All language subtitles for The Bernie Mac Show s05e07 For Whom The Belt Tolls.eng

(theme music playing)

Oh!

Hey, America.

Bernie Mac is road-weary.

12 cities in 14 days.

Long hours, different hotels
every night.

I am beat.

But one thing traveling does,
America, it makes you appreciate

what's waiting for you
at home, believe me.

JORDAN:
Uncle Bernie! You're back!

We missed you.

Boy, I'm busy.
Don't come in here.

(whistling)

Mmm.

(contented sigh)

Oh, boy.

Somebody's been in my seat.

Them damn kids.

Wanda!
Yeah?

You let those kids
go in my den?

Wait, wait, wait, hold up.
I didn't let anybody do anything.

You know what?
They were acting up all while you were gone, okay?

I mean, I've had to deal with
constant fighting, back talk,

and a small little fire

Jordan may or may not
have started.

Ooh, I am at the end
of my rope with that boy.

He is totally out of control.

He's out
of control, huh?

You give him the eye?

The eye doesn't
work anymore.

He doesn't listen to me.

Let me see the eye.
Let me see it.

I... Now you're not
listening to me.

Well... All right, then,

I'll deal with the boy
first thing in the morning.

But right now I've
got to get me some sleep.

Wait. You sleeping
in the middle of the day?

What am I supposed to do?

Wanda, baby,
what you always tell me?

You said the people in your job,
they're just like children.

So use some of that work
tactics here at home.

You're the boss lady.

Crack the whip. Pop it!

(smacks with towel)

Now you know you're not
supposed to watch TV in your uncle's den.

This is why we gave you
the TV in here.

I can never
get to it.

They're always
in here playing

their stupid
video games. Nuh-uh!

Vanessa's always
kicking us out

to watch The O.C.

As if!

Well, from now on,

we have this schedule to
determine TV privileges.

Now, as you can see,
you all have equal viewing time, okay?

This is normalized
by your respective ages

to eliminate
all conflicts.

Any questions?

Yes, one.
Are you serious?

Very.

Look here, Bryana.
It's your hour.

Enjoy.

Ha-ha.

(voices speaking
indistinctly on TV)

MAN (on TV):
(singing indistinctly)

KIDS (on TV):
♪ Aye, aye Captain! ♪

Move.

SINGER:
♪ Let's tighten it up now ♪

♪ Do the tighten up,
everybody can do it now ♪

♪ So get to it,
we're gonna tighten up ♪

♪ Let's do the tighten up,
you can do it now ♪

♪ So, baby, get to it ♪

♪ Look to your left now
look to your right ♪

(smashing
and whooshing) What is all that noise?

(gasps)

Jordan? What are you doing?

Uh... nothing, just trying
to teach myself golf.

You are ruining my club,
and my garden! Ooh!

You're not going to tell
Uncle Bernie, are you?

Boy, you ain't
got to worry about

Uncle Bernie,
you need to worry about me.

Now you replant all
of these flowers,

mister, until you learn
how to respect other people's property.

Do you understand?

So you're not going
to tell Uncle Bernie?

No, he is sleeping
and you better not disturb him.

Get to planting.

Oh, whatever you say.

Phew.

(snoring)

GIRL (on TV):
Oh my God, that's wonderful.

Which one?

What channel did
you say it was on?

(TV channel changes
to funky music)

Hey, I was watching that!

You can have my hour later.

Hmm, nice.

Real nice.

Give me that!

In a minute.

BERNIE:
Keep it down!

Don't let me
come out there!

(hushed)
I've got to go.

Bye.

And your hour
is up anyway.

No, it's not.

Let's consult
the schedule.

I said, it's not.

You are so dead!

(hits piano keys)

(muffled grunting)

WANDA:
Isn't that sweet?

My system is working.

♪ I've got the schedule ♪

So?
Give me that!

Come and get it.

(loud thump)

(ominous music playing)

(both whimper)

(loud crash)

You made those kids a schedule
and expect that to work?

You just gave them something
else to fight about.

I didn't know
what else to do.

They don't listen to me.

Wanda, I told you, all you
have to do is stand firm,

stick to your guns.

That's all I do and it works.

That's because
they fear you.

They better!
Because if they don't,

I get Big Mama's belt
and I...

(awkward music playing)

America, if the problem is that
those kids don't fear Wanda,

then don't worry, they will.

I'll see to it myself.

Wanda.
Hmm?

Here, baby,
this is for you.

Ooh.

Isn't this Big
Mama's belt? Mm-hmm.

My God, was
she a size 40?

No. It's not for wearing.
It's for scaring.

Oh.
You understand that?

You said the kids don't fear
you, now this is the key.

I call this the weapon
of ass destruction.

Uh, thanks, honey,
but you know what?

The belt, that's
not my thing. (belt snaps)

Oh.

That right there is a snap.

It's also called
a yellow threat level.

That's good
for domestic disturbance

and washing the dishes,
bedtime and pre-church.

Now, if it escalates
to the orange threat level,

that's when you've got to crack
the whip like this.

(loud crack)
Yeah, now, when they see that,

they don't want to see
what else is going to happen after that.

Now if you crack
that whip like that,

only thing,
you can't complete a sentence.

You've got to do things
like, "I done told you...!"

(loud crack)
"Next time I tell you, I'm gonna...!"

(yelling gibberish)

Wow, that's very impressive.

Of course, when you do it,
you can add a little flare.

I like to stick my tongue out
like M.J.

(yelling)

(loud crack)

Wow. If that doesn't work,

then what's the next
threat level?

Oh, the red threat level.

You don't want to go there.

'Cause if you do, we'd
be on the 5:00 news.

(sighs)
Now, here you go.

And remember.

(roars)

Oh, boy. Mmm.

Okay, Noah, the Neighbor?

Hoppity Rabbit?

Jimmy's Cluck Cluck?

What happened to the fight?

What happened to my Bears?

I can't have nothing!

(sickly beeps)

They broke it.

I'm so glad you came
at the last moment, Alex. I don't know what to do.

Now, I've got to be able
to tape my shows.

Because my den
is my sanctuary. This is my holy place.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

Even with the pour acoustics,
the bad lighting

and the less than
optimal viewing angle?

I need a new den?

No, Bernie, you don't need
another den.

It's just that this one
is not conducive

to the ultimate home theater
experience.

How can I be conducive,
then, Alex?

Damn it, I want to know.

You really want to know?

Jordan?

Jordan, I thought
I told you to plant the flowers.

Yeah, but since it's
Mr. Cardena's job anyway,

I figured--
Huh?

What? When did you?
But you never...

I said get to planting now.

(loud crack)

Yes, ma'am.

Imagine this.
Mm hmm?

We put a 70-inch flat plasma
screen right here.

Oh, that's nice,
I mean real nice.

Oh, it gets nicer, brother.

We've added not five...

Uh-uh.
Not six...

Uh-uh, seven?

7.1 surround sounds, man.

Ooh, filthy.

I need that right now.

WANDA:
Bernie, honey, what are you doing in there?

Nothing, I'm just
chill-axing with Alex.

-Oh, hello.
-(Alex clears throat)

Look, look, baby.

I know we
didn't discuss it,

but I'm getting
a new television up in here.

Nothing big,
nothing fancy.

Well, honey,
I just came in here

to tell you
that the belt works. Jordan's listening.

Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Sweetheart, you
mean to tell me

you don't mind me
getting a new TV in here?

With a DVD server
and a new recliner chair

to sit right here?

And a new wall, right,
right, right...?

Bernie?

You're kidding,
aren't you? You want to find out?

No, now, Wanda.
Come on now.

Alex.

You didn't see
nothing, did you?

No.

Just standing here.

(Dazz Band:
"Let it whip" playing)

(belt snapping)

♪ Want to see you with it ♪

♪ Sho' could
treat you right ♪

♪ Give me just a minute
of your time tonight ♪

♪ We both are here
to have the fun ♪

♪ So let it whip ♪

(belt cracks)

♪ We'll get into groovin' ♪

♪ Love your body language ♪

♪ Baby, let me know ♪

♪ You've got me
sort of anxious ♪

♪ We both are here
to have the fun ♪

(belt snaps)
♪ So let it whip ♪

-♪ So let it whip ♪
-♪ Let's whip it baby ♪

-♪ Child ♪
-♪ Let's whip it right ♪

-♪ Let it whip ♪
-♪ Let's whip it baby ♪

♪ Work it all night ♪

(belt cracks)
♪ What's your trip? ♪

-♪ Oh no ♪
-♪ Child ♪

(approaching footsteps)

(scoffs) She is never
without that belt.

You know, I never thought
I'd actually say this,

but she's worse
than Bigfoot.

I know. She's always
whipping it out and cracking it.

Has she actually ever
hit you guys with it?

Maybe she's bluffing.

Well, I don't want to
be the one to find out.

I want to go to
college in a year.

If Uncle Bernie's
never hit us, there's no way she will.

Jordan, you know your
book bag doesn't go there.

Pick it up.

I'll pick it up later.

(dramatic music playing)

WANDA:
Did you hear what I said?

I said pick up
that book bag now.

And I said
I'll get it later.

Don't you walk
away from me!

I said pick up that book bag
now, or I swear I'm gonna--

Or you're gonna what?

(screams)

(grunts)

(Jordan screams)

Wow, man, that sounds
so doggone real!

It's like it's coming
from all around here! (chuckles)

It's not turned on yet.

I think that was
one of your kids.

Wait.

BERNIE:
Wanda, what was you thinking?

You're not supposed
to hit the boy in the head.

I didn't hit him in the head.
He ran into the wall.

Ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow. I'm sorry.

Jordan, it's not that bad.
Son, let me see it.

It's not that bad.

Sweet Lord, the white meat's
showing. We're going to jail.

Oh, we better go
to the ER. (screams)

America, all this time
y'all were scared

I was going to be the one
to beat one of those kids,

but it was Wanda
who snapped first.

(cackles)

Mmm!

Well, I guess it was
kind of my fault

for giving her
too much power too soon.

Almost gave that boy
a concussion.

I know that hurt her hard.

Wow. She...

America, she may never
be the same.

(Chuckles)
Boy, I wish I could have been there to see it...

Pow!

Ow!

(wheezing laugh)

Love it. I love it.

(chuckling)

See? It wasn't as bad
as you thought.

You didn't even get stitches.

Yep, I think the wall got
the worst end of that stick.

You know what?
Why don't we get the girls

and we'll all go
to Royal Burger, huh?

You guys go ahead.

I'm just gonna stay here.

I think I traumatized Jordan.

Baby, that boy's spent

the first six years of
his life in a crack house.

I think he can handle it.

No, I mean...

I mean he won't even
look at me since we've been home.

I mean, he's not even
talking to me.

I don't know what to do.

Enjoy it.

What?

Baby, the example you
made out of that boy,

the other kids are never--
I mean never, ever--

cross you again,
you hear me?

I want them to listen
to me, not hate me.

Oh, Wanda, Wanda, baby...

Them kids don't hate you.

It was an accident.

Now you want to see hate?

Look in the eyes
of that oldest child

when she look at me.

Now that's hate.

Look, I'm going
to wash my face.

I'm going to come back
and rub your feet, okay?

Come on, let's have
a good time tonight.

Hmm...
Come on.

It's not what I want.

I don't want them to hate me.

Okay...

here you go.

Actually, I kind of wanted
a root beer float.

Oh, okay, absolutely.

(humming)

Here you go, with the bendable
straw, just like you like it.

Now, it's going to
take me 20 minutes

to get your Nutter Butters.
Are you gonna be okay?

Okay, good.

Wow. That thing
must really hurt.

(door closes)

No, not at all.
But she doesn't know that.

You...

(battle music playing on TV)

Hey, Jordan, you
enjoying your own TV?

Shh, I'm about to crack
level nine.

Oh, sorry.
Wow, that looks real.

Ooh. (laughs)

Oh, you know,
when you're finished,

you think maybe you could pick
up some of these clothes?

I tried, but bending down
makes me dizzy.

Sweetie, I know you're injured,
but how hard could it be?

Please, don't hit me.
Please, don't hit me.

Honey, I'm sorry.
I never...

I mean, I'm s...
I never...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

(battle music resumes)

(humming softly)

(Wanda sighs)

Okay.

(dramatic music playing)

Oh!

Ooh...

Mmm!

Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

(Chuckles)

Hmm...

That's nice.
Real nice.

Doggone, I forgot my drink.

MAN #1 (on TV):
And we're entering at 5.27 degrees.

MAN #2 (on TV):
5.27 degrees, upfront.

MAN #1 (on TV):
T minus 5 to engage.

MAN #2 (on TV):
Disengaging tractor beam now.

I feel like an astronaut.

MAN #2 (on TV):
Captain, we're experiencing a gravitational pull?

WOMAN (on TV):
Asteroids approaching, captain.

MAN #2 (on TV):
You need to get out of there now.

WOMAN (on TV):
Vector right, vector right.

MAN #2 (on TV):
Negative, negative,

the gravitational pull
is too strong...

That's the only thing working
is this right leg.

Wanda? Wanda?

(gasps) Whoa.

Who did all this?

Um, I did.

I felt bad
for ruining your flowers,

and I saw you crying.

(sighs)
Jordan, come here.

You didn't make me cry. I...

I was upset because
you were so afraid of me,

and I never wanted that.

Maybe I wasn't
really afraid

and I only said all those
things about my head hurting

to make you feel guilty.

What?
I-I'm afraid of you now.

(chuckles, clears throat)

You know,
I'm going to do something

that I should have done
in the first place.

So you want to learn
how to play golf?

I'm gonna show you how to do it
the right way, all right?

You take this,
you grip this.

Take it up,
and you want to swing

as hard as you can,
all right?

I'm gonna count to three.
And focus.

(sighs)

Three.

Whoo!

Now for my favorite sports show.

MAN (on TV):
The Sports Den--

(glass shatters)

What'd I do?

(gibberish voices on TV)

What?

(electrical hiss)

BERNIE:
Who did it?!

Uh-oh. Lesson over.

Ow! Hey, Uncle Bernie.

Shut up.
Stay right there.

You two, come on
out here right now.

Come on,
chop, chop.

-Who did it?
-Did what?

Yeah, who did what?

Oh, you're gonna
dummy up on me, huh?

I got something refresh
your memory. Hey, Wanda!

Yeah?
Come here, baby.

We did it, Uncle Bernie.

Please don't let Aunt Wanda
bust our heads.

VANESSA:
It was an accident.

See, we wanted to play
video games on your new TV,

but then we couldn't
figure out how to make it work,

so...

Here.
What?

We couldn't get
that piece back in. I'm not talking about this.

I'm talking about who smashed
my new television with this?

Come on, now.
Who did it? Come on!

Uncle Bernie, we have
something to tell you.

-Uh, Jordan did it.
-Hold this for me.

He stole my clubs,
and he smashed your TV.

What?

That'll teach you.
When I tell you to get

your book bag off the floor,
you listen to me.

I'm more afraid of you
now than I ever was.

WANDA:
Well...

I guess I won't
be needing this.

I will.
WANDA: Okay.

Uh... okay.

Code Red, boy.

Code Red.
(screams)

Move, move, Baby Girl.

And don't think
you're running.

Don't think
you're running!

Now, you two...

(music playing)

(belt snaps)

That's right, America!

I'm taking the power
of the belt back.

Should've never given it up
in the first place.

I just hope I haven't gotten
rusty in my technique

while I was away, you know.

(mutters)

(grunting)

Yeah, that's where
I be hitting him.

All back here,
while he be trying to run.

(moans softly)

(yelling gibberish)

(grunting)

(yells)

Here.

(grunting)

WANDA:
Oh, that's talent.

(belt snaps)

(belt snaps)

(belt snaps)

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