Original subtitles

- PLAYA DEL TORO, CALIFORNIA...

A SUN-KISSED PLAYGROUND OF CRYSTAL-CLEAR WATERS,

SANDY BEACHES, AND ROLLING SURF.

A PARADISE ON--

- HURRY IT UP, MAN.

OTHER DUDES GOTTA USE THE WALL, TOO.

- [hiccup!]

- [snoring]

- * MONDO, WAKE UP *

UGH, TALK ABOUT THE CRACK OF DAWN.

- [groans]

[yawns]

ARE YOU JUST GETTING HOME?

[sniffs]

YOU SMELL LIKE OLD SPICE AND BALLS.

- I WAS JUST GETTING A FEEL FOR OUR NEW TOWN.

I MET A LOT OF POTENTIAL UNCLES FOR YA.

- UGH.

- WE'VE BEEN HERE THREE DAYS,

AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN TO THE BEACH YET.

- MOM, I DON'T FIT IN HERE.

EVEN THE BUMS ARE RIPPED.

[wheels squeaking]

FACE IT, IN A WORLD FULL OF KARDASHIANS,

I'M THE KHLOE.

- HONEY, YOU'RE JUST UNIQUE.

THIS TOWN HAS NEVER SEEN ANYBODY LIKE MONDO BRANDO.

- MOM, I CAN'T BREATHE. [gasps]

- HERE, TO GET YOU STARTED,

I MADE YOU A CALIFORNIA PREPAREDNESS KIT.

- BOOGIE BOARD, SPRAY TANNER,

SEASON ONE OF LAGUNA BEACH...

A RUBBER PICKLE?

- OOPS. [giggles]

THAT'S MINE.

WHAT, MOMMY CAN'T HAVE A KIT, TOO?

[upbeat alternative music]

* *

- MONDO, DO NOT WASTE YOUR LAST DAYS BEFORE SCHOOL

PLAYING A VIDEO GAME.

- BUT I'M GOOD AT THIS. - OH, LOOK.

IT'S LITTLE MONDO.

- I HAD TO USE A PREGNANT WOMAN'S BODY

AND PUT IN THE SECRET CODE TO UNLOCK JUSTIN BIEBER'S HEAD.

- LOOK, MUNCHKIN, I KNOW IT'S HARD.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? OUR LIVES ARE HERE NOW.

WE'RE NOT GOING BACK TO NEW JERSEY.

[cell phone rings] CRAP.

I DON'T WANNA BE LATE FOR MY FIRST DAY.

- FAREWELL, BAYONNE.

YOUR PEPPERONI MADE ME THE MAN I AM TODAY.

- [humming]

* *

- WHAAAA! - AAAH!

- MOM, ARE YOU OKAY? - UGH.

- WHO ARE YOU? - I'M WOODIE.

- WHY ARE YOU IN MY BATHROOM?

- OH, I WAS GETTING MY FRISBEE.

- SO, WOODIE, HOW OLD ARE YOU? ABOUT, UM, 15?

- [erotically] YEAH. - ME, TOO!

- MONDO, GET WOODIE SOME ICE.

HIS FOREHEAD LOOKS A LITTLE SWOLLEN.

- SWOLLEN.

- OKAY, WOODIE, I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING UP THERE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I DON'T MIND.

BUT I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD DO ME A LITTLE FAVOR.

- OH, ANYTHING FOR YOU, MONDO'S MOM.

- CALL ME BABS.

I WAS HOPING THAT YOU'D SHOW MONDO THE ROPES AROUND HERE.

YOU KNOW, HELP HIM FIT IN.

- FOR SURE...BABS.

- THIS OUGHTA HELP WITH THE SWELLING.

- THANKS. AHHHH.

- YANKEES OR DODGERS? - SURFING.

- PIZZA OR BURGERS? - BURRITOS.

- MMM.

OKAY, LAST ONE. THINK IT THROUGH.

THE HILLS OR THE CITY?

- NEITHER. I DON'T HAVE A VAGINA.

- RIGHT ANSWER!

- [sexy female voice] LET'S DO OUR BACK.

- TO THE WINDOW, HURRY!

THEY'RE ABOUT TO TAN THEIR BACKS,

BUT THEY DON'T WANT TAN LINES.

WHICH MEANS THEY MUST UNHOOK THEIR STRAPS,

AND FOR ONE BRIEF, BUT GLORIOUS MOMENT,

YOU CAN SEE--

- [whispering] NIPPLE.

I SAW IT! OH, MY GOD! I SAW IT!

YOU'RE A GENIUS!

- I CALL THIS MOMENT THE AURORA AREOLAS.

- TEACH ME MORE, WOODIE. TEACH ME MORE!

- THIS IS THE STRAND,

PRETTY MUCH ALL THE USUAL STUFF

YOU'D FIND IN ANY TOWN ACROSS AMERICA.

TATTOO SHOP, SURF SHOP, WEED SHOP,

CELEBRITY REHAB...

- LINDSAY. - PARIS.

- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO ANY OTHER TOWN IN AMERICA?

- NO, WHY?

- NO REASON. - THREE FOR TEN DOLLAR!

OPEN FOR BEEZNESS!

ARROW POINT DOWN TO ANUS IS FUNNY!

PEOPLE KNOW IT'S JOKE. YOU NOT GET TUSHY LOVE.

BUT IF YOU DO...

- THE BOARDWALK'S LIKE A GREAT BIG MELTING POT.

EMPHASIS ON THE POT.

HIPPIE DRUMMERS, STREET PERFORMERS,

RIGHTEOUS DUDES IN VANS.

- * SLOW RIDE *

* TAKE IT EASY *

[chuckles]

- AND HERE IT IS,

THE CENTER OF IT ALL,

THE NATURAL FORCE THAT SUSTAINS LIFE

AND DRAWS US ALL TOGETHER,

THE BEACH.

[majestic chord]

WHAT'S UP?

- IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,

MY STOMACH'S MORE OF A KEG THAN A SIX-PACK.

I HAVEN'T SEEN MY PENIS SINCE I WAS SIX.

- THE ONLY THING HOLDING YOU BACK

IS A LACK OF SURFING IN YOUR DIET.

AND MAYBE THAT SWEET SET OF CHESTICLES YOU GOT THERE.

- YOU KIDDING ME, MAN?

GIRLS TOTALLY RELATE TO A DUDE WITH BOOBS.

IT'S FAMILIAR TO THEM.

IT HAS A CALMING EFFECT.

[upbeat techno music]

WHO IS THAT?

- THAT'S JEENA.

- [dreamy] JEEEENAAAA.

* *

[monitor beeping]

[monitor flatlining]

[music resumes]

- GO INTRODUCE YOURSELF.

SHE'S VERY APPROACHABLE.

- I'M GONNA DO IT.

[grunting] OW!

I'M GOOD. I'M OKAY. OOF!

[women laughing]

- THAT AIN'T NO SITUATION. THAT'S A DAMN TRAGEDY.

[keys jingling]

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- I PUT 17 MONTHS INTO THIS PLACE,

AND WHAT DO THEY GIVE ME?

A LOUSY TEN MIL IN STOCK OPTIONS AND A GOLDEN PARACHUTE.

- IN MY EXPERIENCE, ANYTIME ANYONE OFFERS YOU

A GOLDEN ANYTHING,

YOU SAY NO.

I'M BABS BRANDO.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO START WORK HERE TODAY.

- [chuckling] OUCH.

- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I SPENT EVERY LAST PENNY TO GET HERE.

I FINALLY THOUGHT I HAD A JOB

WHERE I DIDN'T HAVE TO WORK THE POLE.

[Warrant's Cherry Pie] - * SHE'S MY CHERRY PIE *

* COOL DRINK OF WATER *

* SUCH A SWEET SURPRISE *

* TASTES SO GOOD MAKE A GROWN MAN CRY *

* SWEET CHERRY PIE *

- OH, LOOK.

I GOT A FRIEND AT AN ACCOUNTING FIRM IN TOWN.

- THANKS.

YOU KNOW, A SLEAZIER GUY WOULD HAVE TRIED

TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME.

- OH! I COULD'VE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF YOU?

BOY, DID I MISREAD THAT ONE!

NO WONDER THIS BANK WENT UNDER.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S WET UP.

[engines rumbling]

- LOCALS ONLY, PUSSY.

[laughter]

- WHO ARE THOSE DIRTBALLS? - SHH.

KEEP IT DOWN, BRO.

THAT'S TURK AND HIS CREW.

TRUST ME, YOU WANT TO STAY UNDER THEIR RADAR.

- THERE SHE IS AGAIN.

GIRLS AROUND HERE DIG SURFERS, RIGHT?

WELL, I'M GONNA SHOW HER WHAT A BADASS I AM.

WATCH THIS AWESOMENESS.

HEE-YAAAA--OOF!

[laughter]

[bird squawks]

[farting sound] - UGH!

[bang!]

- [screams]

[screams louder] - OH.

YOU KOOKS ARE DEAD.

[Mondo and Woodie scream]

- I COULDN'T HAVE POSSIBLY MADE A WORSE IMPRESSION.

[siren wailing]

- LOOK, MA'AM, IT'S ILLEGAL TO GO TOPLESS

AT THE BEACH.

- OH, OFFICER, I'M AFRAID YOU--

- MA'AM, TELL YOUR HIPPIE BOYFRIEND TO ZIP IT,

OR YOU'RE BOTH GOING DOWNTOWN.

[laughter]

- [ringtone] * HE'S CLIMBING *

* IN YOUR WINDOW EACH NIGHT *

- HELLO? - OH, MAN, ARE YOU READY?

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO THIS SCHOOL.

SO EVERY GIRL IS LIKE TWO NEW BOOBS TO YOU.

- NEW BOOBS? OH, MY GOD! I'M ON MY WAY!

[grunting]

GOOD MORNING, LADIES.

[feminine voice] "WHO IS THAT NEW STUD

AT SCHOOL, JEENA?"

"I DON'T KNOW, BRIANNA,

BUT I'M GONNA GET ME SOME OF THAT."

[macho voice] LADIES, I CAN HEAR YOU.

I'M FAT.

- * HEY GIRL *

* DO YOU KNOW MY NAME *

- LIKE ANY SCHOOL,

PLAYA HAS YOUR BASIC CLIQUES.

(surfers) - 'SUP, WOODIE.

(cheerleaders) - HEY, WOODIE.

(twi-hards) - GREETINGS, WOODFORD.

- OH, NO! GLEEKS!

- * JUST A YELLOW-HAIRED BOY *

[chorus harmonizing]

- * WHO GOT A CHUBBY FRIEND *

- * FROM OLD BAYONNE *

[Kesha's Sleazy]

[Gleeks scream]

- * LOOKIN' LIKE DIAMONDS *

- CHECK IT OUT.

MY FIRST CELEBRITY SIGHTING.

THAT'S MILAN STONE, THE STAR OF MTV'S 16 AND BITCHY.

- YOU CALL THESE DOUBLE Ds?

UGH. - AGH!

- OH, MY GOD, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

I'VE EVER MET A CELEBRITY THAT I SPANKED IT TO.

WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I SAY?

- HEY, SIS.

- SIS? - 'SUP, "KOONTZ" TWINS.

- [together] IT'S "KUNTZ".

- WOODIE! YOU HAVE A FRIEND? INCREDIBLE.

THIS BRINGS THE TOTAL TO, WHAT, ONE?

[giggles]

WELL, HE'S FAT ENOUGH TO MAKE IT 1 1/2.

- HILARIOUS.

MS. STONE, I'M YOUR BIGGEST--

- SHUT UP, WHITE PRECIOUS.

- W...WHITE PRECIOUS?

- IF EITHER OF YOU, LIKE, GET WITHIN 15 FEET OF ME,

I WILL TASE YOUR ASS.

- AH, SHE'S EVEN NICER IN PERSON.

[splat!] - ACK!

[upbeat techno music]

- OH, THERE SHE IS.

I WASN'T GONNA TELL YOU,

BUT LAST NIGHT I HAD A DREAM

THAT INVOLVED A BOTTLE OF LAVENDER BODY BUTTER,

THE BACKSEAT OF A PURPLE PT CRUISER,

AND JEENA'S DOWNSTAIRS AREA.

- VERY COOL.

VERY SEXUAL.

- I KNOW, RIGHT? SHE'S PERFECT FOR ME.

CHECK IT OUT.

SHE'S WEARING SNEAKERS.

I'M WEARING SNEAKERS.

SHE'S LISTENING TO MUSIC.

I LOVE MUSIC!

AND HER T-SHIRT SAYS "FREE TIBET".

WHAT WAS I TELLING YOU THIS MORNING?

- THAT MORE STUFF SHOULD BE FREE.

- IT'S MEANT TO BE!

- GO TALK TO HER, MAN.

- AHEM.

HI, I'M MONDO.

I'M NEW TO TOWN, AS YOU CAN PROBABLY TELL.

I'M ONE OF THOSE OFFBEAT, GOOD-LOOKING MEN.

- HI.

- HI, I BEAT OFF GOOD-LOOKING MEN.

- IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON.

- [laughing shrilly]

- WHOA, KOOK, YOU JUST CROSSED INTO TURKISTAN,

WHERE TRESPASSING IS A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE.

I'M ABOUT TO LAUNCH A DORK-SEEKING FIST MISSILE.

- OH, TURK.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

- BOOKS DON'T CAUSE CANCER.

TARGET ACQUIRED!

- NO, THE OTHER THING.

- OH, IF I DON'T STOP PUMMELING DWEEBS,

I'LL NEVER GET WITH YOU.

- OH, DON'T BE SO BUMMED.

THIS IS THE LONGEST A NEW KID'S EVER GONE

WITHOUT A WEDGIE AT THIS SCHOOL.

- AGH! - 11 MINUTES!

- WHAT IS THAT?

[ominous chord]

- WIPE THOSE HORNY SMILES OFF YOUR PIMPLY FACES.

THIS IS HUMAN SEXUALITY.

BEFORE YOU THINK THAT THIS IS ALL FUN AND GAMES

AND HOT CARLS--

- [giggles] YES, PLEASE.

- WADSKA, SETTLE DOWN, OR I'LL SEND YOU TO DETENTION.

- MS. TEETS, I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW

THAT ALTHOUGH THIS IS AN INSTITUTION

PAID FOR BY U.S. TAX DOLLARS,

I AM UNFIT FOR CAPTIVITY WITHIN ITS WALLS.

I AM NOT PROGRAMMED FOR PUBLIC EDUCATION.

- WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU ARE PROGRAMMED

FOR VANDALIZING THE MARQUIS

WITH FILTHY SHENANIGANS.

- MM, FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION!

MY CULTURE OF POETRY IS BEING SHOT DOWN

BY CHARACTER ASSASSINS.

AN UPRISING IS IN ORDER!

- SORRY, MS. TEETS.

OUR PARENTS HAVE HIM ON NEW MEDS.

- SORRY, SORRY, SORRY.

- THAT'S JEENA'S BROTHER?

- WOODFORD. NEW CHILD.

QUIT YOUR JIBBER JABBERS, NOW!

HMM, YOU'RE A PORTLY ONE, AREN'T YOU?

DON'T WORRY.

YOU'LL GROW INTO YOUR FRAME.

I DID.

[wheezes]

NOW, TODAY'S LESSON IS ABOUT SOMETHING

THAT THREATENS US ALL:

SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES.

SO PLEASE PUT ON YOUR 3-D GLASSES.

[old-timey organ music]

- [on video] STD IN 3-D.

[crab screeches]

[students scream]

- OLD FOE, WE MEET AGAIN.

- SO HOW DO I KNOW WHAT KIND OF BOARD I NEED?

- PICKING A BOARD ISN'T LIKE PICKING A GIRLFRIEND.

YOU HAVE TO BE CHOOSY.

YOU HAVE TO LET IT COME TO YOU.

- LIKE HARRY POTTER CHOOSING HIS WAND?

OR THE NA'VI CHOOSING THEIR IKRAN IN AVATAR?

- YEAH, JUST LIKE THAT.

EXCEPT COOL.

- HMM, HOW 'BOUT THIS ONE?

OW!

[ethereal chorus]

[singing operatically]

THIS IS MY BOARD.

- ARE YOU SURE? - THIS IS MY BOARD!

MAYBE IT'S NOT MY BOARD.

- HERE, $100.

- I DON'T KNOW.

MY MOM TOLD ME TO ONLY USE THE CREDIT CARD

FOR EMERGENCIES.

- WE'RE IN CALIFORNIA.

NOT HAVING A SURFBOARD IS AN EMERGENCY.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT YOUR BOARD, AND YOU'RE READY TO HIT--

- HEY, GIMME THAT.

[clack-clack]

MUCH BETTER.

- IT SAYS YOU'VE BEEN A COCKTAIL WAITRESS,

A HOOTERS WAITRESS, A COYOTE UGLY WAITRESS--

- WELL, IN MY DEFENSE,

WAITRESSING WAS A HELL OF A LOT BETTER

THAN MAKING A LIVING ON MY KNEES.

- * SHE'S MY CHERRY PIE *

* PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE *

* TEN MILES WIDE *

[music stops]

- [sighs]

- I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD IDEA.

I'M HOLDING A DICK BOARD.

A DICK BOARD, WOODIE.

- TRUST ME.

JUST ONE WAVE, AND ALL YOUR TROUBLES

WILL DISAPPEAR.

- EAT IT, LOSERS!

HA, HA! YO, JEENA.

WHAT'S UP, BABY?

- HEY, TURK. - OKAY.

IT'S SURF TIME.

TIME FOR THE SURFING TO COMMENCE.

UM, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SAY

WHEN WE WANNA SURF?

- BOOSTAMUUCHA!

[fast punk music]

- * SURF CITY U.S.A. *

[laughter]

- WOO-HOO!

- [meows] - [barks]

- HEADS UP, NEWBIE.

- * SURF CITY U.S.A. *

- YEAH! - * SURF CITY *

- UGH!

- THAT IS IT, BLUE CRUSH.

YOU'RE DEAD.

- AHEM. - HUH?

OH.

YOU'RE LUCKY I'M MORE HORNY THAN ANGRY.

I'M GONNA LET YOU LIVE.

BUT YOU'RE BANNED FROM SURFING THIS BEACH

EVER AGAIN.

- HEY, TURK, COME ON, MAN. HE'S LOCAL.

- YOU'RE BANNED, TOO. - NOOOO!

- THIS IS A PUBLIC BEACH.

YOU CAN'T BAN PEOPLE FROM SURFING.

- MONDO, SHUT UP.

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

YOU SURVIVE BABY BEACH,

AND I'LL LET YOU TWO SURF HERE.

- BABY BEACH? THAT SOUNDS EASY ENOUGH.

WHERE IS IT?

[ominous chord]

- USED TO BE CALLED JAGGED DEATH ROCKS.

CHAMBER OF COMMERCE THOUGHT IT WAS BAD FOR TOURISM.

WE SHOULD PROBABLY CHANGE IT BACK.

COULD'VE SAVED A LOT OF LIVES.

- YOU GOT 'TIL 4:00 TOMORROW.

HIGH TIDE.

[grunts]

- MY DICK BOARD!

- I-IF I BACK OUT, YOU THINK I MIGHT STILL HAVE

A CHANCE WITH JEENA?

- OH, SURE.

WOMEN ALWAYS PREFER THE SENSIBLE, STABLE COWARD

TO THE FEARLESS, SEXY RISK-TAKER.

- GENTLEMEN, FORGIVE MY TARDINESS.

NOW, I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF PREPARING

A COMPUTER SIMULATION OF BABY BEACH.

- HEY, IT'S LITTLE MONDO.

- BUT I JUST USED THE BODY OF A PREGNANT WOMAN

AND ADDED JUSTIN BIEBER'S HEAD.

OKAY, YOU DROP IN AT THE END OF THE PIER.

FROM HERE IT'S UP TO YOU TO MAKE IT OUT ALIVE.

YOUR BEST BET IS TO GO LEFT,

SURF BETWEEN THE FIRST THREE ROWS OF ROCKS,

AND YOUR EXIT WILL HAVE TO BE THROUGH MILEY'S HOLE,

SO NAMED BECAUSE IT'S NEVER BEEN PENETRATED

BY MAN NOR JONAS.

- [breathing heavily]

- ARE YOU HYPERVENTILATING? - A LITTLE BIT.

I THINK THIS BAG HAD A HAMBURGER IN IT,

AND I LIKE THE SMELL.

- ARE YOU REALLY GONNA SURF IT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

ONE MINUTE I THINK I SHOULD.

THE NEXT MINUTE I THINK ABOUT BOOBS.

THEN THE NEXT MINUTE, I THINK I SHOULDN'T.

- OKAY, YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOUR HEAD

IS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

YOU NEED TO RELAX AND GET YOUR MIND RIGHT

SO YOU CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

- HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?

(Woodie and Wadska) - LONNIE'S VAN.

[esoteric music]

- [sighs] I NEED A DRINK.

[island-themed music]

* *

- SEAT YOURSELF, DARLING.

I'VE GOT MY HANDS FULL.

- THANKS. - OOF!

TABLE FIVE! GO, GO!

[water gurgling]

- HEY, LONNIE.

YOU EVER FOUND YOURSELF FACED WITH A TOUGH,

POTENTIALLY LIFE-ENDING DECISION?

- YEAH, MAN.

IT WAS THE THIRD AND FINAL MONTH OF DESERT STORM.

OIL FIRES RAGED.

THE SKIES WERE BLACK AT NOON.

THREE CLICKS NORTH OF KUWAIT CITY,

I GOT SEPARATED FROM MY PLATOON.

- WHAT DID YOU DO?

- I FREAKED THE EFF OUT!

I WAS IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL FOR THREE YEARS.

HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK I ENDED UP LIVING IN A VAN?

AH-HA! I CAN STILL SMELL THE HUMMUS!

AH-HA!

- YOU GUYS WANT SOME PITA?

- ARE YOU STILL WORRIED ABOUT SURFING BABY BEACH?

- WHAT BEACH? I'M TOTALLY CHILL.

I'M TOTALLY FREAKED!

I'M TOTALLY HUNGRY.

YOUR NOSE LOOKS LIKE A PENIS.

THIS VAN'S AWESOME.

- HMM, YOU LIKE MY TROPHIES, DAHLING?

YOU ONE SPECIAL WAHINI, BABS BRANDO.

YOU HAVE BEEN BORN WITH A SPECIAL GIFT

FOR WAITING TABLES,

AND YOU MUST SHARE DAT GIFT WITH THE WORLD.

- THANKS, TANG.

BUT I CAME OUT HERE FOR A CAREER.

ONE WHERE I DIDN'T HAVE TO WORK ON MY BACK FOR ONCE.

- * SHE'S MY CHERRY PIE *

* SMILE ON YOUR FACE *

* TEN MILES WIDE *

- SOMETIMES WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU ROTTEN PAPAYA--

- YOU MAKE PAPAYA-ADE?

- NO, YOU MIX IT WITH CHEAP RUM, ADD A COCKTAIL UMBRELLA,

AND YOU SELL IT TO SUNBURNED RUBES FOR $9.

WHAT THE HELL IS PAPAYA-ADE?

LOOK, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEARN DESE TINGS

IF YOU'RE GONNA WORK HERE.

- [sighs] I DON'T KNOW.

[kids laughing hysterically]

- OW! - OOH!

[all laughing]

- I'LL TAKE IT.

- HERE'S YOUR UNIFORM.

- HERE, I FOUND A DEAD SEA LION.

LET'S DUMP HIM IN THE WATER AND SEE WHERE HE GOES.

- WHY?

- HE'LL TAKE THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE,

THAT'S THE ONE YOU WANT TO TAKE.

- WHERE DID YOU GET A DEAD SEA LION?

- * YOU ASK TOO MANY QUESTIOOONS *

[giggles] OKAY.

WE'VE LEARNED SOMETHING HERE.

THOSE SHARKS ARE HUNGRY.

[soft whistle blows]

- OH, CRAP, IT'S HIGH TIDE. I GOT--

I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

- WUSSING OUT? WUSS.

- NO, I'D LOVE TO SURF THIS.

BUT I DON'T HAVE A SURFBOARD, THANKS TO SOMEBODY.

SO, YOU KNOW, MAYBE ANOTHER DAY.

- MONDO!

HERE.

YOU'VE BEEN A REAL BRO TO ME.

AND I'VE NEVER HAD A BRO BEFORE.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN KIND OF A LONER.

BUT IT'S BEEN FUN BEING LONERS TOGETHER.

- WOW, THANKS, MAN.

WOODIE, THIS MEANS A LOT TO ME.

- IT'S NOTHING.

- BUT YOUR TIMING SUCKS.

(all but Jeena) - BABY BEACH, BABY BEACH.

BABY BEACH, BABY BEACH.

- GIMME THAT BOARD.

I GOT US INTO THIS MESS.

I'M GONNA GET US OUT.

I CAME TO THIS TOWN TO MAKE A NAME FOR MYSELF,

AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

EVEN IF I DIE,

AT LEAST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WILL REMEMBER MY NAME FOREVER.

- BE CAREFUL, MONGO.

- CLOSE ENOUGH.

- WAIT.

GOOD LUCK.

[dramatic music]

* *

- WRONG WAY!

* *

[Weezer's Brave New World]

- OHHH!

- * THIS IS THE DAWNING *

* OF A BRAVE NEW WORLD *

- WOO-HOO! - YEAH!

- * I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING *

* BUT I KNOW I'LL FIGURE IT OUT *

- [coughing]

WHOA.

THIS IS HOW LEGENDS ARE BORN.

MM.

[coughing] THIS IS--HM.

- * THIS IS THE DAWNING *

* OF A BRAVE NEW WORLD *

- MILEY'S HOLE!

- HUH?

BALLS!

OOF!

[ethereal rock music]

* *

- MM.

- WHA?

- MMMM.

[guys cheering] - MONDO, MONDO.

- [coughing]

- YOU'RE ALIVE.

- [coughing] WHA--WHAT HAPPENED?

- YOU ATE IT ON THAT MONSTER WAVE.

THEN YOU FRENCH KISSED LONNIE FOR, LIKE, FOUR MINUTES.

- OH, GOD!

[gagging]

- AH, BUT THE BADASS NEWS, YO,

IS AT LEAST YOUR REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS REMAIN FUNCTIONAL.

- [laughing] MONDO HAS A BONER.

- THAT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

WELL, IT IS.

BUT IT'S NOT BECAUSE LONNIE

STUCK HIS TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT.

- DUDE, I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW HARD YOU ATE IT.

- TURK. - OH.

AND YOU'RE OFFICIALLY UN-BANNED FROM MY BEACH.

- YOU WERE INCREDIBLE OUT THERE.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,

BUT SOMETHING ABOUT YOU

HAS A CALMING EFFECT ON ME.

- AW, DUDE, SHE'S SUCKED IN BY THE CHESTICLES.

- SO, JEENA, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

DO YOU MAYBE, YOU KNOW, ONE TIME WANNA--

UM, WHAT DO YOU THINK

OF LAVENDER BODY BUTTER?

- OH, I USE IT TO MOISTURIZE MY THIGHS.

SEE YOU IN CLASS, MONDO.

- SUCKER!

- [coughing]

- SHE KNOWS YOUR NAME.

STEP ONE, DUDE.

COME ON, LET'S GO SURFING.

- BOOSTAMUUCHA!

EVERYONE WAS GATHERED AROUND ME,

AND EVEN TURK GAVE ME RESPECT.

KIND OF.

- THAT'S GREAT, HONEY.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE LIKING IT HERE.

- WAHHH!

[glass shattering] OOF.

I WAS LOOKING FOR MY FRISBEE.

- THAT ONE?

- UM, YEAH.

- I'LL FIX ANOTHER PLATE.

- SO, MS. BRANDO,

MONDO SAYS YOU'RE WORKING AT TIKI TACO.

HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?

- IT'S ALL RIGHT.

- I'M JUST GRATEFUL THAT I DON'T HAVE TO BE

A HOOKER ANYMORE.

- [choking]

- * SHE'S MY CHERRY PIE *

* SWEET CHERRY PIE *

- SO IS CALIFORNIA EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT IT'D BE?

- NO.

IT'S BETTER.

- MONDO, LOOK!

THE BOOB SOLAR CYCLE IS NEARLY COMPLETE.

AS THEY PREPARE TO RE-HOOK THEIR BIKINI TOPS--

- SCREW THIS.

LET'S DO IT JERSEY STYLE.

HUH! IT'S A RAT!

[girls screaming]

- AND THE STUDENT HAS BECOME THE MASTER.

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