Original subtitles

(announcer) Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the "At Home With Amy Sedaris"

15th Anniversary Special!

? If they could see her now, this short and spunky doll ?

? She's mixing and she's measuring and making chow ?

? Oh if her exes could see her now ?

? They'd never believe it and it's time to see her now ?

? If they could see her thing ?

? She spends time stapling

? She's cutting and she's gluing and she's scrapbooking ?

? Her sauce is thickening-- you'll never believe it ?

? If her fans could see her now ?

? She has a stew stewing

? She'll mix in anything

? She's whisking and she's sifting and she's drizzling ?

? She's just made a roux-- the oven's self-cleaning ?

? Is it time... to... start... the... ?

? Show...

(announcer) Yes, it is!

And now, without further ado, please welcome the one--

? It's time to start the show ?

? Oh yes, let's go go go

? Just sit back and relax and eat pistachios ?

? Come on what are we waiting for ?

(announcer) Well, if you'd let me speak

without interrupting, I'd be happy to tell you!

Can you do that? Can you do that!?

We're celebrating 15 episodes of crafting and--

? She has a kitchen there, a living room right here ?

? A craft room and a bathroom and a comfy chair ?

(announcer) Shut up! Shut your mouths!

Those aren't even good rhymes!

Now you're just listing things!

"And eat pistachios"?

You should be ashamed of yourselves!

(tympani rolling)

And now, finally,

the hostess with the pot-roastest...

Oh, that's a good rhyme?

(announcer) Amy Sedaris!

(applause) ?

Thank you, Peppermill Singers!

Fifteen shows! Can you believe it!?

When we started this little experiment 15 episodes ago,

all we had was a crazy dream.

Also a set, a crew, a production office, full catering,

an on-set doctor, a network with loose pockets, a guarantee

of 15 episodes and access to Hollywood's best and brightest.

And look where we are now! Who could believe it!?

We've had so many great memories over the last 15 episodes.

I wish we could show you every one of them,

but that would take 15 shows.

So, instead, we will look back at our most memorable moments.

In addition, tonight, I'll show you how to prepare

for your own anniversary celebration party.

Also, to commemorate 15 shows, I'll be making...

15 cupcakes.

While I gather the ingredients, why don't you watch this clip

from our very first episode 14 shows ago?

Buckles, roll it!

? Wait till you see this clip full outstanding quips ?

? From the first show just 14 and go what a trip ?

? Just wait till you see this clip-- you'll never believe it ?

(Amy) Stop!

We're showing a clip!

Well, okay, can we just roll it?

(1950's theme music)

Hi, Amy! What are we making today?

Well, that's a terrific question, Bucky.

Today we are making a cake.

(gasps) Yay! I love cake!

Yeah, I know you do,

and do you know what kind of cake we're gonna make, Poppy?

-Chocolate cake? -Gosh, strawberry shortcake?

-Uh, upside-down cake? -Bunt cake?

-Devils food cake? - No, why don't I just

tell you what kind of cake we're making?

I don't know, why don't you tell me?

Okay, we are making a birthday cake!

Yay! (applause)

Okay, well, we're here to help.

Okay, so what we're gonna do

is we're gonna add a stick of butter--

I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it!

I-- I can reach.

All right, well, make sure you put it in this big, empty bowl.

(Poppy groaning) Are you having trouble?

No. (groaning continues)

Okay, just be careful because that's glass.

Butter-- oh-- I can't reach it!

Why don't I just do it?

Yep, a stick of butter right here--

No, I'll do it, I'll do it-- (Amy screaming)

Oh, oh, no! No! Ow!

-Thank you. -Okay, now we're gonna add

two cups of sugar on top of the butter.

Oh, let me do it, let me do it.

-I think-- okay. -I got it, I got it--

No prob-- no prob-- I got it.

I got it.

-Maybe you need some help. -I got it, see?

-You're not even close. -Yeah, I got it.

-Okay. -I got it!

-Okay. -Got it.

(bowl breaks) So here's the hand mixer--

No, I'll do it, I'll do it-- no, no, I will do it!

-Hey! -Stop! Stop!

Damn! I think you broke my wrist!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

-You're killing him! -Oh, yeah, looks nice

and creamy and buttery-- oh, yeah!

There you go!

And we'll be right back after these messages.

(Poppy) Oh!

So much has changed since those early shows--

appliances have been updated, hairstyles have been up-do-ed,

puppets have unionized,

but one thing that hasn't changed is everything else.

(bell dings) I find cupcakes are

a perfect way to celebrate any occasion.

Now, what I've done is I've baked 15

to commemorate tonight's special occasion.

I've invited a special guest to help me frost them.

Please welcome Susan Sarandon.

(applause)

-Amy! -Susan! Look at you!

And you, look at you! (Amy chuckling)

And congratulations on 15 episodes, oh...

Thank you so much.

You know, in honor of the achievement of 15 shows,

I have brought you 15 beautiful cupcakes.

Oh, my goodness, look at those!

-Yeah. -Yeah, but Susan,

we're about to frost 15 cupcakes.

Oh, well, why can't we just

put these cupcakes with those cupcakes?

Well, how many would that make, Susan?

I mean, you could do math, right?

-What? -How many would that make?

Your 15 and my 15, how many would that make?

-Thirty! -Thirty, that's right, 30.

Now, does that make sense for a 15th show anniversary?

Susan! (chuckling)

Oh, no, no, I guess it doesn't, Amy.

No, it doesn't make any sense.

Let me get those out of your hands right there, okay?

Careful, they're very beautiful cupcakes.

I got it, okay... crazy... (chuckling)

Oh, my gosh, 30 cupcakes.

If there's one thing I've learned starring in 15 episodes

of a hit TV show it's this-- mistakes happen.

(grinding teeth) Not yet.

Try as you might, no matter how much you rehearse,

things go wrong-- a craft won't come together,

your souffle refuses to rise, a drunk guest brings you

15 things of something you already have.

-That's me! -Okay, nice job.

-Thanks. -Mm-hmm.

So while Susan and I frost our anniversary cupcakes,

why don't we take a fun look back at some

"At Home"'s most memorable blunders.

Buckles?

?

(sizzling)

Oh, no! (audience laughing)

Goodness! I think I need my glasses.

I got more batter on the floor than the waffle iron.

(screaming)

Boy, it's really wedged in there.

(groaning)

(screaming)

The perfect garnish for this sandwich is a pickle.

Now, I'll just dig one out with this... this fork.

And I'm gonna place it on this plate with a sandwich, okay?

Oh! God darn it!

Whoa!

(screaming)

(laughing and applause) Gosh, that was a fun look back!

It was classic kitchen mishaps.

Tell me about it.

Unfortunately, Susan, we ran out of frosting,

so I am whipping up a new batch.

When we return, we'll head over to the craft room

to make party hats!

(whirring)

Oh, no, my expensive earring dropped into the batter!

Here, fetch it out with this.

(suspenseful music)

Thanks, Susan.

Oh, God! (screaming)

Oh, no, God! My arm's off!

Oh, I'm so embarrassed!

We'll be right back!

(announcer) You're watching the "At Home

With Amy Sedaris" 15th Show Anniversary Special!

And now a heartfelt message from Patty and Leslie Hogg!

Okay, the cameras are up and look what I did today!

We've got A and we've got C, okay?

Both of 'em are gonna pick up your face.

(clearing throat) All right, let's go.

Three, two, one, action!

Amy Lou! Patty Hogg coming to you on remote,

broadcasting live from Leslie's den.

Say hello, Leslie.

-Ahoy, Amy! -That's enough.

Happy congratulations!

Fifteen episodes! How do you do it?

Ha! I don't even know what your show's about,

other than 24-1/2 minutes too long!

Ha! I do know you better change the lighting.

It makes you ten pounds heavier.

Oh, wait a minute, I've seen you in person--

you are ten pounds heavier!

I've said too much, I've said too much.

Anyway, congratulations! And cut!

Well, aren't you a Jabber Jerry?

My land, I couldn't get a word in edgewise!

Does everything have to be a one-man show with you?

Come on, Lesbo, I want you

to change those birdfeeders-- they're bone dry!

Let's go! (music and applause)

Thank you, Patty and Leslie, for that heartfelt message.

You can't throw a proper celebration

without celebratory hats.

After all, how would your guests know they're having a good time

if their hats didn't indicate it?

To help me make hats I've invited another special guest.

Please welcome Michael Stipe!

(applause)

-Welcome, Michael. -I'm happy to be here, Amy.

-Well, you look terrific! -Thank you.

And what's this you're holding?

In order to celebrate your 15 episode anniversary,

I brought you 15 cupcakes.

Oh, well, there must be a sale on cupcakes somewhere.

I-- I don't know, somebody gave me those.

Oh, okay, well, they just handed you 15 cupcakes?

Um, actually, it was nine--

I cut a few in half to round it up.

Oh, well, that was very thoughtful.

So, Michael, do you do much crafting?

-Uh, sure. -Okay, and what was

the last thing that you crafted?

I made Persian themed throw pillows because I love tassels.

Oh, I love tassels too, but why tassels?

I could tell you but I wrote a poem

that pretty much sums it up.

Oh, okay, well, could you recite it for us?

Tassels are facile and never a hassle.

Hung from your curtains makes home a castle.

Flawlessly fluffed tufts of loose-flowing thread.

Carefree on one end, knotted at the head.

A perfect metaphor for the way to live life

simultaneously, secure, and casually blithe.

So for the perfect adornment, tassels I suggest.

Tie back a drape with style and zest.

Dangle from a mortarboard or twirl from your breast

like Sultan affixed them to shoes and a vest.

For a frill or a trimming, tassels are best.

(classic music, applause)

(chuckling)

Well, that does sum it up!

So, Michael, well, why don't we make some party hats?

Anyone who's a regular viewer of the show knows

I've gone through my share of crafting assistants,

so while Michael and I keep working on our hats,

let's take a look back

at some of my former crafting helpers, shall we?

Buckles?

-So, Abby, I understand-- -Oh, oh, it's Greta.

Oh! Sorry, Abby.

I understand that you're a bit of a crafter in your own right.

Oh, yes, I enjoy making crafts, but for old people.

Oh, for old people, that's interesting, that's very sweet.

Yeah, I find that they are less judgmental

and it helps to set the bar pretty low.

Oh, interesting.

I craft things for children for a similar reason.

Oh, do you have children?

I can't have children,

that's a very rude thing for you to ask...

-Oh, I'm very sorry. -In front of hundreds of people.

I-- I didn't know you had fertility problems.

I didn't say I have fertility problems, okay?

I have emotional problems. All right.

So, Millie, why do you like owls?

Oh, I love owls, because I hate field mice.

Field mice? Why is that?

Because they broke up my first marriage.

Okay... ready?

So, what do we do first?

Well, I was about to ask you that before you, you know,

started rambling on about that mouse.

I thought there was going to be more to that story,

but apparently there isn't.

Gilligan and I will be cutting snowflakes.

Now, Gilligan, have you heard that every snowflake is unique?

I have heard that, Amy. Science.

Have you heard building a snowman is a call for help?

-No, I haven't. -Oh, yeah, you know,

they say, scientists, that when you build a snowman,

what you're really trying to do is build a friend.

-Well, isn't that touching? -Thanks.

What you're gonna need here

is you're gonna need some sandpaper, which you're gonna

cut into shapes and you're gonna need some crayons and,

of course, some very sharp scissors, okay?

I wonder if these are gonna be sharp enough.

We are gonna pick images of owls that we like

and then we're going to make broad cuts

with this paper cutter.

Now, it's important to make sure the blade is extremely sharp.

We are gonna take a piece of construction paper,

draw a pattern on it, and cut the pieces

with this utility knife.

Should I take a piece of construction paper?

Why don't you take a piece of construction paper?

I think that's a terrific idea.

-Okay. -Now, you want to make sure

that the utility knife you're using is extremely sharp.

Are you insane!?

...green, that's like--

What is wrong with you?

Thank you, Abby.

When we come back, wig making.

Well, that was a fun look back.

It reminds me, it's so hard to find good help.

I'll bet.

All right, Amy, I have my hat.

-What's next? -Okay, well, to finish off,

in honor of your poem,

we are going to attach a tassel to the top.

So let's pick out a tassel and cut it to length.

Now, why don't we make them one nose yard?

And to do this you're going to need a box cutter.

Now, be sure that your box cutter is sharp,

to avoid accidents, so, Michael, would you mind

focusing on a spot on the wall, please?

(sighs) It's okay-- never mind, Michael.

All right, everyone! Michael Stipe,

and when we return, more celebration.

(announcer) You're still watching

the "At Home With Amy Sedaris" 15th Anniversary Special.

And now, a message from

the Ladies Who Live in the Woods!

Hello, Amy. Artemis and I--

-And Esther. -And Esther, would like to

congratulate you on your 15th show anniversary.

Well done!

I believe anniversaries are not to be taken lightly,

because they remind us of the dedication one has

towards the things we love.

That's why I was very careful to remember your anniversary,

because I know what it's like to be on the other side,

forgotten, sitting alone

at a table watching the beeswax candle burn down

as it eliminates the now cabin temperature

seaweed and pinecone stew lovingly made from scratch.

But this isn't--

But this isn't about me or my suffering.

This is about you and your achievement.

Fifteen shows!

To commemorate, we put together a bouquet of 15 wild grasses

arranged in a tree bark vessel.

Now, I say "we"...

but Esther didn't show up for the either.

Do you remember that, Esther?

Or did you forget you forgot?

No, I remember that I failed to recall what I shouldn't have

omitted when I forgot to remember.

I'm pleased, but given the dire nature of our situation,

Esther is still able to achieve wordplay.

Anyway, Amy, Artemis and I--

-And Esther. -Just wanted to tell you,

congratulations, and we're so happy to--

(Artemis squawking) It takes two!

Happy anniversary!

We're so happy to be part of this show.

Thank you, Ruth and Esther and Artemis--

you guys are always such fun.

You know, I've learned over the past 15 episodes

one of my most popular dishes to make

is my regionally famous lil' smoky cheeseball.

Now, here's a funny thing about cheeseballs.

Although they are a party favorite,

they're also a disaster waiting to happen.

Let's take a look back at some of the unfortunate fates

of my precious cheeseballs. Buckles?

(weak clapping)

?

Okay, just lift it and...

(gasps, audience laughing)

Oh, Connie, I have a--

(overlapping conversations)

(Amy whispering) You're so sexy, yeah...

-Oh, God. -Oh! Lenny!

No, it's not what it looks like!

-I'm gonna kill ya! -Lenny, no!

Oh, God, no, Lenny!

Oh, Lenny! You're hurting it!

You're an animal! You're an animal!

You know, the craziest thing about doing 15 episodes

is being sober through most of it,

but fortunately tonight's celebration

just got more festive.

Please welcome our Regional Wine Lady, Ronnie Vino.

(applause)

Thank you, Amy.

In honor of this historic occasion,

I brought you a little special celebratory somethin'.

It's like champagne but with more pain.

What I did is mix a box wine with a tankard of sodee.

To give it an extra boost, I poured in vinegar

and baking soda, topped it off with a splash of elderberry,

and then shook it for 15 episodes.

Careful when you pop that cork--

it can shoot the balls off a rhino.

(cork pops) Well, gotta go.

I'm riding the party train to Passout Junction.

Guess which care I'll be sittin' in?

The cabooze!

(singsong) ? It's the 15th show

? And I gotta blow

? I'm dressed head to toe in... denim ?

See you round like a donut.

Thank you, Regional Wine Lady!

Doing this show has been so magical,

but never more so than our 10th episode.

Let's take a look.

In order to successfully throw a dinner party,

it takes a bit of magic.

So tonight I have the perfect guest

helping out, Lance Henning.

-Illusion! -Oh, ho!

Lance, I've got-- Oh!

Magic for you, Amy.

Oh, my goodness-- poof!

Now, Lance I have to prepare an elegant meal for six guests.

Now, every dish has to come out at the same time.

That's quite a trick.

Here's the menu-- roast squab, string beans,

au gratin potatoes, and a chocolate cheesecake.

Now, can you help me out?

Oh, oh, oh!

(disco music playing)

I take that as a yes!

Oh, my goodness.

-Amy. -Yes.

You know what I've always been fascinated by?

Potatoes.

Now, let's look at this very empty tray.

(Amy) Oh...

Whoa! Oh, my, and they're hot!

-And ready to eat. -Check it off the list!

-Illusion. -Yes.

Unbelievable.

Now, I believe you said the next thing was roast squab?

-I did. -Okay.

-Oh, there it is, there it is. -Okay, there it is.

-Okay. -Yeah.

And now...

What are you up to?

(dove cooing, applause)

-Oh, you love that bird. -I love this bird.

Now, keep your eye on the squab.

Uh-oh, no, Lance!

Now, Amy...

Which one is the squab in?

And what temperature do we roast the squab at?

450 for ten minutes and then we'll turn it down.

Last question.

Is this hat too formal for dinner?

I don't think so.

All right, then. Be free!

-Oh. -Ooh, oh, oh.

What-- wait.

Hold on, if that's the raw one and the empty one is...

Oh, good God, oh, God.

Oh, oh!

Lance Henning, everyone!

Amy, you picked the wrong one!

Well, I'm sure your bird's going to be fine.

As it turns out, the bird wasn't fine,

but it died doing what it loved.

Well, we've almost come to the end of our celebration.

I wonder why we haven't heard from

our good friend Chassie Tucker?

(phone ringing)

Hello?

(Chassie) Amy?

Chassie!

I just wanted to say congratulations

on your 15th episode.

I wish I could be there, but I am visiting a sick grandmother.

Listen, um, I was wondering, does the show have a lawyer,

like someone on retainer that could kind of help me

get my grandmother's affairs in order?

(woman) You have 30 seconds remaining.

(Chassie) Okay, thank you, grandmother.

I think she wants some more soup.

Um, anyway, yeah, my grandma really needs help

because I think she's gonna be sick, uh, they're saying

one to three years, uh, possibly six months with good behavior.

(woman) You have ten seconds remaining

to complete this call.

Okay, grandma, uh, look, um... just-- just have the lawyer

call me back at the assisted living facility,

the number is 5621-The Jail.

-Thank you. -Okay, well, thank you,

Chassie, that wa-- (busy signal, dial tone)

That was a phone call. (chuckling)

We'll be right back.

(announcer) You're continuing to watch

the "At Home With Amy Sedaris" 15th Show Anniversary Special!

?

? It is the end of the show, let's say good-bye and go ?

? We had laughs and tears and claps and cheers ?

? And highs and lows

? Watch the credits roll-- you'll never believe it ?

? It's the end

? Of... the... show... ?

(announcer) Wrong! Amy still has

something to say!

Oh, you know, we had a lot of fun looking back,

but I'd like to say that we couldn't do this show

without people like you.

When I say "people like you," I mean Janeane Garofalo!

Oh, the pleasure's mine, Amy, the pleasure is mine.

You have brought me so much joy over the past 15 episodes.

Oh, so sweet.

Which is so crazy, because when you told me the idea

for the show I thought you were an idiot.

(Amy chuckling) A middle-aged has-been idiot.

A bemused what's-her-name, pipe dreaming idiot.

-I got it. -The unhinged personification

of a horse and buggy struggling through the night,

looking for a castle in the air.

Do you have a point, Janeane?

I did.

Middle-aged-- middle-aged has-been,

middle-aged has-been...

I know what it was!

After watching the standout clips from the last 15 episodes,

here's what I know.

-You have got it, girl! -Oh, Janeane!

You did your own hair and makeup for the show, right?

-I did. -To end the show,

would you join me by us singing a song?

Let's go.

?

? We're nearly close to done, 15 has come and gone ?

? We're wrapping up so raise a cup and drink it down ?

? Gonna hit the john and then we're leaving ?

? So it's time... to... say... good ?

? Night... ?

-Good night! -Good night!

(applause)

? She just said good night, so let's turn off the lights ?

? This is really it, it's time to quit and that's all right ?

? We're available starting now-- and we'll work weddings ?

? And our price... is... ?

? Nego-tia-ble... ?

(announcer) Dear God, have some dignity!

That's just blatant pandering!

Good night!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0