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Man: In September of 1864,

a group of representatives

from the colonies of British North America

arrived on a steamship

in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island,

to discuss a ground-breaking idea.

Their goal: to unite the Maritime Union

with the then-named Province of Canada.

Unfortunately for the men,

a circus was in town at the same time,

which the public found much more interesting,

so there was no one working at the docks

and the men's ship remained at sea.

Humiliated, the only official agreement

to come from this meeting,

was that the men would meet again.

Another gathering with the same agenda

was held the next month in Quebec.

After lengthy negotiations,

the men agreed to create a single united country, Canada,

and drafted the British North America Act,

later known as Canada's Constitution.

With winter keeping any more distracting carnivals at bay,

people across the land cheered

over the creation of their new country...

which didn't officially become a country

until three years later,

on July 1st 1867, Canada Day,

when a bored Queen Victoria

accidentally noticed the constitution on an end table,

and reluctantly signed it into law.

The world's indifference toward my homeland

had officially begun.

Man: I was born a typical Canadian child.

Raised by a lumberjack,

had hockey bed sheets...

and went to school with an Inuit boy

named Roger Poontip.

Who was ironically the last guy in class

to remain a virgin.

I loved living in Canada.

Specifically beautiful Calgary, Alberta.

With the Rockies on one side,

prairies and rivers on the other,

I thought it was paradise.

I was also an adventurous child.

Like one winter when I was four,

I thought I could jump a huge rock on a hill on a toboggan.

I could not.

Or when I was in grade eight,

I wanted to make a bomb

like the ones I saw in action movies

and ended up blowing up

my junior high school long-jump pit,

and almost my chances at being allowed into Grade 9.

A teacher there, Mr. Macklemore,

told me that I'd never amount to anything,

and the next time I came back to the school

would be as its janitor.

More on him later.

10 years later, I had moved to L.A.

and landed a job as a TV sitcom writer.

I was fortunate enough to work on some great shows,

some so-so shows,

and "According To Jim".

But on every show I worked on,

I kept running into the same strange problem.

Once my fellow writers found out I was Canadian,

they'd immediately stare at me like I was a freak,

then make more lame stereotypical comments

about my homeland.

So, I hear you're from Canada. Yeah...

(Imitating Canadian accent) How's it goin', eh ?

(Chuckling) Noo doot uboot it!

(Laughing)

This annoying issue also continued wherever I travelled.

In Kenya, these guys wondered how I was so healthy,

given Canada couldn't grow vegetables

under our permanent layer of ice.

The Italian man who snapped this

worried the sun would melt me

because Canadians are all nice snow people.

Then one day I snapped.

Decades of people's lame stereotypes

or complete ignorance about my homeland

had finally pushed me over the edge.

Come on, who out there really knows anything about Canada?

Exactly.

(Epic music)

So I decided to make a movie about it.

A home movie, about my home.

I would interview a wide variety of Canadians,

some more known than others.

As well as a variety of non-Canadians

from around the world, (Cheering)

while driving from one end of Canada to the other.

This seemed to be the only way to get the answers

to the long list of questions

that have plagued me my whole life,

and show once and for all

we're more than just igloos and beer.

But, could I finally put my eternal problem to rest?

There was only one way to find out.

("Star Wars"-style music)

( ¶¶ )

("Superman" theme music)

( ¶¶ )

I'm here in the Maritimes.

Today is Saturday, June 22nd.

I'm about to begin my journey

to go from coast to coast in Canada,

and I'm going to find out what it means being Canadian,

before midnight, July 1st,

Canada Day, in Vancouver.

Hit it, D.J. Brad and the Queensland dancers!

(Folk music)

Narrator: As this charming old time welcome continued around me...

and continued some more,

I consulted my map

on how best to begin my cross-country drive.

Wow, these guys really loved dancing,

and they were starting to make me a little dizzy,

so I decided to just head west.

And I was going to do that

in one very sexy ride!

Commercial announcer: A beautiful 2012 Chrysler Town and Country mini-van!

With room for eight,

and doors wide enough

to easily handle big stickers promoting small movies,

the Town and Country is perfect

for all of your cross-Canada documentary needs!

What's up, ladies!

Retail price is 31,999.

Back to you, Rob!

Rob: (Narrating) Thanks, Helen.

So, as my journey began,

I realized I had a huge task ahead of me,

given how big Canada was,

but couldn't be starting from a more amazing place.

Nova Scotia.

(Folk guitar music)

Rob: (Narrating) Originally populated by the Mi'kmaq people,

and on Canada's east coast,

Nova Scotia is famous for its seafood,

its rugged beauty,

and the iconic lighthouse at Peggy's Cove.

Since I knew I was going to be on the road for awhile,

I thought I'd stretch my legs,

and get in some fresh salt air.

And begin finding out

what it really means to be Canadian

by confirming the issue

that got this whole movie rolling in the first place.

Rob: What is the capital of Canada?

(Laughing)

Quebec?

How about, let's guess...

Arkansas. (Drunken laughter)

Canada's... like an old lady.

Like it's quite nice to you,

it's polite,

but you don't really notice it.

I do think about Canada.

When it's really hot in Bangladesh,

I think of Canada.

Oh, Canadians are easy,

it's Bob and Doug McKenzie,

it's lots of snow,

it's plaid, it's hockey...

Rob: What do you guys think the population of Canada is?

Hm...

4,000?

(Slurring) I say the same.

That's a good estimate.

It's huge. It is.

It's giant.

Gigantic.

It's a giant piece of white chocolate

that sits on top of America.

Rob: What if I told you it was a little higher?

Really? Okay, I'd be like,

6,000. 450.

Rob: Getting warmer.

Which one? 8,000!

Rob: Bingo. (Both) Woo!

There's a real sort of macho stride to Canadians

that's sort of like "check me out",

"get out of my way", "I'll kick your ass".

I think a Canadian would be very tall,

and have broad shoulders,

and be quite hairy.

Look at your whole stance right now.

I know look at me. It's sort of like

you're going to deal with me.

Your legs are open, it's very sexually provocative.

White, very white.

Slightly red when they go out in the sun.

White. White-red.

They are white.

They have...

they...

they look very clean.

(Laughing)

Yellow, sometimes. No.

They have a lot of colours. Why yellow?

How?

Because I don't know,

when they get ill, I presume they get a little bit...

(Chuckling)

Rob: (Narrating) Pretty depressing, right?

But this is exactly the sort of stuff

we Canadians have been dealing with since...

there were Canadians.

But I wasn't the only Canuck

who has had a life-long issue with this.

So...

The world knows little about Canada.

I mean, if you go to some places in the United States,

they couldn't even tell you where it is.

I think there's a lot of...

mystery involved,

and thank God you're doing this film.

I think they think we're mysterious.

They don't know a lot about us.

Just the, kind of...

lack of any knowledge at all

about the place that you grew up.

I was a bit surprised when I was, uh,

just in the States, last month,

and I told someone I was from Canada.

And they said, "Where's that?"

We don't make headlines a lot

so they're not reading Canada every day in the paper.

They're reading about, you know, Afghanistan,

they're reading Iran, they're reading England.

If we were next to, um, you know...

Uganda...

we'd stick out a little bit more.

I swear to you, people have said,

"I love Canada, it's one of my favourite cities."

We're just understated. Right.

To the point where nobody cares.

(Laughing)

We are sort of appreciated

in the same way like Switzerland is.

Supposed to be clean

and they have a good banking system apparently.

Oh, I've just been to Toronto.

It's so clean.

(Chuckling)

I mean they ask if you know people a lot.

"Well I have a friend in Canada.

Maybe you know him."

What's scary is I actually do know the people,

like, more often than I would like to admit.

Rob: People outside of Canada,

if they had to describe Canada, like, in one word,

what do you think they would guess? Igloos!

Together: (Laughing)

I had people ask me if I lived in an igloo.

They asked if I lived in an igloo.

How do you get your news?

'Cause you don't have radio or television out there in your igloos.

Beavers. Lots of beaver.

Lots of beaver. (Chuckling)

There was a woman from Sweden

who literally asked me that if she came to Canada,

would she see polar bears walking down the street?

It was, uh, I don't know, July 10th,

and we had cousins that came up and visited

and they brought, you know...

boots and thick coats.

And we thought, "Really?

You couldn't even have tracked that information down, huh?"

People think Canada is a frozen tundra

12 months a year.

Do you have trees up there?

Do you ever see the sun?

Those kind of questions I go,

"F.O. and read a book, please."

(Laughing) I do get defensive.

Rob: (Narrating) See?

I'm not alone in my frustration.

And what's the deal with the igloo obsession?

And just like igloos,

it was getting cold out there on the rocks,

and I still had a lot of ground to cover.

( ¶¶ )

With the country ahead of me,

I'll admit I was more excited about my trip

than I thought I'd be.

And I will also admit

I was excited the mini van had a heater.

My blood had thinned living in the U.S.

But in the spirit of honesty,

before I got too far,

I needed to cop to something else.

I have never been to the Maritimes,

before doing this movie.

Man: Really?

Nope. Never.

I've been stupid for not exploring my own country,

up until this point.

Because I've been all around the world,

I just have not been all around Canada,

which I am a little embarrassed about.

Rob: (Narrating) I felt a bit weird saying this,

given how defensive I'd always been about my home.

But I was going to see Canada now,

and get the answer to my quest.

Whenever I'm outside of Canada,

people usually think I'm American.

Then they have their minds blown

when they learn I am Canadian.

Everyone reacts the same way they would

when their teachers spring a pop quiz on them.

Surprised, unprepared,

and then wanting to be excused

because they feel queasy in the pants.

Those reactions really hurt our feelings.

We're not trying to trick anybody,

but I want to know...

Being Canadian is definitely

something I enjoy.

(Laughing)

Just because most people don't really understand

what a Canadian is,

but they know we're different, somehow.

No matter how many times I said it,

and said it in print

or said it on the Tonight Show,

everybody I met, and I would say

"Well you know I'm a Canadian",

they go, "Really? You're a Canadian?"

People were surprised when I told them I was Canadian.

Like you said, they seemed kind of betrayed by it.

Suddenly I'll say one word, Yeah.

Yeah they'll pick out and they'll just go,

"You're Canadian! "

Like I've been hiding it from them.

I was the social content of America for nine years.

Rob: Right. And I think that the fact that I was Canadian

was maybe just too confusing for people. Right.

You know, it probably goes back to the McCarthy thing,

they look like us,

they talk like us, they move like us,

but they're other.

Because, it means we walk amongst them.

Rob: This club of Canadians that all, sort of,

walk around, knowing, like...

Winking at each other.

They almost look like Americans,

but they almost look like Russian spies

dressed up as Americans, you know? Rob: Right.

We look like Americans,

sometimes we can change our "abouts" and our "a-bahts",

and we can talk like Americans.

We can wear the same clothes as Americans,

(Whispering) but you don't know we're there.

(Eerie music)

Rob: (Narrating) It's weird, right?

We're not so spooky.

We're really pretty harmless,

unless you try to take our donuts.

Speaking of which, after buying a few dozen for the crew,

I drove west,

towards the capital of Nova Scotia, Halifax.

(Bagpipe music)

Rob: (Narrating) Halifax is a historic Canadian city.

It's also rich in important world history,

as a critical staging ground for both the Revolutionary War,

the American Civil War,

and World War II.

(Blast) Man: Woo!

(Church bell tolling)

Growing up, Canadian kids study all of this in school,

as well as learning the history of the rest of the world.

But in my experience outside of Canada,

the rest of the world didn't seem to return the favour.

So as I walked around town, I got to thinking...

¶ Let's talk about Canada ¶

¶ Canada ¶

¶ It's the greatest country in the world ¶

Rob: If you had to explain Canada's history

to someone in two sentences,

what would it be?

Unknown.

I didn't know there was Canadian history.

I did not... I did not know that.

When I was a kid, like, history books in Canada

were published in the United States.

Right.

There were no history books made in Canada.

And so we studied American history. Mm-hm.

Until Pierre Trudeau became prime minister

and said, "We should study Canadian history."

My name is Al

and I'm from outside of Boston, Massachusetts.

I'm Maddie and I'm from Dallas, Texas.

When you were in school, in Boston,

how much Canadian history did you learn?

I don't think we've ever done anything

on Canada.

I don't think I learned about

anything about Canada, really.

K through 12, we spent on Canadian history,

could have been less than 2 or 3 minutes.

It's the first country ever

to have an unarmed evolution into existence.

Yes, yes. We didn't have the balls to have a civil war.

The United States, like France, had a serious revolution

and killed a lot of people,

which is very appealing to young people.

We're not a country that's fought to...

tell our own story in our own way.

It just seemed like it was like a business deal

made over lunch, you know?

I don't think it's a boring history,

I think we don't know enough about it.

Laura Secord, you know, was very heroic

and did all sorts of, you know,

mindboggling things.

Laura Secord is the founding mother of Canada.

She made all of the chocolates that I ate growing up.

And a lot of people had, like, a picture

of David Cassidy over their bed,

but I had the Laura Secord chocolate chart.

It is a vibrant history,

it is an incredibly bizarre history.

And it's not presented or taught that way.

I think that's also a part of why we're so insecure,

we don't believe we're fancy.

Canadian History,

it's like watching a field of forests die slowly

tree by tree.

The key to Canadian history, in reverse,

is Walt Disney.

If we had Walt Disney,

we would have had Davey Crocket, you know.

Who do we have instead?

Uh, and instead, we had Alex Trebek.

(Laughing)

Okay.

Rob: (Narrating) But I swear,

Canada does have some exciting things in our past.

Like...

(Upbeat music)

Louis Riel, one of our fathers of Confederation,

who was executed for treason.

Or Sir John A. MacDonald.

Our first Prime Minister,

who served six terms,

but was a major drinker,

and became famous for publicly acting like an idiot.

A tradition that still lives on today.

But there is one thing

Canada has contributed to history

that I'm positive the world knows about.

Canada, we built that arm

that sticks out on top of the space shuttle.

Rob: Why are we so proud of it?

Because it says Canada right on it.

Rob: (Narrating) Ah, yes, the Canadarm.

It was a huge source of pride for us,

and you didn't need a rocket scientist to explain that,

did you?

But in case you do,

we also have one of those!

The purpose of the robotic arm is,

is to move equipment such as this

around within the bay during the flight mission.

Oh, you built the arm on the space shuttle?

Right. The Canada arm.

Right.

Not the actual shuttle though,

just the arm? Right.

I think that the Americans

made the huge turkey dinner

and we brought the little Jell-O

with marshmallows in it.

Sure. Yeah.

Rob: (Narrating) And I hate to bring this up,

but we do always have this bad boy in our back pocket.

We burned down the White House and it felt good.

(Music: "Oh Canada")

You know in the war of 1812,

all of the politicians in Washington

have left D.C.

because they think the battle is going to take place

in some place in Virginia,

so Washington is basically empty.

Canadians sailed down the Potomac.

Before they burn down the White House though,

they sit down and they have the banquet

that was prepared for the President

because they thought they were going to win the battle.

And at the end of the banquet,

the British General turns to the chef,

the White House chef and says,

"Tell the President the food was excellent,

but the service left something to be desired."

( ¶¶ )

Rob: (Narrating) You've got to admit, that story is pretty bad-ass.

But if you tell it to an American,

they'll think you're crazy.

But it's true,

and something I would have to savour in the car

because I had a lot more Canada to go.

Plus the weird guy working the cannon at the fort

kept asking me if I wanted to see his band play that night.

I did not.

So it was goodbye Nova Scotia and hello New Brunswick.

(Marching drum)

(Folk music)

New Brunswick was another province

I had never been to before,

and it was stunning.

Huge forests,

sparsely populated,

and home to the Picaroons Brewery,

where we stopped off for some quick Canadian refreshments.

(Bottles clinking)

Rob: (Narrating) This pit stop was perfect,

and delicious.

From what I can remember.

Thankfully my producer took over driving duties for a bit

while I "admired the scenery".

(Loons calling)

Rob: (Narrating) As the Millennium Mini-van Falcon pressed on,

I was a bit nervous

about exploring the next question on my list.

Why? Because growing up,

this was the one thing that every generation of Canadians

would discuss endlessly.

And honestly, I always found it a bit... unsettling.

Americans didn't do it.

Brits don't.

The Chinese don't do this,

but if you have ever been in a room with a Canuck,

or even worse, a bargain rental vehicle with a bunch,

this is bound to come up.

I myself was guilty of it.

So I decided to once and for all learn...

That's a good point.

I think that's true.

'Cause I'm always saying that,

"Oh that guy's Canadian."

The more you find out who is Canadian

the more you're like "Yessss!" "Score!"

Like Leslie Nielsen, Yessss!

To them he's an American icon, to us he's one of ours.

Lorne Michaels.

Biggest name in television right now, you know?

Pretty much controls all of NBC.

He's from Toronto.

Mary Pickford, you know, America's sweetheart.

She was Canadian.

Max Senate, he was Canadian.

You like Loverboy? Yeah, that's us.

Fay Ray is from Canada.

Uh, Louis B. Mayer, Canadian.

The Warner Brothers, Canadian.

The list, all of them know the list

of who did what in Canada.

I think Canadians, you know,

like to kind of pipe up and say,

you know really, look who came from our community.

Rob: Right.

And, uh, it comes from our insecurity,

and our low self-esteem.

We want to make sure Americans know that, like,

"Oh we, we've had impact on this culture also."

Takes us to go, "No no no, that person you like?

"Yes, he's Canadian as well.

She's Canadian. They are Canadian".

I mean, it's the same reason

that Jews want to point out who's Jewish.

And I'm Jewish and Canadian

and so I'm doing it all the time.

(Wheezing)

The word in Yiddish is nachas.

They have a tremendous amount of nachas,

pride in anyone who is Canadian who succeeds

anywhere in the rest of the world.

Like, an American will come up to me and say, um, you know,

"I love 'Family Ties'" or "I love 'Back to the Future'" or whatever.

Um, a Canadian will always come up and say, "We're Canadian".

"Hey we're from Canada." And I was, "Where are you from?"

You know, "I'm from Esterhazy, I'm from...

Winnipeg," you know,

and it's like, "Oh yeah, I'm from Burnaby,

we have so much in common."

Your excitement upon meeting them

doubles because they're Canadian.

Good to see you.

Rob: Good to see you, brother.

Canadian? Yes. Me too.

It's that connection.

Again, it's that thing where we seek each other out.

I don't know why it is important, but it is.

Rob: (Narrating) And as a little nerd,

no one embodied my participation in this phenomenon better

than when I told anyone who would listen

that Captain James T. Kirk was Canadian.

("Star Trek"-style eerie SFX)

Why does that have to wreck it for them?

'Cause they want the best people on their team.

He's one of our national treasures,

and ironically he comes from Canada.

He's also the epitome

of how America foists itself

into the world.

The prime directive of the Federation was,

you cannot influence the culture of a planet.

And every episode ended with Kirk

running into the chambers of the President,

going, "Your god is a lie! Give us your Zenite!"

I think it says more about you

than it does about Captain Kirk.

Well, what are you perceiving?

What is your...?

Well there's a need to say, you know,

Captain Kirk is Canadian,

and I'm Canadian.

You're trying to elevate yourself a little bit.

Rob: Right. Yeah.

What other problems do you notice about me?

I'd love to document that.

Well physical appearance but I would just,

that's another issue, and I think, you know,

we can talk about the whole clothing thing

after the... after the interview.

Rob: (Narrating) But why don't we get the final word

on my childhood obsession

from the man himself?

Rob: If Captain Kirk was Canadian

and wanted everybody off the ship,

how would he say it in the Canadian...?

(With Canadian accent) "Get out!

Get out!

You...

Labrator!"

(Chuckling) My, what idiots!

Rob: (Narrating) You know what?

It doesn't matter what that guy says,

I am always going to think he is the coolest.

As for my trip, I was only two days in,

and it was dawning on me

that some of the silly Canadian stereotypes

may have some merit.

However, as we stopped for gas in Fredericton,

this happened.

A woman saw the sign on our van,

and when she learned we were driving across the country,

trying to find out what it means to be Canadian,

she insisted she wanted to contribute.

Contribution to your drive.

I appreciate it.

Rob: (Narrating) She was so sweet.

She and her husband even bought us snacks for the road.

See you later.

Rob: (Narrating) That's her husband,

but he couldn't go on camera because he was listening

to a hockey game on the car radio. Of course.

I mean, she was so sweet.

Everybody there was so unbelievably nice.

Colin: They were so nice.

Rob: (Narrating) And they fortunately, or unfortunately,

brought up another question

I have been asked my whole life.

The Canadian superhero I would call,

possibly, "Manners-Man".

He's very well kempt,

he's very polite, he'll fly up to a window,

but then tap on the window

before breaking through it.

He always has a sweater. (Chuckling)

Politeness is one thing that extends to all of Canada.

Um, everybody knows us for apologizing for things,

and yeah it's a stereotype,

but it's a true stereotype.

If I knock into the couch,

I say sorry to the couch.

If I hit the wrong key,

on my keyboard, I'll say, "Oops, sorry".

I was on vacation recently,

and I bumped into a tree and I apologized to that tree.

Twice I was rear-ended and I apologized,

and they drove off.

We went to the Hudson Bay and we were in an elevator

and all I did was just move my shoulder a little bit

and someone said "sorry" and then I turned around this way,

and another person on my left said "sorry".

And my daughters were, like, they were amazed.

So I would, when we would go in elevators,

I said, "this elevator ride is going to be

a 3-sorry elevator ride or a 2-sorry elevator ride".

Quick story. Sure. I'm in Vancouver.

There's a building on fire. "Let's go check that out".

We pull over, about 60 people have already gathered.

Cop walks up to the fireman and says,

"Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Well, you can move all those people back to the street."

I thought, "Good luck". And he said, "All right, folks,

I'm just going to need y'all to move back to the street."

And everybody just went...

I'm always impressed when somebody walks in and goes,

"I want a steak and I want this and I want this".

I'm like, "That guy is such a badass".

(Laughing)

Rob: (Narrating) And upon further reflection,

this is one stereotypical Canadian trait

that has had positive effects.

When I came to the United States

I was well received

and everywhere I went, people said,

"Oh you're Canadian, you're automatically a nice person".

When I'm in other parts of the world,

when people find out that I'm... Canadian,

they almost seem relieved, actually. Mm-hm.

Yeah, no, it's true, when you're abroad,

that for sure happens.

"Oh! Oh, thank God."

It's like, you know, like in Turkey,

they go, you know, "American?"

And I go, "No, Canadian."

They go, "Ahh. Sorry. Sorry!"

Like, I remember the first place I travelled when I was young,

obviously it was Amsterdam, when I was 18.

When I showed up at my first café,

people literally were not that cool to me.

And then, then they started noticing this little Canadian flag on my T-shirt,

everyone was like, "Oh, oh right over here, oh you want a drink?

Sit down, where you from? Let's talk!"

And it was a little bizarre.

We're crippled with niceness and that's a problem because,

uh, the rest of the world views us as a,

you know, a wussy country.

I'm confused by why and how it came to be

that we are slaves to our courtesy.

Well, I think it's a little nutty, if you ask me.

We have an existential crisis

of "I don't even deserve to exist".

Rob: (Narrating) Alanis was right.

I know I'd spent my entire life apologizing just to be safe.

Even when people said dumb stuff about Canada.

But are we too nice for our own good?

I wanted to find out where our famous Canadian politeness came from,

once and for all, by taking a detour off my route,

and speaking to an expert in the field.

(Baroque music)

Hey. Hello. Rob?

Yes. Linda Allen.

Thank you so much. How are you?

I'm great. Welcome back to Canada.

Thank you.

Linda: My name is Linda Allen.

My company goes by the name of Linda Allen

and I'm an etiquette expert.

And do you think that it's an amazing coincidence

that your company is named after you?

Uh, no, no, not at all.

I purposely set out to put my name to my company.

Smart.

As we discussed before, we're sort of known

correct or incorrect,

for being unbelievably polite.

Yeah, and we're not sort of known,

we're well known for being unbelievably polite,

you're right. So expand on that.

Like, why do you think that is?

Well, I think it goes back, in some sense,

to our Parliamentarian system,

I mean our, you know,

we hail from British rule,

and differences, they're polite,

everybody thinks of them as just...

amazingly well-mannered.

So if that camera were, let's say,

the guy at a front desk at a hotel in Spain

and he had done you wrong, how would you admonish him?

Well I'd still go up to the counter and I'd say,

"Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude

but I wanted to let you know that my bill is incorrect

and I'm wondering if you could... take a look at this

and just see if I'm right".

So that's, yeah... And then if I was...

It's not very aggressive is it?

But then if I was him

and I said in my non-existent Spanish accent,

"No I think, uh, you did order 300 pornos

and all these muffins so you got to pay."

Gosh, I wish I could hit you back

with something to say that I...

Well bring it, unleash the Canadian fury.

But I think we would just roll our eyes,

shrug our shoulders.

We're so afraid to,

um, to put someone else down

or something else down because in our culture,

that says more about us

than the rudeness that was emitted from someone else.

Canada was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

and instead of poltergeists, (Laughing)

we have apologies that are haunting us, and we just...

we're not going to do anything about it. Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Oh thank you, it was a pleasure.

Rob: (Narrating) Wow.

We may be sicker than I thought.

Even when confronted with something we didn't do,

our instinct is to beg forgiveness.

I wanted to process this,

but had to get back on the road

if I was going to make my Canada Day deadline.

But first,

there was some official business to attend to.

(Muzak)

Oh, excuse us. Sorry, everyone.

Sorry I'm alive, I'm sorry I made it,

I'm sorry I'm a success.

Surry? Ooh, sorry.

Sorry, I didn't do that right the first time.

Rob: No, there's no wrong.

You don't need to apologize for apologizing.

Oh, sorry! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Sorreehh...

I'm sorry.

Oh my god, sorry.

I'm sorry I exist.

Oh sorry, sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. Sorry.

(Chuckling) Sorry.

Sorry. Je m'excuse.

I'm sorry these people

have to listen to us saying sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but thank you very, very much for watching.

I'm Ann Luu, CTV news, Vancouver,

and I'm sorry.

(Singing) ¶ I've neve-e-e-r... ¶

( ¶¶ )

¶ been so sorry-y-y ¶

(Dissonant music)

(Turns off organ)

Sorry.

Rob: (Narrating) I think we just earned our Canadian tax credits.

And maybe it's not so bad being nice.

But, we shouldn't get too cocky.

Because my whole life,

I had always felt that our politeness

actually may be covering up something

a bit more sinister?

Oh yeah.

Somebody who's very close to me said Canadians

are the most passive- aggressive people they've ever met.

Like, I met some people in Canada

who seemed to have issues. You know what I mean?

Like, resentments,

and didn't let it out, they didn't say anything.

But, like, behind their eyes,

kind of like the look you're giving me right now.

Like, "Great answer.

I love the answer".

Rob: But I actually hate the answer,

but I'm too polite to say it.

Exactly, you hate the answer. Right.

See, this is a perfect example of the Canadian problem.

It's the home of the backhanded compliment.

"Hey, uh, you know, you're that guy from that show,"

and you're like, "Yeah, yeah," and they'll say,

"Yeah, I saw that prison movie you did though.

Man, that was bad, huh?"

Well, we're nice as long as you're nice,

and as soon as you become a dick,

we're gonna become extra big dicks.

That's true.

Extra big dicks.

People think of Canadians as kind of peaceful people

and all that stuff

and not being in a big hurry to get into wars

and not having handguns.

But you know, our national past-time is this game

where we, like, just pummel each other.

Rogen: When my friends come from Canada,

they're not, like, the mellow ones

at the premiere party that I've brought them to.

They're the ones everyone's looking at, like,

"Who the fuck are these guys?"

"How did they get in here?"

"Why are they screaming" and, you know,

"drinking 10 times more than everyone else at this party?"

When we get a little bit crazy,

like, we riot over a hockey game

or one of our mayors is accused of smoking crack cocaine,

I think to the rest of the world,

they kind of go, "Oh yeah, Canada,

I forgot about them."

And it almost gives us a little bit of street cred.

Rob: (Narrating) Between you and me,

I think this trip is going pretty well so far.

My attempt to uncover the mysteries of the Canadian psyche

has been very interesting,

but a bit scary.

Coincidentally, the same two thoughts

that went through my mind

when Theresa Barnett forced my hand up her blouse

at our grade seven dance.

But more on my junior high school days later.

Right now, to stay on schedule,

I needed to hit my next stop before dark.

So as the sun began to set on Day 2,

I zoomed on into...

(With French accent) Québec.

(Accordion music)

Quebec is a very significant province within our nation,

and to my personal history.

It acts as the gateway from the Maritimes

into Anglo-Canada,

and my mother was born there, in Montreal.

And going back to our supposedly boring history,

in the 1960s, Quebec was also the home

of our own version of a terrorist group,

the Front de Libération du Québec.

Who fought and killed for an independent,

French-speaking "workers" society.

The other thing I remember growing up

was a lot of Quebecois, my fellow Canadians,

kept voting on wanting to separate from Canada.

Every few years, they would hold a referendum,

and I would watch my parents sit nervously by the TV,

hoping our country would stay together.

Good evening, the polls have just closed...

Rob: (Narrating) Our Anglo-French combo

always seemed very volatile to me,

so I thought this was the perfect opportunity to explore.

We have two official languages

that don't even like each other, that don't even...

Okay, don't try to glom onto our two official languages.

Does anybody speak French in Calgary? Have you ever heard it?

It has one positive effect,

which it kind of, uh,

maintains a high degree of tension.

The only time I ever have tension towards people in Quebec

is referendum time

because of the idea of splitting Canada up

makes me mad to the point where...

We're suddenly realizing,

"Oh my god, we could blow a hole in this country,"

where you almost want to say to them,

"You guys are nuts, like, please stay".

Yeah.

I was never in the sort of French-English problem.

I did have one of my favourite lines came out of that,

which was, "My father never lived

to fulfil his dream of an all Yiddish- speaking Canada".

(Speaking French)

When we start reading about what happened to the French,

and how they couldn't even speak in their own language,

working for the Hudson's Bay and stuff like that,

being fired all that,

you got to throw all that stuff in.

(Continues in French)

(Speaking in French)

It's just another one of those incredible,

sort of unique, really unique things about Canada.

It's not this...

it isn't the dull...

asexual country

that I laughingly labelled it early on.

Rob: (Narrating) But where exactly

did all of our longtime English-French conflict

get started? I wanted to see for myself,

and headed to what I was told was the actual spot.

This is where it all happened.

Much like the two girls off to my left

who are fighting for the attention of boys,

this is where the British and the French

had their epic battle basically for Canada.

The Generals Montcalm and Wolfe

leading the French and British army

fought it out like maniacs

to see who would get the future of Canada.

The battle lasted fifteen minutes,

both generals were killed,

and nothing was resolved.

So, uh, a classic Canadian resolution.

The English held their ground longer

and Canada became an Anglo nation,

and the French stayed here in Quebec,

in their little stronghold,

and I think this is what started the French-English issue

and the separatist movement.

(Speaking in French)

The gap between separating and referendum

is actually getting bigger now.

People do not want to separate as much as they did.

The gap before in '95 was 1% if I'm mistaken,

now it's even getting bigger and bigger.

So the chance of them actually separating,

to be honest with you, aren't very likely.

Rob: (Narrating) This was a huge relief to hear,

and I was loving my time in Quebec.

Which was strange to say because growing up,

my only lengthy exposure to Canada's French side

was on the side of my cereal boxes in the morning.

But this trip confirmed Quebec was awesome.

My French-Canadian peeps were very cool,

and basically just like me,

but with a higher tolerance for accordion music

and underage smoking.

I was beginning to think

all the ignorant comments some of my Alberta relatives made

about French Canadians being rude, was completely unearned.

(Speaking in French)

Rob: (Narrating) This shows what happens when you generalize.

But those cereal boxes I mentioned

lead me to another question on my list: food.

Not for me, because I had just treated the crew

to some killer poutine.

Delicious, but it literally almost killed us.

And made me wonder,

if you name almost any country in the world,

you can list their iconic dishes.

But I never know what to say

when non-Canadians ask me...

In my town, I believe we had a Chinese restaurant

and there was a symbol on the front sign

of a Chinese man in a coolie hat

shaking hands with a Mountie.

And it said, "Chinese and Canadian cuisine".

(Laughter)

What do you think a typical Canadian meal is?

If I was to make you a typical Canadian dinner, Oh, jeez.

what would it consist of?

Um, beer.

Some beer.

Probably some good old Canadian beer.

Donuts and beer.

Maple syrup, pancakes?

Canadian bacon.

Bacon and beer, hm.

Canadian bacon and maple syrup. Seafood?

Rob: What about beer and beer?

Beer and beer? Yeah.

Sure, different kind of beer, and another kind of beer.

It's a very subtle flavour.

If America is hamburgers and steak

and if Mexico was salsa, Canada is celery.

We're from Canada,

where mayonnaise was considered a spice.

My Canadian food is salmon.

We'll take it fried, barbequed, dried.

To me, Canadian food is like sushi,

like, 'cause I'm from Vancouver and there's sushi everywhere.

French fries with white vinegar and ketchup and salt.

Nom nom!

Spaghetti and moose balls.

Is that a family recipe?

I don't know, it would go right with my beaver tartar.

I'll have a double portion of beaver please, I'm from Canada.

"Excuse me?"

The exhibition, years ago

they had foods of the world that was a booth

and they had, you know,

empañadas and burritos

from Mexico... Burrito!

and all these different places,

and like crepes from France,

and Canada had snow cones and hot dogs.

(Laughter)

That was the designated...

My husband and I would have dinner parties.

And I would always say,

"Tonight we're serving Canadian food,

"we're eating Italian.

"Tonight we're serving Canadian food,

we're eating Chinese."

All immigrants who actually make that country

so it's a mixture of a lot of,

uh, you know,

some good and some bad, obviously.

Rob: (Narrating) This kind of national wishy-washiness

was only raising the volume on the small voice of doubt

beginning inside me about proving Canada is not a joke.

Between our vast and varied native and immigrant population,

how the F do we not have one famous national dish?

So again, I went to an expert.

Hey, Rob, pleased to meet you. How's it going?

Wonderful. Thank you so much for taking the time.

My pleasure. I appreciate it.

I look forward to it.

Come on back to my office. Excellent.

What is Canadian food?

Is there a Canadian cuisine?

The chefs, Canadian chefs, just met recently

for the first congress of what is Canadian food,

and what it was, was completely multicultural,

and let's explore and be open to everything.

And that's what their forgone conclusion was,

is who knows what mystery will come

but there's going to be something local

from each little area.

But isn't that sort of,

one of the classic Canadian moves

is we don't want to offend any type of food

so we're being polite and saying,

"You're all Canadian food". (Indistinct)

"Of course green beans you're Canadian food,"

"Yes, apples, come on in."

We're this giant country

with all these great ingredients available

but we never seem to have decided on

what Canadian food is. What's ours...

Like, if I go around the world and say,

"Tell me a typical Canadian meal,"

it would be this. Basically, right?

Mmm-hm, that's what they remember.

Well, the maple syrup, people love

and lets face it, maple syrup is delicious. Right.

Absolutely delicious and it's hard to get in a lot of places.

So is this, this is basically Canadian cuisine?

Right.

Um, well, I really, really appreciate your time

and your knowledge.

Cheers.

(Piano music)

I am always going to be curious about a country

that considers it to be an appropriate wintertime activity

to take maple syrup,

pour it on snow,

watch it freeze,

break it,

sell it and eat it.

Rob: If I was to put a glass

of pure maple syrup in front of you

would you guys drink it?

(Mixed affirmative comments) No...

I'm a true Canadian, I'll do it.

I had some maple syrup this morning,

it was delightful.

Rob: Just straight maple syrup?

Straight maple syrup.

I drink it from the bottle.

Rob: (Narrating) This was very interesting,

if you find a crushing lack of clarity interesting.

It seemed like Canada claimed a ton of foods as our own,

but maple syrup kept popping up.

Even on our money.

But I perked up when I heard that maple syrup

is also responsible for an exciting recent development

in our previously-assumed boring history.

Can I get some important music for this part, please?

You know about the maple syrup heist?

What was the maple syrup heist?

Recently these guys stole...

I did hear something about this. Yeah.

They stole like $80,000 worth of maple syrup.

Yeah.

Rob: (Narrating) It was actually 18 million dollars,

and is our Kennedy assassination conspiracy,

but this was an enigma wrapped in a riddle

wrapped in something that dribbles out of a tree.

And it happened at a super-secret location

deep in the Quebec countryside.

The United States has Fort Knox.

London has the World gold reserve.

We have a maple syrup reserve.

In case there's a worldwide shortage,

Canada stockpiles five years of emergency syrup.

And just like those other facilities,

ours also has multiple layers of deadly, high-tech security.

(Clapping hands)

(Hinges creaking)

Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Man: (Speaking in French)

It's like "Raiders of the Lost Ark",

with maple syrup.

(In French)

Rob: Most people think of Canada, they think of maple syrup.

Why do you think maple syrup is so Canadian?

(In French)

One of the darkest days in Canadian history,

there was a big theft

of millions of dollars worth of maple syrup. Yeah, yeah.

So, can you explain what happened?

(Eerie music)

(Speaking in French)

(Continues in French)

(Speaking French)

Rob: (Narrating) That may be the craziest story I've heard

since the doctor found a vagina on my baby x-rays.

But I still had more stereotypes to smash

and got back on the road,

with only six days left until Canada Day.

( ¶¶ )

But in typical Canadian fashion,

moments after I crossed the provincial border

the weather took a nasty turn.

I'd grown up with this climate,

so it wasn't going to stop my quest.

And it was certainly not going to stop hearty locals

from going about their daily routines.

Like nice strolls through the park,

people headed to work,

folks visiting the local gallery,

or shopping at the local supermarket.

Vive le Canada! Vive le Canada! Ouais!

Rob: Ontario is home to our nation's capital,

and was the perfect place for me

to dust off my old winter skills...

( ¶¶ )

(Mixed grunting, shouting)

Are you all right? Child: (Crying)

I'm so sorry.

Rob: ...and get into my next question.

I marvel in the wintertime

at how the pioneers could possibly have done it.

Didn't anybody tell them that they could just turn left

and be in the sunshine?

Just a couple more days by wagon or canoe

and you're in Phoenix.

You know, we'd like to be, you know, culturally sensitive,

but you got to wonder,

what the fuck were they thinking?

They come across the land bridge

and there's just ice and snow

and nothing much to eat except seals.

And they go, "This is a nice place.

"I know we were just in Africa,

but this seems nice." Right. I'm tired.

Bubbles: Guys came over,

suffered through some harsh winters,

got fucking scurvy, dirty scurvy...

I've had scurvy.

People came out to the prairies,

they got these land grants.

"Hoo-ha! Here we are, we're coming from oppression,

"and there they are. Yeah, there's land, honey,

but there ain't anything else."

And they built these sod huts.

And the women were... went crazy out of isolation.

Canada was a country created by a lot of very lonely people

you know, clinging, you know, very precariously

to their sanity.

(Laughing) Like, they're a people

who just fucking gave up too soon. Right.

Environment Canada has issued severe weather warnings.

Newcaster: In Toronto, a sheet of ice coated the city last night.

Entire streets were turned into ice rinks.

I was walking maybe an eighth of a mile

and it was 60 below, 24-hour darkness,

and I was going to a friend's place.

It was like the coldest winter since 1928.

I walked out the door and I puked the whole way.

You know that you're moving forward,

but you're paralyzed,

but you're like, "My body is still doing this stuff,

but like, I don't know how it's doing this."

I've been stranded many times

in the middle of nowhere, Right.

no cell phone 'cause it's frozen,

freezing my butt off, thinking I was going to die,

and it's happened more than at least three or four times.

Wow.

I must admit, I did get nostalgic

hearing all these comments.

However, I felt something alarming inside.

Not gas from the poutine.

It was a bubble of concern

that I was three days into my trip

and defining what it means being Canadian,

was a bigger job than I first suspected.

But if there was anyone in my homeland

who could give me a little help,

it was the guy who runs the place.

So I swung by the Prime Minister's house,

and was told by his strangely upbeat security detail

that the PM was out buying snow tires.

I asked the guards how they remain so positive

standing in the bitter cold,

and they said everyone deals with the weather

in their own unique way.

Which was perfect because it led me perfectly

to my next question.

When you're stuck inside

six months out of the year, eh,

you just kind of go a little crazy.

The cold will do things to your head.

You will start to have weird thoughts,

and it depends on how you harness those thoughts.

And I think a lot of comics

are people that were very bored in the winter,

who took those thoughts and went on stage with them.

It's so fucking cold there

that I think that you do have to think of something.

On your way home with your tears that are frozen onto your face

and there's a dead animal that's strapped around you

and you're only six... I think that at some point you go,

"God, there's got to be something better than this!

"Ooh, I just thought of something funny.

That'll cheer me up for a minute."

They say heat kills comedy, right?

And then, and uh...

There's no heat in Canada.

There's no heat in Canada...

Letterman studios are notoriously freezing cold,

Well, that's just because he's trying to emulate Canada.

Rob: Right.

It's hard to be serious with a toque.

Can I get a toque?

I'm serious here.

Even saying that, you know? Don't...

Don't, don't look at me like that.

Don't... hey...

hey, don't...

don't look at me like that,

I am serious here.

In Norway and in Sweden,

they have the same brutal winters we have

and they come up with death metal.

And in Canada, we come up with comedy.

Please. Please. Don't...

This is not funny. This is not funny.

I am being serious.

Rob: Yes, comedy.

It goes without question that Canada is home

to some of the greatest comedic minds of our time.

"SCTV", "Wayne and Shuster",

Jim Carrey, "Kids in the Hall",

Lorne Michaels, Mike Myers,

Seth Rogen.

I can safely say that, per capita,

Canada is the largest supplier of comedy

that has ever lived. And looking back,

I realize how my place of birth

may also be responsible for my chosen career.

So I drove into Toronto,

the mecca of Canadian comedy.

It's where I went to my very first comedy club,

and may also hold the answer to another question

people are eternally asking.

I think the average kid grew up

with a mix of the British and a mix of the...

of the U.S. to make an all-rounded view of comedy

and one which stressed satire, political and social,

and an observant kind of view of the rest of the world.

You know that's the thing, we had access to all this stuff.

And I also think the British thing was a big piece of it.

Clever guys like Wayne and Shuster, on Canadian radio,

created a kind of national sense of humour,

or contributed anyway.

There's a definite preference

for low-status sort of characters.

I always think of John Candy

or some of Dan Ackroyd's characters,

or these big, broad, misbehaving sort of characters,

but they're also likeable, so that's partly Canadian.

We're pleasant individuals,

so most of our humour is... non-threatening.

It's funny without being nasty.

Damn, that's good tag line right there.

It's not humour at the cost of other people,

it's humour at the cost of yourself.

Rob: Right.

Which is the core of self-deprecation,

which is my favourite.

Canadians have a much better sense of humour

about themselves than Americans,

hands down.

I've gone to comedy clubs where people are talking...

you know, Canadian themed comedy clubs,

where everybody is talking about how lame we are,

you know, and how lame our army is

and how lame our national symbols are

and that sort of thing. And it's like, "Wow ."

You really walk out of there going, "Wow, we suck."

Every Canadian kind of has an underdog status.

I think that kind of gives us our funny edge too,

'cause we're always looking to see...

You know, we're the underdog and we're fighting back,

and we want to, you know, make fun of the big guy.

It's something that we get to comment on

because we're not in it.

We're... you know, we're the... outsider.

From a comedian's point of view,

if you have a touch of outsider in you, it's going to help.

That's why Jewish comedians,

Black comedians, Hispanic comedians,

they have an advantage. They're a minority,

they're looking at the country differently;

there's not total acceptance.

If you think about school yards,

you're either the handsome one,

the tough one,

or the funny one who's trying to be funny to stay alive.

We are this group of people

who have been suffering under the shadow

of this enormous belligerent, obnoxious neighbour.

And how do we get back at them?

You know every culture reacts to another dominant culture

by sending the signal back,

and so the Canadians were absorbing American television,

American politics, and so they send it back.

It's like a Canadian sponge

that sops up all the American paint,

and then throws it back in our face

and says, "Happy new year."

We have struck back at this monstrous neighbor of ours

through this kind of covert hostility: humour.

Rob: As I continued my mission west

into Manitoba, Saskatchewan

and the Great Canadian Prairies,

it suddenly dawned on me:

I use that exact same feeling of being an outsider

as a comedy writer.

Maybe that was the whole point.

Being misunderstood the world over

fueled a kind of secret Canadian super power.

And Canada's comedic greatness

isn't just limited to TV and movies.

Our special sense of humor

is also woven into the fabric of our favorite sports.

Don't look so confused,

because I now present exhibit A:

curling.

Man: I very frankly wish

we hadn't made curling so popular,

because if you're Canada

and you're looking for a little bit more elbow room

on the world stage,

curling is not the best representation.

For anyone actually.

Rob: Curling almost embodies Canada perfectly

because it is cold, and polite, and boring.

Absolutely.

Curling is symbolic of Canada

in such an incredible way.

I couldn't agree with you more. It's perfect.

Rob: And exhibit B: hockey.

Playing hockey, that is truly a shared experience

with all Canadians.

Tough and cool. Look at hockey fighting.

They fight each other, but they have respect for each other.

I saw a fight the other night on CBC,

and the guy was wearing a visor and he said to the other guy,

"Hang on, give me a second so I can take my helmet off."

And he gave him a second, and then they went into it.

That's fucking awesome.

Rob: And exhibit C, and my favorite of all:

The Canadian Football League.

My biggest thrill as a kid

was going to Calgary Stampeders games with my dad and brothers,

sitting on the 55 yard line in the freezing cold.

However, even back then, I asked...

I'm speaking, of course, about the Rough Riders,

and the Roughriders.

They even played each other and no one said anything!

(Laughter)

You know, that's fantastic.

(Sigh) So sad.

How did that happen? I want to know.

Like, really?

As creative a people we are...

we couldn't figure this one out?

Well, one was Roughriders and one was the Rough Riders,

and if you can't figure that out,

if you can't tell the difference between the two,

then there is something wrong with you.

It's the Canadian quest for efficiency.

So... Because it's the same name

and you can use it in each conference.

(Laughter)

That, look... I mean, doesn't that say it all?

I mean, in this kind of a country,

you can have two teams with the same name

and people listening to the game know who they're talking about.

This is lunacy.

That speaks to our politeness.

That speaks to, you know...

It's like having kids, okay?

Say you had nine kids.

You know, Bobby, Timmy, Sally, Mike, Phil...

Whatever, you get the idea.

And one of the other kids says,

"Well, I like his name, Phil. Why can't I be Phil?"

In America, they go, "No, because you're Sandy,

you can't be Phil."

In Canada, we go, "You like 'Phil'?

I want you to be happy. You're Phil too."

Rob: So who is responsible for such madness?

Let's ask this guy.

Ah... you know it's funny, I mean, this goes back...

So in 1898, the Ottawa rugby team,

which eventually became the football club,

was named the Rough Riders.

They played a really tough, violent game.

and a "Hamilton Spectator" reporter

ended up calling them the "Rough Riders".

And then in, like, 1924,

the rugby team in Regina were named the Roughriders

because the Royal Canadian Mounted Police had their training headquarters

right near the rugby field,

and they became the Roughriders as well.

Those two leagues merged, then they got two teams.

In such a big country, I don't think they knew...

You know, it took... canoe and...

Listen, we spell them a little bit differently:

one is "Roughriders", one word,

the other is "Rough Riders", so...

Rob: That seems to make sense...

in a Canadian sort of way.

But as Saskatchewan filled my rear view mirror,

that voice of doubt from before was getting louder.

I was more than halfway through my journey

and still didn't feel

like I clearly defined what it means to be Canadian.

I needed a quick little pick-me-up,

and knew exactly what would do the trick.

("Tom Sawyer" by Rush ¶¶)

¶ A modern day warrior ¶

¶ Mean, mean stride ¶

¶ Today's Tom Sawyer ¶

¶ Mean, mean pride ¶

( ¶¶ )

¶ Though his mind is not for rent ¶

¶ Don't put him down as arrogant ¶

¶ His reserve, a quiet defense ¶

¶ Riding out the day's events ¶

( ¶¶ )

¶ The river ¶

Man: (On loudspeaker) ...the charge! (Horn blowing)

(Audience applause)

Rob: Was that the most bad-ass thing you've ever seen?

Let me answer for you: yes!

Re-energized, I drove on.

But unlike all of the amazing places

I'd passed through on this trip,

this next one was truly special...

because it was my home.

I love Canada,

but I really love Alberta.

And as I crossed the provincial border,

that annoying little voice quieted down,

and I smiled because a few miles ahead

lay my hometown of Calgary.

(Triumphant ¶¶)

Calgary started out as a rough and tumble town.

It was one of the RCMP's most dangerous outposts,

has a cool Old West history,

and is also known as the home

to the world famous Calgary Stampede,

"the greatest outdoor show on earth".

Part huge state fair and part giant rodeo

and part awesome.

It helped put my hometown on the map.

Calgary's symbol is a white cowboy hat,

and when important visitors arrive there,

they get white-hatted,

custom made by Smithbilt.

I always thought those hats were so cool,

but since I grew up there, I never qualified.

My dad would bring home substitute hats for my brothers and I,

and I'd dream of striding through the prairie

like a Canadian Clint Eastwood.

Then, in a weird coincidence,

my aunt told me how my father used to work

as a salesman for Smithbilt as a young man.

I never knew this.

So I took a shot,

and they said, "Come on over."

Thanks a lot. No problem.

Brian Hansen. How's it going? Rob.

I couldn't believe I was actually here.

Ooh...

Yeah, exactly.

All right, so just a warning

to all the ladies out there: calm down.

(Chuckling)

Oh... You know what,

I think we're going to have to start with a smaller one.

Have I ever looked cooler?

There we go.

Rob: 40 years later,

I got to cross one more thing off my bucket list.

(Western music)

(Coyote howling)

(Whip cracking)

Man: So Rob, where are we right now?

We are in Haysboro, Calgary,

which is my old neighborhood.

And we are going to the house that I first grew up in.

I loved this house.

Right down the street

was where my ill-fated toboggan jump took place.

And it's also where,

as a little boy in the darkened basement,

I had my first experience with something...

incredibly strange.

It would happen every night,

and only got worse as the years progressed.

So, I decided to use this opportunity

to finally confront the question:

I used to, you know, flipping around channels,

would be able to spot a Canadian show in a second

just because it wasn't lit well.

Uhh, you know, why don't they light the person's face?

Every time you watched a Canadian drama, growing up,

you could always tell it was Canadian 'cause somebody forgot to turn the lights on,

and then you realize, "Oh wait that's just their lighting."

Larry Henderson...

some guy with a big moustache,

you know, delivering the news.

If he was talking about a bank robbery downtown,

on the little board behind his head,

they would have a line drawing

of a crook with a mask on,

holding a bag with a money sign on it,

you know, like...

And I'm watching news on other stations,

you know, out of Buffalo,

and I'm not seeing this kind of thing

on the broadcast.

Al Waxman was always the giveaway.

When Al Waxman is the mayor of your American city,

you know you're in a Canadian film.

Right. Or Al Waxman is Lincoln.

Ex... (Laughing)

They don't try to glam it up.

If anything they're trying to say, "Look,

"we're making this show, it's not any better than you.

We're not saying that we're any better than you."

I was so excited about "The Littlest Hobo".

¶ There's a voice, keeps on calling me ¶

(Laughing) No one's ever said that

No. in the history of man.

That's why I'm recording this.

That's the most original sentence ever said.

Rob: And you can't discuss Canadian TV

without mentioning its crown jewel,

"The Beachcombers".

I loved "The Beachcombers". I did too.

I think I had some, like, sexual attraction to Bruno Gerussi.

You can't explain "The Beachcombers".

(Laughter) It's a state of mind, man.

How would you pitch me "The Beachcombers"?

Umm... (Theme music)

Okay, we've got an idea for a show. Okay.

It takes place on Vancouver Island. Nice.

You got two rival beachcombers.

Like an older, Greek man...

...having a mid-life crisis

who collects wood, from the beach. (Laugh)

And he's got a nemesis, named Relic,

that'll do anything to you to not let you get the logs.

Dave Foley: But, they still have lunch together.

At a little place run by a lovable middle aged lady,

who you can imagine at some point had some sexuality.

The nemesis is the, are the gentle waters

off the coast of British Columbia. That's your villain.

Every week there's a new thing happening.

You never quite know what's going to happen.

Is it different logs every week?

Or is it one log in the course of the series? There is one problem log.

He's a drifter.

Sold, let's shoot it.

I want to be at that pitch.

That thing ran for 20 years!

20... 22 years! Yeah.

20 years "The Beachcombers" was on?

It's our "Gunsmoke". Yeah, exactly. Right.

That's perfect. If you go,

"Would you rather watch "Gunsmoke" or "The Beachcombers",

most people would rather watch "Gunsmoke". Right.

I would rather watch "Gunsmoke". Yeah, me too.

But I used to watch it religiously.

Rob: Now, why did you watch it?

I don't know why.

I think we just got into the mode in Canada

where we didn't even question it.

It's like, "Oh yeah, it's the 'Beachcombers'.

It's crap and provincial, but it's on every night."

It's like a bad relationship, you know, you're drawn to it.

You can't get out of it sometimes.

Rob: There was another important element to Calgary

that affected this film.

Because we had the Stampede,

American relatives would come visit us

and they would speak of Canadians

as though we were their pets.

It made me nuts because I found myself torn

between how condescending they were

and how I admired America's genuine awesomeness.

We had the "Beachcombers" and "The Friendly Giant".

They had "The Six Million Dollar Man"

and "Starsky and Hutch".

So I need to ask...

A friend of mine used to describe Canada

as the "Hey, guys, wait up!" country to the United States.

"Hey, guys, wait up! What are you doing?"

We've always felt like America's little brother.

This, like, little brother

who's demanding attention in his own right.

It's like being at a party

and your friend tells great stories

and you go, you know, "I like turkey."

And it's like, "I had diarrhea once on a plane.

Yeah, really embarrassing, eh?" Yeah.

Dude, it's, "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha, Marsha."

That's what it is growing up next to the states."

Let's look at the iconic American motion picture, "Twins"

with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito.

If they were siamese twins,

that would really be the story of America and Canada:

you are the Danny Devito

dangling loosely from Arnold Schwarzenegger's rib.

(Speaking in French)

Rob: If Canada was an going to be

a guest on the "Tonight Show",

how would Carson bring them out

to get the crowd excited about Canada?

(Imitating Carson) Ah, oh yes, that's...

that's right, Canada. It's just north of here?

I've heard of it.

As a matter of fact, one time,

uh, the US were thinking of buying Canada

and using it as a parking lot.

I'm yearning for any acknowledgement for them.

You're yearning for acknowledgement for them?

Rob: From the US.

For Canada? Well that ain't gonna happen.

The Americans know absolutely noth...

We're attached.

We're just like...

You can step over the border.

It's the exact same thing.

The thing that really probably hurt me the most

was realizing how little

people thought about Canada at all.

You know, like, most Americans don't know

that Canada was, was, uh, fighting in Afghanistan...

And then I'll talk with Americans who go,

"Well you guys never help us out!"

Well, no, we've been fighting a war

for ten years with you people. Uh-huh.

I'd hear my family or friends

say these same things, you know,

"Toronto's got a lot of great restaurants,

in fact a lot of people think that Toronto..."

and I'd say, "No, no, no, no,

"nobody's thinking anything.

They haven't mentioned it."

I've been... I can't think of the last time

I heard somebody mention Canada,

unless they were saying, "Hey, aren't you Canadian?"

That's it.

They never say, "God you know, I've really got to get up

"to those restaurants in Toronto.

Ah man, oh God, what a system they have up there."

Nobody's saying shit about it,

is the reality.

My American friend went,

"Wow, I didn't know you guys were so mad at us."

Right?

And I said, "Well, you know,

I bet there's a lot of stuff,"

all indignant,

"that Americans don't think about Canada."

And then I said, "So, you know,

what do Americans think about Canada?"

And my American friend went,

"We don't."

I know, growing up in Canada,

we kind of sneered at the United States,

but we couldn't take our eyes off it.

Looking over the fence

at what's going on next door and going,

"Hmm, oh, they think they're so great,"

you know.

You know, in the United States,

when the financial markets crash,

and we don't have a huge debt anymore,

and we don't have a huge deficit,

suddenly we get really, you know,

we get really snotty about the fact:

"Well look, well they're not doing very well, are they?"

It's a bit disingenuous, you know,

we're not that charitable towards the United States.

Right.

It seems to be this torturous thing,

where we love to be snotty, like you said.

But you're doing it yourself, you don't understand,

you're now actually talking down to me as an American.

Rob: Right.

And talking about how you think the Canadians are superior,

but under the guise of, "We're really humble."

So I caught you on your bullshit

right to your face in my fucking mansion.

(Bell ringing)

Rob: And another issue, since I'm venting.

Regardless of what other countries say,

I also believed

Canada was the greatest country in the world,

but it's hard to maintain that feeling

when your own people act as though we're second rate.

So...

I remember being at a Canadian award show,

and two people, at different times,

got up and said, "You see, we're second to none!"

And no one had brought up any, you just second to whom.

But what is that?

Like, I'm genuinely asking because...

I don't, I don't get it myself.

The fear that we weren't good enough.

Rob: Right.

The fear even though we won the war of 1812,

I believe. Yup.

In 1813, the fear returned.

Rob: We seem to revel in our own second placeness.

Woman: Because you always...

because you've all been brought up to say that you were second.

I've heard it from every Canadian.

Now we've had that conversation,

and that you guys are so nationalistic,

but you've always been told that you're second,

and you really believe it.

That's my friend and longtime friend

and my publicist, Susie Patricola.

(New York accent) She's from New York.

Rob: Really?

And everybody in New York is number one.

And they're told they're number one since birth,

because its New York.

I was guilty of it myself.

"American Woman" was really just a song by a Canadian band.

But I remember the first time

that Slash sat in with my band,

and he and I went over the list of things that he wanted to do,

and you know, there were classics

by Zeppelin in there and AC/DC,

and he says, "American Woman."

And I said, "Hold it!

You want to do 'American Woman'?"

He says, "Yeah, it's great,

it's one of the classic guitar riffs,"

and I realized, "Yeah," you know, "I guess it is."

But as a Canadian, I never really thought so,

until Slash, you know, told me that it was so.

There's a famous story about, uh, John Candy,

where he was at Toronto Airport,

and a Toronto Airport Canadian baggage handler

turns to him and says,

"Hey, John Candy, you're from Toronto right?"

And he goes, "Yeah, I am."

He goes, "Let me ask you something,

"why is it that when you Canadian comedians make it big,

you never buy a place in Toronto?"

And John Candy said, "What are you talking about,

I have a place in Toronto..."

And the baggage handler goes,

"Oh, I thought you'd made it big, eh?"

I like "eh" too, because "eh" is like,

"It's nice out, eh?"

You can't just say it's nice out.

You have to go, "Am I right?

That's true, isn't it?

It is, it is nice out, isn't it?"

Rob: And now that we're discussing it,

I scanned my memory banks, to try and dig up

when specifically I may have first learned this bizarre behavior.

Then it hit me...

(Music: "O Canada")

If I was designing the flag,

I would make it a little bit different than this,

but it's an okay flag.

Rob: How would you redesign it?

Rob's mother: If it was outlined in black, for example,

it would just be much more attractive."

Rob: So then, by having that flag all over the world,

and when people see it around they go,

"Oh, the Canadian flag equals Canadians

are pasty and boring?"

That would be a connection.

That would definitely be a connection,

and if the flag was made much more dynamic,

I think they would see us also differently.

Now this, I think is attractive.

Rob: Right.

This thing is done by a local Aboriginal person,

and the Canadian flag should be this.

This has got a story to tell,

and this is just ehhh...

It does not represent us,

and I'm going to send a note to parliament to tell them that.

Rob: Well, I think we've found our next Prime Minster.

But all these new revelations I was having on my trip

were triggering even more deeply buried issues.

And directly connected with other problems I still deal with today.

Like when I describe Calgary to people from outside Canada,

I usually end up saying,

"It's like a Canadian Denver."

Torontonians usually have to say,

"We are the New York of Canada."

This always felt like some sort of

classically Canadian concession to keep the conversation going.

So I also wanted to know...

There's a comparative thing about Canadians.

It's weird like, even Canadians will say,

"Oh yeah, I just got a subscription to MacLean's Magazine.

It's the Canadian 'Time'."

Yeah. Or it's the Canadian this.

The Canadian version of...

as if nothing originated in Canada.

I do it all the time.

And I think it's a way to explain it

but also to validate it, to make it seem important,

which I think is hilarious,

because MacLean's Magazine is important.

MacLean's on its own is a great magazine. Yeah, yeah.

It doesn't need to be "the Canadian..."

I believe it's won the Canadian Pulitzer.

Well, Canadian congratulations. (Laughing)

Yeah I guess we could just be like,

"It's the Canadian music awards,"

but then we'd always have to throw in

"like the Grammy's."

I guess we just feel inadequate.

I think that what happens is, because we're so close,

we get everything that they have.

But, they don't get anything that we have.

You know about the contest MacLean's had years ago?

Right. Where they had, there was the sentence,

"As American as apple pie,"

and then they asked Canadians to finish,

"As Canadian as..." Do you know that contest? Right. Right, yes.

So the winning entry was "As Canadian as possible...

under the circumstances." "Under the circumstances, "

yeah, which is a great line. Yeah.

Yeah, and it's...

But imagine we would have that contest...

Yes. And no one could win it.

Yeah I never liked "Canada's answer to..."

Because nobody's asking.

We can't say what it means to be a Canadian.

All we can say is we're not American.

We actually define ourselves by saying,

"We're not something else,"

which is sick.

I mean America has, you know, mom, the flag, and apple pie.

And what do we have?

"We're not like Americans."

Rob: Just thinking about this instinctive urge

made me crazy.

We were just as good, if not better,

than the next guy, right?

Right?

(Weakly) Right?

So once again, I sought professional advice.

But this time, I didn't go as me.

I went representing all of Canada.

¶ If you could read my mind, love ¶

¶ What a tale my thoughts could tell ¶

Marsha, thank you so much

for taking the time to see me today.

I really, really appreciate it.

It's my pleasure...

Uh, if you can,

just a quick description of yourself

and your qualifications.

I'm a psychotherapist.

I basically work with individuals

and also do quite a bit of couple counseling.

That is perfect, because my parents are British and French.

Yeah.

Who got together in sort of awkward circumstances,

just to be polite,

and live next door to this neighbour

that has this amazing house

and seems to have parties all the time.

So that doesn't sound

like it was the healthiest beginning, emotionally,

for me as a young country.

Well, I mean, if your parents

are Britain and France,

they couldn't live together,

and they got a divorce.

The second thing is,

because there's a lot of repression,

you have a lot of individuals

not feeling that great about themselves.

I definitely feel inferior.

If I started to see you regularly,

what help might you give me to get over that?

I don't know what, other to say than you can't be happy,

Canada, if you keep on describing yourself

in relation to anything.

You have to become an entity,

define yourself.

But what is it?

We are a country that is great.

Why don't we realize that

and have a little more acceptance about ourselves?

What is your opinion on that situation?

Which situation?

The one we just discussed about, you know,

Canada's comparative habit.

I can think of another question if it makes...

it's very tense in here right now.

I thought I was going to feel better when I came here,

but I actually want to gently open this window

and apologize and then jump and apologize.

Then I've done my job well.

I know all patient/doctor conversations are supposed to remain private,

but those realizations really bummed me out.

And even scarier, Canada Day was looming.

I needed to get going, but before I did...

I had an old score to settle.

(Music)

Ye-e-e-e-es!

Fuck you, Macklamore!

I'm back,

and I'm directing a movie, bitch!

Dumb vengeance is mine!

But I couldn't savour it too long,

as I only had only one day left to get to Vancouver,

and get some sort of clear conclusion about my quest.

So reluctantly, I left Calgary.

(Music on radio)

And as I drove along the TransCanada highway towards the Rockies,

the quiet of the road allowed me to...

feel terrible.

I still didn't have a definitive answer

on what it means to be Canadian.

If I hadn't come close to it now,

after crossing the entire country,

would I ever?

And then, adding maple frosting to my crap cake,

as I passed through Banff National Park

and began climbing the mountains

towards the Alberta, British Columbia border...

a storm hit.

(Thunder clap)

It got bad fast,

and the narrow mountain highway was closed down.

I pulled off into a tiny town

and realized I may not have only blown finding an answer,...

I may not even be able to make my simpler goal

of getting to Vancouver.

(Music)

So while the skies drowned my hopes,

I went to drown my sorrows.

I was so sad.

I was sad about leaving Calgary.

I was sad about all the time and effort

that I had put into this film.

And I was really sad I had to listen

to the bar's musician sing about his divorce.

Off key.

My trip had started with such promise.

I had so many amazing experiences.

But as I ordered another round,

and my brain got foggier,

I knew that to save this movie, and my quest,

it would take something truly great.

(Echoing) Great, great...

(Static)

(Squeaking)

Hello, Rob.

Yes, it's me.

The Great One.

How's it going?

You can't give up.

Not now, when you're so close.

Just get to Vancouver, for it is there

you'll get the final answers you need.

Trust me on this.

Believe in your quest, and believe in Canada.

Got to skate!

And then, like a maple miracle,

(Squeaking) the storm stopped.

And the roads were back open.

I may still make it for Canada Day!

And as I headed down into British Columbia,

I realized I wasn't the only one.

Being Canadian, wooo!

Fucking Canada! (mixed cheering)

Rob: A bunch of my other fellow Canadians

were headed to Vancouver to celebrate,

and their enthusiasm gave me a final boost

to say clock be damned. (Honking)

I may still be able to get the answer to my quest.

But with only 13 hours left until midnight,

it was going to be tight.

(Music)

I blasted into Canada Place,

where the Canada Day celebration had already began.

(Crowd cheers)

I was greeted by a huge, patriotic crowd,

some in both complimentary and non-complimentary outfits.

Getting desperate,

I went looking for final inspiration

on what it means to be Canadian

in the main convention center.

I browsed the invention zone,

proudly listing all our amazing contributions.

Like the paint roller,

the McIntosh apple,

the light bulb,

the telephone,

and of course....

The Canadarm.

A choir politely rocked the crowd

with an upbeat version of our anthem.

The crowd went politely crazy.

There was an amazing swearing in ceremony

for a room full of excited new Canadian citizens.

Who got a lot more excited when they saw their first official Canadian cake.

Obviously cut by a Mountie.

But as touching and cool as this was,

it didn't squash the panic building inside me

as the hall shut down for the evening,

and the sun began to set.

The only place I had left to go

was the Canada Day parade downtown,

so I raced off.

Unfortunately, by the time we made it there,

it had already started, and we scrambled to set up.

The last time I was at this parade

was as a little kid, decades ago,

and just like me, it was a lot smaller then.

And was also afraid of girls.

But, thankfully, it still had that home-town feel,

and I was delighted by all of its classic trappings:

Marching bands, pageant winners,

people in colourful and exotic costumes...

and even some old childhood friends.

I even spotted some of my new friends.

The excitement over my country's birthday

was palpable from the huge mixed crowd...

Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

But through my delight,

a sad realization was beginning to wash over me.

Dusk was fast approaching, and I started to worry

this whole trip hadn't been worth the hassle.

I was getting on a plane back to L.A. the next morning

and still didn't have a clear, simple answer

that could explain my beloved home

to an ignorant and indifferent world.

I was really bummed

and took a seat amongst the revelers

to let the reality of my failed quest sink in.

But even that wasn't working,

because there was so much noise.

I couldn't concentrate

surrounded by the wild rambunctious crowd.

So I got up to leave...

and then it hit me.

The last time I was at this parade,

people were never this excited about it.

I don't know what happened,

but while I was living in the states,

my fellow Canadians seemed to have found

an amazing new level of public national enthusiasm.

And maybe it was right in front of me the entire trip,

but was my old way of looking at Canada

what kept me from noticing it?

Watching everyone around me now,

I couldn't help being overwhelmed

with my own brand new, very powerful sense of pride.

The reason I'm doing this right now

is because you said that it's done by Canadians,

it's about Canada, and I'm proud to be part of it.

I got a star on the Canadian walk of fame.

And I had a line in my speech which was,

"I'm an actor, I'm a writer,

"I'm a producer, and a comedian,

"but no description of me would be complete

without mentioning that I'm also Canadian."

The stars that I know that live here,

in a minute, they would go back to Canada

and do, mostly,

sometimes to live for their summer homes, to perform.

They always like to go back home.

They never want to lose

the part of Canada that's in there.

Myself included.

I would never want to not be a Canadian.

You're always Canadian.

And it's something that I think we're proud of,

as much as we don't understand it.

You know we'll always have a love

in our hearts for Canada.

You will satirize Canada and talk about the "sorry"

and the niceness and how lame it is in a lot of ways,

but with great affection,

and it's a connection that we all have.

I think that Canada has kind of grown into it's own

in the last few years.

Being able to walk down the street

dressed like this and not have my ass kicked.

(Speaking in French)

We appreciate our own coolness

and the fact that we are kind of under the radar

and that we are more subtle.

I tell you something,

a lot of Canadian people didn't know what they have,

you have gold in your hand.

I think Canadians are waking up

to the fact that this is about the best place in the world to live.

I think that people kind of know that now,

it's like the secret's out.

Rob: Incredible.

And they were all right.

This movie shouldn't try to show what it means being Canadian.

It should show people what it means

being Canadian today.

Wait a second,

that was the answer I'd been searching for.

And for the first time in my life,

the solution to my problem became crystal clear.

I was wasting my time getting angry

trying to get the world's approval or recognition.

Because today's Canada doesn't need it.

I shouldn't feel sad that I left

or mad that non-Canadians are ignorant about us,

because regardless of where we go

or who we meet,

we will always be as cool as the ice

they think we skate to work on.

And after all this,

if someone still can't appreciate our special quirks,

that's their loss, not mine.

And just like that, a huge igloo-shaped weight

melted off my shoulders

and not with a second to spare.

(Bell tolling)

Mission accomplished!

But even though it was late,

and I was exhausted from my trip,

this was a moment for celebration,

so I raced back to join up with my partying countrymen.

(Mixed cheering)

Unfortunately,

I may have celebrated a little too hard.

I don't remember much,

except that I missed my flight,

everything tasted like maple,

and I needed to come back to Vancouver in a month

to explain a 500 dollar summons for public drunkeness.

Sorry.

Rob: Best Canada Day ever.

¶ I want to take you to a place I know ¶

¶ A place that's called Canada ¶

¶ I want to take you to a place ¶

¶ I want to take you to Canada ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ I want to take you to a place I know ¶

¶ A place that's called Canada ¶

¶ I want to take you to a place I know ¶

¶ A place that's called Canada ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ Sitting all alone and all I know ¶

¶ Is that I want to go to Canada ¶

¶ Sitting all alone, pick up the phone ¶

¶ And call Ramone and go to Canada ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ British Colombia ¶

¶ Alberta ¶

¶ Saskatchewan ¶

¶ Manitoba ¶

¶ Ontario ¶

¶ Quebec ¶

¶ New Brunswick ¶

¶ And Nova Scotia ¶

¶ P.E.I. ¶

¶ And Newfoundland too ¶

¶ And don't forget the territories ¶

¶ Nunavut ¶

¶ Oh, Northwest Territories ¶

Rob: Yes.

¶ The Yukon ¶

¶ And Nunavut too ¶

¶ That's Canada ¶

¶ We are Canadian ¶

So, if the Canadian National Anthem was left up to me,

I think it would go a little something like this:

(Rhythmic record scratching)

(Remixed "O Canada")

(Music)

(Music)

And then.

I might go...

Something like this...

(Scratching)

("Everybody's Working for the Weekend" by Loverboy)

Yeah, baby!

Loverboy!

(Music)

("O Canada")