All language subtitles for Arliss s04e06 The Changing of the Guard.eng

(dramatic music plays)

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of
becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make
their dreams come true.

- (water splashes)
- (theme music plays)

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is ♪

♪ That makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never
wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something ♪

♪ Oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met ♪

♪ You had a hold on me? ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be
beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're
together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started
something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me? ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ ♪

Arliss: In 1998, sports fans
had to endure the ugly spectacle

of an NBA labor dispute.

Fortunately, true hoops
lovers had an alternative.

The women played basketball
the way Dr. Naismith intended...

They pass, they pick
and roll, they play defense.

It's the perfect game for
the basketball aficionado.

You got it. You got
it. Shoot, shoot, shoot.

Come on! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Let's go. Let's go.
Show! Come on!

You get back. Get back, Loretta.

C'mon, girl.

Arliss: That's why I
have season tickets

and make it a point
never to miss a game.

- (whistle tweets)
- Rita: What do you mean foul, you motherfucker?

Arliss: But know this
about my clients...

During the NBA lock-out,
they took advantage

of their downtime to
improve their hang time.

- (record scratches)
- ♪ Get up, get up ♪

♪ Get up, get up,
get up, get up ♪

(mutters) Oh, my god. No.

- ♪ Get up, get up, get up, get up ♪
- (crashes)

♪ Give it a little
beat, no, get down ♪

Hey, Arliss.

John Starks!

How's my favorite
sharp-shooting shooting guard?

What you think? I'm bored.
When the strike gonna end?

Lock-out. It's a lock-out. The
owners are locking you out,

and don't you forget
it. Just remember,

- good things come to those who wait.
- Ha!

Nothing but net.
You got no game.

Listen to this fool talk noise.

Put your money where
your mouth is. (kisses)

You got it.

- They're everywhere!
- (yelps)

It's an infestation.

Jeez. I can't wait for
this damn lock-out to end.

If you really feel that way,
then back off your militant,

"We'll break the
owners' backs" rhetoric!

I have to be militant.

If the league implements a
predetermined salary structure,

we're fucked.

- ♪ ♪
- (video game noises)

Hey, hey! What's
up? How's it going?

- (chuckles)
- Fucked.

The average NBA
salary is $2.6 million.

Stanley, we are invaluable
to our basketball clients,

because we determine
what top dollar is.

If the league determines
what top dollar is,

then we become a
little less invaluable.

(plays harmonica)

Pretty damn good, huh?

Don't quit your day job.

Whoops! I forgot,
you don't have one.

Oh, Arliss, I forgot.

You have a meeting with
Derek Stinson in one hour.

- Derek, one hour.
- Bye, bye.

- Where you going?
- Early lunch.

Since when do you take lunch?

Since my work station
turned into a PlayStation.

- (video game noises)
- Arliss: Being consummate professionals,

My NBA stars continued
to maintain a disciplined

and focused agenda.

Derek: Look, baby, if we
had played on Friday night,

then I would have
been able to remember

I was supposed to meet
you on Saturday night.

But with this strike, I can't
keep my schedule straight.

- Woman on phone: Mm-hmm.
- So, honey, look,

Why don't we reschedule
for Tuesday night,

but I need you to call
me on Monday night

to remind me there's no game.

- Woman: Call you Monday night. Okay.
- Okay, cool, bye.

No fucking way.

Because of the lock-out, you need
to make some personnel cut backs.

For instance, can't you
carry your own cell phone?

I don't just carry
his cell phone,

I'm Director of Communications.

♪ You get gangsta... ♪

Hey, Arliss, you seen Kirby?

John, what's wrong?

That punk owes me
$400 from foosball.

♪ Gangsta ♪

♪ Hey, homey, no doubt ♪

- Haven't seen him.
- Ahh!

I'll kick his butt
when I see him.

Arliss! Me and my
crew, we go back.

We got history.

- History.
- You need to take some action, Derek,

Or else the crew at the bank
will decide that you're history.

Hey, man, I need staff, man!

He needs staff.

- ♪ ♪
- (clicks tongue)

- Kirby.
- Shhhh!

You're a posse.

I am not a pussy. I'm
looking for a contact lens.

Not "pussy," posse.

We need to keep Derek happy
until this whole thing's over.

I pay you to do nothing.

Now, Derek's gonna
pay you to do nothing.

No. Christ! No way
that I am being...

John Starks!

Okay, okay, okay.

- (cell phone rings)
- Jesus.

Yo. Casper.

My phone is ringing.

His phone's ringing.

Ugh!

♪ ♪

(gasps)

That's it! Time for a vacation.

Hana, Bali, I got to
get the fuck out of here.

- You can't afford to.
- Why not?

With all of these guys out of work,
there's nothing for me to do here.

I mean you can't afford to.

♪ ♪

What?

I finished the
corporate quarterlies.

How bad?

Our earnings have decreased
37 percent since the strike.

Lock-out. Lock-out!

This time of year
basketball represents

- 64 percent of all commissions.
- I know, I know.

Players aren't the only ones
having a cash flow problem.

That's why I've been
demanding cutbacks.

And I applaud your efforts to go

from four-ply to
two-ply toilet paper,

but it would also
help if you cut back.

Me?

Fly commercial airlines instead
of taking the corporate jet.

Fly commercial? Do you
know what that means?

That means walking
through commercial airports!

No, let's find some
other sources of revenue.

Exactly!

Other sources of revenue.

- Okay.
- We were not exploiting our female client base.

That doesn't sound right.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

You're right.

We haven't been exploiting
our female client base.

- ♪ ♪
- Arliss! What are you, crazy?

Me, be in "Playboy"?

Yes, you, Gabrielle Reece,

the spiking
supermodel of the sand.

You better be talking about
the "Playboy" interview.

They don't pay 150
grand for interviews.

Look what posing
did for Katarina Witt.

It sold over 500,000 copies,

and I'll get you a percentage
of every magazine sold.

Let me ask you something.

Would you ask one
of your male clients

to do something like this?

Pose for "Playboy"?

Arliss, I am serious.

You wouldn't ask a man
to do something like this,

because you take them seriously.

And you know what?

You're not taking me seriously.

But seriously...

(narrates) No one
respects the plight

of the female professional
athlete more than I.

♪ ♪

Oh! Excuse me, miss,
do you work here? I...

Nice help.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's
in my maybe pile.

Maybe pile? Maybe not!

- Give me back the shoe!
- No!

You think I can't take
you on? Not in this house!

- Get back. Get back.
- Ladies.

Get back, Loretta.

Hey, I know that voice.

Section six, row
double- "A," seat ten.

- What?
- Terry Shaw.

Oh, my god, you're one
of my favorite players.

Hey, when they need
someone to knock down a tray,

you the man.

Back off.

This is hers.

Girl, you got game too.

That time you
distracted Rebecca Lobo

and made her miss those
free throw shots in overtime.

Both: Nice bricks,
swizzle stick.

Hey, so what are you
doing working retail?

Hey, I only make
25 grand a year.

Plus the league doesn't
give us health insurance

in the off season, so
I have to work here.

Oh, I thought Arliss was tight.

In women's pro basketball,

you really gotta love this game.

Hey, I do. Rita Wu, fan.

Terry Shaw, basketball
player slash shoe clerk.

- (laughs)
- (whispers) I'll give you my employee discount.

Oh, that's so sweet, thanks.

Terry, do you have an agent?

What?

Arliss, at least hear me out.

- No way.
- Why not?

Too busy with your "sitting on
their asses" striking NBA players?

They're not striking.
They're locked-outing.

Terry Shaw makes
$25,000 a year, tops.

You can get her 30.

30.

One percent
commission, that's $1,200.

After overhead
we clear... nothing!

Besides, I presented
several female clients

with lucrative opportunities,

and they've each
rudely turned me down.

I told you that "Playboy"
idea of yours sucked.

Rita, the answer is no.

Arliss, remember
how you wanted me

to renegotiate our
medical premiums?

Look at this Sparkletts bill.
Are we bathing in this stuff?

Well, as your thorough
and conscientious assistant,

I make sure that
all our premiums

are in line with our claims.

Well, long story short,

I got a list of all the
procedures performed in 1998,

and one of them came
back as an elective.

Ooh. Seems someone
had a little cosmetic surgery.

Scrotoplasty is not cosmetic.

You had a ball lift.

I did not have a...

(whispers) I did
not have a ball lift.

Testicular torsion is no joke.

Oh. Were they hanging too low?

They weren't hanging low.

They were... torqued!

Ohh.

It was painful.

I don't believe this is a
proper workplace discussion.

No.

You better hope this doesn't
become a workplace discussion!

Rita! Rita!

♪ ♪

I'm sorry.

What were you saying?

(narrates) In a sports world full
of testosterone and machismo,

I consider it a special
honor whenever I add a sister

to the AMM family.

- Okay, now wait a minute.
- Oh, okay.

You ready? 1, 2, 3.

Okay.

- (clicks)
- (laughs)

Welcome aboard.

- Thank you, Mr. Michaels.
- Arliss.

I scheduled our meeting
with Grechen Schoobauer

- this afternoon at 3:00.
- Who?

The GM. Negotiate Terry's deal.

Oh, I'm sorry, today's
not a good day.

♪ Scroto, scroto ♪

♪ I love my scrotoplasty ♪

What time is the meeting?

3:00.

(blender whirring)

Okay, we got three pair of
jeans here, we got four shirts,

and do not dry clean the jeans!

He hates crease in the jeans.

- All right?
- ♪ ♪

And light starch on my shirts.

And light starch on the shirts!

Derek, what's going on here?

I'm getting ready for my
party. That's what's going on.

- Party, what party?
- My party. Oh, and by the way, man,

Nobody in the conference
room after 4:00. It's booked.

(mutters) Oh, fuck
you, James Naismith.

(phone rings)

(snaps fingers)

Oh!

(beeps)

Hello, Derek Stinson's life!

Terry Shaw is the spark.

When she comes off the
bench, she jumpstarts that team.

She is the most valuable
sixth person in the game,

and I demand a signing
bonus of $3.5 thousand.

Who do I look like, Bill Gates?

That's way out of line.

- Okay, 2,000.
- (baby cries)

Could you? I need to button up.

Arliss, our salary
structure is set in stone.

Terry fits the criteria
of a third-tier player,

which puts her at 25,000 a year.

This is communism.

Arliss, it's men who
make up the rules.

We're still fighting
for credibility.

People think we're a league
of... alternative lifestyles.

Her own free
mini-bar on the road.

We've got another meeting.

$1500.1500.

I'm not budging
until I hear 1500.

(narrates) There are some sports
that are easier than others to milk

when it comes to promotion.

Mmm. I don't know.

Sometimes I think
I'm just doing it wrong.

You know that Randy Newman
song, "Maybe I'm Doing It Wrong"?

I don't think it's possible
to do a blow job wrong.

Yeah, but how are you
supposed to, you know,

stroke, suck, and fondle
all at the same time?

- All the time trying to prop yourself up.
- Trying to breathe.

It's always better
when they don't stare.

Well, one thing is
for certain... moisture.

- Moisture is key.
- Moisture?

- Mm-hmm.
- Whose moisture?

Oh, yours. If your mouth
is wet, they like that.

Then it's, you know,
more vagina-like.

Of course, when it
comes to blow jobs,

the bottom line, ladies, is

whether to spit it out
or keep the change.

Very basic question.

- Mm-hmm.
- Absolutely.

I forget. How... how did
we get on this subject?

Health insurance,
dental insurance.

That's right, teeth. We
started off with teeth.

So, you didn't get
dental insurance,

but at least Arliss got you
a thousand-dollar bonus.

Well, then this
is my treat, babe.

Arliss: Some find it hard to
swallow, but women's time has come.

It was pure fate that
our paths crossed,

pure fate, and that's why
the number one draft choice,

Chamique Holdsclaw,
belongs here at AMM.

Actually, I don't belong here
right now. I belong at the dentist.

No, no, Rebecca Lobos, Lisa Lesley,
Cheryl Miller... they're all clients here.

They bring in big money in
endorsements. I love women's basketball.

In fact, I happily signed
a new client today.

What's that on your jacket?

Baby puke. Don't
worry, it'll come out.

Arliss, that's the four
basic food groups.

That will never come out.

Look, why don't you
mix with all the hundreds

of other basketball
players I've got here.

Go ahead, have a good
time. Mi casa es su casa.

Man: Hey, yeah,
come on now! Ball out!

Five, six, seven, eight.
Let's see what it says.

(flatly) I'm on the
edge of my seat.

You'll get married to a
woman named Shawana,

live in a French villa,
and have lots of kids.

Well, thank you, Glen. That
was... so close to insightful.

Why don't you go and visit
Kirby and give him his fortune?

I already have. He's going to
grow fat and old and live in his car.

Hey, Glen Rice, it's
good to see you again.

What's that on your shoulder?

Baby puke.

Don't worry, it'll come out.

It's the four major food
groups. It's not coming out.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

Mother's milk and Armani.

Umm, are you Arliss Michaels?

I'm sorry. Do you
have an appointment?

Oh, the two tall fellas at
the desk said I could come in.

Great.

So, what can I do for you?

♪ ♪

My name is Bert Shaw.

I'm Terry Shaw's father.

The league said I could
find Terry through you.

You don't have Terry's number?

Well... we had a
falling out a while ago,

and me and my wife, we're
not getting any younger.

Anyway, it's... it's time.

Well, I'd be happy to
take your phone number,

but understand, if Terry
doesn't want to see you,

I have to honor
my client's wishes.

Tell Terry I'm...

I'm trying to understand,

tying to understand the choice,

but it's hard when your
own flesh and blood

won't even talk to you.

So, the problem is...

a lifestyle choice.

(sighs) Well...

understand, Mr. Shaw, that
this situation is not unique.

It is in Emmett, Kansas.

Well, as a parent
sometimes you have

to accept your children
the way they are.

Are you a parent Mr. Michaels?

No.

I'll tell you what.

Some day, if you have a son...

and he grows up... and
on his 18th birthday...

he says he wants to cut off
his dick and become a woman,

then come talk to me.

Until then, you keep

your goddamn enlightened
opinions to yourself.

"Cut off his dick"?

If you see him... tell
my son I'm ready to talk.

"Cut off his dick"?

No!

Yes!

God, Terry? You mean
Terry was a... a Terry?

Oh, my god, that is so...

Disastrous!

Oh, nice recruiting, Rita.

Boy, you can really pick 'em.

You brought a mutant
ninja time bomb into AMM!

No wonder she knew
so much about moisture.

If this gets out, do you know
how embarrassing it'll be for us?

I can't believe this,

but I guess technically
now she is a woman.

I'm sorry. She is not a woman.

A scalpel does not a woman make.

You don't core an apple
and suddenly call it an orange.

That's a bad metaphor.

Well, let me metaphor
it for you this way.

Families go to the game.

Do you want your new
women's league motto to be,

"Hey, ma! Hey, dad! The
MBA had Magic Johnson!

We've got Magic No-Johnson!"

Oh, and by the way,
there's another issue here.

Forget your friend, you know,
we have other WNBA clients.

How is it gonna affect them?

So, what are you saying?

Oh no, it's what
you're gonna say.

♪ ♪

- Terry.
- Oh, hi! Come in, come in.

Just getting ready to leave.

We got Chicago tonight.

Oh, yeah, right.

Want something to drink?

No, thank you, I'm fine.

Okay.

A man claiming to be your
father came by the office today.

Really?

Well, that's funny.

A man claiming to be my father

came by my apartment today.

Terry.

My father... has a big mouth.

If it weren't for the fact that
he took a bus a thousand miles

to come and see
me, I think I just...

When did all this happen?

I've been a woman
all my life, Rita.

I just had to have surgery
to make my outside

match my inside, that's all.

I want to let you know that this doesn't
change the way that I feel about you.

I really care about you.

But, Terry, this
changes the big picture.

What big picture?

You need to quit the league.

Forget it!

If this gets out...

- It won't get out.
- Sure it will.

Somewhere out there is a
blue dress with a stain on it.

Oh, please.

It'll be another strike against
the credibility of the league.

Terry, you and I both know
that half of America thinks

it's all gay to begin with.

Wait 'till they find out
a transsexual's playing.

It won't get out!

Nothing gets by the media.

The fans can be really cruel.

All the booing, all the jokes.

The jokes?

You think the jokes
can hurt me now?

Do you realize how many jokes

I was the punchline
to growing up?

Well, maybe it won't hurt
you, but it will hurt the league.

Terry, finally, people are
realizing that women can play.

Play well.

But, Rita, I love this game.

(crying) Why are
you being this way?

Because I love it too.

And if you really
love it, you'll protect it.

Remove yourself from it.

Hey! It's her life.

Did you say, "Her life"?

That's right. I did.

You do what you think is
right, Terry, I'm with you.

I guess it's back
to retail then, huh?

Maybe not. There
might be another option.

♪ ♪

Hear ye, hear ye!

The strike is over!
The strike is over!

- Lock-out.
- Whatever.

- What were the terms?
- The players got clobbered.

Well, just be
thankful it's over.

- Yeah, I guess.
- Arliss!

- Derek.
- I need to talk to you, man.

Derek! I got your dry cleaning,

I alphabetized all your CD's by title,
not performer. I hope you don't mind.

The role of man servant
seems to suit you.

Actually, Kirby, I
got some bad news.

I got to let you go.

You said light starch.

It's not that, man.

Kirby, now that Derek's
back playing basketball

and drawing a salary, he
won't be needing your services.

No, no, no, no, no! Now that my
salary is gonna be predetermined,

I don't need your
services no more, Arliss.

What?

I've been re-evaluating
the situation.

We've been
re-evaluating the "sitiation."

I can save millions of dollars

by getting a lawyer to do my
contract on an hourly basis.

- Millions.
- Fuck that four-percent bullshit.

Fuck that four percent.

Nothing personal. Bye.

(snaps fingers) Adams!

(snaps fingers)

Vice President of
Communications.

Arliss: All's well
that ends well.

So, with the men back to work
and the women's league flourishing,

professional basketball
was one big happy family.

For me, the struggle of the
female athlete in America

is like a great novel,

with characters
constantly changing

from one thing to another.

And as with any great novel,

as one chapter
closes, another unfolds.

Rita: Woo! All right!

Are you sure you're gonna
be okay with this, Dad?

150 grand? Hell, I'd do it too!

(chuckles) Okay.

♪ ♪

That's my boy!

(laughs)

Woo!

Arliss: My name
is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ ♪

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