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♪ ♪
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Arliss (narrating):
For most of us,
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the dream of
becoming a champion,
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00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:18,893
remains a fantasy,
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But for a special few,
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it is very much a reality.
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We cheer them,
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we live through them.
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Athletes are our last warriors.
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My job is to make
their dreams come true.
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(water splashing)
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My name is Arliss Michaels,
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I represent athletes,
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these are my stories.
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♪ Don't know what it is
that makes me love you so ♪
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♪ I only know I never
wanna let you go ♪
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♪ 'Cause you started
something oh, can't you see ♪
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♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪
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♪ It happens to be true ♪
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♪ I only wanna be with you ♪
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♪ I just wanna be
beside you everywhere ♪
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♪ As long as we're
together, honey, I don't care ♪
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♪ 'Cause you started
something oh, can't you see ♪
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♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪
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♪ No matter what you do ♪
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♪ I only wanna be with you ♪
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Hi. I'm Ryan Mason III.
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When you're trapped, in danger,
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there's only one way out.
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With the Ballblaster
Flying Wedge.
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Announcer: The Ballblaster
Flying Wedge is the only wedge
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crafted from a 99%
titanium cobalt alloy.
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You'll hit harder,
faster, and straighter.
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Dry sand, wet sand,
even quicksand
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is no match for the
Ballblaster Flying Wedge.
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Without it you're trapped.
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Alright, very nice!
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(applause and chatter continues)
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And Ryan will be showing
off the new Flying Wedge
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when he teams with yours truly
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at the Crosby
Pro-Am! Right, Pods?
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Well, after seeing your swing
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I'd rather be teamed
with Joe Pesci.
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I like to win these things.
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How'd I end up with you, anyway?
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(laughing)
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Arliss, thanks for hooking
Ryan up with Ballblaster.
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Never say "hook"
around here, huh?
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(laughter)
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Guys, I think it's a great spot.
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Ryan, what do you think?
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Hey, Kirby,
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who signed your ball?
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This ball?
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This ball is from the
Cal/Stanford game, 1975.
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Six seconds left,
I take the snap.
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Fake a hand off to the upback,
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bootleg right, drop back,
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threaded a perfect pass
through three defenders
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to Billy Noland!
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Touchdown! That pigskin won
us the PAC-8 co championship.
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Really?
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Mind if I keep it?
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Kirby?
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Arliss (narrating): I'm only as
successful as those who work for me.
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My greatest assets
are my employees.
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Sure.
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The spot's great.
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(laughter)
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(indistinct chatter)
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Arliss (narrating):
Unselfish and loyal,
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Kirby Carlisle would give
me the shirt off his back.
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In fact, I defy you
to find someone
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who'd say a bad word
about Kirby Carlisle.
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Kirby Carlisle gave me herpes!
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That's an absolute
lie! She gave it to me!
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That's quite
enough, Mr. Carlisle.
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Your honor, my client
hasn't been charged
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with the transmission
of a disease.
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Damn right!
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The charges against my
client are false imprisonment,
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breach of promise, verbal abuse.
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Verbal abuse my ass,
she gave me the herp!
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And stress makes it come back!
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- Mr. Carlisle!
- (hammering)
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See how he talks,
see how he is?!
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I'll probably get another
outbreak by the end of today!
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Mr. Carlisle!
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I don't wanna have
to warn you again.
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Your honor, this is ridiculous.
She had, like, seven Stoli's,
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00:04:03,142 --> 00:04:05,452
not to mention, the Prozac
and fen-phen chasers!
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00:04:05,511 --> 00:04:06,851
He held me hostage!
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00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:09,083
(scoffs) She was
drunk on her ass!
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I took her keys so
she couldn't drive!
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He saved her life,
perhaps the lives of others.
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We're looking at
an American hero!
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- Fuckin' "A"!
- (groans)
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Mr. Carlisle!
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That's the last
time I'll warn you.
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And one more outburst,
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and I will hold the
offending party in contempt.
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(indistinct chatter)
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Arliss (narrating):
Passionate about life,
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Kirby chooses his
words very carefully.
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Okay, Eagles plus
three over Cowboys.
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I want Niner's over the Rams,
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Ravens, plus the points,
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Jacksonville over Seattle.
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00:04:39,579 --> 00:04:41,689
Wait a second, Kirb,
Jacksonville over my ass, alright?
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00:04:41,714 --> 00:04:44,054
You haven't even paid
your tab from last month.
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Just carry it over,
I always pay up.
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No can do, man,
we're cutting you off.
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Sign here.
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What?
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00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:51,516
And that's not the half.
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Lippy wants you
squared by December 1,
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or else you gonna end up like
Bob Mostow down at Kinko's.
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Shame about his accident, huh?
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What accident?
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Oh, it's the damnedest thing.
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He's walking along
and all of a sudden
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his legs run into
a baseball bat.
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Oh, no.
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Oh, yeah.
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You got any packages to go?
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No.
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Hey, tell him not to worry.
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00:05:17,517 --> 00:05:20,347
I mean, how much
could I owe anyway?
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Oh, c'mon.
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00:05:29,195 --> 00:05:32,095
I've got like four
savings accounts.
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They've all been drained.
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You don't have any money.
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I gotta have money!
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00:05:37,103 --> 00:05:40,213
Well, there's your IRA
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00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:43,113
but you don't wanna
go into your IRA.
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00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,436
You went into your IRA.
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00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:45,850
The viper!
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00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:46,952
You are a piece of work.
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00:05:48,714 --> 00:05:51,454
What is this "Lippy
Enterprises" hmm?
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That's my therapist.
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00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:53,619
You mean your bookie.
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Well, it's therapy for me!
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00:05:55,655 --> 00:05:57,755
You know, and my
therapist wants money.
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00:05:57,824 --> 00:05:59,794
Kirby, this is outrageous.
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$200, $400...
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00:06:01,627 --> 00:06:03,227
$1,200, Kirby?
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00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:04,956
You're hemorrhaging money.
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00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:06,671
Shit!
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00:06:06,732 --> 00:06:08,702
Bottom line is you have...
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$3,745 liquid.
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00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:16,579
I suggest you give that
money to your "therapist"
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00:06:16,642 --> 00:06:17,842
as an act of good faith
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00:06:17,910 --> 00:06:19,680
so that you can
continuing practicing
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00:06:19,745 --> 00:06:21,345
whatever faith you are.
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00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:24,024
God, you know, if only that
pyramid money would just kick in!
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00:06:24,083 --> 00:06:25,753
I told you pyramids
were a stupid idea!
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I know, I know!
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00:06:27,353 --> 00:06:28,823
I hope we get our money back.
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00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,956
(traffic noise)
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Oh, yeah! Deep deep!
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Yes, yes!
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00:06:50,776 --> 00:06:52,206
Ooooh!
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00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:55,253
That'll teach you
to go into that hole!
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00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:02,292
- (sighs)
- You know, you haven't returned one phone...
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00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:03,855
What the hell are you doing?
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00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:05,563
Practicing my irons.
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00:07:05,625 --> 00:07:07,255
Oh, my God, no
you're not. Stop it!
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00:07:07,326 --> 00:07:08,366
You're gonna kill someone.
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00:07:08,394 --> 00:07:09,904
I am not.
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00:07:09,962 --> 00:07:11,302
I'm gonna take this six iron
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00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:13,134
and fade it right
across Wilshire Blvd.
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00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:14,269
So it drops nicely
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00:07:14,333 --> 00:07:16,673
onto the LA Country
Club's driving range.
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00:07:16,736 --> 00:07:19,336
I'm gonna need the practice if I'm
gonna win the Crosby. Excuse me.
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00:07:22,975 --> 00:07:24,475
What are you nuts?
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00:07:24,543 --> 00:07:26,183
You're right.
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00:07:26,245 --> 00:07:27,375
It's a five.
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00:07:27,446 --> 00:07:29,476
Oh, this is ridiculous.
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00:07:29,548 --> 00:07:31,078
Look at this place!
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00:07:31,150 --> 00:07:32,950
You are obsessed.
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00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:35,719
Okay, even if you and
Ryan win, so what?
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00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,688
He's the pro, he'll
get the money.
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00:07:37,757 --> 00:07:39,457
You're an amateur.
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00:07:39,525 --> 00:07:41,655
What do you get, like,
an ugly piece of crystal?
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00:07:41,727 --> 00:07:42,897
Wrong.
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00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:46,432
I get to be in the arena.
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00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:48,897
The arena?
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00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,438
You see, Rita,
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00:07:50,503 --> 00:07:52,443
I'm at an age now
where I realize
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00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:55,065
I can't pitch to Barry
Bonds in Yankee Stadium.
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00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:58,081
I can't catch a TD pass from
Dan Marino in the Super Bowl
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00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,154
and I sure as hell can't
drain a three-pointer
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00:08:00,212 --> 00:08:02,082
to beat Michael in the Bulls.
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00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:05,318
But I can be on the 18th green
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00:08:05,384 --> 00:08:07,524
at the Crosby Pro-Am
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00:08:07,586 --> 00:08:09,986
and hear the TV announcer say,
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00:08:10,056 --> 00:08:12,856
"This is Arliss Michaels.
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00:08:12,925 --> 00:08:16,025
He has this putt to
win the championship."
199
00:08:17,596 --> 00:08:19,096
And at that moment
200
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,725
as I stand over the ball...
201
00:08:23,769 --> 00:08:25,739
and drown out the crowd.
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00:08:30,042 --> 00:08:31,912
I am...
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00:08:31,978 --> 00:08:34,408
in the arena.
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00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:35,950
(crowd applause)
205
00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:41,891
An arena you're in
due to your hard work
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00:08:41,954 --> 00:08:43,794
and determination
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00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:46,326
and because you
made it a deal point
208
00:08:46,392 --> 00:08:48,832
in Ryan's Ballblaster contract.
209
00:08:48,894 --> 00:08:50,064
How did you know about that?
210
00:08:50,129 --> 00:08:51,499
Never mind how I know.
211
00:08:51,564 --> 00:08:53,904
But does Ryan Mason III know?
212
00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:55,396
- No...
- What the hell is this?
213
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:58,068
That's our scorecard from
Ojai, I need you to sign that.
214
00:08:58,137 --> 00:08:59,907
I know what it is.
215
00:08:59,972 --> 00:09:03,382
Your score was 85,
this card reads "96".
216
00:09:03,442 --> 00:09:05,382
Yeah, that's 'cause
I'm a 16 handicap now.
217
00:09:05,444 --> 00:09:06,814
I gotta get it up to 19.
218
00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:09,679
I'm gonna need those three
extra strokes to win the Crosby.
219
00:09:09,749 --> 00:09:10,879
"Win the Crosby"?
220
00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:13,350
I gotta win, I gotta win!
221
00:09:13,419 --> 00:09:14,949
I mean, as defending champion,
222
00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:17,181
that's the one sure way to
know you'll be invited back.
223
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:18,423
(laughing)
224
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:19,831
I forbid you to wear this.
225
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:23,032
Arliss, this is sandbagging.
226
00:09:23,095 --> 00:09:26,125
Beware of the golf gods,
they like to get even.
227
00:09:26,198 --> 00:09:29,498
Yeah, well, you tell the
golf gods to go suck my dick.
228
00:09:29,568 --> 00:09:31,538
Where the hell
were the golf gods
229
00:09:31,604 --> 00:09:33,144
when I shot a 98 at Pebble, huh?
230
00:09:33,205 --> 00:09:36,475
Tell the golf golds that they're
in to me for $475 worth of skins.
231
00:09:36,542 --> 00:09:37,712
Stop it!
232
00:09:37,777 --> 00:09:38,777
This is blasphemy!
233
00:09:38,811 --> 00:09:40,081
This is tasteless.
234
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:41,206
This is enough.
235
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,050
I need you to both
to, as the French say,
236
00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:44,975
scramé vous. Okay?
237
00:09:45,051 --> 00:09:47,051
No more negativity.
238
00:09:47,119 --> 00:09:50,159
I need to be in the zone.
239
00:09:54,693 --> 00:09:56,163
Hey, Kirbs, can I
borrow a quarter?
240
00:09:56,228 --> 00:09:57,298
I gotta go plug my meter.
241
00:09:57,363 --> 00:10:00,373
I don't have any fucking money!
242
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,433
Okay.
243
00:10:02,701 --> 00:10:04,501
Hey, Rita, is Arliss busy?
244
00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:07,310
Well, that depends on
how you define "busy."
245
00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:08,773
Okay.
246
00:10:12,611 --> 00:10:14,481
- Boss.
- Hey, hey, hey!
247
00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:15,977
Hey, how's the
king of the court?
248
00:10:16,048 --> 00:10:17,648
(laughter)
249
00:10:17,716 --> 00:10:20,386
Listen, boss, I need you
to advance me my bonus.
250
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,533
You're not still worried
about that lawsuit, are you?
251
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:25,315
That's part of it, right, yeah.
252
00:10:25,391 --> 00:10:27,491
Relax, you're gonna
beat those charges.
253
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:28,690
You didn't do anything.
254
00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:31,031
I know, but Bernie
wants me to settle!
255
00:10:31,097 --> 00:10:32,497
Relax, she's got nothing.
256
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:35,595
Besides the judge
is on your side.
257
00:10:35,668 --> 00:10:36,768
How do you know that?
258
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:37,870
Because he's a guy.
259
00:10:37,937 --> 00:10:39,977
A guy who happens to be a
member of my country club.
260
00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:41,969
A guy who happened to
be in my foursome Saturday.
261
00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:44,081
And a guy whose wife just
happened to divorce him
262
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,913
and take him to the cleaners.
263
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:48,678
So you ask me, how do I
know the judge is on your side?
264
00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:51,246
He's a guy?
265
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,717
He's a guy! He's a guy!
266
00:10:53,786 --> 00:10:55,316
- He's a guy, yeah.
- He's a guy.
267
00:10:56,689 --> 00:10:58,589
Take a swing, take a swing.
268
00:10:58,657 --> 00:10:59,987
How do I know?
269
00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:02,029
- He's just a guy.
- He's a guy!
270
00:11:02,094 --> 00:11:03,914
He's gonna see through
her like crap through a goose.
271
00:11:03,929 --> 00:11:04,929
You know why?
272
00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:06,757
Together: He's a guy!
273
00:11:06,765 --> 00:11:09,135
A guy!
274
00:11:09,201 --> 00:11:12,371
He's a guy! He's just a guy!
275
00:11:12,438 --> 00:11:14,318
- You mean, all I gotta...
- By the way, Lance was here.
276
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:15,580
He delivered this
package for you.
277
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:16,708
(screams)
278
00:11:16,775 --> 00:11:18,635
(glass breaking)
279
00:11:23,682 --> 00:11:25,622
That's not awful,
what's your handicap?
280
00:11:25,684 --> 00:11:27,954
16, but I'm working on it.
281
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:29,320
We can do some damage.
282
00:11:29,388 --> 00:11:31,298
Unless you leave your "A"
game on the driving range
283
00:11:31,323 --> 00:11:33,763
like most of you fucking
amateurs do at the Pro-Ams.
284
00:11:35,895 --> 00:11:37,795
Tee one up, we'll do
some spot welding.
285
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,573
See if we can repair your swing.
286
00:11:41,333 --> 00:11:42,643
- (groans)
- (back cracking)
287
00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:44,171
What's wrong?
288
00:11:44,236 --> 00:11:47,566
My back.
289
00:11:44,236 --> 00:11:46,506
What?
290
00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:51,614
Don't touch. Don't,
don't, don't, don't!
291
00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:55,012
Well, look at the bright side,
292
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:56,320
finally you have a reason
293
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,322
to use those handicap
parking plates.
294
00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,124
Maybe you should get an MRI.
295
00:12:00,186 --> 00:12:03,086
I don't have time for an MRI.
I don't have time for anything.
296
00:12:03,155 --> 00:12:05,255
Why'd this have to happen
to me now? Why now?
297
00:12:05,324 --> 00:12:06,794
I think you know exactly why.
298
00:12:06,859 --> 00:12:09,659
Oh, don't give me any
of this "golf god" bullshit.
299
00:12:09,728 --> 00:12:10,858
Fine, learn the hard way.
300
00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:12,970
Rita, I need drugs.
301
00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:16,242
No. No drugs, I'll get
my cousin to fix you.
302
00:12:16,302 --> 00:12:17,342
Fix him? What is he, a vet?
303
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:18,903
Rita: No, he's an acupuncturist.
304
00:12:18,971 --> 00:12:20,641
He's the best in the business.
305
00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:22,916
He worked on Lee Travino's
back when he got hit by lightning.
306
00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:25,412
Good, good, good. I need to
get better by the tournament.
307
00:12:25,477 --> 00:12:27,517
Arliss, you're not gonna
play in any golf tournament.
308
00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:29,176
The hell I'm not!
309
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:31,478
All my life I've dreamed
of playing in the Crosby.
310
00:12:31,550 --> 00:12:33,020
And now that I am finally in
311
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:34,615
I am not going to miss it.
312
00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:37,657
Okay, help me up, help me up.
313
00:12:37,723 --> 00:12:38,723
- Aah!
- (bones crack)
314
00:12:39,858 --> 00:12:41,428
I don't know. Maybe
we should've settled.
315
00:12:41,493 --> 00:12:43,103
Relax, he's a guy.
316
00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:45,642
Listen, no matter which way he
rules just keep your mouth shut, okay?
317
00:12:45,664 --> 00:12:48,904
Hey, he's a guy. He's gonna see
through her like shit through a goose.
318
00:12:48,968 --> 00:12:50,178
Kirby's lawyer: I
hope you're right.
319
00:12:50,202 --> 00:12:52,052
In fact, I bet he gives it
to her with both barrels.
320
00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:53,441
- You know why?
- He's a guy?
321
00:12:53,505 --> 00:12:54,735
He's a guy!
322
00:12:54,807 --> 00:12:56,407
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
323
00:13:03,816 --> 00:13:06,116
After reviewing the charges
324
00:13:06,185 --> 00:13:09,285
and weighing all
of the evidence.
325
00:13:09,355 --> 00:13:12,155
I'm of the opinion
that this country...
326
00:13:12,224 --> 00:13:13,534
You said it, your honor!
327
00:13:13,592 --> 00:13:16,202
This cunt has no right to
accuse me of false imprisonment!
328
00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:17,642
- Judge: Mr. Carlisle!
- What did I tell you?!
329
00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:19,673
I did everything for this bitch!
330
00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:21,672
- Mr. Carlisle!
- God bless you, your honor!
331
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:22,844
You're my kinda guy!
332
00:13:22,901 --> 00:13:25,471
Mr. Carlisle,
333
00:13:25,537 --> 00:13:27,067
you didn't let me finish.
334
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:28,139
Go ahead.
335
00:13:28,173 --> 00:13:29,643
I was trying to say,
336
00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:32,308
this country's judicial system
337
00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:36,448
is intolerant of
misogynistic behavior.
338
00:13:36,515 --> 00:13:37,675
Are you saying
339
00:13:37,750 --> 00:13:39,850
that my mother's
Thanksgiving dinner is bad?
340
00:13:39,918 --> 00:13:42,088
No, I'm saying I don't like yams
341
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:44,094
and sweet potatoes
and cranberries.
342
00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:45,666
I'm big on the concept
of Thanksgiving,
343
00:13:45,691 --> 00:13:46,961
I'm not big on the food.
344
00:13:47,026 --> 00:13:50,396
Ryan, don't worry,
I'm fine, I'm fine.
345
00:13:50,462 --> 00:13:53,032
You better be. I'm not gonna
hit the ball then drag Arliss,
346
00:13:53,098 --> 00:13:54,568
hit the ball, then drag Arliss.
347
00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:56,173
I'm getting a little
acupuncture now.
348
00:13:56,235 --> 00:13:57,905
- Everything's gonna be great! Ow!
- No, no, no!
349
00:13:57,936 --> 00:14:00,746
I think your dad getting drunk and running
around with the electric knife, yelling,
350
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:03,513
"Look at me! I'm Leather
Face!" wasn't all that amusing.
351
00:14:03,575 --> 00:14:06,045
Well, that's because your
side of the face is humorless.
352
00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:07,711
I swear to you, I'm fine!
353
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:09,050
It's just a little sprain.
354
00:14:09,114 --> 00:14:11,684
My side of the family
isn't a bunch of inebriates
355
00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:13,650
like you and your sisters!
356
00:14:13,719 --> 00:14:15,819
Once a year we
drink to hide the pain.
357
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,988
The pain in our ass
which is your family.
358
00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:20,067
- Look, Ryan, don't worry, don't worry.
- (phone rings)
359
00:14:20,092 --> 00:14:22,002
I'll be back on my feet by
the end of the day, okay?
360
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:23,197
I'll talk to you later, bye.
361
00:14:23,262 --> 00:14:24,902
Arliss, it's the
Ballblaster people,
362
00:14:24,963 --> 00:14:26,103
they say it's an emergency.
363
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:30,100
Arliss, we got a problem here.
364
00:14:30,169 --> 00:14:32,909
The greater Columbus Open,
365
00:14:32,971 --> 00:14:34,541
last weekend.
366
00:14:38,310 --> 00:14:39,450
Enjoy.
367
00:14:40,879 --> 00:14:42,819
Announcer: That's Ryan Mason.
368
00:14:42,881 --> 00:14:44,721
Freeze it.
369
00:14:47,486 --> 00:14:48,986
Notice the club?
370
00:14:50,356 --> 00:14:51,616
It's not ours.
371
00:14:52,991 --> 00:14:55,231
Are you sure?
372
00:14:55,294 --> 00:14:58,204
Announcer: And Ryan Mason III
has gone to his heirloom sandwich
373
00:14:58,263 --> 00:15:00,133
here on 13.
374
00:15:00,199 --> 00:15:05,369
It has a hickory shaft and was first
used by his father of the Crosby in 1967.
375
00:15:05,437 --> 00:15:07,707
Look, I'm sure there's
an explanation for this.
376
00:15:07,773 --> 00:15:10,313
You know, I'll bet he probably
left it at the previous hole.
377
00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:12,616
I do that all the time. You know,
I was playin' La Quinta last week,
378
00:15:12,644 --> 00:15:13,854
I think I finished the round
379
00:15:13,912 --> 00:15:15,682
with a driver and a
sandwich, that was it.
380
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,918
I doubt he left it on
the course, Arliss.
381
00:15:17,983 --> 00:15:20,693
Pros have these people called
caddies who pick up after them.
382
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,963
- This is serious, goddammit!
- (Arliss moans)
383
00:15:23,021 --> 00:15:25,621
What we've got here
is product defamation!
384
00:15:25,691 --> 00:15:28,931
We don't just pay Ryan
$2 million to wear our logo,
385
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:31,004
we need him to use our club!
386
00:15:31,063 --> 00:15:34,273
Look, I'm playing with Ryan at
the Crosby Pro-Am this weekend.
387
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:36,403
I'll make sure he uses the club.
388
00:15:36,468 --> 00:15:39,338
Well, we were thinking of
asking him to skip the Crosby
389
00:15:39,405 --> 00:15:40,635
until this thing is settled.
390
00:15:40,706 --> 00:15:42,976
Skip the Crosby?
391
00:15:43,041 --> 00:15:44,201
Until this matter's resolved.
392
00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:47,713
We will not be made fools
of on national television!
393
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:48,860
Look, this won't happen again.
394
00:15:48,881 --> 00:15:51,221
I'll make sure that Ryan
Mason uses the Flying Wedge.
395
00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:53,063
In fact, he'll be flying
with the Flying Wedge.
396
00:15:53,085 --> 00:15:54,085
That's a new campaign,
397
00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:55,953
"Swing and fly with
the Flying Wedge!"
398
00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:57,191
"Come fly with me..."
399
00:15:57,256 --> 00:15:59,216
Alright! But if he doesn't,
400
00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:01,231
not only will we
void his contract,
401
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:04,033
but we'll sue his
Sansabelt ass for damages.
402
00:16:04,096 --> 00:16:06,296
And it'll be the first
and the last time
403
00:16:06,365 --> 00:16:09,565
Arliss Michaels ever
plays the Crosby!
404
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:10,995
Hit 'em straight.
405
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:17,508
How's the back?
406
00:16:17,576 --> 00:16:19,776
The back is back.
407
00:16:19,845 --> 00:16:21,175
Look, Ryan.
408
00:16:21,246 --> 00:16:23,116
Ballblaster is threatening
to tear up your contract
409
00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:24,948
unless you use their club.
410
00:16:25,017 --> 00:16:27,417
Hey, if Albert Bell decided
to use an Adirondack
411
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:28,696
instead of a Louisville Slugger
412
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,390
would you fly to Chicago
and threaten him?
413
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:33,026
- It's not...
- What I do out here is my business.
414
00:16:33,091 --> 00:16:34,931
This is my office.
415
00:16:34,993 --> 00:16:37,463
You just worry about your game.
416
00:16:37,529 --> 00:16:38,859
Look, before you go,
417
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:40,801
sign my scorecard.
418
00:16:40,866 --> 00:16:43,866
(chuckling) You didn't play.
419
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:45,266
Details, details.
420
00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:46,767
I'll sign it for you.
421
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:47,859
(screams)
422
00:16:47,858 --> 00:16:48,868
(back cracking)
423
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,554
Yes, we received
the Vicodin, Doctor,
424
00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:55,782
but we seem to be
running out of the Percodan,
425
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:59,218
the Indecin, Xanax, and
the Medrol dose pack.
426
00:16:59,284 --> 00:17:00,284
Uh-oh.
427
00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:01,789
Again?
428
00:17:17,769 --> 00:17:19,539
(groans)
429
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:20,935
Stanley (distorted): Arliss?
430
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:24,642
Aah!
431
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,210
Golf god!
432
00:17:26,278 --> 00:17:28,248
You didn't listen to me.
433
00:17:28,313 --> 00:17:30,253
I warned you this would happen.
434
00:17:30,315 --> 00:17:32,845
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
435
00:17:32,918 --> 00:17:34,888
I didn't mean to cheat.
436
00:17:34,953 --> 00:17:36,593
I'm really a 17.
437
00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:38,585
Just please forgive me.
438
00:17:38,657 --> 00:17:41,687
Please let me walk, let me walk!
439
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:42,900
What the hell's going on?
440
00:17:42,961 --> 00:17:44,301
Stanley: He's drugged!
441
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:46,133
He hurt his back.
442
00:17:46,198 --> 00:17:47,668
(record scratch)
443
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,133
Kirby, Kirby?
444
00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:50,501
Is that my guy?
445
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:53,109
Yes, yes. I'm right
here for you, boss.
446
00:17:53,171 --> 00:17:55,441
How'd it go, did you win?
447
00:17:55,507 --> 00:17:57,437
Yes and no.
448
00:17:57,509 --> 00:17:59,479
The judge threw
out all the charges.
449
00:17:59,545 --> 00:18:00,645
Good.
450
00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:01,852
Except verbal abuse.
451
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,424
Can you believe
that fucking guy?!
452
00:18:03,482 --> 00:18:05,622
Now it's gonna cost
me another $25,000
453
00:18:05,684 --> 00:18:08,094
on top of the $40,000 I
already gotta pay my therapist!
454
00:18:08,153 --> 00:18:10,763
Kirby, Kirby, it's only money.
455
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:14,988
There are more
important things in life.
456
00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:16,400
He's high.
457
00:18:17,729 --> 00:18:19,869
Oh, man, I'm glad
you said that, boss.
458
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:23,602
'Cause, listen, I really,
really need that bonus.
459
00:18:23,669 --> 00:18:24,669
(Rita cackles)
460
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,311
Okay, Kirby,
461
00:18:27,372 --> 00:18:29,112
I'll advance you the bonus.
462
00:18:30,208 --> 00:18:32,078
He's very high.
463
00:18:32,144 --> 00:18:33,484
Kirby,
464
00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:36,545
you've got to represent
AMM in the Crosby.
465
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:37,915
Me?
466
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:39,217
I can't go.
467
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:41,554
Make sure that Ryan Mason
468
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:43,490
uses the Flying
Wedge in the Crosby
469
00:18:43,555 --> 00:18:46,825
and not his daddy's club
and I'll give you your bonus.
470
00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:49,232
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
471
00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:52,204
If Ryan blows the deal,
you ain't getting shit.
472
00:18:52,264 --> 00:18:53,904
Oh, no, don't
worry, I'll make sure
473
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:55,266
Ryan doesn't pull that ol'
474
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:58,174
hickory stick out of his
bag once during the Crosby.
475
00:18:58,236 --> 00:18:59,936
There's one other thing.
476
00:19:00,005 --> 00:19:01,105
What?
477
00:19:01,173 --> 00:19:04,813
You gotta win! You
gotta win! You gotta win!
478
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:07,150
I gotta win.
479
00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:09,212
I gotta know I'm gonna
be in the Crosby next year.
480
00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:10,681
I gotta know I'm
gonna play there.
481
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:12,989
I gotta know I'm
gonna be in the arena.
482
00:19:13,051 --> 00:19:15,121
Don't worry, you can
count on me, boss.
483
00:19:15,187 --> 00:19:17,687
(yelping) Rita! Rita!
484
00:19:17,756 --> 00:19:19,106
I'm right here.
485
00:19:19,109 --> 00:19:20,459
Get me my Demerol IV.
486
00:19:20,525 --> 00:19:21,575
Okay, shh. Okay.
487
00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:22,628
Get me my Demerol IV.
488
00:19:22,694 --> 00:19:26,264
Okay, now, since money
isn't important to you now,
489
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:27,331
how about a raise?
490
00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:29,199
I'm not that high!
491
00:19:29,267 --> 00:19:31,137
I'm not that high!
492
00:19:31,203 --> 00:19:32,673
I'm not that high.
493
00:19:32,738 --> 00:19:34,088
(groans)
494
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:35,440
Can he get an epidural?
495
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:38,077
This is an MRI, not a C-Section.
496
00:19:38,143 --> 00:19:41,283
Arliss (narrating): Sometimes
I can't be two places at once.
497
00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:42,376
Ow!!
498
00:19:42,447 --> 00:19:44,247
I'm sorry, no metal.
499
00:19:44,316 --> 00:19:46,516
Arliss (narrating): That's
why if I need a pinch hitter
500
00:19:46,585 --> 00:19:49,085
I can send my ace in
the hole, Kirby Carlisle,
501
00:19:49,154 --> 00:19:50,494
to handle any situation.
502
00:19:50,555 --> 00:19:52,955
The beauty, the
splendor, the tradition,
503
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:55,125
for the 31st year, the Crosby.
504
00:19:55,193 --> 00:19:56,663
Welcome everyone, Jim Nantz,
505
00:19:56,728 --> 00:19:59,598
along with my celebrated
colleague and author,
506
00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:01,865
the iconoclastic Gary McCord.
507
00:20:01,933 --> 00:20:05,143
Gary, there's nothing quite
like being here at the Crosby.
508
00:20:05,203 --> 00:20:07,343
The feel of this
golf tournament,
509
00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:09,876
and Jim, everything,
the history behind it,
510
00:20:09,941 --> 00:20:11,211
it gets me all excited.
511
00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:13,176
You know, every
amateur across the country
512
00:20:13,245 --> 00:20:15,175
dreams of getting the invitation
513
00:20:15,247 --> 00:20:16,417
to play in this tournament.
514
00:20:16,481 --> 00:20:19,791
Now, let's bring in the host,
the man who founded this event,
515
00:20:19,851 --> 00:20:21,551
- Norm Crosby.
- Hi, Jim.
516
00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:23,360
How do you feel about
your tournament this year?
517
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:25,158
I'm so excited,
I can't tell you.
518
00:20:25,223 --> 00:20:26,873
You know, we raised a
lot of money for charity
519
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:30,802
and last year, we were able to
build a halfway house in Los Angeles
520
00:20:30,862 --> 00:20:32,532
for girls that don't
wanna go all the way.
521
00:20:32,597 --> 00:20:35,927
And I'm just so
thrilled and so proud
522
00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:38,541
of all the wonderful
athletes and celebrities
523
00:20:38,603 --> 00:20:40,913
who are not ashamed
to come here and play,
524
00:20:40,972 --> 00:20:42,912
and show the world
that they're not working.
525
00:20:42,974 --> 00:20:44,914
You should be proud.
526
00:20:44,976 --> 00:20:46,786
Let's check the leader
board in the final hole.
527
00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:47,952
There's a tie for the lead
528
00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:50,123
between the team
of Ryan Mason III
529
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:52,482
and his playing
partner, Kirby Carlisle,
530
00:20:52,551 --> 00:20:54,591
and the team of NBA
start, Dwayne Schintzius
531
00:20:54,653 --> 00:20:56,393
and his pro partner, VJ Slurman.
532
00:20:56,455 --> 00:20:59,085
This is the accomplished
pro Ryan Mason
533
00:20:59,157 --> 00:21:01,257
at the 18th with his approach.
534
00:21:02,561 --> 00:21:03,561
No.
535
00:21:04,730 --> 00:21:07,130
Jim: That ball's in
the front bumper.
536
00:21:07,199 --> 00:21:09,839
Gary: That's okay for the
Mason/Carlisle team, Jim.
537
00:21:09,901 --> 00:21:12,201
Kirby is two feet from
the hole. He's got a kick-in.
538
00:21:12,270 --> 00:21:13,310
As an amateur,
539
00:21:13,371 --> 00:21:15,141
I think even he
can make that putt.
540
00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:16,637
Yeah, yeah.
541
00:21:16,708 --> 00:21:18,908
Jim: Remember in
this Pro-Am format,
542
00:21:18,977 --> 00:21:21,177
only the best score for the team
543
00:21:21,246 --> 00:21:22,846
counts for each hole.
544
00:21:25,150 --> 00:21:27,820
Carlisle is marking his ball.
545
00:21:41,366 --> 00:21:43,536
You use that club, you
lose the endorsement.
546
00:21:43,602 --> 00:21:45,002
It's that simple!
547
00:21:45,070 --> 00:21:47,440
Only our best
score counts, right?
548
00:21:47,506 --> 00:21:49,006
I can make that putt.
549
00:21:49,074 --> 00:21:50,344
It's a two-footer.
550
00:21:51,510 --> 00:21:52,880
Use the club.
551
00:21:54,045 --> 00:21:56,845
This isn't just about
money, it's about winning.
552
00:21:56,915 --> 00:21:58,545
Ballblaster will get over this.
553
00:21:58,617 --> 00:22:00,017
If not, there's 100
other companies
554
00:22:00,085 --> 00:22:02,545
that wanna be in the
Ryan Mason III business.
555
00:22:02,621 --> 00:22:04,891
So, just stand back.
556
00:22:04,956 --> 00:22:07,126
Look, you don't know
what this means to me.
557
00:22:07,192 --> 00:22:09,802
My bonus depends
on you using that club.
558
00:22:09,861 --> 00:22:11,561
Do this for me.
559
00:22:11,630 --> 00:22:13,670
I got needs!
560
00:22:13,732 --> 00:22:15,402
And so does my therapist!
561
00:22:15,467 --> 00:22:18,597
Jim: Carlisle and Mason seem
to be discussing club selection.
562
00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:19,780
What's that all about, Gary?
563
00:22:19,805 --> 00:22:21,305
Gary: I really don't know,
564
00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:22,983
but we'll see here in a
second what kinda club.
565
00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:26,108
Maybe he's trying to use a pitching
wedge out of that burial, I don't know.
566
00:22:26,178 --> 00:22:27,678
Jim: Looks as though Ryan is...
567
00:22:27,746 --> 00:22:30,976
Wait, yeah, he's going to use
the Ballblaster Flying Wedge.
568
00:22:32,717 --> 00:22:34,347
Don't worry, you can watch TV
569
00:22:34,419 --> 00:22:36,519
and remember, don't move!
570
00:22:36,588 --> 00:22:37,928
Gary: You know,
Kirby had to fill in
571
00:22:37,956 --> 00:22:39,826
for Arliss Michaels
at the last minute.
572
00:22:39,891 --> 00:22:42,891
You know, Arliss hurt his back
running in the LA Marathon.
573
00:22:42,961 --> 00:22:44,511
Jim: Well, we all send
along our best wishes
574
00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:46,499
for a speedy recovery to Arliss.
575
00:22:51,403 --> 00:22:53,043
(crowd groans)
576
00:22:53,104 --> 00:22:54,244
(groans)
577
00:22:59,845 --> 00:23:01,005
Come on.
578
00:23:07,352 --> 00:23:08,652
(crowd groans)
579
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,690
Gary: You don't see a
pro do that often, do you?
580
00:23:10,755 --> 00:23:12,715
Jim: I don't think he's
comfortable with that club.
581
00:23:12,791 --> 00:23:14,791
(crowd murmuring)
582
00:23:24,269 --> 00:23:25,339
(crowd groans)
583
00:23:25,403 --> 00:23:27,043
Jim: He's left it in
the bunker again.
584
00:23:27,105 --> 00:23:29,235
- He did it again!
- Gary: I don't believe that.
585
00:23:29,307 --> 00:23:30,937
Don't do anything stupid.
586
00:23:31,009 --> 00:23:32,539
This is the worst fucking club
587
00:23:32,611 --> 00:23:33,781
I've ever played in my life!
588
00:23:33,845 --> 00:23:35,875
You know why they call
it "the Flying Wedge"?
589
00:23:35,947 --> 00:23:37,617
- (metal snaps)
- That's why!
590
00:23:37,682 --> 00:23:39,022
Gary: Isn't that awful?
591
00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:41,754
It's too bad the children
watching at home had to see that.
592
00:23:41,820 --> 00:23:43,390
Get me legal.
593
00:23:43,455 --> 00:23:45,795
- Aw, fuck.
- Jim: Mason has picked up, he's out of the hole,
594
00:23:45,824 --> 00:23:49,734
But remember, only the
best score of the team counts.
595
00:23:49,794 --> 00:23:52,264
Arliss (narrating): Kirby's
job, to dodge the bullet,
596
00:23:52,330 --> 00:23:56,100
to put out fires, to be
the trouble-shooter.
597
00:23:56,167 --> 00:23:58,177
Gary: Jim, it all comes
down to this semi- "give me."
598
00:23:58,203 --> 00:24:00,573
If Carlisle makes
it, that's it, they win.
599
00:24:00,639 --> 00:24:02,939
C'mon, for me, so
I'm there next year.
600
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:11,580
Jim: It all comes
down to Kirby Carlisle.
601
00:24:13,685 --> 00:24:15,845
Right edge, don't
give the hole away.
602
00:24:23,695 --> 00:24:25,925
I need you to make this putt.
603
00:24:25,997 --> 00:24:27,027
Make it for me.
604
00:24:30,869 --> 00:24:31,969
(crowd groans)
605
00:24:32,037 --> 00:24:33,867
Gary: He missed it!
606
00:24:33,939 --> 00:24:35,039
Oh, Christ.
607
00:24:35,106 --> 00:24:36,776
Jim: So close.
608
00:24:36,841 --> 00:24:39,111
He's gotta tap in,
though, we'll have a tie.
609
00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:41,852
Gary: It looks like a playoff.
610
00:24:44,683 --> 00:24:45,823
Aah!
611
00:24:45,884 --> 00:24:47,894
Gary: He missed
it, I don't believe it.
612
00:24:47,953 --> 00:24:49,923
Please don't move, Mr. Michaels!
613
00:24:49,988 --> 00:24:50,988
Choke.
614
00:24:51,022 --> 00:24:54,992
Gary: That putt just cost
Ryan Mason $125,000.
615
00:24:55,060 --> 00:24:57,960
Dwayne Schintzius and VJ
Slurman are your new champions.
616
00:24:58,029 --> 00:24:59,329
(crying)
617
00:24:59,397 --> 00:25:01,467
Norm: Look, there's
another $50,000.
618
00:25:01,533 --> 00:25:02,773
Ryan: What are you doing?
619
00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:04,384
You're costin' me
money! What in the hell...
620
00:25:04,402 --> 00:25:05,502
are you doing?!
621
00:25:05,570 --> 00:25:07,370
I'm costing you the
money you cost me,
622
00:25:07,439 --> 00:25:09,769
you selfish scumbag!
623
00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:11,081
(Arliss screams)
624
00:25:11,142 --> 00:25:12,742
And I want my football back!
625
00:25:12,811 --> 00:25:13,911
Fuck!
626
00:25:13,979 --> 00:25:15,779
This is terrible. Is he
doing this on purpose?
627
00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:17,687
Norm: I don't know, but
he's playing a lot of ping-pong
628
00:25:17,716 --> 00:25:18,886
with it out there
right now, Jim.
629
00:25:18,917 --> 00:25:20,887
But it looks like he's
trying to do it on purpose.
630
00:25:20,952 --> 00:25:23,022
That's derogatory
to the tourniquet.
631
00:25:23,088 --> 00:25:25,118
Get me outta here!
Get me outta here!
632
00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:27,400
Mr. Michaels, do you want
me to come in there after you?!
633
00:25:27,425 --> 00:25:28,985
You invited this guy.
What's going on?
634
00:25:29,060 --> 00:25:31,100
It'll be a cold day in hell
before he'll play again
635
00:25:31,162 --> 00:25:32,332
and Arliss Michaels, too.
636
00:25:32,397 --> 00:25:33,767
I'll kill ya!
637
00:25:33,832 --> 00:25:35,412
Arliss (narrating): It's reassuring
that I can go on vacation
638
00:25:35,433 --> 00:25:36,503
or call in sick
639
00:25:36,568 --> 00:25:38,698
knowing my business
is in the capable hands
640
00:25:38,770 --> 00:25:40,810
- Dammit!
- Of people like Kirby Carlisle.
641
00:25:40,872 --> 00:25:42,172
Oh!
642
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:44,640
Man, I've played for the
Nets and the Clippers,
643
00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:46,279
and I've never seen
anything this bad.
644
00:25:46,344 --> 00:25:47,654
Oh!
645
00:25:47,712 --> 00:25:49,682
Here's your fucking bonus!
646
00:25:49,748 --> 00:25:51,578
Mr. Michaels, stop moving!
647
00:25:51,649 --> 00:25:54,449
- (screaming)
- Please don't move! Please don't move!
648
00:25:54,519 --> 00:25:56,549
My name is Arliss Michaels.
649
00:25:56,621 --> 00:25:58,621
I represent athletes.
650
00:25:58,690 --> 00:26:00,630
These are my stories.
651
00:26:00,692 --> 00:26:02,002
Nurse: Mr. Michaels,
do you want me
652
00:26:02,027 --> 00:26:03,227
to come in there after you?!
653
00:26:03,294 --> 00:26:05,504
♪ ♪
654
00:26:10,135 --> 00:26:11,995
♪ ♪
655
00:26:14,039 --> 00:26:19,339
(singular clapping)
656
00:26:21,713 --> 00:26:24,823
♪ ♪
657
00:26:24,873 --> 00:26:29,423
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