All language subtitles for Arliss s06e06 Like No Business I Know.eng

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make
their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is
that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never
wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started
something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be
beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're
together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started
something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss: It's not by accident
that Major League Baseball

is nicknamed "the show."

Giant media companies
are now buying

professional sports teams.

They understand that both sports
and media are entertainment.

Luckily, as an agent,

I'm welcome wherever I go.

Sorry, players only.

Oh, this is Arliss Michaels.

Nicky Nash's agent. He gets in.

If you say so, Mr. Wharman.

Sorry, Mr. Michaels.

It's okay. You're new.

Going to see number one son?

Three for four, one dinger,

when are you gonna
extend his contract?

When it expires in four years.

Nicky is your best player.

He puts asses in seats.

Without a new contract,
he's liable to get...

disgruntled?

You know, as general manager,

this extortion would be easier
to take if we hadn't just lost.

The Mouse expects the
same results from your team

that they get from theme
parks and dalmatians.

You got a gun to
your head, Eddie boy.

Ahh, it's a movie
studio. Fake bullets.

- Bullshit.
- (chuckles)

Hey... you comin'?

Uh, in the middle of a
four-game losing streak?

Max gets a little testy.

Fellas?

I said no, man.

Just a little sound
bite, anything.

I said no.

Arliss.

Hey, hey, hey.

Arliss Michaels.

Mudcat Burrell,

how is the voice of Anaheim?

This is nice.

Look, will you do me a favor?

Get me an interview with Nicky.

Oh, I'm sorry, he's
not talking to the press

until his contract is extended.

C'mon, Arliss, I'm
not gonna rip your guy.

I've been in the game
25 years, I know the drill.

And that's what makes you the
popular broadcaster that you are.

So...

just spoke with Wharman,

he's not movin'
on the extension.

Might have to win
a few games first.

I guess.

What's wrong?

Nothin', I'm just frustrated.

Well, sure, you're losin',
but you're playing great.

Yeah? Tell Max.

Guy's in my face,
"Step up, be a leader."

Why is he bustin' my balls?

Hey, speakin' of balls,

did you hear about the
guy with the five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

(both laughing)

Oh, my God, hey guys, come
here, you have to hear this.

Unbelievable.

(laughter)

This guy's dick was so
big, it had a knee in it!

(laughter)

What the fuck is so funny?

Did any of you notice we just
got our asses kicked out there!

Hey, sorry, Max, it's my fault.

I thought a little
levity might help.

You thought.

Arliss and I were
just talking business.

I don't care about Arliss
and you or your contract.

I care about winnin' ball games.

Fine. Hey, let me
tell you about the...

Get out.

I said, get out.

Yeah.

Sure.

You know, maybe you should
eat some bran. (chuckles)

Hey, Max, one more thing..

(laughter)

Now, that's funny.

Arliss: Awash with
new opportunities,

the union of media and sports

leaves me dripping
with enthusiasm.

Sean Palette
doesn't act the part.

See, Sean Palette becomes it.

When I agreed to
play Jimmy the Closer,

I knew I had to study an agent.

I had to learn how to eat,
drink, sleep, piss, shit agent.

My focus... is on you.

Well... first of all...

(phone rings)

Hold on.

Yeah.

Test screening went
well, yeah, good, uh-huh.

Keep me updated.

Got a film comin' out,

"Ragin' Pilgrim",
Oscar buzz all over it.

You know, you'd think that after
gainin' 40 pounds for "Gandhi in Love",

the fuckin' Academy woulda
nominated me last year.

But what the fuck? It's the
same fuckin' Brits every year!

But fuckin' enough about
me, I wanna know about you.

Well, uh, the first thing
you need to know is...

Kirby.

Lennox Lewis, line one.

Watch...

this is how an agent recruits.

Lennox! Hey!

Yeah, guess who
I'm hangin' with?

Sean Palette.

Sean Palette? No
way, he's brilliant.

He says you're brilliant.

I know. I know.

Well, listen, why don't the, uh,
three of us get together sometime?

Yeah, we probably
have a lot in common.

Like what?

Well, I'm a heavyweight agent.

Sean, I just wanted to say

I adored "Gandhi in Love,"

and I can't believe everyone in
the film was nominated but you.

I don't sweat the past.
I look to the future.

Well, if you really wanna
understand sports agents,

you have to go through
an executive assistant.

So to get to know this place...?

Just phone.

You know how to
phone, don't you?

Just put your finger
on the button...

and push.

Well, right now,
I'm trainin' for a fight,

so maybe you and Sean
can come by the gym.

Okay, Lennox, goodbye.

Do that again.

What?

The phone, the
phone, hang it up again.

Do it again.

Do it again.

(sniffing)

I can still smell it.

$2,000 suit, and it smells
like a fucking creamsicle.

I could send the bill to Max.

Oh, no no no no...

Max is gonna pay
a much heftier price.

Oh, I've seen that look before.

That prick embarrassed
me in front of my client.

Big mistake.

When somebody fucks with me,

I don't stoop to their level.

I go one notch lower!

You're going to the brass?

Oh, I'm not gonna
get my hands dirty.

I've got another plan.

Knock, knock. I
got your message.

Mudcat, come on in.
Rita, would you excuse us?

- Hey-hey-hey!
- Hey!

Hey, thanks for comin'.

Hey, I heard you took
a little shower last night.

Oh-ho, well, I'll tell you what,

if that's what it takes to
light a fire under the team,

it'll be worth it..

Well, that and a little
better pitchin' might help.

As usual, you're right.

Uh, listen.

I spoke to Nicky, and I'm
gonna try to set something up.

An exclusive.

Great! Great.

- Thanks, Arliss.
- My pleasure.

Hey, let me ask you
another question.

You still interested
in managing?

Does a beaver have a flat dick?

(laughing)

Maybe I can help
set up an interview.

An interview?

Another interview.

Man, I had three
interviews last year,

two interviews the
year before that.

I'll probably have
three more this year.

And you know where I end up?

Right back behind the mic.

And it could get worse.

I could try for general manager.

And then I wouldn't
even get the token nod.

Mudcat, you know that team
better than anybody else.

Make that a little clearer
in your broadcasts,

and the manager
spot just might open up.

What exactly are you sayin'?

Behind that mic,

you are the eyes
and ears of the public.

They know how things are going

because you are telling them

how things are going.

That studio Max works
for is very media sensitive.

Enough people say he stinks...

he stinks.

So you're saying...

you want me to second
guess Max over the air,

make him out to
be a bad manager?

Just call 'em as you see 'em.

I'll make the rest happen.

Remind me to never
pour Gatorade on you.

If the money's not there,
the player's not there.

You're not listening.

You're not listening.

You're not listening.
You're not listening.

Uhh, I lost you.

I was improvisin'.

Some actors work
from the outside in.

I work from the inside out.

Oh... sounds good.

But, an agent would never
hang up. Let the buyer do that.

Not Jimmy the Closer, see,
he's a man of action, not reaction.

Kirby, look, I need to g...

Sean Palette!

Hey, nice to meet you.

Do I know you?

Look at me. Do I know you?

Arliss, this is Sean...

Uh, Jimmy the Closer.

Uh, and this is Arliss Michaels,

founder and head of the agency.

Is that so? Is that so?

Uh, Kirby, look, I need the
number for Torre, Dierker,

- Bob Brenley and Buck Martinez's deals.
- Is that so?

All four, why?

Because each of 'em went
from the broadcasting booth

to the manager's office,
and I need comparables.

Look at me when
I'm talkin' to you.

Yeah, uh, look,
I... I gotta run, um...

Hey, great meeting ya, Sean.

- Huh?
- Uh, Jimmy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's it? Max is going
to the bullpen already?

Oh, my goodness.

Max may have gotten
out the hook a little early.

Well, I... I would have let, uh,
Schoenweiss finish the inning.

Arliss: I support the media,
and its First Amendment rights.

I think Piniella outfoxed him.

Because Max allowed Erstad
to steal, first base opened up.

Max must know somethin' I don't.

He just took the
bat out of the hands

of his best hitter.

Arliss: It's the
responsibility of the press

to be fair and impartial.

His club is tight... pressing.

If I were Max,

rather than extra
batting practice,

I'd have none.

Arliss: Without agendas.

Yeah, uh-uh...

Michaels. Well, well.

I guess you're too old
to run to your mommy,

so you ran to Mudcat.

I don't know what
you're talkin' about.

You know, I once asked Lasorda

what the toughest
part of managing was.

- You know what he said?
- What?

Dealing with the media.

Well, Tommy was
great at it, a gentleman.

Well, maybe he
should've included agents

in that statement.

Ooh, getting defensive, are we?

You don't know the first
fuckin' thing about managing.

A manager doesn't hit, he
doesn't pitch. I could put up

my best batter I've got, and
what if he hits a frozen rope

right at the third baseman?

Oh, manager must've fucked up.

Or what if my pitcher
busts a batter on the inside

and breaks his bat,
but the ball dinks over

to first base for a base hit?

I guess the manager doesn't
know how to run a ball club.

Manager's job is to
create favorable matchups.

Well, let's see how you match
up against Arliss Michaels.

I don't have to
match up against you.

I'm still the manager
of this ball club.

Huh?

For, uh...

how long?

Have a nice day.

Eddie: Arliss,
what is this bullshit?

I thought we were discussing
Nicky's contract extension.

Now, I'm thinkin' 11
years, a quarter of a billion.

I'm not firing Max because
he dumped Gatorade on you.

His 500 season is
dousing your career, Ed.

Max Scanlon is a solid manager.

The Mouse only knows
reviews and results.

The buck is gonna
stop somewhere.

Now, would you rather it stop
at manager or general manager?

Why don't we ask your boss?

Shit, CEO.

Uh, Mr. Levitz.

Hey, Ned.

- Uh, Ed.
- Right.

(clears throat) Um, Craig
Levitz, this is Arliss Michaels.

He's, uh, Nicky Nash's agent.

Pleasure to meet the Minnie
of the Mouse hierarchy.

Thanks. And the fans love Nicky.

- Maybe they'd stay past the fifth if the team could hold the lead.
- (laughs)

Well, maybe it's not the
players, maybe it's the motivator.

I don't know, something's
gotta change on that team.

Hope it's not the star player.

What's he talking about?

Uh, Nicky's contract extension.

See, I don't understand it.

Your studio pays Jim Carrey
$25 million for one performance.

Well, Nicky'll give you
162 performances for that.

I mean, wouldn't you
wanna tie up Mel Gibson

to an 11-year deal?

The man makes sense, Ed.

Make it happen.

Uh, I gotta take this.

It's Dustin. That means drama.

I got a nine-figure
project, he's tying it up,

because he doesn't
like the caterer.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, Dusty!

I make sense.

Let's get it done.

Oh, but...

with one small caveat.

Well, when the hell's
he gonna review it?

'Cause I need some
Oscar buzz goin' on here!

- Lennox, hey!
- Hey.

Thanks for invitin' us down.

- My pleasure.
- This is, uh, Sean...

Let's just cut
right to the chase.

Are you gonna sign
with me or what?

Because there ain't no better
agent than Jimmy the Closer.

- What's he talking about?
- Um...

Yes or no?

Yes or no what?

Yes or no?

Has he been hittin' the pipe?

He... he's in character.

Well, right now he's in my face,

and I don't like it.

You look at me
when I'm talkin' to you.

Is it yes or is it no?

It's no, and I don't wanna see

none of you wankers
around here again.

Wait, no, no, no, no.
Lennox, don't go, I...

Are you, crazy?

I've been working
on him for two years!

Yeah, clients, they
come and they go,

but Jimmy the Closer,
he's always there.

(phone rings)

Hello.

I worked two years
to get to Lennox Lewis,

and that egotistical,
self-centered

son of a bitch blew it!

(phone rings)

Arliss Michaels Management.

It's Jimmy the
Closer, put Kirby on.

Hello, Jimmy.

I'm not here, I'm sick.

I... I died!

Kirby's not in right now.

Can I help you with something?

Yeah, I need to know when me
and him are gonna get together.

Hang on one sec, Jimmy.

What's he want?

He wants to meet Kobe,

see how you handle
basketball players.

No, no way! No! No way! No!

Kirby's sick today, Jimmy.

But I'd be more than happy to
help you flesh out your ideas.

Yeah, all right, I'll
be there at six sharp.

Maybe 7:00, 7:30, 8:00.

(beep)

It's almost a done deal.

Everything we wanted and more.

Orders from the
big cheese himself.

Arliss, what about Max?

So long, Max.

Thanks for playing, enjoy
your lovely parting gift.

Arliss, I don't want
Max gone. (grunts)

- What?
- I like Max, he's a good manager.

You hate Max.

Sometimes. But I like Max, too.

I know he busts my
balls, but I need it.

Max is the reason why I'm
having such a good year.

Whoa, whoa... h...
hold on here, hold on...

you want Max to stay?

If you want me to
sign an extension...

you better make sure
Max keeps his job.

Understand?

Mudcat: Max Scanlon
has juggled the lineup

and put Kennedy
in the leadoff spot.

Hope he doesn't miss
Erstad's speed at the top.

We'll be back
for the first pitch.

Erstad's never hit Sele.
It's the right matchup.

Let's hope not. Did you
see yesterday's "Times"?

Yeah, Mudcat, um...

maybe we're pushing too hard.

You know, people
are startin' to talk.

(chuckles) You bet they are.

Perhaps we're not bein' fair.

Fair?

Nothin' about my
career has been fair.

But you said it yourself,

this was my best
shot at managing.

And it worked!

What... wait a minute, wh...
what do you mean, worked?

Wharman's having dinner
with the big cheese tonight.

He wants to meet
with me in the morning.

Wonder what about? (chuckles)

Wharman's having
dinner with Levitz tonight?

Yeah.

Mudcat, uh, help me.
I'm in a bit of a bind.

(chuckles) Shit.

I've been in a
bind for 25 years.

Yeah, I... I... I
know, but look...

you don't want a job by
badmouthin' somebody.

You wanna earn it.

Arliss, do you know
what a mudcat is?

Back in the minors, mudcats were
guys like me who got the shit uniforms,

who got to go over the
fence to fetch the balls...

Oh... "Hey, mudcat, no
room for you in the bullpen,

"go warm up in the outfield.

"Oh, hey, mudcat, no screen
for batting practice for you.

"Oh, hey, mudcat,
go take that locker

down at the very end,
next to the showers."

And I did. And I
kept my mouth shut.

Earn it? I earned it.

And we're back, and the
team is coming out on the field,

with the notable
exception of Darrin Erstad.

I bet they're gonna
miss his glove at center.

My goodness.

I think "The Widower"
is some of Mel Gibson's

finest work to date, and although
he loses his fifth wife in five films...

Oh, say it, say it
again, say it again!

You're better than Mel
Gibson. You're a better actor.

You're a better man.

Mmmmmm! Mmm!

What about Russell?

Russell who?

Oh, yeah! Mmm! Ohh!

We turn now to "Raging Pilgrim."

This much ballyhooed
Sean Palette opus

largely delivers the goods.

Oh, yeah.

Go, baby, go!

Plunges into new
territory for Palette.

Oh, yeah!

Unfortunately, Palette
quickly loses steam.

His characterization
here quickly grows soft.

Oh, no!

- It's okay, it's okay.
- No, no!

Limps along to an
unsatisfying climax.

- No, oh, no.
- It's okay.

No, no, I can't,
I can't, I can't.

Oh, it's just a review,
it doesn't mean diddley.

You're so much
better than Mel Gibson.

Oh, no! I can't do
this, I can't get into it!

I can't find the
right motivation.

I just can't... Ooh,
there's my Altoid.

(sobbing)

Has Ed Wharman arrived yet?

Not yet.

Thank God.

Well, I don't give a shit,

you just tell that agent
to go fuck himself.

Yeah, what?

I'm paying him $20
million to do this picture

and now he wants final cut?

Arliss Michaels.

I make sense, remember?

Listen, listen, it's a
$150 million picture.

It is ready to go, and
he's tying my hands.

Have you talked
to Ed Wharman yet?

Tell me, is Bruce available?

- Look, it's about Nicky Nash's deal.
- Shit.

This is not gonna get any better

unless we get another actor,
another star to replace him.

You better find somebody fast!

Who are you again?

The answer to all your problems.

And you can be
the answer to mine.

Is that so?

Kirby...

Sorry, jury duty.

Ucch.

Jimmy the Closer says hi.

Jimmy the Closer?
Huh... I don't think so.

Hey, Jimmy.

Just the guy I'm looking for.

Is that so?

Listen, it's about time you
studied at the feet of a master.

See how sports agents
really work. Come on in.

The most important thing
about being an agent...

is knowing where the action is.

Yeah.

And Jimmy the Closer,
he's a man of action, action.

Of course he is.

And do you know what
creates the most action?

Information.

Information is power.

Knowing what the client wants,

what the buyer needs.

I mean, it's... it's really
no different in your...

Excuse me, Sean's profession.

I mean, for example, I heard
today that Dustin dropped out

of the new Soderbergh film?

Great script, slam-dunk
Oscar nomination.

Too bad you're not available.

But the point is, had
you been available,

a good agent would get
that information to you

as soon as possible, so
you could get that part.

Gee, it's just too bad!

You... you would
have been perfect!

In the revolving
door of movie making,

Sean Palette has
ankled "Jimmy the Closer"

and replaced Dusty himself

in the new Soderbergh pic,

"The Lazy Eye."

In it, Sean will play
Danny Dombrowski,

a hard-boiled detective
who struggles with glaucoma.

I asked Sean what
drew him to the role.

I was attracted to the
character of Danny the Dick

because even though
he only has one eye,

he truly is a man of vision.

And I thought it would
expand my vision.

Oh, well, nothing
else is expanding,

I can promise you that.

Good riddance.

I hope I never see
another actor again.

Excuse me, I'm
looking for Kirby Carlisle.

Oh, my God!

You're Tom Arnold, right?

Jimmy the Closer.

Oh, no.

My focus...

is on you.

My f... brother...

my focus is on you.

Brother, my focus is on you!

We are announcing that
we've come to an agreement

with Nicky Nash on a new
11-year contract extension!

(applause)

Nicky will be with the team
for the remainder of his career.

We would also like to announce
a two-year contract extension

for manager Max Scanlon.

We like Max and we
feel lucky to have him.

Congratulations.

(quietly) Fuck you.

Finally, we would
like to announce

that Ed Wharman is being
reassigned to a new position

in the organization.

And our new general
manager will be none other than

the long-time voice of the team,

Mudcat Burrell!

(cheers and applause)

Thanks for helping
me out of that jam.

Oh, my pleasure.

First time I ever
traded an actor.

Arliss: One entertainer
stumbles, another takes his place.

The show must go on!

And I'm lucky to play a
small part in that show.

Ohhh!

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent entertainers!

These are my stories.

Hit it!

♪ One day you're a
pauper on the street ♪

♪ And no one knows your name ♪

Look, the buck stops somewhere.

It's not gonna stop with me.

I don't care how hot it is,
get out there and quack!

But I'm a penguin!

We don't quack, we... we wobble.

Go!

♪ Congratulations ♪

♪ All in the life
of an entertainer ♪

♪ Ohhh ♪

♪♪

♪ Come lend me your ear, a
recitation from Shakespeare ♪

♪ And if you find that a snore,
how about some Cole Porter ♪

♪ Show biz, the wonder
and the spectacle ♪

♪ There's nothing quite like
the world's most delectable ♪

♪ Sensational vocation that
comes with an ovation of applause ♪

♪ One day you're
the toast of the town ♪

♪ And your credit
extends for miles around ♪

♪ Next day, you're a
stranger in the land ♪

♪ They've boarded up the
theater and sent home the band ♪

♪ And you're back
singing for your supper ♪

♪ But you'll never stop
climbing that ladder ♪+

♪ All in the life
of an entertainer ♪

♪ Ohhhh ♪

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