Original subtitles

- * RIDING THROUGH YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD *

* OUT TO PULL A... *

* NO... AND I'M THAT SMOOTH *

* I'M THE SHADOW ON YOUR BLOCK *

* DRESSED IN ALL BLACK *

* AND WHEN THEY RUN UP *

* I'MA MAKE 'EM FALL FLAT *

[tires screech]

* I WANT YOUR DOUGH, NOT YOUR LIFE *

* BUT I'LL TAKE ONE *

- AAH!

[siren wails]

both: NO!

- MOM! WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO SHAKE DOWN SOME WHORES

FOR HOLDING OUT ON US.

- SO GO OUTSIDE AND DO IT.

LOOK, I DON'T LIKE WHAT THIS GAME IS DOING TO YOU BOYS.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WE'RE TOTALLY FINE.

[hisses] - THE LIGHT BURNS!

- DID YOU EVEN SLEEP LAST NIGHT?

- AIN'T NO TIMES FOR SLEEPS. WHAT, WHAT?

- YUP, YUP. A SLEEPIN' PIMP'S A DEAD PIMP.

- OY, IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD TOLD THAT TO YOUR COUSIN DINO,

GOD REST HIS SOUL.

- I KNOW THEY SAY PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY,

BUT THIS LEVEL'S PRETTY EASY.

- YOU BOYS DON'T KNOW NOTHING 'BOUT PIMPING.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE.

UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT,

B, A, SELECT, START.

NOW YOU GOT A FLEET OF A HUNDRED HOES.

AND I GOT A NEW CELL PHONE.

SUCKER LITTLE WHITE KIDS!

[bell rings]

[pager vibrates]

- WHY'S EVERYONE SO WEIRD ON CHAT ROULETTE?

SOME PEOPLE DON'T EVEN SHOW THEIR NUTS.

- HEY, JEENA.

- I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.

I GOT 10,000 ACRES ON FARMVILLE TO HARVEST,

CARROTS TO SEED, FORGET-ME-NOTS TO WATER,

COWS TO MILK, GOATS TO BREED,

AND I GOT TO PUT DOWN A HORSE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALL THAT FOR?

- IT RELAXES ME!

- BREATHING IN...

BREATHING OUT.

OH, MY GOD.

I ALMOST FORGOT TO BREATHE. I HAVE TO TWEET THAT.

- OH, THAT'S IT.

I HAVE HAD IT ABOUT UP TO HERE WITH ALL OF YOU.

[groans] OH, YOU GET THE IDEA.

YOU'RE ALL NEGLECTING YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONSTANT SEXTING

AND NON-STOP TWITTER TATTING

AND GODDAMN FACE POKING.

- O-M-F-G. ASHTON JUST TWEETED.

HE FORGOT TO BREATHE TOO.

- GIVE ME THAT.

OH. OH, GOD. OH, CAN'T...

OH, OKAY. ALMOST GOT IT.

JUST A LITTLE MORE. OH, GOD!

[alarm beeping] - AAH! SAVE THE ELECTRONICS!

- [groans] OH, [bleep] MY LIFE.

- * BUDGET GUTS AND TESTING *

* HAVE RUINED ALL OUR SCHOOLS *

- LET'S HEAR IT FOR PRINCIPAL GURNIEL.

- THANK YOU, VONEETA.

MM, MM. THAT'S A LOVELY SCENT YOU'RE WEARING.

- IT'S TACO SPICE.

- WHY AM I MISSING A SHIFT FOR THIS?

- CHILL, PARENT-HEADS.

WE'VE CALLED THIS EMERGENCY PTA MEETING

BECAUSE YOUR CHILDREN ARE OUT OF CONTROL.

AS YOU CAN PROBABLY TELL FROM MS. TEETS' BANDAGES.

- TO BE FAIR, THIS ONE IS FROM CAGE SEX,

BUT THIS ONE HERE, THIS IS FROM THE CHILDREN.

- SEEMS YOUR LITTLE GROMMETS

ARE HOOKED ON TECHNOLOGY, PEOPLE.

- IT'S TRUE. THE ONLY WAY THAT MY MONDO

GETS ANY EXERCISE IS WHEN I MOVE HIS FEET WHILE HE'S SLEEPING.

- I CAUGHT MY SON CYBER BULLYING ONLINE.

IT'S TERRIBLE.

HOW'S HE EVER GONNA GET ANY HANDS-ON EXPERIENCE?

WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF, HUH?

WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF AT A PTA MEETING?

- SO WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?

- WELL, LUCKILY THERE'S HOPE.

[eagle shrieks]

- HOWDY. I'M CLAW JONES.

YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE ME FROM MY SHOW CLAW AND ORDER

ON THE WILDERNESS CHANNEL.

[polar bear growls]

- AAH!

[crocodile roars, whimpers]

[sheep bleats]

[eagle shrieks]

NOW THAT I'VE SKULL-BLASTED THE WILD,

I'VE SET MY EYE ON THE MOST DANGEROUS BEAST THERE IS--

TEENAGERS.

AAH!

REMEMBER WHEN VIRUS PROTECTION WAS A CONDOM,

APPLE WAS A FRUIT, AND A MOUSE WAS A LITTLE BITCH RAT?

WELL, YOUR KIDS DON'T.

ONE WEEK WITH ME,

AND YOUR KIDS WILL LEARN TO BE SELF-SUFFICIENT,

APPRECIATE NATURE, AND CONQUER THEIR GREATEST FEARS.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, TOMMY?

- [laughs] YOU'RE THE BEST, CLAW.

- SO REMEMBER,

WHEN TECHNOLOGY HAS YOU DUCT-TAPED IN A BASEMENT PRISON,

JUST CLAW YOUR WAY OUT.

[rock music]

- MM, I DON'T KNOW.

- WELL, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEND THEM TO TECH REHAB,

WE COULD JUST SUSPEND THEM.

THEN YOU'LL BE STUCK WITH THEM ALL WEEK.

NO SKIN OFF MY TIT.

- NO, NO. - THEY'RE YOURS.

- TWO DAYS IN THE WILDERNESS?

MOM, I'M SLOW. I'M WEAK. I'M NEEDY.

IN NATURE, I'M WHAT'S KNOWN AS PREY.

- COME ON, MY LITTLE TROOPER.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE IN THE SCOUTS?

LOOK AT ALL THOSE BADGES THAT YOU EARNED.

- NO, MA, YOU EARNED THOSE.

[rock music]

[grunts]

- MM.

[dummy buzzes]

- MM.

[dummy beeps]

- [grunts]

- MM.

- SORRY, MOM. THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING.

- OKAY. I'M SURE THAT JEENA

WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO KEEP HER WARM.

- JEENA'S GOING? I'M GOING!

JEENA AND I ARE BOTH GOING, AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!

- CALM DOWN.

ALL THE KIDS HAVE TO BE AT THE DOCK

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

WOW. I WONDER HOW THEY'RE GONNA WRANGLE WADSKA.

- [hisses]

[horn blows]

- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S CLAW JONES.

UGH. NOW BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,

I'M GONNA NEED EVERYBODY

TO DROP ANY AND ALL "ELECTRONICALS" INTO THIS SACK.

[all groan]

[cell phone ringing]

- YOU WANT TO PLAY HARDBALL?

TAYLOR LAUTNER.

THANK YOU. EVERYBODY ON THE BOAT.

- MISS YOU. - HAVE A GOOD TIME.

- HAVE FUN, KIDS. - HAVE FUN.

- HMM. NOW WHAT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE WE'VE HAD A FREE WEEKEND.

- HOW ABOUT EVERYONE COME OVER TO MY PLACE

FOR SOME FINGER FOODS AND INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION?

- COUNT ME IN. - FINGER FOODS.

- SOUNDS GREAT. - I'LL PROVIDE THE TUNES.

- NOPE. TUNES ARE BROKE.

- OH, I LIKE YOUR JACKET.

- OH, YEAH? ARE YOU GONNA STEAL IT FROM ME

LIKE YOU DID TURK?

- EXCUSE ME?

- LADIES, LADIES, PLEASE, CONTINUE FIGHTING OVER ME.

- TURK SHOWS HIS SACK ON THE INTERNET,

AND HE GETS A CAMPING WEEKEND WITH JEENA.

I HAVE ONE NUT SLIP OUT OF MY SWIMSUIT,

AND I GET BANNED FROM THE PUBLIC POOL.

TELL ME HOW THAT'S FAIR!

- I'M JUST WONDERING WHAT OUR VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS

ARE DOING RIGHT NOW.

- PSST. HEY, YOU AWAKE?

- NOW I AM.

- YOU EVER FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING WE DO

IS CONTROLLED BY SOME GREATER FORCE,

LIKE WE'RE SOME SORT OF COSMIC PUPPETS?

- YOU THINK TOO MUCH. NOW HUSH UP.

YOU'RE GONNA WAKE THE HOES. [women snoring]

- I'M SURE THEY'RE FINE.

I'M MORE WORRIED ABOUT GETTING THROUGH THIS WEEKEND.

- YOUR APPREHENSION IS WELL-FOUNDED.

YOU DON'T THINK WE'RE GOING ON SOME NATURE HIKE, DO YOU?

- UH-HUH. - MANIACAL LAUGHTER!

WE'RE HERE TO BE HUNTED FOR SPORT

BY SOME BLOOD-THIRSTY BILLIONAIRE.

WE'LL BE LUCKY TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT ALIVE!

[laughs]

OMINOUS CACKLE!

FOLLOWED BY SHIFTY EYE MOVEMENTS.

- BEHOLD. CACHONDO ISLAND.

- YEAH, THAT'S NOT SCARY AT ALL.

- ISN'T THIS NICE?

JUST US GROWN-UPS SITTING AROUND,

HAVING A CIVILIZED EVENING FOR ONCE?

- YEAH. AND THIS BAKED BRIE IS THE TITS.

- THANKS, BRETT.

ALL RIGHT, RULE NUMBER ONE,

WE CANNOT TALK ABOUT OUR KIDS.

- YOU KNOW, I ONCE BIT RIGHT THROUGH A PINEAPPLE.

- COME ON, PEOPLE. THIS SHOULDN'T BE HARD.

I MEAN, WHAT DID WE DO FOR FUN

BEFORE THE KIDS CAME ALONG?

- ALL RIGHT, YOU BREEDERS. WHO WANTS A DRINK?

- THANK GOD. - OH, COME TO MAMA.

- YOU'RE A SAVIOR.

- NOW LISTEN UP, TECH TWEAKERS.

UGH. I'M GONNA DROP SOME SURVIVAL LOADS ON YOU.

MOTHER NATURE'S LIKE ANY OTHER WOMAN.

SHE SMELLS NICE, SHE'S PRETTY, AND SHE'LL LET YOU TOUCH HER,

BUT THEN WITHOUT WARNING SHE'LL TURN INTO A REAL BITCH.

SO IT'S ESSENTIAL THAT YOU CARRY

A SUFFICIENT AMOUNT OF FRESH WATER ON YOU,

OR SHE WILL SUCK YOU DRY.

AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

- AH, TRUE, BUT WHY LUG AROUND A CANTEEN LIKE A SAP

WHEN OUR BODIES ALREADY CONTAIN NATURE'S CANTEEN?

THE BLADDER! WITNESS.

I HAVE HER A CUP OF MY OWN PERFECTLY DRINKABLE URINE.

UGH! IT'S GONE COLD.

- DUDE, I FEEL REALLY WEIRD.

I'M LOSING THUMB SPEED.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN LAST.

- YOU'RE JUST GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWAL.

WE ALL ARE. LOOK.

- UGH. [bird chirping]

WHAT IS THAT RINGTONE?

- THAT'S A BIRD.

- CAN WE PUT IT ON VIBRATE?

- HEY, GUYS, CHECK OUT THESE BERRIES I FOUND.

OH, DAMN IT.

IT'S JUST NOT AS SATISFYING IN REAL LIFE.

- OH, I MISS MY FARM.

- HEY, GOOD FIND, JEENA.

THIS DEAD ANIMAL HERE IS A BEAUTIFUL PART OF NATURE

AND THE CYCLE OF LIFE.

WE MUST TREAT EVERY ANIMAL IN THE WILD

WITH LOVE AND RESPECT.

[grunts]

THIS BOAR-SKIN COAT WILL KEEP ME WARM AND CAMOUFLAGED.

IT'S AN INVALUABLE FIND--

NOBODY PANIC.

THIS IS THEIR MATING SEASON. IT'S COMPLETELY NATURAL.

AND--OH! THAT ONE GOT ME.

- AH...AH... OH.

- OH. HERE YOU GO, MONDO.

- LOOK AT THAT LITTLE STICK.

THE MARSHMALLOW'S ALL LIKE, "IS IT IN YET?"

[laughs]

- ALL RIGHT, GATHER 'ROUND

WHILE I FORCIBLY INSERT SOME KNOWLEDGE INTO YOUR "BRAIN-US."

I TOO AM A RECOVERING TECH ADDICT.

UNABLE TO ESCAPE THE CONSTANT STREAM OF PORNOGRAPHY,

I ABUSED MY BODY,

CAUSING PERMANENT DAMAGE TO MY HAND,

WHICH IS WHERE I GOT THE NICKNAME CLAW.

SINCE OVERCOMING THAT,

I'VE DEDICATED MY LIFE TO NATURE.

I'VE SPENT MONTHS IN RAINFORESTS,

I PUNCHED A BEAR IN THE FACE,

AND I HAD SEX WITH A MOUNTAIN.

- HOW DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH A MOUNTAIN?

- DOGGY-STYLE.

POINT IS, YOU GOT TO TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE

AND START DOING COOL-ASS STUFF ON YOUR OWN, LIKE ME.

NOW LET'S CHOCO-LIFY THOSE S'MORES.

[neck cracks]

[all gasp]

- SPOILER ALERT. HE'S DEAD.

- ARE WE SURE HE'S DEAD?

- HOLD ON. LET ME CHECK.

YEP. HE'S DEAD.

- SO WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

- WE SHOULD EAT HIM FOR ENERGY!

- WADSKA, YOU'VE BEEN SAYING THAT SINCE THE BOAT RIDE.

- CLAW SAID WE SHOULD TREAT EVERYTHING IN THE WILD

WITH LOVE AND RESPECT.

WE NEED TO HONOR HIS BODY WITH A PROPER BURIAL.

- MONDO'S RIGHT. - EW.

WHAT?

HE WAS BEING ALL DEAD AND GROSS.

[cell phone ringing] PRETTY BIRD.

- NO, THAT ONE'S ACTUALLY A PHONE.

WHERE'S IT COMING FROM?

[cell phone ringing]

- FALLS!

OKAY, NO REASON TO PANIC.

LET'S JUST GET BACK TO OUR FIRE.

THAT'LL KEEP US WARM FOR THE NIGHT.

[thunder booms]

STILL NO REASON TO PANIC.

AS LONG AS WE DON'T GET SEPARATED.

OKAY, EVERYBODY PANIC.

- OH, MY GOD!

- AAH!

- UGH.

HELLO? IS ANYONE THERE?

OH, NO. I'M ALONE.

THIS IS THE WORST THING POSSIBLE.

[both groan]

[bleep] MY LIFE.

- SEE? ISN'T THIS NICE?

I MEAN, WHY CAN'T OUR KIDS DO THIS?

HANGING OUT FACE TO FACE.

- YEAH, THIS IS THE REAL SOCIAL NETWORK.

AND WHAT'S WITH THIS TWITTER?

TELLING PEOPLE WHAT YOU THINK ALL THE TIME?

I MEAN, WE USED TO DO THAT. IT WAS CALLED BEING AN A-HOLE.

- REMEMBER THIS JAM? [pop music plays]

- THINK WE CAN STILL KICK IT?

- YES, WE CAN.

CHECK IT OUT.

HOO. HA.

- WHO WANTS BODY SHOTS, Y'ALL?

OOH, GET UP IN THIS, GURNIEL.

- STAND VERY STILL.

- WHAT? WHY?

- HI-YAH!

- THANKS, BRO. THAT WAS CLOSE.

YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING OUT HERE.

- OF COURSE I DO.

WHILE YOU'RE OUT THERE ENJOYING THE SURF AND THE SAND,

I SPEND EVERY WAKING MINUTE ON THE INTERNET

PREPARING FOR THE APOCALYPSE!

OR COLLEGE. WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.

BESIDES, IT'D BE A SHAME

TO LET AN APPETIZER RUIN AN ENTREE.

[hisses]

- WHAT? - ONWARD.

- OH, GOD. I HOPE EVERYONE ELSE IS OKAY.

- OH, YEAH?

YOU WORRIED ABOUT YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE TURK?

- WILL YOU DROP IT ABOUT TURK ALREADY?

YOU GUYS WERE ALREADY BROKEN UP WHEN WE STARTED GOING OUT.

- NO, WE WERE JUST ON A BREAK

WHILE I TRIED TO DATE SOMEBODY BETTER.

- MILAN, YOU HAVE TO BE THE MOST SELFISH PERSON I'VE EVER MET.

- SELFISH? "HI, MY NAME'S JEENA.

"I LIKE TO HUG ENERGY AND RECYCLE WHALES.

PLEASE TELL ME HOW GREAT I AM."

YEAH, THAT'S NOT SELFISH.

- OH, YEAH? HOW ABOUT THE TIME YOU CANCELLED THE AIDS WALK

BECAUSE THE RED RIBBON CLASHED WITH YOUR SHOES?

[animal grunting, snorting]

- [grunts]

ALL RIGHT, TURK, WILL YOU GIVE ME A BOOST PLEASE?

- SURE.

[laughs] YOU FALL SO FUNNY.

CAN WE DO IT AGAIN?

- YOU KNOW WHAT? IN SCHOOL I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR CRAP,

BUT NOT OUT HERE.

I'M GOING OUT ON MY OWN.

- [quietly] PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.

- WHAT?

- NOTHING. KEEP WALKING, FATTY.

- FINE.

- [quietly] WAIT. I NEED YOU.

- WHOA. WHAT? DID YOU JUST SAY YOU NEED ME?

- YEAH. FOR PUMMELING YOUR STUPID FACE IN.

[quietly] HELP ME.

OKAY, I--I ADMIT IT. I'M--I'M SCARED.

- SCARED?

SO WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

- TONS OF THINGS. THE DARK. BEING ALONE.

MIXING UP TWO BLACK GUYS AND CALLING ONE BY THE WRONG NAME,

AND EVERYBODY THINKS THAT I THINK

THAT ALL BLACK GUYS LOOK THE SAME,

WHEN IN REALITY THEY WERE JUST WEARING THE SAME T-SHIRT

AND THEY HAVE THE SAME HAIRCUT,

AND NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY TO EXPLAIN IT,

I CAN'T, AND THEN THE NEXT THING I KNOW I'M--

- TURK! TURK! CALM DOWN.

I WON'T LEAVE YOU.

- UGH. THANKS, BRO.

- BUT YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME.

AND STOP CALLING ME FAT AND GAY.

- [sighs] FINE.

I'LL STOP CALLING YOU FAT.

[Naughty By Nature's O.P.P. playing]

* *

- BAYONNE BEES! FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!

GO, BEES!

- BEES? MORE LIKE Ds.

- THAT WAS MY YEARBOOK QUOTE.

- NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'LL BE COLLECTING EVERYONE'S LITTLE CAR KEYS.

- OH, VONEETA, THAT'S VERY RESPONSIBLE.

- NO, I'M TRYING TO JUMPSTART THIS ORGY.

- GUYS, GUYS! SHH! GUYS.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A SECRET.

I LOVE TEETS!

BUT I CAN'T GIVE HER BABIES.

I GOT NO SWIMMERS.

I GOT TO GO. IT STINKS OVER HERE.

- UH, I DON'T KNOW.

- WOODIE, WE'RE IN THE WOODS.

WE NEED TO EAT TO SURVIVE,

AND, IF IT HELPS, IT'S A DELICACY IN CAMBODIA.

- OKAY. I TRUST YOU, WADSKA.

HERE'S YOUR HALF.

- OH, I'LL PASS.

I'VE GOT A GRANOLA BAR.

[snake hisses] - OW! SON OF A BITCH!

- WHAT? TOO MANY RAISINS?

- YES. BUT I WAS ALSO JUST BITTEN BY A SNAKE.

- OH, MY GOD! ARE YOU OKAY?

- I WILL BE. I JUST NEED A LITTLE FAVOR.

CAN YOU PLEASE SUCK THE WOUND?

ON MY THIGH.

- PASS.

- WOODIE, NEED I REMIND YOU

THAT I SAVED YOU FROM A DEADLY AND DELICIOUS TARANTULA?

YOU NEEDED ME. NOW I NEED YOU.

- OKAY. I'LL DO IT.

JUST DON'T MAKE IT WEIRD.

GET YOUR HAND OFF MY HEAD.

[animal growls]

- AAH!

- [scoffs] OF COURSE.

TURK CHOOSES YOU. THE GIANT PIG CHOOSES YOU.

EVERYBODY LOVES JEENA.

- AAH! HE'S GONNA KILL ME.

- UH, I DON'T THINK HE'S INTERESTED IN KILLING.

IT'S, LIKE, MATING SEASON.

- MILAN. - UGH! FINE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH. YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT.

- I'VE HAD A LOT OF PRACTICE.

I HAD A POT-BELLIED PIG

WHEN IT WAS, LIKE, COOL TO HAVE THEM.

IT RAN AWAY, OR WE ATE IT, OR...I DON'T KNOW.

- THANKS, MILAN.

THAT WAS VERY SELFLESS OF YOU.

- NO BIG DEAL. LIKE MY MOM ALWAYS SAYS,

THE EASIEST WAY TO DEAL WITH UNWANTED HORNINESS

IS TO RUB IT UNTIL IT GOES AWAY.

[laughter]

- AH, BALLS!

THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! WE'RE GONNA FREEZE!

- DUDE, IT'S COOL.

YOU KNOW, WE CAN JUST SLEEP NEXT TO EACH OTHER

FOR BODY WARMTH.

- THAT'S ACTUALLY A SMART IDEA.

- MONDO, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN?

- NO. WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT?

[horn blows]

TURK, IT'S A BOAT.

I NEED TO START A SIGNAL FIRE.

[grunts] I CAN'T DO IT!

- COME ON, GRUNDLE GOBBLER!

SORRY. FORGOT. I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO INSULT YOU.

- NO, YOUR INSULTS ARE HELPING.

YOU'RE LIKE A DRILL SERGEANT.

OR AN ABUSIVE DAD THAT I'M DESPERATE TO PROVE WRONG.

KEEP 'EM COMING.

- NOW IT'S TURK'S TIME TO SHINE.

YOU LOOK LIKE AN ABORTED OOMPA LOOMPA.

YOU'RE GONNA GET DIABETES.

YOUR FAT HUSBAND WILL DIVORCE YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA GET INTO AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL

WHERE THE GIRLS ARE INTELLIGENT AND ONLY MARGINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

- NEVER!

- WHOA. YOU DID IT. I LOVE YOU, MAN.

- OKAY, TURK.

HUG'S-- HUG'S KIND OF DONE NOW.

- HEY, YOU.

- [gasps] LET'S GO!

FOLLOW THAT SMOKE!

UGH!

- TYPICAL. THEY'RE ALL PIGS.

JEENA, LOOK!

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- WADSKA GOT BIT BY A POISONOUS SNAKE.

- BUT WOODIE WENT DOWN ON ME.

LET ME FINISH. TO SUCK!

STILL TALKING. OUT THE POISON!

HOORAY FOR WOODIE!

- LOOK. THE BOAT.

[horn blows, all cheer]

- HANG ON, EVERYBODY.

WE SHOULD ALL ACKNOWLEDGE THE PERSON WHO MADE THIS FIRE.

ME! TURK! TURK! TURK!

- THANKS, MONDO.

AND THE NEXT TIME I GET STRANDED IN THE WOODS,

I HOPE IT'S WITH YOU.

[boar roars]

- OH, MY GOD!

- WAIT!

- OOH! A TRUFFLE. THESE ARE EXPENSIVE.

WHAT? I EARNED IT.

- [yawns]

- UGH. IS THIS WHAT WE DID IN HIGH SCHOOL?

WHAT WERE WE THINKING?

OH, CRAP. WE GOT TO GO PICK UP OUR KIDS.

VONEETA, SOMEONE DREW ALL OVER YOUR FACE.

- ARE THEY SWEET WIENERS? - UH-HUH.

- YEAH, I DID THOSE.

- UH, AREN'T YOU GONNA ASK US WHAT HAPPENED TO CLAW?

- [claps] - HOLY [bleep].

- THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S ME, CLAW JONES.

BACK FROM THE NEVER DEAD.

NOW, USUALLY AFTER I FAKE MY OWN DEMISE,

I JUST HIDE IN THE WOODS TILL THE BOAT SHOWS UP

SO YOU GUYS CAN POP YOUR NATURE CHERRIES ON YOUR OWN.

BEING KICKED DOWN A MOUNTAINSIDE

INTO A RIVER AND OVER A WATERFALL WAS,

AS THEY SOMETIMES SAY, A CURVEBALL.

- DUDE, IS THAT YOUR FEMUR?

- YES. YES, IT IS MY FEMUR.

I'M GONNA PASS OUT NOW,

BUT BEFORE I DO...

I'M PROUD OF YOU CHILDREN.

- OH, I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU, MY LITTLE TECH MUFFIN.

DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME?

- MOM, I FINALLY LIT A FIRE ALL BY MYSELF.

- I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.

AND, LOOK, I BOUGHT YOU THAT NEW GAME SYSTEM THAT YOU WANTED.

- BUT I THOUGHT YOU WANTED US TO STOP USING THIS STUFF.

- WELL, YOU KNOW, WHILE YOU WERE GONE,

US PARENTS REALIZED THAT WHEN WE WERE TEENAGERS

WE DIDN'T HAVE ALL THIS TECHNOLOGY.

YOU KNOW, WE SPENT OUR TIME

GETTING SLOPPY, BLACKOUT... BORED.

- DUDE, THIS VERSION'S GOT COP-KILLER BULLETS!

- YEAH, LET'S GO BACK TO MY HOUSE

AND PLAY UNTIL WE HAVE SEIZURES.

- YEAH, UH, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS PLAY AT WOODIE'S?

I GOT SOME CLEANING UP TO DO.

- [groans]

OH, [bleep] MY LIFE.

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