All language subtitles for The Bernie Mac Show s03e19 The Talk.eng

♪♪

Hey, hey, hey.
Don't touch my paper, boy.

I just want to see
if there's anything

interesting happening
in the world.

Interesting?

It says right here,

young boy
out of Los Angeles

about to lose his hand for
touching his uncle's paper.

Anything interesting in there?

Boris Yelstin's
back in the news.

Would you look at this?

Panties and bras.

Doggone it, Jordan, that's all
you've been doing.

I don't know what's
wrong with you.

All you do is watch women

in their panties
and bras. Freak!

Look at that.

Used to be bugs,
rocks and magic.

Now it's bugs, rocks,
magic and girls.

Oh, sure, Jordan has
had little crushes before,

but what used to be cute
is becoming a situation.

The boy's like
a raging hormone.

Now, I don't want him thinking
about sex yet, America,

because once you start,
you know how it goes.

You never stop.

And he ain't ready for that.

And truth be told, America,
neither am I.

Huh! Bra and panty ads.

At least the boy's resourceful.

Huh! She got on...

(grunting)
(moaning)

Oh! Cool.
Awesome!

What you doing,
Jordan?

Well, since I can't read...

What you mean,
"since you can't read"?

What's "Girls In Bikinis"?

It's beach
volleyball,

and the winners
jump up and down.

Now, wait
a minute.

That girl just missed
a point, man.

She's still jumping.

She's hopping mad.

(video game girl moaning)

What happened with that
game with the machete?

The dismemberment
game.

You told me it
was too violent.

I want you to start
playing it.

Play it.

Hey, baby,
did you buy this boy

this bikini
video stuff?

He in there...

Uh, hey, hey,
Cheryl.

How you doing?

Hey, Bernie.

Oh, funniest
thing happened.

I went to the video
store the other day,

and I saw you on the cover
of the Pootie Tang box.

I mean, I was telling everybody
in the store,

"Hey, I know that guy."

That is funny because
that wasn't me.

Yeah, no, no, I'm pretty
sure that was you.

I'm not going
to argue.

Look...
Hey, honey.

Cheryl has good news.

She's opening up her
own Pilates studio.

Mm-hmm.

Now Cheryl, I think
that's great.

I love what you do
with my wife's body.

Okay, here's
the literature.

Oh, thank you.

Vanessa was
just alerting us

to the plight
of the sea turtle.

Nessa, I told you,

quite bothering people
with that bull, man.

That thing won't give
a flip to save your butt.

Mr. Hanson says they're
going to be endangered.

It's better
than being extinct.

Oh, come on,
Bernie.

We're always on our
kids about not being

involved, and then,
when they are,

we don't
support them.

Here, Vanessa.

I... support
you.

Well,
who supported...

Honey, there's a nice
little surprise

I got for you
in the refrigerator.

In the refrigerator?

Yeah, right there
in the little, um, the bin.

(grunts)

The woman's annoying.

Talking about
I don't support the kid.

The kids were next to living
in a cardboard box.

Thanks to me, the boy got normal
bone density again.

Oh, come on, that's
not what she meant.

Besides, it's not like
I don't find

any of your
friends annoying.

Who of my friends
of you find annoying

besides Jerry Best
when he drinks?

Uh... how about W.B.?

I mean, I love him,
but he's always here.

And he calls me "Wah-wah."

Oh, baby,
"Wah-wah"--

that's a term
of endearment.

So don't
trip, baby.

Hey, what are you doing
with my fashion magazines?

Last thing I need
is these books hanging around

so that boy
can get to them.

They're fashion
magazines.

Come now, Wanda,
come on.

Okay, well, if you are that
concerned about Jordan,

then, sweetheart, maybe you
should give him the talk.

I ain't talking
about nothing.

Well, honey, obviously he's
grown curious about women,

which is perfectly natural.

I'm quite sure
he's got some questions.

I ain't answering
no questions.

That's the problem
right now--

13-year-old
mamas,

14-year-old
daddies,

growing up too
doggone fast.

I ain't having that
up in this house.

I'm not going
to have it.

Last thing I need,
that boy walking around here with some knowledge.

Plus, talk is cheap.
I'm about action.

Now, help me lift
this doggone bed up

so I can hide these
magazines underneath there.

Come on, now.

(moans)

Chillax.

Look at you.

Sit down
right here.

Yeah, you're...

You know, this thing got
you all tense and tight.

Yeah, it do.

Look, you got a knot back here
the size of a peach pit.

You feel it?

JORDAN:
Uncle Bernie?

Ooh, it just
got bigger.

Go on now, Jordan,
I'm busy.

(Jordan laughs)

You guys
are doing it!

Son, just because
you think you know

about certain things,

don't mean you can go
around doing them.

You're too young.

You are definitely
too doggone young.

You ain't ready for that
type of responsibility.

What are you
talking about?

You know what
I'm talking about.

You said that me
and your aunt

was getting
ready to do it,

and, Jordan, I want to know
what you meant by that.

Is this some
kind of trick,

'cause I can go get
the belt right now.

Son, this ain't
no trick.

I'm telling you,
you got a free pass.

Now tell me what
you think you know.

Okay.

First, the man
and the woman

have dinner, right?

But not at
a fast food restaurant--

you know, a fancy one--
with tablecloths

and a waiter
with a towel on his arm.

BERNIE:
Four star.

So, then, the man
orders some wine

and tells the lady
how pretty she looks.

She giggles and feels
his muscles.

That's called "foreplay."

Oh, Lord.

So then, they go back
to his place,

they listen to some
smooth music.

You know, the kind
you listen to

when you think
we're asleep.

What you talking about?
Coltrane cool, boy.

Now he dims the lights,

and this is where things
get interesting.

The lady lays on the bed

and the man
hops on top of her.

And they roll
back and forth, kissing.

And, while this
is going on,

the lady lets the man
see her boobies.

And then their eyes roll
into the back of their head,

then they smoke
a cigarette.

Then they get married,
and that's doing it.

Well, I put that
to bed, Hef.

Well, speaking of
"bed", Bernie,

that's not really
how you have sex.

I know that.

But it's
still great.

See, Jordan may have
some moves down,

but he don't know everything
about the ins and out,

if you know
what I'm saying.

That's great.

And you're okay
with that?

You're doggone
right I'm okay.

His ignorance
is my bliss.

Sexual repression

can lead to all sorts
of hang-ups, Bernie.

Performance anxiety,
nervous tics...

From the looks
of your nephew,

it's going to be an
uphill battle as it is.

Man, that's
cold, Hef.

I never thought you'd say
something like that.

The boy's only
11 years old.

How you want him
to be? Another you?

It's been a good life.

You're supposed to be
backing me with that.

What's up
with this?

All I know there's a little
boy moping around here

because all his friends
are at a party,

that you won't
let him got to.

I'm teaching him
to be an individual.

No. You're
controlling him.

You're damn right.

I control
all three of them.

As long as they live
under this roof,

they live according to
the gospel of Bernie Mac.

You know, the preacher kids
are always the wildest ones.

Damn.

She ain't lying.

America, Tamryn Johnson,

the right Reverend Johnson's
daughter,

gave me my first piece of...

Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.

See, I don't want
my controlling ways

to drive Jordan
into sinful behavior,

but I don't want to stop
controlling him either.

So the trick is,
how do I control him

without him knowing?

This is what
I call a predicament.

See, I got to let him think
that, you know,

I let him go a little bit

and then I'm going
to pull him back,

and I'll pull him back,
I'll pull him, you know?

I'm clever.

My own party?

That's right.
Let me tell you something.

When I was your age,

I invited all
my pals from church,

we'd sit around
listening to music

and play games and eat cake.

It was some good old
wholesome fun, boy.

But you wouldn't even
let me go to David's party.

David's a little bit
too old for you.

You'll have a party
of your own-- kids your own age.

Unless you don't want it.

No, no, I want it.

Thanks, Uncle Bernie.

I'm going to go make
an invite list.

Come on,
put some clothes on.

(Vanessa screams)

Guess what,
Vanessa!

I'm having
a party!

Get out of here,
you naked freak.

(chuckling)

Damn.

Help! Help! Gee.

Hey, Bernie.

Let me get one
of those for you.

Thank you, uh,
Cheryl.

Oh, by the way,
I rented Pootie Tang.

You were right.
It's not you.

What the hell's
she doing...?

Stop.

Okay, I told Cheryl
about Jordan's party

and, honey, she
was kind enough

to come over
and help.

Be nice.

Women.

And Bernie lost ten pounds
on the all-meat diet.

Oh. I'd hate to
see your colon.

Don't worry about it.
You never will.

Uh, honey, are we using
that piñata again?

Sure is. I'm recycling.

Don't you think

that's a little young
for these kids?

Yup. Excuse me.

All right, you squares.
Come on, let's gather around.

Hurry up.
Everybody in here.

Just hold down
on the speaking.

Come on.
Come on, now.

Let's put on
some B2K.

Yeah, let's get
our groove on.

Hold on. Ain't nobody
getting no groove on,

and B2K ain't got nothing
on this piñata.

(speaking Spanish
gibberish)

(gibberish continues)

And how many...?

W.B.:
Wah-wah!

Hilarious, Bernie.

Brought some
more ice.

Oh, thanks.

This is Bernie's
friend, W.B.

W.B., meet
my friend Cheryl.

Hey.

Oh, yeah...
Pilates.

Heard
about you.

Whoo! Boy, you
just missed it.

We're having a ball
up in here, aren't we?

Uncle Bernie,
I don't think

anybody's really
having a good time.

Because no one
broke the ass.

Once you break that ass
and that candy spill out,

like a new holiday
up in here.

Lower. Lower.

Ooh! A little
higher. Higher.

Higher.
Lower.

David's party
was better.

Come on.

Look, I'm just saying,

the Getty Museum
is inaccessible.

You've got to
find parking, take that tram.

Are you kidding me?

Where else can you
see the Brueghels?

Not to mention
Van Gogh's Irises.

Oh, they got jacked
on the Irises.

Jacked?

78 mill for that?

And it's still inaccessible.

You want the Dutch Masters,
you got to check out the LACMA.

You roll in,
peep them Rubens, and you're out.

You ain't never lied.

(excited shouting)

Hey, what's everyone
doing in here?

We're playing a game we learned
at David's party.

Cool.

Okay, I'm going to spin it.

You got to do this.

(giggling and shouting)

You got to do this.

(chuckles)

Hey, I remember
these parties, man.

I remember the games
we used to play, too.

Spin the bottle,
truth or dare, dentist...

You mean
doctor.

No, dentist.

I had this fine, little
Asian hygienist-- Ming Lee.

Oh, sixth grade--
easily pass for seventh.

Okay...

Ain't nothing like that
happening up in here.

This ain't one of your
little bottle-spinning orgies.

This party is rated "G."

And the Mac man got it
cold under control.

Am I right, baby?

...16, 17, 18, 19, 20...

A new record. 20 seconds!
KIDS: Whoa!

Yeah!

Let's see how long
you last.

Jennifer.

Have fun.

One, two,
three...

This is getting
out of hand.

I ain't playing.
I don't care.

I don't have to.

Shh!

...six, seven...

That's it?

Seven seconds?

What was that about?

Don't ask.

Okay, Chrissy,
it's your turn, Chrissy.

ALL:
Ooh!

Have fun, Chrissy.

Jordan's gonna
kiss Chrissy.

Oh, Jordan, you can
break the record!

ALL:
Ooh!

("Love's Theme" play's)

(whimpers)

Oh, my God...

(muffled):
Jordan, can you...?

Jordan! Jordan!

Ah! I didn't pass out.

What are you doing
to my jacket?

I can't get it off.

I won't tell
if you won't tell.

Deal.

Thanks.

And so your plan
is to what?

Govern every
action the boy takes

for the next
seven years?

Well, I'm
going to tell you...

Uncle Bernie, Jordan's
in our room

playing games with his friends,
and he won't let me in.

In his room?

Hold on.
Excuse me a moment.

No one's lasted
more than 30 seconds.

I'm telling you, something
awful has happened.

I'm going in.

I'm definitely

not playing.

It's up to me, and I say no.

Oh, my gosh!

Geez!

Unbelievable.

BERNIE:
Hey.

What y'all doing in here?

The party's
in the next room.

Come on.
We're about to have cake.

I got a cookie puss.

Come on, let's go.

Pop go the weasel

till the weasel go pop.

(horn blaring)

I don't mean to toot
my own horn, America,

but Bernie Mac's a genius.

Boy, the party
was a rousing success.

You should have seen the smile
on that boy's face

when I put him to bed.

Grinning from ear to ear
like a happy idiot.

And, on top of it,
I still haven't had the talk.

No, I ain't had the talk
with him yet,

and I don't think I never will.

Let his wife explain it to him.

And I'll get away with that,
too.

You know why, America?

(horn blaring)

I'm a genius.

♪ Told you I didn't have
to have that talk ♪

♪ Told you I didn't
have to have that talk ♪

♪ Told you I didn't have
to have that talk... ♪

Hey, Jordan.

Everyone's talking
about you and Chrissy.

They are? What about?

About how you guys got
busy in the closet.

Listen, she's best friends
with Amanda Warren.

Put in a good word,

and maybe we can all go
to the mall on Saturday.

Hey, Jordan. Great party.

Hey, have you guys
seen Chrissy?

You mean
your girlfriend?

She went home.

She threw up on the bus

all over
Adam Nazar's leg.

It was
pretty nasty.

Did she say anything
about the closet?

(both giggling)

Excuse us.

We've got business
to discuss.

Take my lunch money.
Don't hurt me.

Forget that.

Rumor has it you got down
with Chrissy Vorsick.

How far
did you get?

I'm not really sure.

I think it was just a kiss.

You're not sure?

Well, I was going
to ask her this morning,

but she threw up on the bus.

Sounds like morning
sickness, dude.

Dude, you got
her pregnant.

No, I didn't.

She got morning
sickness, right?

That's what Andy said.

So she must
be pregnant.

Oh!
Bummer.

Uncle Bernie's going
to kill me.

I don't know how such little
kids make so much garbage.

There was 22
of them.

Is that all?

(chuckling)

Sorry.

Uh, we got so caught up, we
forgot to ring the doorbell.

Uh, well... when
did this happen?

Uh, this morning.
At the Getty Center.

But you hate
the Getty Center.

She invited me, dawg.

I was going to prove,
once and for all,

that the Getty is better
than the LACMA.

I'm still an LACMA man.

But the trams weren't as bad
as I remembered, man.

One thing led to another...

(chuckling)

Now we can
double date.

We just, you know,
wanted to stop by

and tell you
the good news.

Yeah, that is good news.

Hey, we should
find a weekend, man.

Cheryl has a condo
up in Mammoth.

Mm?

Mm-hmm. Oh,
it'd be so much fun.

Uh, could you take
these to the curb?

Hi, Mrs. Vorsick.
Is Chrissy here?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Jordan,

but she's sleeping.

She's got
quite a bug.

Has she been throwing
up in the morning?

Oh, my goodness,
yes.

She's a regular
volcano, that one.

Then you have to let me in.

Jordan, I told you,
she's sleeping.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Vorsick,
but I have to be with her now.

That's my baby she's carrying.

Don't worry,
though.

My Uncle Bernie's very rich,
and we have plenty of room.

Baby?!

(chuckles)

No, I ain't laughing.

I should let Jordan
walk around here

thinking he got
that girl pregnant.

Oh, that
sounds crazy.

It might be crazy.

Baby, he's
ungrateful.

I'm throwing him
a party, and what he doing?

He in the closet
playing nasty games.

Well, you know, the closet
is not the issue, okay?

He's walking around
here terrified,

and it's kind
of your fault.

How's it my fault?

For not wanting
to give him the talk.

How is it
my fault?

How in the hell
is it my fault?

Because you didn't
listen to me.

Oh...

Don't you think I know what I'm
talking about by now?

Hef, I know you know
what you talking about,

but I don't want
that for the boy.

Do you understand what
I'm trying to tell you?

I know he's going
to become a man

but, now that he's
becoming a man,

I want him to stay
a little boy.

Mm-hmm. But he's not
Peter Pan, Bernie.

Little boys do
grow up to be men.

Now I think you need
to sit him down

and have the talk.

Guess I got
no choice.

Good.

And, when you're done,

you'll find me
in the Grotto.

Yeah, okay.

America... okay.

But she is pregnant.

She is not, man.
I guarantee she's not.

But how do you know?

Because I'm going
to explain it to you.

I'm going to tell you
like it 't-i-is.

Like what "t-i-is"?

Sex, boy. Sex.

You're going
to tell me about sex?

What the heck you think
I'm talking about, Jordan?

Now, you sure
you really want to know?

Because, once I start,
ain't no turning back.

I want to know everything.

All right, here we go.

See, you got this man
and you got this woman.

You do that?

With Aunt Wanda?

Ew!

Well, it's not that bad,
really.

Nasty.

I'm going
to go throw up.

I'm never going
to do that.

Ew!!
Whew!

(retching)

Thank you.

You see that?

America, I guess I had less
to worry about than I thought.

Jordan's still
a little boy, after all,

and I'm going to enjoy it
for as long as I can,

because the attitude in there,
it ain't going to last.

It never does.

See, time goes so fast,
and before you know it,

I'll be having that conversation
with Baby Girl.

Damn.

I feel good about
myself now, baby.

Matter of fact,
I'll take that drink.

(chuckling)

Thank you, baby.

Right on, sweetie.
You know.

What you
looking at, Hef?

I'm a grown man.

Tweedley-Dee,
Tweedley-Dum--

cut off the lights
and come get you some.

Cut off the lights,
America.

You don't need
to know everything.

(laughter)

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