Original subtitles

**

Announcer: This summer...

Bruce Willis in "Bruce Willis,"

starring Bruce Willis

and Bruce Willis

and Bruce Willis

and Bruce Willis

and Bruce Willis

and Bruce Willis

and Bruce Willis...

[ Gunshot ] ...Bruce Willis,

Willis, Bruce Willis...

This summer...

Bruce Willis.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I think it's time we talked.

[ Woman shrieks ]

* Back to the sex cave

[ Woman shrieks ]

* Back to the sex cave

* Today I had errands

* I had to buy a new chain

New chain. [ Woman shrieks ]

* I had to get my samples back, you know *

-Oh, yeah. -You know.

* Oh, yeah

* Then I paid with Fabergé eggs *

* If you don't take 'em

...you.

* If you don't take 'em

[ Woman shrieks ] -...you.

* If you don't take 'em

* Then it's back to the sex cave *

Shh.

* Back to the sex cave

* Hey, Katie, I finally finished my script *

Yeah.

* For the Little Richard biopic *

* Now I can die

Wait.

* But first it's back to the sex cave *

* And on and on and on and on

* Back to the sex cave

[ Crowd cheering ]

Okay, guys, it's time to take Little Milton

back to the hospital.

No!

Okay. [ Chuckles ]

Whatever.

I'm Crimplestiltskin!

Why would I not crimp your hair?

Frizz and frizz and frizz.

[ Laughs ]

[ Boing! Boing! ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Screams ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Sighs ]

Announcer: Big Brown Audio presents

"An Inspirational Look at Jobs in the Future"

by Bernard Blopblop.

Tambor: Who am I talking to?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you guys. Okay, you guys.

You guys -- You guys are going to enjoy eating yourselves

when the food runs out.

The future is [bleep]

It's over. It's all ending.

Let's be serious, all right?

All jobs -- Can you hear me?

All jobs in the future will be corpse-related.

I have an idea for a movie. It's me trying to eat you.

You knock on my door asking for help.

Then I bring you down to my basement, and I eat your back.

You are [bleep]

You guys have made a mistake.

You gave us your money

instead of buying a bunch of guns

and moving to the top of a mountain.

Get up there and eat, uh, eagles.

[ Eagle screeches ]

And -- And wait the next few decades out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're gonna be eating each other's backs.

And it's the backs you want to eat, see.

Keep that face turned away from you so you don't feel guilty.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, sorry. Here's my one piece of advice.

Watch all the "Mad Max" movies, okay?

Yeah, all right [bleep] those.

Thank you.

And go to hell, you [bleep]

Announcer: Thanks, audience.

[ Inhales ]

* I know that scent

* Let me see your throat

[ Inhales ]

* Tonsils raised and malodorous brocade *

* Wow, I'm starting to choke

[ Inhales ]

* I feel like seven little dwarves in a mine *

* It's time to pick, oh, please, don't you mind *

* As I romance your stones

* As I romance your stones

Man: It's like I always see Tyra Banks, you know,

up in a shark tower, you know,

with, like, a net that she has made

out of, like, dental floss.

And she's waiting up there for that one kid --

that one kid to pass underneath her.

You know, that one kid

who may or may not have stolen her beach read,

which is, like, a super-hard-to-find edition

of "The Kama Sutra" because herself, Tyra Banks,

has been drawn in all the illustrations

of the positions.

It's really rare.

[ Snoring ]

So, how do you like it?

Wow, this monster is so bad he's got to be a gay liberal.

He's causing more destruction

than the so-called Holocaust, which never happened.

First, we'll kill the monster,

then we'll clean the rest of the monster races out of the city.

All: Yeah! Let's go!

Oh, man, the lazy Mexicans must have let him out.

I bet he jumped the border.

What have the Jews been feeding him?

He's huge.

Come to your senses, Nort.

The Jews don't feed anyone but themselves.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, we did not call you guys.

Never need to, sheriff.

No, no, I mean we do not want your help.

[ Roaring ]

Looks like you need it to me.

That monster's tearing down your city.

Good job, Carl, telling that liberal sheriff what's what.

Jenny, go tie up the monster.

Jack, go segregate the schools.

[ Roaring ]

I'm afraid this is gonna take all of us.

All: Morphing time!

Mel Gibson mode!

Now that we're in Mel Gibson mode,

let's go ahead and wipe out Chinatown.

And after that, Little Armenia.

Hell, no. Come on, everyone.

We got to stop it.

[ Roaring ]

[ Crowd cheering ]

Yeah! Hell, yeah!

Man, we done told you this is our turf, money!

[ Whistling ]

Hi, I'm Henry Sneaker in the lusty city of Barcelona.

We have plenty to explore,

but first, I want to check in to that hotel.

Hit the hand sanitizer and peek out the window

at that city and all its dangerous locals.

If you're feeling adventurous, try room service.

Don't forget to hide in the closet

when they deliver the food

and keep a firm grasp on that money belt.

When they come in, get a glimpse of that bellhop.

What a local.

Later this afternoon,

we'll explore the paintings in the hotel room,

or we'll browse a brochure

depicting the frightening sights and wonders

that Barcelona has to offer.

Here's a great world-traveling tip --

Go ahead and get to the airport

three days prior to your departure.

But on your way to the airport,

be sure to hide yourself under a blanket in the back of a cab.

What I like to do when leaving for the airport

in a city as lusty as Barcelona

is to actually order a second cab and put a mannequin in it.

I dress that mannequin like me, and I include a decoy money belt

to lure those thieves and locals.

Remember a tip from season one --

Always carry a concealed snake hook when traveling.

When exchanging money for the taxi,

I'd say it's time to whip out that snake hook.

Once you're home after the exhausting travel,

you can finally go number two.

And that's how Henry Sneaker does lusty Barcelona.

* Ooh, what's up? [ Laughs ]

* What's up?

* What's up, time?

* What's up? What's up? *

* What's up, time?

* Nothing stinks to me

* Nope, nothing stinks to me *

* Used to have a problem with the world *

* But now nothing stinks to me *

[ Cheers and applause ]

Bass!

Welcome back to the Country Music Awards.

I'm Chuck D. And I'm Cheddar Lynn.

[ Applause ]

Ohh, y'all!

Oh, thank you so much for that.

Okay, y'all, here's the winner for video of the year.

Jennifer Misty's "Christmas Prayer to Y'all."

[ Cheers and applause ]

* All's I want for Christmas is y'all *

* Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba

* All's I want for Christmas is y'all *

* Ba, ba, ba, ba

* Y'all are all so special

* Y'all are all so grand

* Y'all are all the things and all I wanted *

* on the Fatherland

* Fatherland, yeah

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