Original subtitles

The American Dream is to have a house,

get married and have a family.

You know what the problem with that is?

The person you marry also has a family.

Then you get in-laws.

I'm not saying nothing,

but father-in-law's birthday...

I ain't saying nothing.

BRYANA: Uncle Bernie!

Kids still driving me crazy.

Let me go say something, before I say something.

Hey, what's up?

Oh, uh, we need pictures of Aunt Wanda

when she was a baby.

We're making a collage for Grandpa's birthday.

That's a stupid present.

I got something way better.

Well...

What the hell...

A box of roaches?

No, they're cuff links.

And they're not roaches, they're scarab beetles.

Ancient Egyptian bugs

that crawl in your skin and eat your brains.

They're valuable.

Wow.

Figure it out.

I'm not saying it's not a good promotion, Daddy,

I just started thinking, "If I can run a division

at West Coast Wireless, I can run my own business."

Yeah, but starting your own business

is too risky, Wanda.

You should accept that promotion.

You know what, Lloyd, that's good advice.

Plus it'd be good,

that promotion would be real good for you.

And it comes with a package deal.

Laker tickets, courtside.

It's about more than

the flash and the perks, Hollywood.

Wanda needs to think about her security.

Now you hold up now, Lloyd, because I am her security.

Do you two realize that you're agreeing

and fighting at the same time?

(both men scoff)

You know, it's like the story

of the ant and the grasshopper.

Here we go.

See, the ant spends all summer

storing up food, preparing himself

for the long, hard winter ahead.

The grasshopper, on the other hand,

sits around playing his fiddle all day.

They didn't have basketball back then.

Well, I see the ant is enjoying

the hospitality of the grasshopper.

Wanda, when you want to hear some wisdom,

you come find me.

See what I mean about in-laws, America?

Always trying to put their two cents in.

You don't see me at their house telling them

what brand of fiber to use, or which pair of pants

to pull all the way up to their bellybutton.

I'll be glad when they're gone.

Got my house smelling all funny.

In-laws a trip.

Smell like George Clinton.

Look, Bernie.

I know you've never gotten along with Daddy,

but do you have to get into an argument with him

every time he's here?

I promised Mama I wouldn't say anything...

What's going on?

They're having money problems.

What?

What type of money problems?

It's not serious, but they're cutting back,

which is why they can't get the new car that they wanted.

(chuckling)

I knew it was something. I knew it.

The last time he was here

it was all he was talking about.

"New Cadillac, Cadillac.

I'm going to get a Cadillac."

Yeah, I guess the ant

got to change his story now, don't he?

Broke ass.

Bernie, I'm serious.

I need you to do this for me.

I need you to be nice to my father.

Oh, Wanda, what you want me to do?

You said it yourself, we don't get along, baby.

Well why don't you try this...

Okay, what?

Try being as nice to my father

as you would be to Big Mama.

I used to get along with Lloyd great

back when I first met Wanda.

But then something happened.

And you need to hear the whole story,

so let me give you a little something

from back in the day.

(music plays)

Oh, yeah. You hear that?

Y'all remember that.

(music continues)

...back in the day, when I had silk drawers on...

(doorbell rings)

MAN: Coming.

Hey, how's it hanging, Mr. Thomas?

Hey, Bernard, I thought it would be you.

And this should be Mississippi.

All right, I almost got all 50 states.

Wow, man, the last time I saw a plate against a wall

was when my mama threw it at my daddy.

(laughing)

Bye, Daddy, I'm late.

(music plays)

Wanda, don't forget to stop at the bakery.

You want a closer look?

What?

The plates-- would you like a closer look?

Hell, no, Mr. Thomas. I got to go.

Thank you.

Wow, the story starts off real nice, doesn't it?

Well, I couldn't see it,

but there was a dark cloud on the horizon.

You all just be patient,

it'll take a while for the storm to come,

but when it does, Hurricane Lloyd is going to wreck shop.

He's a m...

You know the word.

WANDA: Someone sent me a package?

"Bernard Mac"?

I don't know a Bernard Mac.

You do now.

My people call me Bernie,

but Mac is my title and my name,

as you'll soon find out.

You know, you should have that printed on a card

so you don't have to embarrass yourself

by saying it out loud.

Ooh, spicy. I like that.

Come on, now, open up your present.

You know, I don't have time for games.

I'm late.

All right, let me guess.

A fine thing like yourself,

either a runway model or you're an actress, huh?

I'll have you know

I am in the executive training program

at Chicago Telecom.

There's nothing on my resume that says "fine thing."

Oh, not yet, America.

See, you won't appreciate

why there's a beef between me and Lloyd

until you appreciate what I had to go through

to get Wanda in the first place.

See, she made a brother work, too.

But I could tell my baby was worth it.

Plus, the Mac Man had plenty of game,

plenty of game.

That's how we talked back then.

Trust me, America, it worked.

Just keep watching.

Keep watching.

BERNIE: Wanda Thomas?

Wanda Thomas.

Hey, hey, Wanda, how you doing?

Girl, you might as well get an account number

you going to keep receiving all these packages.

Who are you?

Oh, right here.

Right there.

(chuckles)

"Mac, it's both a name and a title"?

It is I.

Mind if I keep this and show my friends?

No, no.

You ought to take time out,

come see me perform.

Okay.

Yeah, look. Check that out.

Uh, this is a train schedule.

Yeah.

I perform on the El.

See, right on the back here.

I circle my scheduled times I perform.

You think I'm going to ride the El train

just to watch you perform?

Baby, I know you're going to come watch me perform,

because this right here is undeniable.

Okay, now that's funny and so is this.

Yeah, funny or not, like I said,

this right here.

So with that,

Miss Wanda, I'm going to leave you,

let you do your thing.

So, your exit is where?

Trust your instincts.

All right, now, last show.

6:30, 6:30 now.

Oh, look at Mr. Businessman.

How you doing, baby?

Boy, those some thick glasses.

Let me ask a question.

When you look at a map,

can you see the people waving?

(laughing)

Huh, man?

I'm just kidding with you.

All right, you squares,

don't forget, 6:30.

Last show, everybody.

I'll be danged.

Girl, I knew you couldn't resist.

No, I came to tell you to stop sending me packages

and stop coming to my job.

There is no... this.

You're not my type.

Oh, I see.

So you came all the way across town, took two transfers,

just to tell me that I'm not your type.

Well, see, baby, I'm sorry.

That's this.

Well...

while you're here, like to stay and watch the show?

You better be funny.

(crowd oohs)

Who you with?!

It's show time.

You like how I did that, don't you, America?

Yes, sir.

See, when it's meant to be, you just know it.

By the way, you and me, America, yes, sir.

We got this, too.

Don't be bashful. You can admit it.

Well, not maybe all of you, but most of us.

America, you and me, baby, huh?

(doorbell rings)

Wanda, your date is here.

WANDA: I'll be down in a minute!

They let you work like that?

No, actually, I'm-I'm...

He's here to take me out.

You're dating the delivery guy?

Um, actually Mr. Thomas, I'm a comedian.

Oh, a delivery guy and a comedian.

Yeah, at night.

Well, I don't know what I was worried about.

Well...

WANDA: He's very funny.

Then why haven't I seen him on Johnny Carson,

or in the movies?

Well, I can explain, and the reason being

because I perform on the El in Chicago.

I mean, if you find a little time, maybe

you want to come see me perform sometime.

Excellent.

Maybe afterwards

we could catch a play on a bus.

No, no, Mr. Thomas.

If you really feel uncomfortable with that,

maybe you need to come see me this Friday at Tickles.

Turn this on. Is it on?

(chuckling)

Yeah, I don't think it's on.

Thought you all came

to have a good time.

MAN (sarcastically): Ha-ha.

W-What's up?

What's up?!

Well, look at this guy's glasses.

Um...

They're so thick you can look at a map and...

and, um...

see people waving.

(Wanda laughs)

It was a tough crowd tonight.

Tell me about it.

Um, Wanda, why don't you go and call the restaurant

and tell them we're going to be a little early.

Okay, Daddy.

Let's you and I cut to the chase, Bernard.

I just thought you weren't good enough for my daughter

when you were the deliveryman.

But now I'm sure of it.

You know what, Mr. Thomas?

It ain't what you think.

It's what Wanda think.

Why do you think Wanda brought me here tonight?

I'm here because she wanted my approval

before things went forward.

So, we're all going to go to dinner now, and...

I'd appreciate it if this is the last time you see my daughter.

Mr. Thomas...

why don't you tell Wanda I'm not feeling good.

MAN (over microphone): Thank you. Thank you. Boy, Chicago,

the windy city.

And today I found out why they call it the windy city:

Hey, easy on the bratwurst.

(laughs)

America, now it should be totally clear

why me and Lloyd don't get along.

Why, there's beef, static, bad blood,

stains, heat, all kind of friction.

Oh! But I'm about to be the bigger man.

Yes, sir.

I'm gonna keep my promise to my baby

and be nice to her daddy.

He gonna tell me I'm not good enough?

(chuckles)

Man, he don't want none of it.

He don't want...

His wife was...

Moving on.

So, honey, I'm going to take my parents

to Long Beach to see the Queen Mary.

Yeah, I'd better go pull the car around

if we're gonna beat traffic.

Hold on, now, Lloyd. I'm not too comfortable

with you driving that car

all the way to Long Beach.

It is leaking oil.

Why don't you take the new car?

What new car?

The new car that I'm buying you for your birthday.

What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

Why are you being so generous all of a sudden?

Well, Lloyd, it is your 65th birthday,

and what can you buy a man who has everything?

Well, it sure beats the hell out of the tie

you gave me last year.

(laughter)

Honey? Mm-hmm?

I love what you're doing for Daddy,

so I'm going to leave you two alone

so he'll know that this is your thing.

Plus, I saw a convertible over there

that looks like it needs a mama.

Hey... Hey, Lloyd, look at this.

"Antilock brakes, air bag."

Got a clock in the dashboard.

Lloyd, I think we found your car.

LLOYD: This car is beautiful.

Man, I'm so glad you like...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, Lloyd, Lloyd.

Come on, now, this too much car for you.

Oh, I think not, Son-in-law.

You know I like to ride in style.

You'll notice my Seville is top of the line.

It was top of the line 12 years ago, pimp.

The line has moved.

These cars got FM in 'em now.

Oh, come on, Hollywood.

Oh.

Hey, listen, it doesn't cost anything

to talk to a salesman.

Look, this is a gift for my Grandpa,

so I'm willing to make a deal.

But if you don't need

to make a sale this week, I'll walk.

Look, kid, the key chain's $3.50.

You want it or not?

(sighs)

Okay, I'll take it.

Does this have the six-disc CD changer in dash?

See, hold-hold hold up, hold on.

This-This one I draw the line.

Lloyd, come on now.

You don't even own six CDs.

You know what, young man?

I'm sorry to have even bothered you.

Thank you very much.

Bernie, I'm just going

to hold on to the Seville,

even though it's 12 years old.

Well, Lloyd, what you mean by that?

All of a sudden me buying you a new car ain't good enough?

Well, this just doesn't feel like me.

You know, I'm not the type to skimp.

Skimp?!

Lloyd, first of all,

you ought to be grateful

that somebody would want to buy you a car

with your broke ass.

Broke?

Bernie?

Who the hell said I was broke?

Grandpa's broke?

Listen, Lloyd...

No, no, you listen.

I can buy my own

damn car.

Lloyd...

Daddy? Daddy,

wait.

(Wanda sighs)

So, what's your return policy?

America, you saw what happened.

I was provoked, pushed to the edge.

Here I am buying Lloyd a car, and he's getting greedy.

Unnecessary stuff like heated seats, seat belts.

If you want heated seats, park in the sun.

You want a seat belt, get you a rope.

And a GPS system?

When he only drives to the park and back.

He was exploiting my giving heart, America.

And I ain't gonna stand for no ... taste.

I ain't gonna stand for it.

No, I ain't.

Hey,

where's the Cadillac?

(whispering): Grandpa's broke.

Come on, now.

Come on, baby.

You know what? I trusted you.

That was a secret.

Wanda, I'll make it up to you.

Unless you can give my father his pride back,

there's really not much else

you can do, is there?

Oh!

Wanda, come on now.

Look what I made for Grandpa.

It's almost as ugly as the collage.

Well, Vanessa says

he's gonna love our present the best.

Ooh, this key chain is so bright.

Hurts my eyes.

Let me see.

You want it? It's worth

$100, but I'll sell it to you

for five.

Why don't you want it?

Well, it turns out

that I'm allergic to 100% solid gold.

I'll go get my piggy bank.

(snickering laugh)

Like taking candy from a baby.

You come out here to gloat?

Tease me for being broke?

Lloyd, sometime we...

say things that we later regret.

Guess I was trying to hurt you.

I've been trying to hurt you for 15 years.

Something happened back then

that we never talked about,

but we've been dealing with ever since.

Lloyd, you said I wasn't going to make it.

And that I wasn't good enough for Wanda.

I remember.

Man, that hurt me.

That hurt me real bad.

You're welcome.

What?

You're welcome.

15 years ago, I said exactly what you needed to hear

to motivate you to become the success

that you are today.

Anybody want an old man?

So you're welcome.

What?!

Man, you want to run that by me again?

Am I hearing the words come out of your mouth right?

So, what you telling me...

What you telling me is

the ant invested in the grasshopper, huh?

You see what happened there, America,

is I sent Lloyd's pride a life preserver.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm no saint.

But I made a promise to my baby Wanda

to be nice to her daddy, as I was to Big Mama.

And I would have done anything to save Big Mama

from the slightest hurt.

But you better keep your eye on me, though.

'Cause if he says one more thing...

I'm sorry, Big Mama.

He keeps pushing me.

But I'm cool.

I'm real cool.

Yeah, that's right.

The ant invested in the grasshopper.

And got a pretty nice return on my investment, too.

And so did Wanda.

How about me and you, uh, go

to that car dealer in the morning?

And pick up that car on me.

I appreciate that, Bernie.

But I'm gonna take care of this myself.

No, no.

I'm gonna go back and get the cheaper model,

like you said.

Makes a hell of a lot more sense.

Oh, no, no. I-I really ins...

Okay.

(laughs)

Hey, let's do it.

I guess his pride is back, America.

And you know what?

It feels good getting that behind us.

Now I'm not saying we're gonna be buddies.

No, no, I'm not saying that.

'Cause I can't hang with nobody

who wears clown shirts like that.

You know that.

But it's a start.

And for the record, there's only one person

who can take credit for the Mac man's success.

Only one person.

Hey, Wanda!

(sighs)

I've been looking for you for hours.

What are you doing?

And why did you leave the club like that?

Did my father say something to you?

No. No, baby.

He didn't say nothing to me.

I just wanted to be alone.

Bernie Mac, I know

you're not going to let one bad night

have you start doubting yourself.

I'm not going to start doubting myself.

Wanda, I come here every day,

and I perform in front of a full train of people.

And I make 'em laugh.

If it don't get no better than that,

that's okay.

Because right here, I'm King.

This is my stage.

But Bernie, there's a whole world out there

that is waiting for you.

That's where your stage is.

Uh, I don't know, Wanda.

I know.

And I'm going to stay right here

until you know it, too.

Bernie Mac,

you are bigger than the El train.

I think you're right.

With you by my side,

I know you're right.

That's right.

Who you with.

I'm gonna be with you.

(laughter)

(gears whirring)

BERNIE: ... with your punk ...

buy a new car for your punk ...

Bernie!

LLOYD: Punk? Who says I'm a punk?

Grandpa's a punk?

(laughter)

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