All language subtitles for Arliss s03e02 My Job Is to Get Jobs.eng

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating):
For most of us,

the dream of
becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

- (bell rings)
- it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make
their dreams come true.

(water splashes)

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is
that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never
wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started
something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be
beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're
together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started
something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss (narrating): When you
represent as many clients as I do,

it's inevitable that
some will end up

competing against each other.

On those occasions,

I always strive to maintain
complete impartiality.

What a win, I mean
total domination!

I'm sitting there going
"Touchdown! Michael Irvin!

Touchdown! Michael Irvin!"

Yeah, but could
you really tell, man?

Tell McDonald sittin' up
on the line of scrimmage

trying to be physical
and push me.

But you know, if you push me,

- I'm gonna push him back.
- You know what the good thing is?

The refs let you play.

Yeah, but it was a good,
clean, physical game

and that's the way the
refs should be in the game.

Good, clean, physical
game. Good football that was.

(somber music)

Jimmy, come on,
it's not your fault.

I mean you played
a helluva game.

That goddamn Michael Irvin
pushed off me the whole game.

Yeah, the refs are such pussies.

Not once do they have
the guts to throw a flag.

Yeah, fucking Dallas,

they've been getting away
with that stuff for years.

Yeah, well, personally, I'm not
a big fan of that team, you know.

(Chanting) Go, Arliss, go!

Go, go, go! Go, go, go!

Go Arliss, go Arliss!

Vent, let it out, let it out.

That's good, that's
good. That's good for ya.

Arliss (narrating): However, try
as one might to remain impartial,

there are certain
clients who you root

just a little bit harder for.

My name is Chet Smitrovich,

and I'm a recovering
steroids abuser.

Hi, Chet.

I first started using steroids

when I was in high school.

The league has
already caught me twice.

Once more, I'm
out of pro-football.

The shit makes
you stronger, faster,

makes you hit harder,

but the fact is, steroids
destroy your body.

Smitty's come a
long way, hasn't he?

Damn, I wish they had
beer at my meetings.

Girl: Steroids made me violent.

I pounded on my old man's head

like it was a speed bag!

My liver's shot, my
heart's palpitating,

- and my hair's starting to fall out.
- Man: Geez.

My balls, they... they shrunk
to the size of macadamia nuts.

Ooh! Ooh!

Now I thought I needed
steroids to compete,

but I'm determined
to stay off the juice,

and not just to save my career,

but to save my life.

(applause)

Hey, come on,

we gotta get to the game, okay?

Arliss (narrating): My
clients know I'm there

for each and every one of them.

But if they have to go
head to head in battle,

let the chips fall
where they may.

Pot's right, here we go.

Down cards, my man, Smitty.

The bus, Jerome Bettis.

The bus is getting
ready to roll.

Arliss: To my man, Kirby.

Anything wild?

No! No!

David Winfield, my boyhood idol.

Hey, you're old
enough to be my daddy.

To tailback extraordinaire,
my man, Quinton Halloway.

And I'm gonna
deal the last card,

last card, here we go.

Let's go, baby, I haven't
had a winner all night.

Some guy holding out

ain't gonna get any
sympathy out of me.

Yeah, by the way, nice
game you didn't play last week.

Kirby: Hey, I'm the
one that got screwed!

I got Quinton on
my rotisserie team!

The whole yard you
didn't gain last week,

I might as well
have Jackie Jizz.

All: Who?

Jackie Jizz?!

Nevermind.

Arliss: Guys, guys, guys,

lay off of Quinton
here, ya know?

He's not holding
out, he's injured.

Chet: Oh yeah, sure.

What's the matter with him?

You know.

Bruised ribs?

Yeah.

Pulled hamstring?

- Sore Achilles?
- Killer.

Oh, the same thing I had
when you held me out?

Exactly.

(all laugh)

I mean come on, the
guy made All-Pro last year.

You know what
the club's offering?

A two-year contract extension

without a guaranteed
signing bonus.

What the hell is that?

Arliss is right. You gotta
strike while the iron is hot.

Winfield: They need you, man.

You took them to
the playoffs last year.

Now football is
not like baseball,

you gotta get that bonus.

It's the only thing
that's guaranteed.

Two... Smitty?

Out.

Yeah, Arliss got me
$4.6 million up front.

- What's the bet?
- Two dollars.

Oh, that's too
rich for my blood.

Oh, I guess the
bus stops here, huh?

(all laugh)

Two and two.

- Ooh!
- Forget it.

I'm out.

(sniffing)

I smell a bluff.

Put your money
where your nose is.

Ooh!

Call.

Looking at a straight.

Oh, baby.

(whistles)

Aces full.

(all howling)

You gotta love this game.

Don't feel bad Kirby,
you came in second.

(all laugh)

Dammit.

Arliss: Okay, let's go...

I gotta get going.

It's only ten o'clock.

He's a baby,
gotta get his sleep.

Dad wants me working
out at the track at 6:00.

Good.

Chet: What are
you practicing for?

You ain't gonna
play us on Sunday!

You never know about that.

Uh, deal me out this hand, guys.

Yo, yo, yo Quinton.

Hey, man.

Look, um, don't let
those guys get to you.

I mean they're jocks.

I mean, you know, they're
just busting your balls.

It's just that missing
pre-season was one thing,

but now the team is 0-1.

It's not just me
that wants to play.

My dad, he's sort of pushing me.

That's because he doesn't
understand the situation.

Look, if you'd like,

I'll come by tomorrow
and talk to him.

Thanks, Arliss,
I'd appreciate it.

Oh hell, don't...
Don't appreciate it.

It's my job. I'll
take care of it.

Oh, uh, I'll cash
those chips in for you.

Thanks, Arliss.

Arliss (narrating): I look
out for all my athletes.

I encourage them
to reach for the peak

of their performance,

to strive for that
climactic moment

they know will come.

Yes, oh yes! Yes!

Oh, hold it, higher, higher.

(Rita groans)

You know, you could
have done one more.

You know, if you had a life

you wouldn't have to
be here all the time, Lexi.

(both laugh)

It's important to feel the burn.

Perhaps that's why you
walk across the finish line

at the Silver Lake
10K every year.

I don't walk across
the finish line,

I power walk
across the finish line.

(chuckling)

Didn't you suffer enough
humiliation last year?

Vomiting on the medic?

That's a lovely dye job
you have there, Lexi.

(scoffs)

Surely you know
I'm a natural blond.

Surely you know that
we shower together.

I'll see you on Sunday.

You'll see my butt as I cross
the finish line ahead of you.

Care to place a wager on that?

Say $100?

Make it $200 and you're on.

(Rita breathing heavy)

(thudding)

Hey, Arliss.

Rita... Rita?

Where's Arliss?

He went to go talk to
Quinton. What's this?

It's an order form
for a new video club.

"A Fist Full of Love",
"Good Moaning Vietnam",

"The best of Jackie Jizz"?

My man.

"Sticky Videos XXX Collection."

What does this come with?

Popcorn and hand lotion?!

No, no, no, you get six free
videos when you sign up.

I already got mine.

I need you to do me a favor,

sign right here
and I get six more.

You gotta be kidding!

I'd do it for you.

Oh, shit.

What?

Oh, my shoes.

How am I supposed
to race Lexi in these?

Lexi, the little dike Lexi?

She's not gay.

She turned me down.

(snorts)

Well, if you'd really
like to win this race,

I believe you'll
be following me.

Kirby, what are we
doing in the supply...?!

Shh, follow me.

(humming)

Open sesame.

Oh, my God!

It's all the
promotional freebies.

I thought the
clients got this stuff.

Oh, are you kidding?

Arliss "Ababa" thinks
of this as his treasure.

Son-of-a-bitch gave
me this for Christmas!

He said it was one of a kind!

Cute!

Oh, this is cute.

Not so fast.

And for your bonus tape,

I would like you to check
"Booty and the Beast."

That's it son,
you're looking good.

Come on now.

You gotta burn off
those banana pancakes

your mom made last night.

What do you mean you're
ending his "hold out"?

You heard me, he's playing.

You told me this
would all be over

before the regular
season started.

Mr. Holloway, if he
steps out on that field,

I lose my leverage.

If we're patient, we
can get a five-year deal

with a multimillion
dollar signing bonus.

This team has a chance to go
to the Super Bowl, Mr. Michaels.

Because of your holding him out,

his team's 0-1.

Great, think of the
leverage we'll have

if they go 0-2.

Don't you care at all about
the success of the team?

Frankly, I care less about
the success of the team

than I do the
welfare of your son.

The team cares about my son too.

They've offered him a
two-year contract extension.

Without a signing bonus!

Mr. Halloway,
with all due respect,

football isn't like
baseball or basketball.

There are no
guaranteed contracts.

If your son gets hurt,

the only thing that's
assured is the up front money.

That's why you've got
to get a signing bonus.

You do what you have
to do, Mr. Michaels.

But my boy's playing on Sunday

with or without a new deal.

Alright, son, there you go.

Yeah, you're looking
real good there.

Home stretch, here we go!

Bob, good news.

Quinton's clavicle is
really starting to respond.

I thought he pulled a hammy?

It moved to his chest.

Anyway, I've discovered
a new treatment

that's really gonna
help move things along.

Well, if you're talking about
a five-year cure, forget it.

No, no, this treatment
only takes four years

and a little pill for a bonus.

Make it a two-year
cure and take that pill

and shove it up your ass.

What are you gonna do?
Shove it up the fan's ass too?

You're already 0-1.

We don't give signing bonuses

for contract extensions.

That would set a team precedent.

So, set a precedent,
be a maverick.

Arliss, life is too short

and your bullshit is too long.

Goodbye.

(line disconnects)

No! Bob, Bob, Bob.

- Goddammit.
- (phone speed dialing)

Oh, wait a minute here.

(line ringing)

What is all this?

Oh, it's for my race.

I got it from Shoe World.

Oh, you shouldn't have
paid for all this stuff,

I could have got it
for you for half price.

Woman: Bob Whitney's office.

Cheap bastard.

Yes, Arliss Michaels
for Bob Whitney.

Woman: I'm sorry
but he's not in.

What do you mean he's not there?

I just got off the phone
with him two seconds ago.

Woman: Would you like
him to return your call?

Yes, I would appreciate
it if he'd return.

Kirby!

What's up, boss?

Oh Kirby, Quinton's
ending his hold out.

Whitney caved in?

- No, no, Quinton's father
is insisting - (phone rings)

He play Sunday.

- (groans)
- Yeah, I know, well, don't blame me.

I mean, what the hell could
I do? My hands are tied.

You know, you got him
a two-year extension.

Yeah, but without a bonus.

If he would have held out
just a little longer, I coulda...

Jimmy Johnson, line one.

Jimmy Johnson, what's he want?

Jimmy J., how's the majordomo

of the Miami Dolphins?

Arliss, where in the
hell is Smitrovich?

Have you tried
the practice field?

Smitrovich left early,

he said he had a
family emergency.

What kind of family emergency?

Jimmy, I...

Uh, yeah, I just heard his
grandmother just broke her hip

and the only one taking
care of her is her mother

and she's not feeling well.

I'm sure he'll be back just
as soon as humanly possible.

He had better be.

Later.

What's going on?

Arliss, they're gonna test me.

So, what? You don't know
the defensive schemes?

No man, test me for steroids.

But you're...

Shit.

When'd you start using again?

I started to get the
shit kicked out of me

in training camp.

So all the time you
were at the meetings,

you were just...

Oh Smitty, you know what
happens if you get caught this time?

That's why I had
to get out of there.

Okay. (sighs) So what
do you want to do?

I want to play.

How the hell are you gonna play?

I need a masking agent.

You gotta get me to a guru.

- No.
- Arliss.

- I'm not.
- Arliss, I need your help.

Smitty, this is dangerous stuff.

I'm worried about your future.

Well, I'm worried about
where I'm at right now!

Dammit Arliss, I'm
worried about that rookie

who's trying to
take my fucking job!

I'm worried about
getting crushed

by 240 pound running backs!

Smitty, listen to me.

You are playing with fire here.

Arliss, how long do I have left?

♪ ♪

So you're gonna help me?

- No.
- Arliss.

I'm not.

Sure, I know a steroids guru.

Good, then you'll, um...

- Take Smitty to him?
- I don't know anything about it.

What, you don't know anything
about Smitty taking steroids

or you don't know anything
about helping him mask?

Are you sure you
can't come, Arliss?

I'd sure like you there, man.

I don't know anything about it.

Kirby: Oh, I get it.

You want me to take
Smitty to the guru

but keep you out of the loop?

I don't know anything about it.

Kirby: We never
had this conversation.

We've never even met.

Kirby, just shut up and
get the hell out of here.

Let's go, champ.

I'll drive.

Woman: Oh, hi, how are you?

- I cannot believe what is going on.
- What's going on?

- You're supporting steroid use.
- I don't know anything about it.

- Don't give me the bullshit, cause I heard everything.
- Then un-hear it.

The man is taking illegal drugs.

Steroids are not illegal drugs.

Performance
enhancing substances.

He's cheating and
you're an enabler.

A survey asked
200 Olympic athletes

if they would take an illegal

but undetectable substance
that would guarantee them

a gold medal.

Three said "no".

Still it is not right.

I am not getting
into this argument.

Smitty is a client,
he wants to play.

My job as an agent
is to service the client.

Fuck being an agent,
what about being his friend?!

Meaning what?

Meaning what about the risks?

What about the long
term side effects?

What about the fact
that you're allowing him

to destroy his body?

Excuse me?!

Who is the person
who's always arguing

that what a person
does with their own body

is their own business?

It's his body, it's his call.

But you're helping
him and that sucks.

- (knocking)
- What?!

- Arliss man, you got a sec?
- Hey, hey, Quinton, come on in here.

Rita, will you excuse us?!

Of course.

Hey my man, how's it going?

I just want to say
that I know that

what you're doing is probably
the best thing for business,

but my dad, he's
sort of "old school".

Oh Quinton, don't
worry, I understand.

I hate to be in
the middle of this.

All I want to do is play.

Well, then you better get
ready to play by Sunday,

and let me worry about
Whitney, okay? Okay?

I hope he doesn't manhandle us

on "The Jim Rome Show".

What are you talking about?

Whitney's gonna be on
"The Jim Rome Show" today.

- Today?
- Today.

(dog barking)

Worms.

Man: Mr. Carlisle?

Boy, thanks for
squeezing us in, doc.

No problem.

I saw you in the
Super Bowl in Miami.

You had a helluva game.

Yeah, thanks.

So what are we masking?

Well, I'm stacking
nandrolene and stanozolol.

And where are you?

In the middle of
a six week cycle.

Alright.

A little ethacrynic acid
and some triamterene,

and we'll turn your urine
into Canadian glacial water.

You gotta pet or anything?

He's great with those too.

There you go.

Bring on that specimen cup.

Alright, thanks.

Listen doc,

there's something
else I could use.

Kirby, I've told you,

I dabble in athletic
performance,

not sexual.

Oh no, it's not for me.

It's not.

I brought you a little treat.

I prefer my treats
from Starbucks.

Oh no, this is better
than a frappuccino.

Especially if you want
revenge on Sunday.

What?

Do you think that I am
gonna take some drugs

just to beat someone in a 10K?

What, drugs?

This is a... it's
a power elixir.

(chuckles) It'll give
you a little boost.

Oh, get out of my sight.

This is more obscene

than your disgusting
video habit.

(scoffs)

(phone ringing)

Arliss Michaels' office.

Yes, it is.

Oh, Lexi.

I was just sitting here

getting all excited
about Sunday.

Oh well, don't get too excited

'cause you might
pop your spandex.

I just wanted you to know

that I'm going to
send you a survival kit.

Air sickness bag, Pampers...

Oh, and a flashlight in
case you finish in the dark.

(laughing)

Bite me.

Cunt.

♪ ♪

(rock music plays)

Welcome back,
you're in the jungle.

I'm Jim Rome, and we are
talking San Diego football

with general
manager, Bob Whitney.

Now, Bob, you guys are 0-1,

your offense is a joke.

Without Quinton
Halloway, you're over.

What up with his injury?

Oh, it's just one game.

Now, we saw a lot of positives.

Now as far as
Quinton Halloway goes,

maybe you should talk to
his agent, Dr. Arliss Michaels.

He seems to be the one
who has his medical records.

Now let's check
with the listeners

as we go to the phones.

"A-Dog" in Brentwood,
you're on the air.

Man: Romey, you are right.

San Diego's going nowhere
without Quinton Halloway.

As for the extent of his injury,

I just want to set
the record straight

(echoing): because
the fans of San Diego,

they've got a right
to know the truth.

Well, guess who
just grabbed a vine?

The maestro of
manipulation himself,

Arliss Michaels.

Arliss, Whitney here

has been cracking
you like a mother.

(echoing) Well, first off...

(phone beeps)

first off, let me assure
the great fans of San Diego

that Quinton Halloway
will be in uniform

just as soon as he
is healthy to play.

But I must say,

all this trade talk has
been very unsettling.

Trade talk, what trade talk?

Bob, is this true?

We have no intention of
trading Quinton Halloway.

Especially for what
they're offering,

two twos and a three, Jim,
do you make that trade?

Not unless I was on drugs.

No wonder the fans are getting
all pissed off. Romey, take a call.

Alright, Malcolm in
Escondido, you're in the jungle.

David (on phone): If Whitney
trades Quinton Halloway,

all the fans should
burn their season tickets

and start a bonfire they can see

all the way from
the Mir Station.

Good take. Rack that call.

Randy, from Valencia,
you're next up in the jungle.

Have a take, don't suck.

Jerome (on phone): Make the
trade, make the trade, I love the trade.

Wait, why?

Because I'm a Steelers
fan and without Halloway,

you guys won't score a point.

Steelers rule! Out!

This is Arliss, pulling
a bunch of shit.

Easy Bob, no four
letter bombs, please.

We're not trading
Quinton Halloway.

That would be tragic
because you and I

are a lot closer seeing Quinton
play than you might think.

Oh really, how close are we?

His injury's really
responding to medication.

Remember we started
off at five treatments a day,

then we went down to four,
now we're down to three.

Three, really?

Still I wouldn't like
to risk an injury.

I'd feel a lot more
comfortable if it was two.

Two might be pushing it.

It's two.

Two, huh?

Guys, the switchboard
is about to melt down,

I need a phone call.

However, if Quinton Halloway

can get to the field
on Sunday with two,

I would consider
that a precedent.

A precedent?

That would be a
bonus, wouldn't it?

I would agree to that.

Hey, you guys ever think about
maybe a contract extension?

Sorry, Romey. I never
negotiate through the media.

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): Different
agents have different priorities.

I pride myself in
that my players play.

Bob: Miraculous recovery.

You know, he power of
the mind-body connection.

Arliss (narrating): Sometimes it
means meeting people half way.

- Other times it means enabling
an aging player - (urinating)

To continue his career.

Wanna take a picture?

Arliss (narrating):
And then sometimes

it's a totally unique situation.

(laughing)

(panting)

Yes, great!

I won, I won!

Great race, Rita.

I did it! Oh, the bitch is dead!

Oh man, how do you feel?

You feel good. What is that?

(Rita screaming)

Arliss (narrating): Whatever the
situation, I do whatever it takes.

That's why my players play.

♪ ♪

(bones snapping)

Injuries, of course,

are an unavoidable
part of sports.

Some are minor,

some are serious,

and some are
absolutely devastating.

(beeping)

Well, he's out of danger

and we'll know
more after surgery.

Yeah.

Thanks, doc.

Dad?

I hurt.

Now don't you worry, son.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Isn't that right, Mr. Michaels?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

In fact, I'm holding
a spot for you

in next week's poker game.

(knocking)

Is it alright if I come in?

Sure.

Man, I'm real sorry.

It, um, it just...

It just made me sick to my
stomach when it happened.

I know exactly how you feel.

It's okay, man, clean hit.

It's part of the game.

Look, um...

I've got to... I'll be back
first thing in the morning.

I just, uh...

I just gotta get out of here.

Mr. Michaels, before you go,

I just want to thank you
for what you did for my boy.

♪ ♪

What I did?

Getting that bonus
money up front.

Thank God.

You were right.

Just doing my job.

Arliss (narrating):
After the game is over,

after the cheers have died down,

one must look at one's
self in the mirror and ask,

"Did I do whatever it
took the help my client?"

In the end,

the only one who
can answer that is me.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ ♪

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