All language subtitles for At Home With Amy Sedaris s02e10 Game Night.eng

(radio playing
"Pop Goes the Weasel")

(music stops)

(dramatic music)

(Amy)
Ah!

Game Night--
tonight, on a very special

"At Home With Amy Sedaris".

I win or I don't play!

?

?

Oh, hello, and welcome to
"At Home With Amy Sedaris".

It's game night! And I'm trying
to find the perfect game.

Omelette Academy?
No.

Mystery Foyer?
No.

(gasps)
Old Sea Hag!

"Find out who the hag is
and cast her out to sea!"

I love game night.

It's so fun to watch friends
take something to heart

that really doesn't matter.

Who Would Want To Marry You?

"The Outrageous Game Where You
Die Cold and Alone!"

Tonight I've invited some of
my favorite only friends over

for an evening of
casual competition.

Before they arrive, I'll be
making a handful of finger foods

as well as crafting some
fabulous homemade prizes.

Ah! This is it!

Rum Shackle!

"The Indescribable Game
of Sometime Adventure."

Perfect!

Now that we have our game,
what's next?

To find out,
let's spin the spinner

on the at-home game board.

(game show music)

Fish!

Looks like we're
off to the kitchen

to create our game night menu.

A great game night menu
is all about finger foods.

Who wants to be bogged down with
a plate and silverware

when it's their time to Boggle?

That's why tonight we'll be
making a finger food classic--

the submarine sandwich.

To help, I've invited the owner

and operator
of our local sub shop,

the Sub and Tug
on Boylan Avenue.

Please welcome Angelo DiBeverly.

(applause)
Welcome, Angelo!

My pleasure!

(clears throat)
And, and just to clarify,

we used to be called
the Sub and Tug.

I recently renamed the shop.
We are now Sub Maureen,

in honor of my beautiful
and recently estranged wife,

Maureen.

Oh, isn't that
a lovely gesture?

-Yeah, we'll see if it works.
-Okay.

Angelo, what is the secret to
a successful submarine sandwich?

-Meat distribution.
-Oh!

That's right. You wouldn't
believe how many amateurs

sort of front-load
the first quadrant

while failing to pack enough
meat into the trunk.

Okay, well, how's your
sub shop doing on Boylan?

-Well, we do all right.
-Yeah?

Yeah, I mean, we, we have our
busy time around the Super Bowl

and then business drops off
pretty significantly after that

but then picks right up again
around Super Bowl time.

Okay. So, why don't we make
a sandwich!?

(applause)
Now, I have

the sliced bread here.
So, what do we do first?

Okay. Voila.
(Amy gasps)

So, now, we gently drizzle
a mixture of olive oil, lemon,

oregano, and a little salt

into the nooks
and crannies of the-- whoa!

-W-What?
-You're not spoonin' chum

to snappin' turtles,
all right?

Why don't we move on
to the cheese?

-Okay. All right.
-Okay.

So what you want to do,
place the cheese...

-Like so.
-No, no, no, start over.

Hmm, the slices
need to be diagonal.

Now, the corners of the cheese
stick out, just like, uh,

the corners of a dollar bill
in a stripper's g-string.

And the only
reason I know this

is because we cater a lot of
bachelor parties, okay?

Just to be
clear... Maureen.

She's gonna come back.

Yeah, you think so?
(mouthing "no")

So what's next, Angelo?

Ah! The meat! Yeah.

Oh, do you have a special
technique for laying out meat?

Do I have-- is a woman's
pantsuit stuck with newspaper

my current life partner?

Call me, Maureen.

I like to fold my meat,

and vary the seams.

Now, I do a layer of ham,
and a little mortadella.

-Okay.
-Okay, some salami.

-Sure.
-As stated earlier.

And then, bologna.
Oh, look at that.

You go back and forth.

Well, how do you know
when your sandwich is done?

Ah, my sandwiches
are never really done.

-Oh.
-They're just getting.

Okay, and now,
for my contribution,

an added twist
to a classic sub--

the periscope made out of
an olive and a pickle.

I think it's cute.

Listen, um, can I leave you
with my contact information

just in case Maureen
calls in to the show?

I really don't have paper
and pen handy.

Well, I'll just write it
on a slice of cheese.

By the way,
when is this gonna air?

Uh, it's on now,
you're missing it.

-Ah...
-Yeah, okay.

I'd like to thank
Angelo DiBeverly

for helping us make this
delicious submarine sandwich,

complete with folded
cuts of meat

and a very special olive
and pickle periscope.

Best of luck, Angelo.

I'm so alone.

Now that we have
our party food prepared,

let's figure out
where we go next.

(game show music)

Fudge.

What a surprise! We're heading
over to the craft room.

(mumbling)
Darn it.

Oh, hello.

I was just admiring this...

ash tray,
made from an old tuna can.

(sniffing)
Mmm! It smells like

an AA meeting for
alcoholic mackerel.

You know,
it's been said crafting

is the art of turning things
nobody wants

into things people
feed bad about throwing away.

This is crafting corner.

? Beads and things
and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons
and bows ?

Welcome to Crafting Corner.

Today I'll be making a trophy
to give to my game night winner.

Making a trophy is simple.

First, find something in your
house you want to get rid of.

Now, I've chosen
an electric fan.

It shorted out
when my rabbit chewed the cord

and lit the rug
on fire.

Once you have your item,

you're gonna
spray paint it gold,

which I've done here.
(applause)

So now that I've made
the perfect game night trophy,

where to next?

Come on, living room!
(game show music)

Yes!

Fish.

Great.
Let's go to the living room.

Along with our lucky
game night sub sandwich,

I've prepared a delectable
dealer's choice salad trifecta--

doubled down on
the three-bean salad,

go all in on the potato salad,

or roll the dice
on ham also salad.

And the wild card?
A wienie tree!

I'm wearing my jackpot
playsuit and smoky pantyhose,

and all that's left
is to welcome my guests.

(doorbell chimes)
Oh!

(upbeat music)

Come in,
welcome to game night!

Look at you!

I didn't know you all were
going to come together.

Oh, we rented a minivan!
Oh, it was so exciting!

Leslie drove, but of course
I told him where to go.

Now, Amy Lou, I brought you
some rhubarb chutney,

right here now.
Leslie made it,

but it was my idea.

You can just
put it on some toast points.

Gosh, Johnny, I am so thrilled
that you were able to make it.

It's the closest thing
we have to a war hero!

We all saw your
latest film, "Sayonara, Nazi".

It was a hoot, and we love
the scruff, it's very sexy.

Oh, thank you.

I'm growing it out
for my next part.

"None Came Home But One".

Why, I never imagined anyone
could pretend to act so brave.

Thank you
for your fake service.

It's just as hard
as the real thing.

No... no.

-I brought you these.
-Oh! Oh, fresh-cut flowers.

Oh, it's so thoughtful.

Quick tip-- fresh-cut flowers
as a hostess gift

are not a good idea.

They take the hostess
out of circulation

because they have to be
acknowledged, cut, and vased.

So do your hostess a favor and
don't burn your wood flowers.

Thank you, they're lovely.

I also brought you
this man's watch.

Oh!

Oh, look, and it's inscribed.

"From the cast of
'Torpedo Junction'".

Hmm, how ever did you find
the time?

All right, everyone!
Find a seat!

Now, I've looked
through all my games

and I think I found the perfect
one for us to play.

It involves cunning,
repetition, and cunning.

It's...

"Rum Shackle"!

Rum Shackle ding-dong!
I've got my money belt.

I'm all loaded up.

I won't be running
out of nickels this time.

Now, for those of you at home
that don't know the rules,

these are the rules.

First, players split into
three single teams of two.

Next, each player takes a turn
picking four cards.

A blue card means
you pick two more.

A yellow, put two back.

Green are wild and a red card
allows you to buy property.

Then each player
spins the spinner

to find out if they toss
the dice.

A game piece can only be moved

once a player has
accumulated the tokens

coordinating with their cards.

A player wins by
collecting all the marbles

from the capture zone
and then yelling--

(all)
Rum Shackle!

Okay, let's play!

(emergency broadcast tone)

Attention! We interrupt
the somnolent tones

of Chick Cornet
and His Ambient All-Stars

with this emergency broadcast.

There's a torrential
thunder-cane

approaching the Research
Triangle Area.

Cyclone winds, apocalyptic
rain and monsoon hail.

All businesses
and/or schools are closed,

depending on what time it is.

The entire area's
under severe storm watch

for the next 12 minutes.

All civilians stay indoors!

(thunder crashes, all gasp)

(wind blowing)

Looks like we're on lockdown
for the next 12 minutes!

Twelve minutes?

Who knows how long
that could last?

Well, not me.

I'm gonna need
my watch back.

(Leslie)
You know what they say

about a thunder-cane.

It's like Moses
parting the Red Sea in half,

only in quarters.

Looks like our game night
just turned into a game of...

(dramatic musical sting)
...survival.

That dramatic sting
was performed Chick Cornet

and His Ambient All-Stars.

?

(wind blowing,
thunder crashing)

As the storm rages on we
implore all Research Triangle

Park area residents,
shutter your windows,

bar your doors,
bury your elderly.

Just listen to it--
all that relentless pounding.

Like the heart of a former lover
buried under the floorboards.

Oh, god, I need a drink.

Not so fast.

The alcohol has been
officially requisitioned.

We need it to
sterilize the wounds.

Oh, I have wounds.

On the inside.

Oh, damn it,
this is crazy, I--

Chassie, the booze
is off-limits.

Who put you in charge?

I did.

And I put Leslie in charge
who put me in charge,

and if you don't like it,
leave.

Fine.

(dramatic music)

(crying)

Look at you,
shaking like a palm frond.

The wind would knock you out
just like that.

Tear you up
by the roots, I tell ya.

Can you shut up about trees and
roots and all this storm talk!?

Well, well, well.

Big war hero,
afraid of a little wind.

Maybe I had you pegged
all wrong.

Hey, that tall, anemic-looking
man is hoarding food.

What are you talking about?

That food is to be rationed
among all of us, equally.

Equally?

Everybody knows, some of us
are more equal than others.

A pig told me that.

Toss him out into the storm.

Let him drown on the sidewalk
like the worm that he is.

You wouldn't survive without me,
you'd all turn on each other.

-That would never happen.
-What did he say?

Weren't you listening,
you bitch?

-Oh!
-Oh, you'll turn,

and when you do, you'll want
someone like me there...

to preserve order.

Don't move!
Nobody come near me

or I swear to Christ
this sandwich gets it.

I will gut it from
ass to mouth, so help me.

You're not gonna hurt
that sandwich!

-Why is that?
-Because there's five witnesses,

and if you do,
you'd have to kill us all!

The math checks out.

Okay.

I'm in charge
of the food now.

Fine, have it your way.

You're going to
have to sleep sometime.

And when you do...

we'll see who's in charge.

Why don't we all
just settle down, okay?

The storm is gonna blow over
in a few minutes.

I'll go make some coffee

and then we can get back
to playing Rum Shackle.

(thunder crashing)

(dramatic music)

(thunder crashing)

(sighing deeply)

(classical music)

When making coffee
for a large, tense group

on the precipice
of lawlessness,

the last thing anyone needs
is caffeine.

Caffeine causes tension,
and tension causes stress,

and stress almost always
causes stabbing.

That's why I use caffeine-free,
Low-Grade instant coffee.

(slurping)

Tastes like I boiled it
from actual coffee.

Mmm! The aroma I smell
with my nose.

How does Low-Grade
get their nuggets this far

from a coffee bean
and still comply

with most of the Geneva
Conventions?

It's a process they call
Perfectly Legal.

Let me let you in
on a little secret.

Whenever I brew boil a large
quantity of Low-Grade,

I like to add a little chicory.

Mmm!
(spits)

Now, that's Low-Grade.

Low-Grade,
inspired by real coffee.

(thunder crashing,
people struggling)

What is going on?

Leave him be!
Unhand him!

How dare you!

I'm a renowned maritime
psychologist!

So you're a seaman,
you'll be fine!

Stop! Stop it!

Please! What is going on?

Now, stop!
What is going on?

He has got to go-- it's for
the good of the all of us.

Oh, don't listen to him!

He's a burden.

Now, hold on a minute!
What's this all about?

I saw him
sneaking this!

Oh, that's his inhaler.

He can't
be counted on!

He'll bring us all down!

He's got
a mild case of asthma,

it's perfectly curable
with medication.

It ain't natural.
(thunder crashing)

Under normal circumstances,
I'm totally fine with this.

But now,
in a crisis situation?

What if he has one of
his degenerate lung spasms

when we're all
counting on him?

He'd doom us all!

Nobody is going to be
pushed out into that storm.

Fine. He's not
getting this back.

Now, listen, we're all
going to be stuck here

for the next six minutes
whether you like it or not.

So I want everyone to just relax
and take a deep breath.

(wheezing)

See!?

(wind blowing,
thunder crashing)

Why is everyone so quiet?

Say something! Talk!

(chuckling)
Listen to the big war hero.

You're such a tough guy when you
got a chair in your hand

and you're talking me
out of my sandwich.

But look at you now.

You shut your mouth.

Oh, I will.

I will shut my mouth, and I'll
keep it shut, you know why?

Because I don't have
a sandwich to put in it.

We have to do something.

We could play Rum Shackle.

Old man, has this
ever happened before?

Two men fighting over
a submarine sandwich?

-I don't think so.
-I meant the storm.

Oh. Fifteen years ago
a Nor'easter traveling southwest

tore through this area.

Houses on stilts snapped
like chopsticks.

And chopsticks snapped
like toothpicks.

Three hundred people
were washed out to sea.

And 400 bass were washed
onto land.

Some say it was a fair trade.

Of course, not the families
of the 300 people.

Or the 400 bass.

The winds reached 200 miles
an hour on that terrible day,

or in maritime speak,
that would be, let's see...

(mumbling)

Let's just say,
very, very fast.

They were finding corpses washed
up at the Craft Room for weeks.

We're like sitting ducks
swimming in a barrel of fish.

Well, I'm not gonna stand here
and sit still

while we're
swept out to sea!

What do you propose we do?

Let's do a buoyancy check.

Yes, we'll fill up the tub

and see which one of us floats
best, and then we'll know.

Look, the chances we all make it
through this are very slim,

so at least
in the event of a flood,

we'll know whose corpse to grab
for as a floatation device.

Let's start
with the doughy man.

-That's ridiculous!
-Fine!

But we have to do something!

Well, why don't we have
a drink?

Chassie, I said no.

Now, we all have to pull
our weight around here,

and what have you done?

I've done just as much
as anybody, I have.

Oh, please!

I could sing a song.

Oh... oh, okay,
why don't you do that, Chassie?

Why don't you sing us
a little song?

I used to sing
all the time.

I was good, too.

In nightclubs, oh...

I wore
a midnight blue dress,

and a starfish in my hair.

We're waiting.

If I sing
would you give me a drink?

Why, sure, now sing
for your supper.

Tick-tock.

? Oh my man,
he knows and knew ?

? Just how much
I loved him too ?

? Walking down
the boulevard ?

? Tiny pansies in my yard

? Oh my man,
he knew and knows ?

? How those pansies
likes to grows ?

? Jump for joy,
he's coming home ?

? So I'll never,
ever be alone ?

I'll take that drink now,
Patty.

I don't think so.

(hissing)
Patty!

You promised!

That was horrible!

You sounded like a sick cat

scratching a crying baby
down an old blackboard.

(sobbing)
Patty...

(sobbing)

Here you go, kid.

Thank you.

(slap)

Jesus.

(Chassie)
Refresher.

(tapping "Shave and a Haircut")

Oh! He's got the sandwich!

Oh! Put it down!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, you're ruining it!

Oh, the filling is spilling!
(groaning)

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh! The cheese
and deli meats for naught!

All we have left is the potato
salad, the ham salad,

the three bean salad,
and the wienie tree!

Oh, this is madness, madness!

(loud crash)

(glass shatters)

We'll be right back.
(dramatic music)

(static)

Bulletin--
the storm has passed.

318 people have been washed
out to sea-- a new record!

As the Research Triangle Park
digs out from the debris

and devastation of downed trees
and power lines,

the community wonders,
how do we move forward?

This once on in a lifetime
catastrophic event,

which happens every few years,
has tested the community.

It has revealed the best
in people, and unfortunately,

the worst.

And now the lugubrious tones
of Chick Cornet

and what's left
of his Ambient All-Stars.

(Chick Cornet)
We'd like to dedicate

this next number to the memory
of my woodwind section.

(snappy jazz playing)

You all should be
ashamed of yourselves.

Is there still a curfew
on the bar?

All's I know is I'm gonna
sleep real soundly tonight.

Well, you might not agree with
my methods, or my motives,

or my willingness
to kill Leslie,

but one day,
you'll all thank me.

You're a monster.

No, no, Patricia.

He did what he thought was best
to protect his crew.

There is honor in that.

He did it to protect himself.

The true measure of a man
is not determined

until he stares Death
in the face.

What?
Did I say that out loud?

I'm sorry,
I'm running lines.

(Amy)
How did this happen?

We started out as friends,

and as the night wore on,

we were reduced to cutthroat,
vindictive cheaters

who formed alliances in order
to destroy each other's lives.

We hoarded goods
for our own self-interest.

We acted like cowards
and bullies.

We destroyed about 15 pounds
of deli meats and cheeses.

You know what that
sounds like to me?

The perfect game night!

And guess what?

We've all earned
a trophy tonight.

Even though I only have
one to give.

Oh! Well, one trophy?
Well, then I get it.

Well,
I think it should be me.

But you two live together.

-Separate wings.
-It's less messy that way.

(music fades)

?

Oh, hello.

The party is winding down,
people are heading home,

and I'm left with
a lot of mixed feelings

and a sink full of
dirty dishes.

That's why after the guests
leave I turn to Low-Grade,

industrial-grade Dish Paste.

That's right-- Low-Grade.
(classical music)

The same name we're asking you
to trust for your coffee

you can now trust
with your dirty dishes.

You hear that sound?
(squeaking)

That's the scrub-noid
crystals in action.

And with the paste,
there's far less waste.

Low-Grade--
inspired by real soap.

We'll be right back.

(sawing)

I hope you learned
a thing or two

to make your
game night a big win.

We'll see you next time.
Good night.

(nightclub music playing)

? Oh my man,
he knows and knew ?

? Just how much
I loved him too ?

? Walking down
the boulevard ?

? Tiny pansies in my yard

? Oh my man,
he knew and knows ?

? How those pansies
likes to grows ?

? Jump for joy,
he's coming home ?

? So I'll never,
ever be alone ?

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