Original subtitles

(knocking on door)

(man) Ms. Sedaris, on in five!

Hello. Before we start the show,

I thought I'd pull the curtain back a bit in our process--

you know, show you how the sausage is eaten?

We spent a lot of time around here

considering the themes to our shows.

Often, they reflect subjects I'm interested in.

Other times, we steal them from other, more successful shows.

But today with the situation in our country becoming so toxic,

and although it strays outside our normal boundaries,

I feel an obligation to use this show

as a platform for positive change.

So tonight I give you...

women's hats.

(woman singing in French)

Women's hats-- tonight, on a very special

"At Home With Amy Sedaris".

?

?

Mmm!

Over the past two seasons

we've aired many special episodes of this program--

our retrospective on the can opener,

the fabric alternative special,

"Amy Sedaris, A Salute to Burlap,"

and who could forget whatever last week was?

But tonight may be our most special-est

because I'll be designing and making my very own women's hat.

(applause)

But that's not all, because later,

world-renowned French fashion critic, Yves St. Au Jus,

will be stopping by to give me a critique of my work.

And to go along with our hat theme...

I'm making mushroom caps for his visit.

Now, I'm gonna pop these adorable little guys

into the oven pre-heated to 750 degrees.

(flame whooshes)

Oh! 350 degrees.

Anyway, I'm gonna need a little touch-up

and I'll meet you in the living room.

?

My first guest tonight makes women's hats,

but not just any old women's hats--

very specific women's hats.

All right, I'm done torturing you.

I'll just come out and say it.

He makes women's hats for fruit!

Please welcome Denny Shnarks.

(applause)

-Welcome, Denny. -Thank you for having me.

So, why women's hats for fruit?

Well, it occurred to me one day

when I was in the produce section

that some fruits already have hats.

-Huh. -Think of a strawberry,

for instance. -Oh, yeah, sure.

-Or for the pineapple? -Oh, the pineapple, sure, okay.

So I thought, why shouldn't all fruit have hats?

(light applause) Okay.

Well, why don't we take a look at some of your work?

-Let's do it! -Okay, you go first.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

-Wow. -Yes.

So, here we have an orange in a sun bonnet.

(Amy) Oh, a raspberry beret.

That's a tam-o-shanter.

This is a plum in a nurse's hat.

A watermelon in a swimming cap.

I'm very proud of this one,

this is a pear in a wedding veil.

Oh, you know what've been cute,

is a wedding veil on a cantaloupe.

(chuckling)

-What do you mean? -Well, you know,

it had a traditional wedding because it can't elope?

It was just a play on words.

Yes, so this is all a big joke to you, right?

No! I mean, it looks good on a Bartlett pear too, I was just...

Okay, that's a goddamn D'Anjou, and let me tell you something.

If you think I started out

making women's hats for fruits, you're nuts.

Okay? I started out making women's hats... for women.

And one spring I showed my first collection,

and the show went without a hitch,

I thought my career was made, and then the reviews came out.

-Oh... -You want to hear some of these?

-Oh, it's okay. -I carry them around,

to remember.

"Denny Shnark Jumps the Shnark".

"Hat's All, Folks!" They didn't like it.

"Cap Smear".

That was it-- my career was over before it even started.

Well, I'm sorry, I had no idea, I didn't know.

-Oh, well, now you do. -Okay.

Right, well...

- Yeah, I should go, I'm sorry. -Okay, no, this is perfect.

Thank you so much for coming on the show.

Yeah, thank you.

You might want to leave this way.

There you go. Thank you so much Denny.

-Speed cap on a banana. -Okay.

I had no idea the world of women's hats could be so brutal.

Well, time to head over to the craft room

and create my own hat.

? Beads and things and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons and bows! ?

Welcome to Crafting Corner-- Women's Hats.

The little white gloves of the skull.

Today I'll be making a women's hat from scratch,

to be critiqued by esteemed fashion critic, Yves St. Au Jus.

To assist me, please welcome my assistant, Puja.

(applause)

How was your weekend?

Is something you should've asked me.

You know, I put a lot of work into my weekends

to make them very special, and if no one asks me about them,

well, then, what's the point?

How was your weekend?

Oh, I didn't do much. By the way,

what I do have here is an employee review.

It's, uh, a self-review.

Okay, I'll return it tomorrow.

No, I'd like for you to do it now.

Okay, let's start with the first one.

How satisfied are you with your pay scale?

Satisfied? Very satisfied?

Overpaid? I think I know the answer to that one, okay?

And speaking of scales,

I have two in my kitchen right now and I would like for you

to weigh in when you punch in

and then weigh in on your way out.

Okay? You understand?

And then I'm gonna do the math

and those numbers better match up.

All right, fantastic.

Why don't you finish that review on your break?

-All right. -All right.

Great! Let's make a hat!

Now, a hat can be made from almost anything you have

lying around the house--

crepe paper, newspaper, an existing hat--

the sky is the limit.

Now, I haven't settled on the design yet,

so Puja here collected random bits from the grab bin.

Tossed away items, I call them one-offs.

So maybe these one-offs will lead to something magical.

What's in the box?

-I have felt pieces. -Okay.

-Feathers... -Okay, it's a 24-minute show.

Trim, pieces of lace, assorted ribbon-- oh,

and silk flowers.

Oh, my goodness, you took random to heart, didn't you?

Yeah.

One thing about being creative is, you know,

you don't want to rush things, you want to breathe,

you just want a clear mind,

there are absolutely no wrong answers.

Okay, let's see.

All righty. Zero wrong answers.

Gosh, nothing's really, uh, clicking.

I think it's the items that you picked, Puja,

how am I supposed to make a hat out of this stuff?

I mean, you just love to watch me fail, don't you?

Did you do this on purpose?

I mean, how am I gonna make anything out of this crap?

This looks like a hairball.

-You told me to pick anything. -Excuse me?

Are you seriously talking back to me on camera?

No.

Even a magpie needs to go for something shiny.

This is ridiculous.

Do you have any idea what's at stake here?

I have a fashion critic coming to my show,

I'm practically frea--

(applause)

Oh, okay, Puja...

I'd like for you to take this crap, all right?

It's all right there.

Don't you ever show me up like that again!

Okay? Go.

And don't forget to weigh in and punch out.

I want to apologize for my former assistant.

Now, I promised you a hat and I, by gum, will deliver!

Okay, dokey, I can get this. I can get this.

Hat!

Okay.

(dramatic music) This.

No... hat.

(panting)

(gasping)

I've got to find the right pieces!

Fruit!

(sobbing)

(laughing)

(dramatic music continues)

Knock, knock, knock!

Puja called collect and said you were having

some sort of spiritual crisis.

Now, I was concerned, so I brought Lesley along.

Now, as you know, he's a brilliant former doctor

of maritime psychology.

I thought it would be behooving of him

to give you a quick looksee over.

Now, don't worry, Amy Lou,

he's not going to give you a shot or pook you or prod you,

he just wants to talk to your brain.

Okay.

(suspenseful music)

-Hmm. -What? It's something?

According to my phrenological examination,

there's only one conclusion to make-- well, two, really.

First, you have the skull shape of an oversexed chimpanzee,

but more importantly, I believe you to be suffering from

crafter's block.

What?

Of course you should get a second opinion,

so here it is now.

You have crafter's block.

Crafter's block?

What? No! What am I gonna do?

Crafting's my life! It's my life!

(laughing and sobbing)

?

(slurping)

Hello. I'm Amy Sedaris and I want to thank you

for all the incredible letters of support I've received

during the commercial break.

I used to believe crafter's block was something

that happened to other people, and I thought it was hilarious.

Until it happened to me.

So often those with crafting block hide in the shadows,

ashamed of their idle pipe cleaners

and reams of dusty felt.

Well, I'm not gonna run away.

Mostly, because I'm not built for it.

My feet are too small, I'm bow-legged, not to mention,

I've been drinking all day.

Yves St. Au Jus will be here soon, and I will produce a hat.

And to help me get back on track,

I've invited the woman who first inspired me to craft.

Whoo, whoo! (chuckling)

I'd like to introduce my former camp scout girl's troop leader

and crafting mentor, Alice Brittlecrunch.

Oh, Alice, I am thrilled you made the trip out here.

Oh, I'm happy to do it, Amy.

Gosh, after all these years do you even remember me?

Of course!

So nimble with your tiny hands.

So productive with your sharp overbite.

You were my brightest star.

Oh, thank you.

Do you remember Jackie Thatcher?

I don't.

Then we're all on the same page.

Um, so how did you light that spark in us kids?

Oh, I don't know.

I just said we had a job to do,

set a stack of leather swatches in front of you,

you'd start stitching and before you knew it,

you'd finished a craft!

-Like a moccasin. -That's right, Amy.

I remember we made lots and lots of moccasins.

Piles and piles of moccasins.

I don't recall.

I always wondered, what happened to those moccasins? Hmm.

When I decided to have you on the show

I dug up my old sash with all my merit badges,

and I never realized they were all for moccasins.

Look, if you're suggesting

that I used my troop as some sort of

campfire sweatshop to produce cheap goods that I could mark up

and pawn off to consumers as genuine Cherokee artifacts,

then you are sadly mistaken.

No, I-I was just wondering...

What other vicious rumors are you spreading?

That I know the whereabouts of Jackie Thatcher?

I don't even know Jackie Thatcher.

Again! That makes two of us.

(microphone flutters)

Are you wearing a wire?

Oh... Of course I am, so are you.

We-we're recording this.

This is entrapment!

(loud polka music playing)

If I go down, I'm taking you with me.

(music stops)

Alice, I'm not trying to entrap you.

I'm having trouble crafting,

and you being my first crafting teacher,

I just thought maybe you'd help me remember.

All right.

When I was in your troop I was a crafting machine.

I'm just trying to remember what made me so special.

Well, you were a child.

You had tiny hands-- perfect to stick into

the industrial beader machine to change the bobbins.

Oh... those days are long gone.

I don't think I'm the person to help you, Amy.

But I know two people who can.

Here, watch this.

But be sure to rewind it before you return it.

I don't want a fee on my account.

Okay, well, thank you, Alice, I knew you'd come through.

By the way, if someone asks, I've been here all day.

Alice Brittlecrunch.

(applause)

"Debbie and Donny from Brain Mountain--

How To Dislodge Your Creative Energy."

(music playing on TV)

Hi. I'm Debbie Jojo Duncan,

and I have been dislodging impacted creative loads

for over 35 years.

I'm Donnie Duncan, and I've been to bartending school.

What's so magical about figure eights?

I don't know-- wait, I do.

It really, really unhinges your infinity flowages, yeah.

Then, you stretch up to the heaven, yeah,

and connect to the earth.

Birds to the worms.

And then you're just gonna come down and hang.

You just hang.

Then you tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Tap, tap, tap, tap,

all the way down to the collarbone.

And then you're gonna... (vocalizing)

de-clog the flesh...

(hissing and gagging)

De-clog it, that's right, yeah.

And then you're gonna poopoo out

all those thoughts and ideas and they'll all come out

in that nice, creative loaf, yeah.

For this next one, you're gonna need ten pounds of sand.

I have access to four belts.

Okay. So you start this way, yeah,

and then you go the other way, right?

All the energy moving sparks creativity.

It does.

Okay. So now, you're gonna want to do the scalp tug.

Ooh, because this creates valleys in your skull

so that that spinal thought fluid can discharge,

geysering that mental foam

and spilling out over into your chakras.

It's not working.

So for this next part, you're gonna need two bags of Sakrete,

a wheelbarrow full of ceramic tile, and four railroad ties.

I'm wearing one of them now. (buzzing)

No!

I'll never know how it ends! My chakras! What?

?

Welcome back.

If you're just tuning in, don't bother, I've got nothing.

If only I could pull a rabbit out a hat

just so I could have his hat.

(bell over door jingles)

Jessie, what are you doing here?

I never got last week's paycheck.

Jessie, I'm in the middle of a show.

What show?

The one you get paid for, the one on television.

Well, I wouldn't know, I didn't steal a television.

Jessie, please.

Look, I need a replacement check for the check

that I never got or was stolen.

Jessie, that check was cashed.

Well, it wasn't me.

What would I have to gain from being paid twice, hmm?

Look, you're just gonna have to talk to Barry the accountant.

(groaning)

Barry, it's Jessie, can I talk to you a minute?

-Barry, I know you're in there! -Could you keep it down?

Who put a bee up your bonnet shaped ass?

Look, I am doing a show on women's hats, that's the theme,

and I lost my ability to make a hat!

You just need to get your blood flowing, is all.

Why don't you try some of that hot yoga

everyone's talking about, hmm?

Well, where am I supposed to do that?

I don't know.

You have that stupid walk-in freezer,

why don't you do cold yoga, okay?

I really don't care.

Just tell Barry I'm looking for him.

(bell over door jingling)

Freezer.

This walk-in freezer is a recent addition to my home-slash-set,

along with my new mophead and 20 pounds of glitter,

makes up most for most of our second season budget.

Now, I haven't had time to fix this heavy freezer door

so it could be opened from the inside

since my husband died,

so I better find something to prop it open.

Oh, perfect, this plastic fork that I got on my trip to Tokyo.

Terrific.

(groaning)

(sitar music)

Crazy!

Let's see.

Cavity Hole's Frostina's Ice Cream Sandwiches.

The frozen muse sure to launch a thousand ideas,

starting right...

now.

Nothing.

No, no, no!

Help, help, somebody!

Anybody?

Oh, God.

Oh, what a fitting end to a hatless loser.

Oh, God, no way out!

I'm doomed, doomed! (harp glissando)

(shivering) Ow!

Sorry! With all that blubbering, I thought you were a whale!

That's just an ice breaker.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Oh, I'm useless-- I'm freezing to death and I can't make a hat.

Oh, Amy!

?

? When you can't think you're out of synch ?

? Your brain has gone all flat ?

? That's me

? Your confidence shrinks and shrivels and sinks ?

? Ideas are what you lack

? Make point, freezing

? Your thoughts are muck, a real lame duck ?

-? And panic is on the brink -? Hypothermia

? Well, you're in luck, to get unstuck ?

? It's easy, just don't think ?

Wait-- what?

Stop trying so hard.

Most times the answers are right in front of your face.

That's it, Frostina!

I've been thinking too hard.

Oh, Amy.

(heroic music)

Ahhh!

We'll be right back after these messages.

I am so thrilled to introduce my next guest.

He is considered the maestro of millinery,

the master of women's hat critique, Yves St. Au Jus.

(applause)

?

This is such an honor.

I understand.

Uh, I prepared these stuffed mushroom caps for you.

Italian style breadcrumbs, Romano cheese, minced garlic,

fresh herbs, blended together and stuffed into a mushroom cap.

They look delicio, but I'm sorry, uh, I'm allergic.

Oh, you're allergic to mushrooms?

I'm allergic to stuffed.

Oh, okay, so, Eaves, why should we care--

-"Yves". - Oh, Eva.

We don't pronounce the "s".

"S" is like a... (hissing)

like a snake at the end, we don't like that, eh?

Oh, okay, so Eve, why should we care about women's hats?

Excellent question, Amy, I will answer for you.

Historically, the women's heads many considered to be, uh,

how you say, extraneous, uh, ornament...

the appendix of the neck...

a blabbering skin tag.

But the hat has given the women's head a purpose.

Now this empty knob has something on it.

Oh, hello, how are you? Now I can engage.

-Oh. -How would you say in English,

uh, everything I just said?

Oh, I think I got it.

I am certain you did not.

However, in any event, this is why I find ugly hats...

(shudders) ...to be such an affront,

because often this is the woman's

best feature, yes, no?

Um, um, I guess, yeah.

Um... (clears throat)

So you were going to create a hat, eh, of your own,

that I would critique?

Oh.

(chuckling)

What is this? This hat is...

(spits) How dare you!

I don't have word for this.

I can't!

And I won't!

Who put stairs here?

Eaves, wait! What you think of my hat?

Well, I... guess he didn't like it.

Oh, well, I tried, and that's all I could really do.

Well, we have a few minutes left in the show,

so why don't we sample these mushroom caps?

Rusty-- Yves?

I found a word.

Magnifique.

Really?

How did you come by such a wonderful hat?

Let's just say I didn't put any thought into it.

Amy, you're the way I like a woman, eh, no thought.

(laughing)

(romantic music)

Way to go, Paula!

Way to go.

(moaning and panting)

Your hands are so... cold.

They're so cold.

(shivering)

I'm so c-cold.

You're just gonna be fine, Amy Lou,

don't you worry about t thing.

Did you see? Yves, he... he loved my hat!

Yeah, sure he did.

-I thought he cancelled. -Jessie, would you please?

Okay? Everything's gonna be all right.

Wheel her out into the sunlight, let's go, let's go, let's go.

?

(shivering) I love you, Yves, oh, Yves.

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