Original subtitles

"No choice but to take appropriate legal--"

Oh, hello.

I was just reading through my fan mail,

and it reminds me that I couldn't do the show

without you, the fans.

(applause)

I mean, I could do it,

given the advances we have made in stock footage,

but it wouldn't feel right.

Think of this show as a delicious

Emmy-nominated pound cake.

All the ingredients are essential--

one pound of me, two whole cups of myself,

a generous drizzle of I and a pinch of you, my fans.

And it's that last ingredient we are going to focus on.

Tonight-- you, on a very special "At Home With Amy Sedaris".

Really? Fans? Are we that out of topics?

We haven't done compost yet or pet caskets.

?

Hello. Tonight is a course about you, my fans, and I can't think

of a better way for me to show you how much I appreciate you

appreciating me than having you on my hit TV show

to appreciate me in person.

Now, a few months ago I announced contest,

inviting you to write a short essay

explaining why you love this program.

I then asked you to mail that essay into the show

along with two crisp $20 bills for processing and handling.

Tonight I am happy to announce I made enough money

to have all my skin tags removed.

(applause)

Also, I picked the winner of "My Home is Now Your Home

At Home With Amy Sedaris" essay contest.

She'll be out here in a moment to claim her prize--

being a guest on my show.

But before she comes out I wanted to read

a little bit of her beautiful essay.

(whispering) "...beautiful..."

"...perfect teeth..." Oh, "tiny waist"?

(whispering) "...root beer brown eyes..."

Oh, my goodness. It is so on the money.

Please welcome the winner of "My Home is Now Your Home

At Home With Amy Sedaris" home viewer contest,

Mary Frances Finkleton!

Welcome, Mary! (applause)

Oh, my...

I can't believe I'm here!

Amy, you're my favorite person on TV

who doesn't solve mysteries.

I would just watch you so many times!

I have your whole kitchen memorized.

Toaster, oven, spoon, clock,

counter, ham.

Oh, that is so impressive!

You must watch the show a lot,

I mean, I'm here every day and I can't even do that.

Here, make yourself at home, there you go.

Oh, thank you.

Sure!

Now, listen, don't be nervous, okay?

You are doing just fine and your letter was so adorable

and all of the compliments about me were so spot-on.

It's as though I wrote it myself.

So why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Well, um, this is my first time here in the Research Triangle.

Where I come from we only have two points.

Hmm, a real hokum plum town,

you poke around a little and your plum went through it?

(crickets chirping)

-Please, continue. -Well, when I was a child,

I always dreamed of having my own homemaking show.

I used to use my bedsheet as an apron

and sometimes I'd get so much food on it

I'd have to use an apron as a bedsheet.

I wanted to be you so badly.

I used to put a mop on my head and stuff my pants with pillows.

(chuckling) Oh, my goodness!

And what about your family?

You have something in your teeth, may I?

(suspenseful music)

Oh.

I'm sorry, was that too forward?

Oh, no, sometimes I let my rabbit Tina eat out of my mouth.

It's okay-- so you were saying?

Oh, yes, well, my father worked on a riverboat casino,

but the river got so narrow he couldn't turn the boat around

and eventually he sailed out to sea and I never saw him again.

-Oh... -Mother worked as a cabin girl

on a steam train but couldn't turn it around

because it was on tracks, so... and then the war came.

Well, you're here now, Mary. Of course, eventually,

you'll have to return to all that unimaginable sadness,

but let's make an apple pie!

(both laughing)

Okay, we already have everything pre-mixed.

Of course you got apples, lemon and sugar and whatnot.

Okay, I'll put that aside.

You got your rolling pin. You ready?

-Is everything okay? -Oh, it's just that I must have

watched you make pies a hundred times,

and it's always so magical. It's like watching a surgeon

perform an appendectomy on a pie.

Oh, I'm flattered.

All right, let's roll out this dough

to make our lattice, shall we?

Now, if you don't have a rolling pin you can use a bottle, say,

a wine bottle or a broomstick.

My mother used to use my uncle's prosthetic leg.

Oh, and how did that work?

It was pretty good once she got the shoe off.

Okay. So let's start cutting the lattice

to place on top of our pie.

I've already pre-heated the oven to 350 degrees.

All right, just make these strips.

Now, I got this, uh, cutter at a flea market

in New England.

I was there by myself.

Mmm, I love making pies.

Unfortunately, my waistline doesn't but...

(softly) I love you.

Oh. Okay.

There are our strips, all right.

It's like making pot holders.

You're doing fine.

I love the smell of an uncooked pie.

Is this okay?

(applause)

It's an Egyptian multi-weave

with perfect spacing between the west and north.

Is it? What do you know?

Oh, I like yours too, it's so dynamic.

It's kind of like earthworms on a sidewalk after a rainstorm.

That was a choice.

Knock-knock-knock! Apple delivery! Who's this?

This is the winner of my biggest fan contest.

Oh, so you have one! I'll slap my knee.

Mary, this is Patty Hogg, my neighbor.

I know who you are. I've seen you on the show.

I'm such a fan.

Oh, well, you better save some of that buttering up

for your crust.

Nice to meet you, dear.

Mary just got off the bus from Two Points.

Hmm... well, the shoes say small potatoes,

but her eyes says big cheese.

I'm just happy to be here with my hero.

Hmm, interesting.

That reminds me-- I gotta go spread some manure

on my amaryllis.

I'll leave you two to it. C-Caio!

I don't know much of anything about television,

but I'm guessing she doesn't do well

with the 18-59 demographic and they spend the most money.

Oh, Patty, she's harmless.

Now, let's get these pies in the oven,

and remember for a craft we're gonna make donut bird feeders.

? Beads and things and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons and bows ?

Welcome to my craft room, Mary.

I can't believe I'm actually standing in here.

It feels so sacred, like a church,

I'm afraid to touch anything.

Well, do you craft at home?

I mean, odds and ends, but nothing like what you do here.

Oh, okay, well, we're gonna make one of my favorite crafts,

it's a donut bird feeder.

Now, if there's one thing I know about birds,

is that birds love donuts.

The first thing we're gonna do is pick out a jar lid.

Oh, like this?

Oh, look...

-Hi, Amy. -Hi, Mary.

Adorable. Now, we're going to use this hammer and a nail--

which I have a little, nice little tin here--

and we're going to pierce a hole

at the top of two jar lids, okay?

It's why we need a man around the house, right?

Okay. All right, now what we're going to do

is I went ahead and pre-threaded some twine.

I used a raspberry one because birds love color,

and I put it in a large needle, like so,

and knot if off at the bottom.

You're gonna fish it through the bottom of the lid here.

Now, remember, a terrific gift for the elderly

is a pre-thread needle.

You're gonna add a donut, old-fashioned donut, here,

push it through and it's going to be sandwiched between

another jar lid that we already put a hole through,

like so, okay?

Oh, there you go!

The donut bird feeder, there you have it.

I just a thought of a perfect place to hang these.

Oh, yeah? Where?

Oh, no, Mary, I can't take your bird feeder.

Shh-shh-shh.

Oh, my God, they look fantastic!

I know, they're perfect.

Oh, thank you so much, Mary, it was so sweet of you.

Thank you, Mary, really.

Oh.

Oh! A kiss too, thank you. (laughing)

(mouthing words)

Thank you, really.

(bell dings)

(both) The pies!

I'm gonna take 'em out of the oven and be right back.

Oh, these are great! (laughing)

?

A cooling rack-- it lets cool air circulate

under the hot crotch of a pie.

It's a kitchen essential, the cooling rack.

(announcer) And now a message from

Fiddleneck Foods, the folks who brought you Turkey Gouge--

we need more whole... turkey gouge.

(background conversations, music playing)

Come on! Come on!

Ugh!

Hey, Carol, you better serve that dessert

before your guests decide...

to desert.

Oh, Madge, I can't serve pie this hot.

Why is it taking so long to cool?

Well, have you tried a cooling rack?

A cooling rack?

You see, Carol, when you take a pie out of the oven,

it's hot.

A cooling rack elevates the food from the surface

so that cool air can circulate underneath.

-That makes so much sense! -It sure does.

I remember when I would cool my pies on the windowsill

and all that did was attract bears and hobos.

(laughing)

Oh, you would not believe how many hungry scamps I chased down

with my rolling pin just trying to get back my pie.

Sometimes I had no choice but to crack some skulls.

(dramatic music)

But now...

now we have a much more sensible way of cooling pies.

It's working!

This is the most perfect kitchen tip. Thanks, Madge.

(announcer) From the people at

Fiddleneck Foods-- the cooling rack.

Goddamn it!

(announcer) Wait-- what's happening?

What is it with you people?

-Oh, boy. -You just have this

insatiable need for more technology,

more innovation-- nothing! Nothing is ever good enough.

Well, I hope you're happy, Carol,

with your new goddamn cooling rack!

(sobbing)

Oh, Madge, I'm so sorry, I didn't know.

(man) Where's the pie?

You know, Carol...

Carol, it seems like you have a few hobos of your own

waiting for some pie.

Right.

(uplifting music)

(announcer) Fiddleneck Foods

pie cooling rack--

may have some serious issues.

? Beads and things and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons and bows ?

What are you doing?

Oh, uh...

-Are you wearing my smock? -No, I-I...

-And my skin tags? -Oh, I was just trying them on.

Take them off!

I'm sorry, I was just amusing myself,

I didn't mean anything by it.

(wings fluttering)

Look, Mary I know you won the contest,

and I appreciate that you're such a big fan of the show,

but I think it would be better if you go now.

But I thought the contest winner got to stay

till the end of the episode.

I'm sorry, but I would like for you to go now.

(bird squawks)

We'll be right back after these messages.

(Mary shouting)

Welcome back to my show, where I'm celebrating you, the fans.

I get so many letters asking about my famous Salisbury steak,

so I thought I'd take you through it.

The recipe is simple, but I have a little twist.

Can I help you, Mary?

Oh, I-I was just gathering up my stuff.

Are you gathered?

-Mm-hmm. -Good.

So here is my twist--

French onion soup mix.

-Yes, Mary? -My bus doesn't come

for another 15 minutes.

I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much trouble,

if I could just wait here, you know, until the bus comes?

Well, what can I say?

All right.

I'm sorry, where were we?

Oh, French onion soup mix.

Who knew packaged soup could be so much fun?

(Mary sobbing)

Mary, could you cry in the living room, please?

I'm sorry, am I expressing my pain out loud?

Yeah, you were.

From now on I'll try to stifle my grief.

That'd be terrific.

(sobbing continues) Now, that I revealed my secret

ingredient, let's make the rest of the recipe.

Here to lend a hand, old friend of the show and fan favorite,

Chassie Tucker!

Hi, Chassie, welcome back.

Sorry, I can't stay for the segment.

-I'm sorry? -Yeah, I'm not feeling well.

Well, what's the valise for?

-My medicine. -Well, if you're sick,

what are you doing here?

Well, I need you to cash a check for me.

Why can't you cash the check at your bank?

Because they don't have any branches where I'm going...

to be sick.

Well, you look fantastic. What's wrong with you?

I just... I don't know, it's just kind of my...

stomach's all feverish and I got chills and my ears are ringing

and-- I don't know, they're saying it's some sort of

gastro-intestinal thing.

Oh, I see. You know, I really don't care.

You know Salisbury steak's a two-man job!

Oh, Miss Tucker, I'm such a fan.

I'm sorry, what's happening?

This is Mary, she won the fan favorite contest.

I hope I'm not being too forward,

but I just love it when you're on the show,

and you have such great style.

Well, thank you, Mary.

Mary was just leaving.

Oh, why? The show isn't even over yet.

You know, it's really none of your business.

What I'd like for you to do, and what you get paid for,

is to strap on an apron and start chopping parsley,

which is optional.

I told you, I'm sick.

Well, if it helps, you know, I'm just sitting here,

waiting for my bus.

Maybe I could fill in for Chassie.

That makes so much sense-- yes!

Mary will help you with Salisbury steak

and I can go home and recuperate.

(car horn honks)

I'm coming!

-Your doctor. -My doctor, sure.

Well, I gotta run, but I will say this much.

This one is special, you know?

I would keep her around.

(Mary) Feel better.

Just take your raincoat off and put an apron on,

which you have already, my goodness.

And let's make Salisbury steak!

(applause) As I was saying earlier,

my secret zesty twist on Salisbury steak

is right inside this packet of instant soup,

it's a flavor booster.

Now, to open the packet you're gonna need one pair of scissors,

like so. Now, here's a quick tip--

I like to cut above the dotted line here,

if you can get a close-up on this, Buckles.

That way you don't use the entire contents of the package,

you'll have a little extra flap to fold down

when saving the remainder of the powdered soup.

You're not cutting, Mary.

You know what? I was just thinking.

I was just reading the back of the packet of soup

and there's a lot of sodium here.

Sodium's good for you, that's why they call is sodi-yum!

But do we really want to take a shortcut

to making the Salisbury steak?

We have all these ingredients fresh,

and it would taste better and be better for you.

Isn't that a good idea, audience?

(applause)

I mean, it's your show, but I know, knowing you,

you would want to make it the best way.

(voice echoing) Fresh olives, fresh mushrooms,

fresh herbs... (tea kettle whistling)

-What are you doing? -Well, I was thinking,

why don't we co-host the show together?

I mean, I think we'd make a pretty good team,

don't you, audience? (applause)

Excuse me? What are you talking about?

I have a hit TV show, my name is on the mug!

If I could be honest with you, Amy, this show is a mess.

You're all over the place--

you're cooking in one segment, crafting in another--

you're a homemaker, then you're a host, I mean, who are you?

You're like a bra with mismatched socks

if those socks were middle-aged and dumpy.

(laughing angrily) You know what, Mary?

I've had about a quarter of a cup too much of you, all right?

You are a big, fat nobody from a nobody town

who's never going to be anything but a nobody!

My whole life all I ever wanted was to be you.

Nobody!

While making that pie we had a moment.

Nobody!

You know what? This is all my fault.

-Yeah. -I should have known.

I set my expectations too high.

I just have too much faith in the idea

that you were going to be a good person.

There is a reason they say you should never meet your heroes.

Are you planning on flaying something?

I'm planning on fixing something.

I promised myself I wouldn't kill anymore.

Why are you making me do this?

I think it's a great idea about co-hosting the show together.

I-I think it's just what the show needs--

the two of us, right?

So, why don't you put the knife down

and we can talk about it--

you, me, together, just the two of us.

I don't want to talk anymore.

I'm tired, I just want this to be over with now.

I have a show to do.

(dramatic music)

(applause)

(shouting)

You're crazy!

(shouting)

Are you crazy?

I'm gonna smack your skull in!

No! Not the expensive one!

(crying)

We'll be right back after these messages.

Don't go away!

(choking)

Oh, knockity, knock-knock-knock.

I thought I'd pop on by to see

if that nuisance of a nobody was still arou--

Oh, hello, Patty, can I help you?

And where, exactly, is Amy?

Oh, well, you know Amy, unpredictable Amy,

she could be anywhere-- up a tree or down a well,

at the market or in an unmarked grave.

Amy may be a lot of things-- toddy-headed,

a little skulled, bow-legged, borderline illiterate,

a quick, simpleminded, out of shape--

-Do you have a point, Patty? -I thought I did.

Well, if you don't mind, I'm trying to do a show.

Oh, are you, now? Huh!

Unpredictable! That's it, Amy is not unpredictable.

Bam! Back on track.

Look, I don't know where Amy is,

I'm not her keeper, but I need you to leave

until it's your segment,

which I'm guessing will be greatly reduced.

You're best in small doses.

You've read the network notes, haven't you?

Oh, have I said too much?

You've said plenty, Mary Fink-ton from Two Points.

You know, I think I might just stick around for a bit.

Catch a segment.

(mysterious music)

Something seems a little off, doesn't it?

What do you mean, Patty?

Askew. Uneven. Awry. Catawampus.

? Mary had a little lie

? Little lie, little lie ?

(gasps) ? Mary had a little lie

? But Patty knew the truth

(no sound)

Truth-- hmm, something doesn't sound right.

Probably the humidity.

Oh! So now you're a weather girl too-- happy rain!

Oh, sounds like the hammers

are striking against something bloated.

A collapsed ovary, a lower fat belly.

I'm really going to have to ask you to leave.

I'll leave as soon as I can look inside that piano.

There's nothing in that piano that concerns you.

I can think of 88 reasons.

-What does that mean? -You know, the keys,

I thought it was a clever turn of phrase.

Had it been a guitar I would have said

stop stringing me along.

If you're not going to leave by yourself,

I'm going to have to help you.

(shouts)

Oh, my sweet, sweet corn!

(Patty shouting)

It's like ten pound of potatoes in an eight pound sack.

You're really going to regret doing that.

I'm sure that I will, but first I have know,

how did you get her in there?

Did you grease her up before you squeezed her in?

Did your brain collapse your hips?

Did you have to sit on top of her

like an overstuffed suitcase?

(mumbling) Jesus Christ...

get me out of here.

Am I getting colder or warmer?

You're about to be permanently cold.

We'll get back to that.

First you tell me, did you stuff her in like a jack in the box?

Did you fold her bow-legs up like a card table?

Did you tuck her chins into her mouth?

You gotta give me something, Mary Finky.

Well, then you're gonna die curious.

You seem very calm for someone who's about to be skewered.

I have two words-- Snooper Troopers.

What?

Neighborhood watch! (blowing whistle)

(heroic music)

(Mary shouting)

She got away.

She won't get far...

or she will.

(muffled shouting from piano) Where's Amy?

She's stuffed inside the piano.

(knocking inside piano)

(mumbling) Get me out of here!

Patty! Hey!

Now, hold on. Before we pull her out,

does anyone have a clue as to how she got inside-- Shirley?

They built the piano around her?

Hmm, Millie?

-Uh, fully body corset? -I don't think so,

but it's a good guess.

And since this is the fan show,

if you at home have any idea how Amy's ample body

fit into that tiny piano, jot it down on a postcard

and sent it to the show, care of Too Fat To Fit.

We'll be right back after this message.

(Amy) Hey!

(mumbling) Get me out of here-- hey!

Oh, hello. I was just writing in my hits and misses book,

where I record what went well on the show and what didn't.

Hits-- connecting with my fans.

Misses-- connecting with my fans.

I hope you enjoyed the show.

This one was dedicated to you.

Oh! I almost forgot, I wanted to announce the winner

of the Too Fat to Fit contest.

The winner is Bill Klurgman, a civil engineer from Plainview,

South Dakota, who guessed a hand truck,

a gallon of beef tallow and two wood planks acting as a funnel.

Congratulations, Bill.

It's been a bit of a trying episode,

so I'm going to relax and watch my favorite cooking show.

Good night.

?

Tonight on the show we're making a spicy Brunswick stew.

It'll be delicious.

(softly) Right, Amy?

(softly) Mary.

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