Original subtitles

**

[ Grunting ]

Monty, just use your lighter, dude.

This isn't "Quest for Fire with Rae Dawn Chong."

You dragged us on this ridiculous camping trip,

I figured I'd at least learn a new skill.

[ Scoffs ]

**

[ Whoosh! ]

[ Spiritual music plays ]

I don't need this. I'm going home.

Monty, relax.

You know, this is exactly why I brought us out here --

in the process of fighting evil together,

you know, a certain tension builds up.

But -- But in this peaceful environment,

maybe we can form a new, healthier dynamic.

Just scroll down, and...

who's your daddy?

Superknife, eh? Eh?

Hey, numbnuts, care to join in on the conversation?

Listen, I'm here, okay?

But I have, like,

heaps of personal correspondence to catch up on, buddy.

"Personal correspondence."

Obviously from one of those strumpets he runs around with.

Aw, you're just mad 'cause the only one

who writes to you is your mum.

And she writes to me, too, by the way.

Why you son of a -- Take it back!

Or what? Or what?!

Enough! We will relax,

we will smell the fresh air, we will smell the animals!

We will have fun!

Oh, great! You guys have a fire going.

I made us a soup from fresh mushrooms, roots, and herbs --

all indigenous to the area.

You see? This is the initiative I'm looking for.

Yes, Sammy, you did start the fire.

But I deducted points 'cause you're being a dick.

**

* Here comes Apollo Gauntlet

Mmm. This is delicious, Rubis.

I had no idea you were a mycologist.

Ooh! Mixologist? Like Tom Cruise in "Cocktail"?

No. Myc-ologist. A fungi expert.

Fun guy? Like Tom Cruise in "Cocktail"?

Oh, Jesus...

Anyway, isn't this nice, guys?

Just a quiet, pleasant evening in the woods.

Hey, good evenin'! Ah!

Holy cow, you scared me.

Yeah, I'm the Forest Ranger, Bog Bob.

They call me that because I grew up in a bog and my name is Bob.

Well, thanks, Bob.

I appreciate the quick turnaround

between nickname and explanation.

Right.

In any case, I am legally obligated

to warn campers about recent incidents in the area.

Incidents?

Uh, people gone missing, animal mutilations,

and...mysterious surgeries.

Real quick -- could you clarify

the "mysterious surgeries" thing?

Corpses composed of

human and animal body parts sewn together.

Anyway, have a good night!

By the they way, I wouldn't eat those if I were you.

[ Laughs ]

Rubis, I'm suddenly gettin' a little nervous here.

Uh, what'd you put in that soup again?

Oh, don't listen to him.

I brought along my comprehensive

"Compendium of Survival Techniques" and I...

Oh.

Oh, no.

It says the mushrooms may -- MAY --

cause delusions, paranoia, and intense hallucinations.

[ Laughs ] [ Spits ]

But they are edible.

Let's get the [bleep] out of here!

Can't. My legs feel weird.

How we gonna find our way out in the dark?

What about those people over there?

We could ask them for help, eh?

Looks like they're having a bit of a party.

Missing people, animal mutilations...

It's an evil cult!

[ Screaming ]

[ Indistinct chanting ]

All right. Come on, buddy.

[ Chanting continues ]

Nobody panic.

Everything's fine. We're all fine here.

Except for the part where we're about to be sacrificed

and physically dismantled by a bloodthirsty cult...?

Even so, you know, I think it's good

to get out of your comfort zone now and then...

Aah! Oh, Lord, I just saw one of them.

Yeah, they're closing in. They're gonna kill us.

[ Barks ]

Shut up, Puff, or they'll sew us together!

[ Whines ]

Look! I think I see some lights up ahead!

It's a cabin! Let's go!

[ Chanting continues ]

**

All right, everyone chill, okay? Act normal.

The last thing we want to do

is trip balls when they answer the door.

[ Door creaks open ] -Good evening.

Oh, God, help us -- we're lost and scared --

we don't know where we are -- and we're scared.

Well, we can't have that, can we? Come on in.

**

Apollo: [ Thinking ] Oh, my God,

these mushrooms are really kicking in now.

Play it cool. Don't lose it. Say something.

Nice, it's -- [ Clears throat ]

How long a place here for you for time?

Smooth, buddy. Real smooth.

**

Try some of these.

[ Spider shrieks ] -Aah!

[ Dishes shatter ]

Am I just paranoid, or am I stoned?

[ Chanting intensifies ]

Uh, anyone else hear that?

No, not at all.

-[ Whines ] -And I definitely don't hear it

growing louder and louder by the second,

tightening around our necks like the grip of Death itself!

Phew. Well, that's a relief.

We're all gonna die.

[ Whimpers ]

These taste just like my Nana's.

Guys, I think we're still just trippin'.

I don't think any of this is really happening, is it?

[ Groans ]

No! No!

Ohh, I guess it is.

Oh, [bleep]!

[ Grunting ]

Ow!

Huh?

Ah!

[ Pounding on door ]

[ Gasps ] [ Whines ]

You were always a disappointment, Montgomery.

I told your mother she coddled you too much.

Eat [bleep], Dad!

[ Yells ]

Sorry, Grandma. Alley-oop.

[ Groans ]

[ Grunting ]

No, Monty, Monty. Stop senior abuse!

You're just shroomin' out, dude.

Hey, guys, we can escape down here!

Time to go, buddy.

Great. Yeah. Out of the fire-pan and into...

...well, a much safer place, actually.

Good work, Rubis.

Yeah, yeah.

It almost makes up for dosing us with neurotoxins.

Ohh!

Ah, I think it's wearing off -- the mushies.

How do you feel?

Uh, that depends.

Is your face currently rendered in an early Photoshop filter?

[ Woman screaming in distance ]

[ All gasping ]

[ Woman screams ]

Holy shit. What is this, Satan's foyer?

Voice: Are you here to offer your souls

to the Great One, as well?

The Great One?

So Wayne Gretzky's behind all of this?

Voice: With the sacrifice of the seven virgins,

a new age of terror shall begin.

Why does it always have to be terror?

Why can't a new age of fun begin?

Okay, new rule -- if we all see the same thing

at the same time, uh, that means it's real, okay?

[ Roars ]

Do you see that guy?

Oh, [bleep]. Then we're [bleep]. -[ Roars ]

Not today, Spazmodius!

I'm gonna go save those girls!

Right behind ya.

Oh, and he gets him with a clothesline!

Why are you doing this?

[ Grunts ]

Hey...

Let me help you. Whoa!

[ Screams ] Oh, no!

'Fraid not, nut-- nots-- NotforASStu!

[ Inhales ]

[ Growls ]

The hell were those?

**

[ Screams ]

Oh, no, you don't!

[ Grunts ]

You're welcome.

Phew.

[ Gasps ]

[ Roars ] [ Yells ]

[ Whines ]

Is everything cool, dudes?

**

Oh, Jesus!

Superknife, what are you doing, dude? Oh, my God.

[ Growls]

Hey Rubis, you got any

exorcismic incantations

in that Compendium of yours?

Hold on, uh...

Here we go, here we go.

"In Regards to the Rebuking of Daemons."

Sounds about right!

Exi, Daemon!

[ Growls ] Jacio te ad infernum unde venistis!

Abde ad infern--

Wow, she literally had one word left to say -- "infernum!"

**

Are you guys got demons out of you now?

[ Panting ]

Apollo, use this!

Got it!

Hey, say hi to your mom for me.

[ Yelling ]

**

Monty, we gotsta go!

You and the other virgins get down here!

Pff, what a dick.

[ Screams ]

Go, go, go!

Oh, no, not them again!

[ Explosion ]

[ Growling ] I will return...

What happened?

Thank you for saving us, Apollo.

Yeah, no, it was pretty messed up

so, yeah, no, you're welcome.

Uh, hey, this might be a bad time,

but I'd love to get that scone recipe from you.

Wait, we forgot Sammy!

I've abandoned my son, I've abandoned my bo--

Oh, there he is.

**

Camping... can be a lot of fun.

I hope this experience hasn't soured you on it.

"Soured" is putting it mildly.

I was coerced, drugged,

and possessed by a demonic ghost!

Apollo: But, aside from that,

uh, it wasn't that bad.

**

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