Original subtitles

?

Oh, hello.

I was just re-arranging furniture in my dollhouse.

I had originally planned to gut and renovate

the downstairs bathroom in the main house,

but midway through my contractor's suddenly

impossible to get hold of.

Contractors-- they're like bad boyfriends.

When they're looking for action they're all hot and heavy.

But as soon as you commit, they're like, "I got another job

that's a lot younger."

Unfortunately my contractor is also my bad boyfriend.

Tommy, I'm sorry I lit your bed on fire,

but you won't answer my calls, you changed your number.

I will not be ignored, Tommy.

Anyway, instead, I decided to focus my energy on my dollhouse.

Dollhouses are all about the accessories.

For instance, this adorable bent wood chair.

(thud) Tommy? Is that you?

(hissing)

Whoa!

(screaming)

Makeovers-- tonight on a very special

"At Home With Amy Sedaris".

?

?

Hello, again.

Makeovers, or wanting the things you have but better,

can be a magical, transformative experience.

Tonight on the program tips on turning tired,

saggy rooms into perky, youthful spaces.

An interior design expert

will give my home a complete 20-minute makeover.

And later, the editor for "Better Shelters and Sheds"

will be stopping by to shoot it for the cover!

But before we start re-upholstering the grout

and re-wiring the tile,

let's catch up with our good friends,

Patty Hogg and Chassie Tucker!

(applause) Oh, so happy to see you guys!

Oh, what happened to your chins?

Wh-whatever do you mean?

At least two of them are missing.

You look like a snare drum with beady eyes.

What are you two talking about?

This is the same face I had last episode.

Might be the same face, but it's a different part of your skull.

I think it's so sad when people change their looks

to chase society's standards of beauty.

True beauty comes from the inside.

Yes, I did get a little bang trim.

You two need to be kept on a short leash.

You're like a couple of senators' wives.

Do I have anything in my teeth?

-Nope. -Well, as you know,

today's show is all about makeovers.

Do you two have any stories of makeovers?

Well, I'm sure you're aware Leslie has financial stake

at Godfather's Seafood House over there by the boardwalk.

Well, it needs a complete re-do, renovation tuck.

Really, why?

It's set during all you can eat crab night.

Now, as is traditional,

the Matre'D went down with the restaurant,

and 11 lobsters escaped back to sea.

Now, the upside is,

all fugitive lobsters were hunted down and delicious!

Now, you know how I love a long-neck lobster.

You know, all the meat is in the neck.

How about you, Chassie, any new... projects?

Hmm, oh, yes, I'm turning the trunk of my car

into a mobile pet clinic.

I'm focusing mostly on de-worming.

Well, don't you need a license for that?

Dogs don't know the difference.

Well, those sound like projects.

Well, I guess we're all gonna be busy.

(thwack, boing)

(Patty) My land! Mudslide!

It looks like your face is migrating south for the winter!

They should have used a stronger epoxy!

(laughing)

Oh, no!

My age appropriate face is back!

Have you ever seen such a thing!?

I have got to go, ladies,

I've got a Compost Club meeting this evening.

It's Italian night-- bring your own rotten tomatoes.

I said too much.

Oh, land, have mercy!

(applause)

(shivering)

I'll be first to admit makeovers are not my strong suit.

Luckily we'll be getting expert advice from my first guest.

Please welcome regionally renown interior designer,

Darius Von Hassock!

(applause)

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, well, this is awkward.

Our first guess is apparently detained.

What am I supposed to do, overhaul this place myself?

?

? I wish I had an expert who could tell me ?

? What I need to do

? And then do it

? What kind of rugs that I should lay ?

? Bathroom tile, green or gray ?

? Within budget ?

? Oh take this couch and move it there ?

? And grab a chair and bring it here ?

? New bookends now, how about a pair ?

? Just make it happen, I don't care ?

? As long as there's no work at all for me ?

Oh, this is silly!

I can't spend the whole show lamenting my situation in song.

I mean, I could, but I ran out of lyrics.

The fact is, I have a photo shoot to prepare for and really,

how difficult could redecorating be?

You know what?

Let's do it!

To warm up, let's start with the smallest room in the house--

the bedroom closet.

First order of business, I'm guessing,

is remove all this clutter.

Ugh! What was I thinking?

Oh, I love this shawl!

Oh!

(softly) All right.

Oh! I don't remember owning this.

It's both obscene and, well, enviable.

Whoo! Let's get rid of this crap

and see what other junk we can get rid of.

Junk?

And what do you know?

Wh-what are you doing in my closet?

Your closet? This is my closet.

How is this your closet?

I died in here years ago, and it wasn't a suicide,

I can tell you that much. I'm perfectly mentally sound.

I don't care what you heard. Why? What have you heard?

I haven't heard anything.

Aye, then my point is proven.

You're a ghost living in my closet?

No, I'm a sea captain, traveling the realms

between the living and the dead, living in my closet.

Now get out, shoo.

I'm doing a show on makeovers,

I was going to totally re-do this space.

This closet is fine the way it is!

Now, leave it alone. It's nice and cozy.

Besides, I have dreams of turning it into a storage locker

for retired dead seamen.

Oh, I don't know if I can have dead seamen in my closet.

Why not? They use your pantry as a brothel right now.

-What? -Never mind!

The point is, leave this closet alone!

At least you can let me get rid of some of this junk!

I mean, look at this old thing, right?

(chuckling) Have you ever?

I'll have you know I carved Calliope by hand.

Let's see how good you look after 200,000 nautical miles

of ocean spray blasting across your breasts.

Okay, fine, here.

Calliope. (kiss)

-Ugh! -You don't know the first thing

about interior design, do you?

Oh, and you do?

Oh, I may appear to be a man's man,

but let me tell you something, lassie,

there's plenty of downtime there out at sea.

So I shared my knowledge of mending ships' sails

and making curtains.

My expertise in roboting into crafting macram� pinch pots.

My ship was "The Jewel of the Atlantic".

(laughs softly) Oh.

What have you done?

Oh, no, you're right. I have no idea what I'm doing.

And my expert, he never showed up.

I cry.

(crying dramatically)

What are you doing, blasted woman?

Stop weeping-- saltwater belongs in the sea.

I'll tell you what.

We'll get this place shipshape

and we'll start by making curtains, together.

-Really? -Yes, aye.

And we'll be good together.

I may have spent most of my adult life on the high seas

surrounded by cutthroat swabs and raging mackerel,

but I do know how to treat a lady.

Trust me, no woman has ever been the worst for knowing me.

I mean, if you judge it by 19th century standards.

-It's a deal! -Ah! Give me a moment

so I can get re-aquainted with Calliope.

She's seems to have had a bit of a dustup.

(sea shanty playing) When we return,

window treatments and how they can change a room.

We'll be right back.

?

Oh, hello.

I was just brushing the hair on this lampshade.

One hundred strokes a day helps stimulate the bulb.

99, 100!

(chuckling)

A good crafter could take ugly garbage

and turn it into beautiful junk.

This is Crafting Corner.

? Beads and things and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons and bows ?

Hello. One of the best ways to spruce up a tired room

is the window treatment.

I always say, curtains are the eyelids

of the window to the soul.

Today we'll be making curtains from scratch.

Now, first we, um, uh, line.

-We pick out a fabric. -We pick out a fabric.

And today I think I'm going to be going with a floral pattern.

No!

Look, I'm all for jolly windows,

but there is such a thing as making them a bit too gay.

Okay. How about these horizontal stripes?

Yeah, sure, if you want your windows to look fat!

-Polka dots? -Great Poseidon!

Are we making children's socks now, for children?

Well, then, why don't you pick one out, then?

Well, confound it, woman! Go for sea green taffeta!

Drapes well, folds crispy when drawn.

Fine, now, please don't call me woman.

All right, then, I shall call you Amaretto.

Well, my name is Amy.

No, that's the name of a common port strumpet.

Amaretto, on the other hand,

stilly strumpety but from a much nicer port.

Okay, what's next?

Cut out the patterns.

-With a rotary cutter! -I know, but did you have

rotary cutters on the ship?

No! We came across a Portuguese tailor,

I traded him a Chinaman for them.

Oh, that's a terrible thing to say!

You should have heard what the Chinaman was saying about me!

Swearing like a rummed-up Injun'.

Now, put a half-inch double hem along the sides.

I said a half-inch double hem!

I'm doing it, I'm doing it, I'm doing it!

God! Why don't you do it?

I'm a ghost, remember? I can't hold tools!

Well, you don't seem to have a problem puffin' on that pipe

or reading that book on knots.

Blast it, I can't explain the metaphysical rules

of the astral plane all day.

Can we just finish the curtains, please?

Yes. Fold there, cut there, sew there.

Fold there, cut there, sew there.

Now you're getting the hang of it.

Okay.

? There once was a ballsy captain ?

? Who sailed the ocean blue

? He had salt in his veins and a scar on his eye ?

? Hence feared by his fearful crew ?

? At night he'd walk the deck alone ?

? Fearsome as a black monsoon

? The crew would cower in the hold below ?

? When he sang his chilling tune ?

? Singing twinkle-dinkle-dee ?

? Twinkle-tattle-tee

? Sang the captain with his snake-like serpent hung ?

Captain?

Amaretto.

(dramatic music)

Why, I'd pay 50 pieces of silk to hang this over my porthole.

Captain, we'd make such great...

shipmates.

Aye, Amaretto, we would.

Maybe we could...

re-upholster a chair together or...

(stammering) Yes... a chair.

(softly) Don't look at me.

-Captain? What's wrong? -Get away.

Look, Amaretto, my salty little sea sponge.

I've had my time with you-- you have to go it alone.

What do you mean?

We were making curtains together,

you were barking orders at me,

you were saying horrible, racist things.

-Yeah. - I mean, I've never

been happier.

And I, too, Amaretto.

But you must craft your own life now.

Whether by wind or by oar or by paddle-foot,

you must build your own ship into port.

What are you saying?

You must find a designing partner... of the flesh.

I don't want to see other designers!

Look, Amaretto, you're everything I've ever been,

you're everything I ever was. Blast.

But you, you were a sturdy, weathered woman of

undetermined age, I'm guessing, oh, I don't know,

late 50s, early 60s.

You have good years left in your life.

Oh.

Amaretto, life is for the living.

Live it.

I must go.

(Amy gasping)

-Oh, Captain. -Good-bye, Amaretto.

(softly) Captain.

(dramatic music)

Oh.

I'm going to hang these curtains now.

?

Hello, and welcome to the Lodge.

I'm Ruth, the lady in the Lodge, and this is Esther and--

another person who stays at the Lodge.

Oh, and I almost forgot Artemis here.

Say hello, Artemis.

(parrot squawking) Ahoy!

Today we're talking about makeovers,

a natural and often beautiful process,

like a caterpillar changing into a butterfly,

or a rotting possum turning into food for maggots.

The cycle of life.

Can you think of any examples, Esther?

Early menopause?

Okay. Esther is a little snippy today

because I removed her favorite floral pattern chair!

And why did I remove Esther's favorite floral pattern chair?

Because it was mine?

Now, Esther, I'm very open

to having your things here at the Lodge.

It's just sometimes your choices are pedestrian

and need to be re-chosen.

I have a simple design philosophy.

I believe the interior of your living area

should reflect the exterior environment.

In keeping with our winter motif,

I've used drab as our base color, with accents of somber.

(heavy footsteps)

I've also added a few flurries of dreary

to play against the sporadic touches of gloomy.

(chair scraping floor)

It all comes together to make a bold--

It all comes together to make a bold statement

which I think can best be best summed up as--

Menopause. (door shuts)

I hope you had fun coming over.

That's it for us at the Lodge. Right, Artemis?

(parrot squawking) Menopause.

? She's the lady who lives in the woods ?

Thank you, Ruth and Esther. Good news!

I promised you an interior design expert,

and by gum, one has arrived!

When we come back, we will be in full makeover mode.

Hello!

Did someone say hangover?

Uh, makeover.

Then I guess I'll improvise.

I've got the perfect makeover drink.

It starts as a Sea Breeze.

I add a spicy, dark rum and it turns into a Dark 'n Stormy.

And then I splash a light rum until it's a Hurricane.

I call it Women and Children First.

It will keelhaul your liver.

Well, gotta go.

I'm shipping out to a riverboat casino.

It's a safe bet I'm gonna get hammered.

? It's Friday night ?

? I'm gonna get drunk, I'm gonna get laid ?

? I'm gonna be late on Monday ?

-Meow for now. -Ships ahoy!

Bye, Ronnie Vino!

When we return, we make over!

?

Please welcome Darius Von Hassock.

So, Darius, before we get started,

why don't you tell me a little something about

your design technique?

Ah, yes, well,

when I first enter a room,

I like to connect with the space--

what are its assets, what is it lacking?

Judge it harshly, the way you would a blind date.

Is the room attractive or is it fat?

Does the room split the check or does it ridicule you

because you rode the bus to the restaurant?

Mother was using the car!

Why don't we go focus on the living room, shall we?

Sounds good to me, ladies first.

Okay, thank you.

All right, I invite you to consider

the concept of symmetry.

It's important to achieve a visual rhythm

with your knickknacks.

In other words, do-dah, do dats flow?

-Well, do dey? -Dey don't.

(sighing) I'm never gonna get this!

Listen, Amy, it's easy.

?

? When positioning your doohickeys about the room ?

? Make sure your thing-a-mabobs appear to be untrue ?

? Groups of three or five or more ?

? Are more pleasing than two or four ?

? Never wicker basket on the floor, out the door ?

-Wow! That's terrific! -I know.

?

? A mirror here or there will open up a room ?

? Co-ordinated rugs would make it feel in tune ?

? Throw pillows of different shapes are good ?

? Unless they clash with drapes ?

? A splash of color helps a room take shape ?

? Ficus grape

?

(Darius laughing)

Amy, you're beautiful.

(chuckling)

(car horn blaring) Oh!

Um, will you excuse me for a moment? That's my mommy.

I'm going to tell her I'm only going to be a while.

Mommy?

Oh! And, uh, whoo!

These are all wrong! (Amy gasps)

I'm coming, mommy! I'm coming!

(notes playing)

-I don't like him. -Oh, please.

And I don't trust him, he lives with his mother.

Well, you live in a closet with a half-naked wooden lady.

How easily I have become replaced.

I thought you wanted me to see other designers.

Yes, but not some scalloped-edged tasseled dandy!

Are you jealous?

Please. Jealousy is a luxury of the living.

Well, then what's the problem?

(dramatic music)

It seems I've become fond of you, Amaretto.

I just don't want to see you get hurt,

especially by some perfumed parlor fake.

God, I'm really sorry that you feel that way,

but I've decided to ask him to be

my regular show design expert.

You deserve everything you get from him, Amaretto.

Don't tilt your canvas sails too closely

towards this gentle cod.

There can be very rough seas ahead indeed.

(wind blowing)

I'm back-- she'll await.

Oh, I'm so glad you made it back,

it's been so great having you around.

-I've enjoyed it too. -You know, Darius,

I was wondering if maybe you'd like to be my...

show's resident design expert.

Why, I'm flattered.

-Oh, yeah? -Of course, Amy.

Nothing would make me happier.

Oh, you know, maybe you could just sort of

move your things in, and that way you'd be around

whenever I need you.

Hmm... I just have one question.

Yeah.

-Do you have room for mother? -I'm sorry?

(car horn blaring) I'm coming!

It's my mother.

Okay, well, maybe things are just moving so fast, you know,

maybe I could have our producers give you a call,

we'll work things out later.

Sure, sure, sure. Do you have my mother's number?

Yes.

Well, this has been...

Oh, yeah.

A lovely distraction.

It has.

(car horn blaring) I better run.

Okay.

It appears somebody's good ship lolly-poppers' finally...

run aground.

Listen to me, Amaretto. You have everything inside you.

The ability to decorate, accentuate...

even situate.

You don't need some landlubber's mother telling you what to do.

Oh, what will become of us?

Oh, I'll be waiting for you, Amaretto.

When you pass, I'll be there.

Oh, I should add a small caveat to that offer.

-What do you mean? -Well, you see,

the body you leave this life with you

and take with you into eternity.

So, assuming things hold up and...

things don't go south, your...

life doesn't drag on and on

or you're not injured in some horrible accident

or don't take a rusty hook to the face...

-Sure. -But yes, you know,

I will definitely-- well, you understand.

-Yeah, yeah. -Of course.

You're very special, Amaretto.

Do not change.

Seriously, don't change, because then on the other side

I won't be interested, you know...

No, I got it. Yeah, yeah.

Fare the well.

Until your ship makes its final port.

Bon voyage.

(sucking pipe, exhaling)

?

Hello. I hope you took away plenty of decorating tips

so you have the confidence to attempt

your own makeover projects.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh! It's the photographer, Barry Dingles

from "Better Shelters and Sheds".

Hello!

Well, hello! What a lovely room!

Oh, really? Thank you.

Oh, it's so whimsically decorated,

like it was done by cartoon mice.

I'm flattered.

Oh, the perfect place for your portrait--

right by those nautical drapes.

-Oh, great, Barry. -Head on over.

Okay, eyes right here.

-Say "sea shanty" -Sea shanty!

(sea shanty playing)

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