Original subtitles

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* It's less hard than it should be *

* To find a dead guy dressed up as Batman *

* His penis out, with a magazine *

* And a Go-Gurt hanging out of his mouth *

* But you know, I say

* "Hey, now, this America"

* Got some time to kill, and we need a thrill *

* So we die doing the dumbest of shit *

* Here we go, we got

* People hanging out at abandoned malls *

* Trying to get the dead people to talk to them *

* With a little rigged-up Bluetooth thing *

* With a feather kicking out of the back *

* And you know, they got Go-Gurts *

* 'Cause this is America

* We got some time to kill, and we need a thrill *

* So we die doing the dumbest of shit *

* Here we go, we got

* A guy going 60 on a six-foot unicycle *

* Gunning down a road that is made of gravel *

* And he's barreling towards a hanging bag *

* That is full of flaming Go-Gurts *

* And now he's dead

* I said, Hey, now

* This is America

You want to go up or down?

You want to go up or down, kid?

Come on. Let's go. Up or down?

Up or down, kid?

Up or down?! Let's go!

[ British accent ] Well, I thank you all

for coming on this tour.

I'm Urban Keith.

If you look to your left,

there's a crack house that I got stabbed in.

But I didn't move, 'cause I'm Urban Keith.

I'm Urban Keith.

I'm Urban Keith.

* One, two, three, four

* What? What? * Hmm

* What? What? What? * Hmm

* Hey, oh * I go "Matrix"

* What? What? * I go "Heat"

* Hey, oh, * I go "Dark Knight"

* What? What? * I go "Heat"

* Hey, oh * I go "Rocky"

* What? What? * I go "Heat"

* Hey, oh * I go "Matrix"

* What? What? * I go sleep

* Hey, oh

* What? What? What? * Hmm

* Oh * Hmm

* Hey, oh

So, let us explain our wedding again.

I wore all black, like, uh --

like one of your devils, you know?

The evil spirit of the jungle -- I looked like that.

And I dressed all in white, like a princess.

Uh, you can put it in their terms, Linda.

Right. Okay.

I wore milk or -- or cream,

like breast food or -- or even, um, semen.

I wore semen. White.

My dress was white.

Then, and only then, did God allow us

to, uh -- for me to thump her pumpkin with my man snake.

He put de thumb in de pumpkin, but the lady don't smile.

He put de thumb in de pumpkin, but the lady say, "Why?"

Right, so, any questions on marriage?

Woman: So, this one time, I had to see my friend

play his stupid music in the worst part of town.

And, look, I got an indomitable spirit, okay?

But my body? Completely domitable.

I got no illusions, okay? I play it safe.

And this was not safe.

Like, even the trees had hard-ons.

Anyway, the bar -- It was dude land,

and, no, there were, like, no regular men.

It was all cretinous lechers

with other people's skin under their fingernails.

I mean, guys are gross anyway, right?

Even the saints are gross.

Like, once telepathy is invented and it's like an app,

like an iTell or whatever --

Once everyone can read minds,

every woman on the planet will leave the planet.

We'll all be like, "Oh,

that's what I thought was going on in there.

Check, please."

Anyway, this bar -- Let me tell you.

The situation was so bad,

my rape whistle started going off all on its own.

And, uh, this rather semenous guy

walks up to me, and I think, "Ugh, here we go."

But he was like,

"You friends with that other girl who's here?"

And I was like, "Um, why would there be another girl here?"

And he was like, "I'm talking about

that girl with those dark, dark toenails."

I said, "Um, I can tell you,

just from that little bit of info,

that, no, no, she is not a friend of mine."

And then, here's the best part.

The band wasn't even playing that night.

So, Uber and out.

Stay safe, girls.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Man: * Take a minute to get yourself right *

* Pull them cutoffs over them tights *

* Get the gloves that are made of leather *

* Get your bitches all back together *

* Take a minute to get yourself right *

* Get the jacket made for bullfights *

* Get your girlfriends in from the weather *

* Get the couches made out of leather *

* Take a minute to set the mood lights *

* Tell the girls about your new life *

* Give them gifts all made out of leather *

* Tell the girls you're way into leather *

[ Slow music plays ]

Man: Climate change.

Drones.

Terrorism.

And...

I'm afraid that maybe my hands, feet, eyes, and penis

are shrinking.

Monsanto.

Terrorism. [ Machine-gun fire ]

And maybe you could take a look at my hands

and compare them with photos of the past.

Terrorism. [ Gun cocks ]

Drones.

And do you think my penis is less big when it is erect

than it used to be?

Drones.

You know, I always say James Bond

is, like, really [bleep] split down the middle.

Like, one half is a suave, sexy semen dispenser.

But, like, the other half is a super-angry sociopath

because he hurts and kills everyone around him.

Like, also, he has a tiny gun, like, meant for a kid to use

when he's shooting fleas off the backs of rats

from the back of a pickup going like 90 down the highway

at night, like, when, uh, the stars are out

up in the air, all perfect and warm,

up in the high-up ceiling ocean of the sky.

Yeah, you know, James Bond has, like, a problem

with, like, giving all the girls sex

but then death, you know,

because all the girls he touches ends up dead.

You know, he's got a bad record for that.

And, like, uh, you know,

his apartment got all this extra blood in it

for the times he loses blood.

You know, he's like Lance Armstrong

of the spies, you know?

Which, I mean, he's super doped-up.

Ha, ha!

Anyway, I'm pretty psyched

about that new one, though.

Oh, cool.

John's hat collection.

No, no, no, no, no! Don't wear those!

I had lice!

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

[ Camera shutter clicks ] Awesome.

Wow, there are so many.

I'm gonna donate these to the kindergarten.

No!

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

* A...duke was out driving

* smoking and a-smiling

* When Hitler ran up

* And then Harvey said, "Bang, bang" *

* Nixon started fixing Einstein on the mission *

* And Japan had planned to turn into ash *

* The Viet-K-K-Kong was a Soviet song *

* About a wall and a man and a plan about Panama *

* Jack in the hat with a criminal stack of bills *

* down in the spidery hole

Come on, man.

That's got to be how it went, right?

[ Classical music plays ]

Mom: Lunchtime, kids!

[ Music intensifies ]

[ Sighs ]

Break time for this ol' cowpoke.

[ Gasps ] What?! You're alive?

Oh, shit, Johnny.

Well, I guess the secret is over.

Guys, come on out!

Hey, Johnny.

What's up, Private?

Can I get a little hairbrush?

Oh, awesome! My toys are alive!

Not just your toys, Johnny.

I'm not just a house's wall.

I'm Tim. And I'm Dee Dee.

Johnny, finally the silence is broken.

Okay, so, everything's alive?

Yep. Everything is alive and has opinions.

Johnny, I have crumbs in my crack.

Don't throw me in the trash where I can't shine, Johnny.

It's [bleep] cold outside!

What's happening, Johnny? Oh, I don't know, Janie.

I'm your dress, Janie.

Wash me for once. I stink of ham.

Janie, stop with the sugar!

I'm kind of scared.

Get off me, Johnny! Get off me, Rug!

How do I take a step without hurting anyone?

Just you being alive hurts lots and lots and lots of folks.

Stop doing that one thing with me, Johnny.

Everyone hates you, Johnny.

Johnny, I was made in China, but I can't speak Chinese. Johnny!

I want to go home and learn my homeland.

Help! Johnny?

[ Johnny and Janie screaming ]

[ Crying ]

[ Sobbing ]

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

* A brunette in a town that'll kill a pet *

* Twister came and took them away *

* No way, bitch

* Group of dudes saw the girl in a shoe dispute *

* with a Western witch who exclaimed * * No way, bitch

* Then she helped an idiot, then she helped a psychopath *

* Then she helped a bully

* And now these guys are on her back *

* Then she met a wizard who only wants a witch's broom *

* Flying monkeys drop her

* Right back into the shoe dispute *

* So, the dogs and the boyos are making noise *

* Water went the Western witch way *

* No way, bitch

* Now the Wiz is a deejay you cannot shoot *

* Dorothy does a micro-dance and reappears in Kansas *

* So she's home

[Bleep]

[ Howling ]

[ Screams ]

[ Screams ]

[ Screams ]

**

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