Original subtitles

(suspenseful music)

Oh, hello.

It's almost time for the show to start.

I'm a little late, so I'm taking a shortcut

through the old, forgotten cemetery.

(xylophone playing)

That's strange.

(xylophone playing scale)

That's odd and strange.

(upbeat music)

? We're bones, we're bones, singin' bones ?

-? I'm tenor -? I'm bass

? I'm baritone

? Clickety-clackety, dry as stone ?

? Singin' the skeleton song

? Singin' and dancin' skeletons ?

? Swingin' femurs and shakin' shins ?

? I can boil you down to make gelatin ?

? Singin' the skeleton song

(music stops)

I mean, not that I would, it's just...

Five, six, seven, eight!

? Scapula, clavicle, mandible ?

? Humorous, radius, carpal

? Tibia, fibula, metatarsal ?

? Singin' the skeleton song

? Sell you at a pet shop as a dog chew ?

? Hollow you out to make a ka-zoo ?

? Use you in a ritual voo-doo ?

? Once people and now just things ?

(music stops, Amy screaming)

?

?

Tonight we're celebrating Halloween,

also known as Scary Christmas.

I'll be creating a Halloween menu of fanciful costumes,

spooky decorations, and a deliciously

spine-chilling feast.

Monster mashed sweet potatoes, brown gra... vy.

Pasta Fa-ghoul.

And as always, my regionally renowned, scary feet loaf.

My foot-shaped meatloaf is a personal Halloween tradition.

I make it every year, do a show,

and then stay in and watch a scary movie.

This year is footage of my nephew's French horn recital.

To tell us more about Halloween traditions,

legends and lore here in the Research Triangle Area,

I've invited our town historian, Edwin Chuzzlewit.

(applause)

-Welcome, Edwin. -Happy Halloween.

(chuckling) Happy Halloween to you.

So, tell us please, Edwin, how do you know

such gosh darn much about the Research Triangle Area?

Well, I've spent a lot of time at the local library.

I've read all of the pamphlets at the tourist kiosk.

I have some unorthodox methods.

Such as?

Well, I woo elderly widows.

You would be amazed at the stories that they have to tell.

Speaking of, are you available?

Oh, well, I'm not elderly or a widow.

My mistake.

Here is a written apology.

Oh. Oh, well, I'll read it another time.

- Sure, any time. - Yeah, sure.

Thank you so much, so what can you tell us about

the history of Halloween here in the Research Triangle?

-Well, Edith-- -Edith?

One of my elderly widow confidants,

she tells me that many years ago, before the children

would go out trick or treating,

they would all gather together in the local square.

-Oh, for a parade? -Kind of.

Dressed as scarecrows,

they would spill out into the woods and throw rocks at ravens.

"Raven," of course, was slang for homosexuals.

Oh, well, it sounds like fun!

And did you know that there is a lot of Halloween history

right in this very house?

-No! -Mm-hmm.

According to Beatrice, an energetic octogenarian,

one Halloween, many years ago,

the host of a previous hospitality show... died

on this very set.

-What? -Some believe it was murder,

others say homicide-- all we know for sure

is that she was killed.

Well, that's terrible! Did she live?

Not according to her autopsy.

-Well, what happened? -I said too much.

Okay, fair enough.

-Edwin Chuzz-- -If you must know,

it was a night much like this one.

(vocalizing thunder)

Did you just make a thunder sound with your mouth?

I did-- I do all of my own sound effects.

(whispering) The widows really enjoy it.

Oh. (Edwin shrieking)

-A creaky door? -No.

-Okay. -Guess again-- ready?

(shrieking)

A mouse caught in a trap?

No, really close, hear it, hear it this time-- ready?

(shrieking)

Yeah, I really-- I don't know what it is

but it's very good, very good.

-Thank you. -Yeah, sure.

-So, you were saying? -As I was saying,

many years ago on a night very much li--

You know what it was? It was an 18th century concertina

with minor water damage.

Listen to it now-- ready? (shrieking softly)

Oh, sure, yeah, no, I, I hear, I hear it now.

(applause) Yeah.

-After you hear it. -Yeah.

-As I was saying. -Yeah.

It was a night very much like this one...

in this very house.

('50s theme music)

(applause)

Welcome to the Loretta Biscuit show.

I'm Loretta Biscuit.

Tonight we're making a Halloween classic-- pumpkin pie.

(Edwin) Her name was Loretta Biscuit.

She was America's homemaking sweetheart.

Of all the gourd-based pies,

pumpkin is my favorite, and the most festive.

(Edwin) Then, one terrible Halloween,

during her segment about pumpkin pie,

Loretta heard a knock at the door.

(Edwin vocalizing knocking)

Trick or treaters!

(Edwin) She assumed it was

trick or treaters, but what stood on the other side

of the door wasn't children,

and what it wanted wasn't candy-- it was murder.

("Psycho" music)

But also a little bit of candy.

First he cut her bangs,

or so it was assumed-- they never found her head,

but what they did find was worse--

a pair of heavy shears sticking out of her headless corpse!

Some say her soul will never rest.

-Well, who says that? -All the cool people.

Every Halloween Loretta haunts this very stage

to exact her revenge upon those

who would replace her.

Oh, how I don't envy that person!

Well, let's see, wait a minute-- two plus two is four,

carry the one ca-- wait a minute-- that's me!

I should go.

Host lightly.

(suspenseful music)

Edwin Chuzzlewit, everyone.

(applause) Let's head over to the kitchen

to prepare some Halloween treats.

(suspenseful music)

(theme music)

Witch weenies-- the perfect Halloween snack

for the ghoul on the go.

First, boil your hot dogs.

Now, I have mine here.

This is where it gets fun.

You want to splay the bottom of the dog in quarters--

here's a good example right here.

(loud thud) Huh, now what can that be?

Hello?

Oh! My portrait!

-My scream! -Amy Lou?

Oh!

I was eavesdropping on you and I heard you scream.

Look!

Ah! I've been wanting to stab that painting of you

for a long time.

Oh... I didn't do it, I, I just walked--

Now, don't get hysterical.

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation

why there's a pair of poultry shears

stickin' out of that horrible likeness of you.

Such as?

Uh, maybe magnets or gravity, I need more information.

All I know is the woman before me was murdered here.

Oh, Loretta Biscuit?

Now, I don't recall her being murdered.

I believe she died of natural causes.

You know, it was the natural outcome of being stabbed

in the chest and having her head cut off.

(doorbell chiming)

Oh, an angel!

Look at her! Oh, so sweet and innocent.

Bye, Nutmeg!

("Flight of the Bumblebee")

(Patty) You help yourself

to whatever you want.

Trick or treat!

You're my little angel.

Oh-ho! Look at that.

Straight from heaven.

Oh!

Toodle-loos, I'll see you at home, Nutmeg.

(door shuts)

Well, don't look at me!

You shouldn't have been so chintzy with the treats.

Look, why don't we just continue with the show?

Weren't you going to do a segment on large pumpkins?

I am, and I have it standing by on the porch.

Wheel in the pumpkin!

(trumpets fanfare)

Set it right there on the floor.

This is Hickory, my new farmhand.

-Mm-hmm. -Hi.

Very good, Hickory,

now I want you to go straight back to the orchard,

do you hear me? No stops!

Wow, that's a big pumpkin, Patty.

Big? Have you not seen the headlines?

This is the largest pumpkin in the Research Triangle Area,

winner of the blue ribbon and lifetime membership

to Cobb County Country Club.

How did you get 'em so big?

Well, you start with big seeds and you put 'em in a big patch.

Once you get a big pumpkin,

you mate it with another big pumpkin and so on and so forth.

Now, of course, problems can arise with all that inbreeding.

I had some of my prize winning gourds develop pumpkin dysplasia

and had to be put down,

and then, of course, there are the ones that, uh, drool.

(doorbell chiming)

Oh-ho! Treaters at the door!

Make sure they're not two-timers!

("Psycho" music)

(screaming)

?

I'm sorry, I have some bad news.

Is there a last will and testament?

No, she's... still alive.

Does that affect the will?

Oh, for cryin' out loud, Chassie!

Put a plug in it!

Please, give us the bad news, Dr. Radish.

I'm afraid Amy has suffered severe psychosomatic trauma

to her fight or flight response, or...

(whispering) Hysterical paralysis.

She may never think that she can walk again.

Hey, gal. Don't you worry,

we're gonna have you up and out of that chair in no time.

Um...

I want you to take two of these a day,

they're for anxiety, okay?

And I've got you a two month supply,

and they're gone.

(gulping)

Well, I'm gonna leave you in the capable hands of, of...

that person.

-Oh. -Hey... good luck, Amy.

Thank you, doctor.

I'm sorry?

Oh! The costume.

I usually dress up as a pirate

and I threw this together at the last minute.

Well, I gotta go, I got a gastric bypass.

I'm never gonna dress up like a doctor again.

I'm gonna miss the parade.

(old woman whispering) Miss Amy.

My name is Thelma, and you gotta get some rest.

All you need is some rest, some rest.

No, Thelma.

I promised my viewers at home that I was gonna deliver

a Halloween show, and by gum, I'm gonna do it!

(whirring, thud)

(whirring)

Nothing says Happy Halloween quite like a meatloaf,

or in our case, a dismembered feet loaf,

a spooky spin on an American classic.

And to help me put this foot in our mouths

is our good friend, Chassie Tucker.

(applause) Hi, there, Chassie!

First thing we're gonna do is we're gonna add eggs

and breadcrumbs into the meat that I have in the bowl

and mix it all together.

So why don't you get in there, Chassie?

You need to add the eggs to the meat

to make the feet loaf, yes, you, Chassie.

Um, okay.

-What, keep-- -Right there.

-This one? -Yeah, there you go.

And you're gonna add just two--

not too many, two.

(chuckling) Okay.

Then what you're gonna...

I don't get this.

Now it's time to add your breadcrumbs.

So once you've got the eggs into the ground beef

you're gonna add the breadcrumbs and you're gonna knead it.

The breadcrumbs-- there's nothing in that bowl.

Breadcrumbs! We don't need more egg.

And you're gonna add 'em right on top.

Now, I made my breadcrumbs last night.

There you go.

(coughing)

Okay, and now you're gonna knead it really well,

bind it all together, get it thoroughly mixed.

Once the ingredients are folded in,

it should look something like this.

And what you want to do is you want to use onions for toenails.

And plenty of ketchup for blood.

There you go, you have to hand it to the feet loaf,

a hauntingly delicious Halloween meal.

(applause) Now, I'd like to thank

our old friend Chassie Tucker, and she's gone.

Of course, my favorite part of Halloween

is the carving of the Jack-o-lantern.

To help us carve,

I've invited our neighborhood knife man, Tony Pugnalata.

Tony!

? (wheelchair whirring)

-Welcome, Tony. -Oh, hello.

(applause)

And Patty, who brought her husband, Leslie.

He's dressed like Peggy Lee nine years in a row!

-He should just stay in it. -Could I?

Halloween comes early every year.

He starts getting dressed up like this in June.

I've spent more time with Peggy Lee than Peggy Lee.

Now, Amy Lou, I brought Leslie over to see

if he had a fix for your mental issues.

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Now, I know you're frustrated sitting in that chair, Amy,

but your legs aren't the problem.

Your problem is up here.

Speaking of which, at some point could I borrow that wig?

-It's my real hair. -Are you sure?

It looks like a mid-quality synthetic lace from here.

No, it's mine.

The point is, Amy,

if you want to get out of that chair,

you have to make the decision to get out of that chair!

Listen to him, Amy Lou, he is one of

the finest maritime psychologists on land.

Now, most men get all strange when they dry out,

but not Leslie.

He took to land like a duck to water.

Well, maybe we could just get back to the pumpkin,

is that possible?

So, Tony, what have you been up to?

Well, I've recently gotten into scrimshaw.

-Oh... -Ahh, the noble seafaring art

of carving pictures into whalebone.

Your mother clearly has an admiration for nautical crafts.

My mother was hanged!

This is my husband, Leslie.

Okay, Tony, why don't you take us through the pumpkin carving?

Of course, Amy, first you're gonna need

the proper tool for the job.

I think Darlene will fit the bill.

Uh, you're gonna want to start by slicing around

the pumpkin's dome-- you want to be firm

with that first deep knife strike.

(Amy gasps)

'Cause that really sets the tone.

And once you've plunged your blade deep into

what I like to call the forehead zone of the pumpkin,

work quickly, make a circle using a frantic sawing motion.

-Oh, holy Jesus. -Look at him go.

Next you want to remove all the brain meat.

Now, what I like to do is I like to bake them in a pan

with a little bit of olive oil and coarse sea salt

and then I towed them down to the orphanage in Havelock.

Oh-ho, the kids love to see me come!

-They call me the Seed Lady. -They do.

Next you're gonna want to cut the eye holes.

This is my favorite part because the pumpkin can finally see

what it is that I'm doing to it.

Truly a master blades man.

I really like where you put the eyes.

Well, it's true I have a real nose for faces.

Speaking of which,

yours I would have carved completely different.

Can we just get back to the pumpkin, please?

No, you listen to him, Amy Lou,

I've been telling you that for years.

Your eyes are too narrow, you look like a flounder.

Okay!

(Tony) All finished!

Oh, but what about the mouth, Tony?

I believe that pumpkins should be seen and not heard.

Huh, okay, well, there you have it.

I want to thank Tony the knife man for carving our pumpkin

and Patty for providing the pumpkin and Leslie for--

I just want to remind everyone I'll be performing as Peggy Lee

at the Pumpkin Ball over at Fatty Pancake House

off of Newburgh. The show starts at 11,

but truth be told we usually don't go on until about 11:30.

Tell 'em the Colonel sent you.

? Beads and things and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons and bows ?

Pipe cleaner plate spiders-- simple and fun to make.

What you're gonna do is you're gonna take

four pipe cleaners, like so,

you're gonna fold 'em over,

you're gonna knot it off to make the head.

You're gonna fan out the legs.

Then you're gonna clip off, uh,

the pipe cleaner ends to make it a smaller,

but where are my shears?

Hello, Amy.

-Edwin. -Looking for these?

I heard about your terrible accident from the widow Dorothy,

she's outside in the car. (vocalizes horn beeping)

I'll be right out!

Amy, I'm worried about you.

Do you really think that all of this

is worth it for a television show?

You should get out now while, while you still can.

Oh, I can't leave my hit TV show.

Amy, I think you're making a mistake.

You don't owe anything to anybody.

(vocalizing horn beeping)

I am coming, woman, put a cork in it!

Huh!

You leave her be.

You don't care about Miss Amy!

But you're wrong, Thelma, I only want what's best for her.

Hmm, I don't trust you, Mr. Chuzzlewit.

I know you're up to something,

and I'm gonna listen with my ears

so the things I hear you say to find out what it is I heard.

(mouthing words)

Then you better be careful

of the words that come out of your mouth

when you're saying those things

that you believe that you heard.

And what are you gonna do about it?

(whooshing) Maybe you should go, Edwin.

Yes, perhaps I should. I can see that my visit has...

upset you and you need to stay calm.

Wouldn't want you to... lose your head.

Go on, now, shoo!

(vocalizing thunder and horn beeping)

Here I come.

Miss Amy, don't let that snake oil salesman

sell you any bad ideas, you hear me?

Now, you sit here and relax. I'll go to the bathroom

and get you a warm, cool compress for your head.

(sighing)

(screaming)

?

You're doing the right thing, Amy.

We're going to get you in a nice, quiet home

where you can get your strength back

and take comfort in the fact that your homemaking days

are all behind you.

Oh-- I forgot my bag in the craft room.

I'll be right back. You stay here.

(loud footsteps)

(Edwin chuckling)

Well, well, well.

Now I've seen everything!

I know what you're up to.

You're wrong, Thelma, I'm not up to anything.

It was you the whole time...

trying to scare Miss Amy.

You put her in that chair!

You better keep your mouth shut, Thelma.

I'm gonna tell everybody what you did.

Just what did I do, Thelma?

You've been behind it the whole time--

the stabbing paintings, the rolling heads,

trying to spook Miss Amy so she'd leave her show.

Well, I'm gonna march down those rickety old stairs,

an old, clumsy woman with a drinking problem,

and tell everybody what I seen.

(softly) Wait, wait.

-Good-bye, Thelma. -Hmm?

(chuckling)

(whistling)

It was you the whole time-- why?

It's simple. I'm a real estate developer.

Real estate?

You think town historian pays for all of this?

(chuckling) No.

It turns out that this studio sits

on a rather valuable piece of land,

and the only thing standing, or rather, sitting,

between me and turning this building

into a different building is one

annoying homemaker hostess.

You're crazy.

That's what the doctors say.

But, I tried to do it the easy way,

and you just wouldn't go.

-Googly eyes! -Oh, my eyes!

Ah!

(Edwin shouting)

You can't evade me forever!

That thing has limited battery life.

(Amy shouting)

(dramatic music)

(Edwin moaning)

(gasping)

(crackling)

And so this game of cat and chair-bound mouse

comes to a close-- you knew it would end like this!

(laughing)

(screaming)

(metal scraping)

This part might sting!

(Amy screaming)

(clank, whirring and squeaking)

(xylophone plays)

(loud thud)

How fitting-- he was squashed by a squash.

We'll be right back.

I collapse.

?

Trick or treat!

I've got a princess and a pirate and a cowgirl

and a werewolf and a scarecrow and a zombie!

(cackling)

Bye!

Well, we had a lot of fun this Halloween,

at least until all the murdering started.

I hope you enjoyed yourself.

Before we go, please enjoy this performance by Peggy Lee.

Peggy?

? The toe bone's connected to the foot bone ?

? The foot bone's connected to the ankle bone ?

? The ankle bone's connected to the hip bone ?

? Once people, now you're just things ?

Oh, Leslie!

? The foot bone's connected to the ankle bone ?

? The ankle bone's connected to the thigh bone ?

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