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1
00:00:19,945 --> 00:00:21,505
Hey, Jordan.
2
00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:24,768
Come on, let's go.
3
00:00:24,841 --> 00:00:25,831
Where your books at?
4
00:00:25,909 --> 00:00:27,429
No homework.
No school tomorrow.
5
00:00:27,511 --> 00:00:30,101
It's Take Your Child
to Work Day. Remember?
6
00:00:30,180 --> 00:00:32,030
I get to spend
the whole day with you.
7
00:00:34,184 --> 00:00:37,544
The students will
deliver an oral presentation
8
00:00:37,613 --> 00:00:41,783
about everything
they learn, which will be graded.
9
00:00:41,858 --> 00:00:43,418
Okay, Father, that's fine,
10
00:00:43,127 --> 00:00:45,837
but some of us parents
don't have no formal office.
11
00:00:45,913 --> 00:00:49,373
Well, Mr. Mac, perhaps you could
take your boy to the set
12
00:00:49,449 --> 00:00:51,459
of one of your Hollywood movies
13
00:00:51,535 --> 00:00:54,205
that celebrate
Sodom and Gomorrah.
14
00:00:54,287 --> 00:00:56,507
Or maybe you
could teach him
15
00:00:56,581 --> 00:01:01,341
one of your expletive-filled
"comedy" routines.
16
00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:04,143
Aw, you're crackin' but fackin'.
17
00:01:04,214 --> 00:01:05,364
Bull's-eye.
18
00:01:07,050 --> 00:01:10,230
America, you heard him insult
my profession.
19
00:01:10,303 --> 00:01:12,653
I didn't insult his profession.
20
00:01:12,722 --> 00:01:15,732
America, it's supposed to be
Take Your Child to Work Day.
21
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:16,889
That ain't right.
22
00:01:16,969 --> 00:01:18,699
I take my child
to their workday,
23
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:21,459
and now they're trying
to pass the buck on me.
24
00:01:21,532 --> 00:01:25,952
Oh, it's shameful...
just damn shameful.
25
00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:29,791
No. N-O. No.
26
00:01:29,865 --> 00:01:31,155
Oh, come on, sweetheart.
27
00:01:31,241 --> 00:01:32,751
At least, you know,
you got your own office.
28
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,840
(laughs):
I cannot take Jordan back to my office this soon.
29
00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:37,796
Why?
No, not after last time.
30
00:01:37,873 --> 00:01:38,913
Are you kidding me?
31
00:01:38,991 --> 00:01:41,231
The VP of marketing
handed out a report
32
00:01:41,301 --> 00:01:43,801
with a colored Xerox copy of
Jordan's rear end on the cover.
33
00:01:43,879 --> 00:01:45,659
(laughs)
Oh, that's funny?
34
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:48,009
Uh-huh.
Now his photo is at the security desk right next to
35
00:01:48,091 --> 00:01:49,861
who tried to cut Sheila's face
in Accounting.
36
00:01:49,935 --> 00:01:52,435
No, sir. He's all yours.
37
00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:53,772
Please?
38
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,487
(scoffs)
39
00:02:11,957 --> 00:02:14,837
Another banana nut.
40
00:02:19,414 --> 00:02:21,564
Mmm.
41
00:02:29,799 --> 00:02:32,099
You don't work, do you?
42
00:02:32,177 --> 00:02:34,097
Watch your mouth, boy.
43
00:02:34,179 --> 00:02:37,019
My "don't work" managed to take
care of everybody in this house.
44
00:02:37,098 --> 00:02:39,688
(doorbell rings)
45
00:02:39,768 --> 00:02:44,028
Better yet... I got
a business meeting right now.
46
00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:47,039
(grunts)
47
00:02:47,117 --> 00:02:51,327
I'll give you two reds.
I'll give you two reds.
48
00:02:51,404 --> 00:02:52,774
What are they going to do,
big fella?
49
00:02:52,848 --> 00:02:54,958
They offered to give
me a new partner.
50
00:02:55,033 --> 00:02:57,253
New partner.
Partner.
51
00:02:57,327 --> 00:02:59,287
Throw it in
there, partner.
52
00:02:59,305 --> 00:03:00,955
Partner.
New partner, baby.
53
00:03:01,039 --> 00:03:02,669
Hey, man, listen, man,
you know, man,
54
00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:05,009
Jordan had the nerve to tell me
that don't none of us work.
55
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:06,295
What?
56
00:03:06,378 --> 00:03:07,268
Yeah, hey, man,
gi-gi-gi-give me two.
57
00:03:07,346 --> 00:03:09,636
Hey, my wife works.
58
00:03:09,714 --> 00:03:12,564
I'm saying, and I...
and I called in sick.
59
00:03:12,634 --> 00:03:15,774
Hey, man... you
don't look sick.
60
00:03:15,845 --> 00:03:18,095
I said I "called in" sick.
61
00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:19,185
He don't listen.
He don't listen.
62
00:03:19,266 --> 00:03:20,686
You know what?
63
00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:21,727
I'm working.
I'm working, really.
64
00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:23,780
This here, guys,
is client relations.
65
00:03:23,853 --> 00:03:25,033
Really. This is business.
66
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:27,565
All my losses
are business deductions.
67
00:03:27,649 --> 00:03:29,569
Yeah. And, by the look
on your face right now,
68
00:03:29,651 --> 00:03:31,281
you better get it off
your face, because I'll tell you right now,
69
00:03:31,361 --> 00:03:33,141
I don't need the IRS on my ass
for another six years.
70
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,163
You better not say a thing.
I don't want to hear it. Oh, back off.
71
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,530
JERRY:
Watch yourself.
72
00:03:36,608 --> 00:03:38,628
I'm not going to call 'em.
I'm gonna call them now.
73
00:03:38,702 --> 00:03:40,632
Hey, gang, you know
it's just 11:00, man.
74
00:03:40,704 --> 00:03:42,344
I mean, I got four more
hours with that boy.
75
00:03:42,414 --> 00:03:43,724
Oh, man, that's-that's
messed up, partner.
76
00:03:43,799 --> 00:03:45,169
Yeah, partner.
77
00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:46,390
Partner.
78
00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:49,979
Hey, Jerry.
79
00:03:50,055 --> 00:03:51,625
What's up, man?
Listen.
80
00:03:51,707 --> 00:03:53,857
Why don't you take Jordan down
to the office with you, man?
81
00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:56,244
You know, I mean,
just show him around for a little while, man.
82
00:03:56,311 --> 00:03:57,981
I mean, let him see
how you manage business.
83
00:03:58,054 --> 00:03:59,454
Right.
84
00:04:02,442 --> 00:04:04,902
You're kidding me, right?
No. I'm serious.
85
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,682
That's awesome, Bernie.
86
00:04:06,755 --> 00:04:07,995
Would you?
Yeah, sure, absolutely. I'll do it. No problem.
87
00:04:08,073 --> 00:04:10,783
Oh, man, and the business
is over right there, man.
88
00:04:10,859 --> 00:04:13,369
What's up,
what's up?
89
00:04:13,445 --> 00:04:15,075
(all talking over each other)
90
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:16,875
I'm putting in two.
91
00:04:19,868 --> 00:04:21,748
Wow, Jordan, that's
a really good question:
92
00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:23,388
"What is an artist
management company?"
93
00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:25,513
Uh, well, it is a company
94
00:04:25,582 --> 00:04:27,722
that, uh, manages,
you know,
95
00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:30,086
artists-- like actors,
directors, and...
96
00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:31,390
Acrobats?
97
00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,097
No, not-not...
no, not acrobats.
98
00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:36,103
Angela Bassett called to say
thank you for the jukebox.
99
00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:38,726
Right.
I sent your sister an orchid and signed the card,
100
00:04:38,803 --> 00:04:41,103
"If you were born first,
why do I look so much older?"
101
00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:45,111
Right.
And I exchanged the foot massager for this tiny fan.
102
00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:46,775
Thank you, Orlando.
103
00:04:46,853 --> 00:04:49,823
Uh, this is Bernie Mac's
nephew, Jordan.
104
00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:51,818
Nice to meet you.
Orlando's my personal assistant, Jordan.
105
00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,870
Jordan is here today
to learn about our office
106
00:04:53,943 --> 00:04:55,123
for a school project.
107
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:56,535
Oh. Well,
where to begin?
108
00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:58,367
The snack room is just
past the elevators.
109
00:04:58,448 --> 00:05:00,718
The men's room
combination is 222.
110
00:05:00,792 --> 00:05:02,232
Just think, 'Not
two complicated.'
111
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,502
And today is the first day
of principal photography
112
00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:05,633
on Renee Zellweger's
new movie.
113
00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:07,375
We're sending
her a jukebox.
114
00:05:07,457 --> 00:05:08,807
Thank you very much.
115
00:05:08,884 --> 00:05:10,074
You know, Jordan,
when I was your age,
116
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,233
that's when I first decided
I wanted to be a manager.
117
00:05:12,304 --> 00:05:13,644
How old are you now?
118
00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:15,433
How old am...?
Oh, isn't that cute?
119
00:05:15,507 --> 00:05:17,647
You're going to write it down.
I'm 28.
120
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:21,140
Jerry Best's office.
This is Jordan.
121
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:23,151
How may I help you?
122
00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:24,613
Rick Moranis?
123
00:05:24,682 --> 00:05:25,952
Uh, mmm...
124
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:28,946
I'm sorry. Mr. Best's having
knee surgery right now.
125
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,569
I will.
126
00:05:30,647 --> 00:05:33,497
And so the student
becomes the master.
127
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:36,581
Hey, what's up, porcupine?
Come on, let's go.
128
00:05:36,653 --> 00:05:38,163
How you doing, man?
Good.
129
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:39,458
Excuse me.
130
00:05:39,539 --> 00:05:40,499
May I help you?
Yes, I'm here
131
00:05:40,573 --> 00:05:41,473
for the commercial audition.
132
00:05:41,541 --> 00:05:42,921
Which commercial?
133
00:05:42,992 --> 00:05:45,132
Malvert's Department Store.
Malvert's?
134
00:05:45,203 --> 00:05:46,893
I love Malvert's.
135
00:05:46,964 --> 00:05:50,344
They're the only store
that still sells child clip-on ties.
136
00:05:50,351 --> 00:05:52,851
Oh, it's for school.
He wears a uniform.
137
00:05:54,129 --> 00:05:56,469
But wait, are
they getting a new Magic Malvert?
138
00:05:56,548 --> 00:05:58,138
Apparently, because...
139
00:05:58,150 --> 00:06:00,850
BOTH:
"At Malvert's, we make high prices disappear."
140
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,391
Come on, come on.
141
00:06:02,470 --> 00:06:04,020
But that's not how
magicians say it.
142
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:07,107
I mean, no offense, but
magicians usually have a cape.
143
00:06:07,183 --> 00:06:08,783
What about your jacket?
144
00:06:08,860 --> 00:06:11,110
And magicians
need a flourish.
145
00:06:11,187 --> 00:06:12,657
Here, watch this.
146
00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:17,039
At Malvert's, we make
high prices... disappear.
147
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,115
Bernie Mac?
Hey, my man.
148
00:06:20,196 --> 00:06:22,036
Louie Malvert.
149
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,615
Oh, hey, hey,
how you doing, sir?
150
00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:24,920
So, the king of comedy
151
00:06:24,993 --> 00:06:29,053
meets the king
of instant designer knock-offs.
152
00:06:29,131 --> 00:06:31,551
That was my nickname
in the '70s.
153
00:06:31,624 --> 00:06:33,934
Oh, okay.
Oh, there's no reason you should know that.
154
00:06:34,002 --> 00:06:36,222
Uh-uh.
I'm a huge fan.
155
00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:37,750
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
156
00:06:37,822 --> 00:06:39,722
So, uh, is this
little fella a client of the agency?
157
00:06:39,799 --> 00:06:41,349
No, this fella here--
this is my nephew.
158
00:06:41,426 --> 00:06:43,026
He's here
on a school project.
159
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,323
Well, we were thinking
160
00:06:44,396 --> 00:06:46,656
he might want to try out
for Magic Malvert.
161
00:06:46,731 --> 00:06:49,531
What? Me?
Magic Malvert?
162
00:06:49,609 --> 00:06:52,329
Oh, my God, I'm
going to get the best grade in the class.
163
00:06:52,404 --> 00:06:54,924
It's all thanks to you.
164
00:06:58,610 --> 00:07:00,630
Chill out, son. Chill out.
165
00:07:08,077 --> 00:07:10,037
Hey, handsome,
how was your day at the office?
166
00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,205
Great. Guess what.
167
00:07:11,289 --> 00:07:12,729
I got my first
commercial.
168
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:15,767
My call time's
at 7:00 tomorrow morning in Alhambra.
169
00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:24,942
What?
170
00:07:29,265 --> 00:07:30,265
Baby, the boy is so excited.
171
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:31,440
I mean, he called
half his class
172
00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:34,282
from the car
on the way home.
173
00:07:34,354 --> 00:07:35,624
Well, you know,
174
00:07:35,697 --> 00:07:37,357
I-I don't think
Jordan should do this, honey.
175
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,700
He's young, you know,
and show business
176
00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:41,910
is full of disappointments
and rejection.
177
00:07:41,986 --> 00:07:43,186
Why? The boy already
got the job.
178
00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:45,413
Mr. Malvert made the
final decision himself.
179
00:07:45,490 --> 00:07:48,180
Plus, it'll give him
a good work ethic-- help him save a little.
180
00:07:49,994 --> 00:07:52,224
Well, does he have
to miss school?
181
00:07:52,297 --> 00:07:54,467
They made him
miss school today.
182
00:07:54,549 --> 00:07:56,219
This'll help him
get a good grade.
183
00:07:58,419 --> 00:07:59,549
He did seem excited.
184
00:07:59,629 --> 00:08:01,769
He is excited.
Oh, yeah.
185
00:08:01,848 --> 00:08:03,638
Now he's going to help
his sisters get a job
186
00:08:03,716 --> 00:08:05,476
selling shoes or
laying concrete--
187
00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:08,346
help them start
paying their way.
188
00:08:08,429 --> 00:08:09,769
Since I'm
in show business now,
189
00:08:09,847 --> 00:08:12,687
I don't have time
for my personal affairs.
190
00:08:12,767 --> 00:08:14,067
That's where you come in.
191
00:08:14,143 --> 00:08:16,573
As my personal assistant,
you'll be my ambassador
192
00:08:16,646 --> 00:08:18,696
to the world.
What?
193
00:08:18,773 --> 00:08:20,413
I'll pay you a quarter a day.
194
00:08:20,483 --> 00:08:21,963
A quarter a day?
195
00:08:23,194 --> 00:08:26,254
But I need someone
I can trust completely.
196
00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:27,796
You can trust me.
197
00:08:27,874 --> 00:08:30,974
I hear you, but I also know you
happen to be an excellent liar.
198
00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:35,339
But it may be helpful for me
to have an excellent liar
199
00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:36,755
on staff.
200
00:08:36,833 --> 00:08:38,763
Orlando says all
the best personal assistants
201
00:08:38,835 --> 00:08:40,305
are excellent liars.
202
00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:41,557
Stars expect that.
203
00:08:41,638 --> 00:08:42,648
I love lying.
204
00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:44,032
Okay, let's
try it out.
205
00:08:43,941 --> 00:08:45,721
Aunt Wanda comes home
and asks you to get me
206
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,980
so I can try on
some new school clothes.
207
00:08:50,013 --> 00:08:53,063
Jordan can't right now,
because he's taking a poo.
208
00:08:53,141 --> 00:08:55,741
Perfect.
209
00:08:59,689 --> 00:09:02,039
I thought Aunt Wanda
asked Jordan to mop.
210
00:09:02,117 --> 00:09:03,617
She did.
211
00:09:03,693 --> 00:09:06,203
Jordan's paying me to be
his personal assistant.
212
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,709
(scoffs):
I can't believe he would use you to...
213
00:09:08,781 --> 00:09:11,001
Wait, how much
is he paying you?
214
00:09:11,075 --> 00:09:12,535
A quarter a day.
215
00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:16,179
What if I gave you 35 cents
a day?
216
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:18,006
Would I have to give up
my Jordan job?
217
00:09:18,082 --> 00:09:19,682
Hey, as long as you haul
the newspapers
218
00:09:19,759 --> 00:09:21,219
out to the recycling bin
by 6:00,
219
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,434
you can spend the rest
of the day on the roof
220
00:09:23,504 --> 00:09:24,804
as far as I care.
221
00:09:24,881 --> 00:09:27,221
Yes!
222
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,140
But let's not mention it
to Uncle Bernie or Aunt Wanda.
223
00:09:29,218 --> 00:09:30,568
They might not think
224
00:09:30,645 --> 00:09:31,975
it's appropriate
for a seven-year-old
225
00:09:31,989 --> 00:09:34,359
to be making that much money.
226
00:09:34,366 --> 00:09:35,936
Don't worry.
I won't say a thing.
227
00:09:36,017 --> 00:09:38,987
Jordan said
I'm an excellent liar.
228
00:09:39,062 --> 00:09:40,952
Good.
229
00:09:42,899 --> 00:09:46,209
MAN:
Malvert's Department Store commercial, take 12.
230
00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:47,736
Action.
231
00:09:47,813 --> 00:09:53,083
Because at Malvert's, we make
high prices... disappear.
232
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:54,419
(sighs)
233
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:55,844
Still rolling.
234
00:09:55,912 --> 00:09:57,712
Again.
Still rolling people.
235
00:09:57,723 --> 00:09:59,683
Ten percent less
whirl, Jordan.
236
00:10:00,583 --> 00:10:03,013
Gotcha.
237
00:10:03,086 --> 00:10:06,506
And... go.
238
00:10:06,589 --> 00:10:11,519
Because at Malvert's, we make
high prices... disappear.
239
00:10:11,594 --> 00:10:15,324
Okay. Okay.
240
00:10:17,475 --> 00:10:18,855
90% less whirl.
241
00:10:18,935 --> 00:10:21,065
But... then there's no whirl.
242
00:10:21,145 --> 00:10:22,355
Cut!
243
00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:23,702
You know what?
244
00:10:23,773 --> 00:10:25,573
We are on break.
245
00:10:25,650 --> 00:10:27,460
Oh, okay. Uh... B?
246
00:10:29,696 --> 00:10:31,076
Uh... listen.
247
00:10:31,155 --> 00:10:33,365
This is the hardest part
of my job as a manager.
248
00:10:33,449 --> 00:10:34,579
What is?
249
00:10:34,659 --> 00:10:35,939
Telling my client
250
00:10:36,019 --> 00:10:37,589
to tell his nephew
that he's fired.
251
00:10:37,662 --> 00:10:38,752
What?
Yeah, Bernie, old man Malvert
252
00:10:38,830 --> 00:10:39,960
has lost faith in Jordan.
253
00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:41,959
He says that
he's more, uh...
254
00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:44,131
spastic than he remembers.
255
00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:46,050
Come on, Jerry, there's got
to be something we can do.
256
00:10:46,129 --> 00:10:47,509
What am I
supposed to do?
257
00:10:47,588 --> 00:10:49,138
I have tried
everything.
258
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,359
I ain't tried.
259
00:10:50,433 --> 00:10:51,783
(clears throat)
260
00:10:51,851 --> 00:10:53,901
Hi, um, Mr. Malvert.
Yeah.
261
00:10:53,978 --> 00:10:55,448
Listen, if you fire
that little boy,
262
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:58,312
I'm telling you, you're just
going to break his little heart.
263
00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:00,321
Well, I'm sorry,
Mr. Mac.
264
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:02,113
Look, Mr. Malvert, maybe
there's something I can do,
265
00:11:02,186 --> 00:11:05,356
like... help him with his lines
or... with his whirl
266
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:06,700
or something like that.
267
00:11:06,774 --> 00:11:08,204
Well, I suppose
there is one thing.
268
00:11:08,276 --> 00:11:09,576
Good. Name it.
269
00:11:09,661 --> 00:11:11,121
You got it. You got it.
270
00:11:11,195 --> 00:11:13,295
I will keep the boy
on the commercial... Good.
271
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,303
if you do it with him.
272
00:11:16,659 --> 00:11:17,919
W-Wow. Um, listen, man,
273
00:11:17,994 --> 00:11:21,254
I mean, me and the boy
do this commercial together?
274
00:11:21,330 --> 00:11:22,680
Yeah.
275
00:11:22,757 --> 00:11:25,377
JORDAN:
The two of us.
276
00:11:25,460 --> 00:11:27,890
We're gonna be
in the commercial together?
277
00:11:27,962 --> 00:11:31,512
This may be the single
best day of my life.
278
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:32,851
Even better
than the time
279
00:11:32,925 --> 00:11:34,775
they revived me in the park.
280
00:11:39,390 --> 00:11:44,240
DIRECTOR: Malvert's
Department Store commercial. Take 17. Action!
281
00:11:44,312 --> 00:11:46,492
Why they call you
Magic Malvert?
282
00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:49,948
Because, at Malvert's...
283
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,080
we make high prices
disappear.
284
00:11:52,153 --> 00:11:53,703
DIRECTOR:
S-Still rolling.
285
00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:55,040
Uh... that was
good, Mr. Mac.
286
00:11:55,114 --> 00:11:56,314
That was very,
very good.
287
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,962
Um, except this time,
I'd like you to add
288
00:11:59,035 --> 00:12:00,955
a little more, um,
hail-fellow-well-met.
289
00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:02,421
What?
All right?
290
00:12:02,497 --> 00:12:04,337
And... go.
291
00:12:04,415 --> 00:12:06,295
So, why do they call
you Magic Malvert?
292
00:12:06,375 --> 00:12:08,965
Because, at Malvert's...
293
00:12:09,045 --> 00:12:11,795
we make high prices
disappear!
294
00:12:11,881 --> 00:12:14,931
Mmm. Yes. Ten percent
more hail-fellow.
295
00:12:15,009 --> 00:12:16,979
Ten percent people.
Ten percent.
296
00:12:17,053 --> 00:12:19,733
America, if I let the boy
stay at home with me,
297
00:12:19,806 --> 00:12:21,186
none of this would've happened.
298
00:12:21,265 --> 00:12:23,235
But no. I passed the
buck to Jerry.
299
00:12:23,318 --> 00:12:26,318
I'm no better than those
Catholic school teachers.
300
00:12:26,395 --> 00:12:29,315
And now look at me
wearing this crazy outfit
301
00:12:29,398 --> 00:12:32,068
like one of those Catholic
school students.
302
00:12:32,151 --> 00:12:34,991
This cape don't breathe.
303
00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:38,035
Look at this. Fortune teller.
304
00:12:38,115 --> 00:12:40,255
Quiet. Here it comes.
305
00:12:44,455 --> 00:12:46,165
MAN (on TV):Why do they call youMagic Malvert?
306
00:12:46,249 --> 00:12:49,889
BERNIE:Because, at Malvert's...
307
00:12:49,969 --> 00:12:52,389
we make high prices disappear.
308
00:12:52,463 --> 00:12:55,263
MAN (on TV):Nine locations across theSouthland.
309
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,015
Ooh, honey, they
cut his part.
310
00:12:57,093 --> 00:13:01,903
I see that.
What? You stole my commercial!
311
00:13:01,973 --> 00:13:03,623
I'm firing Jerry Best!
312
00:13:05,935 --> 00:13:08,355
No. No.
313
00:13:08,437 --> 00:13:10,207
No, no, no.
314
00:13:15,486 --> 00:13:17,906
Billy called to say,
"You're a liar."
315
00:13:17,989 --> 00:13:18,949
(Jordan groans)
316
00:13:19,024 --> 00:13:21,214
And Jackie,
from the fifth grade,
317
00:13:21,284 --> 00:13:23,254
she called just to laugh at you,
318
00:13:23,327 --> 00:13:26,427
but I told her,
"We will return."
319
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:27,956
(Jordan groans)
320
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,220
Anything else?
321
00:13:29,292 --> 00:13:31,062
No. I'm too depressed.
322
00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,726
Hey, Jordan.
323
00:13:42,805 --> 00:13:45,105
There's other people need to
use the washroom, too, you know.
324
00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:46,696
You have your
own bathroom.
325
00:13:46,776 --> 00:13:48,946
Oh, you have to steal
my bathroom, too.
326
00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:51,448
Ste...? Now you listen up.
327
00:13:51,522 --> 00:13:53,122
I'm not asking you,
I'm telling you:
328
00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:54,619
Unlock this door.
329
00:13:54,692 --> 00:13:58,492
Oh, why don't you just
make the lock disappear?
330
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:01,941
I'll whup him up.
331
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,665
Hey, little mama.
What are you still doing up?
332
00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:10,337
Just two more pots to go.
333
00:14:10,416 --> 00:14:13,756
Isn't it Vanessa's week
to do the dishes?
334
00:14:13,836 --> 00:14:17,016
Nope. Uh... I traded
my ice cream sandwich
335
00:14:17,098 --> 00:14:18,978
just to scrub her pots.
336
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:27,935
(chuckles nervously):
Oh. Hey, Aunt Wanda.
337
00:14:28,017 --> 00:14:28,867
Didn't see you there.
338
00:14:28,943 --> 00:14:30,233
Obviously.
339
00:14:30,311 --> 00:14:31,691
I was just thinking
how unusual it is
340
00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:33,161
that your little sister
341
00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:35,239
would give up
her ice cream sandwich
342
00:14:35,316 --> 00:14:37,366
so she could wash
your pots and pans.
343
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:39,453
She said she traded
her ice cream sandwich
344
00:14:39,528 --> 00:14:41,158
just to scrub pots and pans?
345
00:14:41,238 --> 00:14:42,578
Mmm.
346
00:14:42,657 --> 00:14:44,457
You are a terrible liar.
347
00:14:44,533 --> 00:14:47,593
Okay, look,
Jordan had already hired her
348
00:14:47,670 --> 00:14:50,050
to be his personal assistant,
349
00:14:50,122 --> 00:14:53,052
so I decided
to let her be my assistant, too.
350
00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:55,085
Hmm.
She pays me.
351
00:14:55,169 --> 00:14:56,839
She does, does she?
352
00:14:56,921 --> 00:14:59,011
Sweetie, do you know
how much allowance
353
00:14:59,090 --> 00:15:01,810
your Uncle Bernie and I
pay your sister
354
00:15:01,884 --> 00:15:04,484
in exchange
for her doing her chores?
355
00:15:04,553 --> 00:15:05,983
75 cents?
356
00:15:06,055 --> 00:15:06,975
Uh-uh.
357
00:15:07,056 --> 00:15:08,396
A hundred cents?
358
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,608
$20.
359
00:15:10,685 --> 00:15:13,105
See, that would
be 2,000 cents.
360
00:15:13,187 --> 00:15:15,197
And how much
does she pay you?
361
00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,986
35 cents!
362
00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:19,367
Ow!
363
00:15:19,443 --> 00:15:20,673
Aunt Wanda.
364
00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:22,865
Oh, you lucky I don't kick you
in your other leg.
365
00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:24,711
Next week,
you'll be doing Bryana's chores.
366
00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:26,096
But don't worry, see?
367
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,749
We're going to pay you
Bryana's allowance.
368
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:29,217
And Bryana, next week,
369
00:15:29,295 --> 00:15:30,995
you'll be getting
Vanessa's allowance.
370
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:36,020
I like hospital
corners on my bed.
371
00:15:39,171 --> 00:15:43,221
Uncle Bernie,
your commercial's on again!
372
00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:45,354
Because, at Malvert's...
373
00:15:45,428 --> 00:15:48,858
we make high prices disappear.
374
00:15:51,434 --> 00:15:52,694
I don't know.
375
00:15:52,768 --> 00:15:54,868
That wasn't so bad.
376
00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:57,865
Yo, what's up, man?
377
00:15:57,949 --> 00:15:58,859
Randy?
378
00:15:58,941 --> 00:16:00,621
Bernie,
how you doin', man?
379
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:03,043
What you doin', doin' these
crazy commercials, dawg?
380
00:16:03,112 --> 00:16:04,162
What's up with you, man?
381
00:16:04,238 --> 00:16:06,038
I mean, I'm doing
it for the kid, man.
382
00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:08,289
I'm all right. I did
it for the kid, man.
383
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:09,417
I don't know, baby.
384
00:16:09,493 --> 00:16:11,463
It really wasn't kickin'
for me, dawg.
385
00:16:11,537 --> 00:16:12,927
I was, like,
I was not really
386
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,916
quite feeling it
at all, actually.
387
00:16:14,999 --> 00:16:16,879
What?
Paula, what you think, man?
388
00:16:16,959 --> 00:16:18,769
Paula?
389
00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:22,675
Um, well, the camera seems
to love you, your nice eyes.
390
00:16:22,757 --> 00:16:24,767
You have a great smile.
All right.
391
00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:27,476
The tone to your
voice is nice.
392
00:16:27,553 --> 00:16:28,983
So that mean you like it, baby?
393
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:30,769
No, it was horrible.
394
00:16:30,848 --> 00:16:31,808
As a matter of fact,
395
00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:33,271
I'd be embarrassed
if I were you.
396
00:16:33,350 --> 00:16:35,280
Hold on. Wait a minute.
I thought you was the nice one.
397
00:16:35,361 --> 00:16:38,291
You were pitchy, too.
398
00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:39,864
What's "pitchy"?
399
00:16:39,933 --> 00:16:41,573
Actually, dawg,
nobody really knows what "pitchy" mean,
400
00:16:41,650 --> 00:16:43,490
but she's right--
it was horrible.
401
00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:44,869
You know,
y'all got a lot of nerve, man,
402
00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,119
come up here, man,
try to criticize me.
403
00:16:47,198 --> 00:16:49,128
It's bad enough y'all
criticize America.
404
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:51,828
You know, who left
y'all in charge, Randy?
405
00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:53,001
You know,
you got everybody fooled
406
00:16:53,079 --> 00:16:54,509
like you Michael Jackson's
brother.
407
00:16:54,589 --> 00:16:56,549
You took work from Randy.
408
00:16:56,624 --> 00:16:58,344
You know, Paula, you know,
you sitting up there,
409
00:16:58,417 --> 00:17:01,007
you pretty and
everything, you know, but y'all criticize everybody.
410
00:17:01,087 --> 00:17:02,847
You all got all of America,
people fooled.
411
00:17:02,922 --> 00:17:04,652
People scared to sing.
412
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:06,044
(laughing)
You know, you know,
413
00:17:06,117 --> 00:17:07,517
and can't none of y'all
sing and y'all judging.
414
00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:09,693
Ain't that a...?
415
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,102
Let's move on.
416
00:17:12,181 --> 00:17:12,851
MALVERT:
Mr. Mac,
417
00:17:12,924 --> 00:17:14,484
you can't blame me.
418
00:17:14,558 --> 00:17:17,108
When I saw you at the
stage with that boy...
419
00:17:17,186 --> 00:17:19,606
You knew you was gonna
cut Jordan out that commercial
420
00:17:19,688 --> 00:17:20,818
when you first came
and asked me.
421
00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:22,242
That's how confident I was
422
00:17:22,316 --> 00:17:25,696
that you would have the
acting chops to pull it off.
423
00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:27,828
All right,
listen up, old man.
424
00:17:27,905 --> 00:17:30,075
I done Magic Malvert
for the last time.
425
00:17:30,157 --> 00:17:32,627
Ooh, well,
I got a contract that says otherwise.
426
00:17:32,701 --> 00:17:34,461
I'm going on The Tonight Show
day after tomorrow,
427
00:17:34,537 --> 00:17:37,587
and they're always asking me
for some interesting stories.
428
00:17:37,665 --> 00:17:39,795
There's no such thing
as bad publicity.
429
00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:41,839
Oh, but this will be
some badass publicity.
430
00:17:41,919 --> 00:17:43,509
That would be slander.
431
00:17:43,587 --> 00:17:44,757
No.
432
00:17:44,839 --> 00:17:46,729
It'd be a funny story.
433
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:54,187
Listen, Mr. Malvert,
434
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,269
we're both
reasonable men.
435
00:17:56,350 --> 00:17:58,110
Why don't you play
the boy's commercial just once?
436
00:17:58,185 --> 00:17:59,525
Just once.
437
00:17:59,603 --> 00:18:00,653
See, this is
really important
438
00:18:00,729 --> 00:18:02,149
to you,
isn't it, Mr. Mac?
439
00:18:02,231 --> 00:18:05,491
Mr. Malvert,
it means the world to me.
440
00:18:05,568 --> 00:18:07,868
And if you do this for me,
441
00:18:07,945 --> 00:18:11,795
you'll have a friend
in the Mac man for life.
442
00:18:11,874 --> 00:18:14,044
I'll tell you what.
443
00:18:14,118 --> 00:18:14,908
What?
444
00:18:14,986 --> 00:18:16,586
I'll run the commercial...
445
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,206
Thank you.
446
00:18:18,223 --> 00:18:20,973
...if you do the Malvert's
trade show in Cincinnati.
447
00:18:21,050 --> 00:18:22,510
You dirty...
448
00:18:22,585 --> 00:18:23,625
What?
449
00:18:23,711 --> 00:18:24,931
Thought I'd be in Cincinnati?
450
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:29,098
You "cwazy," America.
451
00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:31,515
The boy'll get over
his disappointment.
452
00:18:31,594 --> 00:18:33,024
Shoot.
453
00:18:33,095 --> 00:18:34,185
What?
454
00:18:34,263 --> 00:18:35,743
I did enough.
455
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:38,365
You saw me
do that stupid commercial.
456
00:18:38,442 --> 00:18:39,692
Trying to embarrass me.
457
00:18:39,768 --> 00:18:42,108
Bernie Mac make something
go "Poof."
458
00:18:42,188 --> 00:18:45,108
America, I've been doing
comedy for over 20 years.
459
00:18:45,191 --> 00:18:48,371
I ain't never had to say "Poof"
before in my life.
460
00:18:48,444 --> 00:18:50,884
It's undignified.
461
00:18:54,617 --> 00:18:55,877
FATHER:
Well done, Benjamin.
462
00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:57,255
Robert Blake sadly is
463
00:18:57,336 --> 00:19:00,836
a lucky man to have your
father's legal representation.
464
00:19:00,915 --> 00:19:03,255
Up next, Father,
Jordan Tompkins,
465
00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:05,848
who spent the day with
his Uncle Bernie Mac
466
00:19:05,928 --> 00:19:07,218
and... (clears throat)
467
00:19:07,296 --> 00:19:11,976
his uncle's manager,
Mr. Gerard Best.
468
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:21,227
As you all know,
I filmed a commercial
469
00:19:21,310 --> 00:19:23,280
for Malvert's
department store.
470
00:19:23,354 --> 00:19:26,074
Yeah, right,
and then you made it disappear.
471
00:19:26,148 --> 00:19:28,238
(kids laughing)
You know,
472
00:19:28,251 --> 00:19:29,531
it's a sin to lie.
473
00:19:29,610 --> 00:19:31,040
Um, Sister Eileen,
474
00:19:31,045 --> 00:19:33,325
that means Jordan's
going to hell, right?
475
00:19:33,405 --> 00:19:35,365
(scattered chuckling)
476
00:19:35,449 --> 00:19:36,919
Hey, no one's
going to hell.
477
00:19:36,992 --> 00:19:38,882
Well, now,
that tends to contradict
478
00:19:38,953 --> 00:19:42,053
one of our central positions
of our institution.
479
00:19:42,122 --> 00:19:43,802
Look, Father, if Jordan say
he was in the commercial,
480
00:19:43,874 --> 00:19:45,244
then he was in the commercial.
481
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:48,765
This is the tape they
didn't want you all to see.
482
00:19:53,559 --> 00:19:55,939
JORDAN:Why do they callyou Magic Malvert?
483
00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:57,845
BERNIE:Because, at Malvert's...
484
00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:03,280
we make highprices disappear.
485
00:20:03,352 --> 00:20:06,612
I went back to the production--
I talked to the editor.
486
00:20:06,689 --> 00:20:08,619
They cut you out.
487
00:20:08,699 --> 00:20:09,659
That's right.
488
00:20:09,733 --> 00:20:11,123
They used an innocent child
489
00:20:11,193 --> 00:20:13,203
just to get
to his more famous uncle.
490
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:15,539
And you know what that
conniving trickery is called?
491
00:20:15,614 --> 00:20:17,124
Show business.
492
00:20:17,199 --> 00:20:18,839
It'll chew
up your dreams
493
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:21,128
and spit them out
like... like spit.
494
00:20:21,203 --> 00:20:22,593
Roy.
495
00:20:22,663 --> 00:20:24,353
You think you're going
to be a rap star?
496
00:20:24,423 --> 00:20:25,513
And Allison,
497
00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:26,966
a Broadway dancer?
498
00:20:27,042 --> 00:20:29,972
Just because you got talent?
499
00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:31,349
And Petey,
do you really think the world
500
00:20:31,422 --> 00:20:33,312
will appreciate
your bird whistling talents
501
00:20:33,382 --> 00:20:35,222
as much as I do?
502
00:20:35,301 --> 00:20:37,851
Well, let me
tell you something, children,
503
00:20:37,928 --> 00:20:40,558
stay in school
because show business,
504
00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:42,439
it'll bite you in the booty!
505
00:20:42,516 --> 00:20:43,606
Jordan.
506
00:20:43,684 --> 00:20:45,034
I'll allow it.
507
00:20:45,102 --> 00:20:48,402
'Cause I agree
with the message.
508
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,030
Jordan's right, children.
509
00:20:50,107 --> 00:20:55,617
Show business will bite you
in the booty... hard.
510
00:20:55,696 --> 00:20:58,656
Excellent report, Jordan.
511
00:20:58,675 --> 00:21:00,615
I'm giving you an "A."
512
00:21:00,701 --> 00:21:01,931
Ow.
513
00:21:10,044 --> 00:21:11,474
See that, America?
514
00:21:11,545 --> 00:21:13,255
I do have magical power.
515
00:21:13,339 --> 00:21:17,359
Bernie Mac
made bad feelings disappear.
516
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:25,444
Like what, Bernie,
make him (bleep)?
517
00:21:25,517 --> 00:21:26,937
Stop it.
No, I'm serious.
518
00:21:27,019 --> 00:21:28,359
What if...? I've
tried everything.
519
00:21:28,437 --> 00:21:29,857
Okay? I've
tried everything.
520
00:21:29,938 --> 00:21:31,208
Okay, okay,
let me try something.
521
00:21:32,566 --> 00:21:36,286
-Uh... Mr. Malvert, um...
-Yeah,sonny?
522
00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:40,496
You a rotten son of a (bleep),
you know that? (laughing)
523
00:21:40,574 --> 00:21:41,874
Who the hell do
you think you are,
524
00:21:41,950 --> 00:21:44,380
the King of Comedy?
525
00:21:44,453 --> 00:21:46,553
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
526
00:21:46,603 --> 00:21:51,153
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