Original subtitles

[ Muttering ]

Oh, they're remaking "Goodfellas"!

Michael Bay?

Oh, no. It was just a horrible nightmare.

Hey, man, where are we?

Okay. Where aren't we?

What?

Hold it right there, pal!

I'm a police officer

and I want to know exactly what the hell is going on --

[ Electricity buzzes ]

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, I think that jolt just erased

my entire memory of watching "From Justin to Kelly"

on cable the other night.

Thank you.

How did you find me?

Like I said, I'm a cop.

And I've been undercover for months

trying to track down the serial killer

who's been murdering...

homeless people.

Although I know you best as Test Subject 55,

I'm well aware of your true identity...

-Officer Paul Cassidy. -What?

I saw it on the teevee.

And in sad news,

Winnipeg police officer Paul Cassidy

is still missing and now presumed dead.

He said "presumed."

Local law enforcement has officially called off

the search for his body.

Oh.

Okay. Back to work.

Wait, what're you doin'?

Holy [bleep]

Did you just nuke that dude?

I barely knew him.

Well, we'll see in a moment.

I sent him to another dimension.

See, I leave them there for a bit,

and then I bring them back.

But what comes back

could be ashes, mutations, corpses.

A lot of corpses.

Half the time I don't even know

if there's oxygen where I'm sending them.

[ Chuckles ]

Ooh, this here is some Brundlefly [bleep]

Okay, let's see what we got.

You turned him into a pickle!

[ Roars ]

Let me go and I'll help.

No! No way!

I just need to grab that remote!

Aah!

[ Grunting ]

Okay! Help!

Oh, hold on. He --

Now he's going for the folding chair.

And here he goes. And...

No effect.

Oy. Strong like a bull.

This'll just take a second -- Aah!

Oh, no! You fool!

There's no telling what could hap--

...pen.

What?

[ Girl laughing ]

What you do?

Do you smell that?

Fresh air!

And from what I can see, an entirely inhabitable

Earth-like environment.

What you do?

When TS54 smashed the console,

we must have accidently passed through

a perfect interdimensional wormhole,

the exact coordinates I've been searching for.

What you do?

We were e-mailed to another world.

Oh.

Anyway, time to lose this thing.

[ Device beeps ]

Well, you thought you had me, but you're under arrest.

And by the looks of this place,

you're going to medieval jail.

Best-case scenario, you'll end up with...

Bubonic plague...

dysentery...

and boils on your beef whistle.

Dr. Benign, you have the right to rem--

Miley Cyrus!

Let me just grab these little guys here.

Paul, I know it's probably hard to absorb at the moment,

but you and I breached

a new barrier in the universe and survived.

We're like the Belka and Strelka of interdimensional travel.

[ Chuckles ]

Anyway, I'm glad that someone

was here to see my dream come to fruition.

[Bleep]...you!

Bye.

[ Laughing ]

[ Gagging ]

Yeah! No pickle's gonna break my stride!

[ Growls ]

Uh-oh.

Oh, my God!

I'm about to be murdered by a gherkin.

Oh, and he gets 'em with clothesline!

[ Laughing ] Yeah.

Look out, matey!

There's a scary dude terrorizing the area.

Yeah, I know. He's right behind me.

Oh, no, that's him.

[ Snarling ]

What?

Superknife: No, that's him.

Oh [bleep]

[ Giant laughs ]

I love apples.

What's that?

What the hell's it look like?

It's a giant, and we're here to stop him.

You guys are her-- heroes?

Sorry, that sounded a little bit condescending.

Oh, you guys are heroes?

Hmm, I never liked that designation.

You know, I prefer "helpers."

In any case, I'm Superknife,

that's Monty, and that's Rubis.

[ Barks ]

Sorry. And that's Puff.

Oh, okay. Uh, I'm Paul.

So, what's the plan here exactly?

I say we let him pillage.

As a general rule, I try to avoid doing battle

with anyone that can inhale me.

[ Girl screams ]

Mommy!

Oh, no, you don't!

Hey! Want some 'tard to go with that child?

[ Grunts ]

[ Groans ]

Uh-oh, it's raining girls!

Hallelujah!

[ Girl laughing ]

Uh, yeah. You're -- You're welcome.

I'll kill you!

[Bleep]

Aah, this is how people die!

Corporal Vile, sir, we found this guy

wandering the wastelands.

No -- No need for physical violence, guys.

I was perfectly willing to come along peacefully.

Who is this worm?

He was doing a bunch of sciency stuff,

so I figured you might have some use for him.

Hmm.

Yes, I'm a scientist. [ Laughs ]

Some might say inventor as well.

Oh! Here's -- Look at this.

You snap this ring around someone's neck, right?

Then you have this controller here, you own them.

They get out of line? Boom! Blow their head off.

[ Laughs ]

You -- You seem like the kind of guy

that might appreciate something like that.

I like it.

Welcome aboard.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

Ohhh!

Oh!

Oh, man.

I think I compromised my coccyx.

Wow, this is strange.

This -- This looks the kind of cave

that Werner Herzog

would like to make a documentary about.

And at the heart of the caves,

be sure to visit our majestic ballroom.

Ooh!

That suit looks like it'd fit me like a glove.

You don't belong here.

[ Gasps ] Oh, Jesus.

God Jesus, you gave me the geebers creepers.

Phew.

But, yeah, no, I agree.

I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo.

What -- What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here.

But I -- But I fell into a fissure.

This world. You don't belong in this world.

Wait, wait. What -- What are you doing?

What's that?

Paul. Paul Cassidy.

Yes!

When you ceased to exist on Earth,

I siphoned your minutiae through a pinhole

in the micro-dimensional continuum.

Oh, hey. Thanks, dude.

Uh, let me buy you lunch or something.

By the way, I-I didn't catch your name?

I am Ozborne King.

I am attempting to modify the Oracles of Doom.

And as an outsider to this world,

you are uniquely qualified to assist me.

That sounds a little more involved than --

than I'd like to get.

Augury can only be revised by the exotic.

Well, that's what my grandma always said.

Silence.

[ Ground rumbles ]

The heroes will die. It's been foretold.

But if you can save them,

it will prove your influence upon the prophecies.

Whoa! Where'd you go?

**

Gauntlet: Hello, there!

[ Gasps ]

Did you just talk, or is this just another stage

of the horrific nightmare that I'm having?

Right the first time.

We're partners now,

and we're gonna fight the forces of evil together.

Plus, we have a psychic link, so I'll understand

all the stupid jokes you love to tell.

Now, let's go fight that giant!

Yeah? Are you ready?

'Cause it's like

"Gulliver's Don't Travels" up there.

[ Cricket chirps ]

I thought you were gonna like my jokes.

[ Townsfolk shouting ]

Ba-goy!

-Huh?! -[ Gasps ]

-Yeah! -Ooh!

* Coming alive in the new world *

* With my new suit and gauntlet *

* Yeah, boy

* No one's built a honkey yet

* Big enough to stop me Ooh!

* So sit back, relax, and just watch me *

* Climbing up onto his ass crack and back fat *

* Ending up on his dome for some payback *

Shit!

And, oh! Right in the fontanel.

That was a puny attempt to stop me.

The proportions between these gladiators

is skewed to be sure.

But, oh, no! There he is.

He's done it.

Gene, what do you think?

You can't get a guy this big in a --

Oh, and he did! Apparently you can!

What are you doing?

[ Screams ]

[ Splash ]

Hey, skipper. Thanks, mate.

We were in real trouble back there.

Yeah, yeah, amazing stuff.

So who are you, exactly?

I'm Apollo Gauntlet.

I'm on a quest to undo the Oracles of Doom.

No, wait. That's wrong.

I'm Paul Cassidy from Earth.

Well, whatever your name is, we're on a quest to find beer.

Why don't you join us?

First day on the job, though, that wasn't so bad.

Yeah, no.

I-I think we're a good team, actually.

Great, well, we'll see what happens, I guess.

Hey -- Hey, guys, uh, wait up.

**

* Fights evil even when it's not there *

* Here comes Apollo Gauntlet

* Fighting for goodness in everyone *

* Put on your magic gauntlets

* Wait for the proper time

* You fight the evil even though it's everywhere *

* It's everywhere

* Here comes Apollo Gauntlet

**

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