All language subtitles for Arliss s02e07 The Real Thing.eng

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make
their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is
that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never
wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started
something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be
beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're
together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started
something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss: In this dark age
of crass commercialism,

we're blessed to have future
Hall of Famer Dan Manville.

He is the real thing.

In the year Dan was about to do

what no ballplayer
had ever done,

hit his 500th career home run

to go along with his
500 stolen bases,

he knew that I, his
agent and friend,

would not cheapen this
monumental achievement.

Presenting... the Manville
500/500 experience.

Wow, that thing makes
John Madden's bus

look like a fuckin' Yugo.

Arliss: Coming soon
to a mall near you.

Our museum on wheels,

ready to roll just as soon

as Dan hits that magic dinga.

Stanley: Ten months, 46 cities.

Its final destination:
Cooperstown, New York!

This will be the mother
of all memorabilia tours.

Wait till you hear
what I've lined up.

So I'm tellin' you, the only place
to kick off this tour is Baltimore.

And who better than
Frank Robinson?

Will you be there for me?

I'll be there for Dan
"the Man" Manville.

500 home runs, 500 stolen bases.

And I wanna start
the tour off in Atlanta,

and I want you,
hammerin' Hank Aaron,

to help us kick off the tour.

- Will you do it for me?
- Yes, I will.

I'll be there. Sure will.

And I wanna kick off
the tour in St. Louis,

and I want you, Ozzie
Smith, to be there for me.

Will you be there for me?

I'll be there for you
'cause Dan's the man.

We're gonna do a
whole tour around it.

And you know where we're
gonna kick off the show?

Where?

On your show.

- Larry, what do...
- I'd be honored.

- Well, I'm gonna hold you to it.
- You got it, it's a deal.

This tour should
bring in conservatively,

between $4.5 and $5 million.

- Our slice of the total
pie, - (cash register rings)

50 percent as promoters,

plus... 20 percent of
Manville's 50 percent.

- (cash register rings)
- Aren't we forgetting something?

Like?

Like, the ball?

Without which, we have no tour?

Kirby, you are so right.

That's why, for the lucky fan

who catches the
500th home run ball,

we've put together
a little goody bag.

Rita, tell them what
they're gonna get!

500 free hours of
phone calls from Pac Bell,

the official long
distance carrier of...

Arliss/Rita: the Manville
500/500 experience.

- (cash register rings)
- A complete wardrobe from Botany 500.

The official Friday night
evening wear sponsor of the...

Arliss/Rita/Stanley:
Manville 500/500 experience.

(cash register rings)

In short, anything
and everything

with the number 500 on it.

And finally, the grand prize...

a $100,000 savings bond

courtesy of Arliss
Michaels Management.

Boss, you're puttin'
in the 100,000!

Fuck no. Lucas
Sterling of Lucasware,

the official internet
provider of...

The Manville 500/500 experience,

is underwriting it.

$100,000, but didn't
somebody cough up,

like, $500,000 for Eddie
Murray's 500th home run ball?

Exactly, that's why our
offer is a preemptive strike

against another lunatic
trying to buy the ball.

Oh, and let's not forget,

we are talking Botany 500, here.

Kirby, it's gonna be
your job to get that ball.

Wherever and whenever
it is hit, I want you there.

Whoever catches that ball,

I don't want them
talking to anybody.

I want you to bring them to me.

Directly to me. Do not pass go.

Do not stop to bet $200.

This tour depends
on us getting the ball.

Understand?

Sure...

Kirby: yeah...

I'm your guy!

Arliss: His milestone
rapidly approaching,

Dan sought refuge at his
simple home in the country.

Stay close, don't
drop your hands.

Don't open up, keep
your shoulder tucked.

Hey, hey, hey, how's
the king of swing?

Swingin' late.

(chuckles) How
you doin', Arliss?

It's nice to see you.

You remember Ted Higgins.

Bullpen coach?

Right, yeah, good to see you
again, Ned, good to see you,

good to see you. Look,
you guys don't mind me.

Just keep doin'
what you're doin'.

Oh...

You're droppin' your hands.

(laughs) Is the bat too heavy?

See... I can get
you a lighter bat.

Uh...

Somethin' wrong?

Ugh... I just can't wait
for this whole thing

to be over with, you know?

I mean, the family flyin' in.

They all wanna
be here for D-Day.

Right? I mean, it's
like... they're fightin' for

who's gonna get which
room upstairs, like, aahh!

He is havin' trouble
staying focused.

That's no good, look, I'll put up
your family in a real nice hotel.

It'll be my treat.

No, that's okay, you
don't have to do that.

No, no, you don't need
any distractions, Ned's right.

You need to stay focused.

Thanks, Arliss.

Okay, all right.

Hey, uh, Ted, uh, I need
to talk to Arliss for a sec.

Could you, uh, could you run inside
and grab us a couple Snapples?

Grab one for yourself, too.

(sighs)

Hey-hey, check this out,

I started your
own website for ya.

Courtesy of Lucasware,

the official internet
provider of the Manville...

You know, Arliss, you
know, I've been thinkin'...

I really want that 500th
ball going to Cooperstown.

- It will!
- No, I mean now.

I think we should
call off this tour

and send it
straight to the hall.

(cash register rings)

Call off the tour?

I never charge for autographs.

I never charge for anything.

Don't I know it.

But... but Dan, do you know
how remote Cooperstown is?

It's the middle of East
Bumfuck, New York.

A trip to the Hall,

it's a hardship
for... for the children,

for the elderly,
for the disabled.

Those are the people I'm
thinking of. Think of them!

Gee... I... you
know, I don't know.

Dan, look... whether you
think of yourself this way or not,

you are an American hero. The
people of America need heroes.

You can't be in
every city for them.

But that ball sure as hell can.

Well, you've got a point there.

And remember! Five
and a quarter cent

out of every net dollar

goes to your "Dan the
Man Tater-Tykes" charity.

(sighs) You're right.
Okay, go ahead with it.

But you gotta promise me that
that ball goes to the Hall, okay?

Promise me.

I promise.

I promise. Promise.
Scout's honor.

Arliss: Dan's
500th home run ball

would be a
one-of-a-kind artifact.

That's why baseball was
taking extraordinary precautions

to ensure the
ball's authenticity.

After Mr. Manville hits
his 499th home run,

all balls pitched
to him thereafter

will be numbered in a
way that can only be seen

through these polar
reversible goggles.

Take a look.

Oh.

(buzzing)

Can this ball be duplicated?

- Highly unlikely.
- (buzzing)

The counterfeiter would have to
know the number and the code,

which we change periodically.

This is great.

Unless the team is having

Desert Storm goggle
give-away night, huh? (chuckles)

We don't find forgery a
laughing matter, Mr. Michaels.

No.

And you shouldn't.

(whistling)

Got a minute?

Nope!

It's a 30-second minute.

Listen, my bookie's
got a lotta action

on when Manville's gonna
hit that 500th home run.

You know, what day, what inning,

what count, how far.

Anyway, I was
figuring, with all the stats

that you keep on Manville,

that we could work out
a, uh, winning formula.

"We"?

Well, I wouldn't wanna
cut my best buddy

out of an opportunity like this.

Shouldn't you be more concerned

with getting the home run ball,

rather than betting on it?

Probably. Look, you in or out?

It's an inexact
science, isn't it?

It's not just how Dan does
against a certain pitcher,

it's the human factor.
Injuries, road fatigue.

No, it's a poor wager.

Parlays start at eight to one.

I'm in.

I'm gonna need all his stats.

Don't you ever touch this again.

Arliss: As Dan closed
in on the historic clout,

it seemed that everyone
had a stake in the moment.

Lucasware just dropped out.

What do you mean
Lucasware dropped out?

Lucas Sterling
decided not to do it.

Wai... but he's putting up
the $100,000 savings bond.

You know, as the promoter,
I'm on the line for that money.

How can he pull out?

Oh, when you have
five billion dollars,

I believe the
technical term is whim.

I was supposed to have
dinner with him on Thursday.

We'll sue.

Save your money,
you're gonna need it.

Dan Manville's guest list.

You're not gonna believe it.

Great Aunt Bessie,

who has environmental allergies

and requires
natural light and air.

Sister Sue, who can't sleep
on any floor with an ice maker.

Uncle Andy, who wants
to bring his dog, Chloe.

- Uncle Bert...
- Okay, okay, okay,

Just tell me, how
many family members?

Nine.

Nine?

Okay, I can handle that.

Now, his extended family.

What?

Bottom line, it's gonna
cost you about 3,000 a day.

A day?

Yeah.

Okay, okay. We are talking
twin beds, four to a room.

- Okay.
- No mini bar, no room service, no phone calls.

And if they want their laundry
done, they can pull out the Woolite,

and wash it in the goddamn sink.

$3,000 a day.

Dan Manville better
hit this home run soon.

I'm bettin' Friday.

How's that?

Guessing Friday. G...

Arliss: I was only too glad to
accommodate Dan's family,

so they could witness
history first-hand.

"Sundries"? "Valet parking"?

"Health club privileges"?

But we learned
history can't be rushed.

Dan spent the next two
weeks in a horrible slump.

"Spa"? "Massage"? S...?

All who knew him
shared his pain.

Goddammit, Stanley,
I'm gettin' reamed here!

Well, what are you
blaming me for?

Well, I thought you could
predict when that fucker

would hit that fucker!

Well, look at the numbers!
It should've been hit by now!

My formula took into account every
single variable except... choking!

- Well, I'd like to choke you!
- (shouts)

All right, I got enough to
lay down one more bet.

Who's pitchin' today?

Roger Clemens!

Forget it!

Clemens, huh?

Yes. He owns Manville.

Dan is batting a buck
seventy against him.

All right. What are the odds?

14 to one! A sucker bet!

Hey, Roger Clemens,
lemme see that game face,

that rocket-red glare.

Kirby, what's goin' on?

Arliss let you off
that leash, huh?

(laughs) That's funny.

Um, I got a unique
opportunity for you, buddy.

Not another investment, you
know, like that steakhouse in India?

No, no, no, no,
no, this is bigger,

won't cost you a dime,

and you could be
the next... Al Downing.

- What?
- When Manville steps into the box tonight,

I want you to groove
one about cock high...

boom, he gets his 500th, and you
get your place in baseball history.

Are you shittin' me? You think
200 wins, three Cy Youngs,

and an MVP, that
won't do the trick?

Lemme tell you somethin', Manville's gonna
get his ticket punched three times tonight,

and if you don't get outta here,

you're gonna get a birthmark
yourself right about here!

Get outta here!

Good game.

Rita: Mrs. Manville,
great Aunt Bessie,

let's keep moving, moving.

Uh, before we step into
Arliss Michaels' "oval office",

um, how many people here have
ever seen a real espresso machine?

I have. I have.

Uh! Today is your lucky day,

because here is our
commander in chief.

Hi, welcome, welcome!

It's nice to have
all of you here.

Would you excuse me one
second, please? Thank you.

- Rita, can I have a minute?
- Uh-huh.

You brought them here?

I had to. They've already
been to Magic Mountain,

Knott's Berry Farm, Rockingham,

and now they're just
sitting in their hotel

ordering SpectraVision.

SpectraVision?

Pay per view, shit!

I forgot pay per view!

Oh, and, uh, your
tickets are on your desk.

I don't need tickets
to a baseball game.

They're not for
the baseball game,

they're for the opera
benefit you're going to

with Cortez Kennedy, remember?

Cortez Kennedy? Is that today?

Mm-hmm.

Oh... look, you're gonna
have to just call him and cancel.

Oh, no, I would not do that

to a six-time all-pro
defensive lineman.

(man singing opera)

Announcer: Dan
"the Man" Manville,

stuck on 499 home runs
for more than a week.

Hitting only .170 lifetime

against the rocket,
Roger Clemens.

Here they are, two
future Hall of Famers

going head-to-head,
power vs. power.

Arliss: There are
moments in time

when we all remember
exactly where we were.

When John Lennon
died, when Nixon resigned,

when the Iron Curtain fell.

Announcer: Dan
"the Man" Manville,

already one of the
all-time greats in the game.

Now one swing away,
one home run away

from becoming alone,

among all the great
players in history,

as the only member
of the 500/500 club.

The crowd,

which cheered Manville
as he strode to the plate,

now very quiet,
very tense as well,

hoping that this
will be the moment,

the historic moment.

The poor, poor clown.

This is so sad.

Announcer: Manville stands
in, slightly closed stance.

Clemens looks in for the sign.

Manville holding the bat
high behind his right ear.

Clemens is ready.

Now the big right-hander...

goes into his motion.

And here's the pitch
to Manville on the way.

(opera singing continues)

There's a drive!

Deep into left center field!

This could be it!

Way back there,

still going.

This is gonna do it!

Into the bullpen and gone!

Number 500!

Yeah!

Shhh!

Listen, Cortez,
excuse me, I gotta go.

It's... it's too
sad. It's too sad.

Announcer: History
made here today.

Dan Manville,

the first member
of the 500/500 club.

Here he comes.

He tips his cap,

and the ovation
grows still louder.

Your Ovaltine, Mr. Sterling.

What a moment!

Yo, Ted!

Way to go.

I'll meet you in the clubhouse.

You bet!

No, I didn't bet.

I didn't bet.

How do you feel now?

Great, umm...

You know, I... I just hope the
next 500 don't take this long.

Hot soup, hot soup, hot soup.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hey hey hey hey hey! (laughs)

Congratulations,
man, congratulations.

Where you been?

Uh, the bleachers.

I wanted to share this
moment with your real fans.

It just took me a
while to get down here.

Man, I am so happy for
you... (shouts, laughs)

I don't wanna keep you,
go do what you gotta do.

All right. Thanks, man.

Yeah, you too, man.
Take care, take care.

Yeah!

Yeah!

I can't believe it.

What are you doing here?

Dyin'.

What?

I didn't bet. I laid off.

Kirby, where's the ball?

Huh? Oh.

The bullpen coach caught it.

Arliss, I laid off
the fucking game.

The bullpen coach... Ned?

Really?

Yeah, he's... you know,
he's here somewhere.

Where?

I don't know.

Anybody seen Ted?

Anyone seen Ted?

Anybody seen Ted?

Arliss: The thing I love
about our national pastime

is that it's truly
a team effort.

One man's triumph
is shared by all those

who wear the same uniform.

Arliss: I am so happy for you.

I mean, catchin'
number 500, what a thrill!

I mean, you're a part
of baseball history.

You think they'll name
a candy bar after me?

(chuckles) That's a pretty keen
observation about our times.

You?

Southern League, 1976.

Jack Morris sinker
that didn't sink.

Ouch.

Hell, anybody can be a player,

but that's what got
me into coaching.

Your wife?

Ex-wife.

The Minor leagues can
be tough on a marriage.

But I got a helluva
daughter out of it.

She's a whiz at geography.

She can tell you

all the best ice cream
parlors in Shreveport,

Midland, Lynchburg,

Yakima, Ft. Myers, Stockton.

Edmonton, and finally, Anaheim.

That's touching.

Can I look at the ball?

Thanks.

(buzzing)

Ahh, look at it.

Seems weightier now.

Must be all that history.

Anyway, here's
what I'm thinking.

Big press conference tomorrow.

In front of the national
media, you hand Dan the ball,

and I hand you that goody bag,

and $100,000.

Sounds good, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

Only thing is...

(clears throat)

I want a million
dollars for the ball.

I beg your pardon?

I want a million dollars.

A million dollars?

You are out of your fuck...

You're out of touch
with the market.

So, I'll test...

the market.

Ted, you're Dan's friend.

We're not friends.

He's a player, I'm a coach.

We live in two different worlds.

Look, look, look, look, look...

(barking)

- J.J...
- No!

Ted: Let go! Let go!

J.J., J.J., J.J.!

(growling)

J.J.! Let go!

Ahhh!

Take J.J.

You see? You see?

That's why Dan wants
that ball in Cooperstown.

Where it'll be safe,
not some chew toy!

Well, I got wants too, Arliss!

I wanna know that
someday my girl's

gonna be able to go to college.

I wanna know that when
they fire the coaching staff

I am gonna be able to
make a mortgage payment.

Hey, do you like
Botany 500 suits?

I think you'd look great
in a Botany 500 suit.

My price is one million dollars.

This is insane!

I mean, is this
what it's come to?

When did this grand old game

become just about the money?

I don't know, Arliss,

but you were probably there.

Dan: A million bucks?

Did Ted catch the ball,
or did it hit him in head?

A million bucks.

I am constantly amazed at
how divisive money can be.

Well, you know, Arliss this
shouldn't be about money.

You know, this is history.

Don't worry, I went
to management,

and told them that they have
an extortionist on their payroll,

and that they should
take legal action

against their employee

for taking their property
off of their premises.

It's a bluff, but it'll scare
Ted into giving back the ball.

All right, look, Arliss,
you promised me

that that ball would
end up in the Hall

regardless of any of this...

It will, it will.

Dan: Well, well.

You're here early.

You wanna pick through my gear,

see if you can find
more stuff to sell?

I just came back to
clean out my locker.

What do you mean
clean out your locker?

It appears that someone
told management

that I was an extortionist.

I was bad for team chemistry.

How 'bout that?

You know, this thing is
getting way out of line here.

You know, I'm sure we
can work something out.

Yeah, $100,000 is... it's a
lot of dough for that ball, Ted.

Yes, it is.

Heh... it's about twice
what I make in a year.

And it's also one percent
of your annual salary.

What's my salary
got to do with this?

I bust my ass every day!

We all bust our ass every day!

Guys, guys, don't say
anything you'll regret later.

Why are you being
so fucking greedy?

You just don't get it, do you?

See, that ball...

that ball is my leverage.

That ball is my free agent year.

Maybe nobody'll pay me
a million bucks for it now,

but someday, sometime,

somebody will.

That ball belongs in the Hall!

So does Pete Rose!

You know what my guess is?

Pete might just get there first.

Arliss, if that ball ends
up in the All-Star Cafe,

it's gonna be your
goddamn fault.

(phone ringing)

Arliss Michaels.

Arliss... Lucas
Sterling just called

confirming your
dinner this evening.

Lucas Sterling? He
pulled out of our deal!

I thought dinner was off?

No, he called personally.

7:00, his place.

So Lucas, if you
treat my dinner here

like you treated
the Manville tour,

I guess I'm going home hungry.

Oh, c'mon, please,
it's Lionel's train.

A Lionel train, huh?

I had one of those
when I was a kid.

No, no, no, it's
not a Lionel train,

that's Lionel's train.

My work has allowed
me to procure some

very rare and notable items.

This is my coin collection.

One coin?

Oh, but it's the 1913
liberty head nickel.

- Oh.
- There are only five known to exist in the whole world.

It's worth one million dollars.

- A million dollar nickel?
- Mm-hm.

Talk about inflation.

(laughs) Good one.

And over here,

we've got the original
postage stamps

for the Pony Express.

The Pony Express?

Uh-huh.

I like originals.

First editions.

You saw that one, right?

And from my Disney collection...

Is that...

Shh.

And he's not turned
over about the Ovitz deal?

And finally...

What's this for?

That's the reason I
called you here tonight.

I do a lot of things publicly,

and I do certain
things privately.

My hobbies,

I prefer to keep a secret.

And I strike you

as a man of discretion?

No, you strike me as an agent.

Well, discretion is the
better part of negotiation.

So, do you have it?

Does a beaver have a flat dick?

(laughs)

Does a beaver have a flat dick?

Arliss: The road
to the Hall of Fame

is paved with many
twists and turns.

(laughs)

As the Greek poem
"Ithaca" teaches us,

the journey is more rewarding

than the final destination.

The Manville 500/500 tour

was a resounding success,

breaking box office records

while traveling
around the country,

until finally reaching
the hallowed hall

in beautiful upstate New York.

There, it was
deservedly enshrined

alongside the ghosts of
other legendary achievements.

(applause)

There are certain
things in my life

that I am truly proud of.

For as we get
older, we learn that

no matter how financially
successful one becomes...

there are some things in life

that money just can't buy.

History being one of them.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

(majestic music playing)

(upbeat music playing)

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