All language subtitles for The Bernie Mac Show s02e21 Meet the Grandparents.eng

Don't try to adjust your set,
America.

It's the sweater.

See, my baby parents,
they're coming to visit.

Her mama made this little
weak sweater for me,

and it makes her happy
just to see me in it,

so, here I am.

Now, see, my baby Wanda,
she adores her parents.

She dotes on 'em.

Me, well, in the past,
I always made sure

I was on the road
when they came to visit.

Because they was always
picking on me,

and making little comments,
judging me,

saying I wasn't no good
for her.

You know how in-laws do.

But see, now I can't leave.

Someone's got to be here
with those doggone kids.

My kids.

Wanda's kids.

Damn kids.

Making me spend a whole week
in hell.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

WANDA:
Bernie, they're here.

I'm coming, baby.

The sweater not just ugly.

It's itchy, too.

Well, you want to know
what it's made of?

I say it's made of mosquitoes.

Excuse me, America.

This is some bull.

Oh, there he is!

You come over here

and give your mother-in-law
some sugar.

Yes, ma'am.
Oh. (LAUGHING)

Hey, Ma.
Hey, baby.

Hey, uh, Da...
I mean, Lloyd.

Good to see you.

Good to see you, too, Bernie.

I see you still haven't
found a barber yet, though.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, Mom, Dad, uh,
you all met the kids?

Oh, adorable.
What did you bring us?

BERNIE:
Jordan!

No, no, no. That's
perfectly all right.

That's perfectly all right.
As a matter of fact,

we did bring
you something.

Disclosing tablets.

Got 'em for
all you kids.

They show you
where you miss when you brush.

(JORDAN GRUNTS)

Oh, Daddy.

Thanks.

Well, it was nice
meeting you.

Uh, don't think I forgot
about you two.

Ooh!

(LAUGHS) Oh!

Look, Bernie.
(LAUGHS)

What a, uh...

Ooh, a lovely
afghan.

Another one?

Wow. Oh, Mama,
it's beautiful.

You shouldn't
have.

Oh, I know,

but I remembered
how much Bernie loved his sweater,

so I made him
this to match.

Oh, thank you, Ma.
Thank you.

Hey, I don't wear mine.

Why-why is that, Dad?

Thing itches.

You know, I thought these
two tones would look good in your house.

You mind helping me
with this luggage, Hollywood?

No, no.

That is, unless you think you're
going to scuff up your nails.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you,
Mommy.

See what I mean, America?

They've only been here
less than five minutes,

and already, they're starting.

Even when they're trying
to be nice, they're annoying.

Look at this.
What the...is this?

BERNIE:
Nessa?

I don't care
if Todd's going to be there.

No. I'm just going to study.

BERNIE:
Nessa!

Come on, baby.
We're waiting on you.

The food's
getting cold.

Coming.

No. I do not like him.

Donna, I don't.

No, I don't like him.

Let me say something.

Hey, Donna,
she don't like the boy, okay?

Do me a favor: hang up.

Come on, baby.

If I got to put up with them,
you got to put up with them.

Come on. Come on,
come on, come on.

All right, I'm back.

Hey, Ma, can I help you
find something over there?

Oh, no, no, baby.

I'm just putting things
where they should be.

Mom, why don't you
leave that alone, come over here

and have some chicken
with us, okay?

No, no. Thank you. I'm fine.

Made the right choice,
Mother.

Chicken's a little
undercooked.

Um, I...

L-Lloyd, ain't nothing wrong
with that chicken.

If you want me to put it back
on the grill, I will,

but, Lloyd, ain't nothing wrong
with that chicken.

You're a flipper,
aren't you, Bernie?

I've been known.

Well, you flipped
the bird too much.

Can't get cooked
through and through that way.

Flipped the bird?

I'd like to flip him the bird.

Come in my house...

All right.

All right.

America,
Bernie Mac need a break.

That's all.

So, let me put all those people
to bed and relax, breathe.

We all go through it.

This world's about sacrifice.

(CHUCKLES)

And this is for two people?

(LAUGHS)

You really are a King
of Comedy, aren't you?

Daddy.

Sweetie, we do not want
to be any trouble.

We can stay at the Wiltmore.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Uh, no. You know what?

I have a better idea.
(MUTTERING)

Don't you do it.

Wanda, don't do it!

I know she going to do it,
America.

She done did it!

Why did you have
to give up my doggone bed?

What was I supposed to do?

I want 'em to be comfortable.

You didn't have
to do that.

Old folks smell.

All up in my bed,
like I can get it out.

Oh! Well, what you want
to do now?

Hell, I mean, you
make allowances... What you wanna do?

...you make allowances
yourself. Come on. What you wanna do?

You know what?
I'll make it...

You know what
happened to you last time...

You know what happened
to you... I don't remember.

Yeah, think about it.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Wait. Where my doggone
fish sticks at?

Woke up dreaming about 'em.

My mouth all set,
and watering for it.

What type of...

hypocrites?

Oh.

So, Lloyd, I see
you found my fish sticks, huh?

Mmm. Lightly breaded,
not too fishy.

All in all,
quite scrumptious.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, so, Dad, Lloyd,

you plan on being here long
or what?

Yeah, well, your
mattress is a little soft for my taste.

Yes.

So, I think I'm going to try
and make a dent in my book here.

(SIGHS)

Uh, you mind?

Thank you.

America, I might be able
to stomach

giving up my doggone bed,
but not my chair, never.

They tryin' to take over
my whole doggone house,

and the Mac ain't having it.

First thing in the morning,
they're out of here!

(WHISPERS)
They're out of here.

This is it.
This is about it.

Wanda...
Honey?

Yeah. Hold on,
hold on, babe.

I need a vacation
from your parents' vacation.

One of us got to leave,
and I live here.

Baby, before you
do anything,

something wonderful
has happened.

What, they left?

(LAUGHING)

Uncle Bernie,

Grandma made sunny-side up
with bacon smiley faces.

Grandma?
Yeah!

And Grandpa's going
to teach me how to fish.

Grandma, Grandpa.

Grandpa.
Isn't that great?

That's nice.

Real nice.

Come join us
for breakfast, son.

Hey, don't you look pretty
this morning!

Oh, thank you.

She sure does.

Hey, baby.

Yes, honey.

Drop it like it's hot.
Ooh, really?

Uh-uh!
Oh, what?

No, she didn't.
(LAUGHTER)

Oh, my!

America, my baby
Wanda was right.

Something wonderful
has happened.

See, those grand pains
in the ass

have become grandparents,

something those kids
never ever had.

Look how happy they are.

And for that, America,

I could put up
with almost anything.

They turned my frown
into a smile.

BRYANA: Grandma?
GRANDMA: I'm in here, precious!

Oh, the sweet sound
of grandparents, America.

I'm happy for those kids.

When they grow older,

they have fond memories
of their grandparents,

just like I did about Big Mama.

Just imagine
fresh-squeezed lemonade.

A quarter for being good.

Peach cobbler cooling
on the windowsill.

"Oh, it's not ready yet, baby."

"Get away from that cobbler
before I knock you out."

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, America, I remember
like yesterday.

I just hope
they'll shower those kids with lots of love.

And maybe they get
off my doggone back.

Hey, good morning, sweetie pie.

Why don't you sit down
and let me make you some breakfast?

Uh, no, thanks.
My ride will be here any minute.

You sure?

Grandma make a mean waffle.

She's not my
grandmother.

Hey, hey, hey.

Be nice.

I got to go.

Ignorant.

It's all right.

You know, America,

see, it take Nessa a while
to warm up,

if you know what I mean.
Y'all know her.

Who can blame her?

See, her mama had a lot
of people coming around

calling themselves cousins,
aunts and uncles.

A lot of uncles...

if you know what I mean.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

We'll walk her in.

Mama, you don't have
to walk her in.

The school's right here.

We can just go home.
Oh, relax, Hollywood.

What else have you got
to do, huh?

Sit around and make
that big old afro round?

(LAUGHS)

Talkin' about?

It ain't that doggone big.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

You ready for the history test
on Friday?

No way.

Um, I could come over
and help you study.

Well, we have
people visiting.

Oh, and besides,
any time a guy comes anywhere near me,

my Uncle Bernie gives
this look like...

Let me see.

Call me if you need help.

What if I need help?

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

Thank you so much for coming.

You know, it is such a treat
to finally meet someone from Bryana's family.

What? Doesn't
he ever visit?

I love to volunteer my time,

but with my busy schedule,
I just don't have time.

You know,
we're still

looking for parents
for the spring carnival.

Spring won't be a good time
for me.

Sign him up.

Figures.

(KNOCKING)
WANDA: Come in.

Hi, babies.
Oh, hey, Mom.

Hey. Here's
the kids' laundry.

Oh, thank you, Mom.
Uh-huh.

(LAUGHS)
I, um, did this yesterday.

You did?

Well, it looked kind of dingy.

(GROANS)

Little secret.

Just a quarter cup of bleach
and just a pinch of baking soda.

Just thought I'd show you
how it could look.

Thank you.

Oh, you're so welcome!

"How it could look."

Huh?
"How it could look."

Did she just say,
"how it could look"?

What, you ain't listening?

Okay, you know what?

She just wants me to...
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)

Oh, come on. Do what?
Come on. It's me.

Ooh, I want to pop!

Pop go the weasel.
Oh!

Yesterday she showed me
how to grease Bryana's scalp.

Said that it was too dry.

There ain't nothing wrong
with baby girl's scalp, baby.

I know there ain't nothing wrong
with her scalp.

I grease it all the time.

Okay you know what?
I was trying to be nice.

What about your food?

She said your food's too salty.

That it's giving all the kids
hypertension.

I know. She's crazy.

Salt don't give kids
hypertension.

Overbearing mothers give kids
hypertension.

(SCREAMS)
(KNOCKING)

LLOYD:
Can you keep it down in there?

Thank you.

I told you. You want me
to call the big fellow?

We'll smother him
in his sleep.

No. It's my daddy.
You don't know that.

America, you know the problem
with grandparents?

They're cocky.

Think they know everything.

They should concentrate

on buying presents
and pinching cheeks

instead of telling me
how to raise my kids.

See, I thought in-laws was bad,
but grandparents are worse.

They makes my ass itch.

(CHUCKLING)

Good morning.

Good morning.

Anything interesting
in the world?

Oh, a bunch of stuff interesting
in the world, Dad.

It say right here that dentists
got the highest suicidal rate out of all doctors.

Yeah, and the highest
homicide rate, too. (CHUCKLING)

See, see, you can't
let your guard down, King of Comedy.

No, you can't,
you can't.

Oh, look, honey.

They're having a
modern art exhibit

at the gallery downtown.
(MUMBLING)

Oh, why don't
you both go?

We'll watch the kids.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Okay.
Okay.

(CHUCKLING CONTINUES)

Somebody make a joke?

No, Mom, Dad, we-we really
appreciate it, but I just...

I got so much I got to do.

I got to get baby girl,
she got ballet at 2:00.

Then I got to take Jordan,
he got...

Buh, buh, buh.

I think we can handle
a couple of kids.

We do have 30 years
in the business.

♪♪

Okay.

You forgot my tutu.

Oh. Okay, hold on.

(MUTTERING)

(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING)

(HUMMING)

Okay, got the tutu, honey.
There you go.

Good?

Wait...

Hey,

can I give you
a ride somewhere?

Uh... no, thanks.

My friends are coming
to pick me up.

Oh... I was hoping we'd get to
spend some girl time together.

Maybe later.

Okay.
Have fun.

All right?

Good.

(KNOCKING)

Grandma,
I have to go tee-tee.

(WANDA CHUCKLES)

Jordan!

♪♪

Jordan, lunch is ready.

Jordan!

Oh... it's
the last piece.

I'm having such a
good time, I don't want to go home yet.

Who said we do?
Let's get a bite to eat.

Shouldn't we call?

It's still early.

Hey, your parents and them
got it under control. They 30 years in the game.

(CHUCKLES) That's funny.
You like that?

You have to take off
your tutu.

No!

You're going to give me
a heart attack.

Mother, now, I'm getting
a little worried.

(PANTING)
I still can't find that boy.

Good, huh?

Jordan!

Jordan, where are you, boy?

Ow!

Oh, gee...
Mother, I found him.

He's in the tree.

Boy, how did you
get up there?

With my super powers.

Your super powers?
Get down here!

No!

Boy, don't make me get the hose.

(GROWLS)
Okay.

(WHIMPERING)

Come on.

Come... Jordan, get down here.

(SCREAMING)

Okay, okay, come on, son.

Just-just calm down.

(SIGHING)

Honey, do you think
we should call?

Oh, Wanda, baby,
stop it, will ya?

And just relax and enjoy
your massage, okay?

You want me to call?

Thank you, ma'am.

(MOANS)
Whoa.

He... I think I got
the machine, baby.

Leave a message, honey.

Lloyd?
What? What?

Lloyd, I hear Bernie's
voice on the machine.

Well, then tell him...
What, his voice?

Just hold on, son,
hold on.

Hold... just be...

Get me down!

BERNIE:
We're just calling to check in.

Hello!

Trying to make sure
everything okay.

Uh, if you like,
you can call us back on our phone, okay?

All right, bye-bye.

No, no,
wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back.

The boy is up a tree.

Mother... Mother,
how do you get him back?

CHUY:
Hey, man, it's Chuy.

Let me know when those
annoying grandparents are gone

so we can play some poker.

Annoy...?

(BEEP)

♪ Rescue me ♪

♪ Oh take me in your arms ♪

♪ Rescue me ♪

♪ I want your tender charms ♪

(JORDAN SHRIEKS)

♪ And I'm blue ♪

I'm okay!

(LIGHT APPLAUSE)

♪ Come on and rescue me ♪

♪ Come on baby ♪

What's going on?

Oh, my brother's
up a tree again.

(WHISTLING)

Can I come in?

Sure.

(MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, I love this song.

Can you download it?

Sure. Let me
show you how.

First...

click there.

And then... click there.

(DOOR OPENING)

Um...

I better go.

BERNIE:
...all day. (GIGGLING)

I ain't gonna be quiet
in my own house.

Shh...
Shoot...

Shush me baby, shoot.

(GASPS)
What?

Oh, Mom, Dad, uh...

We didn't know
you were up.

Do you two realize
what time it is?

Oh, my God, um...
we're, uh, sorry.

(LAUGHING)

Have you two
been drinking?

Just a little bit.
(LAUGHING)

We've been trying
to call, but... Yes, we have.

...but ain't nobody
answer the phone.

We don't know how
to work that computer.

(LAUGHING)

It's an answering machine, Dad.

And we also
figured that, you know,

there would be no problem
in babysitting.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Seeing that you have 30 years of experience

with your own kids.

What are you talking about?

Well, Mom, you've
been treating us

like we don't know
what we're doing.

No, no, we're just
trying to pass on

some helpful hints
that we learned along the way.

No, you came in here like
you were better than us.

Like you invented kids.

Like y'all got a manual.

If that's how you feel...

maybe we should leave.

Um, can I talk to you?

Sure, come on in,
precious. Sit.

Am I in big trouble?

Oh.

I didn't tell them.

You didn't?
Uh-huh.

Vanessa, I had plenty
of boyfriends

when I was your age.

Oh, what?

You think I was born married
to that old man?

Oh!
Honey...

I remember what it's like
to be a young girl.

But I also remember what it's
like to be a good girl now.

And a good girl minds
her knickers,

you know what I'm saying?

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Mmm.

So...

do you want to hang out
for a while?

Oh, well, maybe
next time, precious.

Your grandfather
and I are leaving.

Leaving?

But we were just getting
to know each other, Grandma.

Baby, come on.
I know, I know.

Why is Grandma leaving?

It's complicated, Nessa.

But they've only been here
three days.

Baby, it's grown
folks' business.

You wouldn't understand.

Don't worry about it, okay?

I understand.

Everybody's always leaving.

Oh, Nessa...

What am I doing, America?

Did y'all hear that girl?

I tell you what she said.

She said, "Grandma."

And that's probably
the first time

she's said "Grandma"
in her life.

I can't let them
walk out that door.

See, sometimes,
it's hard to see clearly

when another man's
drinking out of your mug,

eating your fish filets,
calling you a bad parent.

Sally up on the dunking booth.

But that's family, America.

And you all got the same thing,
too.

So, America, excuse me.

I've got to go
smooth things over.

♪ Gonna keep the
family groove ♪

I ain't got nothing.

LLOYD:
Bring it on, bring it on.

Oh-oh! Oh!
Oh-oh! Oh!

Play 'em.
Play 'em.

Oh...

Oh, yeah!
(GROANING)

Mother...
drop it like it's hot.

Oh, baby.

Oh, that's nice.
Real nice.

That was a...
She had it all!

I know it.
You see it?

Look at this.
What the...is this?

(SCOFFS)
Boy, I'm telling you.

Boy they something else, man.

Suddenly I feel like
I need a Bible.

The Lord work
in mysterious ways.

All I need is a radio.

Make me want to spit.

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