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1
00:00:18,969 --> 00:00:21,089
America, look at these books.
2
00:00:21,171 --> 00:00:24,891
How to Listen to Your Child,
How to Talk to Your Child
3
00:00:24,966 --> 00:00:27,346
How to Love Your Child.
4
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:30,101
You know why I haven't cracked
the spine on any of these?
5
00:00:30,180 --> 00:00:34,520
Because the only book I need
is right here-- the Bible.
6
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:38,241
This is the best training manual
for parents ever written.
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00:00:38,313 --> 00:00:41,073
In 2,000 years,
they haven't improved on it.
8
00:00:41,149 --> 00:00:43,619
There's a lot
of good stuff in here.
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00:00:43,693 --> 00:00:48,333
For example, Abraham sacrificing
his son Isaac-- I like that.
10
00:00:48,406 --> 00:00:50,536
Moses' mother
putting him in a basket
11
00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:53,967
and pushing him down a river--
that's on my to-do list.
12
00:00:54,046 --> 00:00:57,046
King Solomon,
the wisest man in the Bible
13
00:00:57,124 --> 00:00:58,974
said cut a boy in half.
14
00:00:59,042 --> 00:01:00,382
Now, who am I to argue?
15
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:03,300
America, this is full
of good stuff in here
16
00:01:03,380 --> 00:01:04,720
I'm telling you right now.
17
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,648
Oh, listen, listen.
18
00:01:06,725 --> 00:01:08,555
"The lion's den."
19
00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:09,885
Hmm.
20
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:12,650
Now, that sounds good.
21
00:01:12,731 --> 00:01:14,861
( roaring)
22
00:01:14,933 --> 00:01:16,163
Just gnaw 'em.
23
00:01:24,025 --> 00:01:25,735
What the...?
24
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:30,759
Jordan! How many times I tell
you to pick your bookbag up?!
25
00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:34,923
What is this?
26
00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:36,585
Oh, my god.
27
00:01:36,663 --> 00:01:37,613
A juggling Jesus?
28
00:01:37,689 --> 00:01:38,549
Boy, what's wrong with you?
29
00:01:38,623 --> 00:01:39,923
It was just a joke,
Uncle Bernie.
30
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,130
A joke.
31
00:01:41,209 --> 00:01:43,089
So, you think Jesus is a joke?
32
00:01:43,170 --> 00:01:44,810
So, Jesus a clown now?
33
00:01:44,888 --> 00:01:46,138
People hate clowns.
34
00:01:46,214 --> 00:01:48,274
Everybody love Jesus, Jordan.
35
00:01:48,341 --> 00:01:49,821
Well, he did do a lot of tricks.
36
00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:52,895
Now, what are you talk...?
He ain't did no tricks.
37
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,770
The Bible's full of them.
38
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:58,108
He raised a dead guy;
he turned water into wine.
39
00:01:58,185 --> 00:01:59,105
Those ain't no tricks, man.
40
00:01:59,186 --> 00:02:00,276
Those are miracles!
41
00:02:00,353 --> 00:02:02,413
Well, then here's my miracle.
42
00:02:09,321 --> 00:02:12,511
Empty cup. Juice.
43
00:02:17,787 --> 00:02:18,587
♪ Ta-da! ♪
44
00:02:18,663 --> 00:02:20,133
I'm Jesus.
45
00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:23,047
( sputtering)
46
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:24,380
"I'm Jesus"?
47
00:02:24,461 --> 00:02:27,191
Did you hear that blasphemy?
48
00:02:27,264 --> 00:02:28,974
And it didn't stop there.
49
00:02:29,049 --> 00:02:31,849
He said that if Jesus
and Superman got into a fight
50
00:02:31,927 --> 00:02:33,137
Superman would win!
51
00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:34,940
Can you believe that?
52
00:02:35,013 --> 00:02:36,613
Superman ain't real.
53
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:40,190
If I had ever fixed my face
to say such foolishness
54
00:02:40,268 --> 00:02:42,358
Big Mama would have...
55
00:02:42,437 --> 00:02:43,697
Well, let me show you
what would have happened.
56
00:02:43,780 --> 00:02:46,200
Y'all pray for me.
57
00:02:46,274 --> 00:02:47,704
( organ playing)
58
00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:49,026
Why I got to wear a suit?
59
00:02:49,110 --> 00:02:52,170
Jesus is wearing his bathrobe.
60
00:02:53,531 --> 00:02:57,181
Look, Big Mama, I'm an angel.
61
00:02:57,869 --> 00:02:59,259
Can I go to...?
62
00:03:02,174 --> 00:03:04,594
Big Mama had it right.
63
00:03:04,668 --> 00:03:07,178
( sobbing ):
Train 'em up for the way they should go
64
00:03:07,254 --> 00:03:08,804
and they should never depart
from it.
65
00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:11,474
Jordan just has
some religious questions.
66
00:03:11,549 --> 00:03:13,519
I think it's perfectly natural.
67
00:03:13,593 --> 00:03:15,693
Baby, the only question
that boy should have
68
00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:17,402
is "How can I serve you better,
Jesus?"
69
00:03:17,472 --> 00:03:19,062
And I know Jesus' answer.
70
00:03:19,140 --> 00:03:20,940
"Honor thy mother and father."
71
00:03:21,017 --> 00:03:23,327
We got to straighten
that boy out.
72
00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:24,953
I don't know, Bernie.
73
00:03:25,021 --> 00:03:28,171
I don't feel comfortable
being an authority on this one.
74
00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:30,662
Somebody got to teach this boy
right from wrong.
75
00:03:30,735 --> 00:03:33,245
If not us, who?
76
00:03:33,321 --> 00:03:35,501
Father Cronin
77
00:03:35,573 --> 00:03:38,043
we just feel we're a little bit
over our heads with this.
78
00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:40,038
You've done the right thing.
79
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,350
This is my calling--
80
00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:43,511
to lead the wayward lambs
to the light
81
00:03:43,581 --> 00:03:45,631
to fill their souls
with the love of Jesus
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00:03:45,709 --> 00:03:47,969
who died on the cross,
bleeding and...
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00:03:48,044 --> 00:03:49,184
I found it, I found it.
84
00:03:49,188 --> 00:03:50,258
I got it right here.
85
00:03:50,338 --> 00:03:51,218
Deuteronomy 21:18.
86
00:03:51,298 --> 00:03:52,388
Listen, baby.
87
00:03:52,465 --> 00:03:54,145
"If a man hath
a stubborn
88
00:03:54,226 --> 00:03:55,636
and rebellious son
89
00:03:55,719 --> 00:03:58,649
and will not listen to
the voice of his father
90
00:03:58,656 --> 00:04:01,016
then shall the
father and mother..."
91
00:04:01,099 --> 00:04:02,109
That's you
and me, baby.
92
00:04:02,183 --> 00:04:03,073
"...lay hold upon him
93
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:05,073
and all men
94
00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:08,235
in his city shall
stone him with stones
95
00:04:08,315 --> 00:04:09,565
that he shall die."
96
00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:11,369
Baby, we can stone the boy.
97
00:04:11,377 --> 00:04:13,237
God wants to stone the boy.
98
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,200
Blessed be the name,
O Heavenly Father.
99
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:17,160
Blessed be the day,
O Heavenly Father.
100
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:18,540
Thank you, O Lord!
101
00:04:18,616 --> 00:04:20,876
( silently speakingin tongues)
102
00:04:20,952 --> 00:04:23,352
So, you'll go
and talk to him?
103
00:04:23,422 --> 00:04:26,172
Be not afraid.
104
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,843
Father Cronin is here.
105
00:04:27,917 --> 00:04:29,377
All right, all right.
106
00:04:29,395 --> 00:04:31,425
The boy got questions.
107
00:04:31,504 --> 00:04:34,184
I told him to ask
all the questions he wants.
108
00:04:34,257 --> 00:04:35,857
Get it out of his system.
109
00:04:35,934 --> 00:04:40,354
'Cause if it doesn't work,
it's on to Plan "B."
110
00:04:40,430 --> 00:04:41,270
Let it be written...
111
00:04:41,348 --> 00:04:42,398
( chuckling)
112
00:04:42,474 --> 00:04:43,864
...let it be done.
113
00:04:43,933 --> 00:04:44,943
( chuckling)
114
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:45,978
Stone.
115
00:04:46,061 --> 00:04:47,741
But isn't it wrong
to wear a cross?
116
00:04:47,812 --> 00:04:49,782
I mean, that's where
they executed Jesus.
117
00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:52,206
I mean, what if they
executed him some other way?
118
00:04:52,284 --> 00:04:54,424
Would we all wear
little electric chairs?
119
00:04:55,945 --> 00:04:59,285
Boy, the cross is the symbol
of Christ's love.
120
00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:00,746
The blood is...
121
00:05:00,825 --> 00:05:06,455
( cawing)
122
00:05:06,539 --> 00:05:08,379
Oh, that's just my friend.
123
00:05:08,458 --> 00:05:10,548
I call him Satin
'cause he's silky and dark.
124
00:05:10,627 --> 00:05:12,107
Now, listen
to me, boy.
125
00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:15,437
You think you're slick
asking your sophomoric questions
126
00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:17,975
and presenting
your fatalistic conundrums
127
00:05:18,060 --> 00:05:19,640
but just like Saul of Tarsus
128
00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:22,439
who was blinded on his way
to killing a Christian
129
00:05:22,514 --> 00:05:24,814
you too can be knocked off
your flippin' horse
130
00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:26,401
if you don't watch it.
131
00:05:26,476 --> 00:05:28,486
Now, what's your question, boy?
132
00:05:28,561 --> 00:05:31,071
Well, during Communion,
when we eat the host
133
00:05:31,147 --> 00:05:33,027
that's the body of
Christ, right?
134
00:05:33,108 --> 00:05:34,248
Right.
135
00:05:34,326 --> 00:05:36,326
Well, I guess my question is...
136
00:05:36,403 --> 00:05:38,543
doesn't that make us cannibals?
137
00:05:38,613 --> 00:05:41,463
That boy is as godless
as a pygmy in the Amazon!
138
00:05:41,533 --> 00:05:42,543
I knew it. I knew it.
139
00:05:42,617 --> 00:05:44,287
Father, can you save him?
140
00:05:44,369 --> 00:05:46,169
It's not up to me.
141
00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:48,416
Mr. Mac, have you ever
heard of a sin cup?
142
00:05:48,498 --> 00:05:50,338
Have I heard of a what?
143
00:05:50,417 --> 00:05:52,337
A sin cup.
144
00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:54,509
It's a chalice that holds
all your iniquities
145
00:05:54,587 --> 00:05:56,507
from your first
breath to the last
146
00:05:56,589 --> 00:05:58,349
and the fuller
your sin cup is
147
00:05:58,425 --> 00:06:00,175
the hotter it will
be in Hell for you.
148
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:01,980
Is the boy cup that full?
149
00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:04,687
I'd start praying for
the boy now, Mr. Mac...
150
00:06:04,764 --> 00:06:07,034
before he drags the rest
of you down with him.
151
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:11,539
Sin cup?
152
00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:16,243
That boy don't respect nothing.
153
00:06:16,317 --> 00:06:17,867
He don't respect
the Catholic father
154
00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:19,544
he don't respect
the Heavenly Father.
155
00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:21,162
Probably drove away
his real father.
156
00:06:21,239 --> 00:06:22,659
Now he gon' send us all to Hell.
157
00:06:22,740 --> 00:06:23,620
Something got to be done.
158
00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:24,920
I don't know what it is
159
00:06:24,993 --> 00:06:26,793
but it will be
of the biblical proportion.
160
00:06:26,804 --> 00:06:28,344
It will be
of the biblical proportion.
161
00:06:28,413 --> 00:06:30,463
Will be.
162
00:06:30,540 --> 00:06:32,220
But we were just talking
about the Bible.
163
00:06:32,301 --> 00:06:34,311
Only reason I don't grab you
by your scrawny throat
164
00:06:34,386 --> 00:06:35,636
is I don't want
to be holding you
165
00:06:35,712 --> 00:06:37,142
when a lightning bolt hits.
166
00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:38,427
You said I could ask questions.
167
00:06:38,506 --> 00:06:40,266
Now I'm saying
stay in your room.
168
00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:42,175
For how long?
169
00:06:42,260 --> 00:06:43,440
Until you memorize this.
170
00:06:43,511 --> 00:06:44,601
But it's not fair.
171
00:06:44,679 --> 00:06:45,949
I didn't do anything!
172
00:06:46,022 --> 00:06:47,612
Tell it to Jesus!
173
00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:50,739
( door slams)
174
00:06:56,024 --> 00:06:58,164
You see this chair, America?
175
00:06:58,234 --> 00:07:00,454
This here's the pilot's chair.
176
00:07:00,528 --> 00:07:02,658
See, I'm not the pilot
in this house.
177
00:07:02,739 --> 00:07:04,339
I'm just a copilot.
178
00:07:04,416 --> 00:07:07,166
See, God is the pilot
in this flight.
179
00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:08,507
And I'm going to tell you why.
180
00:07:08,587 --> 00:07:10,247
When you run into turbulence
181
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:12,380
like the kind
this boy been causing
182
00:07:12,457 --> 00:07:14,877
see, I got God at the controls
183
00:07:14,959 --> 00:07:18,259
and that leaves me free
to roam about the cabin
184
00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:20,398
dispensing
refreshing butt-whuppins.
185
00:07:25,470 --> 00:07:29,190
Hey, baby girl.
186
00:07:29,265 --> 00:07:31,895
Hey, I already got
a cup for you.
187
00:07:31,976 --> 00:07:33,486
No, this is my sin cup.
188
00:07:33,561 --> 00:07:35,491
Your s-sin cup?
189
00:07:35,563 --> 00:07:37,993
Oh, you heard that, huh?
190
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:40,366
Well, how about some grape juice
in your sin cup?
191
00:07:40,443 --> 00:07:41,373
No, no
192
00:07:41,444 --> 00:07:42,584
no, no, no.
193
00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:44,158
I got
to keep it clean.
194
00:07:44,239 --> 00:07:45,829
It gots to be clean.
195
00:07:45,907 --> 00:07:47,457
Okay. I'm sorry.
196
00:07:47,534 --> 00:07:48,584
I'll go clean it for you.
197
00:07:48,660 --> 00:07:51,920
Okay. There you go.
198
00:07:51,996 --> 00:07:53,136
All clean.
199
00:07:53,215 --> 00:07:55,965
I'm going to keep it clean
my whole life
200
00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:57,482
'cause I'm going
to heaven.
201
00:07:57,552 --> 00:07:58,592
You sure are,
baby girl.
202
00:07:58,670 --> 00:08:00,090
I'm going to ride
your coattail.
203
00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:01,425
Not like that
little blasphemer.
204
00:08:01,506 --> 00:08:02,926
Come here.
205
00:08:03,007 --> 00:08:03,967
Oh, let's go to heaven.
206
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,864
Heaven.
207
00:08:08,137 --> 00:08:09,437
Oh, that
is a great idea
208
00:08:09,514 --> 00:08:11,944
about keeping
your sin cup clean, Bryana.
209
00:08:12,016 --> 00:08:12,976
I know.
210
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,403
(sighing)
211
00:08:14,477 --> 00:08:16,107
I just wish
we could do something
212
00:08:16,187 --> 00:08:17,487
about Uncle Bernie's cup.
213
00:08:17,564 --> 00:08:19,614
What do you mean?
214
00:08:19,691 --> 00:08:22,631
Well, it's just that he
is such a big, fat sinner.
215
00:08:22,702 --> 00:08:23,492
He is?
216
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,044
Are you kidding?
217
00:08:25,113 --> 00:08:27,793
His sin cup
could be full by Saturday.
218
00:08:27,865 --> 00:08:30,035
What can we do?
219
00:08:30,118 --> 00:08:31,328
( sighing)
220
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:33,341
That is a good question.
221
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:36,223
Let's see what the Bible says,
shall we?
222
00:08:38,501 --> 00:08:40,271
Hmm.
223
00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:45,643
Uncle Bernie, Uncle Bernie
224
00:08:45,651 --> 00:08:47,561
do we have a family Bible?
225
00:08:47,635 --> 00:08:50,135
What happened
to the junior Bible I gave you?
226
00:08:50,221 --> 00:08:51,601
Well, I mean,
I've used that one
227
00:08:51,673 --> 00:08:53,913
and I think I need something
a little bit more meaty.
228
00:08:53,984 --> 00:08:56,494
Praise the Lord.
229
00:09:00,490 --> 00:09:02,080
Here you go,
my ignorant servant.
230
00:09:03,610 --> 00:09:05,540
Oh, this is good.
231
00:09:05,612 --> 00:09:07,122
They call that
"The Good Book."
232
00:09:07,196 --> 00:09:09,246
It sure is.
233
00:09:09,324 --> 00:09:11,674
It sure is.
234
00:09:11,743 --> 00:09:12,623
What do you know, America?
235
00:09:12,694 --> 00:09:14,134
( chuckling)
236
00:09:14,203 --> 00:09:18,383
I planted a seed,
and the tree has grown
237
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:20,808
and that tree
is the tree of knowledge.
238
00:09:20,885 --> 00:09:24,795
And now, that little serpent
is eating the fruit.
239
00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:26,175
Now, wait.
240
00:09:26,257 --> 00:09:27,857
That ain't how it goes.
241
00:09:27,934 --> 00:09:29,894
Well, look at
the important thing
242
00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:31,689
is that I led the boy
to the way
243
00:09:31,763 --> 00:09:33,523
the truth, and the life.
244
00:09:33,598 --> 00:09:36,728
Can I get a "amen"?
Can I get a "amen"?
245
00:09:36,809 --> 00:09:39,039
Amen!
246
00:09:41,105 --> 00:09:43,025
I don't know if we're supposed
to be doing this.
247
00:09:43,107 --> 00:09:44,527
(dramatic sigh)
248
00:09:44,609 --> 00:09:46,409
"And the Lord spake unto Moses
249
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:50,246
that he should separate himself
from wine and strong drinks."
250
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:51,873
Okay.
251
00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:55,173
♪ The only one whocould ever reach me ♪
252
00:09:55,244 --> 00:09:57,714
♪ Was the son of apreacher man ♪
253
00:09:57,789 --> 00:09:59,549
♪ The only one who could ♪
254
00:09:59,624 --> 00:10:01,594
You're doing the
Lord's work here.
255
00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:04,432
You're saving his
soul and his liver.
256
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:07,484
♪ Yeah he was, he was ♪
257
00:10:07,557 --> 00:10:09,057
This is sinful?
258
00:10:09,133 --> 00:10:11,233
Uh-huh. This is vanity,
and that's one
259
00:10:11,302 --> 00:10:12,442
of the seven deadly sins.
260
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:14,232
We got to be extra thorough
in here.
261
00:10:14,305 --> 00:10:16,555
Cast it out.
262
00:10:16,641 --> 00:10:18,581
Now you're sin-busting.
263
00:10:19,769 --> 00:10:21,369
♪ Was the son of apreacher man ♪
264
00:10:21,446 --> 00:10:24,736
Sin. Sin! Sin!
265
00:10:24,816 --> 00:10:26,986
What's that smell?
266
00:10:27,068 --> 00:10:28,368
(sniffing)
267
00:10:28,444 --> 00:10:29,584
Like liquor.
268
00:10:29,654 --> 00:10:31,214
(sniffing)
269
00:10:32,782 --> 00:10:34,842
Johnny Walker.
270
00:10:35,993 --> 00:10:37,593
Black!
271
00:10:39,714 --> 00:10:41,134
Baby girl, what are you doing?
272
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:44,261
Keeping your sin cup clean,
Uncle Bernie.
273
00:10:44,335 --> 00:10:45,585
By ripping up my prize pictures?
274
00:10:45,670 --> 00:10:47,100
This is adultery,
Uncle Bernie.
275
00:10:47,171 --> 00:10:47,931
What?!
276
00:10:48,005 --> 00:10:49,675
I think she means idolatry.
277
00:10:49,757 --> 00:10:51,717
You know,
the worship of false idols.
278
00:10:51,801 --> 00:10:53,941
As in the First Commandment.
279
00:10:54,011 --> 00:10:55,781
Look at this.
280
00:10:56,681 --> 00:10:58,191
Dizzy, Duke...
281
00:10:58,266 --> 00:11:00,606
Why are you throwing away
Dizzy Gillespie?
282
00:11:00,685 --> 00:11:02,065
Because
you call him a god.
283
00:11:02,145 --> 00:11:03,395
That's, um...
284
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:04,533
Blasphemy.
285
00:11:04,605 --> 00:11:05,785
Blassemy.
286
00:11:07,608 --> 00:11:08,448
It was you.
287
00:11:08,526 --> 00:11:09,416
It was you.
288
00:11:09,494 --> 00:11:11,464
No, my hands are
clean, Uncle Bernie.
289
00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:12,938
As clean as your
sin cup is now.
290
00:11:13,014 --> 00:11:15,594
Yeah, okay, okay,
you know what I'm talking about.
291
00:11:15,667 --> 00:11:18,127
You filling baby girl head up
with all that nonsense.
292
00:11:18,202 --> 00:11:20,922
If nonsense you
mean holy scripture, then yes, it's true.
293
00:11:20,997 --> 00:11:22,557
I filled her
with the spirit
294
00:11:22,632 --> 00:11:25,312
and once you get
the Word, you know, you got to spread it.
295
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:29,433
Lord...
296
00:11:29,505 --> 00:11:32,465
I been thy humble servant.
297
00:11:32,550 --> 00:11:35,690
I don't ask for too much, Lord.
298
00:11:35,770 --> 00:11:39,360
But I ask for this one thing:
that you smite the boy
299
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,162
if it be Thy will.
300
00:11:50,702 --> 00:11:53,042
I'm still waiting, Lord.
301
00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:55,712
I don't hear no smiting.
302
00:11:55,782 --> 00:11:58,502
Just a little smite.
303
00:11:58,576 --> 00:12:00,706
Am I the new Job?
304
00:12:00,787 --> 00:12:02,707
What's next for me, Lord?
305
00:12:02,789 --> 00:12:05,049
A plague of locusts?
306
00:12:05,124 --> 00:12:07,434
I just planted that lawn.
307
00:12:07,502 --> 00:12:10,182
What's that I'm feeling, Lord?
308
00:12:10,254 --> 00:12:12,184
Is that a boil?
309
00:12:12,256 --> 00:12:14,176
I've got boils, Father.
310
00:12:14,258 --> 00:12:15,458
Where am I going to go
311
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:18,185
get boil grease
this time of night?
312
00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:21,610
BERNIE:
Hey, man.
313
00:12:21,682 --> 00:12:22,732
Let me tell you something.
314
00:12:22,809 --> 00:12:25,229
That was some show
you put on this evening.
315
00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:28,031
All of that Bible quoting
and that versifying.
316
00:12:28,105 --> 00:12:29,445
I was really impressed.
317
00:12:29,524 --> 00:12:31,164
Yeah, I was good,
wasn't I?
318
00:12:31,234 --> 00:12:33,084
Man, you got a gift.
319
00:12:33,152 --> 00:12:34,872
I could tell you want
to serve the Lord.
320
00:12:34,946 --> 00:12:36,246
Oh, I do, Uncle Bernie. I do.
321
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:37,552
You know, I-I knew that.
322
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:38,924
That's why I arranged for you
323
00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:40,831
to spend two hours after class
324
00:12:40,910 --> 00:12:42,290
every day with Father Cronin
325
00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:44,250
doing odd jobs
around the chapel.
326
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:46,090
But I don't want
to work in the chapel.
327
00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:47,415
Oh, Jordan, come on, man.
328
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,764
You can't hide your light
behind a bushel.
329
00:12:49,836 --> 00:12:50,886
You got to let it shine.
330
00:12:50,962 --> 00:12:51,942
Let it shine.
331
00:12:52,013 --> 00:12:53,163
That's right.
332
00:12:53,239 --> 00:12:55,099
Like silver, brass
or a candlestick.
333
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,308
It'd be a lot
for you to shine, too.
334
00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:58,535
Oh, joy.
335
00:12:58,620 --> 00:13:00,940
Both of us,
let's praise the Lord!
336
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,437
All I did was read the Bible.
337
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:04,065
You can't punish me for that.
338
00:13:04,141 --> 00:13:05,741
Son, it's not a punishment.
339
00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:06,729
It's a reward.
340
00:13:06,811 --> 00:13:07,901
Eternal reward.
341
00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:09,323
Yes, sir.
342
00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:10,947
Now, I could punish you.
343
00:13:11,023 --> 00:13:12,873
Only if you did something wrong.
344
00:13:12,942 --> 00:13:15,082
Now, let me ask you
something, Jordan.
345
00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:17,116
You didn't do anything
wrong, did you?
346
00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:18,786
( grunting)
347
00:13:18,865 --> 00:13:20,865
Yeah.
348
00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:22,040
You see that?
349
00:13:22,118 --> 00:13:23,228
It's true what they say.
350
00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:24,792
The Lord help those who help...
351
00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:25,671
( loud rolling thunder)
352
00:13:25,746 --> 00:13:26,996
...themselves.
353
00:13:27,081 --> 00:13:29,181
( rumbling continues)
354
00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:33,137
Okay?
355
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:46,440
Hey, baby girl.
356
00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:47,861
Where's your Uncle Bernie?
357
00:13:47,935 --> 00:13:49,435
In the backyard.
358
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:50,784
Perfect.
359
00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:52,235
Yeah, Aunt Wanda
went a little crazy
360
00:13:52,315 --> 00:13:54,275
and bought four pairs
of darling shoes.
361
00:13:54,358 --> 00:13:55,948
I have to get them
to the closet
362
00:13:56,027 --> 00:13:57,287
before your uncle sees.
363
00:13:59,822 --> 00:14:01,792
( humming)
364
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,010
( whistles)
365
00:14:04,085 --> 00:14:05,175
Hey, baby.
366
00:14:05,253 --> 00:14:06,673
Hey.
Where were you?
367
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:07,966
Oh.
368
00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:09,667
I just ran to the market.
369
00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:10,799
No, you didn't.
370
00:14:10,875 --> 00:14:11,795
You bought some new shoes.
371
00:14:11,876 --> 00:14:13,336
Bryana.
372
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,553
Well, you got to tell the truth,
Aunt Wanda.
373
00:14:15,630 --> 00:14:17,480
Before you get a sin
in your cup.
374
00:14:20,259 --> 00:14:22,139
Bernie, you're going
to have to talk
375
00:14:22,219 --> 00:14:23,859
to that little Mother Teresa.
376
00:14:29,143 --> 00:14:31,073
Hey! What are
you doing?
377
00:14:31,145 --> 00:14:32,235
Stop, you little brat!
378
00:14:32,313 --> 00:14:33,703
I'm going to kill you!
379
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:34,697
BERNIE:
Hey! Let go.
380
00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:35,824
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
381
00:14:35,900 --> 00:14:36,820
Baby girl, stop it.
382
00:14:36,835 --> 00:14:37,825
What's going on here?
383
00:14:37,902 --> 00:14:39,082
She ripped up my book report.
384
00:14:39,153 --> 00:14:40,373
She's the one
385
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:42,006
that's working on a Sunday.
386
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,511
That's the Lord's day.
387
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:46,383
Listen, what your sister does
ain't got no concern of yours.
388
00:14:46,461 --> 00:14:49,711
But Jordan said we all have
to be our brother's keepers.
389
00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:51,049
You know what?
390
00:14:51,123 --> 00:14:52,133
Your brother
a false prophet.
391
00:14:52,208 --> 00:14:54,048
You just worry
about your own sin cup.
392
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,520
My sin cup is always empty.
393
00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:58,015
You're the ones
with dirty sin cups.
394
00:14:58,097 --> 00:15:00,387
Okay, this has
gone far enough.
395
00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:02,526
I just want all of us to go
to heaven together
396
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,902
because I'll be lonely up there
by myself.
397
00:15:06,180 --> 00:15:07,730
Can I go pray now?
398
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:09,817
Go and pray.
399
00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:13,525
( door slamming)
400
00:15:13,604 --> 00:15:15,544
Okay, Bernie, you've got
to put a stop to this.
401
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:16,905
I know.
402
00:15:16,983 --> 00:15:18,613
I am sick of her.
403
00:15:18,684 --> 00:15:21,204
I was putting on lip gloss,
and she called me Jezebel.
404
00:15:21,278 --> 00:15:22,658
Lip gloss.
Where you get lip gloss?
405
00:15:22,738 --> 00:15:23,868
WANDA:
Bernie, baby
406
00:15:23,948 --> 00:15:25,038
this is serious.
407
00:15:25,116 --> 00:15:26,326
Where is it?
408
00:15:26,409 --> 00:15:28,929
( organ music playing)
409
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:37,762
Chapel hours are
from 12:00 to 3:00, sir.
410
00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:38,887
You'll have to leave.
411
00:15:38,963 --> 00:15:39,933
No exceptions.
412
00:15:40,006 --> 00:15:41,136
Look here, Jordan
413
00:15:41,215 --> 00:15:42,925
I want you to
get your stuff and come on home
414
00:15:43,009 --> 00:15:44,269
and fix your sister.
415
00:15:44,343 --> 00:15:45,603
I want you to undo
the evil that you done.
416
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,652
Oh, is there a problem at home?
417
00:15:47,722 --> 00:15:49,942
Oh, I think I heard about that.
418
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:51,736
It's just I'm so rarely there.
419
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:53,378
Why, I hear you.
420
00:15:53,461 --> 00:15:55,111
Get your stuff, and
your punishment is off.
421
00:15:55,187 --> 00:15:57,367
You swear?
422
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:00,708
I swear.
423
00:16:02,319 --> 00:16:04,289
On this?
424
00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:06,593
Jordan, don't push it.
425
00:16:14,790 --> 00:16:17,300
Now, listen I
don't want her faith broken
426
00:16:17,376 --> 00:16:19,386
because baby girl
believes, okay?
427
00:16:19,462 --> 00:16:20,892
She's not a
heathen like you.
428
00:16:20,963 --> 00:16:21,853
You understand?
429
00:16:21,922 --> 00:16:22,972
( grunts)
430
00:16:23,049 --> 00:16:24,269
What's the plan?
431
00:16:24,341 --> 00:16:25,681
( sighs)
432
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:29,190
The problem, as I see it,
Bryana has to fall from grace.
433
00:16:29,263 --> 00:16:30,613
How are we going
to do that?
434
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,980
We're going to go
to the first page
435
00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:35,739
of the Devil's playbook:
436
00:16:35,811 --> 00:16:38,121
temptation.
437
00:16:38,197 --> 00:16:40,317
As the Bible says
438
00:16:40,399 --> 00:16:43,489
"Let he who is without sin
cast the first stone."
439
00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:45,659
Now, if Bryana has a sin...
440
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:47,668
She can't go
around throwig stones at us.
441
00:16:47,749 --> 00:16:49,789
Bingo.
442
00:16:49,867 --> 00:16:50,997
Everyone sins.
443
00:16:51,077 --> 00:16:52,167
Everyone wins.
444
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,678
Now, here's the plan.
445
00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:56,144
Okay...
446
00:16:56,215 --> 00:16:58,335
WANDA:
Okay, gang, listen up.
447
00:16:58,417 --> 00:17:00,337
I don't want you
to eat these apples.
448
00:17:00,419 --> 00:17:01,969
These are for after dinner
tonight.
449
00:17:02,046 --> 00:17:04,146
You got me?
450
00:17:04,223 --> 00:17:06,523
Oh, God, do
those apples smell good!
451
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:08,142
Oh, they look good, too.
452
00:17:08,153 --> 00:17:10,353
I bet they taste
even better.
453
00:17:10,429 --> 00:17:12,769
There's only one
way to find out.
454
00:17:12,848 --> 00:17:13,958
No, you can't.
455
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,483
Aunt Wanda said
we're not supposed to.
456
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:17,113
Oh, I can't resist.
457
00:17:17,186 --> 00:17:18,316
Neither can I.
458
00:17:18,395 --> 00:17:19,735
BERNIE:
Mm.
459
00:17:19,814 --> 00:17:22,544
No!
460
00:17:36,163 --> 00:17:37,393
( loud munching)
461
00:17:42,336 --> 00:17:43,466
Oh, no.
462
00:17:43,546 --> 00:17:44,686
Bryana, you bit the apple?
463
00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:46,854
JORDAN:
Oh, no. She wouldn't do that.
464
00:17:46,924 --> 00:17:49,354
Then she'd have a sin
in her sin cup.
465
00:17:49,426 --> 00:17:50,816
Baby girl.
466
00:17:53,305 --> 00:17:55,145
Hold on, baby girl.
Hold on, now.
467
00:17:55,224 --> 00:17:56,904
I sinned.
468
00:17:56,910 --> 00:18:00,070
( sobbing)
469
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,400
Uh-oh.
470
00:18:02,481 --> 00:18:04,671
(door slams)
471
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:06,992
I sinned.
472
00:18:07,069 --> 00:18:08,159
My cup is dirty.
473
00:18:08,237 --> 00:18:09,487
My sin cup is dirty.
474
00:18:09,563 --> 00:18:11,583
Now I'm going to hell
with all of you.
475
00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:13,327
Sweetheart, you're not
going to hell.
476
00:18:13,409 --> 00:18:14,709
Nobody's going
to hell, okay?
477
00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:15,669
But I sin.
478
00:18:15,744 --> 00:18:17,264
We all sin, sweetheart.
479
00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:19,421
That's we ask the Lord
to forgive us for our sins.
480
00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:21,048
But my sin cup
is not clean.
481
00:18:21,125 --> 00:18:22,295
Yes, it is.
482
00:18:22,376 --> 00:18:24,426
Sweetheart, when you ask
the Lord to forgive you
483
00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:26,773
he forgive you for your sin,
and your cup is clean.
484
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,654
I didn't want a sin in my cup.
485
00:18:29,725 --> 00:18:31,775
I wanted it to stay clean.
486
00:18:34,221 --> 00:18:35,191
You see that?
487
00:18:35,264 --> 00:18:37,024
It's all your fault.
488
00:18:37,099 --> 00:18:38,359
It was his fault.
489
00:18:38,434 --> 00:18:40,784
Taking the Lord's name
in vain.
490
00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:42,243
Using the Bible
491
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,282
like it's some kind
of terrorist manual.
492
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:47,450
There just ain't no hope
for that boy.
493
00:18:47,526 --> 00:18:50,616
And now we lost baby girl.
494
00:18:50,696 --> 00:18:54,116
JORDAN:
"This then is a message which we have heard of him
495
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,210
and declare to you.
496
00:18:55,284 --> 00:18:56,504
That God is light
497
00:18:56,577 --> 00:18:59,127
and in Him is no darkness
at all.
498
00:18:59,205 --> 00:19:00,585
If we confess our sins
499
00:19:00,664 --> 00:19:03,424
He is faithful and just
to forgive us."
500
00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:05,180
What does
that mean?
501
00:19:05,252 --> 00:19:06,802
It means, all you have to say is
502
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,143
"I'm sorry, Jesus,"
and He'll forgive you.
503
00:19:09,215 --> 00:19:11,015
Really?
Yeah.
504
00:19:11,091 --> 00:19:13,691
Watch.
505
00:19:15,262 --> 00:19:18,612
This is my sin cup.
506
00:19:18,682 --> 00:19:20,942
It's not as full I
thought it would be.
507
00:19:21,018 --> 00:19:23,188
Right.
508
00:19:23,270 --> 00:19:26,610
Now, all I have to do is
confess my sins like this.
509
00:19:26,690 --> 00:19:28,950
"Bless me father
for I have sinned.
510
00:19:29,026 --> 00:19:31,576
It's been a week
since my last confession
511
00:19:31,654 --> 00:19:33,664
and I have burned
countless ants.
512
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:35,799
I just cannot seem
to stop myself.
513
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:38,165
I have tried
to make cotton candy
514
00:19:38,244 --> 00:19:39,554
in the clothes dryer.
515
00:19:39,629 --> 00:19:41,999
And I think
I've ruined some clothes.
516
00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:43,711
And especially forgive me
517
00:19:43,791 --> 00:19:46,051
for hurting Uncle Bernie's
feelings
518
00:19:46,126 --> 00:19:47,556
and ruining his stuff.
519
00:19:47,637 --> 00:19:49,507
And I also made fun
of the Bible.
520
00:19:49,588 --> 00:19:51,108
I shouldn't have done that.
521
00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:53,427
And then there's that thing
I did last week.
522
00:19:53,509 --> 00:19:55,179
That's still going on."
523
00:19:55,261 --> 00:19:56,441
Then
524
00:19:56,512 --> 00:19:58,782
I take my sin cup like this.
525
00:20:03,352 --> 00:20:06,332
And all my sins are washed away.
526
00:20:06,405 --> 00:20:10,155
Here, this can be
your sin cup now.
527
00:20:10,234 --> 00:20:12,704
It's nice and clean.
528
00:20:12,778 --> 00:20:13,988
So, God knows
I'm sorry?
529
00:20:14,071 --> 00:20:17,841
BERNIE: Baby girl
God knows everything.
530
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:21,177
So, does He know
I want another candy apple?
531
00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:24,508
Somewhere deep down
in that boy's soul
532
00:20:24,581 --> 00:20:26,351
he knows the right way to go.
533
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:30,386
Y'all pray for me, America,
and I appreciate it.
534
00:20:30,471 --> 00:20:33,061
Now I can relax a little.
535
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:34,392
Ah!
536
00:20:34,466 --> 00:20:36,386
Oh, yeah.
537
00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:39,522
You see, Jesus turned water
into wine.
538
00:20:39,596 --> 00:20:42,736
Now I'm going to turn this wine
back into water.
539
00:20:43,851 --> 00:20:44,941
Mm.
540
00:20:45,019 --> 00:20:46,109
America...
541
00:20:46,186 --> 00:20:47,246
cut the camera off.
542
00:20:50,149 --> 00:20:56,409
♪ Je--sus ♪
543
00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:57,632
Sing with me now.
544
00:21:01,910 --> 00:21:08,270
♪ Will I find peace ♪
545
00:21:09,877 --> 00:21:11,587
♪ In the end ♪
546
00:21:11,670 --> 00:21:14,150
You at home,
y'all sing with me.
547
00:21:14,223 --> 00:21:16,643
Pull your chair up.
548
00:21:16,651 --> 00:21:17,771
If you're in the bed,
and you got one leg
549
00:21:17,843 --> 00:21:19,313
hop to the television.
550
00:21:19,386 --> 00:21:20,346
(crew laughing)
551
00:21:20,363 --> 00:21:22,613
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
552
00:21:22,663 --> 00:21:27,213
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