Original subtitles

[ Hip-hop playing ]

MAN: Last week on "Baby Sleuths"...

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Can't crack this triple homicide.

It's been wracking my [bleep] brain.

Looks like we don't have to.

[ Cooing ]

Wow. They're just so smart.

[ Cooing ]

God, I know.

[ Crying ]

They did it again.

* Uh-huh

* Poompf, poompf

* Oh, here we go, here we go *

* Poompf, poompf

* Let's start the show

* Poompf, poompf

* Let's start the show

* Poompf, poompf

* Yeah, let me start the show

* Poompf is just the sound of when a pillow hits the floor *

* And just because I'm poompfing doesn't mean that I'm a whore *

* 'Cause going down is normal in today's United States *

* And I expect my man to poompf *

* And, yo, I'm no ingrate

* I'm gonna poompf, poompf

* Yeah, you know what I mean

* Poompf, poompf

* Yeah, let me set the scene

* Yesterday was sucking

* 'Cause my car was broken down *

* My clothes were stolen

* And my cousin's daughter's cat was drown *

* I sat in my apartment

* I was eating curds and whey

* But, yo, my girlfriend came home *

* And she said, "Yo, spread those legs" *

* I'm gonna poompf, poompf

* Hey, yo, I didn't even care about that cat anymore *

* Poompf, poompf

* Yeah, let me add some more

* I was at the Jiffy Lube

* And dude came at me hard

* But when I said, "No, thank you" *

* He was sweet and I was charmed *

* On top of that I saw him help a kitten from a tree *

* So, girl, I whipped a pillow out my purse *

* Yeah, y'all know me

* I'm gonna poompf, poompf

* Oh, that's what's in store

* Poompf, Poompf

* Yeah, y'all know some more

* Poompf, poompf

* Hey, yo, it's just a nice thing to do *

* Poompf, poompf

* Yeah, you know what I do

* Poompf

[ Dog barks ]

Here we go, lads, here we go.

Place your bets on our next beast

to be set upon by 500 bulldogs.

[ Snarling ]

Bring in the beast!

[ Barking continues ]

Last bets!

Folks, here we go!

[ Whirring ]

[ Cheering ]

Release the dogs!

[ Barking ]

[ Chomp! ]

[ Whining ]

[ Growls, barks ]

[ Zapping ]

Let's hear it for Stephen!

[ Cheering ]

* On and on

-What? * On and on

-What? * Semen is a demon

* Let it out, let it out -What?

* Semen is a demon, let it out, let it out *

-What? * Semen is a demon

* Get it out, get it out

-What? * Semen is a demon

* Suck it out, suck it out -What?

Right?

ILANA: Oh, you know, here's one.

Like, making fun of British people,

like, as though they're, like, hot but they're not.

Like...

[ Gurgling ]

Like the Royals.

The Royals.

Ey...

The Royals.

Hey, the Royals!

ILANA: Even like Jews.

* Trying to fit in wherever she goes *

* Preteen with a Predator head

* Growing up and stuff Like everyone else *

* Preteen with a Predator head

* What kind of makeup should I use? *

* They don't carry greens and teals *

* Preteen Predator head

* Preteen with a Predator head

* How do I talk with a boy?

* Preteen with a Predator head

* Does everyone feel like me?

* Does everyone feel like me?

[ Seagull squawking ]

[ Whimpering ]

[ Chuckling ] I'm at peace.

I'm -- I'm at peace.

[ Laughing ]

I'm at peace!

I'm at peace.

If I touch a fish, I start having an orgasm,

and I can't stop!

My privates turn into a BP oil spill.

I know.

* Preteen Predator head

[ Cheering ]

Hey, kiddo. What's up?

Oh, nothing, Mom and Dad.

[ Laugh track ]

Oh, honey.

I think we know our little girl a little better than that.

[ Studio audience gasps ]

Come on. You can talk to us about your feelings.

[ Cheering ]

Well, okay. It's just that...

I'm starting to feel like I'm not a girl anymore.

[ Laugh track ]

I feel like I'm having woman feelings.

[ Heckling ]

Sounds like this is a ladies only conversation.

[ Cheering ]

I'm gonna go watch some LeBron in the garage.

[ Ahh'ing ]

Yell if you need me.

[ Booing ]

Tabitha, have you started your period?

[ Cheering ]

No, it's not that. I like a boy.

[ Whooping ]

And I want him to like me.

But I feel like he doesn't even know I exist.

[ Laughter ]

He won't even make eye contact with me.

Honey, all girls go through this.

You just gotta be yourself,

and if a boy likes you for who you are,

well, then he's gotta get Daddy's approval.

Hey, no boyfriend for my little girl!

[ Cheering ]

I'm not ready for that. [ Aww'ing ]

[ Chuckles ] I feel better.

Thanks.

[ Booing ]

I love you, Mom.

[ Cheering ]

And Dad!

Love you, too, pumpkin!

[ Booing ]

* Preteen Predator head

Come on now!

You know what I want to see.

I want to see a couple of half-naked bodies

on the television screen.

Now don't get me wrong,

I'm not talking about that full-frontal stuff.

I'm talking about that television tease.

It ain't nothing you're gonna find on the Internet,

because the Internet will give you all the way.

And sometimes you don't want to see it all the way.

So that's what we're gonna get on the television screen.

It got to give me "the tease."

Like only ugly people kill or do bad things.

For one, bad guys are often hot.

And, two, all animals gotta eat to live.

And eating, most of the time, is killing.

Even little cheetah cubs got their beautiful mamas

out there running down ugly, innocent wildebeest.

I'm not saying either are villains,

just that the ugly guy isn't biting the throat.

Look, turtles are out there slowly [bleep] up some plants.

And who knows, one day, science is gonna say, "Guess what, guys?

We can finally hear plants, and they are super pissed."

I suppose the best thing to do is eat the dead.

You know, eat those that have died of natural causes.

Who knew that scavengers -- all super ugly, by the way --

are the true good guys out there.

Hmm. So ugly does not equal bad.

See something...

say -- say something.

See something, say something.

See something, say something.

You see something...

say something.

* Oh, yeah

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

* If you are hearing this

* We are...you

* If you are hearing this

* We are...you

* When you're standing on the chest of the best *

* Don't forget to quiver your quiver to drop the drops *

* Be a receptacle

* For what is stored in my musical testicles *

* I don't want to see pictures of your animals *

* I don't want to see pictures of your animals *

* I hate your dog

* By and large

* I am buying large

* If you are hearing this

* We are...you

* If you are hearing this

* We are...you

That will teach you to keep your eyes open.

Yeah! Take a look at that!

Ugh! Yeah. Party never stops.

Ugh! Take a look at that.

Just have fun with life -- that's the key.

Be fun!

Be [bleep] fun!

[ Laughs ]

[ Hip-hop playing ]

Bye-bye.

Chirp.

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