Original subtitles

(door bell jingling)

Hi, Ned, sorry to hear about your wife--

everyone's laughing about it.

Thanks. It's been rough.

Been eating my feelings.

-Oh... -Well, let's see, how about...

Uh...

Hmm...

I don't know, just tell me what's good.

Absolutely.

Ladies! (bell dings)

?

? Apple crisp and cinnamon twist ?

? Bum-bum-bum-bum

? Chocolate swirl and caramel whirl ?

-? Bum-bum-bum-bum -? Butterscotch pops

? Lemon drops

? These are just a few of the things that we've got ?

? Bum-bum-bum-bum

-? ...spice of taffy lollies -? Bum-bum-bum-bum

-? Syrupy honey, Candy Charlies ?

? Bum-bum-bum-bum

? Before they write your obituary ?

? Enjoy your share of fun 'fectionaries ?

So, what'd you think?

I guess I prefer the singing bakery across the street.

?

Confectionaries-- tonight, on a very special

"At Home With Amy Sedaris".

?

?

Welcome to "At Home With Amy Sedaris".

Tonight-- confectionaries.

Sweets play such a big part in our lives.

We use them to celebrate birthdays, reward children,

and lure racoons in snares.

Sometimes we use them to console ourselves

after a horrible breakup,

those kind of breakups you never saw coming.

You know, he had a problem with commitments

so you try to be cool about it.

(chuckling) Gave him plenty of space.

And then out of nowhere he ends it

so he can marry the woman you didn't even know about,

who's pregnant with his second child.

(laughing through cake)

It's fine, it's fine.

Tonight it's all about sweet things.

I'll be making some of the amazing treats

from my new top selling dessert book called...

"Deserts to Die For".

Now, as you see, there was a printing error

which my publisher is unwilling to fix.

They claim it will only hurt sales, I completely disagree.

We're also trying something a little new tonight

because the entire show will be sponsored

by the good folks at Confederated Sugar Industries,

the leader in refined white sugar.

Confederated Sugar-- a sprinkle a day

means a sweeter tomorrow.

Here to tell us more, please welcome to my show

the lovable Confederated Sugar mascot, Sugar Grizz.

Get on out here!

? Adding a spoonful to all your dishes ?

? Pure refined sugar is sugar-ly delicious ?

? Why would I lie? ?

(applause)

-Welcome, Sugar Grizz!

Where you hiding that sugar at?

That's his catchphrase.

(Grizz stammering) Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

Oh, yeah, oh, sweet mother of pearl.

Oh, yeah, oh, baby, that takes the edge off.

Sugar Grizz, I remember when I was a little girl

I'd get up in the morning to have breakfast

and your commercial would come on and remind us

about the importance of sugar.

I wonder, Buckle, is there any way you can show a clip of that?

Do you mind?

Abso-galutely!

I'd be honored.

(beep)

? There is Billy and Mary Sue

? They want one food but what to do ?

? I heard your food was acting fizz ?

? Well trust your friend the Sugar Grizz ?

? Here's something sweet that's good to eat ?

? A tasty granular sugary treat ?

-Yay! -Yay!

? For breakfast or dinner it really sings ?

? In fact it's good on everything ?

? Doctors say it's not nutritious ?

? But our legal team says that's fictitious ?

So much sugar!

? Why would I lie? ?

Whoo, that brings back a lot of sweet memories.

Oh, man, I was so much thinner then.

And I had so much more hair.

So, Grizz, would you like to make something with me today?

Of course, as long as the ingredient star is su-gar.

All right, well, I thought it would be fun

if we made bear claws.

Yeah, then maybe later on we could serve some

severed human hands.

Moving on, okay, what we're gonna do

is we're gonna add a cup of flour.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

-Okay. Almond paste. -Boring!

-Half a stick of butter. -I'm falling asleep here!

-And a half a cup of-- -Say it!

-Sugar. -Sugar!

Daddy like.

Okay, there you go.

Now, we're going to mix the ingredients like so

in a big bowl. Now, would you like to stir?

You betcha! Gimme that spoon.

Okay.

-Amy? -Yes.

Maybe you should take another look at the recipe,

see if you got the measurements for the sugar exactly right.

No, I got them right.

Are you sure about that half a cup?

-I'm pretty sure. -Are you sure about

that half a cup?

Sugar Grizz, I... yeah.

Sweetheart, I'm not gonna stand here

as you short-change the sugar.

Now, add the sugar.

-I did add the sugar. -Amy... add the sugar.

You see? Hmm? Hmm?

That wasn't so hard, was it?

No, of course not.

We all make mistakes.

So, what are we doing next?

Well, we roll up the mixture,

cut them into toes and then bake,

and I have a batch that should be done about right...

(bell dings) ...now.

Oh-ho!

Look at that-- almonds for the toenails.

Whoa! That is enough to turn a bear into a cannibal!

Okay. I want to thank you so much

for coming on the show today.

What? I'm not going anywhere.

You're staying for the whole episode?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Speaking of woods, if you'll pardon me,

I'm gonna avail myself of your woods.

See you in a second, sweetheart.

When we return, I'll show you the perfect way

to display your cakes and pies.

(Grizz) I can't hear you!

Also, we'll be making more sugary sweets!

(Grizz) Oh, baby!

(announcer) This episode of

"At Home With Amy Sedaris" is brought to you by

the fine folks at Confederated Sugar--

eat more sugar-- eat it.

?

Oh, hello, I was just stuffing my gingham bonnets

into this trunk.

Crafting, or creative hoarding,

is the art of not having any artistic ability.

This is Crafting Corner.

? Beads and things and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons and bows ?

Welcome back to "At Home With Amy Sedaris".

Tonight, we're sponsored by Confederated Sugar.

(Grizz growling)

Are you okay?

I'm crashing.

Well, why don't you relax while I do this?

All right, you go ahead.

Okay. These are my glass dessert pedestals.

I find these at flea markets or tax sales or sometimes

I'll check the obituaries then loiter outside the house

until they clean the place out.

You'd be surprised what kind of treasure you find

from the recently deceased.

I know my friends are always jealous

when I come home with another glass pedestal.

They say things like, "You sure have a lot of time

on your hands, Amy," and "I hope you froze those eggs, Amy."

Then they go home to their families while I spend time

arranging my glass pedestals, so take that, Mother's Day.

Today I'm going to show you the perfect craft to place

on top of your glass pedestals-- fake cakes.

-What? -Calorie free!

What!?

Fake cakes-- it's a Styrofoam form cutout

covered in Plaster of Paris and latex paint.

Oh, my God! Why? That's an abomination!

That goes against everything we colonized

third world countries for!

-Would you please! -Oh, God, this is so cruel!

I can't believe this. This is ridiculous.

It's, it's like giving a kid a taxidermy puppy.

For this craft you will need two cups of light spackle...

(Grizz shouting) ...you can get this

at your local hardware store.

You're gonna need some Plaster of Paris.

Oh, why, why?

Add that right to the same bowl,

right on top, like so, all righty.

Then you're gonna add some water.

I like to eyeball the water but I'm gonna start

with just a little bit.

-Take your hand mixer, okay. -Tastes vile in my stomach.

And do this as you would a normal cake, like so.

(sobbing) I don't understand you!

Mix it together until it's a smooth paste, all right?

Heretic! Abomination!

Blasphemer, you should be stoned!

Hope you're getting a close-up on this.

And you can just keep doing this for hours and hours and hours,

but my show's only 24 and a half minutes long,

so I'm gonna stop now.

So then you're gonna take the Styrofoam

and you're just gonna frost it

just like you would a normal cake.

Now, this is gonna dry pretty fast,

so you have to be very, very quick.

And then once it dries, you're going to paint it

your choice of color, and you might want to use

a semi-gloss on these cakes, and then, as you can see,

it looks something like this.

-This is criminal. -Beautiful!

-It's criminal. -Now I would like for you

to meet a new guest to the show.

I met her at a hospitality symposium

which focused on napkin folding.

Who isn't thrilled to wipe their hands on a sanitary swan?

She was gonna come on the show to talk to us about desserts

on a budget, but unfortunately, she was too busy,

so we went to her.

Please welcome Cindy Snipes from Windale!

Cindy!

?

Thank you, Amy, now, I'm so sorry couldn't make it out there

for you today. Between the company and the kids

I just had about this much time, okay?

About this much time. (phone ringing)

So I'm gonna make these quick because I have got to go.

-Mommy! -Mommy will be there

in two minutes, okay? (phone ringing, bell ringing)

(dog barking) She's gotta do this segment.

We'll celebrate your birthday next year, okay?

We'll do something real big, real special.

(kids crying) Now let me finish this up.

All right, I'm so sorry.

Okay, now I'm gonna teach you how to make

strawberry shake 'ems.

Now, this is a quick, uh, treat bit that you can have

after a meal or after school, before bed, whatever you want.

(kids crying) But the point is it's quick

and it's economical,

and we all know we are pinching pennies.

What's that saying, count your pennies

and the dollars will follow?

Well, this is the treat you want.

Okay, what you're gonna need is a jam jar and some milk.

It's simple, simple. (kids crying)

Now, you're gonna take your jar, and you know,

because I make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches also

for my kids to take off to school

and I have to work and I need something quick

for their lunches...

-Mommy! -What I do is I save the jars,

and just when I'm about to put them in the dishwasher,

I realized there's still jam in there...

-Mommy! -So, look closely...

(phone ringing) And you can see the jam

hiding in the crevices in what I call the corners.

Now, I know a round jar

doesn't have corners, but you can see the jam is building up.

(dog barking, kid shouting) Knock it in the center like so.

-All right, set this aside. -Mommy!

Now you're gonna fill it with milk,

so you're gonna add the milk, like so,

to the jar and I'm gonna do it three quarters full...

-Mommy! - ...because I don't want use

my milk up, uh, for this segment.

I don't have time to go to the store, as you can see, I'm busy.

-Mommy! Mommy! -And you're gonna shake it

like so, you can do it for a long time

but because I'm busy I can't.

Now what you're gonna do is just sip it.

(cuckoo clock, dog barking) -Mommy!

-Mm! Mm! -Mommy!

Oh, lord, that is so good. (kid crying)

I am so glad that I took the time

to sit here and do this.

-Real quick-- mm! -Mom!

So nice talking to you, Amy, I've got to go

and I'll see you at church on Sunday.

(kid crying) And I love you bunches.

-Mommy! -Okay, mommy is done!

I told you daddy was not coming home tonight

and he's not ever coming home.

Thank you, Cindy, I appreciate you taking the time,

what with your company and kids and all.

What I miss, huh? What are we making?

Whatever it is...

? Add another spoonful to all your dishes ?

? For fine white sugar is granularly delicious ?

? Why would I like?

Why do you keep repeating that?

I'm just saying that a bear would seemingly

have nothing to gain from lying.

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, Regional Wine Lady?

Rumor had it you were doing an episode on confectionaries,

so I brought you the perfect dessert cocktail.

What's with the, uh, walking rug?

He's our sponsor.

? If you're looking for a scrumptious treat ?

? Sugary chews is the snack-a-beat ?

? Why would I-- (keys jangling, Grizz screaming)

Keys! Keys!

So, dessert cocktail.

I call it Candy Nipple,

because you'll be sucking on it all night long.

It's "utterly" delicious.

Don't be a boob, drink one.

And if you don't like, tough titties!

What you do is you make a simple syrup out of sugar and water,

add it to one part triple sec, one part rum,

garnish with a slice of pineapple

and serve it with a rock candy stick

and sugar up the rim. Now I gotta go.

I'm heading out to the Hedonistic Bowling Convention.

We're gonna spend most of our time in the gutter.

(singsong) ? It's Friday night

? I'm gonna get drunk

? I'm gonna get laid

? I'm gonna be late on Monday ?

Toodle-loos!

Is the mean, drunky lady gone?

Yes, she's gone.

Well, that's a relief.

All right. What are we making next?

No, "we" aren't doing anything.

It's time right now to go to the lady who lives in the woods.

The lady who lives in the woods?

Yes, she's going to tell us about natural treats,

you know, nature's candy.

What!? Like raisins and shit?

Where is this lady who lives in the woods?

Well, she lives in the woods.

Can please just do my show?

All right, I'll let you do your show, okay.

I'm gonna go take a little walk, maybe scratch my back on a tree,

you know, something bears do.

? Don't believe those ugly rumors ?

? Sugar doesn't lead to the growth of tumors ?

? Why would I lie? ?

And now the lady who lives in the woods.

? Deep in the forest a lady lives ?

? In a small house that is made of twigs ?

? She's earthy, simple and mostly plain ?

? And what you don't know she will try to explain ?

? She bathes in a creek and she sleeps on a cot ?

? Feasting on mushrooms and apricots ?

? Her bathroom's a hole in the dirt that she dug ?

? Her friend's a racoon and a slimy spring slug ?

? She's the Lady Who Lives in the Woods ?

?

Nature provides us with all sorts of magnificent gifts--

twigs that can be woven into baskets to carry other twigs,

or sticks that can be built

into a shelf to house your twig basket,

or even leaves-- they can be formed into socks.

As a bonus, every fall they change color.

But today we are going to talk about something really special--

sun-made sweets, also known as nature's candy.

(door opens)

I asked Esther to gather from the woods

some of nature's delicacies.

Let's see what tasty treats she found.

Oh, let's see.

The top of an acorn, a grass clump,

and a number of bottlecaps.

This is a pretty meager harvest, Esther.

What do you have there?

It's a butterscotch toffee-ato.

It appears you got your mission confused.

What could have Esther brought back in her sack?

A variety of berries would have been appropriate.

Figs or dates, lemongrass, mint, honeysuckle,

even the sweet inner bark from the poplar tree

would be a better offering.

Luckily I know some other workers who never let me down.

(buzzing)

Bees.

Nature's diligent candy makers.

Now, I'm sure the first concern

when harvesting honey is being stung to death,

but don't worry.

As long as you're not a threat, the bees won't attack you.

Many beekeepers rely on smoke to calm the bees,

but I find positive thoughts and affirmation more effective.

Hopefully, the bees won't misinterpret

my frustration with you as anger towards them.

(buzzing continues)

Greetings, bees.

What an attractive hive you keep.

I honor your queen and rejoice in her fertility.

I respect your loyalty,

the dedication you show to your matriarch.

There's a beautiful lesson to be learned here.

Are you learning it, Esther?

(slurping)

Now, it's time for me to quietly,

and with great deference, remove the golden gift.

(dramatic music)

(loud thud) Yo! Woods lady!

Hey! Woods lady! (banging on window)

(laughing)

(women shouting)

? Sugar doesn't come from a bee ?

? Sugar sugar sugar, deedlie-dee ?

(laughing)

(announcer) This show is sponsored by

Confederated Sugar--

why would you use any other sweetener-- why would you?

?

Welcome back to the show.

Sweets are not only fun to eat, but fun to decorate with.

Take a look at this adorable gumdrop wreath.

? Sugar sugar sugar, deedlie-dee ?

Whoa! A gumdrop frisbee!

Good?

-Mm-hmm! -Yeah?

So, where were you?

You know, uh,

I was out foraging for berries and scoopin' up salmon--

things that bears do.

You know, I know what you did to Ruth and Esther,

and I am over you!

I don't care if you are my sponsor, do you understand that?

And you know what else?

I'm gonna make popcorn balls today.

And you know what I'm gonna use to make it stick it together?

-No. -Agave.

I'm gonna do it with agave.

-No, no, no-- wait, wait. -Yes. After your popcorn

has popped, add the agave from Concord

to the actual popcorn.

No, Amy, Amy, please.

-Please... -Ahh!

Please, please, you don't know these people.

You don't know what they're capable of.

What are you talking about?

These are scary people.

They, they make me wear this bear suit all the time.

You know what it's like to live in a bear costume?

I go to my kid's baseball game dressed as a bear!

And so?

-Yeah, well, we're the pirates! -Okay.

And my wife won't look at me.

You know what it's like to make love in a bear suit?

Actually, I do, but I really don't want

to go into it right now.

Look, why don't you just take it off, Grizz?

I-I can't. They control me.

They got me hooked on sugar.

They control my life!

You just have to be stronger than that.

You can't be their slave. You can do it!

You're right.

You're right, I can be my own man...

-In a bear costume. -Yes, there you go.

Look.

Look, I just steamed it.

No, don't make me.

-Grizz! -No, no!

-You gotta-- come on. -I don't wanna!

-Make changes. -Okay, okay.

-I can't. -Try it.

Okay, oh, God, oh, my God.

One bite, just one bite.

(applause)

There you go-- see?

(gunshot)

What's happening?

What's happening? Who are you?

What's with the denim bag with a patch?

What just happened?

What's going on!?

I want to apologize for that unfortunate incident.

Who are you?

I am from Confederated Sugar.

Oh.

We suspected for a long time

that the bear had some serious issues.

What's gonna happen to him?

Oh, he's going to be sent to one of our ensweetment camps

where he's gonna get all the help he needs.

Nothing for you to worry about.

You should just concentrate on your show.

-Oh. -What are we making?

Well, I was making popcorn balls with agave.

-That sounds delicious. -Yeah.

Agave. You probably could've just mixed

some sugar with some water, but agave should work.

Okay.

You should be careful with that agave.

Why is that?

Kind of nothing to be concerned about,

but recently I read a study linking agave...

to early onset strangulation.

I'd hate to see that happen to a woman your age,

who lives alone.

That's ridiculous.

Why would I lie?

I know what you're trying to do.

And just because you sponsored the show

doesn't mean that you can control me.

Now, I'm gonna make my popcorn balls

and I'm making them with agave.

-It's your choice. -Yes, it is.

I'm gonna help you.

I'm just putting on my popcorn ball shaping gloves.

And, uh, just gonna get out my mixing garrote.

And, oh, yes, my baking tarp.

-Let's make some popcorn balls. -Let's.

Take the agave...

Where you hiding that sugar at?

Sugar Grizz!

Shouldn't you be hibernating at the bottom

of a shallow grave by now?

It seems that your two henchmen underestimated me.

That... and a potent stench that's accumulated

inside this bear suit over the past 17 years.

Well... mostly it was the stench.

Well, I'll murder you the old-fashioned way,

with the bear suit on.

(men grunting, Amy shouts)

(Amy) No! Please!

You want broccoli? Um...

Agave!

It's sticky in my eyes!

I'm blinded!

Oh, God!

Sugar Grizz! Oh, I knew you could do it!

Su-- are you okay?

I don't think I'm gonna make it.

I don't think I could live without--

I don't think I could live without sugar.

You know, there are other things you can consume

that'll help pick you up that aren't sugar.

-Like what? -Well...

Coffee, for instance.

-Coffee? -Yeah.

Yeah.

?

I feel it.

I'll get off sugar, and I'll drink coffee!

I'll never be a slave to food products again!

?

?

We had a lot of fun today. We learned a little too.

For instance, I'll never again agree

to have the show sponsored by a large, evil corporation,

which is why next week I am proud to announce

this show will be sponsored by the good people

at Associated Corn Syrup.

Corn syrup-- night to morn, drink your corn.

Good night.

(suspenseful music)

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