Original subtitles

Okay, Sammy, let's try this again.

Aaaah.

Uh, uh...

Eeuh, uh, uh...

Ash-- aah...asshole. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]Oh, this is very productive.

Monty, you know as well as I do

that kids say the darndest things.

It's been scientifically proven.

Are you Apollo Gauntlet?

Yeah?

I have a message from the Bellenus family...

Whoa, man! Ever heard the term "don't punch the messenger"?

Come on, I've seen, like, a million mob movies --

dude comes up to you, says,

"I got a message from Mr. Moretti."

Boom! Shoots ya in the face.

I know it's either that or, "Mr. Moretti says hello!"

Boom!

Shoots you in the face.

"Mr. Gauntlet -- you are formally invited

to attend the annual

Dinner of Diplomats at Castle Bellenus."

[ Laughter ]Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Oh, and there's a private letter

from Daphne in here as well!

Give me that!

Apollo, I've heard rumors

that one of the attending diplomats

may be planning to assassinate the King.

I'd feel much safer if you were there.

Yours, Daphne.

P.S., be inconspicuous!

All right, well, I got a mission now,

so catch you dudes later. Bye!

Aw, what about us, matey?

I could get a guard uniform and go in undercover!

I could be your plus one.

Uh, you know, that might not be...

And I can be your eyes on the inside!

And Puff... Puff can be your...

-Eww. -All right, all right!

You guys can be involved in the mission, but, uh...

Just keep in mind the key word is "subtlety."

Heeeeeeeeeey guyyyyyyyys.

♪♪

♪ Here comes Apollo Gauntlet

Yeah, I'm here, uh, for the diplomatical event-ening

that's happening here tonight?

Oh, Christ, I think I stepped in troll shit.

And this...and this is, uh, my First Lady.

[ Whispering ] L-Let's hope she's not my last.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, thank you, sir. Just make sure your carriage

is parked in the designated are--

Aah! [ Gasping ]

What are you doing?

We were in.

I need to borrow his guard outfit.

Just cutting off the oxygen to his brain for a bit.

Oh, okay.

Well, we know that that's never had an adverse effect on anyone.

[ Feedback ]Monty: Can you guys hear me?

Ohh!

We're still setting up

the recon vehicle.

Just wanted to make sure we'd be able to communicate

once you're inside the castle. Over.

Okay, uh...cool.

Thanks, Monty. I have to go now.

I'm currently watching Superknife murder someone.

And...

down like a newborn.

If he's dead, I will testify against you at the trial.

[ Crowd murmuring ]

[ Dishes, silverware clinking ]

Miss? Wine?

You bet I do! Fill 'er up!

Madam, this bottle of wine is over 500 years old.

Mm. [ Gulps ]

Tastes okay to me.

-Ugh... -Hey, we're here

to stop an assassination, not guzzle expensive booze!

What are you so pent up about?!

[ Trumpet plays off-key ]And now I present

the much venerated hosts of the party --

King and Queen Bellenus,

accompanied by Prince Orenthal

and his lovely betrothed, Daphne!

I just don't want you to embarrass me.

I'm well aware of your fixation with Daphne.

But guess what -- you're just a bumpkin like me

and these blue-bloods will smell it by a country mile.

Well, thanks for the "Hannibal lecture"

about what a hayseed I am.

But I happen to think that Daphne is quite fond of me.

Oh, hi!

In your dreams, Podunk.

[ Chomps ]

Look at that.

The Queen of Freedonia?

That dress is scandalous, I tell you.

Flaunting her... l-luscious...

youthful...figure.

It's a disgrace.

[ Barks, growls ]

That's just on the screen, dummy.

You talk a big game,

but you wouldn't even know what to do

if you got your paws on that.

[ Whines ]

So, uh, what nation are you representing, exactly?

I'm Queen of Freedonia.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh, puppy!

[ Barking ] Ooh!

[ Barking ][ Snaps fingers ]

What exactly is it that you do in this kingdom, Mr. Gauntlet?

Me? Well, no offense to your police force,

but I feel there's room for, uh, you know,

o-o-outside h-heroic parties

to keep an eye on... on the crimes?

I hate to disagree,

but I do believe we have our borders covered,

on allfronts.

So, you seem to be going over pretty well.

Yeah, funny. Hilarious.

No, no, I -- no, I really think, uh, you know,

the king seemed impressed, uh, by your, uh,

[ Chuckling ] your story that you just told.Shut -- shut up. Shut up.

Will you shut the [bleep] up, please?

[ Slurring ] Okay, I'm goin' in.

In where?The bag? You can barely walk.

Shh, hey, shh, shut up.

[ Whispering loudly ] Listen -- it's all an act.

If I come across as extremely intoxicated,

nobody will suspect I'm actually casing the joint

for suspicious activity.

-[ Groans ] -Urgh, there she goes.

-Ow! -Hey!

Yeah, this is great. This is great.

Hey, Superknife! Wazzup, dude?

-Hey. -Hmm?

Are you new here?

No, I'm often here. All the time, in fact.

Yeah, guarding things and making sure things

are properly...guarded.

You have a spare moment?

[ Sultry ] I have a lock I can't open.

And where's it located, miss?

I'll show you once we get there.

You can probably handle it.

If he leaves with her,

this is an act of gross, gross misconduct.

[ Chuckling ] Okay...where's this lock?

And there it is! At 19:00 hours,

Superknife abandoned his post due to suspicious innuendo.

[ Folk music plays ]

[ Whispers ] Apollo, come with me.

Oh, yeah! This is...great.

So, have you noticed any unusual activity?

No? Come on, do you -- do you really think

there's an assassination plot?

What are you implying?

Oh, I dunno, uh, it did occur to me

that this might all just be a ploy

so that you could see me again.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, okay.

So, I purposefully invented a scenario of political intrigue

to attract you here, but, in actuality,

my true intent was to "see you again"?

Well, O-Occam's Razor dictates that, uh...yeah.

Maybe you're not the hero I thought you were.

Then if I am not, uh,

perhaps we have reached an impasse on this eve,

milady, and I bid you adieu.

Ow!

[ All gasp ]Oh, no!

It's gonna go, it's gonna go!

Oh, no, oh, no, it's going.

Oh, no, it's gonna go.

Whew! That was a close one.

[ All gasp ]

It was going to...melt... anyway, so...

[ Grunts ] Ow!

Urgh! Ow!

Ohh, whoa.

What's this?

An invisibility cloak?

Now let's see what's going on in the kitchen.

[ Twinkle! ]

Urgh! Ow!

[ Grumbles ]

Ohh. Hello, sweeties.

[ Chuckles, munching ]

Death to the ruling class, my brothers and sisters.

-And in mere moments... -Huh?

...you will deliver it to them

on a silver platter. [ Laughs ]

Yup-yah! Yup-yah!Yup-yah! Yup-yah!

Apollo! Emergency!

[ Feedback ]

[ Grunts ]

Okay, we're in a pickle now.

I've lost communication with Apollo,

so one of you needs to tell him the cake is poisoned!

-Pronto, people! -[ Gasps ]

Hey, come back here!

Rubis: Ow, urgh, ow, oh!

Ahh!

[ Rubis panting ]

[ Slurring ] The cake is poisoned.

The lake is f-frozen?

The cake is poisoned!

The steak...is...overdone?

The cake is poisoned!

The...drapes are chosen.

[ Yelling ] Aw, crikey, the cake is poisoned!

Huh?![ All gasp ]

It's time to clear the table!

[ All gasp ]

And this one, too!

[ All gasp ]

Now the question is --

who poisoned the cake?

[ Approaching footsteps ]

This is not a cake-off, this is not a bake-off --

no, this is a full-on brawl!

The secret ingredient tonight is violence.

Ooh, right in the entrees!

[ Groans ]

[ All gasp ]

[ Applause ]

Oh, shut up,

I don't need your applause,

you boring, inbred elitists.

You sicken me.

But you know what?

Even with this experience today,

I will continue my efforts to protect you.

Why? Because I'm stupid like that.

Because I am attempting in my own small way

to maintain sanity amidst all this madness.

Thanks, Apollo.

♪♪

[ Gasps ] Guards, eject him!

[ Record scratch ]

[ As Daniel Plainview ] I am the Third Revelation!

♪♪

Congratulations, everyone.

Mission accomplished.

Ah, the best part, I say,

is we're really making headway as a team.

Yes! And it can feel like a Boys' Club with you guys

at times, but you finally let me pull my weight on this one.

[ Barks ]

Yeah, yeah, yes, it was amazing.

Not since Seal Team Six

has an operation been pulled off so smoothly.

I got to say it -- I'm proud of you, Apollo.

Yeah?

Takes a lot of balls

to wear that outfit in public.

[ Laughter ]

And with no apparent hint of embarrassment.

Yeah, it's pretty lame, bro.

That's it. I'm taking your allowance away.

[ Boing! ]

♪♪

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