Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy,

but for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(water splashing)

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Theirs are the best cherry popovers in the city.

Remember back in New Haven?

Oh, the old waistline

has expanded quite a bit since New Haven.

Too rich for my blood.

Shall I procure for us a bottle of champagne, Stanley,

perhaps Dom '85?

With breakfast?

Well, it is my ardent hope

that you and I will have something to celebrate this morning.

Well, I thought about your job offer, Alvin,

- I thought about it a lot. - And?

And I wrote a letter of resignation

to Arliss.

That's splendid!

I never gave it to him, though.

I see.

Please understand.

I'm flattered, you have a terrific agency.

You represent a lot of great athletes.

Great black athletes.

But Arliss has been very good to me.

Arliss Michaels

reaps millions of dollars in commissions

from the sweat of our brothers,

magnificent black warriors of sport.

But when it comes time to share these spoils

with the brother who works for him day in, day out...

Alvin, please,

this is me, not "Nightline."

(chuckling)

Okay.

All I'm saying, Stanley,

is you've got to go where you're appreciated.

Arliss takes you for granted.

He doesn't really listen to you

when you talk, the way I would.

Arliss appreciates me in his own way.

So, I can assume he's offered you stock options,

increased your areas of responsibility and autonomy,

promised to make you a partner in 24 months.

All the things I've offered to do?

Well, as they used to say

on "Monday Night Football":

"You make the call."

Arliss (narrating): I'm always asked, what is it about me

that inspires loyalty among my people?

Coffee?

Two things: Communication and patience.

I'll get you to the airport

in 12 minutes flat, Mr. Michaels.

Unless you're anal about red lights.

I just gotta get my briefcase upstairs

and we're outta here!

Arliss, I've been looking for you.

It's Skip, Skip Lewis!

Oh, yeah, yeah! How you doing, buddy?

- Got a second? - Actually, I don't.

Great! The thing is I was hoping you can get me Wayne Gretzky

to sit on the dais for this black-tie thing I'm throwing for tourette's research.

You know, "shit, piss, fuck!" Those guys?

Wonderful cause! Wonderful! Let me get back to you on that, okay, Skip?

I also do fundraising for Deaf Children USA.

I've written a fundraising song.

Sort of a "We Are the World" type thing.

We're cutting it next week, everybody's gonna be there.

Great!

Lainie Kazan, Jack Jones.

He's good.

The Beach Boys.

Arliss (narrating): I'm only too happy to listen to every idea,

big and small.

Cassidy, Sinatra.

Well, not senior, God bless him,

but junior who I think's even better.

You name it, they're gonna be there...

Arliss (narrating): Because for every 100 bad ideas,

there might be one good one.

♪ They're the kids who hear bad but they don't feel sad ♪

That's very catchy. Very catchy.

♪ They're the kids who hear bad but they don't feel sad ♪

♪ They cannot hear, but they can listen ♪

Skip, it is good seeing you, Good seeing you. God bless you.

God, this place is awesome!

Didn't think you were gonna be here today.

Who's here? I am not here.

What you see... hologram. This is a hologram.

By the way, give a picture of Skip Lewis

to the guard desk downstairs.

Kirby: Yo, Brett Favre, yeah, we're all set.

Why don't you meet me in Arliss' office

in about an hour?

I'm confused, Kirby,

is this your thing or does Arliss want me to do it?

No, Brett! No, no, this is his whole thing.

It's just that he's delegated complete autonomy to me.

Right.

Bye!

Hi, boss, I was just cleaning up.

I didn't expect to see you.

- Obviously not. - Your trip off?

Trip is a go.

I just spoke to Captain Scott.

Wheels are up in...

77 minutes.

Great, great, 'cause you deserve it!

Later.

So what's this secret trip you're taking?

Can I trust you?

Of course you can.

Okay, it's a trip, and it's secret!

Get outta here!

(phone dialing)

Hi, it's Arliss Michaels.

Is "Operation: Closure" still a go?

Good, good, I'm on my way.

Arliss (narrating): I'm as open and honest with my employees

as they are with me.

Uh, messages.

Your Aunt Rosie called wanting to know

- how she can get in touch with you. - Nice try.

- Arliss... - Arliss is not here!

Do you think you can get Shaq

to do a Pips type thing in the background?

You know, doo wop, doo wop.

- Arliss! - Hologram!

Psycho-gram, it's Sammy Stilton.

I'll call him from the car.

No, he's ranting Code Red!

Shit!

Yes, Sammy, he's right here.

Sammy Stilton, how's the Svengali of center field?

I'm pissed, Arliss! Why I gotta call you?

You should be calling me this morning about all this bullshit!

- What bullshit? - You're supposed to be my agent, man!

"What bullshit?" Shit!

USA Today, fast. Fast, fast!

No, no, no, I said "What bullshit!"

And it was! In fact, I've never seen such bullshit in all my life!

What you gonna do about it, man?!

What am I gonna do about it? I am on it right as we speak!

They're not gonna get away with this!

And you can quote me!

My wife watched the tape on the news this morning, man!

She says it's bullshit too!

Huh, baby?

Donna here agrees with her!

Well, they're both right! It makes me so goddamn mad!

Although, I must say you are handling it with great dignity!

Aw, man, they're showing it again on ESPN!

Call me back, Airport Suites!

ESPN, quick.

It began innocently enough, when Sammy "Rumpel" Stilton

appeared to make a game saving catch

in the bottom of the 16th.

But second base umpire, Paul Reston begged to differ,

ruling it a "trap."

He's robbed, he's robbed!

News anchor: That started fireworks...

Okay, so Sammy got screwed. But I got 46 baseball clients

who are getting screwed all the time. What's the big deal here?

(crowd groans)

Umm...

That's probably the big deal.

News Anchor: By the looks of it, Stilton is getting himself

into a very sticky situation.

And I think we'll see the biggest suspension

this side of the Varrazano Narrows bridge.

Ohh.

Oh, shit!

You ready to rock and roll, Mr. Michaels?

- I'll be with you in just a minute, okay? - You got it.

You want me to get the A/C going?

I can have the back seat at 72 degrees

- in four minutes flat. - Yeah, great, whatever.

Look, tell Stanley to come in with Sammy's latest contract.

Stanley's not here.

Stanley's here.

Great, I need you.

You got me, what's up?

Grab Sammy Stilton's contract.

Call me in my car in 30 seconds and read it to me.

That's it? Just read it to you.

That's it, simple stuff.

Thanks.

Arliss.

What?

This is for you.

What is it?

Nothing, just...

when you get a moment.

Sure.

(exhales deeply)

What?!

Quitting?

Did you get to the stuff about how much I respect and admire you?

How I will always be grateful to you for your wise...

How could you just stab me in the back like this?

I've always thought of us as brothers.

Well, brothers can work at different companies.

And where's brother Stanley going to work?

The Alvin Epps Agency.

Epps?!

You're leaving me for Epps?

So this is a black-white thing, huh?

No! It's a "You don't listen to me" thing!

I don't listen?!

- Well... - I don't listen!

You think I don't listen to you?!

Me, Arliss Michaels, Mr. Attentive!

You hear that? I don't listen!

- Rita: Arliss... - Later!

Stanley, I want to listen to you.

Right now.

You're making fun of me.

No, I am not.

We will order in lunch, we will order in dinner.

You'll talk, I'll listen. I'm not going anywhere.

You're going out of town!

That's right, okay.

So, we'll start talking now and then we'll continue when I come back, okay?

So, tell me all about Stanley Babson.

His hopes, his dreams, his goals for the future.

Really?

Really.

Well, if you're serious...

Let's begin with my responsibilities.

I wanna be a part of a place

where I can get a real opportunity...

Sammy Stilton on two and he's breathing fire.

I'll call back.

Stanley's talking now.

And that's priority number one.

Well, Sammy says if you don't listen to him right now,

he's gonna find an agent who will.

Thank you.

I'll be right back.

I think we're off to a real good start here.

Mmm...

I know what it is, Scottsdale, a golf thing.

- You guessed it! - Fuck you.

Hey, buddy, it's Kirby.

Hey, Kirby.

Just about to head over.

Great, but listen, a change of plans.

Okay? Yeah. Don't come to the office.

Arliss is still... just...

Just don't come here, okay?

Just meet me there.

Okay, bye.

Lisa Leslie.

Hey, Kirby.

Just the person I wanted to talk to.

Sammy, I tried to call you back but the line went dead!

It's been happening all morning here!

If you ask me, it's that damn deregulation!

Alright, Arliss,

you've seen the tapes, what you gonna do about it?

Oh, Sammy, I'll tell you exactly what I'm gonna do about it.

Arliss?! Hello!

You hung up on him?

No, no, no, we were disconnected.

Don't worry I'll call him back in 30 seconds from the car.

But I have got to get out of here.

What's happening with Stanley?

Stanley (on intercom): Stanley Babson.

Stanley, meet with me at the elevator.

We'll ride down together, we'll talk in the car.

Look, if you're too busy...

No, no, no, I'm never too busy for you!

That's the perfect place, the car.

No distractions! I'm be able to focus on Stanley Babson!

Okay, the elevator, I'll be right there.

What is this all about? Is he getting a raise?

Cause if he gets a raise, I should get a raise.

- I worked here two years longer than him. - Not now! Not now!

Not only that, you never took me to "Riverdance"!

♪ Deaf kids USA, all the way ♪

Hey! Great, great.

The kids are gonna be thrilled.

Arliss...

Lisa Leslie,

how's the first lady of lay-ups?

I have a problem with this Nike commercial Saturday.

Problem, what problem?

NBC wants me to do the Laker playoff game

on the same day.

We have to talk now.

Sure, sure.

Why don't you come with me to the airport.

I'll bring Stanley, we'll solve this thing.

And what's this kid's clinic Kirby has me doing next week?

Kid's clinic?

Rita: Arliss, a fax just came in for you!

Arliss doesn't exist!

No, no, no, it's urgent, it's from the American League.

Get me the Player's Association.

Lisa, I'll meet you at the elevator

in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

So, Brett, don't really ask him for a beer or anything like that,

'cause they're like Saudi Arabian, you know, royalty,

or something like that.

Saudi Arabia?

What's going on, Kirby?

I thought you told me I was donating my time

for a kid's clinic.

No, "kid" clinic, kid clinic.

And there's the kid, hey!

Hello!

Hey!

Let's go meet him.

Six weeks?!

Donald, you're the head of the Player's Association.

This is the most unfair suspension of all time!

I mean, we haven't even heard Sammy's side of the story yet!

I hear you, Arliss, but this is a tough one.

Well, that's your job is to deal with tough ones!

I know it, but just relax, have the player call me.

Donald: Arliss, are you there? Arliss?

I spent ten minutes at the elevator.

Didn't run into you.

- Donald: Arliss? - Donald, hold on.

Stanley, I am so sorry.

This will just take a minute.

I did run into Lisa Leslie.

Solved her schedule conflict with a phone call to Nike,

which I know exceeds my authority around here,

but what doesn't?

- Stanley, don't... - Look.

Let's just do this cleanly.

No need to blow smoke up my ass.

Things end, people move on, no big deal.

- Donald: I'm hanging up now! - Donald, I'll call you back.

Stanley, Stanley, we'll talk now. We'll talk now.

Listen to me,

I would never blow smoke up your ass.

You know why?

Because you're too valuable to me.

Who else would you tell to wait at the elevator

and then forget all about them?

Lisa Leslie.

Okay, bad example.

Who else would still be doing the same job for you

with no increase in responsibility

five years after you hired them?

Rita and Kirby!

Look, I don't take you for granted!

And to prove it,

I'm gonna make your paycheck a little bit fatter.

I knew it!

Excuse me, this is a private conversation.

Oh, fine, and when you're through,

you and I will have a private conversation.

What the hell are my bags doing here?

The limo driver left them at Reception.

He said he waited as long as he could

but he had another airport run to do.

- What?! - Don't worry.

They're sending another car.

It should be here any minute.

I don't have time for another car.

Look, tell Kirby he's gotta take me to the airport.

Kirby's not here.

Okay, then, you'll take me.

Oh, sorry, I'm taking allergy medication.

Can't operate heavy machinery.

Especially what you pay me.

Oh, I guess you want me to take you.

Sort of a "Driving Mr. Daisy" thing?

Furthest thing from my mind.

I'll get a cab downstairs.

Because you have important work to do here,

fulfilling autonomous work.

Do me a favor, grab this thing.

Arliss, I changed the ending of the song.

How about "oh" in harmony?

Not now! Not now! Stanley, look.

I'll call you from the plane.

We will talk as long as you want.

If we're still talking by the time the plane lands, I won't let it land.

I'll make 'em head out to sea and fly until the plane runs out of fuel.

But I have got to get out of here.

Look, tell Sammy Stilton I will talk to him as soon as I get to League.

- Yo, Arliss! - Sammy!

Look, no more phone calls, man.

We gotta talk face to face right now! So, come on!

Yeah, yeah. I was just saying "Where's Sammy?" Wasn't I saying that?

I was saying, "Where's my friend Sammy?"

Listen Brett, why don't you show Fahad there

that Brett Favre Super Bowl special and I'll catch 'em?

See here, grab the laces right here.

That's what makes it spiral.

Robert Brooks into the stands!

Your son is gonna remember this moment

the rest of his life.

Worth every penny.

So, what did we say, $50,000?

That is correct.

The same as my golf lesson with that fuzzy gentleman.

Hey listen,

how would you like to have Lisa Leslie

teach that pretty daughter of yours

that pretty jump shot of hers?

- Ah. - That would be excellent.

Show me, like, your fastest pass.

Hey, good idea.

So, the totals for today and the basketball lady would be...

No, no, not here, not here!!

(groans)

Six week suspension?!

No, man, they can't do that!

Unfortunately they can.

Now, I'll fight it,

but after this Alamar spitting thing.

I mean, the Umpire's Association, they're on the warpath.

"You dumb monkey, go eat a banana."

- Excuse me? - That's what the dude said to me, man!

The umpire! He called me a monkey

and he told me to go eat a banana!

That's what I've been trying to tell you, Arliss!

He really said that?

Fuck yeah, man!

I'm telling you! Umpires, they're going psycho these days, man.

That's a complete breakdown

of moral fucking authority, right?

Did anyone else hear him say it?

No, He leaned in real close and he said it.

So it's your word against his.

He said it, Arliss!

Look, make him take a lie detector test!

Just prove he's talking shit!

Otherwise I'm gonna look like a national piss-pot!

Shit!

Look, I believe ya!

But I just gotta find a way to prove this!

Skip: ♪ But they don't feel sad ♪

♪ They're the kids who hear bad ♪

♪ But they don't feel sad ♪

♪ They can't hear, but they can listen ♪

Stanley, I need your help with the Sammy Stilton thing.

Fine, what file do you need?

Not files, I need you

to meet with me, Sammy, and Skip Lewis.

Skip Lewis,

that annoying charity guy?

Why?

Last night's game.

Maddy, you ready to give this a try?

She's great, Arliss.

Of all the deaf kids I work with,

she's the best lip reader.

We're gonna test it out. Okay, Shaq, cover your ears.

Cover your ears.

Tell me what I'm saying now

with all the precision you can manage.

"Tell me what I'm saying

with all the precision you can manage."

Cool!

(Skip laughs)

Okay, you ready?

Let's do it.

The umpire said,

"Please sit down, you're being unreasonable."

What?!

Oh, no. She's kidding.

Maddy's little joke.

(Arliss chuckles)

Arliss: Very funny, very cute, very funny.

The umpire said...

"You dumb monkey, go eat a banana."

I told you Arliss, I told you!

This kid's got it going on! (whoops)

Maddy, how would you like to meet the president

of the American League?

Go to a game, get a ball.

Yeah, okay, good. Stanley's gonna take you.

Me?

Yeah.

This is important.

I need somebody I can count on.

Wait a minute, Arliss, you're not gonna go?

No, Stanley's gonna go with ya.

He's the best man I've got working here.

You still work here, right?

- Right. - Good.

Let me listen to what you gotta say.

Well, Sammy...

you still face a suspension.

Touching an umpire, no way to un-ring that bell.

But, long after you're back at center field

that umpire's still gonna be watching ball games

from a barstool and you can quote me on that.

Sammy: Okay, I'm down with that.

Stanley: Well, here's how I see the meeting,

I'll open with the tape and then segue...

(whistling)

Betty Ford.

Arliss (narrating): Every meeting I attend is my most important.

Enthusiasm is contagious.

What excites me, excites others.

(sighs heavily)

Please, forgive me, I got here as soon as I could.

Thanks for waiting.

You got 30 seconds.

Okay.

A collection of stories about my exploits

as a sports super agent is about to be published.

And I wanted to come to you first

because I think it would make one hell of a TV series.

It's funny, it's sexy, it's sports, it's America.

And the only place for it is on HBO.

It has Ted Turner written all over it!

So what do you think? Do you love it?

Hate it. Who'd watch dumb-ass stories like that?

No, no, you're wrong!

This is a home run, a slam dunk, a no-brainer!

Pass, I gotta go.

Ted, listen to me!

You're making a mistake here.

Don't make me give this to Rupert!

(humming)

Ted, you're not listening to me!

We're gonna pack this show full of sports cameos.

We begin and end every episode with...

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my dumb-ass stories.

(Ted humming)

♪ ♪

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