Original subtitles

America, Bernie Mac is a connoisseur.

See, I've learned to appreciate the finer things in life.

Like this cigar.

See, this is a Musashi--

the finest Indian cigar money can buy

and I got eight more boxes just aging in my humidor.

You know what?

I got a 30-year-old port aging in my wine cellar

and somewhere in France

there's some cheese aging in a goat

waiting for my imported cracker.

That's right, America, Bernie Mac loves the good life

and you know what?

How sweet it is.

That's my boy, Jackie.

Jackie Gleason.

Bran flakes, oat flakes...

Hey, baby, where the good cereals?

The sweet lucky stuff, where's that at?

They're up top two inches past Jordan's reach.

Hey, baby, that's nice.

Real nice.

(shoulder cracks) Oh!

Your shoulder acting up again, old man?

"Old man" ain't got nothing to do with it.

It's a boxing injury.

If you doled out the type of punch

that this drill doled out

your shoulder would be bothering you, too.

You really should see a doctor.

I saw Dr. Spellman the other day.

Bernie, you went to the Dodger game with him.

If he didn't think I looked good

he would have said something.

Wanda, they take an oath.

You're 45 years old.

You should be getting

regular physicals anyway.

Okay.

I'll meet you halfway.

Okay.

I'll get a massage.

By a licensed masseuse.

( chuckling)

( general conversation and laughter)

Here you go.

Go ahead, baby, I'll... ow, ow, ow.

Come on, Wanda.

What? They're right here.

Reach for them.

Yeah, I get 'em.

( laughter)

Ha... ha-ha, ha.

First blood, baby, first blood.

If you had a chronic shoulder problem

wouldn't you go to the doctor?

Stop, Wanda.

Yes, most definitely.

Bernie, you really should go to the doctor.

Might be a whole mess of things wrong with you, man.

They might even find some things you don't even know about.

That's why I'm not going.

Exactly. Look here, man.

Ain't nothing wrong with my boy.

Pound for pound, Bernie Mac

is the healthiest man up in here.

And you know that.

I don't go to the doctor.

Chuy, you don't go

to the doctor because you don't have any health insurance.

I don't need health insurance 'cause I don't go to the doctor.

( laughter)

Uh, Jerry, you're his manager.

What do you think?

You know what, Wanda? I'd really...

I'd prefer not to get in the middle of this.

Thank you. Don't be pulling him

into our business.

You just bring pork rinds and leave.

Do your duty and go, baby.

But he's your client.

Isn't it in your best interests

to make sure that he's healthy?

Well, yes, that's...

You know what, Wanda?

I'm really not down with doctors.

Now, see?

That being said, I know of a really good doctor.

He's the doctor for the Lakers.

That sounds good, man, that sounds good.

Whoa-whoa-whoa.

Is this Shaq and Kobe's doctor

or are we talking about

bench-warmer, second string, straight garbage time

lucky-to-have- a-ring

Samaki Walker doc?

Yeah, yeah-- Dr. Bombay.

Um, "A," calm down

and "B," he's the doctor for the whole team.

Very well, you can go.

All right.

I'm going to go, but to the Lakers' doctor

'cause this is a sports injury anyway.

Now, you fine?

You satisfied?

Now, look what you started.

Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you.

W-Wh-Where the hot sauce, Wanda?

It's walking away.

Yeah, Doc, you know, it hurts

right on the top of my shoulder

but, like, when I'm popping a jab-- bam, bam-- it's okay.

But this roundhouse...

right there, man.

I can't get around like... w-what you doing?

What you doing, I said?!

What you getting ready to do?!

-Hmm. -Hmm.

Bernie, I'm a little concerned about more than your shoulder.

I'd like to do a few tests.

What type of tests?!

Well... all of them.

What? Now, would you

uh, please put this on?

Yeah, Doc, I'm going to put it on

but w-what's happening?

Everything's going to be all right. You're fine; you'll

Hey-ee!

Mr. Mac, you're basically in good health.

Would you say I'm in great athletic health?

Sure, uh, but...

Thank you, Doc. I knew it, boy.

See, I told my wife Wanda wasn't nothing wrong with me

but she thinks something wrong with me.

Well, you do have high cholesterol

which could lead to heart attack and stroke.

What?

Heart attack and a stroke?!

America, what kind of bull is this?

Looking at my cholesterol.

He's supposed to be looking at my shoulder.

Damn doctors.

They always poking around where they don't belong

and telling you things you don't want to know.

If I want to hear about a heart attack

I would have gone to a heart attack doctor.

Well, no need to worry.

It can be controlled entirely through diet and exercise.

Always looking where you got no...

What about my shoulder? Oh, that.

Well, you'll need surgery at some point.

You'll know when.

Damn doctors. Go to see a doctor...

Always looking where you... If I came here about my shoulder.

Looking.

Hey, baby, how'd it go?

How do you think it went, Wanda?

I'm laying up in the doctor's office

with a paper dress on with my secret hanging out.

And I'ma tell you something.

I didn't see not one good Laker.

Only Laker I saw was that Slavo Medvedenko.

Then no quack sport doctor

going to tell me I got high cholesterol.

Wanda, I hope you're happy.

Couldn't let me live in my ignorance, could you?

You're a player hater, that's all...

Ow!

Oh...

Now, come on.

Come on, let me love you.

Come on.

Let me love you.

Hug me.

Hug me.

My back hurt a little bit, too, Wanda.

I know. I got you.

High cholesterol, America.

I'm talking about the little "C."

They call it "the silent killer"

'cause it quietly accumulate in your blood

clogging up all your arteries until one day, pow, it kills you

and you never even know you had it.

Oh, let me tell you, it's terrible.

And the only worse thing is when you do know you have it

'cause your busybody little wife

stuck her fat nose in your business!

Thank you, baby!

I hope someday I can return the favor!

I can't wait till she asks me if the jeans are too tight.

I can't wait.

Huh.

Mmm.

Guilt.

You got to go sometime.

I might as well go full.

You know, Bernie

high cholesterol is very manageable.

One of those pamphlets even has a recipe

for low cholesterol mac and cheese.

Don't care about no recipe.

I got my own.

It's Mac eating cheese.

Wanda

mine's different.

It's oat bran, honey.

Very healthy.

Wanda, don't tell me nothing about no "healthy."

This here--

this, this mine, all mine.

This my business.

I'll run this.

Mm-hmm. And you "runs it" to Royal Burger

every chance you get.

Oh...!

Aren't you afraid you're going to keel over one day

with a hamburger in one hand

and a large French fry in the other?

Baby, let it be written.

In the meantime, I want my sausage and eggs.

There aren't any more.

Yeah?

Hey!

Hey, those are mine! Back off, back off!

♪♪

♪ Baby, when I found out you were lying ♪

♪ Playing around and conniving ♪

♪ Undesired tears I was crying ♪

♪ Cause sugar coated lies I was buying ♪

♪ I was just a backseat driver in a car of love ♪

♪ Going wherever you take me ♪

♪ Don't know why I put up with the pain ♪

♪ Cause nobody else could make me ♪

Why don't you just eat a whole pig?

When did you start caring?

I don't.

Aunt Wanda told me to.

Uncle Bernie, are you trying to have a stroke?

Did she say that?

She said you were trying your best.

Get him, get him.

Get him, get...

Ah!

( pretending to sneeze)

You did that on purpose.

I didn't, I swear; I'm allergic.

To what?

To fat people.

( chortling)

This is wrong.

This is wrong.

My family acting like I'm one of those guys

you got to move with a crane or bury in a piano crate.

I'm just a normal person

with perfectly normal eating habits

just like everyone else.

When you're in your basement relaxing, looking at movies

you got treats, and if... oh, wrong side.

You got treats and stuff like that.

It ain't no harm.

You want something, you get your own.

Business side...

pleasure.

Bidness.

( oinking)

Oh, okay.

So, I'm a pig now.

Oink-oink, ha-ha. Okay.

We'll see who gets slaughtered, though.

( chuckling)

♪ ♪

Smells good.

Hope you enjoy it.

You think I ain't?

Hey, big fella.

And I got cheese

inside the crust.

Come on, gang, dig in.

What's wrong with y'all?

You know, I'm not really feeling like pizza tonight.

What? Yeah.

Maybe we could just have a nice salad

with some light dressing.

No, I like mine dry.

Yeah, man, and you know

for dessert, you know

we could, like, have some carrot sticks

and some raisins.

( everybody agreeing)

Man, what the hell y'all talking about...?

Wanda got to y'all, didn't she?

No one got to us. We love carrot sticks.

Oh, yeah-- "C" sticks? They're off-the-heezy.

Fo' cheesy.

Y'all a bunch of Benedict Arnolds, man.

Y'all selling me right down the river.

Hey, man, look, man, now, Bernie

now, you know you ain't supposed

to be eating this kind of stuff, man.

Big fella, I know you ain't judging me.

See, you're just lashing out.

You know, anger is a sign

that you have a problem.

Problem.

Big fella, dig this here.

Man, you tight as bad drawers.

But if you don't give me back my pizza

we're going to have a discrepancy.

That's some lashing out, man.

Did you see that, America?

You all saw what she did.

She went behind my back and ruined my poker game.

She even got to my best man, my big fella.

Now all my homeboys are turning their back on me because of her.

I'm going to tell y'all a little secret, America.

Two years ago, Wanda was getting a little hippy.

I didn't say nothing.

I just respected her fat ass.

I didn't run over to the office to tell her coworkers

to hide the Krispy Kremes.

Well, now I'm telling everybody.

It's out now.

'Cause Bernie Mac is mad.

Talking about carrot sticks.

People need to mind their business.

♪ ♪

(foot steps)

♪ ♪

( crunching)

Hey, hey. Hey, baby.

You want a French fry?

That's it.

I give up.

What y'all looking at?

Can't a man eat in peace?

Cut the camera off.

♪ ♪

MAN: Hey!

Hey, what are you doing in my trash?

Go shopping someplace else.

What's the matter with you?

Hey, Don. Why don't you get your own trash?

What are you doing in my trash?

I'm just throwing away a little trash, Don.

That's, that's all.

Yeah, well, why don't you use your own trash?

The truth is, Don, I've got a bunch of busybodies over there.

They bugging me about my high cholesterol.

I don't want to give them no ammo.

Oh, you got the high cholesterol problem.

Yup.

You know, that's a, that's a silent killer.

I got it, too.

What?

-Yeah, yeah. -No kidding?

Yeah, I do. I got.

Wow. What do you do about it?

-Nothing. -What?

Bernie, you know what the biggest killer in America is?

-No. -Stress.

Yeah.

Some people think it's a bullet, you know

but I don't like to get in specific ethnic groups.

There's no place in my life

for stress.

I mean, life is too short.

I only think of happy things and I deny myself nothing.

But on the other hand

you got to loosen up, Bernie.

You got to loosen up.

I noticed another thing, too.

Your shoulders. You're always tightness in the shoulders.

When you walk

you look like a fist.

I mean, I don't know what it is with you

but, uh, I look at you and I need a massage.

Oh, stop it.

Yeah, man.

You're, you're in bad shape.

I'm a friend. Get a checkup. Ooh.

Walk away, you need help.

Thank you.

This guy isn't going to live for another week. Tops.

A week, he gone, it's over.

Did you hear that, America?

That guy made good sense.

I mean, 75 years old and still going strong.

That's living proof his theory still works.

See, you bring down the stress

you bring down the blood pressure.

Well, America, that's it.

I'm going to tell Wanda.

Now who can reject that kind of wisdom, huh?

WANDA: So, you're just going to give up

on everything the doctor told you to do?

The hell with that doctor.

He's a sports doctor anyway.

He could even fix the click in my arm.

Listen.

( no noise)

Well, it'll come back.

He can't fix, he ain't fixed it.

You're pathetic, Bernie.

Pathetic.

I'm pathetic?

That's a stress-inducing thing to say to somebody.

But I'm going to walk it off.

You know why?

For you, Wanda.

'Cause I love you. That's right.

I want to live.

See, I don't want to spend the rest of my life...

People popping every day.

You read the paper, you hear it on the news.

Pop go the weasel, to the weasel go pop.

But you take a look at me.

See this?

That's my back.

And my ass.

That's the last thing you'll see.

Pretty sweet, huh, America?

Now, see, she the one that told me to go to the doctor.

Now, how could she get made at me if I got a second opinion?

Now I got a good thing going.

No stress, no mess.

I really should thank Don for this.

( doorbell chimes)

Hey, Don.

Interested in 20 years?

Oh, what about the high cholesterol?

You're starting to stress me out, Don.

Oh, I wouldn't want to do that.

I'll get the tumblers.

Good. I want to hear some stories.

♪♪

I don't feel too good.

The lox and the pizza don't agree with me, Don.

Well, you knew it was going to be a long shot.

Look at this.

Don, it's going on 9:00 on a Friday night.

You know, I'd be playing poker right now with the boys

had Wanda not turned them into a bunch of AL sevens?

I don't know what that means

but if you want to play poker, I'll call my fellas.

(laughing)

(coughing)

You're nobody.

(coughing)

Turn up the oxygen, put out the cigar.

Old buzz kill's

got to breath.

Screw...

(wheezes)

...you.

(laughing)

Uh, Don, I'm serious, is he going to be all right?

Yeah.

But he's not.

Frank?

Frank?

Frank!

Oh, Lord!

Wow, Don...

I really liked Frank, man.

He was a good man.

Yeah, Frank was a good fella.

He was falling apart.

He used to take 36 pills a day.

Could you imagine, 36 pills a day?

Wow, 36, huh?

Seems like he was taking care of himself to me.

Yeah, but he was only supposed to take three pills.

Oh.

Had no short-term memory. That's what killed him.

Yeah, nobody to look after him.

Nobody to help him remember.

That's, that's the way it goes.

Look at you, Don.

You're all alone.

You take good care of yourself, you look good.

I'm taking care of myself

but, you know, if you were living with a woman for 60 years

who was always nagging you...

Mm.

I mean, it's like

she made good health a bad habit.

Oh, it was murder with this woman.

Couldn't drink, couldn't smoke

couldn't do anything.

Boy, I,

I tell you, I...

I miss her.

Yeah.

I miss her.

Hmm. Can you believe it?

Sweetheart.

Hey, baby.

I'll see you soon.

I love you.

How about that Don?

You know, he's even wiser than I thought.

You know what, America?

They say if you don't have your health you ain't got nothing.

But the truth is, you ain't got nothing

if you don't have no one to worry about your health.

And I got that.

Hi, honey.

Hey, baby.

Wow...

Sorry about your friend, baby.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I want to say I'm sorry to you, too.

Oh?

Wanda, I realize you've been doing everything for me.

And I want you to know I really appreciate it.

Even though I don't like the food.

(chuckles)

But, you know, the last thing I want to do

is to be facedown in a plate of nachos before my time.

You mean it, honey?

Do I mean it?

You watch me.

I'm going to do harder.

Give me one of them pamphlets.

Let me see.

So I was reading and they have a recipe in here

for low cholesterol chocolate cake.

Don't taste bad, huh?

I don't think so,

because all they're doing is substituting the sugar

for, um, honey and apple sauce.

And we can do a little few test cakes

and see what happens.

I love you.

Love you, too, honey.

WANDA: Okay, presweetened

buckwheat pancake.

You don't need you syrup or butter.

All natural.

This looks really delicious.

BERNIE: Yeah.

You really going to eat this stuff?

I'll get the syrup when she leaves.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

(chuckling)

Buckwheat, huh?

Yes, honey.

And I threw the syrup out.

Fine.

Where did you throw it out at, baby?

Baby.

Sweetheart, I'll... I'll see you soon.

You count on it.

I'm going to be with her, Bernie. Stand back.

I'm going to be with her, baby. Stand back.

I'm with you, honey.

We'll even sleep in the same bed.

What a treat.

God bless, babe.

I'll be with her, Bernie.

Stand back.

In the meantime, why don't you and I go out

and look for some broads?

Let's move on.

Okay.

So long.

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0