Original subtitles

(radio playing "Pop Goes the Weasel")

(music stops)

(dramatic music)

(Amy) Ah!

Game Night-- tonight, on a very special

"At Home With Amy Sedaris".

I win or I don't play!

?

?

Oh, hello, and welcome to "At Home With Amy Sedaris".

It's game night! And I'm trying to find the perfect game.

Omelette Academy? No.

Mystery Foyer? No.

(gasps) Old Sea Hag!

"Find out who the hag is and cast her out to sea!"

I love game night.

It's so fun to watch friends take something to heart

that really doesn't matter.

Who Would Want To Marry You?

"The Outrageous Game Where You Die Cold and Alone!"

Tonight I've invited some of my favorite only friends over

for an evening of casual competition.

Before they arrive, I'll be making a handful of finger foods

as well as crafting some fabulous homemade prizes.

Ah! This is it!

Rum Shackle!

"The Indescribable Game of Sometime Adventure."

Perfect!

Now that we have our game, what's next?

To find out, let's spin the spinner

on the at-home game board.

(game show music)

Fish!

Looks like we're off to the kitchen

to create our game night menu.

A great game night menu is all about finger foods.

Who wants to be bogged down with a plate and silverware

when it's their time to Boggle?

That's why tonight we'll be making a finger food classic--

the submarine sandwich.

To help, I've invited the owner

and operator of our local sub shop,

the Sub and Tug on Boylan Avenue.

Please welcome Angelo DiBeverly.

(applause) Welcome, Angelo!

My pleasure!

(clears throat) And, and just to clarify,

we used to be called the Sub and Tug.

I recently renamed the shop. We are now Sub Maureen,

in honor of my beautiful and recently estranged wife,

Maureen.

Oh, isn't that a lovely gesture?

-Yeah, we'll see if it works. -Okay.

Angelo, what is the secret to a successful submarine sandwich?

-Meat distribution. -Oh!

That's right. You wouldn't believe how many amateurs

sort of front-load the first quadrant

while failing to pack enough meat into the trunk.

Okay, well, how's your sub shop doing on Boylan?

-Well, we do all right. -Yeah?

Yeah, I mean, we, we have our busy time around the Super Bowl

and then business drops off pretty significantly after that

but then picks right up again around Super Bowl time.

Okay. So, why don't we make a sandwich!?

(applause) Now, I have

the sliced bread here. So, what do we do first?

Okay. Voila. (Amy gasps)

So, now, we gently drizzle a mixture of olive oil, lemon,

oregano, and a little salt

into the nooks and crannies of the-- whoa!

-W-What? -You're not spoonin' chum

to snappin' turtles, all right?

Why don't we move on to the cheese?

-Okay. All right. -Okay.

So what you want to do, place the cheese...

-Like so. -No, no, no, start over.

Hmm, the slices need to be diagonal.

Now, the corners of the cheese stick out, just like, uh,

the corners of a dollar bill in a stripper's g-string.

And the only reason I know this

is because we cater a lot of bachelor parties, okay?

Just to be clear... Maureen.

She's gonna come back.

Yeah, you think so? (mouthing "no")

So what's next, Angelo?

Ah! The meat! Yeah.

Oh, do you have a special technique for laying out meat?

Do I have-- is a woman's pantsuit stuck with newspaper

my current life partner?

Call me, Maureen.

I like to fold my meat,

and vary the seams.

Now, I do a layer of ham, and a little mortadella.

-Okay. -Okay, some salami.

-Sure. -As stated earlier.

And then, bologna. Oh, look at that.

You go back and forth.

Well, how do you know when your sandwich is done?

Ah, my sandwiches are never really done.

-Oh. -They're just getting.

Okay, and now, for my contribution,

an added twist to a classic sub--

the periscope made out of an olive and a pickle.

I think it's cute.

Listen, um, can I leave you with my contact information

just in case Maureen calls in to the show?

I really don't have paper and pen handy.

Well, I'll just write it on a slice of cheese.

By the way, when is this gonna air?

Uh, it's on now, you're missing it.

-Ah... -Yeah, okay.

I'd like to thank Angelo DiBeverly

for helping us make this delicious submarine sandwich,

complete with folded cuts of meat

and a very special olive and pickle periscope.

Best of luck, Angelo.

I'm so alone.

Now that we have our party food prepared,

let's figure out where we go next.

(game show music)

Fudge.

What a surprise! We're heading over to the craft room.

(mumbling) Darn it.

Oh, hello.

I was just admiring this...

ash tray, made from an old tuna can.

(sniffing) Mmm! It smells like

an AA meeting for alcoholic mackerel.

You know, it's been said crafting

is the art of turning things nobody wants

into things people feed bad about throwing away.

This is crafting corner.

? Beads and things and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons and bows ?

Welcome to Crafting Corner.

Today I'll be making a trophy to give to my game night winner.

Making a trophy is simple.

First, find something in your house you want to get rid of.

Now, I've chosen an electric fan.

It shorted out when my rabbit chewed the cord

and lit the rug on fire.

Once you have your item,

you're gonna spray paint it gold,

which I've done here. (applause)

So now that I've made the perfect game night trophy,

where to next?

Come on, living room! (game show music)

Yes!

Fish.

Great. Let's go to the living room.

Along with our lucky game night sub sandwich,

I've prepared a delectable dealer's choice salad trifecta--

doubled down on the three-bean salad,

go all in on the potato salad,

or roll the dice on ham also salad.

And the wild card? A wienie tree!

I'm wearing my jackpot playsuit and smoky pantyhose,

and all that's left is to welcome my guests.

(doorbell chimes) Oh!

(upbeat music)

Come in, welcome to game night!

Look at you!

I didn't know you all were going to come together.

Oh, we rented a minivan! Oh, it was so exciting!

Leslie drove, but of course I told him where to go.

Now, Amy Lou, I brought you some rhubarb chutney,

right here now. Leslie made it,

but it was my idea.

You can just put it on some toast points.

Gosh, Johnny, I am so thrilled that you were able to make it.

It's the closest thing we have to a war hero!

We all saw your latest film, "Sayonara, Nazi".

It was a hoot, and we love the scruff, it's very sexy.

Oh, thank you.

I'm growing it out for my next part.

"None Came Home But One".

Why, I never imagined anyone could pretend to act so brave.

Thank you for your fake service.

It's just as hard as the real thing.

No... no.

-I brought you these. -Oh! Oh, fresh-cut flowers.

Oh, it's so thoughtful.

Quick tip-- fresh-cut flowers as a hostess gift

are not a good idea.

They take the hostess out of circulation

because they have to be acknowledged, cut, and vased.

So do your hostess a favor and don't burn your wood flowers.

Thank you, they're lovely.

I also brought you this man's watch.

Oh!

Oh, look, and it's inscribed.

"From the cast of 'Torpedo Junction'".

Hmm, how ever did you find the time?

All right, everyone! Find a seat!

Now, I've looked through all my games

and I think I found the perfect one for us to play.

It involves cunning, repetition, and cunning.

It's...

"Rum Shackle"!

Rum Shackle ding-dong! I've got my money belt.

I'm all loaded up.

I won't be running out of nickels this time.

Now, for those of you at home that don't know the rules,

these are the rules.

First, players split into three single teams of two.

Next, each player takes a turn picking four cards.

A blue card means you pick two more.

A yellow, put two back.

Green are wild and a red card allows you to buy property.

Then each player spins the spinner

to find out if they toss the dice.

A game piece can only be moved

once a player has accumulated the tokens

coordinating with their cards.

A player wins by collecting all the marbles

from the capture zone and then yelling--

(all) Rum Shackle!

Okay, let's play!

(emergency broadcast tone)

Attention! We interrupt the somnolent tones

of Chick Cornet and His Ambient All-Stars

with this emergency broadcast.

There's a torrential thunder-cane

approaching the Research Triangle Area.

Cyclone winds, apocalyptic rain and monsoon hail.

All businesses and/or schools are closed,

depending on what time it is.

The entire area's under severe storm watch

for the next 12 minutes.

All civilians stay indoors!

(thunder crashes, all gasp)

(wind blowing)

Looks like we're on lockdown for the next 12 minutes!

Twelve minutes?

Who knows how long that could last?

Well, not me.

I'm gonna need my watch back.

(Leslie) You know what they say

about a thunder-cane.

It's like Moses parting the Red Sea in half,

only in quarters.

Looks like our game night just turned into a game of...

(dramatic musical sting) ...survival.

That dramatic sting was performed Chick Cornet

and His Ambient All-Stars.

?

(wind blowing, thunder crashing)

As the storm rages on we implore all Research Triangle

Park area residents, shutter your windows,

bar your doors, bury your elderly.

Just listen to it-- all that relentless pounding.

Like the heart of a former lover buried under the floorboards.

Oh, god, I need a drink.

Not so fast.

The alcohol has been officially requisitioned.

We need it to sterilize the wounds.

Oh, I have wounds.

On the inside.

Oh, damn it, this is crazy, I--

Chassie, the booze is off-limits.

Who put you in charge?

I did.

And I put Leslie in charge who put me in charge,

and if you don't like it, leave.

Fine.

(dramatic music)

(crying)

Look at you, shaking like a palm frond.

The wind would knock you out just like that.

Tear you up by the roots, I tell ya.

Can you shut up about trees and roots and all this storm talk!?

Well, well, well.

Big war hero, afraid of a little wind.

Maybe I had you pegged all wrong.

Hey, that tall, anemic-looking man is hoarding food.

What are you talking about?

That food is to be rationed among all of us, equally.

Equally?

Everybody knows, some of us are more equal than others.

A pig told me that.

Toss him out into the storm.

Let him drown on the sidewalk like the worm that he is.

You wouldn't survive without me, you'd all turn on each other.

-That would never happen. -What did he say?

Weren't you listening, you bitch?

-Oh! -Oh, you'll turn,

and when you do, you'll want someone like me there...

to preserve order.

Don't move! Nobody come near me

or I swear to Christ this sandwich gets it.

I will gut it from ass to mouth, so help me.

You're not gonna hurt that sandwich!

-Why is that? -Because there's five witnesses,

and if you do, you'd have to kill us all!

The math checks out.

Okay.

I'm in charge of the food now.

Fine, have it your way.

You're going to have to sleep sometime.

And when you do...

we'll see who's in charge.

Why don't we all just settle down, okay?

The storm is gonna blow over in a few minutes.

I'll go make some coffee

and then we can get back to playing Rum Shackle.

(thunder crashing)

(dramatic music)

(thunder crashing)

(sighing deeply)

(classical music)

When making coffee for a large, tense group

on the precipice of lawlessness,

the last thing anyone needs is caffeine.

Caffeine causes tension, and tension causes stress,

and stress almost always causes stabbing.

That's why I use caffeine-free, Low-Grade instant coffee.

(slurping)

Tastes like I boiled it from actual coffee.

Mmm! The aroma I smell with my nose.

How does Low-Grade get their nuggets this far

from a coffee bean and still comply

with most of the Geneva Conventions?

It's a process they call Perfectly Legal.

Let me let you in on a little secret.

Whenever I brew boil a large quantity of Low-Grade,

I like to add a little chicory.

Mmm! (spits)

Now, that's Low-Grade.

Low-Grade, inspired by real coffee.

(thunder crashing, people struggling)

What is going on?

Leave him be! Unhand him!

How dare you!

I'm a renowned maritime psychologist!

So you're a seaman, you'll be fine!

Stop! Stop it!

Please! What is going on?

Now, stop! What is going on?

He has got to go-- it's for the good of the all of us.

Oh, don't listen to him!

He's a burden.

Now, hold on a minute! What's this all about?

I saw him sneaking this!

Oh, that's his inhaler.

He can't be counted on!

He'll bring us all down!

He's got a mild case of asthma,

it's perfectly curable with medication.

It ain't natural. (thunder crashing)

Under normal circumstances, I'm totally fine with this.

But now, in a crisis situation?

What if he has one of his degenerate lung spasms

when we're all counting on him?

He'd doom us all!

Nobody is going to be pushed out into that storm.

Fine. He's not getting this back.

Now, listen, we're all going to be stuck here

for the next six minutes whether you like it or not.

So I want everyone to just relax and take a deep breath.

(wheezing)

See!?

(wind blowing, thunder crashing)

Why is everyone so quiet?

Say something! Talk!

(chuckling) Listen to the big war hero.

You're such a tough guy when you got a chair in your hand

and you're talking me out of my sandwich.

But look at you now.

You shut your mouth.

Oh, I will.

I will shut my mouth, and I'll keep it shut, you know why?

Because I don't have a sandwich to put in it.

We have to do something.

We could play Rum Shackle.

Old man, has this ever happened before?

Two men fighting over a submarine sandwich?

-I don't think so. -I meant the storm.

Oh. Fifteen years ago a Nor'easter traveling southwest

tore through this area.

Houses on stilts snapped like chopsticks.

And chopsticks snapped like toothpicks.

Three hundred people were washed out to sea.

And 400 bass were washed onto land.

Some say it was a fair trade.

Of course, not the families of the 300 people.

Or the 400 bass.

The winds reached 200 miles an hour on that terrible day,

or in maritime speak, that would be, let's see...

(mumbling)

Let's just say, very, very fast.

They were finding corpses washed up at the Craft Room for weeks.

We're like sitting ducks swimming in a barrel of fish.

Well, I'm not gonna stand here and sit still

while we're swept out to sea!

What do you propose we do?

Let's do a buoyancy check.

Yes, we'll fill up the tub

and see which one of us floats best, and then we'll know.

Look, the chances we all make it through this are very slim,

so at least in the event of a flood,

we'll know whose corpse to grab for as a floatation device.

Let's start with the doughy man.

-That's ridiculous! -Fine!

But we have to do something!

Well, why don't we have a drink?

Chassie, I said no.

Now, we all have to pull our weight around here,

and what have you done?

I've done just as much as anybody, I have.

Oh, please!

I could sing a song.

Oh... oh, okay, why don't you do that, Chassie?

Why don't you sing us a little song?

I used to sing all the time.

I was good, too.

In nightclubs, oh...

I wore a midnight blue dress,

and a starfish in my hair.

We're waiting.

If I sing would you give me a drink?

Why, sure, now sing for your supper.

Tick-tock.

? Oh my man, he knows and knew ?

? Just how much I loved him too ?

? Walking down the boulevard ?

? Tiny pansies in my yard

? Oh my man, he knew and knows ?

? How those pansies likes to grows ?

? Jump for joy, he's coming home ?

? So I'll never, ever be alone ?

I'll take that drink now, Patty.

I don't think so.

(hissing) Patty!

You promised!

That was horrible!

You sounded like a sick cat

scratching a crying baby down an old blackboard.

(sobbing) Patty...

(sobbing)

Here you go, kid.

Thank you.

(slap)

Jesus.

(Chassie) Refresher.

(tapping "Shave and a Haircut")

Oh! He's got the sandwich!

Oh! Put it down!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, you're ruining it!

Oh, the filling is spilling! (groaning)

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh! The cheese and deli meats for naught!

All we have left is the potato salad, the ham salad,

the three bean salad, and the wienie tree!

Oh, this is madness, madness!

(loud crash)

(glass shatters)

We'll be right back. (dramatic music)

(static)

Bulletin-- the storm has passed.

318 people have been washed out to sea-- a new record!

As the Research Triangle Park digs out from the debris

and devastation of downed trees and power lines,

the community wonders, how do we move forward?

This once on in a lifetime catastrophic event,

which happens every few years, has tested the community.

It has revealed the best in people, and unfortunately,

the worst.

And now the lugubrious tones of Chick Cornet

and what's left of his Ambient All-Stars.

(Chick Cornet) We'd like to dedicate

this next number to the memory of my woodwind section.

(snappy jazz playing)

You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

Is there still a curfew on the bar?

All's I know is I'm gonna sleep real soundly tonight.

Well, you might not agree with my methods, or my motives,

or my willingness to kill Leslie,

but one day, you'll all thank me.

You're a monster.

No, no, Patricia.

He did what he thought was best to protect his crew.

There is honor in that.

He did it to protect himself.

The true measure of a man is not determined

until he stares Death in the face.

What? Did I say that out loud?

I'm sorry, I'm running lines.

(Amy) How did this happen?

We started out as friends,

and as the night wore on,

we were reduced to cutthroat, vindictive cheaters

who formed alliances in order to destroy each other's lives.

We hoarded goods for our own self-interest.

We acted like cowards and bullies.

We destroyed about 15 pounds of deli meats and cheeses.

You know what that sounds like to me?

The perfect game night!

And guess what?

We've all earned a trophy tonight.

Even though I only have one to give.

Oh! Well, one trophy? Well, then I get it.

Well, I think it should be me.

But you two live together.

-Separate wings. -It's less messy that way.

(music fades)

?

Oh, hello.

The party is winding down, people are heading home,

and I'm left with a lot of mixed feelings

and a sink full of dirty dishes.

That's why after the guests leave I turn to Low-Grade,

industrial-grade Dish Paste.

That's right-- Low-Grade. (classical music)

The same name we're asking you to trust for your coffee

you can now trust with your dirty dishes.

You hear that sound? (squeaking)

That's the scrub-noid crystals in action.

And with the paste, there's far less waste.

Low-Grade-- inspired by real soap.

We'll be right back.

(sawing)

I hope you learned a thing or two

to make your game night a big win.

We'll see you next time. Good night.

(nightclub music playing)

? Oh my man, he knows and knew ?

? Just how much I loved him too ?

? Walking down the boulevard ?

? Tiny pansies in my yard

? Oh my man, he knew and knows ?

? How those pansies likes to grows ?

? Jump for joy, he's coming home ?

? So I'll never, ever be alone ?

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