All language subtitles for The Bernie Mac Show s03e11 Make Room for Caddy.eng

The American Dream
is to have a house,

get married and have a family.

You know what
the problem with that is?

The person you marry
also has a family.

Then you get in-laws.

I'm not saying nothing,

but father-in-law's birthday...

I ain't saying nothing.

BRYANA:
Uncle Bernie!

Kids still driving me crazy.

Let me go say something,
before I say something.

Hey, what's up?

Oh, uh, we need
pictures of Aunt Wanda

when she was a baby.

We're making a collage
for Grandpa's birthday.

That's a stupid
present.

I got something
way better.

Well...

What the hell...

A box of roaches?

No, they're cuff links.

And they're not roaches,
they're scarab beetles.

Ancient
Egyptian bugs

that crawl in your skin
and eat your brains.

They're valuable.

Wow.

Figure it out.

I'm not saying it's not
a good promotion, Daddy,

I just started thinking,
"If I can run a division

at West Coast Wireless,
I can run my own business."

Yeah, but starting
your own business

is too risky, Wanda.

You should accept
that promotion.

You know what, Lloyd,
that's good advice.

Plus it'd be good,

that promotion would be
real good for you.

And it comes with
a package deal.

Laker tickets, courtside.

It's about
more than

the flash and the
perks, Hollywood.

Wanda needs to think
about her security.

Now you hold up now, Lloyd,
because I am her security.

Do you two realize
that you're agreeing

and fighting
at the same time?

(both men scoff)

You know, it's
like the story

of the ant and
the grasshopper.

Here we go.

See, the ant
spends all summer

storing up food,
preparing himself

for the long, hard
winter ahead.

The grasshopper,
on the other hand,

sits around playing
his fiddle all day.

They didn't have
basketball back then.

Well, I see
the ant is enjoying

the hospitality
of the grasshopper.

Wanda, when you want
to hear some wisdom,

you come find me.

See what I mean
about in-laws, America?

Always trying to put
their two cents in.

You don't see me at their house
telling them

what brand of fiber to use,
or which pair of pants

to pull all the way up
to their bellybutton.

I'll be glad
when they're gone.

Got my house
smelling all funny.

In-laws a trip.

Smell like George Clinton.

Look, Bernie.

I know you've never
gotten along with Daddy,

but do you have to get
into an argument with him

every time he's here?

I promised Mama
I wouldn't say anything...

What's going on?

They're having
money problems.

What?

What type
of money problems?

It's not serious, but
they're cutting back,

which is why they can't get
the new car that they wanted.

(chuckling)

I knew it was something.
I knew it.

The last time
he was here

it was all he was
talking about.

"New Cadillac,
Cadillac.

I'm going to get
a Cadillac."

Yeah, I guess the ant

got to change his
story now, don't he?

Broke ass.

Bernie,
I'm serious.

I need you to do this for me.

I need you to be nice
to my father.

Oh, Wanda, what you
want me to do?

You said it yourself, we
don't get along, baby.

Well why don't you
try this...

Okay, what?

Try being as nice to my father

as you would be to Big Mama.

I used to get along
with Lloyd great

back when I first met Wanda.

But then something happened.

And you need to hear
the whole story,

so let me give you
a little something

from back in the day.

(music plays)

Oh, yeah. You hear that?

Y'all remember that.

(music continues)

...back in the day, when
I had silk drawers on...

(doorbell rings)

MAN:
Coming.

Hey, how's it hanging,
Mr. Thomas?

Hey, Bernard, I thought
it would be you.

And this should be Mississippi.

All right, I almost got
all 50 states.

Wow, man, the last time I saw
a plate against a wall

was when my mama threw it
at my daddy.

(laughing)

Bye, Daddy,
I'm late.

(music plays)

Wanda, don't forget
to stop at the bakery.

You want
a closer look?

What?

The plates-- would you
like a closer look?

Hell, no, Mr. Thomas.
I got to go.

Thank you.

Wow, the story starts off
real nice, doesn't it?

Well, I couldn't see it,

but there was a dark cloud
on the horizon.

You all just be patient,

it'll take a while
for the storm to come,

but when it does, Hurricane
Lloyd is going to wreck shop.

He's a m...

You know the word.

WANDA:
Someone sent me a package?

"Bernard Mac"?

I don't know a Bernard Mac.

You do now.

My people call me Bernie,

but Mac is my title
and my name,

as you'll soon
find out.

You know, you should
have that printed on a card

so you don't have
to embarrass yourself

by saying it out loud.

Ooh, spicy.
I like that.

Come on, now, open
up your present.

You know, I don't
have time for games.

I'm late.

All right,
let me guess.

A fine thing
like yourself,

either a runway model or
you're an actress, huh?

I'll have you know

I am in the executive
training program

at Chicago
Telecom.

There's nothing on my resume
that says "fine thing."

Oh, not yet, America.

See, you won't appreciate

why there's a beef
between me and Lloyd

until you appreciate
what I had to go through

to get Wanda
in the first place.

See, she made
a brother work, too.

But I could tell
my baby was worth it.

Plus, the Mac Man
had plenty of game,

plenty of game.

That's how
we talked back then.

Trust me, America, it worked.

Just keep watching.

Keep watching.

BERNIE:
Wanda Thomas?

Wanda Thomas.

Hey, hey, Wanda,
how you doing?

Girl, you might as well
get an account number

you going to keep receiving all
these packages.

Who are you?

Oh, right here.

Right there.

(chuckles)

"Mac, it's both a name
and a title"?

It is I.

Mind if I keep this
and show my friends?

No, no.

You ought
to take time out,

come see me
perform.

Okay.

Yeah, look.
Check that out.

Uh, this is a train schedule.

Yeah.

I perform on the El.

See, right on
the back here.

I circle my scheduled
times I perform.

You think I'm going
to ride the El train

just to watch you perform?

Baby, I know you're going
to come watch me perform,

because this right
here is undeniable.

Okay, now that's funny
and so is this.

Yeah, funny or not,
like I said,

this right here.

So with that,

Miss Wanda, I'm going
to leave you,

let you do your thing.

So, your exit is where?

Trust your instincts.

All right, now,
last show.

6:30, 6:30 now.

Oh, look at
Mr. Businessman.

How you doing,
baby?

Boy, those some
thick glasses.

Let me ask
a question.

When you look
at a map,

can you see
the people waving?

(laughing)

Huh, man?

I'm just kidding with you.

All right, you squares,

don't forget,
6:30.

Last show, everybody.

I'll be danged.

Girl, I knew
you couldn't resist.

No, I came to tell you
to stop sending me packages

and stop coming
to my job.

There is no... this.

You're not my type.

Oh, I see.

So you came all the way across
town, took two transfers,

just to tell me that
I'm not your type.

Well, see, baby, I'm sorry.

That's this.

Well...

while you're here, like
to stay and watch the show?

You better be
funny.

(crowd oohs)

Who you with?!

It's show time.

You like how I did that,
don't you, America?

Yes, sir.

See, when it's meant to be,
you just know it.

By the way, you and me, America,
yes, sir.

We got this, too.

Don't be bashful.
You can admit it.

Well, not maybe all of you,
but most of us.

America,
you and me, baby, huh?

(doorbell rings)

Wanda, your date is here.

WANDA:
I'll be down in a minute!

They let you work like that?

No, actually, I'm-I'm...

He's here
to take me out.

You're dating
the delivery guy?

Um, actually Mr. Thomas,
I'm a comedian.

Oh, a delivery guy
and a comedian.

Yeah, at night.

Well, I don't know what
I was worried about.

Well...

WANDA:
He's very funny.

Then why haven't I seen
him on Johnny Carson,

or in the movies?

Well, I can explain,
and the reason being

because I perform
on the El in Chicago.

I mean, if you find
a little time, maybe

you want to come
see me perform sometime.

Excellent.

Maybe afterwards

we could catch
a play on a bus.

No, no,
Mr. Thomas.

If you really feel
uncomfortable with that,

maybe you need to come see
me this Friday at Tickles.

Turn this on.
Is it on?

(chuckling)

Yeah, I don't
think it's on.

Thought you all came

to have a good time.

MAN (sarcastically):
Ha-ha.

W-What's up?

What's up?!

Well, look at
this guy's glasses.

Um...

They're so thick you can
look at a map and...

and, um...

see people waving.

(Wanda laughs)

It was a tough
crowd tonight.

Tell me about it.

Um, Wanda, why don't you
go and call the restaurant

and tell them we're going
to be a little early.

Okay, Daddy.

Let's you and I cut
to the chase, Bernard.

I just thought you weren't
good enough for my daughter

when you were
the deliveryman.

But now I'm
sure of it.

You know what, Mr. Thomas?

It ain't what you think.

It's what Wanda think.

Why do you think Wanda
brought me here tonight?

I'm here because she
wanted my approval

before things
went forward.

So, we're all going to
go to dinner now, and...

I'd appreciate it if
this is the last time you see my daughter.

Mr. Thomas...

why don't you tell Wanda
I'm not feeling good.

MAN (over microphone):
Thank you. Thank you. Boy, Chicago,

the windy city.

And today I found out why they
call it the windy city:

Hey, easy on the bratwurst.

(laughs)

America, now
it should be totally clear

why me
and Lloyd don't get along.

Why, there's beef, static,
bad blood,

stains, heat,
all kind of friction.

Oh! But I'm about
to be the bigger man.

Yes, sir.

I'm gonna keep my promise
to my baby

and be nice to her daddy.

He gonna tell me
I'm not good enough?

(chuckles)

Man, he don't want none of it.

He don't want...

His wife was...

Moving on.

So, honey, I'm going
to take my parents

to Long Beach
to see the Queen Mary.

Yeah, I'd better
go pull the car around

if we're gonna beat traffic.

Hold on, now, Lloyd.
I'm not too comfortable

with you driving
that car

all the way
to Long Beach.

It is leaking oil.

Why don't you
take the new car?

What new car?

The new car that
I'm buying you for your birthday.

What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, hold on.

Why are you being so generous
all of a sudden?

Well, Lloyd, it is
your 65th birthday,

and what can you buy a
man who has everything?

Well, it sure beats the hell
out of the tie

you gave me last year.

(laughter)

Honey?
Mm-hmm?

I love what you're doing
for Daddy,

so I'm going
to leave you two alone

so he'll know
that this is your thing.

Plus, I saw a convertible
over there

that looks like
it needs a mama.

Hey... Hey, Lloyd, look at this.

"Antilock brakes, air bag."

Got a clock in the dashboard.

Lloyd, I think
we found your car.

LLOYD:
This car is beautiful.

Man, I'm so glad you like...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, Lloyd, Lloyd.

Come on, now,
this too much car for you.

Oh, I think not,
Son-in-law.

You know I like
to ride in style.

You'll notice
my Seville is top of the line.

It was top of the line
12 years ago, pimp.

The line has moved.

These cars got FM in 'em now.

Oh, come on,
Hollywood.

Oh.

Hey, listen, it
doesn't cost anything

to talk to
a salesman.

Look, this is a gift
for my Grandpa,

so I'm willing to make a deal.

But if you don't need

to make a sale this week,
I'll walk.

Look, kid,
the key chain's $3.50.

You want it or not?

(sighs)

Okay, I'll take it.

Does this have the six-disc
CD changer in dash?

See, hold-hold hold up,
hold on.

This-This one I draw the line.

Lloyd, come on now.

You don't even own six CDs.

You know what, young man?

I'm sorry
to have even bothered you.

Thank you very much.

Bernie, I'm
just going

to hold on to
the Seville,

even though it's
12 years old.

Well, Lloyd, what you mean
by that?

All of a sudden me buying you
a new car ain't good enough?

Well, this just
doesn't feel like me.

You know, I'm not
the type to skimp.

Skimp?!

Lloyd, first of all,

you ought to be grateful

that somebody would want
to buy you a car

with your broke ass.

Broke?

Bernie?

Who the hell
said I was broke?

Grandpa's broke?

Listen, Lloyd...

No, no, you listen.

I can buy my own

damn car.

Lloyd...

Daddy?
Daddy,

wait.

(Wanda sighs)

So, what's your return policy?

America, you saw what happened.

I was provoked,
pushed to the edge.

Here I am buying Lloyd a car,
and he's getting greedy.

Unnecessary stuff
like heated seats, seat belts.

If you want heated seats,
park in the sun.

You want a seat belt,
get you a rope.

And a GPS system?

When he only drives
to the park and back.

He was exploiting
my giving heart, America.

And I ain't gonna stand
for no ... taste.

I ain't gonna stand for it.

No, I ain't.

Hey,

where's the Cadillac?

(whispering):
Grandpa's broke.

Come on, now.

Come on, baby.

You know what?
I trusted you.

That was a secret.

Wanda, I'll make it up
to you.

Unless you can
give my father his pride back,

there's really
not much else

you can do,
is there?

Oh!

Wanda, come on now.

Look what I made
for Grandpa.

It's almost as ugly
as the collage.

Well, Vanessa says

he's gonna love
our present the best.

Ooh, this key chain
is so bright.

Hurts my eyes.

Let me see.

You want it?
It's worth

$100, but I'll sell it to you

for five.

Why don't
you want it?

Well, it turns out

that I'm allergic
to 100% solid gold.

I'll go get
my piggy bank.

(snickering laugh)

Like taking candy from a baby.

You come out here to gloat?

Tease me for being broke?

Lloyd, sometime we...

say things that we later regret.

Guess I was trying to hurt you.

I've been trying to
hurt you for 15 years.

Something happened back then

that we never talked about,

but we've been dealing with
ever since.

Lloyd, you said
I wasn't going to make it.

And that I wasn't good enough
for Wanda.

I remember.

Man, that hurt me.

That hurt me real bad.

You're welcome.

What?

You're welcome.

15 years ago, I said exactly
what you needed to hear

to motivate you
to become the success

that you are today.

Anybody want an old man?

So you're welcome.

What?!

Man, you want to run
that by me again?

Am I hearing the words come out
of your mouth right?

So, what you telling me...

What you telling me is

the ant invested
in the grasshopper, huh?

You see what happened there,
America,

is I sent Lloyd's pride
a life preserver.

Now don't get me wrong,
I'm no saint.

But I made a promise
to my baby Wanda

to be nice to her daddy,
as I was to Big Mama.

And I would have done anything
to save Big Mama

from the slightest hurt.

But you better keep your eye
on me, though.

'Cause if he says
one more thing...

I'm sorry, Big Mama.

He keeps pushing me.

But I'm cool.

I'm real cool.

Yeah, that's right.

The ant invested
in the grasshopper.

And got a pretty nice return
on my investment, too.

And so did Wanda.

How about me
and you, uh, go

to that car dealer
in the morning?

And pick up that car on me.

I appreciate that, Bernie.

But I'm gonna take care
of this myself.

No, no.

I'm gonna go back
and get the cheaper model,

like you said.

Makes a hell of a lot
more sense.

Oh, no, no.
I-I really ins...

Okay.

(laughs)

Hey, let's do it.

I guess his pride is back,
America.

And you know what?

It feels good getting that
behind us.

Now I'm not saying
we're gonna be buddies.

No, no, I'm not saying that.

'Cause I can't hang with nobody

who wears clown shirts
like that.

You know that.

But it's a start.

And for the record,
there's only one person

who can take credit
for the Mac man's success.

Only one person.

Hey, Wanda!

(sighs)

I've been looking
for you for hours.

What are you doing?

And why did you leave
the club like that?

Did my father say
something to you?

No. No, baby.

He didn't say nothing to me.

I just wanted to be alone.

Bernie Mac, I know

you're not going
to let one bad night

have you start
doubting yourself.

I'm not going to start
doubting myself.

Wanda, I come here every day,

and I perform in front
of a full train of people.

And I make 'em laugh.

If it don't get no better
than that,

that's okay.

Because right here, I'm King.

This is my stage.

But Bernie, there's
a whole world out there

that is waiting for you.

That's where
your stage is.

Uh, I don't know, Wanda.

I know.

And I'm going to
stay right here

until you know it, too.

Bernie Mac,

you are bigger
than the El train.

I think you're right.

With you by my side,

I know you're right.

That's right.

Who you with.

I'm gonna be with you.

(laughter)

(gears whirring)

BERNIE:
... with your punk ...

buy a new car
for your punk ...

Bernie!

LLOYD:
Punk? Who says I'm a punk?

Grandpa's a punk?

(laughter)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0