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1
00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:05,040
[ Hip-hop playing ]
2
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,764
[ Mid-tempo music playing ]
3
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:31,699
* I want to live
4
00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:35,342
* I want to live on a mountain
5
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,609
* I want to live
6
00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:41,838
* Want to live on a mountain
7
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,175
* Oh, up on top, like a cop
8
00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:46,412
* Feeling wind and sun
on the rocks *
9
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:50,047
* When the eagle says,
"Hey, hey, hey!" *
10
00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:53,424
* I want to live on a mountain
11
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:56,594
* I want to live
12
00:00:56,624 --> 00:01:00,264
* Want to live on a mountain
13
00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:02,804
* Oh, like a wizard or a monk
14
00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,600
* I would lose my funk
15
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:08,772
* I would holler like an eagle
shouting, "Hey, hey, hey!" *
16
00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:12,412
* I want to live on a mountain
17
00:01:14,975 --> 00:01:16,575
Here's my meter, okay?
18
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,050
You got a nice ass.
19
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,978
But you say you hate reading.
20
00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:22,383
But your mom was on "Oprah"...
21
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,946
for something bad.
22
00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:26,224
You got an Etsy page?
23
00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,764
You make jewelry?
24
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:29,488
For men?
25
00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:31,993
So it's a pass.
26
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:36,803
-[ Screams ]
-Aah!
27
00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:37,970
Sorry about that.
28
00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:39,628
My friends threw
this football.
29
00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:42,567
Now they're way --
way out over...
30
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,813
in the chop,
out in the water.
31
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:48,178
So, you know what would make
this day even better?
32
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,309
A bunch of illegal
glass bottles.
33
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:51,614
You guys got any?
34
00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:53,345
No.
35
00:01:53,381 --> 00:01:55,681
We -- we brought cans.
36
00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,146
[ Seagull squawks ]
37
00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:59,645
All right.
38
00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:01,457
Cool.
39
00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:03,589
Passed the test.
40
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,964
[ Surf rock plays ]
41
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,297
Are you drinking tasty beer
out of a glass bottle?
42
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:18,667
Yeah.
You -- you want some?
43
00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:22,006
[ Gunshot, screaming ]
44
00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:24,782
It's okay.
I'm a narc.
45
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:25,882
[ Gunshot, thud ]
46
00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:28,253
Never ends.
47
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,516
Hey, watch this.
48
00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:35,524
Pbht!
49
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:36,816
[ Laughing ]
50
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:38,687
I love that.
Here, look at this.
51
00:02:38,726 --> 00:02:40,186
[ Farts ]
52
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:42,328
[ Laughs ]
53
00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:43,903
[ Farts ]
54
00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,332
[ Hip hop playing ]
55
00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:53,038
* You suck at sex
56
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:54,743
* You suck at sex
57
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:57,905
* You suck at sex
58
00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:03,546
WOMAN: Hey, let me tell you
my favorite types of Gump.
59
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,194
Forrest.
60
00:03:05,219 --> 00:03:06,219
River.
61
00:03:06,254 --> 00:03:07,864
City.
[ Horn honks ]
62
00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:09,588
Swamp.
63
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:10,893
Cave.
64
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:12,594
Snow.
65
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,226
Sand.
66
00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:16,232
Garbage.
67
00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:18,834
Bubba Gump Gump.
68
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,526
Troll.
69
00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:22,598
And Times Square.
70
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:25,066
Jenny!
71
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:28,075
All right, here's my meter,
okay?
72
00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:30,508
Oh, you own a restaurant?
73
00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:32,014
But it's a Wendy's.
74
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,375
Oh, you Wendy.
75
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:35,384
Oh, I'm gonna get with you,
Wendy.
76
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:36,976
I rate you high.
77
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:41,292
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
78
00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:45,731
* Don't make me laugh
79
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:48,259
* I'm trying to climax
80
00:03:48,296 --> 00:03:50,526
* Stop scratching yourself
81
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:53,134
* I'm trying to climax
82
00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:55,096
* Don't want to hear
the specials *
83
00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:57,965
* I'm trying to climax
84
00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,935
* Just clench your grip
85
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,783
* So I can climax
86
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:04,780
* Get down from there
87
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:07,282
* I'm trying to climax
88
00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:09,615
* Let's leave the hospital
89
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,950
* So I can climax
90
00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:14,245
* Wash out yourself
91
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:16,788
* So I can climax
92
00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:18,294
* Just scream "John Candy"
93
00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:19,256
John Candy!
94
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:21,433
* And we will climax
95
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:23,062
John Candy!
96
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,626
John Candy!
97
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,936
John Candy!
98
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,938
John Candy!
99
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:33,010
Oh, John Candy!
100
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,480
I just keep seeing them.
101
00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:40,912
Their skin is like
a chalky lizard's.
102
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:44,178
Their voice is usually full
of ghastly sounding mucus,
103
00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:46,187
and they're really,
really slow.
104
00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:49,489
And you can see their skeleton
under their skin.
105
00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:53,833
Is your life being ruined
by horrible monsters?
106
00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:55,531
Well, I'm here to help.
107
00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:57,503
With Monster Traps!
108
00:04:57,531 --> 00:05:00,131
I don't know what happened
to my parents.
109
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:01,497
I want to their house,
110
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:04,195
and there were to grody monsters
there instead.
111
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:07,137
My parents aren't even friends
with any monsters.
112
00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:10,844
We can't find or bring back
your loved ones,
113
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:12,708
but we can trap monsters.
114
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:15,116
Set the trap near where
you've seen the monster.
115
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:18,118
Set bait,
then once you've caught it,
116
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,821
you deliver
that terrible creature
117
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,464
to a monster repository.
118
00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:25,360
And start living
a monster-free life.
119
00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:31,468
So, it's a-one and a-two
and a-three and a-four.
120
00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:32,499
Got it?
121
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,033
Yeah, I got it.
122
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,567
It's a stab and a kill
and a rape and a laugh.
123
00:05:36,604 --> 00:05:39,514
Right, huh?
What?
124
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,710
I'm Satan, come on.
125
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:43,882
MAN: You know what?
126
00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:46,051
I always see Donald Trump
in a trench coat
127
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:49,149
with, like, two living goats
for shoes
128
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:52,892
and, like, nine rings
made out of cheese.
129
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,020
And, you know, he's got no eyes,
130
00:05:55,055 --> 00:06:00,225
and he's got them hand teeth
and them, like, ankle testicles.
131
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:02,700
And, he's, like, living
in Antarctica
132
00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:07,440
with, like, half a cyborg
procedure done.
133
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:11,038
But he's there with, like,
the cast of "Goonies."
134
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:13,871
And they're, like, working
as his butlers.
135
00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:17,407
And the first tree ever planted
has been uprooted
136
00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:21,045
and transplanted into his
bedroom to keep him company,
137
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:25,521
when, uh, you know, he, like,
wakes up in his nightmares,
138
00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:28,093
when he's, like,
missing his mommy
139
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:29,621
and when he's wondering
140
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:32,627
where all his stuffed
animals are now.
141
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,560
[ Door slams ]
142
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:38,104
* Yeah
143
00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:39,771
* Oh
144
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:44,242
* One time when I saw the TV
145
00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:46,711
* A woman get a breast implant
right on the TV *
146
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,410
* Another time I saw a little
person get married *
147
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:51,783
* And then I saw a ghost avenger
dude, it was scary *
148
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:52,952
* But yeah
149
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,280
* One time I saw on the TV
150
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:55,584
* A bunch of ninja warriors
151
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:57,276
* And, man, they be swinging
152
00:06:57,317 --> 00:06:59,647
* And then I saw a baby get sent
out into space *
153
00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:02,117
* And let me tell you that that
baby had a look on his face *
154
00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:04,785
* Though, but, yeah
155
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:07,325
I'm sick of having to have
an opinion.
156
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,800
Totally!
I'm sick of having a body.
157
00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:11,630
I know. Exactly.
158
00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:15,395
I'm so ready for Johnny Depp to
make us all into fiber optics.
159
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,295
God, that sounds perfect.
160
00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:19,267
I don't want to choose
another thing.
161
00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:21,306
I want to just be.
162
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:23,481
Ugh, I want to just be
catatonic.
163
00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:26,081
If Catatonia were a place,
I'd buy a house.
164
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,523
If I knew that death
was just laying there
165
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:31,649
and I was aware and I could just
not do anything,
166
00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:32,785
I would die right now.
167
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,990
If I was certain
death was sleeping,
168
00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:37,262
I'd die right now,
because I love dreams.
169
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,460
I hate weather.
170
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:40,493
Hate summer.
171
00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:41,658
Hate winter.
172
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:42,755
Hate having skin.
173
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,526
I just want to be eyes.
174
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:45,795
And ears.
175
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:47,903
I like gossip.
176
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,642
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
177
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:58,479
* Have you seen the girl
that's working at Ross? *
178
00:07:58,512 --> 00:08:01,952
* Oh, my God,
she's working my thoughts *
179
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:04,852
* Watch this girl give her
hair a good toss *
180
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:08,215
* Holy shit, man,
this girl up in Ross *
181
00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:14,532
* Ooh, yeah
182
00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:17,702
* Oh, man, I am her boss
183
00:08:17,731 --> 00:08:21,001
* Gotta teach this girl
the working at Ross *
184
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:24,304
* Watch this girl give
her hair a good toss *
185
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:27,507
* Holy shit, man,
this girl at the Ross *
186
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:33,975
Kid pigs!
187
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,884
Agh, we're kid pigs!
188
00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:37,176
-Kid pigs.
-Kid pigs, yeah.
189
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,547
I'm having my trotters!
190
00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:40,386
I want to eat
the farmer lady's hair
191
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:41,520
and suck her milk!
192
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:42,385
Yeah.
193
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:43,722
I'm a little [bleep]
[ Farts ]
194
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:44,857
I heard a weird story
195
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:46,592
about a hairy white king human
196
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:50,497
who lives in the clouds
and loves to watch pain.
197
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:51,230
Kid pigs!
198
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:52,874
Find the milk!
199
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:55,440
I'm gonna invest a lot of time
in my education
200
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:57,568
before I'm slaughtered.
201
00:08:57,605 --> 00:08:58,605
[ Laughing ]
202
00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,509
I wish I could have a hairdo.
203
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,910
I wonder if the stars are just
other kid pigs
204
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:05,913
waiting to turn into energy
to go into our humans
205
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:07,716
so they could eat more kid pigs.
206
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:08,918
Kid pigs!
207
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,219
[ Oinking ]
208
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:15,423
Um, so once I was up
in a club,
209
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:17,455
and I thought that I was
the baddest bitch.
210
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,690
But this bitch I guess
thought she was better.
211
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:21,357
'Cause she wanted to come
into my section,
212
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,264
which was V.I.P., by the way.
213
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:26,196
That's very important,
by the way.
214
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,573
And she came up in my section
215
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:29,371
trying to drink my cranberry
and my vodka.
216
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,072
So you know what I told
that bitch.
217
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,714
I say, "You can have a glass,
but I'm gonna get in that ass."
218
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:35,781
So after they finished
my favorite song,
219
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,149
which is "Get On the Floor"
by Squiggly Wiggly,
220
00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:41,618
we went outside, and I bust
that bitch in the face.
221
00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:44,119
And you know what?
She's cuter now.
222
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:45,391
MAN:
* One, two, three, four
223
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,948
* My roommate is God
224
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:48,557
* My roommate is God
225
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,888
* My roommate is God
[ Laughs ]
226
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:51,934
* He's always around
227
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:53,629
* I want him to go
228
00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:55,931
* My roommate is God
229
00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:57,133
* He knows what I do
230
00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:58,934
* He looks in my face
231
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:00,966
* My roommate is God
232
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,271
* He's waiting for me
233
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:03,472
* My roommate is God
234
00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:04,973
* He ate all my shit
235
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,805
* My roommate is God
236
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:11,311
MAN: Here we are
at the slam dunk contest.
237
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:12,984
And, hey, big man at the rim!
238
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:14,353
Got some hops, this guy.
239
00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:16,181
Up in the air,
big man at the rim!
240
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:18,316
Wow!
Did you see that?
241
00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:19,791
Big man at the time!
242
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,190
Legs up in the air.
Yeah.
243
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:23,662
Look at that guy.
244
00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:25,861
Big man at the rim,
right there.
245
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:28,033
Big man at the rim!
246
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:29,631
Wow!
247
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:33,003
Between the legs dribble --
oh, big man at the rim!
248
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:34,333
Yeah.
249
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:35,597
Oh, my goodness.
250
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:39,365
Shake the backboard.
Big man.
251
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:41,676
Take that!
252
00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:42,779
Take that!
253
00:10:42,810 --> 00:10:43,880
[ Cat yowls ]
254
00:10:43,911 --> 00:10:46,481
Take that!
-Ohh.
255
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,683
Take that!
[ Whirs ]
256
00:10:48,716 --> 00:10:50,616
Take that!
257
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,490
Yes!
258
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,319
[ Hip-hop playing ]
259
00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:09,695
Bye-bye.
260
00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:11,337
Chirp.
261
00:11:11,387 --> 00:11:15,937
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