Original subtitles

I love traditional Thanksgiving.

Family, food, and canoeing down

a mashed potato mountain and gravy rapids.

Thanksgiving, tonight, on a very special

"At Home With Amy Sedaris".

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

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You know what my favorite holiday is?

Christmas. Then probably Easter.

But of all the turkey themed holidays, it's still Christmas.

But right after turkey burgers on the grill

for the Fourth of July, it's Thanksgiving.

Who can forget that moving tale of the first thanksgiving?

The young pilgrim couple with child,

searching for a place to stay,

only to be turned away from the Inn at Plymouth Rock,

but eventually coming upon an Indian tribe

called the "La Quinta".

Sadly, they had little food to offer

but for a few loaves of bread.

Fortunately, the couple's child performed a miracle,

turning the loaves into turkey

for the whole tribe to feast upon,

and three days later the turkeys rose again as leftovers,

and that's why turkeys are God's promise

that Americans will never go hungry again.

Today, we are going to prepare a traditional Thanksgiving dinner

with all the trimmings for a special group of friends.

I will show you how to cook a turkey, carve it,

and present it as part of a festive table.

You're not gonna like me today!

Hi, Patty.

My next door neighbor, Patty Hogg.

(applause)

Amy Lou, could you be the good neighbor that I know you are

and bake those pies in your oven for me today?

That's a lot to ask, Patty, on Thanksgiving.

Why don't you use your own oven?

I don't like to use the oven

when Leslie's working on his jigsaw puzzle.

The heat dries out the house and it warps all the pieces.

I can't wait to see it-- it's the "USS Minotaur"!

Twenty five thousand pieces all in nondescript battleship gray.

He started working on it on our wedding night.

He always seems to have a breakthrough

when I'm feeling frisky. Ha-ha!

-I'm his muse. -Patty, I'm about to cook

an entire Thanksgiving dinner in that oven.

You mean you haven't started yet?

We eat in 11 minutes.

You better cook that turkey in a kiln.

Now, I'm gonna leave those precious pies with you.

Don't overbake 'em. I don't like the edges crispy.

That happens to be a pattern of yours, Amy Lou.

Gotta go! (applause)

When cooking a turkey we are all after the same thing--

a tender bird.

But no one can seem to agree on how to achieve it.

Well, as it turns out, in order to ensure a juicy turkey,

it doesn't really matter how you prepare it

but "how you prepare it".

Please welcome to the show noted game bird masseuse,

Darlene Cornish from Asheville, North Carolina.

Welcome, Darlene!

Oh, hi! Namaste.

-Nice to see you. -Oh, thank you, Amy, thank you.

So, Darlene, why don't you take us through your process?

Okay. Um, Amy, I grew up on a farm, and as an animal lover,

I noticed something pretty significant, um,

animals seem tense right before we chop off their heads.

So, I developed this technique

to work some of that tension out before roasting.

I think you can really taste the difference,

I think that's what matters.

Don't just tease us, show us!

Okay, first I'd like to set the scene.

Let's lower the lights a little bit.

Buckles?

And then we're gonna add a little music

just to relax everybody, I just set the stage.

I love this player because it fits in my purse so well.

(soft music playing)

-Oh. It's nice. -There we go.

Next I'm going to... moisten my hands.

And I like to use unsalted butter.

Oh, is there a reason for that?

I have very high cholesterol in my hands.

Well, that makes sense.

And I have asthma in my feet, but that's for another day.

Fascinating, you're all lubed up there.

Let's go ahead and give Tom some privacy.

Tom, I'm going to lift you, I want you to let everything go.

Okay, I've got you, bring you to the pan, okay, Amy, thank you.

And down, and if you can help me out here

by holding a modesty towel for Tom,

give him a little privacy while I undress him.

Not looking, we're all professionals here.

(inhales deeply) Okay.

Now, I like to start at what would have once been

the base of the skull.

-Oh. -Good.

And I'm going to work my way down,

giving special attention to the latissimus dorsi region.

-Okay. -Okay, now,

push... and fan.

Push and fan.

Good. We're gonna work the mid-wing joint-- nice--

through the forequarter section, we're gonna knead

these nice, juicy thighs.

Let it go, Tom.

And then we're gonna knead the breast.

Of course, we're always looking for knots or buckshot.

Either one.

Is that...

That was a mean knot, wow, I know that felt good.

All right, there we go, friend.

Doesn't this turkey look more relaxed?

-He looks practically asleep. -Yeah.

And more importantly, he's full of juice.

Okay. Darlene, thank you so much for coming on.

Darlene Cornish!

Now, let's get this turkey stuffed and into the oven.

Now, I'm often asked, Amy, why don't we ever see you in pants?

I'm going to go ahead and just use this to get out.

Sure. Okay. Watch the steering wheel.

And after that I'm asked, how much stuffing should I cook?

Well, I have a simple rule of thumb.

One fist per person, unless, of course, you're missing a thumb,

and then it's one and two-thirds fist.

So let's just figure this out.

For my dinner tonight, including me, I have six guests,

and you always want to make a little extra,

so that would be eight fist.

Now, we'll just measure the turkey's cavity

to make sure we have enough hole.

Let's see. Okay...

(squishing) ...four, that's three.

Okay.

That adds up to five fists.

Wait a minute-- oh, no!

I'm three fists short!

Thanksgiving is ruined!

Or is it?

I believe the good folks at Fiddleneck Foods

might just have the answer.

(laughing)

Do they have cranberries where you're from?

Oh, boy, here we go.

You'd better fill up on the mashed potatoes,

because I have a feeling

there's gonna be a stuffing shortage again.

I made as much as I could.

Yeah, well, I knew I should have had more stuffing at the office.

They have an office party every year around this time.

Sorry, she'll be right back.

I don't know what he wants from me, Mrs. Bjornson!

I filled that turkey cavity to the brim.

(Norwegian accent) Sounds like you need

a bigger hole.

What?

Have you heard about the Turkey Gouge?

Turkey Gouge?

(harp glissando)

There's no better method to increase

your cavity to turkey ratio than with the Turkey Gouge.

How does it work?

(Mrs. Bjornson) Simply apply the high-grade

aluminum boring implement into the turkey's cavity and crank!

Before you even know it,

you'll have a 24-pound turkey cavity in a 16-pound bird.

Here, child, you take this.

It'll be our little secret.

More stuffing, sweetheart?

I've had three helpings already.

You know what?

I think I'll take some of that stuffing into the office.

(announcer) Fiddleneck Foods Turkey Gouge--

for those special occasions when you need more hole.

Ask for it by name, so people know what you're talking about.

(turkey) Can't wait to be reamed! Ha-ha!

Oh, hello.

While you were away I roasted our turkey

and had some dental work done. (ding)

Once you have a prepared turkey it's time to carve it.

I have a very easy system-- I have someone else do it.

Here to show you how to carve a turkey,

local knife man, Tony Pugnalata!

-Welcome, Tony -Thanks, Amy.

-And happy Thanksgiving. -Thank you, you too.

-You look lovely. -Thank you.

Now, being a knife man,

I have to assume that Thanksgiving must be

the busiest time of year.

Actually, it's, uh, St. Patrick's Day.

Once you put a couple of beers in those people,

the knives really come out.

Oh, well, that sounds fun. So, Tony, take it away.

Okay, I will.

Now, when you're carving a turkey

there are three possible outcomes.

You go down, you both go down,

or you have a platter of delicious sliced meat.

Now, before we get started, just a quick note.

If you purchased a turkey with the head still on, remember,

just like a rattlesnake, even after the head

has been separated from the torso, it is still a threat.

Never let your guard down.

Well, that's surprising. I didn't know a turkey,

even with it's head on, was still a threat.

-Read your history books, Amy. -Oh!

When the British first settled the colonies

it was not uncommon for a single wild turkey

to take down an entire pack of pilgrims.

Well, that doesn't seem like a culinary knife.

What kind of knife are you using, Tony?

The kind with the serial numbers filed off.

I like to call her Daddy's Girl.

Um, all right, when I carve a turkey

I always use a knife with a thumb grip,

it prevents the knife from sliding up on ya during a jab.

I keep my knife arm extended away from the body

so I have at least three feet of protective range.

This... is reaction time.

I keep my other hand covering my neck

to protect the vital arteries.

Then, in a quick lunge...

-I go in for a kill strike! -Oh, my goodness,

you did that.

Yeah, yeah, when you do that right there, now.

Hitting the legs first has two benefits.

It opens a path to the-- uh, to the breast,

and also guarantees that your turkey is immobilized.

Wouldn't roasting it for nine hours

pretty much guarantee it's immobilized?

Yeah, it's playing possum, Amy.

They are known for.

All right, then, before I move into the breast

I like to isolate the wings.

Block and trap a wing and in a stabby, pointy motion

get it pointy in there, get it pointy--

and in it goes, in it goes.

It goes in.

And... (grunting)

This one fights.

The power of flight is no longer available to him,

but he doesn't know that yet, you know,

like when you step on a spider and it doesn't know it's dead.

Okay, sometimes... (bones cracking)

That's one of the things about undercooking,

the tendons stay, stay strong.

There you go, now you can get that isolated like that,

off it comes, it's so simple.

All right... (bones cracking)

Get right in there.

Yeah, this is not for the faint...

(Amy gagging) ...of heart, there you go.

Both wings are off, there you go...

-A beautiful display... -There we go, now...

Look at that.

That's a beautiful... beautiful underbelly's exposed,

all that's left to do is march right in there...

pounce, and remove that breast.

You pounce more? I mean, this is probably enough.

Nope! You want to create maximum slabs,

so what you're gonna want to do is... stab!

And pull back. Stab! And pull back.

Stab! And pull back, and there you go,

that's pretty much all there is to it.

Wow, I'm just exhausted.

Thank you, Tony, and, uh, that's really a beautiful,

incredible job and, um,

I believe I'm going to be seeing you for dinner.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I hope so.

-That's really great. -And just hang out?

Yeah. When we return, my guests arrive

for a special holiday Thanksgiving feast.

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My dinner is prepared, my table is set,

I have on my eatin' dress, all I need now are my guests.

(doorbell rings) Well, I wonder who that can be?

-Hello! -Why, it's everybody!

Come on in!

(Patty sniffing) It's so good to see you all.

Hi, there, Patty, where's Leslie?

I am runnin' loose tonight! Ha-ha!

Thanks for the warning.

Chassie, that dress is beautiful on you.

You know, I have one just like it.

Chassie!

Sorry, I just didn't have anything nice to wear

that I was willing to spill on.

It's okay, it's so big on me anyway.

And at least you brought a covered dish.

It's actually to take leftovers home in.

You all know Winifred Snood, our town librarian.

Our library contains over 37 books

on the ecological niches of the red legged thrush alone.

Oh, fun!

-I didn't know we had a library. -Oh, I've been there many times,

to use the bathroom-- destroyed it.

(chuckling) Tony. All right, everyone,

why don't you have a seat?

I'd love to talk to you about renewing my library card.

(loud clinking)

Before we dig in, I would like to say a few words.

(all sighing deeply)

All right.

Now, on this thankful time of year

I would like to say you're welcome.

Thanksgiving has always been very special to me

as a dry run to Christmas.

But I'm glad you're all here, and I surely hope

that you enjoy this meal.

Now, to take us through our holiday feast,

please welcome local Research Triangle Park announcer,

Chad Chutney-- get out here, Chad!

(applause)

(deep announcer voice) Thank you, thank you.

We have...

a shiatsu and sage roasted Tom turkey,

buttermilk mashed potatoes,

corn bread stuffing,

skewered, singed green beans,

and a boozy bourbon cranberry sauce.

Oh... (applause)

Thank you so much, Chad Chutney.

-Wow. -My pleasure.

Say, since I'm here, maybe I could...

stick around for dinner.

I'm sorry, all we have is enough stuffing.

I hope you choke on it.

Tony, do you want to get things started?

Perhaps before we eat we can go around the table

and express what we're grateful for.

Why don't we just keep that to ourselves?

Now, Tony, do the honors, please?

(gobbling, thud on window)

(all gasping)

That large turkey flew straight into my window!

That's not just any turkey, that's a speckled waddle.

W-why would it do that?

It must have been lost.

Unlikely.

Typically, the speckled waddle is a keen navigator.

If it hits your window, it was aiming for it.

Then it was insane.

(gobble, loud thud) Ooh!

What is happening?

Maybe it was a murder-suicide, a lovers' quarrel,

it happens all the time.

They must not have seen the window.

Are you kidding me? Those windows are filthy.

This was no accident.

Those birds knew what they wanted,

and what they wanted was in here!

The beans?

(gobbling)

There's one sitting in front of the fireplace.

Well, I didn't invite it.

(wings flapping)

They're coming in through the chimney!

(shouting) Oh, block it!

Turn the ceiling fans on!

They're everywhere!

(all shouting)

(dramatic music)

No! The floors! The carpet!

Oh, dear.

Bring in a beehive!

We'll kill them with bees!

Amy Lou, block that chimney!

Chassie, help me get the--

(gobbling and screaming) ...put it in front of it!

Push it! Get it up!

They will follow the dominant bird.

Find the leader!

Dominant bird!?

How the hell are we supposed to find the dominant bird!?

God help us!

It's there! It's over there!

There he is!

(gobbling and screaming)

(dramatic music)

(thud) (gobbling)

(panting) Go, go...

It's working!

Oh, it's like they wanted to kill us!

Oh, my God, they pecked her eyes out!

(dramatic music)

(Amy) Oh, Patty!

Wh-what? What's happening? What's happening?

-Your eyes! -Oh, I know, they're puffy,

so I applied these beet disks to reduce the swelling.

Oh, don't worry, Patty, we're going to get through this.

Oh, they're not swelling because of the turkey attack,

they're swelling because you put too much salt in those potatoes.

You're supposed to season the potatoes with salt,

not melt ice in the driveway.

Okay.

(gobbling and wings fluttering)

They're swarming.

Why don't we just stab them all?

There are over five species of wild turkeys.

Besides their numbers, the wild turkey,

or MeleagrisGallopavo, was heavily muscled

and could grow to be four feet tall.

It could be like fighting an enraged female gymnast

if they had a sharp beak and the intellect of a celery stalk.

They're gearing up for another attack.

We have to do something.

There's very little we can do now.

You see, when the settlers first came to the new world,

they thoughtlessly encroached on the wild turkey's habitat.

Things got worse when the settlers decided

that the turkey would make a popular lunch meat.

It turns out the bird's worst crime was that it was delicious!

Today only one thing keeps the modern turkey

from exacting revenge.

-Bear traps! -Hot glue.

-Lack of thumbs? -Uh, uh, pass.

It's the freezer.

Nowadays the turkeys we eat are killed on farms

where there are no witnesses.

Then after they are killed they are flash frozen.

By the time the turkey is thawed and cooked,

the murder trail has gone cold.

Amy Lou, where did you get that turkey?

I sent Chassie out to the local Hammily Wagilies to buy it.

Chassie, you did get it from the frozen case

in the poultry section, correct?

Funny story, actually.

I lost the money you gave me for the turkey when I spent it.

-Chassie! -Hear me out,

on narc-- essities.

Chassie Lou, where did you get the turkey?

So I had a few too many necessities

which made my driving erratic,

and I took a wrong turn into this wildlife preserve.

Suddenly I lost control and I hit something

and I was sure I killed it.

At first I thought it was human, so naturally I kept going.

But then I realized it was a turkey,

so problem solved.

Everything worked out for the best.

Oh, by the way, your car's in a ditch.

You brought a fresh turkey into this house?

Someone tell me I didn't hear that.

You've just signed our death warrant.

You brought this into this house.

It came with you, you're the cause of all of this.

I didn't do anything wrong,

aside from stealing money, getting high,

and wrecking her car.

What's the big deal? It's a fresh turkey.

Now they have someone to blame.

It's her they want! I say we give her to them.

We just have to stick together,

I'm sure we can come up with something.

There might be one way out.

-Nail gun. -A burlap sack filled with rocks

then drowned in the river. -Blackmail?

Uh, uh... pass again.

No, no, no, listen.

Perhaps if we could convince these marauding turkeys

that their brethren was unharmed and we give him back,

they might let us be.

Maybe they won't notice the missing head

or the butter baste.

Ooh, and we can slice open this pillow

and glue the feathers on him.

And I just happen to have...

this box of bird beaks. (clattering in box)

Oh, but the turkey's missing a leg.

Tony!

What? I'm starving.

You expect me to eat those salty potatoes?

That was our last hope, we're doomed.

No we're not.

Let's remember that I'm a crafter,

and I can make a realistic turkey from scratch.

Godspeed, Amy Sedaris.

All hope rests on your sloping champagne shoulders.

Hey, if you're gonna make a fake turkey,

can I just finish this real one?

-Knock yourself out, Tony. -Right on.

?

Hello, and welcome to an emergency session

of Crafting Corner.

? Beads and things and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons and bows ?

I'm tasked with perhaps the most important craft of my life!

A festive, yet life-saving Thanksgiving turkey.

(groaning)

Okay, feathers.

(industrious music)

How many legs does a turkey have?

-Damn it, woman. -I'm going as fast as I can!

Oh, Amy.

I pray to God I haven't let you down.

Amazing.

My mouth is watering just looking at it.

Good God, I can't tell the difference.

Let's just hope the turkeys can't either.

(turkeys gobbling outside)

It's do or die time.

Okay, here's the plan.

I'm going to open the door,

you all are going to distract the turkeys,

and I'm going to leave this outside, got it?

Copy that.

Ready?

(dramatic music)

(Amy screaming)

(dramatic music)

What the fuck?

I thought you were supposed to be distracting them!

(all) You were talking to us?

Who the hell do you think I was talking to?

This is the last time I count on you for anything!

How can I even say you're my friends?

Look at me!

Look! It's working!

They're leaving, the turkeys are leaving.

It's a Thanksgiving miracle!

It's a miracle.

Oh, look!

What?

(loud clinking)

I'd like to make another toast.

-Hear, hear. -Go ahead, Amy Lou.

A few moments ago I thought I'd never speak to you people again,

and after some reflection and a few glasses of wine,

I realize on this day of thanks

that even though we've had our ups and downs,

I still have gratitude that you people are my friends.

You see, friendship is about giving and receiving,

and when it comes down to it,

I wouldn't trade you people for anything in the world.

Not for anything.

Imagine how salty the potatoes are now.

So here's to you, my friends.

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(glasses clinking)

Hello. This is Hits and Misses,

where I point out what went right and what went wrong.

First, hits.

Good friends, fine foods, an extra hole.

Misses-- salty potatoes, the turkey plague,

and a pretty rough case of avian bird flu.

I must say I've learned my lesson-- no more turkey.

This Christmas I'll be serving ham.

Good night.

?

(Amy sighing)

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