Original subtitles

BILLY: Hi, Miri. I've got it. It's amazing!

He could have been a top surgeon on Harley Street

raking it in by now. I never wanted that.

You should be proud of him, and stop being a such a...

If you really want your wife back, you need to work hard.

It takes time to forgive someone properly.

He was the Chief Inspector, Miri...

It's me - Tina.

Tuna? ..and you're the town criminal with a grudge to bear.

They're coming for you first.

You need to go to the police, Mandy.

The police can come to me if they want me.

FUCK! Fuck. FUCK!

I'm bad news, Billy.

I think you're a good egg, who's had some bad luck.

WAVES LAP, GENTLE MUSIC

WOMAN: And you find yourself

on a beautiful beach on a warm summer's day.

Oh, Geri, where are you?

You can hear the waves lapping gently against the shore...

..washing over your worries and taking them away.

This is a safe space.

Your special place.

Nothing can hurt you here.

Hi, this is Mandy. I can't get to the phone right now.

Please leave a message.

Mandy, it's me. Erm...

I can't do this.

I can't keep waiting for someone to come and get me

for something that I didn't do,

so I am giving you this morning to do the right thing and to go down

to the police station and to tell them the truth about what happened.

Or, well, I'm going to have to go in and do that for you.

Aargh! Aah! Get out! Ow!

Ow! Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to... How did you...?

You gave me some keys.

Oh, yeah. So sorry.

Your flippers are strong.

Arm wrestling. Prison.

Really? Champion.

Wow! I did not know that about you.

THEY BOTH SIGH

Well, hello, Miri. Hi!

MIRI: ..to go down to the police station and to tell them

the truth about what happened or...

Well, I'm going to have to go in and do that for you.

TAP RUNS, THEN STOPS

Thank you.

Last night was...

That thing you did with my perineum...

Right, the girls need their breakfast, Mark. On it. Yes.

Hey! Guess what's just arrived.

Only the best waffle maker on the market.

That's brekkie sorted.

HIGH-PITCHED BEEP

Sorry, I'm still, I'm still a bit asleep.

Billy, I'm trying to say

that the last time I saw her was in the lighthouse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, fucking hell! Fuck!

Oh!

If they figure out where it happened and find Geri,

they'll think I killed him.

So I, um, I told Mandy that if she doesn't tell the truth,

then, I will.

But they won't believe you.

Right! Oh, God! Sorry.

Sorry. But we are not going to mope.

OK. There are things that I haven't done yet but I've longed to do,

and this... this could be our last day.

Don't. Well, morning. Please. Together. No, no.

And my last moments of freedom.

Stop it. It could be. It could be.

So we are going to make it AMAZING.

Oh, yeah. We're going to have fun. OK.

MIRI CHUCKLES

Darlings! Oh, God.

Don't you both look adorable?! How's my boy?

Oh, you are so scrawny.

Oh. He was such a fat little boy.

And hairy. Like a furball.

I'm joking. MOUTHS

Erm, I'm so sorry about...

Those cheeks.

Oh. Mum, what are you doing here?

I was just passing by,

erm, wanted to see you.

Again, I am...I'm so sorry... No need.

No, but I am, because it was your birthday.

60th. Yeah, and I totally...

Called me a cunt?

Water under the bridge.

Right, Mum, er...

Er, Miri and I, we're actually go...

You're not! No, but we are.

That is so weird! So am I! What are the chances?!

What? You're going to the...? Yeah.

You like al... Love.

But you hate all... I don't.

But are you actually going...? Yes.

That's where I was going.

I was just on my way.

Oh. Let's go together! Great.

ELECTRONIC TUNE

Was that Miri?

They've just driven off in convoy with Billy's mother.

Very glamorous woman.

Oh? I heard she's hard work.

Don't panic, darling, she's not my type.

She's no Jane Fonda.

I can't imagine her protesting about anything.

Are you in disguise?

No. I don't want my hair to get litter in it.

You do WANT to help, don't you, Caroline?

I do. I do.

Let's make Hythe green.

Clean.

KEYS JANGLE

ENGINE STARTS

KEYS JANGLE

Oh! Oh, thanks. THEY CHUCKLE

Ah! I can't believe we're actually here!

Are you happy? Yeah.

I've always loved them, but I've never seen them up close before.

Wonderful! My little...furry friends!

Just, er, just pretend she's not here. Yeah.

Love llamas. Alpacas. What's the difference?

Er, shorter ears, different hair, size. All right...

Completely different temperaments. Yeah, all right, calm down.

I really, really love alpacas. Sorry.

It's all right. She's your mum. It's important.

Welcome! Oh! Hi!

Oh, we only have two booked for the trek.

Well, now you have three!

Oh, right.

Erm... Yes!

We're not normally open at this time of year,

but when I heard it was you, I screamed.

Oh, no, with excitement - I wasn't frightened. Good.

Big fan.

You're going to love Mimi.

Mimi, meet Miri.

Hi, Mimi.

Oh, she looks a bit like you.

Doesn't she? She does!

Big eyes.

Strong fringe.

Locked up in a pen.

Caroline! I've found a vessel!

ALPACA HUMS Yeah, tell me about it, sister.

Alpacas are herd animals.

Not really good at being alone.

Well, I suppose YOU'RE used to being alone.

From men. Mum, I'd appreciate it if you'd...

No. No, no. Your girlfriend insulted me

at my 60th birthday party in front of all my family and friends.

And now I'm here, on my best behaviour,

walking a camel just so I can get to know her better. It's alpaca!

Well, they are related. Cos she sure as hell seems to think she knows me.

I DON'T think I know you. I just didn't like

how you spoke to your son.

I imagine some people didn't particularly like

how you murdered that girl. Ah! I did.

Christ, Mum!

You only just got out of a marriage to a woman who sent shit in a box.

And the day after she dies, you hook up with a serial killer.

I am not a serial killer! Christ!

A serial killer is a person who commits a series of murders,

often with no apparent motive, and typically

following a characteristic, predictable behaviour pattern.

Thank you! Only, they did just find that old policeman in the sea.

What policeman? What has she done now? Nothing! I have done nothing!

For God's sake, Mum! Why are you here?!

Please keep your voice down. Sorry.

This is an intervention!

Could you intervene in a whisper, please?

An intervention for what?

WHISPERS: This!

Mum, what are you doing?

WHISPERS: I cannot let you waste your life

on yet another terrible toxic relationship.

Much better. But you don't even know her!

Sh, you are upsetting Mimi.

She talks about herself in the third person, Billy.

The woman's a narcissist!

No, THIS is Mimi! I am Miri!

Really? I couldn't tell the difference.

Will you just stop it?! She is scheming

and manipulative and domineering.

You're literally describing yourself!

She's turned you against me, just like the last one...

You, you, you, YOU turned me against you!

Now, leave her alone! Just stop it, guys!

Enough! All I wanted was a nice morning with Billy and...

ALPACA HUMS Urgh! Just...

It was a stupid idea. No, Miri!

Oh! Come on, Mimi.

It's ok.

Thanks a lot, Mum. What?

Righto, in you hop! What?

Well, you're smaller than me. You can dig around and pass me

anything that should rightfully be in recycling.

Are you asking me to climb into a bin?

I'll give you a boost.

Stop it! Oscar, stop it!

Oh, for God's sake, stop it, Oscar! Why?

What will people think?

Caroline, currently they think you're a 67-year-old woman

with chlamydia and a murderer for a daughter.

And those witches hate you again, anyway.

But, right now, for the very first time in your life,

you're doing something wonderful for the world,

and you're still worried about what people think of you?

You're a prisoner of your own vanity. No, I'm not!

Yes, you are. Set yourself free!

Imagine what that might feel like

to not give a flying fuck about all that crap.

Because I don't! Oscar,

you're being a twat!

A twat!

Yes! But I'm a twat with a purpose, and it feels wonderful!

Oh, go home and hide, like you always do.

We could have had fun together!

Thank you, Caroline!

Right.

Back in your cage, then, Miri - oh, Mimi!

You look so alike. Uncanny.

Miri?

Come on, it's time. No.

No, she...she has to go back in now.

But she hasn't done anything wrong.

Go! Run! Be free!

Oh.

They don't do well out of captivity.

Well, how do you know? She might. They get overwhelmed.

But she hasn't had a chance! Miri...

Well, maybe she'd do amazingly.

Maybe she'd...hold down a job

and have a nice relationship

with some sexual activity.

Eventually.

And maybe one day she'd go to one of those islands and she'd lie

on white sand eating sushi, cos she hasn't even tried sushi yet.

Oh, for God's sake.

Lock her up.

Thank you.

Wonderful day.

For God's sake!

What are you looking at?!

Keep Hythe clean, you dirty bastard!

Oh, oh, oh!

Hello, Laura.

Rubber ducks that sank off the Isle of Wight

have been spotted floating across the English Channel on their own.

WHISPERS: Tina! Look who it is.

Oh, this is ridiculous. I didn't assault her.

She was assaulting the planet! Yes, she was! And she deserved it.

Mm, two criminals in the same family? You're just like the Wests.

Oh, do what you want with me.

I honestly do not give a flying fuck!

Charming. Rich, take her to cell three now.

Come on. I'm going with her!

DOOR BANGS CLOSED

That was fun.

Jane Fonda, eat your heart out.

RINGING TONE

VIBRATES

Hi, this is Mandy. Can't... HANGS UP

No? No.

It might be fine.

They might believe me.

You don't have to do this.

Oh. Have you got any Funny Faces?

Oh, shit. Hi! No.

Sorry. Oh.

I'm on Daddy Day-care.

The, the twins are feral.

Can you help?

Fuck off, Dom.

Oh. Fuck off.

Please.

No, no, put that down. Your mum will freak!

We could just go. Now. Get out of here.

I'm sorry, Billy, but the truth is all I've got.

Hey! Chin up, Buster.

You've given me some life these past six weeks.

You've made me...

..happy, and I haven't felt that.

I'll, erm, I'll wait for you.

If it all goes wrong.

I will fucking kill you if you wait for me.

Sorry. Sorry, but you are not allowed to do that.

I'm pretty loyal. It's like a problem I have. Not this time.

No! Well, you met my wife. It's a genuine issue.

Yes.

But you're free from that now, and you've got an ice-cream van.

The world's yours.

I think you're my person.

I really think you are.

SHE SPLUTTERS

Oh, God! No...

I take it back!

That's disgusting. Yeah, I'm disgusting.

Come here.

OK.

Oh...

Hi, I'm Miri Matteson, and I need to sp...

Oh, we know who you are. Take a seat. Tina's just with someone. OK.

Anyways, mate. Sushi.

This some sort of special... I love it, bro. Honestly, mate.

A bit of wasabi. Yeah? Mm!

Just avoid the crabsticks. Yeah? Well, it's not even crab at all.

How come? Someone told me.

It's just fish blended together.

Guts, skin, bone. Ah, disgusting!

The rice don't...

I've got a smelly dick A smelly, smelly dick.

Shut it, Philip.

Yeah, she just turned up like a sad, little mouse.

All that loss and, and now I've got to tell her...

Just do it. It's part of the job.

Yes, boss.

Sorry.

Erm.... CLEARS THROAT

Hi. Mrs...

Norah. Mrs Norah.

I'm afraid we found your husband's...

..body corpse,

in the sea.

I'm so sorry, Mrs Norah.

But he was - well, and still is -

dead.

I think you better turn that on.

No biggie.

Moral support. Thanks.

I've got a smelly dick.

Yes, you do, my friend.

Are you OK?

Hm.

Oddly enough, this isn't exactly how I planned my life.

Do you know what I wanted for MY life?

I thought I'd rescue loads of dogs.

Take care of them.

It didn't work out.

I'm a riddle, me.

That's probably why you became a probation officer, right?

No.

Oh, fucking hell.

But...

Why did you do it?

He was a bully.

I didn't like him very much.

This is what I was wearing.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to go to the loo.

Yeah, yeah. OK, fine.

Er, that...that was Mrs Boback, er...

..confessing...

..to me, to the murder of her husband.

To me.

Huh!

Oh-huh-ha-huh!

I got one!

Pssst. Rich!

Rich? Rich!

Rich!

Oh, I've got some jam tarts in my bag.

Jam tarts.

So much crap in here.

What have I got in here now? Let me see.

Thank you ever so much!

We're free!

Mum? Dad? Wh...?

What? I'm not allowed to leave the front desk.

Guess who just got a confession for the murder of Mr Boback.

Who? Me!

OK.

It was his wife. Oh, shi-i-it!

Where is she now?

She's weeing. Because, you know, old people wee a lot.

You let her go on her own?

Yeah. You just let her walk out?

Yeah. After confessing a murder?

Yeah. But she's old, she wouldn't do anything bad.

Released under caution. Your mother made a marvellous stand.

It was quite something.

Sorry, what are you doing here?

Miri Matteson. Come with me.

What's happened? I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

Is everything OK? Miri?

It didn't take YOU long, did it? They won't let you out again.

They don't take kindly to second offences.

Especially when you kill a Chief Inspector.

HIGH-PITCHED BEEP

She's not in the loo, Rich!

She's not in the loo! Did you see her? Mrs Norah.

She's gone! She just confessed to murdering Chief Inspector John.

She's a murderess. Right, everybody, out. Out!

Everybody, clear the building! She's gone!

Tina, you idiot!

VOICES FADE

"Rich! Rich! Rich! Rich! Rich!"

Now what are we going to do?! Well, get the fucking car! Go!

Oh, my God! I can't remember her face! What's her face like?

Yeah, the world's your oyster, girl.

Well, apart from Wednesdays at 9am.

Now, you go get him, Fido!

Erm, I've got to... Go. Of course. Love you guys.

What just happened?

I don't really know.

What? Got any Screwballs?

Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

What?

I'm off the hook.

What?

What? Yeah.

HE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

OK.

Where are we going?

We're not going home.

OK.

Let's just drive.

Let's leave this fucking town.

Yeah, but I don't have any pants. No, neither do I.

Well, apart from the ones that I'm... Yeah. Me too.

We can buy pants. We can.

And we can sleep in this van if we need to.

Yeah. Yeah. OK.

What about the supermarket?

Oh, fuck the supermarket. Yeah.

What about your mum? Oh, fuck my mum! What about Janice?

Fuck Jan... Oh, no. No, I-I do actually have to see Janice.

OK. OK.

Hey?

Are you ready?

Come on!

Long afloat on shipless oceans...

TEARFULLY: It's for Miri.

I love you.

SIRENS BLARE

I did all my best to smile

Till your singing eyes and fingers...

SIRENS BLARE

Drew me loving to your isle...

ELECTRONIC TUNE

And you sang Sail to me, sail to me

Let me enfold you

Here I am, here I am

Waiting to hold you...

Ha, it's a duck!

THEY LAUGH

Stop! Stop. What, what, what? I want to drive this bit.

All right, give us that.

Right, good.

Come on. Ready? Yes!

Oh! Oh! THEY LAUGH

Sorry! One sec.

ENGINE STARTS

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Swim to me Let me enfold you

Here I am, here I am

Waiting to hold you.

ICE-CREAM VAN PLAYS THE BLUE DANUBE

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0