Original subtitles

‐ ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

‐ [laughs]

Ooh! [growls]

‐ Mommy! ‐ Aaaaaaah!

‐ Duncan! ‐ Duncan!

[indistinct chatter]

‐ You know, this is gonna be an extra special Witch Day

because it's Friday the 13th with a full blood moon.

[laughs evilly]

‐ [screams, panting] Oh!

‐ It's okay, Jing, a blood moon

just means the moon's so close to the Earth,

it looks like it's dripping in blood.

[both laugh evilly]

‐ [screams]

‐ Ah, traumatizing your kids‐‐ a Witch Day tradition.

‐ Dad, how's my Witch Day booth coming along?

‐ What? You told me you were gonna build it yourself

and to keep my greasy fingernails out of it.

‐ Yeah, but I figured you'd do it anyway.

And now you're telling me you haven't even started?

How could you do this to me? I trusted you.

‐ So sorry. I'll get right on it.

‐ No, Jack, if she wants to be a little businesswoman

and sell her witchy potions

and do‐dads and whatever hell broth is at the carnival,

she's got to stop being so irresponsible.

She didn't even take out the trash.

Shoo! [bear huffs]

‐ When are we leaving?

I'm meeting my friends at the fair.

both: And Mia?

‐ I don't know. She might be there.

I'm not her keeper, okay? God, come on. Let's go.

‐ Want a little Jack Hack

on getting your first Lip Smack from Mia at the carnival?

‐ God, no.

‐ Take her to the haunted house when she's good and scared.

You throw your scrawny,

toneless arm around her and say,

"It's okay, baby. The D‐man's here."

Then set your lips to stun.

‐ Mom, Dad's telling me how to make moves on Mia.

‐ Jack, let him go at his own pace.

He's a sexual late bloomer.

‐ [scoffs] No, I'm not. You are.

[bird chirping]

‐ And to your right is Ol' Oakie,

which is the cute name for the tree

where they hung all those falsely accused witches.

They say if you listen close, you can still hear 'em scream.

[all whimper] But we don't have time for that

because we got free churros and Build‐A‐Broom.

We're walking. We're walking.

[all gasp]

‐ I hope you were paying attention, Kimberly,

because next year you're welding this yourself.

‐ But you in that welding mask is so empowering, Mom.

‐ You think so?

Well, I've always fancied myself a girl boss.

‐ Okay, coven, let's sell some potions.

‐ What are the active ingredients

in this hair potion?

‐ Suave shampoo and glitter.

‐ I'll roll the dice.

‐ [gasps] Jack, look, its Huxter,

the abomination that swept the nation.

Half cat, half pig,

all Huxter.

‐ This is the year I win you.

‐ You say that every year, Jack.

‐ This is the year I'm winning Huxter.

But this year is different.

Remember all those nights I told you I was working late?

Well, instead, I took our kitchen remodel money

and went to the arcade

to practice the milk bottle toss.

‐ You lied to me?

That's so sweet.

Kimberly, watch Jing for an hour while we fulfill

a lifelong dream of owning a stuffed animal.

‐ But I wanna spend time with my friends.

‐ Friends come and go. Sisters are forever.

And these three will ghost you

as soon as they find a boyfriend.

‐ Oh, like you won't.

‐ Come on, Jack. Let's go find Huxter.

‐ Yay! I'm in your coven, Kimberly.

I'll be a good helper because when I mix potions,

I go like this.

♪ I am Jing, I'm mixing ♪

♪ Lalala! ♪

Oops, sorry. ‐ Hm.

‐ Let me sit on the end 'cause I'm for sure ralphing.

‐ Fasten those safety bars.

Keep your arms and legs inside at all times

and enjoy The Scrambler.

[hard rock music playing]

‐ Are we moving at all?

‐ Time to crank it up to turbo!

‐ [grunts]

‐ Come on. Let's hit the haunted house.

It ain't Witch Day till I'm chased

by an alcoholic with a chainsaw.

‐ I love haunted houses.

When I'm scared, I just lose control.

I will jump on whatever is next to me.

‐ [gasps] Me go there now fast.

Hydration station?

What happened to the haunted house?

‐ Well, after we accidentally hired that sex offender

and gave him a machete, the judge made us turn it into

a hydration station for the elderly.

‐ Oh, I hate my life! ‐ Damn, D.

They just trying to keep old people moist and all that.

‐ No, I came up with this brilliant Jack Hack

to get my first Lip Smack.

I take Mia somewhere scary, protect her,

and maybe she gives me a kiss and we get married one day.

I don't know. ‐ Oh, no problem.

I know a place so scary,

no one's dared to enter in years.

[dramatic music]

[wind whooshing]

[thunder booms]

‐ That is some well‐timed lightning.

[indistinct chatter]

‐ [gasps] It's the Coding Boys.

I heard they all designed their own apps.

‐ Geeks are the new rock stars.

‐ They're coming. They're coming. They're coming.

Look smart.

What sort of potion are you looking for today?

Perhaps true love?

‐ Do you have something for an upset stomach?

‐ Sorry, we witches don't make potions for tummy aches.

Good luck with your gas. Bye!

‐ One of them could be the next Jeff Bezos,

aka the hottest man alive.

‐ Jing, you're not qualified to be a witch.

You didn't take the 12‐minute online course like we did.

‐ I can get qualified.

Mommy said I have 15 minutes of screen time left.

Shoot me the link.

‐ We don't want you in our coven.

You need to sit over there by that tree

and not touch anything or say anything

until Mom comes to get you.

‐ Can I breathe?

‐ I better not hear it.

‐ [somberly] ♪ Lalala ♪

♪ I'm sitting ♪

♪ I am Jing ♪

Huh?

[soft tense music]

[gasps] The blood moon!

♪ ♪

♪ I am Jing, I am scared ♪

‐ [shrieks]

‐ Shut up, Jing!

‐ That wasn't me.

‐ Sisters. Am I right?

‐ My mommy told me not to talk to strangers.

But you don't have a white van, so hi, I'm Jing.

♪ Lalala ♪

‐ I heard you want to be a witch.

It just so happens I'm a Tree Witch,

and I can make you one too.

‐ Yay! Shoot me the link.

‐ No link. You need a wand.

Snap off one of my branches. Any branch.

No, I pee out of that one.

Just kidding. [both laugh]

‐ How do I use this?

‐ Think about what you want most

then point that wand and shoot.

[bird chirps]

‐ Candy.

Huh.

Kimberly and her dumb coven can't do that.

I'm gonna go show my friends.

‐ ♪ You are Jing, magic king ♪

Damn. Now it's stuck in my head.

‐ "Shark Tank" makes being the kid entrepreneur look fun,

but this blows.

‐ Want to go see the bearded baby?

‐ Sure. I bet he's walking this year.

I'll get Jing.

Huh! Jing?

Jing? Oh, crap.

If Mom finds out I told Jing to get lost and she did,

she's gonna find some way to blame me.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

‐ Now legend has it in the early 2000s,

this was a thriving hub for your electronic needs

until one night legend has it the assistant manager

Gordy Hamilton discovered you could buy electronics

on the internet and, blu‐blam, killed himself.

Legend has it his spirit

still wanders the aisles exacting revenge

on anyone who took their business elsewhere.

Or at least legend has it or whatever.

‐ [screams]

Season three of "Chuck" on DVD.

I'm getting out of here, man!

‐ What the hell is that?

[grunts]

[balloon whizzes]

‐ Mia, are you freaking out?

It's okay if you freak out

'cause I'm here for you and I'm feeling really strong.

‐ The only scary thing are these prices.

30 bucks for blank CDs? No wonder this place closed.

‐ Stay right here.

I'm sensing a "paranormanal" feeling over there.

Nothing scary is happening and my lips are set to stun.

‐ You are so impatient.

Haven't you ever watched those ghost shows?

They walk around for an hour just saying,

"Do you hear that?"

‐ Yeah, Duncan. It's all about the buildup.

‐ Trust me, it's built up.

‐ Just get back to your girl, D.

You let us rattle the dead cage of Gordy.

‐ Thanks. Make sure he's pissed.

‐ Okay, legend has it wrong. The ghost of Gordy isn't real.

‐ What? ‐ Yeah, you know what?

I just remembered he didn't kill himself.

He took a job across the street at Best Buy.

‐ Same thing. ‐ But we promised Duncan to go

so he could marry Mia and that is exactly what we're gonna do.

So follow your boy to the bowels of Circuit City.

[thunder booms]

‐ Wow, Mother Nature brought her A‐Game tonight.

[riders cheering]

‐ Look what the black cat dragged in‐‐

Jack Harris, the lamest of all God's asses.

‐ Wendell, you look unwell.

‐ And you look like a guy

who's gonna blow his wad losing a kid's game again,

I've still got your grandfather's Purple Heart

from last year.

‐ Don't let him get in your head like he does every year.

‐ You will never beat this game, lame ass.

And thank you for the barber recommendation.

‐ One eyeball, please?

‐ You get five. ‐ Don't need 'em.

Unhook Huxter and say your goodbyes

'cause that pig cat's comin' home with me, baby.

Huh!

‐ [yelps]

Who put that target and tank of water here?

‐ Four more balls, please.

‐ Try it again without tempting fate, Jack.

‐ Yep. Yep. Yep.

Come on.

‐ ♪ I am Jing, game rigging ♪

♪ Lalala ♪

‐ [gasps] They all fell down!

We did it, Grandpa!

And the Powerball's up to 200 million, hint, hint.

‐ Only took 30 years and $7,000,

but so worth it.

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

‐ Or would you care to wager your Huxter for...

An even bigger Huxter?

‐ Nice try, Wendell, but I know my Annie

and she's not impressed by size.

Right, Annie?

‐ Oh, mama wants.

[thunder booming]

‐ Hey, where'd everybody go?

‐ I don't know. Bathroom or killed by Gordy.

Do you hear that?

‐ No.

‐ Do you hear that?

‐ No, I'll let you know when I hear something.

‐ [sighs]

‐ On my cue, let's start haunting this bitch.

‐ [groaning]

[groaning echoing]

‐ Tell me you heard that. ‐ I definitely heard that.

‐ It's kinda working but I don't hear wedding bells.

‐ Maybe we could scare them with whatever the hell this is.

‐ What is that? Some kinda Slenderman freak?

‐ I don't know.

But I'm getting nervous holding it.

‐ Get away from my Gran Torino, punks!

both: [scream] Gordy!

‐ Oh, no. Duncan peed himself.

‐ Oh, my God.

What did I drink so much at the hydration station?

‐ [groans]

‐ Hold me. ‐ I can't.

[panting]

Shut up, Gordy. ‐ [groans]

Wait for me.

‐ Oh, I can't let Mia see this. It might be a turn off.

‐ ♪ Gran Torino ♪

‐ Duncan, where are you?

‐ ♪ Love what you got under the hood ♪

♪ I'd have sex with you if I could ♪

♪ Gran Torino ♪

‐ Cotton press? Active wear?

Where's the dry pee setting?

[indistinct chatter]

‐ Round of fried Cokes for me and my fwiends.

‐ I'm allergic to fried foods, but that's okay.

My mom likes the attention when I get sick.

‐ That'll be five bucks.

‐ My coin purse only has thwee nickels.

[chimes shimmer]

‐ Check it again.

‐ Benjamin Fwanklin?

all: Wow!

‐ Hmm, hmm.

‐ I'm a witch. ‐ That's awesome.

You should be on

"America's Got"‐‐ what do you call it‐‐"Talent."

‐ There you are. ‐ Uh‐oh.

‐ Hey, you're gonna wanna give it a few minutes.

[kids panting]

‐ Crap, I'm too short.

I knew I should'na let Ma trim my pomp.

‐ Not a prob.

all: Oh. ‐ Hey.

Check it out.

I'm like Tilda Swinton over here!

[all laugh, cheer]

‐ Eat my bumper!

Whee!

‐ Gotcha.

‐ [grunts] Ooh, my L‐5!

Mother will be pleased.

‐ I've been worried sick about what Mom would do to me

if she knew I lost you.

‐ You were mean to me.

But then I met the Tree Witch and she gave me magical powers.

‐ Sure she did, Jing. And I'm a B cup.

‐ [screams]

[all gasp]

‐ Kimberly is our leader now.

‐ The coven and I just discussed it

and we decided to let you join.

‐ Oh, now I'm good enough for your coven?

Well, no thank‐‐ okay, I'll join.

‐ So how do we get powers too? ‐ It's not that easy.

The Tree Witch has to really like you.

And we are pretty tight.

She's like my sixth best friend.

‐ I'm in a coven. I know how to talk to witches.

Hey, girlfriend, me and my crew were talking

and we'd love to snap some twigs

and have what you've got going on.

[chimes shimmer]

‐ Well, somebody knows how to talk to witches.

[all gasp] ‐ But first,

I need a little favor from you.

Hold hands, make a circle around me,

and read this incantation.

[all gasp]

all: Esaeler Eht Liveee.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

‐ What's happening? [gasps]

‐ Oh, my God. It says "Release the eee‐vil."

I can read backwards. I do the word jumble every day.

‐ Say goodbye to your town. It's your last Witch Day ever.

[witches cackling]

‐ Crap, back to socks.

[witches cackling]

[ominous music]

‐ Ah!

‐ Watch out! [crowd screaming]

‐ There goes this month's rent.

Curse you, God!

‐ The witches kicked us out. Of course I beat my chest.

‐ I wish I knew the word to describe

the terror I'm feeling.

‐ They say if you listen close, you can still hear them scream.

‐ [screams] ‐ Witches! We're witches!

‐ Damn, those Witch Day edibles are kicking in.

‐ Duncan, I'm scared, and I can use an arm around me.

‐ [gasps]

Yes! I know how to use that.

♪ Gran Torino ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo ♪

‐ Dude, your pants have metal on 'em.

‐ So?

[electricity crackles]

‐ This place is gonna blow. ‐ [gasps]

‐ [grunts]

‐ What's happening? I'm scared.

‐ I got you, babe.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, hot zipper. Ow.

[witches cackling]

‐ [gasps] Oh, my God, Jack, look.

‐ Not now, Annie, this is my last ball

and he has my wedding band.

‐ What's for dinner, honey?

‐ [gasps]

‐ I achieved all I wanted in life.

‐ The hell is goin' on?

‐ Okay, let me start by saying,

I did a great job watching Jing.

That being said, I accidentally released

a bunch of angry witches that want to destroy our town.

‐ You what?

‐ My new best friend's a she‐devil.

‐ Hello, Oakdale! Good to be back.

It's been 400 years and this place still smells

like Goody Bingham's crusty ass!

Who's ready to die?

‐ Not today, hags.

‐ Oakdale Militia, assemble!

‐ It's our constitutional right to kill these witches.

‐ Fools, don't you know bullets only make witches stronger?

‐ Is that true? ‐ On Xbox.

‐ Damn, this carnival got a lot scarier since we left.

‐ That's what's up, Witch Day!

‐ What do you want?

We'll do anything.

‐ An apology. ‐ Never.

‐ This town has profited off our misery for too long.

‐ Hey, my tours are donation only.

And I'm always talking you guys up.

In fact, I say burning women is wrong two times.

‐ And you're appropriating witch culture.

Look at you‐‐ the hats, the brooms.

That guy's in witch face!

‐ Actually, 23 and me says I'm 1/16 witch.

But what will people wanna punch?

‐ I'm confused.

I thought you were falsely accused of being witches.

‐ You falsely accuse enough people,

you're bound to nail a few guilty ones.

It's a numbers game.

‐ Okay, who wants to be burned to death first?

[crowd screaming]

‐ Oh, my God!

‐ Annie, if I die tonight,

raise the kids with Huxter.

‐ Kimberly, you understand this boppity‐boop!

Talk to them. ‐ [growls]

‐ Hi, I love witches. I'm a witch too.

We're a sisterhood. Sisters have to stick together.

Even when they chase the hot nerdy boys away.

‐ They didn't want you.

‐ What? There were vibes.

‐ This is what we're talking about.

We wish witches and mortals could coexist peacefully.

But you're just gonna wind up hanging us again.

‐ Yeah. ‐ So true.

‐ You got my number.

‐ [laughing]

‐ We're never going back to that tree.

‐ We hate living in that tree.

‐ Yeah, we're all on top of each other.

‐ People make out under us,

carve their initials in our butts.

So sorry. Prepare to die!

[all screaming]

‐ Huxter!

‐ Listen, I'm totally fine with dying.

But if you're just looking for a non‐tree place to live,

I think I can help.

‐ Hmm.

‐ Check it out. 30,000 square feet

where you can fly, cackle,

and have access to all the HP products that you want.

‐ And like all vacant retail spaces,

you can turn it into a Spirit Halloween store.

‐ What the hell is Halloween?

‐ Oh, you're gonna love it.

‐ Oakdale, you've got yourself a deal.

[all cheer]

‐ I guess we'll never learn how to be real witches.

[phone buzzes]

‐ Hey, Tree Witch shot us a link.

‐ Oh, sorry about tonight. I was trying to get you scared

so maybe you'd want me to put my arm around you.

‐ Duncan, if you wanna put your arm around me,

you don't have to come up with elaborate schemes.

I prefer a guy who's direct and honest.

‐ Okay.

Mia, I'd like to put my arm around you.

‐ Okay. ‐ Huh?

[laughs] This is kinda nice.

Can I say something else honest?

‐ Sure. ‐ My arm is cramping.

‐ Why don't you just relax and I'll put my arm around you?

‐ Oh, thank God. Yes.

‐ ♪ Gran Torino ♪

‐ Ooh, who's the bone man?

‐ Ravioli?

You make the same thing every night.

‐ It's your father's favorite meal.

‐ That better be ravioli. [belches]

‐ Why is he living with us?

‐ It was your old dad's dying wish and we moved on.

Any luck job hunting, honey?

‐ Oh, here we go!

Oink‐meow, I told you.

My back is a mess from hanging on that hook for so long.

‐ Our old dad had a job.

‐ Well, your old dad ain't here, is he?

[grunts]

‐ Jack's back, baby.

all: [cheer] ‐ Dad's back!

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