Original subtitles

(store doorbell ringing)

-Here she comes. -Has she got it?

I think so.

Now, remember, add the wine to the beef stock

only on low heat until the sauce thickens.

Whatever, old maid.

Teenagers, on a very special "At Home With Amy Sedaris".

?

(sighing)

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of adults

quite like the word, "teenager".

It ranks right between "foreclosure" and "colonoscopy".

You've seen teenagers hanging out

in parking lots and rock quarries,

heard their strange youth slang,

and in some cases, even done their laundry.

But what do we really know about them?

Tonight I'm excited to announce

that we will be meeting a real, live teenager.

(applause)

But before we do that, let's try to educate ourselves

to what the teenager is all about.

I thought a good place to start would be

my own backyard's closet.

These are my keepsakes from Button Gwinnett High School.

Go... buttons!

Oh, look!

Oh, it's my apron from high school home ec.

I wonder if it still fits.

Oh, well, it must've been run through the dryer, it happens.

Oh, well, look!

It's my sash from when I was a Queen Tarheel

of the Scotch Bonnet dance.

I wonder if it still fits.

Okay, well, it must be the humidity.

Oh... my old diary.

Oh, and here's the key.

I wonder if it still fits.

Stupid, fat key.

"November 15th junior year.

"Who am I and why?

"My wisdom teeth came in, all six of them.

"I can't wait to chew meat.

"Also, that thing happened to my body that they warn you about

in health class, only on the other end."

I was hoping that would be more informative.

Luckily, I've invited friend of the show and teenage expert,

Cliff Wilt from Blowingrock, North Carolina.

Cliff, I want to thank you so much for coming on the show.

-I'm thrilled to be here, Amy. -Okay.

All right, now, you're here to talk about your new book,

"The Glass Teenagerie".

Oh, I assumed that this was a cooking segment-- I'm starving.

I only had a cookie for breakfast.

Well, I can hard boil you an egg.

Let's just focus on the book.

Okay. So, um, Cliff, what makes you an expert on teenagers?

Well, I have a Ph.D. in psychology,

and I specialized in adolescent behavior.

I'm also a tenor-- you wouldn't suspect that

because I speak low.

And how exactly did you do research for this book?

I followed a group of five teenagers for a number of weeks,

and the data that I gathered over that period

I used to form this book.

And what exactly did you learn?

Teenagers didn't want to be in the book.

Oh, my goodness.

That egg already boiled?

I would have to boil it.

Well, let's just keep moving it along.

-Okay. -Anyway, this was a very

tough book to write because teenagers

never really understood me.

I never really felt truly accepted.

Well, did you explain to them about how you felt?

I tried to, but they wouldn't listen,

they were too busy doing things, like school.

Richie shouldn't even be in school,

we should be in a band together--

Richie on the ax, me with the sticks on the kit,

playing in my garage.

Why doesn't Richie want to be in my band?

Well, Cliff, maybe Richie's busy with school things.

Why do you always take Richie's side on everything?

I don't even know Richie.

Oh, let's just forget it.

I didn't even want to be on this stupid show anyway.

Cliff, please calm down.

Don't tell me how to live, you're not my mother!

-Cliff. -Don't you tell me anything!

Cliff! Cliff Wilt!

I'm sure Cliff doesn't always act that way.

He's probably just hungry.

Oh, hello.

Crafting is the art of unleashing muscle memory

on a pile of popsicle sticks and a bottle of glue.

This is Crafting Corner.

? Beads and things and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons and bows ?

How do you keep a teenager engaged?

I've always said, keep their hands busy

and their genitals will follow.

And the best way to keep their hands busy?

Crafting.

Teenagers love to write in diaries

because it gives them a safe place to unload their feelings

and let off emotional steam.

Other typical release valves for teens

include group sex, arson, and animal cruelty.

Diaries are often used by troubled teens

as a friend to confide in

and by the state as evidence in juvenile court.

Today we are going to learn simple, fun ways for teenagers

to personalize their diary cover.

Helping me out in the craft room is friend of the show

and closest thing we have to a teenager, Chassie Tucker!

(applause)

Chassie, thank you so much for coming on the show.

Let's craft.

All right, what are we having you make me do?

We are going to make a self-esteem collage

on the cover of this diary. And what you're going to do

is you're going to personalize it

so it is unique to you, Chassie Tucker.

Great. Do you have an example I can copy?

Chassie, the whole point is that it says something about you.

It's very easy-- all you have to do

is take pictures from books,

such as so, magazines, you can use stickers,

you can use decals, googly eyes, dried macaroni,

popcorn kernels, I mean, it's fun.

Doesn't sound like it.

Anyway, I don't have any glue.

-No glue? -No, I...

Okay, let me get you some.

Oh... oh, that was-- okay.

-There you go. -Thank you.

All right, you got it?

Okay. I'm gonna start with this felt cutout of a giraffe.

Do you know why?

-Why? -Because of its long neck.

You know what it says?

It's reaching for the stars, like me.

Okay, I'm just gonna glue that down.

Now, did you keep a diary

when you were in high school, Chassie?

High school? I didn't--

Oh, high school, yes, I did go to high school.

-Mm-hmm? -I went and finished

all the way to the top.

-Oh. -And in record time,

finished in record time and, um, I did keep a diary, yep.

Gosh, well, I bet that was just a page-turner.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing. It's just knowing you, I can only imagine

that your high school years must have been pretty... colorful.

Actually, my high school years were... picture perfect.

-Oh, really? -Yep, just a happy teenager

with lots of friends and loving parents who doted on me

and they were never drunk or abusive,

it was just a very pregnant-free,

very non-jail time.

And I'd call my friends on my powder pink princess phone

so I was never sad or lonely.

My daddy would...

he'd come in and he'd...

he'd brush my hair.

He would brush my hair and I had an autograph dog,

and they would line up around the block to sign it.

Oh, my.

And I had a tree swing and mommy would push me,

she would push me so hard, mommy, no...

on the swing, she would push me too hard on the swing.

Yeah.

Chassie, it's okay if your high school years

were a little rough.

Wait, are you-- do you think I'm lying?

Look, all I know is that I was very popular, okay?

And I certainly wouldn't have been friends with some balding,

bow-legged, lazy-eyed, one tit bigger than the other

potato teeth barren lesbian like you!

And you're no giraffe!

Chassie!

I don't have potato teeth.

I'm sure she's just hungry.

When we return, we'll meet an actual teenager,

so don't go away.

?

?

Welcome back to our special episode on teenagers.

Joining me now, 16-year-old Byron Stubbins from Knightdale.

Hello, Byron, and thank you for coming on my show.

Thanks.

Can I offer you some cold cuts from my cold cut tower?

No, thanks.

Mmm, teenagers love cold cuts.

I'm good.

Well, I guess I made it for nothing.

(whistle blowing)

Red alert!

Mayday!

I saw this teenage hoodlum enter your home

and I assume he's up to criminal mischief!

It's all right, Patty, he's supposed to be here.

I'm doing an episode about teenagers.

Stand down!

Back to your posts patrolling the cul-de-sac,

I'll take it from here.

Oh, Nutmeg!

Don't go near him!

Nutmeg!

Nutmeg!

?

Patty, this is my guest, Byron Stubbins.

Just because he's your guest

doesn't mean he's not up to no good.

Oh, yes, I used a double negative

because he is double trouble.

Now... what do we have here?

You pretty high and far out, aren't you?

What kind of kick are you on?

Wearing that leather band around your wrist like a--

like a wild Comanche!

I'm sure he's a good kid, Patty.

We can't let our guard down

around this dungaree clad teddy boy, not for one minute!

Oh, they're so cocky with their, with their pants and no belt.

Oh, look at me!

I can't abide by society's standards,

even if it means holding up my slacks.

Okay, thank you, Patty, now, if you don't mind,

I'd like to move on with the show.

Buh-bye.

I'm gonna be right outside this door if you need me,

and you will need me, Byron from Knightdale.

Nutmeg! She just planted those!

So, Byron, I understand teenagers have a lot of feelings

that they can't express.

No, I can express them.

Right now I'm feeling confused.

Oh, confused, interesting.

Well, can you be a team player

and add some feelings you can't express?

Because I know a lady who lives in a lodge

and she is going to show you the perfect hobby

to help give your feelings a voice.

-I have a voice. -Shh! Watch.

Welcome to The Lodge.

Today we'll show you how to make a simple craft

that will help you express your deepest feelings.

We call them emotion belts.

"Pain".

Here are some examples of emotion belts that Esther made.

"I hate writing on belts".

Nice job, Ester.

You really captured teenage alienation.

Of course it's no surprise teenagers

are rife with emotions,

as most are going through all kinds of changes.

Puberty can be a confusing time,

especially for teenage boys.

That's for sure.

You say that with such confidence, Esther.

Well, I've had a boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

Oh, you mean like a foraging companion

or a hiking buddy or a rowing pal.

No, just a regular boyfriend, you know.

I don't know, Esther.

Boyfriend, a boy you do stuff with.

Stuff.

Making out on boats, making out at the country club,

Frenching at the stables, you know, stuff.

Wow, the lodge is spinning.

Is it hot in here or am I just furious at you?

Why don't we get back to our emotion belts?

Using a wood burning kit

engrave whatever words describe what you are feeling.

"Stabbed in back".

You sure wrote a lot of words.

I have a lot of feelings.

That's it here at The Lodge.

We'll see you next time.

(parrot squawks) Arr, puberty.

? She's the lady who lives in the woods ?

(bell jingling) Uh-oh.

-Do you know what that means? -I don't.

It means our very special guest is almost here.

Now, last night I did a little research on you teenagers

by watching "West Side Story,"

and apparently y'all love knives.

So I invited my knife man,

and your new positive male role model, over to the house.

Knife man?

(door bell jingling) Did I hear someone say my name?

Oh, Tony! Thanks so much for coming on the show.

This is our teenager, Byron.

Hi, Byron.

Amy tells me you like knives.

I don't.

-He's shy. -Or lying.

Teenagers and knives go together like

peanut butter and stabbing.

There's a lot of do's and don'ts everyone needs to know

when it comes to good knife stewardship.

First of all, a knife is to be respected

and never underestimate it.

So don't turn your back on a knife.

Also, don't be intimidated, because

they can sense fear.

On the plus side, knives are an excellent judge of character.

I always run all my business decisions past my knife.

They let me know who I can trust, who to haggle with,

and who to stab.

Are you listening, Byron?

This man knows of which he speaks.

He is a knife man.

Byron, you seem like a sharp kid.

So I have a sharp gift for you.

How about that? It's a pocket knife.

We've been through it all--

hiking, whittling, light gardening--

we even lost our virginity together.

(chuckling)

Not to each other, of course.

I had this knife since I was a little boy.

I found it in my uncle Silvio's back.

She's yours now, Byron.

Very nice. Tony Pugnalata.

Promise me you'll take care of her, son.

Don't make me come looking for you.

(sobbing)

Oh, my goodness, well, that man has more passion for knives

than knives have for butter.

By the way, young man...

What are these?

Those aren't mine.

Well, I found them in this backpack.

That backpack is not mine.

I know, it belongs to my friend Chassie.

I was hoping it would spark a conversation about drugs.

-I don't do drugs. -Hmm, well, that's too bad,

because we put together this really good anti-drug film.

Byron, I want you to meet Russell Schnabble,

the Creative Director

for the Research Triangle Community Theater.

Well, hello, Byron!

-And hello, Amy. -Hey, Russell.

Before we get started, I wanted to give you a flier

for our new show, "12 Angry Jesus's".

We had the costumes from a previous production

of "Jesus Christ Superstar,"

but we could only afford to build a deliberation room.

I think it works-- the jury condemns

the accused to the gas chamber

and then he rises three days later.

Oh, well, this looks like a lot of fun!

So can I expect you there?

Oh, weekends are a little tough

because I'm busy with my free time.

We have a touring company, Amy, we could come to you.

-Well, I'll keep that in mind. -Okay.

So, Russell, tell us about your film.

Well, I am so proud of this one, it's a real passion project.

I actually mortgaged my home to finance it.

Oh, I thought you rented your apartment on Blunt Street.

I do, so let's just say my landlord is not pleased.

Anyway, this film demonstrates the dangers of drug abuse

as well as provides a meaty, meaty vehicle

for the Schnabble Players.

I don't do drugs.

That may be, Byron, but there are five struggling actors

who will be disappointed if you don't.

(projector clicking)

?

What you're about to see is true.

The names have been changed to protect the innocent

and make other people seem guilty.

The facts have also been changed,

as well as the locations, but the wardrobe is spot-on.

What is important is that the events depicted

in this film are... acted.

This is Corrine.

She processes invoices for a shipping company.

Corrine has a problem.

Always dotting my T's and crossing my I's, popping my P's

and yipping my Y's,

gotta get the decimal point in the right place...

(sniffles) That's me, little Miss Perfect.

What, these?

Oh, they're nothing. Just heavy narcotics.

(Russell) There are nine main symptoms

of drug abuse, but we only had the budget for four.

Corrine here is exhibiting symptom number one,

talking about drugs.

She's talking, but no one is listening.

(sobbing dramatically)

This is Bobby, and she ought to be in jail.

This morning I got loaded,

and I'm getting loaded again for lunch.

Guess what's on the dinner menu?

Baked ziti. I'm joking-- more reefer.

(Russell) Symptom number three,

horrible timing.

Hey, Connie.

(Russell) This is Walter,

he's a businessman.

But lately he hasn't been doing much business, man.

Th profit margins and the overages are a fraction

of the top percentile of my international profile!

Sell, buy, sell!

What?

This?

It's just secret drawer full of dangerous pharmaceuticals.

Why do you ask?

I call these my office supplies

because at the office they're all I need...

these and a stapler.

(phone rings) Why do you keep calling?

(Russell) Symptom number four,

bad phone etiquette.

And this is Teresa.

She had a bright future once,

but presently it's in the past, and that's yesterday's news,

because today she's answering phones

while her dreams are on hold.

Yeah, I'm holding.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Hi.

I took acid this morning.

It just helps me get through those times...

when I'm not on acid.

(whispering) I don't even work here.

I just walked in, sat down at this desk.

(inhales deeply) It smells so good in here

I might stay all week.

(Russell) Symptom number five,

accidental employment.

Drugs wrecked havoc on this office.

It's surprising these people

still make such great home security systems.

But now there is hope for people like this

because once a week I hold meetings

where they can get the support they need.

Hi, I'm Russell Schnabble.

If you have a drug problem

then why not have an acting problem instead?

The first class is free, everybody's doing it,

and the best part is, acting never leads to drugs.

Isn't it time you cleaned up your act... ing?

Well, Byron, what'd you think?

It's okay, Byron, just give me and honest opinion,

I can take it.

The movie seemed a little derivative.

Goddamn it! What do you know?

Oh, no-- Russell!

Russell!

I hope you're very pleased with yourself, Byron.

Russell put a lot of work into that film.

I'll bet you're real proud, big boy,

not a thought in the world for anybody else.

It all revolves around you.

"Me, me, me, me, me"--

isn't that your fight song, Byron?

Please, Patty, I can take care of this.

You give 'em an inch, they steal a footlong.

This is what they do-- selfish lack shellfish.

Patty, please.

Give me five minutes alone with him, I'll straighten him out.

Come on, fight it, fight it.

They only understand the rough stuff.

Amy-- (grunting)

You know what? I'm out of here!

You people are nuts.

(Patty) Let him go!

No...

Byron! No...!

?

?

Hey...

Is there room up there for me?

Go away.

-You look thirsty. -Leave me alone!

I bet you feel like nobody understands you, hmm?

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

Sometimes I feel that way too.

When do you feel like that?

A little bit right now.

-What? -See, I know a young man

who's pretty angry right now,

and I just so desperately wish that he could understand

that all I wanted was to be his friend.

I'm not sure I need another friend.

Oh, you think I'm talking about you.

No, I'm talking about this guy named Walter,

but I sure would love to be your friend.

So what do you say, Byron?

Can I come up there?

-All right. -Okay.

(grunting)

Okay, I got it.

There you go, it's easy.

(glass shatters)

(glass shatters)

Wow, you know, it's funny,

this used to be my thinking branch.

I'd come up here when I was feeling frustrated or alone.

Look, Byron, you want to know something?

You hear more when you listen, and I can talk for hours,

but everything that needs to be said can be sung in this song.

Can I sing?

-Whatever. -Do you play guitar?

-No. -Neither do I.

Turns out it was a big mistake lugging it up here.

?

? It's quite difficult

? To find someone who cares

? So difficult

? To meet the person who shares so when you find him ?

? Grab him, hold him so tight that he's scared ?

? 'Cause it's difficult ?

? It's arduous to call someone your mate ?

? It's onerous to find an associate ?

? And if you see him, track him, cage him like an inmate ?

? 'Cause it's difficult

? To find a matching set

? Or form a duplet

? A sweet tete-a-tete

? A menage-a-duet

? 'Cause sometimes things are better in pairs like ?

? Shoes or socks or Noah's livestock ?

? Eyes and thighs and twin rib-eyes ?

? Wings and lungs and double tongues ?

? Balls and boobs and bronchial tubes ?

? Odds and ends and things that bend ?

? I won't pretend I need a friend ?

Can we just be friends?

? It's not difficult ?

(branch cracking, both scream)

We learned so much about teens today.

Being an adult, there's a lot of mileage between me and...

I'm sorry, what's that?

What do you mean we're out of time?

I wasn't finished talking about teenagers.

This isn't fair!

Other shows get to finish!

I never get to do anything I want!

I hope I get pregnant!

I hate you! I hate you!

I hate you... I hate-- (shouting)

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