All language subtitles for The Bernie Mac Show s04e03 Being Bernie Mac.eng

(theme music playing)

Hey, Uncle Bernie,
are you going to tell a story about me tonight in your show?

Here's a little story
I'm going to tell.

You don't hurry up
and get that tie,

my two hands will be the last
thing you wear around your neck.

Now give me a reason
to tell it, Jordan.

Look, Uncle Bernie.
I made this picture for you.

It's for your
dressing room.

Baby Girl, thank you.

I'm telling you,
it's going with me.

Go ahead, get
ready for school.

Thank you,
sweetheart.

Hey, little mama.

Okay, so everything
is taken care of.

I'm dropping the kids
off at school,

Mrs. Pounder is going
to pick Bryana up,

Jordan has his
play date with Byron

and Vanessa has her
slumber party to go to,

so who's got
you covered?

You do, baby.

You're going to be there
tonight, aren't you?

I wouldn't
miss it.

Mm, I'm going
to have Jerry

leave you some tickets
at the "will call."

Hey, and
good luck to you

with Wannabe and
the boys, hear me?

Honey, Mr. Watanabe.

Oh, okay.

And thank you.
You tell 'em.

You, too, baby.

Kids, the bus
is leaving!

Hey, Uncle Bernie, can I get
tickets for your show, too?

It's Shannon's birthday and...

No, no.
Oh, come on.

It's her Sweet 16 and she really
wants to see you.

I don't care how sweet it is,

this show
is for mature adults.

Ain't for no little kids,
no girls.

But I'm not a little kid.
I'll be 16 in five months.

You better be a horse doing math
or you better ease up

on stomping your foot
around here.

(groans)

America,
Nessa picking the fight.

She thinks she can wear me down
and get her way,

but I don't have time
for no teenage power play.

No, no, not today.

Bernie Mac father
has to punch out,

so Bernie Mac entertainer...

can get to work.

This is what
I'm talking about.

Listen to me,

I'm not just talking
any old hot sauce, okay?

Mr. Mac prefers
Blazin' Bayou Sauce

for his pork rinds.
Yes, yeah.

Make sure that you put that
in his dressing room, okay?

Thank you.
What are you doing?

How you feeling, killer?
I feel good, man.

It's been a long time
since you prowled the stage,

feel the heat
of the crowd. Yeah.

You ready?
Doggone right I'm ready.

What's up with
the beard, man?

Oh, okay, this Russian girl
that I'm, you know, we're...

She likes it.

I mean, you know,
it itches like hell,

but you know, she...
we... she likes it.

Do you like it?
It's okay with me.

I thought you were going
to ask me for some money.

Ask... well,
that's hilarious.

You getting ready
for your show, warming up? That's funny stuff.

All right, 2:30 we got
the Sophisticated Man magazine interview.

It looks like we're going
to have the cover on that.

4:00 sound check, they're
just going to make sure

that they don't, you know,
mix the bass with the treble.

Yeah, yeah,
you got it, baby.

Okay, Bernie,
remember this, okay?

We got a film crew who's
gonna shadow you through the entire day.

They just want to make sure
that they get some

behind the scenes footage
of the special.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What about my time, though, man?

I see my time scheduled on here.
I need my doggone time.

Will you please chillax?
I'm chillaxed.

Well, just chillax.
Would I forget your time?

I didn't say that.
Would I forget what the Mac Man needs?

Would I forget
to lace Ali's gloves?

Would I forget
to give a baseball player

his go-go juice?
Okay, okay, okay.

You know it.
Right.

Now listen to me.
We got Denise scheduled.

Your manicure, pedicure
and facial right after the fitting.

And then we got Klaus who's
going to be waiting for you,

and he's gonna give you
a nice shiatsu right before the show.

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

I ain't soft, America.
It's how I prepare.

I work from the outside in.

If the audience
see a professional,

they hear a professional.

I'm a package deal.

(soul music playing)

What's up, you squares?
You ready for show time?

You come on in my house.
Hey, baby, how you feel?

All right, you Keisha?
Hey, Jerry.

Woo!
Snap.

Yeah.
How you feel?

What's up, baby?
How y'all?

This is where I start.
Let's get this party started.

Let's get
this started.

(school bell rings)

Pop quiz, are you sure?

Fin saw Sister Kathleen
at the Xerox machine.

It's going down.
If I flunk another quiz,

my parents will take
away my paintball gun.

Oh, what are we gonna do?

(funky music playing)

BOY: Will I go blind, Father?

Ah, science says no,
but the Lord can be vengeful.

I'd give it a rest
if I were you.

(fire alarm ringing)

ALL (shouting):
Fire! Fire!

As if I didn't know
it was you, Timothy.

And keep your hands
out of the holy water.

All right, hold on.
A little snug there, man.

Leave enough room
in the barn for the horse.

Mr. Mac.
What's up, baby?

Thank you, man.

Boy, that's kind of heavy--
hold that.

This is soft,
real nice.

Excellent choice, Mr. Mac.
Hold it for me, okay?

Yeah, the Mac Man
cometh, baby. Yes, sir.

Hey, Jerry,
look.

Ain't nothing going
to stop me tonight.

Yeah, you look
crack-a-lacking.

It's Wanda.
Oh, oh, excuse me, sir.

Hey, baby, what's
going on, gorgeous? What's happening?

Honey, problem.
Mrs. Pounder can't watch Bryana.

Her daughter just
went into labor

and I called all of
our backups, no luck.

Oh, baby, I don't like
the way this is going.

Um, I could pick her up
on lunch, but, honey,

you're gonna
have to watch her.

Come on, baby, I can't have
no kids here, not tonight.

Man, the whole world
is watching.

They're paying $29.99
to see me, babe. Now, come on.

I know, but, honey, you
have a dressing room.

I am in a hotel meeting room.
As soon as I am done here,

I will get down there
and I will take over.

Honey, please, you're gonna
have to meet me halfway on this.

I got to go.
Love you. Bye.

Wanda, don't go.
Don't hang up on me. Wanda, Wanda, come on now.

Hey, man, hey.

My wife, you know, kids--
kid problem.

You know how it is.

America, all I want
to do is entertain.

Just do my show.

Can't those kids survive
without me for just one day?

Ow!

Stuck again.

(funky music playing)

Look, shrimp!

Not right now,
Baby Girl.

I'm going to set you up
in the dressing room.

They got everything
you need.

Jerry, you didn't say
nothing about Baby Girl

being on the schedule today.

No, but even Baby Girl,
she ain't getting in my way.

No, sir.
Bernie Mac, you gotta stay up.

You gotta stay loose, Mac.

Stay the Mac Man, baby.
Yeah.

GIRL: Too young?

I see
R-rated movies.

Well, thanks for
asking, Vanessa.

I guess we'll
just stay home

and make prank phone
calls or something.

It's so lame.

It's some bull.

If I'm old enough to baby-sit
when Bigfoot wants to go out,

and if I'm old enough to bring
him a beer when he's thirsty,

I'm old enough
to see his show.

Oh, no. We are going.

Yeah.
Yeah.

(up-tempo music playing)

Ooh... oh, yeah.

Yeah, oh, baby.

Sweetheart, don't forget
to rub that baby toe.

WOMAN: This one, Mr. Mac?
Uh-huh.

(phone ringing)

Oh, man, I'm in
ecstasy right now, man. I am not here.

Mac it up.

Uh, no, he's
not here right now.

(indistinct)

Uh, actually,
he just walked in.

Hold on one second.

It's Father Cronin.
Remind me to fire you later.

Yeah, sure.
Hello, this is Mac.

CRONIN: Mr. Mac.
Yeah.

There's been a fire--

What, a fire?
Relax, Mr. Mac.

You're gonna
crack your face.

What?

(indistinct)

Was anybody burnt?

(indistinct)

Oh, a fire alarm.

Well, why you
need me to come dow--?

(indistinct)

Okay, Father.

He's one of
the Felonious Four, Mr. Mac.

They're all being sent home.

Look, Father,
I'm in agreeance with you,

but I only have three hours
before showtime, okay?

Mr. Mac, where there is crime
there is punishment.

And where there is punishment
there is me.

Father, we're on the same page.
I'll tell you what.

How 'bout I beat the living
hell out of the boy first thing in the morning?

When it comes to vetting
justice, I prefer it swift and to the point.

(claps) True that.
Look--

May the blessings be.
Absolutely.

Bernie, if I may?

Your Excellency,
hi, I'm Jerry Best.

Awesome.
I'm Bernie Mac's manager.

Ah, Hollywood
type.

I thought I could smell
the sin on you.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's just Aramis.

(chuckles)

Your Holiness, um, this is
a really important day for my client.

The boy's gone.
Case closed.

You got food,
water, toilet.

And I want you to sit there
with your sister and be miserable.

And don't even think about
the word "fun," you hear me?

(exasperated sigh)
All right, you ready, bro,

or do you, uh,
need some more time?

'Cause if you need
some more time,

whatever you want, it's
your day, all right?

Oh, yeah, just so you know,
the reporter from Debonair's here right now.

Yeah, right, my day.

And what's it been like working
with Brad Pitt?

Brad?

B.P.?
Baby, he's a trip.

Really?
'Cause he's so doggone pretty.

All the makeup artists,
all the ladies,

just hover over him
like a bunch of moths, you know what I mean?

He is pretty.
He and Prince. I don't know who's the prettiest.

I have to flip a coin.
BRYANA: Give it back!

JORDAN: Make me! Ow!

That's my ear! Stop it!
Excuse me.

Shut up!
You see what I'm in there trying to do.

Every time I try to do
something y'all come up in here and try to mess it up.

I'll use your heads like
a bunch of click-clacks,

I'll click them
together-- now shut up.

Ooh, excuse me.
You know, kids.

I have to play with them
sometimes, you know?

So let's talk pre-show.

How do you get into
that whole vibe?

How do I prepare?
(kids shouting)

I'll tell you how I prepare.
I, you know, uh...

What was it again?
Your pre-show vibe.

What do you
do to prepare for that?

(kids arguing)
I tell...

Excuse me.

(muttering)

I didn't mean to knock
your glasses off.

Now pick them up.

I'm telling you.

(indistinct scolding)

Drink up and shut up and
let me finish in peace.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

You know, what
was the question?

We were...
(knocking)

What?!
Big Papa, listen.

You have a sound check now.

What's crack-
a-lacking?

Are you, uh, are
you represented?

Testing, one, two, three.
One, two, three.

Two on two,
two on four.

Jordan, sit your butt down
on that chair, man,

before I come
and knock your chest off.

Jordan! Somebody grab that boy
and sit him in his seat for me.

Jordan, if you don't...
You checking it?

Yeah, I'm checking it.
Come on. We're done.

Sit down!
You sound great.

Speakers love you.
We're ready. Come on.

Jerry, when am I gonna
get my time? You know I need my time.

You're gonna get your time.
Ask me what time it is.

What time is it?
It's time that you're going to get your time.

(phone ringing)
Oh. Hold on, hold on.

Come on.
Hello.

WANDA: Honey?
Oh, Wanda. Where are you, sweetheart?

Thought you said you were gonna
come down here and help me.

Sorry, hon. It's been one
tradition after another.

Now Mr. Watanabe wants
to honor our new partnership

with a tea ceremony.

Sweetheart, give him
some Lipton tea

and bring your butt
on down here!

The curtain opens up
in less than an hour.

I know this is terrible timing,
but what can I do?

Now Wanda talking about
she can't make it, man.

This is some bull, man.
Nothing going my way.

All right.
Look, Uncle Bernie.

I added a rainbow to
your good luck picture.

I don't care
what you did, Baby Girl.

I don't care.

Look, Jerry,
you want to help me, man?

Help get all these leeches
off me, man.

Okay, you can say
that to the camera.

Oh. Leeches--
that's just a term of endearment.

Cut the camera.
What's the camera on for, anyway?

Cut that camera off.
What is it doing on anyway?

We have five minutes.
Let's everyone take five minutes now.

BERNIE: Thank you.
Out.

I know you need your time.
You're gonna get it right here.

Thank you.
(loud, unusual vocal warmup)

(music playing)

(moaning)

I got two knots in my back--

one for each kid.

(whispering)
Big Papa, what it is?

Not now, man, please.
We're working out the kinks.

No, no, no, I know.
I know you're working out the kinks.

I'm sorry to disturb you,
but, um,

have you seen Baby
Girl and Jordan?

Only thing that I've seen,
partner,

was inside of my eyelids.

(laughs) Why?

Well, because I had
to take a call

with the Pay-Per-View people,

and, um, you know,
I had a roadie watching them,

and I guess
they just wandered off.

What?

Well, I'll tell you what.

Look until you hear some noise.

If you hear some noise,
you find the kids.

And when you find 'em,
staple 'em to a chair.

Copy that, but I, uh...
Actually, we've been looking

for them for 25 minutes, so...
You know what? Just chillax.

Chillax, and, um, I'm-I'm
going to take care of it.

We're going to look for 'em.

25 minutes?!
How am I gonna get a massage

while my kids are missing
for 25 minutes?

We're in the middle of a city.

Something bad can happen
in 25 seconds.

Mac Man's just going
to have to wait, America.

It's time for Uncle Bernie
to punch back in.

What?

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, America.

Showing a little bosom.
(laughs)

Bernie Jackson.

The boy's about yea high.

Wears little scrawny glasses.

He's slim,
so when you grab him,

make sure you got a grip on him
because he's slippery.

Baby Girl-- little bit shorter.

Got her hair in an Afro puff
like Mickey Mouse.

Only thing about Baby Girl is
she's cute, and she knows it,

so don't make eye contact
with her

because if you do,
she'll own you.

Charlie, Beef, take the service
tunnels, cat walks.

Sonia, Steve,
you take the dressing rooms.

Thirty minutes to curtain,
Mr. Mac.

Thank you.
All right, let's go find my babies.

(people chattering)

Wow.

Where there's shrimp,
there's Baby Girl.

JERRY: Jordan?
(indistinct chatter)

Baby Girl? Jor...?
Oh, guys, guys.

Have you guys seen
two children?

One's an adorable little girl,
and the other one kind of looks

like a young Republican
with, you know, snorkels?

He just went by.
Yeah, check up there.

Awesome. Jordan?

Jordan, I'll tell
you right now,

do not make me
come after you...

(chattering)
This is so cool.

Well, he said
he left some tickets

for my Aunt Wanda,
so if she's not here by now,

she's not coming.

I bet they're
super-awesome seats!

Hey, act 18.

Hi. Tickets
for Wanda Mac.

(girls gasping)

Oh, go, go, go,
go, go, go!

Go!

Look, I'm telling you,
I am Bernie Mac's niece.

You're not getting in.
Hey, Jerry?

Wait a second, wait a second.
Charlie, I'll call you right back.

Vanessa, what the hell
are you doing here?

I caught these
girls trying to sneak in.

Oh, no, no, no,
no, that's okay. She's with me.

I didn't know you
were coming tonight.

Um, yeah, see, I wanted
to surprise Uncle Bernie,

but we don't have any tickets.

Yeah, but you
got Uncle Jerry.

Come on.
You're in.

Oh, but remember,
it's a surprise,

so don't tell Uncle Bernie.

Vanessa, I'm-I'm
a manager, okay?

Secrets and lies--
that's what they pay me for.

Come on.

CHILDREN (singing):
♪ La-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la, la-la-la
la, la-la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la ♪

(clucking)

♪ La-la, la,
la-la, la, la, la... ♪

Where did you all go?
What y'all run off like that for?

You wanted us gone,
so we got gone.

Look, kids, I say things
all the time.

Today you all want
to get sensitive?

Come on, let's get on out
of here.

What?

Oh, y'all want to hear
me say I love you.

Okay then, fine, kids.

I love you.
Come on, let's go.

Say it like
you mean it.

Jordan, I ain't got time
for all this, man. (shrieks)

Jordan! Oh, for the love
of God... Hey, man.

All right, just in time, too,
'cause we got to get you behind the curtain now.

Let's go.
What? Now? I didn't get my throat exercises.

Oh, really?
I just lost ten pounds trying to find your kids.

WANDA: Hi, honey. I made it.
Hey, baby. oh.

Hey, this is
Mr. Watanabe. Hi.

Mr. Hirosaki.
Hi.

And Mr. Nosozu.
So.

Dirty joker man.
(laughter)

Konnichiwa!

Yeah, okay.
He's hilarious. Come on, we got to go now.

Okay, baby, it's showtime.
I got to go, I got to go.

Okay, you look good, honey...
Thank you, baby.

All right, all right,
you ready to make history?

No... not now,
not now, not now, not now.

You ready to make history?
You ready?

Yeah, man,
let's go, let go.

Hey, no, no, not now.

It's all right.
Everybody, just relax.

Chill it, chill it,
chill it.

(performing
voice exercises)

You got nothing to worry about.
Just think funny. That's it.

In fact, just think unfunny,
'cause that makes you more funny.

You just have to
think like you're a lion I a cage.

I'm good.
Okay, and you got to uncage yourself.

I hear you.
Uncage yourself like a lion would uncage...

Nessa!

JERRY: Surprise!

Surprise? Well, what the hell
you doing here?

Thirty seconds.
Man, tell them to wait. Come here.

No, no, no, no. No time, B.
Okay, we're on Pay-Per-View.

It's live. We got
to go. Come on.

I can't perform like this.

It ain't over.
You know...

Come on, come on...
Let 'em go, let 'em go. Let the kids...

You been there before, Bernie.
You been there before.

Come on, come on.
You been there before. Come on.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

the Wiltern is proud
to present... Oh, Nessa. Jordan...

the Mac Man himself,
Mr. Bernie Mac!

(cheering and applause)

Didn't I tell you all
I was coming tonight?

You all real nice,
real nice. Nice.

(whistling)
But I'm a little nervous, man.

I ain't been on stage
in a long time, man.

I got to get my head on right.

My head...
I'm all screwed up, man.

I got kids.
(laughter)

Don't you want to hurt 'em?

Don't you just want
to snap their arm off

and twist their head off
like a chicken wing?

(laughter)

You know. And you know
what I'm talking...

Anybody want to buy
a 15-year-old child?

'Cause you cold-blooded
and you're saving her life.

(laughter)

Let me tell you what
the heifer did this morning.

Woke me up,
4:00 in the morning. 4:00.

Asked me can she come
to this show.

I told her, no,
and I'm the parent.

In her mind, she got an
instant answer within herself.

She told herself
that she gonna come anyway

and sneak in
without me knowing.

Well, ladies
and gentlemen, I found out.

You didn't hear all that noise
back there?

(laughter)
I tried to be...

But see, you can't say things,
can't say things.

(laughter)

You know, I'm just confused
now, man.

Everything is just so doggone
discombobulated now,

you can't do things no more.
Can't say nothing no more.

Everything is PC.

Sure, people can't say "midget."

(laughter)

You got to say "little people."

Some (bleep) this damn tall.

That's a midget.

(laughter)

Like in...
Women now--

you don't wear
no clothes now.

You know, you're like...
you're like, uh, Bam-Bam

and Betty Rubble,
all them cats.

Your chest out.

You see the dark meat
of your butt.

You know what I mean?
(laughter)

You know, women...
You know, you see

your daughter doing
something like that,

you know, it crush you.

But your son--
you see your son...

You walk in on your son...

You know, you try
to be strong.

Well, what you doing?!

(laughter)

Put your doggone clothes
on when you get through.

(laughter)
And take that girl on home.

But see, you walk in
on your daughter, can't. You won't talk like that.

But see, you be on the phone
with your son.

Man, I caught my son
doing a little something, you know?

(laughter)

Oh, man.

No, he can go, he can go,
he can go.

(laughter)

But you catch your daughter
doing something like...

What, you nasty...
just like your mama.

(laughter and clapping)

You know something?

America, it just hit me.

I spent all day
trying to avoid those kids,

thinking they'd stop me
from bringing my "A" game.

but funny thing is,
they gave me my "A" game.

I mean, listen to that crowd.

(laughter and applause)

You hear that?

I told you, America,
I was gonna be gold tonight.

(applause)

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