All language subtitles for At Home With Amy Sedaris s02e09 Confectionaries.eng

(door bell jingling)

Hi, Ned, sorry to hear
about your wife--

everyone's
laughing about it.

Thanks. It's been rough.

Been eating my feelings.

-Oh...
-Well, let's see, how about...

Uh...

Hmm...

I don't know, just tell me
what's good.

Absolutely.

Ladies!
(bell dings)

?

? Apple crisp
and cinnamon twist ?

? Bum-bum-bum-bum

? Chocolate swirl
and caramel whirl ?

-? Bum-bum-bum-bum
-? Butterscotch pops

? Lemon drops

? These are just a few of
the things that we've got ?

? Bum-bum-bum-bum

-? ...spice of taffy lollies
-? Bum-bum-bum-bum

-? Syrupy honey,
Candy Charlies ?

? Bum-bum-bum-bum

? Before they write
your obituary ?

? Enjoy your share of fun
'fectionaries ?

So, what'd you think?

I guess I prefer the singing
bakery across the street.

?

Confectionaries--
tonight, on a very special

"At Home With Amy Sedaris".

?

?

Welcome to "At Home
With Amy Sedaris".

Tonight-- confectionaries.

Sweets play such a big part
in our lives.

We use them to celebrate
birthdays, reward children,

and lure racoons in snares.

Sometimes we use them
to console ourselves

after a horrible breakup,

those kind of breakups
you never saw coming.

You know, he had a problem
with commitments

so you try to be
cool about it.

(chuckling)
Gave him plenty of space.

And then out of nowhere
he ends it

so he can marry the woman
you didn't even know about,

who's pregnant with
his second child.

(laughing through cake)

It's fine, it's fine.

Tonight it's all about
sweet things.

I'll be making some of
the amazing treats

from my new top selling
dessert book called...

"Deserts to Die For".

Now, as you see,
there was a printing error

which my publisher is
unwilling to fix.

They claim it will only hurt
sales, I completely disagree.

We're also trying something
a little new tonight

because the entire show
will be sponsored

by the good folks at
Confederated Sugar Industries,

the leader in refined
white sugar.

Confederated Sugar--
a sprinkle a day

means a sweeter tomorrow.

Here to tell us more,
please welcome to my show

the lovable Confederated
Sugar mascot, Sugar Grizz.

Get on out here!

? Adding a spoonful
to all your dishes ?

? Pure refined sugar
is sugar-ly delicious ?

? Why would I lie? ?

(applause)

-Welcome, Sugar Grizz!

Where you hiding
that sugar at?

That's his catchphrase.

(Grizz stammering)
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
oh, yeah.

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

Oh, yeah, oh,
sweet mother of pearl.

Oh, yeah, oh, baby, that takes
the edge off.

Sugar Grizz, I remember
when I was a little girl

I'd get up in the morning
to have breakfast

and your commercial
would come on and remind us

about the importance of sugar.

I wonder, Buckle, is there any
way you can show a clip of that?

Do you mind?

Abso-galutely!

I'd be honored.

(beep)

? There is Billy and Mary Sue

? They want one food
but what to do ?

? I heard your food
was acting fizz ?

? Well trust your friend
the Sugar Grizz ?

? Here's something sweet
that's good to eat ?

? A tasty granular
sugary treat ?

-Yay!
-Yay!

? For breakfast or dinner
it really sings ?

? In fact
it's good on everything ?

? Doctors say it's not
nutritious ?

? But our legal team
says that's fictitious ?

So much sugar!

? Why would I lie? ?

Whoo, that brings back
a lot of sweet memories.

Oh, man, I was so much
thinner then.

And I had so much more hair.

So, Grizz, would you like to
make something with me today?

Of course, as long as
the ingredient star is su-gar.

All right, well, I thought
it would be fun

if we made bear claws.

Yeah, then maybe later on we
could serve some

severed human hands.

Moving on, okay,
what we're gonna do

is we're gonna add
a cup of flour.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

-Okay. Almond paste.
-Boring!

-Half a stick of butter.
-I'm falling asleep here!

-And a half a cup of--
-Say it!

-Sugar.
-Sugar!

Daddy like.

Okay, there you go.

Now, we're going to mix
the ingredients like so

in a big bowl.
Now, would you like to stir?

You betcha!
Gimme that spoon.

Okay.

-Amy?
-Yes.

Maybe you should take
another look at the recipe,

see if you got the measurements
for the sugar exactly right.

No, I got them right.

Are you sure about that
half a cup?

-I'm pretty sure.
-Are you sure about

that half a cup?

Sugar Grizz, I... yeah.

Sweetheart,
I'm not gonna stand here

as you short-change the sugar.

Now, add the sugar.

-I did add the sugar.
-Amy... add the sugar.

You see? Hmm? Hmm?

That wasn't so hard, was it?

No, of course not.

We all make mistakes.

So, what are we doing next?

Well, we roll up the mixture,

cut them into toes
and then bake,

and I have a batch that should
be done about right...

(bell dings)
...now.

Oh-ho!

Look at that--
almonds for the toenails.

Whoa! That is enough to turn
a bear into a cannibal!

Okay. I want to thank you
so much

for coming on the show today.

What?
I'm not going anywhere.

You're staying
for the whole episode?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Speaking of woods,
if you'll pardon me,

I'm gonna avail myself
of your woods.

See you in a second,
sweetheart.

When we return,
I'll show you the perfect way

to display your cakes and pies.

(Grizz)
I can't hear you!

Also, we'll be making
more sugary sweets!

(Grizz)
Oh, baby!

(announcer)
This episode of

"At Home With Amy Sedaris"
is brought to you by

the fine folks
at Confederated Sugar--

eat more sugar-- eat it.

?

Oh, hello, I was just stuffing
my gingham bonnets

into this trunk.

Crafting,
or creative hoarding,

is the art of not having
any artistic ability.

This is Crafting Corner.

? Beads and things
and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons
and bows ?

Welcome back to
"At Home With Amy Sedaris".

Tonight, we're sponsored
by Confederated Sugar.

(Grizz growling)

Are you okay?

I'm crashing.

Well, why don't you relax
while I do this?

All right, you go ahead.

Okay. These are my glass
dessert pedestals.

I find these at flea markets
or tax sales or sometimes

I'll check the obituaries
then loiter outside the house

until they clean
the place out.

You'd be surprised
what kind of treasure you find

from the recently deceased.

I know my friends
are always jealous

when I come home with
another glass pedestal.

They say things like,
"You sure have a lot of time

on your hands, Amy," and "I hope
you froze those eggs, Amy."

Then they go home to their
families while I spend time

arranging my glass pedestals,
so take that, Mother's Day.

Today I'm going to show you
the perfect craft to place

on top of your glass
pedestals-- fake cakes.

-What?
-Calorie free!

What!?

Fake cakes--
it's a Styrofoam form cutout

covered in Plaster of Paris
and latex paint.

Oh, my God! Why?
That's an abomination!

That goes against everything
we colonized

third world countries for!

-Would you please!
-Oh, God, this is so cruel!

I can't believe this.
This is ridiculous.

It's, it's like giving a kid
a taxidermy puppy.

For this craft you will need
two cups of light spackle...

(Grizz shouting)
...you can get this

at your local hardware store.

You're gonna need
some Plaster of Paris.

Oh, why, why?

Add that right to
the same bowl,

right on top,
like so, all righty.

Then you're gonna add
some water.

I like to eyeball the water
but I'm gonna start

with just a little bit.

-Take your hand mixer, okay.
-Tastes vile in my stomach.

And do this as you would
a normal cake, like so.

(sobbing)
I don't understand you!

Mix it together until it's
a smooth paste, all right?

Heretic! Abomination!

Blasphemer,
you should be stoned!

Hope you're getting
a close-up on this.

And you can just keep doing this
for hours and hours and hours,

but my show's only
24 and a half minutes long,

so I'm gonna stop now.

So then you're gonna
take the Styrofoam

and you're just gonna frost it

just like you would
a normal cake.

Now, this is gonna dry
pretty fast,

so you have to be
very, very quick.

And then once it dries,
you're going to paint it

your choice of color,
and you might want to use

a semi-gloss on these cakes,
and then, as you can see,

it looks something like this.

-This is criminal.
-Beautiful!

-It's criminal.
-Now I would like for you

to meet a new guest
to the show.

I met her at
a hospitality symposium

which focused on napkin folding.

Who isn't thrilled to wipe their
hands on a sanitary swan?

She was gonna come on the show
to talk to us about desserts

on a budget, but unfortunately,
she was too busy,

so we went to her.

Please welcome Cindy Snipes
from Windale!

Cindy!

?

Thank you, Amy, now, I'm so
sorry couldn't make it out there

for you today.
Between the company and the kids

I just had about
this much time, okay?

About this much time.
(phone ringing)

So I'm gonna make these quick
because I have got to go.

-Mommy!
-Mommy will be there

in two minutes, okay?
(phone ringing, bell ringing)

(dog barking)
She's gotta do this segment.

We'll celebrate your birthday
next year, okay?

We'll do something real big,
real special.

(kids crying)
Now let me finish this up.

All right, I'm so sorry.

Okay, now I'm gonna teach
you how to make

strawberry shake 'ems.

Now, this is a quick, uh,
treat bit that you can have

after a meal or after school,
before bed, whatever you want.

(kids crying)
But the point is it's quick

and it's economical,

and we all know we are
pinching pennies.

What's that saying,
count your pennies

and the dollars will follow?

Well, this is the treat
you want.

Okay, what you're gonna need is
a jam jar and some milk.

It's simple, simple.
(kids crying)

Now, you're gonna
take your jar, and you know,

because I make peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches also

for my kids
to take off to school

and I have to work and I need
something quick

for their lunches...

-Mommy!
-What I do is I save the jars,

and just when I'm about to put
them in the dishwasher,

I realized there's
still jam in there...

-Mommy!
-So, look closely...

(phone ringing)
And you can see the jam

hiding in the crevices
in what I call the corners.

Now, I know a round jar

doesn't have corners, but you
can see the jam is building up.

(dog barking, kid shouting)
Knock it in the center like so.

-All right, set this aside.
-Mommy!

Now you're gonna fill it
with milk,

so you're gonna
add the milk, like so,

to the jar and I'm gonna
do it three quarters full...

-Mommy!
- ...because I don't want use

my milk up, uh,
for this segment.

I don't have time to go to the
store, as you can see, I'm busy.

-Mommy! Mommy!
-And you're gonna shake it

like so, you can do it
for a long time

but because I'm busy I can't.

Now what you're
gonna do is just sip it.

(cuckoo clock, dog barking)
-Mommy!

-Mm! Mm!
-Mommy!

Oh, lord, that is so good.
(kid crying)

I am so glad
that I took the time

to sit here and do this.

-Real quick-- mm!
-Mom!

So nice talking to you,
Amy, I've got to go

and I'll see you
at church on Sunday.

(kid crying)
And I love you bunches.

-Mommy!
-Okay, mommy is done!

I told you daddy
was not coming home tonight

and he's not ever coming home.

Thank you, Cindy, I appreciate
you taking the time,

what with your company
and kids and all.

What I miss, huh?
What are we making?

Whatever it is...

? Add another spoonful
to all your dishes ?

? For fine white sugar
is granularly delicious ?

? Why would I like?

Why do you keep repeating that?

I'm just saying that
a bear would seemingly

have nothing to gain
from lying.

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, Regional Wine Lady?

Rumor had it you were doing
an episode on confectionaries,

so I brought you the perfect
dessert cocktail.

What's with the, uh,
walking rug?

He's our sponsor.

? If you're looking for
a scrumptious treat ?

? Sugary chews
is the snack-a-beat ?

? Why would I--
(keys jangling, Grizz screaming)

Keys! Keys!

So, dessert cocktail.

I call it Candy Nipple,

because you'll be sucking on it
all night long.

It's "utterly" delicious.

Don't be a boob, drink one.

And if you don't like,
tough titties!

What you do is you make a simple
syrup out of sugar and water,

add it to one part
triple sec, one part rum,

garnish with a slice
of pineapple

and serve it
with a rock candy stick

and sugar up the rim.
Now I gotta go.

I'm heading out to the
Hedonistic Bowling Convention.

We're gonna spend most of
our time in the gutter.

(singsong)
? It's Friday night

? I'm gonna get drunk

? I'm gonna get laid

? I'm gonna be late on
Monday ?

Toodle-loos!

Is the mean,
drunky lady gone?

Yes, she's gone.

Well, that's a relief.

All right.
What are we making next?

No, "we" aren't
doing anything.

It's time right now to go to
the lady who lives in the woods.

The lady who lives
in the woods?

Yes, she's going to tell us
about natural treats,

you know, nature's candy.

What!?
Like raisins and shit?

Where is this lady
who lives in the woods?

Well, she lives in the woods.

Can please
just do my show?

All right, I'll let you do
your show, okay.

I'm gonna go take a little walk,
maybe scratch my back on a tree,

you know, something bears do.

? Don't believe
those ugly rumors ?

? Sugar doesn't lead
to the growth of tumors ?

? Why would I lie? ?

And now the lady
who lives in the woods.

? Deep in the forest
a lady lives ?

? In a small house
that is made of twigs ?

? She's earthy, simple
and mostly plain ?

? And what you don't know
she will try to explain ?

? She bathes in a creek
and she sleeps on a cot ?

? Feasting on mushrooms
and apricots ?

? Her bathroom's a hole
in the dirt that she dug ?

? Her friend's a racoon
and a slimy spring slug ?

? She's the Lady Who Lives
in the Woods ?

?

Nature provides us with all
sorts of magnificent gifts--

twigs that can be woven into
baskets to carry other twigs,

or sticks that can be built

into a shelf to house
your twig basket,

or even leaves--
they can be formed into socks.

As a bonus, every fall
they change color.

But today we are going to talk
about something really special--

sun-made sweets, also known
as nature's candy.

(door opens)

I asked Esther
to gather from the woods

some of nature's delicacies.

Let's see what tasty
treats she found.

Oh, let's see.

The top of an acorn,
a grass clump,

and a number of bottlecaps.

This is a pretty meager
harvest, Esther.

What do you have there?

It's a butterscotch
toffee-ato.

It appears you got
your mission confused.

What could have Esther brought
back in her sack?

A variety of berries
would have been appropriate.

Figs or dates, lemongrass,
mint, honeysuckle,

even the sweet inner bark
from the poplar tree

would be a better offering.

Luckily I know some other
workers who never let me down.

(buzzing)

Bees.

Nature's diligent
candy makers.

Now, I'm sure the first concern

when harvesting honey
is being stung to death,

but don't worry.

As long as you're not a threat,
the bees won't attack you.

Many beekeepers rely on smoke
to calm the bees,

but I find positive thoughts
and affirmation more effective.

Hopefully, the bees
won't misinterpret

my frustration with you
as anger towards them.

(buzzing continues)

Greetings, bees.

What an attractive hive
you keep.

I honor your queen
and rejoice in her fertility.

I respect your loyalty,

the dedication you show
to your matriarch.

There's a beautiful
lesson to be learned here.

Are you learning it, Esther?

(slurping)

Now, it's time for me
to quietly,

and with great deference,
remove the golden gift.

(dramatic music)

(loud thud)
Yo! Woods lady!

Hey! Woods lady!
(banging on window)

(laughing)

(women shouting)

? Sugar doesn't come
from a bee ?

? Sugar sugar sugar,
deedlie-dee ?

(laughing)

(announcer)
This show is sponsored by

Confederated Sugar--

why would you use any other
sweetener-- why would you?

?

Welcome back to the show.

Sweets are not only fun to eat,
but fun to decorate with.

Take a look at
this adorable gumdrop wreath.

? Sugar sugar sugar,
deedlie-dee ?

Whoa! A gumdrop frisbee!

Good?

-Mm-hmm!
-Yeah?

So, where were you?

You know, uh,

I was out foraging for berries
and scoopin' up salmon--

things that bears do.

You know, I know what you did
to Ruth and Esther,

and I am over you!

I don't care if you are my
sponsor, do you understand that?

And you know what else?

I'm gonna make
popcorn balls today.

And you know what I'm gonna use
to make it stick it together?

-No.
-Agave.

I'm gonna do it with agave.

-No, no, no-- wait, wait.
-Yes. After your popcorn

has popped,
add the agave from Concord

to the actual popcorn.

No, Amy, Amy, please.

-Please...
-Ahh!

Please, please,
you don't know these people.

You don't know what
they're capable of.

What are you talking about?

These are scary people.

They, they make me wear this
bear suit all the time.

You know what it's like
to live in a bear costume?

I go to my kid's baseball game
dressed as a bear!

And so?

-Yeah, well, we're the pirates!
-Okay.

And my wife won't look at me.

You know what it's like
to make love in a bear suit?

Actually, I do,
but I really don't want

to go into it right now.

Look, why don't you just
take it off, Grizz?

I-I can't.
They control me.

They got me hooked on sugar.

They control my life!

You just have to be
stronger than that.

You can't be their slave.
You can do it!

You're right.

You're right,
I can be my own man...

-In a bear costume.
-Yes, there you go.

Look.

Look, I just steamed it.

No, don't make me.

-Grizz!
-No, no!

-You gotta-- come on.
-I don't wanna!

-Make changes.
-Okay, okay.

-I can't.
-Try it.

Okay, oh, God,
oh, my God.

One bite, just one bite.

(applause)

There you go-- see?

(gunshot)

What's happening?

What's happening?
Who are you?

What's with the denim bag
with a patch?

What just happened?

What's going on!?

I want to apologize for
that unfortunate incident.

Who are you?

I am from Confederated Sugar.

Oh.

We suspected for a long time

that the bear
had some serious issues.

What's gonna happen to him?

Oh, he's going to be sent to
one of our ensweetment camps

where he's gonna get
all the help he needs.

Nothing for you
to worry about.

You should just
concentrate on your show.

-Oh.
-What are we making?

Well, I was making
popcorn balls with agave.

-That sounds delicious.
-Yeah.

Agave. You probably
could've just mixed

some sugar with some water,
but agave should work.

Okay.

You should be careful
with that agave.

Why is that?

Kind of nothing to be
concerned about,

but recently I read a study
linking agave...

to early onset strangulation.

I'd hate to see that happen
to a woman your age,

who lives alone.

That's ridiculous.

Why would I lie?

I know what
you're trying to do.

And just because you
sponsored the show

doesn't mean that
you can control me.

Now, I'm gonna make
my popcorn balls

and I'm making them with agave.

-It's your choice.
-Yes, it is.

I'm gonna help you.

I'm just putting on my
popcorn ball shaping gloves.

And, uh, just gonna get out
my mixing garrote.

And, oh, yes, my baking tarp.

-Let's make some popcorn balls.
-Let's.

Take the agave...

Where you hiding
that sugar at?

Sugar Grizz!

Shouldn't you be hibernating
at the bottom

of a shallow grave by now?

It seems that your two henchmen
underestimated me.

That... and a potent stench
that's accumulated

inside this bear suit
over the past 17 years.

Well...
mostly it was the stench.

Well, I'll murder you
the old-fashioned way,

with the bear suit on.

(men grunting, Amy shouts)

(Amy)
No! Please!

You want broccoli?
Um...

Agave!

It's sticky in my eyes!

I'm blinded!

Oh, God!

Sugar Grizz!
Oh, I knew you could do it!

Su-- are you okay?

I don't think
I'm gonna make it.

I don't think I could
live without--

I don't think I could
live without sugar.

You know, there are
other things you can consume

that'll help pick you up
that aren't sugar.

-Like what?
-Well...

Coffee, for instance.

-Coffee?
-Yeah.

Yeah.

?

I feel it.

I'll get off sugar,
and I'll drink coffee!

I'll never be a slave
to food products again!

?

?

We had a lot of fun today.
We learned a little too.

For instance,
I'll never again agree

to have the show sponsored by
a large, evil corporation,

which is why next week
I am proud to announce

this show will be sponsored
by the good people

at Associated Corn Syrup.

Corn syrup-- night to morn,
drink your corn.

Good night.

(suspenseful music)

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