Original subtitles

(all laughing)

Oh, hello.

I'm having a small dinner party.

I've made spaghetti with marble-sized meatballs.

Whenever you throw a dinner party

it's important to keep a few simple things in mind.

Keep the conversation light, the music low,

and always assume someone is going to die.

(man) Oh, my God-- Stuart's choking!

Oops. (chuckling)

What a great opportunity for me

to make a quick yet important point about hospitality.

You see, when you invite guests into your home,

not only are you responsible for their good time,

but also for them leaving alive.

He's turning blue!

I'll be right back.

(Amy grunting)

-What are you doing? -Oh, well, he's talking,

which means his airway is clear.

I'm not Stuart!

Oh, an honest mistake.

Tonight-- Hospital-tality,

on a very special "At Home With Amy Sedaris".

(crunch) Mm!

?

Oh, hello. Welcome to "At Home With Amy Sedaris".

This show is about hospitality-- the act of welcoming guests

into your home so you don't have to go to theirs.

Now, most guests are short-term

and leave once the liquor runs out.

But there's another kind of guest, and that is

the kind of guest we're focusing on tonight-- the sickly.

I'm going to show you how to take care of an unwell guest,

how to set up a sick room,

prepare nutritious food and entertain.

Later in the show I'll be putting all my words

into talking action by caring for an actual ill-ard.

First we're going to start by preparing nature's antibiotic,

chicken soup!

To help me make it I've invited from Captain Bligh Elementary,

my former grade school nurse,

please welcome back to the show Alice Brittlecrunch!

-Hello again, Amy! -Alice, it's such a pleasure

to have you here.

Let's make soup!

First thing we're going to do is create a rich broth

by boiling a chicken carcass.

Now, you know, Alice, I don't know how I ended up

with a successful homemaking show.

Lord knows I probably spent more time in your office

than I did in home ec.

Oh, I did see a lot of you.

Uh, speaking of which, did you ever recover

from those mysterious bouts of...

(whispering) vaginal bleeding?

-What? -I'll never forget how you

used to come into my office regularly--

stomach cramps, trouble downtown.

We'd staunch the flow,

every time I thought we'd found a remedy,

but you'd be back about a month later,

exact same issue, like clockwork.

-Okay, well, I'm fine now. -I'm glad to hear it.

Okay, well, why don't we chop our vegetables?

Now, Alice, you're a nurse, tell me,

what kind of items are good to have around

when you're caring for sick people in your home?

Ginger ale, saltines.

An alibi if things go south.

-Not that I've ever needed one. - Yeah, of course not.

Usually it just came down to their word against mine.

Okay. Let's finish chopping our vegetables

so we can add them to the broth.

Ow! Oh, no! I cut my finger!

Oh, let me take a look at that.

I don't think this is serious enough

to keep you from doing your show.

Alice, I didn't say that.

I know how you people are always looking for an excuse

to get out of doing what you're supposed to.

Well, not on my watch, little Miss.

There you go.

Keep the pressure on, hold it above your heart.

(sighing)

Doesn't this feel like the old days?

You'd wander into my office and I'd patch you up

and send you back to class.

By the way,

are you still seein' that Brian Dunsworth

"Get Your Fun's Worth" the Dunsworth?

Alice, that was the sixth grade.

I really thought you two were going to make it.

I heard you went to second base.

Okay. Alice Brittlecrunch, everyone!

(applause)

-French kissing leads to mono. -Okay.

Alice, thank you so much, I feel better.

Now, let's prepare that sick room.

?

As you can see, I've created

a warm, safe environment for my guest--

comfortable bedding, a side table with tissues, water,

and various medications.

I think we're ready, so now I'd like to welcome my sick guest

and friend of the show, Chassie Tucker!

(coughing)

Chassie, oh, my gosh, why don't you tell us what ails you?

Oh, um, God, just chills and fevers and um,

itchy lungs, dizzy stomach.

Chassie, I was told you were seriously ill and you seem fine.

(sighing) I'm not going to spend

my valuable time during my special show on hospital-tality

feeding and bathing someone who isn't even sick!

I've never done this before

but I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Uh, uh...

-I'm blind. -What?

Yes. I'm temporarily blind.

Oh, my goodness-- what are you talking about?

Who's there?

It's me, Amy.

Where am I?

You're in my living room.

-Amy... -Yeah, Chassie, tell me,

what's happening, what's wrong?

Well, I was volunteering at an...

animal shelter and I was so worried that the w-wild cats

would scratch out my eyes

that I hid out with the dogs where I caught a canine virus

and it spread from my chest up to my eye sockets

and then in a-- oh, in a horrible, ironic turn,

my eyes, themselves.

Oh, maybe you should be in hospital.

What? Uh...

No, no, no, I just need to

stay off my eyes for a few days.

-I think you should stay. -Okay.

Here, let me get a robe on you so you won't catch a chill.

There you go.

Don't go anywhere, hold on.

All right, let's get you in there.

All right? Okay. There you go.

All right, when's eats? Also, I'm gonna need the remote.

Chassie, I thought you couldn't see.

Oh, uh, well, yeah, but I just want to

give my eyes something to aspire to.

Okay, look, before we do anything, as your caregiver,

I need to ask you a few questions.

Can't we just watch TV...

with our ears?

Lookit, I'm doing a show about taking care of sick people,

and by gum, we're gonna do things by the book, okay.

How often do you use alcohol and tobacco?

Would you say socially, moderately, or heavily?

Oh, that's a tough one, I guess I would say

moderately heavy when socializing,

heavily moderate when not socializing,

and heavily continuous all other times?

Okay, and have you lost any work due to your illness?

I'm planning on it-- look, are we done?

Lookit, I'm just trying to help.

I appreciate it, Amy, but the only way

I'm going to get my eyesight back

is if I exercise my eye muscles, so if you don't mind,

I'm going to work them out right now.

(click, TV playing) Ah! We're not watching TV,

we're recuperating. (chuckling)

When we return, we'll continue to look after our guest.

Also, I'll take you through the perfect

hospital-tality craft.

(click, TV playing, Amy sighs)

I've prepared my sick room, I've made my guest comfortable

and I'm holding all the items I need to make

an appropriate craft.

Now all that's left is to wait and see if our guest recovers.

(Chassie laughing) Sounds like she's coming along.

Chassie, what are you doing?

Why are you laughing when you're supposed to be healing?

Well, after all, isn't laughter the best medicine?

No, Chassie, if it were, clowns would be doctors.

Is that the sound of two D batteries

being removed from a remote?

Yes, yes, it is, Chassie.

You can't take away the TV, it's my only friend.

I-I-I don't want to be alone, Amy.

Don't worry, Chassie, I'm taking care of the situation.

? Beads and things and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons and bows ?

Today we'll be making a simple craft that the sick can use

to alert their caregiver if they need anything.

You mean, like screaming?

I mean tea bell. (bell dings)

Now you'll never be alone.

For this craft you will need a small can with a tight lid,

small change, a few teeth, and some contact paper.

First, you're gonna cover the can in paper.

I'm gonna use white and then we'll make a cross

using two band-aids.

Can I have the remote back?

Your TV privileges have been revoked, Chassie,

would you please hand me those scissors?

They're right there, to the left.

Chassie, you aren't even trying-- counter-clockwise.

It's the only thing left on the table-- I'll get it.

Okay... (groans) Now, what we're gonna do

is we're cut the paper down like so.

Chassie, you're going to peel off the edges.

My assistant, Britney, has already

peeled down the edges for you to make it easy on me.

We're going to cover the can,

if you can get a close-up on that.

This is why contact paper's good and not construction paper.

You're going to take an unused band-aid,

and this is where the fun part is,

you're going to form the sign of a cross, like so,

and you want to save these tabs

to make paper fingernails for children.

You're going to put a quarter or a tooth or a button inside--

anything that's going to make a loud noise--

I'm going to use a quarter. (coin clatters in can)

And then when you need that quarter for laundry,

you'll know, here it is.

Put the lid on it and you're gonna seal it.

(tapping)

And here you go, Chassie.

(quarter clattering) Yes, Chassie?

I would like the remote back, please.

Absolutely not.

Another way you can do it is you can add...

(clattering)

-Give me that. -Oh!

Another way you can help the ill heal

is surround them with love,

so I took it upon myself to invite Chassie's family.

-Wait-- what? -That's right.

No, no, no, no, I don't want them here.

Chassie, you should sit back and relax because it's too late.

Please welcome Chassie Tucker's family--

mother Terry Tucker, her sisters Tammy and Taffney

and Granny Tucker.

I'm gonna step out to give you a little bit of privacy.

(mama) Oh...

Chassie, my baby, mama's here.

We were just on a family outing to Tweetsie's Railroad

when we found out you were ill.

And when I heard that my little girl was sick,

it just made me sick to my stomach.

Of course, the corn dog and the tilt-a-whirl

might've contributed. (laughing)

But the point is, I'm glad to be here, and you got nothing

to worry about because we're all here to take care of you.

Mama, she can't understand you, she's got "dem" eyes.

(snapping)

I can hear you just fine, mama!

Oh, okay, well guess what?

We brought you an apple funnel cake.

What happened to the rest of the goddamn funnel cake!?

There's no way to know.

Mom, just-- come on, give her the paper and let's go.

Well, look at you, all fancifying,

just layin' in the lap of luxury,

with your wall posters and...

steps that go both ways,

and the tassels hangin' off of them curtain rows.

Yeah, and she had a mailbox out there, mama,

she can actually get mail in it.

Granny, what do you think about Chassie's good fortune?

(tapping)

All right, calm down, granny.

Cut the hump out of your back and stuff it down your throat.

Mama, the dog's gone out. Can we move this along?

Would you just shut it and pipe the goddamn down

and let me handle this! (dog barking)

Will you do that, Taffney? Will you?

-I'm just sayin'. -I don't give a sweet

rat's hairy behind who says what to whom

for what reason where or why.

Just shut your chalk hole!

Baby, how are you doing, huh?

I'm doing fine, mama.

You know, honey, one of the reasons we're here

is to make sure that your financials are safe.

And in order for us to protect them right,

we all felt that it would be best for you to sign over

anything you have of value to us, your family.

And that way we can make sure they're good and taken care of.

Huh? Remember our lawyer Pudge?

Pudge! (dog barking)

Nice to see you again, Miss Chassie, and I would like

to say, even with your...

condition, you're still as lovely as a pie bear.

Would you just get on with it?

I was talkin' over your

grave situation with your family at Tweetsie's Railroad,

and we all agreed what would be best.

So I drew up some papers for you to sign

while we were on the chairlift to Miners Mountain.

All you have to do is sign 'em, and what you don't have to do

is not worry about your possessions no more.

Mama, she can't sign no papers, she's blind.

Yeah, but you can put the pen between her toes

and just let her sign that way, okay?

Okay.

I ain't signing nothing, mama!

I haven't even seen you for 15 years!

Darn it, you can't goddamn see me now.

You don't care about me.

You've never believed in me, that's why I ran away,

and made something of myself, unlike you, mama.

You are a goddamn tramp!

We came all the way from a theme park to watch you die

and this is the thanks we get.

Yeah, big TV star-- you can't even hand out

some scraps to your family?

We have an all afternoon pass and at least 45 minutes

of daylight left and all I wanted to do was tend

to my sick daughter and then bury her remains.

Just get outta here!

I don't want ya here and ya ain't getting nothing of mine,

ya hear!?

This isn't even my house anyway.

Oh, all right, we're gonna go.

But when you die, don't call us.

And don't think we're not gonna take nothing

for the gas we used.

Come on, granny.

Just take the fish.

This is the ugliest house I ever saw in my life,

you piece of shit.

(dog barking) Jesus Christ, hurry up!

Chassie.

Chassie.

Chassie. Chassie.

Chassie, Chassie, Chassie.

Chassie, Chassie, shh.

Chassie. Shh, okay, okay, shh. Okay.

I'm so sorry.

I thought that would be more comforting.

Why don't I go make us a nice cold cup of hot warm tea?

-Amy. -Yes.

Make mine a double.

(softly) You got it.

?

(snoring)

I find peppermint tea with a little honey to be a soothing

and comforting concoction for the bedridden.

And if I really want to give it a boost, I add a little whiskey.

Did someone say whiskey?

Regional wine lady?

(applause)

Ha-ha! I understand you're playing nursemaid to the feeble.

Well, I'm trying to.

Well, if constipation's an issue,

I have the perfect blend to get things moving.

Just mix together a touch of cayenne pepper, prune juice,

a little pear brandy and then garnish with a raisin.

I call it the Loosey Doucey.

Mmm! Ahh!

Mmm!

As good going in as it is coming out!

Well, time to skedaddle.

I'm going to get drunk and have sex with strangers.

I call it the Hooch Smooch.

(singsong) ? It's Friday night

? I'm gonna get drunk, I'm gonna get laid ?

? I'm gonna be late on

(both) ? Monday ?

See you around like a donut.

Hey, Chassie, come on.

Who's there?

Chassie, you know who it is.

An elderly, bare-knuckled boxer?

Come on, Chassie.

Ooh, a hard-living steelworker.

-No. -The taloned claw

of an anteater?

Lookit, I'm just gonna tell you.

No, no, don't tell me.

I need to learn how to do this for myself.

A child mummy? Crinkly cut French fries.

A spiny tailed iguana?

-It's me, Amy. -Oh, right.

Right, okay, I need to flip you over.

No, no, no, I'm quite comfy.

No, Chassie, I don't want you to get bedsores.

I've only been laying in bed for eight minutes.

Come on, work with me, there you go.

Ooh! Ow!

-Leave me alone! -Chassie, what is going on?

I'm just trying to help you.

Look, I'm not temporarily blind, okay? I never was.

What!?

-Oh, that reminds me. -Oh, my God!

You need to hide this doll filled with drugs

before Ramone gets here.

Oh, God!

Because if he comes here and sees you with that,

he's going to kill everything in sight.

Chassie, I am not getting involved in your squabbles.

That ship has sailed.

The fact is, Ramone is on his way over here right now

and he's looking for you.

Me!? Well, that doesn't make any sense!

-Why would he be after me? -Who knows?

Maybe I told him or he could have heard it from me

or it might have been something I said to him.

What difference does it make?

He's on his way here right now

and you better have some answers for him.

Chassie, what is going on?

It's simple.

My landlord locked me out of my apartment

because I owed him a few months rent.

He wouldn't give me my stuff back

so I broke into his place,

took everything out of his fridge, and stole that doll

filled with drugs.

Well, why don't you just give him his drugs back?

Because I accidentally did most of the drugs.

-I'm calling the cops. -Amy, you can't call the cops!

This phone is a prop.

(banging on door) Oh!

Who is it?

This is ridiculous.

I cannot believe you get me involved in all these problems.

(growling)

Can I help you?

My name's Ramone. I'd like to speak with you.

When we come back, we'll meet our very special,

unexpected guest on this very special

"At Home With Amy Sedaris".

Can I offer you anything? Coffee? A light pastry?

Mixed nuts? You know, I have my own homemaking show.

Shh! Ladies.

You have something that belongs to me,

and I want it back.

We don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know what you've heard about me,

so allow me to, uh, elucidate.

I run a string of rental properties on Street Street.

Most days when you see me I'm there to plug up a gas leak

or maybe switch out the rodent glue traps.

But, if you steal from me...

(switchblade clicks)

You'll meet someone entirely different.

An evil incarnate, mayhem and villainy borne flesh.

A nightmare...

born into this world, gasping for air.

So, um...

How many bathrooms you got?

One.

One? For all this square footage?

I could get you into a new unit today.

1-1/2 baths, wall to wall carpet, bike storage

in the basement, it's cable ready.

I'm fine here.

Well, it doesn't really matter because, uh,

I'll probably kill you anyway. Where's my doll?

Listen, if we give you what you're looking for,

will you leave us alone?

Of course.

Why wouldn't you trust a man who hides his drugs in a doll?

Don't do it, Amy, he's a vicious sociopath.

Not to mention try getting ahold of him

when your toilet is clogged.

Excuse me, so I'm the bad guy here?

Even after it's posted up there in the laundry room,

you people still insist on flushing your sanitary napkins

down the crapper and it's up to me to plunge you out?

You know, I should kill you just for that.

Okay, everybody just calm down.

Listen, Ramone, I'm going to take you for your word,

but I think you should know this whole thing is being broadcast

on television to millions of viewers watching right now.

Millions?

What difference does it make, Chassie?

-They're still watching. -Watching?

All right, just get my doll, huh?

(dramatic music)

There we are, yes.

Drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs.

Drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs.

It's a little light.

Ladies, why don't we go someplace

where the cameras aren't so, um, watchy?

I thought you said you weren't going to hurt us.

I lied.

You know, I can't think of anything worse than a liar.

-I'm also a murderer. -Oh.

Oh, yeah, now, that, that's worse.

Hey!

What-- I'll kill you!

When I find you I'll kill you!

Okay, Chassie, it's up to you now.

Lead us to freedom.

Are you crazy? I can't see a thing.

-We're doomed! -You're wrong, Chassie,

you can do it!

You're our last only best chance.

What are you talking about?

You just spent 20 minutes pretending you're blind,

you know what it's like.

Use your gift. (Ramone shouting)

All right. Hold on to me.

I'll lead us to the front door.

Hey, I hear you talking about the front door.

I'll meet you there, so I can murder you.

We're almost there.

Chassie, you're doing it!

(door creaking)

(Amy) We did it-- freedom!

Oh, my God, where are we?

Oh, your tiny enclosed porch with the craft supplies.

I don't have a tiny enclosed porch, Chassie.

(flashlight clicks) We're in my craft room closet.

We couldn't be farther away from the front door-- you idiot!

(Ramone) Hey, guess what I found, ladies?

(both gasping)

Guess what else I found?

A fire iron.

Now I can stab one of you and crush the skull

of the other one. (chuckling)

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Are you in the kitchen?

(both) No, we're not.

Shh!

We have to think of something.

Um, I choose the skull crush.

No, I mean a way out.

(glass shatters, struggling outside)

(door creaking)

(fanfare)

(mama) Chassie!

It's mama!

Wh-what are you doing here, mama?

We were watching you get murdered on the TV.

Wait-- w-what happened to Ramone?

Granny stomped him.

(laughing)

Oh, mama!

Oh, I got my baby back and I ain't never gonna let her go.

You just try to get away.

Mama, you know if we leave now

we can still catch the two for one on the spine flume.

(softly) Gotta go.

(softly) Yes!

Family.

Well, you know, Amy, all in all

I'd say this was a pretty good episode.

Was it, Chassie?

You lied to me about being sick,

you let a murderer into my home,

your family emptied out my living room, and I found out

I'm paying way too much for the square footage that I have.

You seem upset.

Why don't we go to commercial?

Well, as it turns out, this was a pretty good episode.

You see, all I really wanted was to show you

how to take care of a sick person in your own home,

and now I can. (coin clattering)

How's my patient?

That old lady really did a number on my internal organs.

Well, you did try to murder her granddaughter.

We're about out of time, but remember,

a sick guest makes for a happy host.

It's time for your sponge bath!

We'll start in the basement.

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