Original subtitles

Hey, you see, Thanksgiving's a time for sharing

and a time for family.

But most importantly, it's a time for turkey.

(turkey gobbing)

That's right.

And Bernie Mac is what you'd call a "turkophile."

From the Greek.

That's a lover of flightless birds.

( chuckling)

Yeah, but anyway, uh, but on Thanksgiving

I'm presented with a problem.

Not enough turkey for Bernie Mac.

And, see, those kids--

they eat like a school of piranha.

They can skeletonize a bird

before I can even pour the gravy on it.

But this Thanksgiving, I have the perfect solution.

Big Mac.

That's his name.

You going to eat that whole turkey by yourself?

Baby, I wasn't planning on it, but better nobody else eat it.

That's my personal turkey.

Uh, baby, isn't Thanksgiving

about sharing?

Well, it's possible.

Mmm.

But the only reason

the Pilgrims was willing to share with the Indians

because they was casing the joint.

♪ Take it from me ♪

♪ Someday we all be free... ♪

♪ ...Silver button, buttons, buttons ♪

♪ All down her back, back, back.♪

♪ Take it from me ♪

♪ Someday we all be free... ♪

♪ ...Elephants, elephants, elephant♪

♪ Jump the fence, fence, fence.♪

♪ Take it from me ♪

♪ Someday... ♪

♪ ...All dressed in black, black, black ♪

♪ With silver b... ♪

♪ With silver buttons, buttons, buttons ♪

♪ All down her back, back, back ♪

♪ All dressed in black, black, black ♪

♪ With silver buttons, buttons, buttons ♪

♪ All down her back, back, back ♪

♪ She asked her mother, mother, mother ♪

♪ For 50 cents, cents, cents ♪

♪ To see the elephants, elephants, elephants ♪

♪ Jump the fence, fence, fence ♪

♪ They jumped so high, high, high ♪

♪ They never came back, back, back... ♪

( wild yell)

(girls screaming)

JORDAN: (whining) Give it back! It's mine! Give it back.

Hey, hey, hey!

Boy, you better get away from my personal turkey.

( wild screech)

Damn savages.

(mumbling)

Oh, thank you, Lord.

Ugh, watching you eat

was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

The most disgusting thing I ever seen

was sitting over there watching your brother eat

with no drawers on.

Hey, I'm just keepin' it real.

Keepin' it real nasty, too.

( grunting, and stomach rumbling)

Oh, honey, that's not sexy.

Why don't you put that thing away?

Baby, I'm about to put away some pie.

That's what I'm gon' put away.

( grunting and stomach rumbling)

Uncle Bernie

your tummy sound loud.

It's the sound of satisfaction, baby girl.

That's all it is.

Mmm.

( ominous rumbling)

( gagging and retching)

Oh, Lord!

( groaning)

Something not sitting right.

I bet it was my baby pie.

Oh!

America...

this isn't good.

It's like I been awakened by some ancient evil.

An intestinal demon.

It's not no sweet potato pain.

I think it was my turkey.

That bird must have been rotten when I bought it

because I know I was careful.

Besides, I been cooking turkey before J.J. call 'em "jive."

It had to be a bad bird.

Unless...

Hey, boys, could you pull up frame 8-19-25?

Pull it up for me.

JORDAN: My tomahawk!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Boy, you better get away from my personal turkey.

( screeching)

Hoodlum!

Yeah, t-that's it. Yeah.

Now we getting somewhere.

Now, magnify right quadrant.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Sabotage.

Skunks.

Skunks.

Oh, I'm sorry, America.

I was hoping I'd be feeling a little better

but it's gotten worse.

I spent the better part of the day just giving back.

You know what I mean.

I'd kill those kids if I wasn't so sick

but I can't even move.

This is supposed to be a day of thanks.

If those kids would leave me alone just to watch football

I'd be mighty grateful.

Mighty grateful.

ANNOUNCER: ...and shakes a tackler.

He's at the 35, the 25...

( sighs)

Caught from behind; is inside the 15 yard line.

Ty Law came from the other side of the field...

I just got to close my eyes for just a few minutes.

ANNOUNCER #2: What happens in the game

when you only have a couple of days to get prepared for it

it's easy to catch the other team...

( cartoon music plays)

What do you think you're doing?

I'm watching cartoons.

You sure are bold.

First you mess with my turkey

now you're messing with my football.

I didn't mess with your turkey.

You did mess with my turkey!

I saw you, Chief Little Bare Ass.

Now for the rest of the holiday, you and the rest of the kids--

I don't want to be bothered with you, you understand?

Matter of fact, go on, get on out of here.

You...

Playing with you all...

ANNOUNCER: It's going to get you

the eight yards or the six yard you need to...

( cartoon music plays)

What the...?

Jordan?

Jordan?

Jordan!

I know you... Where are you, Jordan?

In here.

Jordan?

What you doing in there, boy?

Jordan.

You come out of there.

I guess you have to watch cartoons now.

Boy, you better give me...

( screams)

(mumbles)

Hey, I'm in Cartoon Land.

-Aha, gotcha! -No!

( panting)

( screams)

( grunts)

Look at that, America; good as new.

That didn't bother him a bit, and why should it?

It's cartoon violence

and cartoon violence never hurt nobody.

It just makes people laugh.

Well, would you like me to make you laugh, America?

Come join me.

( creaking footsteps)

Shh... now, be very, very quiet.

I'm hunting jive turkey.

Where is that jive turkey?

( evil laugh)

Aha! ( gunshot)

Whoa!

Yeah.

Oh, Lord!

Time to prepare my Thanksgiving feast.

( screaming)

( popping)

Mmm, you look good enough to eat.

Time to put you in the oven.

Oops, almost forgot to clean out the giblets.

( screaming)

We'll keep these for later.

They'll make tasty gravy.

All right, in you go.

( humming)

( timer dings)

Ah, it's done.

Now it's time to carve the bird.

( saw buzzing)

( laughs)

Come back here!

I'm going to bust your head till the white meat shows

and serve it up with gravy!

( Jordan screaming)

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow!

( evil laugh)

( gasps)

I can't kill him enough.

He's indestructible.

Time for you to baste the music, Uncle Bernie.

( grunts)

Say hi to my goldfish.

( laughs)

Oh... Lord!

( shuddering)

Your ass is Play-doh, and I'm the fun factory.

Uh-oh, got to go.

You know what, Uncle Bernie?

I'm sick of cartoons.

You can watch football now.

No, no-no. Don't you dare, boy.

Don't you dare change that...

( laughs)

( all yelling)

( screams)

( cartoon music)

What the...?

Doggone kids.

...to save the touchdown.

Oh, Lord, I'm having nightmares and fever dreams.

It's bad enough those kids ruined my Thanksgiving

now they haunt me in my dreams.

They're killing me.

Cut the camera off.

This might get ugly.

Down here, America.

I couldn't even make it up to my chair.

You know why?

It's too high!

These fevers really got me weak.

Might as well, just as well.

I rather be lying here

than being around those doggone kids.

They ruined my Thanksgiving.

Why don't they just leave me be?

When you come back, when I'm still down here

you call 911.

But be sure to specify an ambulance.

'Cause you know the police come out here

a brother in a nice house.

I just don't have the energy.

I need money.

I need silence.

Nessa, just leave me alone.

But I want to go to the mall with Shannon.

I want my stomach to stop doing the electric slide.

You should ask me for forgiveness

for messing up my turkey.

What are you talking about?

Don't talk back, Nessa.

Just leave me alone.

Hmm.

Let me make this perfectly clear.

If I was President, I'd make it a law

that Thanksgiving be spent away from kids.

Somewhere tropical.

Just me and Wanda.

Lying on the beach.

Playing Pocahontas all day long.

Mm-hmm.

Nice.

Real nice.

( quiet whimper)

( snoring)

Hey, baby.

Hmm?

Just think, in a few hours

we'll be a thousand miles away

from all the kids.

Oh.

And no crying and no talking back.

Oh. How about that?

I can't wait to snuggle up with my baby

on a nice, warm beach.

Hey, Wanda.

Mm-hmm. Ooh.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

( ominous music plays)

Ah. Ooh.

Wanda, Wanda, wake up, wake up.

What is it? Quick, quick, quick.

What? Look, look, look.

What?

Nothing.

Just go back to sleep, baby.

Oh.

( phone ringing)

Hello.

Uncle Bernie...

Nessa?

You should have given me the money...

Where are you?

Look out your window.

All I wanted to do was go to the mall...

that's all I wanted to do.

Oh!

( screaming)

Lord, let it be...

That's not Nessa.

Let her be back in L.A.

Father, please, I ask you these things

in Christ's name-- L.A., please.

( screaming)

Wanda, Wanda. What's going on?

Wanda, Nessa out here on the wing.

She on the wing.

Come on, baby. I'm sleeping. No, no, no.

I'm serious, baby.

Nessa, out here on the wing. Oh, right.

That's where I booked her seat.

See if she wants some headphones.

You're right. I'm just going crazy, right?

Oh, don't-don't go.

I got to pee.

I know I'm not crazy, America.

I know what I saw, and you saw it, too.

( rolling thunder)

Right?

( screaming)

Wanda, Wanda. Wanda, come here?

Come here, come here.

Look, look, look, look.

I swear to you, baby, Nessa--

she was out there on the wing.

Baby, you got to believe me.

You know, Nessa- she knows you don't like me.

She's trying to take us down, baby.

You're acting like a lunatic, okay?

No, no. There is nothing out there.

No, it is, Wanda. Listen to what I'm saying.

Every time you look, she's trying to make it look

like I'm trying to fool you.

She quick, she quick.

Will you look?

She quick.

I'm telling you, it's the trickeration...

Look, look.

Okay, okay, okay.

Baby. What?

Okay, okay, just think about the beach, okay?

Nice, warm beach, okay?

All right? There you go.

There you go.

Now, let me give you a little, nice back rub, okay?

Just relax a little bit.

No, no, no, no.

I'm going up there.

I'm going to tell the pilot.

I'm going to tell him that she's on the wing.

Maybe he can make a couple of sharp turns.

Dipping, flip over.

Let me out, let me out.

No, no, hold on.

Hold on, okay?

I'll go talk to them.

Good, good.

You're a little too worked up.

You-you go. I will.

I'll keep my eye on her.

Okay. You hurry up.

I will. Hurry up.

Ooh, excuse me, sorry, sorry.

Now we got your ass.

Get off that wing!

Oh, don't-don't do that!

Don't do that. No, no, no!

You know better than that.

(snarling & growling)

Yeah, okay, okay.

I'm coming out there.

I'm coming out there.

Damn right, I'm coming out there.

You'all nobody believe me.

I'm going to catch her

but when I catch her

you all going to be kissing my ass.

Yeah, I'm going to get her.

( quiet groaning)

No.

( quiet scream)

( electrical sizzling)

Hey, Nessa. Nessa!

Think about what you're doing.

( loud thunderclaps)

If anything happened to me

who going to take care of you, huh?

Okay, Nessa, all right, listen.

Nessa, you want to go to the mall?

Okay, well, I got some money for you, okay?

Oh, oh.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Look, Nessa.

Look, want some money?

You can have it. Here.

Now you can go to the mall.

( laughter)

I saved the world!

I saved the world.

I saved the world!

( mumbling)

( snorts)

Oh.

Hey, kids, look what I got.

I figure we have some fun on Thanksgiving.

What do you say?

What's the matter?

Why are you all so quiet?

Because you didn't feel well.

Wow, you all are really something else.

If I didn't know any better

I swear you all was kidnapped

and replaced by alien replicants.

(electronic voice) He knows.

Secure him!

What you talking about?

Yes, my Queen.

What you talking about? What... ?

I'll get the probe.

What's that you got in your hand, boy?

Put him over the sink.

What-what's going on?

Rise. Get up!

Huh.

( snorts)

I don't know, America.

Maybe these nightmares are trying to tell me something

but about what?

In every single one

those kids tortured me and killed me.

Now, I don't believe in premonition

but those kids might be truly trying to do me in.

And maybe I should kill them first

while I still have a chance.

I need some clarity, America.

Someone call a dreamologist.

See, that's the study of dreams.

Oh.

This whole thing is starting to make me sick all over again.

( humming)

Oh, Lord, can a man find some peace around here, please?

Uncle Bernie, I'm sorry you got sick on Thanksgiving.

Oh, sweetheart, thank you, baby girl.

Thank you.

And I taped the second football game

for you when you were throwing up.

You're going to love it.

The Bears win in double overtime.

You didn't have to tell me all of that.

But thank you, my man.

And I saved you this piece

of sweet potato pie

for when you feel better.

Thank you, kids.

You all, the greatest.

Oh.

You know what, America?

Those kids didn't ruin my day.

Yeah, they might have messed with my personal turkey

but those kids get it.

Thanksgiving is about family.

And I can't believe it.

But all of a sudden, I'm feeling good.

I'm full of the Thanksgiving spirit.

Magnanimous.

And what am I doing talking to you, America?

I need to be with my family right now.

And you should be with yours.

So, America, will you excuse me?

(screaming) Wanda! Wanda!

Come here, come here. What? What?

Look, look, look!

Look... (screaming)

(crew laughing)

Baby, are you okay?

Yes, I'm okay. I told you.

You didn't even believe me, either.

And now you all are going to be kissing my ass.

There's some damage to the engine.

I got to go tell the pilot. Look out.

Hey, Captain, you got

to land the plane, man.

The engine's in bad shape.

Oh!

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0