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1
00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:21,425
America, Bernie Mac is tired.
2
00:00:21,505 --> 00:00:23,045
I mean dead tired.
3
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:25,154
See, I've been on the road
for a whole week.
4
00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:27,725
Sleeping on planes,
in hotel rooms,
5
00:00:27,803 --> 00:00:30,353
on lumpy, nasty,
mite-ridden beds
6
00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:33,770
where your feet hang off,
your toes get cold.
7
00:00:33,850 --> 00:00:35,780
That ain't no way to live,
America.
8
00:00:35,852 --> 00:00:37,392
So now that I'm back at home,
9
00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:39,740
all I want to do is crawl
into my bed.
10
00:00:39,815 --> 00:00:41,385
My bed.
11
00:00:41,467 --> 00:00:43,777
I'm talking about an extra
thick Posturepedic
12
00:00:43,860 --> 00:00:47,830
with a feather bed, 1,200-thread
count Pratesi sheets.
13
00:00:47,906 --> 00:00:52,036
So warm and comfy, the closest
thing you can get to a womb.
14
00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:54,169
I just want to thank
all the geese
15
00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:57,090
that made this night's
rest possible.
16
00:00:57,165 --> 00:00:58,765
Thank you.
17
00:01:39,124 --> 00:01:40,634
The bed again?
18
00:01:40,643 --> 00:01:41,983
Yeah, baby.
19
00:01:42,052 --> 00:01:44,762
This doggone bed been giving me
nothing but trouble.
20
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:46,388
What you so dirty for?
21
00:01:46,464 --> 00:01:48,934
Ooh, I finally planted
my cherry tree.
22
00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:50,429
It is so beautiful, Bernie.
23
00:01:50,510 --> 00:01:52,900
I was just waiting for
the right time of the year.
24
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,860
(yawns)
That's great, Wanda.
25
00:01:54,931 --> 00:01:56,061
I know how excited you are.
26
00:01:56,141 --> 00:01:58,121
I know how much
it meant to you, so...
27
00:01:58,193 --> 00:02:00,323
I'm going to hop in the shower.
Get dressed.
28
00:02:00,395 --> 00:02:02,785
We're meeting the Richters
for dinner at 7:00.
29
00:02:04,482 --> 00:02:06,622
Bernie, did you
hear what I said?
30
00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:08,393
Yeah, baby, I heard you.
31
00:02:08,470 --> 00:02:09,910
I didn't know we got to meet
the Richters tonight.
32
00:02:09,988 --> 00:02:11,118
I thought it was Sunday.
33
00:02:11,198 --> 00:02:12,688
No, Sunday, I got to go
to Bryana's play.
34
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:14,206
I missed that last week,
remember?
35
00:02:14,284 --> 00:02:17,844
Baby, I'm too tired, Wanda.
36
00:02:17,913 --> 00:02:19,233
I'm tired.
37
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:21,006
Bernie, what do you have
against the Richters?
38
00:02:21,082 --> 00:02:24,842
The only thing more boring than
the Richters is Bryana's play.
39
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:27,640
No, I take that back.
40
00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:29,934
Nothing is more boring
than the Richters.
41
00:02:30,008 --> 00:02:31,468
Even if I had the strength,
42
00:02:31,551 --> 00:02:33,771
I couldn't take
that boring couple.
43
00:02:33,845 --> 00:02:35,895
I ain't got nothing against
the Richters
44
00:02:35,972 --> 00:02:37,402
but eight shows
in seven nights...
45
00:02:37,474 --> 00:02:39,984
I'm exhausted.
I just ain't got nothing left.
46
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:41,610
Fine.
47
00:02:41,686 --> 00:02:43,236
I'll reschedule.
48
00:02:43,313 --> 00:02:44,413
Thank you, baby.
49
00:02:44,489 --> 00:02:47,989
Ain't nothing getting me
out this bed tonight.
50
00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:49,128
I'm tired.
51
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:51,803
(telephone rings)
52
00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:53,522
Yeah. Mac.
53
00:02:53,599 --> 00:02:56,679
What you doing calling
at this ungodly hour?
54
00:02:58,119 --> 00:03:00,469
Clippers tickets?
55
00:03:00,547 --> 00:03:04,717
Michael Jordan
and the Wizards, huh?
56
00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:06,277
Well...
57
00:03:06,362 --> 00:03:08,352
If I go to the game,
Wanda gonna kill me.
58
00:03:08,421 --> 00:03:09,921
But if I miss a chance
59
00:03:09,998 --> 00:03:12,348
to see the greatest
basketball player of all time,
60
00:03:12,425 --> 00:03:14,055
I'm going to kill myself.
61
00:03:14,135 --> 00:03:16,055
It's a difficult choice.
62
00:03:16,137 --> 00:03:19,147
Michael Jordan or my marriage.
63
00:03:19,224 --> 00:03:22,194
My marriage or Michael Jordan.
64
00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:24,533
Jordan...
65
00:03:24,604 --> 00:03:27,504
Jordan?
66
00:03:27,574 --> 00:03:28,754
Hey, Jordan!
67
00:03:28,825 --> 00:03:31,025
(giggles)
68
00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:32,751
Yeah.
I'll be dead tomorrow.
69
00:03:32,829 --> 00:03:33,919
See ya.
70
00:03:36,241 --> 00:03:37,591
Jordan. Jordan...
71
00:03:37,668 --> 00:03:39,878
I want you to fake
an asthma attack. Start wheezing.
72
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:42,053
Why? There's
no school tomorrow.
73
00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:43,572
No, boy, I want you
to do it
74
00:03:43,649 --> 00:03:44,769
so we can go to
the Clippers' game.
75
00:03:44,841 --> 00:03:46,771
Be our little secret.
Start wheezing.
76
00:03:46,843 --> 00:03:48,773
You want me to throw up, too?
77
00:03:48,845 --> 00:03:50,045
I can have a seizure.
78
00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:51,550
No, Jordan, wheeze.
79
00:03:51,631 --> 00:03:52,891
Want me to swallow my tongue?
80
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:53,926
-No!
-Ow!
81
00:03:54,009 --> 00:03:56,099
(wheezing)
82
00:03:56,177 --> 00:03:57,767
(coughing)
83
00:03:57,846 --> 00:03:59,056
Oh, Lord!
84
00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:00,229
(coughing, gagging)
85
00:04:00,241 --> 00:04:01,231
Boy, good, good.
86
00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:03,232
(wheezing)
87
00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:04,994
Oh, Lord!
88
00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:06,435
I'm going to run him
to the E.R., baby.
89
00:04:06,521 --> 00:04:08,241
Let me take him; I
know how tired you are.
90
00:04:08,315 --> 00:04:09,355
This is my blood, baby.
91
00:04:09,441 --> 00:04:11,571
And blood's more
important than sleep.
92
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:13,421
-Do you have your keys?
-Yeah.
93
00:04:16,781 --> 00:04:17,961
Watch his head!
94
00:04:18,033 --> 00:04:19,423
(clunk)
95
00:04:22,037 --> 00:04:23,337
You know what else was great?
96
00:04:23,413 --> 00:04:24,923
The giant television screen.
97
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:26,588
I've never been on TV before.
98
00:04:26,666 --> 00:04:28,086
You think I'm going
to be a star?
99
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:30,258
Not after you put your finger
all the way up your nose.
100
00:04:30,271 --> 00:04:32,141
You was all the way up
to the second knuckle.
101
00:04:32,213 --> 00:04:33,603
You know what else was huge?
102
00:04:33,673 --> 00:04:35,643
The players,
they were like giants.
103
00:04:35,717 --> 00:04:37,687
Why didn't they let
the white guys play?
104
00:04:37,769 --> 00:04:38,819
I don't know, son.
105
00:04:38,895 --> 00:04:40,345
But you got to get rid
of that program.
106
00:04:40,430 --> 00:04:41,700
It's incriminating evidence.
107
00:04:41,773 --> 00:04:43,453
Get rid of that.
108
00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:47,992
Hey! Hey! Jordan,
what you doin'?
109
00:04:48,063 --> 00:04:49,203
But you said I should...
110
00:04:49,281 --> 00:04:51,611
I'm getting ready
to go to a trash can.
111
00:04:51,691 --> 00:04:52,671
(laughs)
112
00:04:52,743 --> 00:04:53,833
Boy, you know,
you're a trip.
113
00:04:53,910 --> 00:04:56,910
-I guess as long as
you had fun, huh? -Yeah.
114
00:04:56,988 --> 00:04:58,958
-But you know what was
my favorite part though? -What?
115
00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:02,212
How upset you were
when they said Michael Jordan wasn't playing.
116
00:05:02,285 --> 00:05:04,415
-You almost cried.
-No, I wasn't upset.
117
00:05:04,496 --> 00:05:05,746
No, I wasn't.
118
00:05:05,830 --> 00:05:07,010
"Oh, Lord!"
119
00:05:07,016 --> 00:05:09,086
No, that...
that's what I did?
120
00:05:09,167 --> 00:05:10,587
What'd I do?
What'd I do?
121
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:11,432
Oh, Lord!
122
00:05:11,503 --> 00:05:13,143
-Oh, Lord!
-Like that.
123
00:05:13,147 --> 00:05:14,177
(laughing)
124
00:05:14,255 --> 00:05:15,345
Let's move on.
125
00:05:15,423 --> 00:05:17,103
(laughing)
126
00:05:17,175 --> 00:05:18,515
(cell phone ringing)
127
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:20,225
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Hold on, hold.
128
00:05:20,303 --> 00:05:23,103
(ringing)
129
00:05:23,181 --> 00:05:25,691
Hello?
Hey, baby.
130
00:05:25,767 --> 00:05:28,277
-Yeah, he's fine.
Little congested. -(coughing)
131
00:05:28,353 --> 00:05:30,323
(coughing)
132
00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:31,817
Yeah, nothing serious.
133
00:05:31,898 --> 00:05:33,368
They took some X-rays
and everything,
134
00:05:33,441 --> 00:05:34,661
but he's going to be fine.
135
00:05:34,734 --> 00:05:37,044
Yeah, we're on our way home.
136
00:05:37,112 --> 00:05:38,592
Okay.
137
00:05:38,663 --> 00:05:40,873
All right, sweetheart.
Bye-bye.
138
00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:43,039
-(coughing)
-You can stop now, Jordan.
139
00:05:43,118 --> 00:05:44,998
No... choking.
140
00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:47,048
Oh, oh, Jordan.
141
00:05:47,122 --> 00:05:49,422
(relieved sigh)
142
00:05:49,499 --> 00:05:51,169
You all right?
143
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:54,891
(chuckling)
144
00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:58,767
(laughs)
145
00:06:00,552 --> 00:06:02,812
Oh, come on now, don't look
at me like that, America.
146
00:06:02,887 --> 00:06:05,307
I mean, the boy was just
choking on a pretzel.
147
00:06:05,390 --> 00:06:06,900
That could've happened anywhere.
148
00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:08,019
Am I wrong, Billy?
149
00:06:08,093 --> 00:06:09,583
Billy was at the game.
He saw the game.
150
00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:11,355
The boy had a good time.
Tell them, Billy.
151
00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:13,098
No, it's true.
Hi, how you doing?
152
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:15,236
I was sitting just a few
rows in front of them.
153
00:06:15,316 --> 00:06:16,866
You really got to get
some courtside seats.
154
00:06:16,943 --> 00:06:18,703
My friend, he called me
at the last minute.
155
00:06:18,778 --> 00:06:20,198
Yeah, but you're
sitting way back.
156
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:21,600
And he lied to me.
157
00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:22,622
Yeah, but I'm sitting
in the front row.
158
00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:24,209
I had two rebounds
and an assist.
159
00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:26,214
You know, you're way,
way back there.
160
00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:28,170
Anyway, they were
having a great time.
161
00:06:28,246 --> 00:06:29,676
It was kind of beautiful,
162
00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:31,627
you know, a boy and
his father figure, right?
163
00:06:31,708 --> 00:06:33,338
What could be more
American than that?
164
00:06:33,418 --> 00:06:35,068
You see.
165
00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:36,755
You see, that's what
I'm talking about, Billy.
166
00:06:36,838 --> 00:06:38,848
See, that... see,
that ain't no big deal.
167
00:06:38,923 --> 00:06:41,223
I had the boy fake
a little asthma attack.
168
00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:42,231
No big deal.
169
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:44,402
Wait, wait, wait...
170
00:06:44,479 --> 00:06:46,649
You had him fake
an asthma attack?
171
00:06:46,723 --> 00:06:49,233
He do it all
the time, Billy.
172
00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:50,529
You don't know him.
173
00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:52,071
I don't understand this.
174
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,235
You had him fake an illness
175
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:55,363
so you could go
to a Clipper game?
176
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:56,660
I just had him
do the wheezing.
177
00:06:56,733 --> 00:06:58,533
I didn't let him
swallow his tongue.
178
00:06:58,610 --> 00:07:00,370
Oh, that's so big of you.
179
00:07:00,445 --> 00:07:02,245
For a Clipper game?
180
00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:03,872
What happens if they
make the playoffs?
181
00:07:03,948 --> 00:07:05,788
What do you do then,
you stop his heart?
182
00:07:05,867 --> 00:07:08,627
I mean, asthma's not a funny
thing, Bernie, you know.
183
00:07:08,703 --> 00:07:10,633
I had asthma
when I was a kid.
184
00:07:10,705 --> 00:07:13,915
I mean, you know, I was born
in New York, and I started,
185
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,560
you know, getting excited
about things,
186
00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:17,255
and before I know it,
I'm in Phoenix,
187
00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:18,337
you know, 'cause it's dry.
188
00:07:18,421 --> 00:07:19,661
Let's move on, Billy.
189
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,120
And then, you know,
it's not funny.
190
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:23,059
And I'd be in class,
and I'd get agitated,
191
00:07:23,134 --> 00:07:24,574
and I'd start... oh, here...
192
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:25,765
-I'd start to...
-Put it in your book.
193
00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:27,245
-Anyway, America.
-It's not funny.
194
00:07:27,330 --> 00:07:28,980
-(wheezes)
-I had a good time. The boy had a...
195
00:07:28,991 --> 00:07:31,111
The boy had a good time.
And I just got to...
196
00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:32,614
I need my...
I need my Breathaly...
197
00:07:32,685 --> 00:07:34,395
(wheezes)
Not funny, man.
198
00:07:34,479 --> 00:07:35,449
It's one last hurdle.
199
00:07:35,522 --> 00:07:36,682
Comedy is not funny.
200
00:07:36,457 --> 00:07:38,157
Not funny.
(wheezes)
201
00:07:38,233 --> 00:07:40,743
You taking it... you're
going over the hill with..
202
00:07:40,818 --> 00:07:43,118
You're going over the
hill with that, Billy.
203
00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:44,906
-(wheezes)
-He do...
204
00:07:44,989 --> 00:07:47,169
I just want... he do,
he don't never do her.
205
00:07:47,242 --> 00:07:48,172
-He always...
-(wheezes)
206
00:07:48,243 --> 00:07:49,503
(wheezes)
207
00:07:49,577 --> 00:07:50,747
Cut the camera off.
208
00:07:50,828 --> 00:07:52,208
(wheezes)
209
00:07:52,288 --> 00:07:53,248
Cut the camera off.
210
00:07:53,331 --> 00:07:55,101
(wheezes)
211
00:07:57,335 --> 00:07:58,685
(wheezes)
Help me.
212
00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:01,142
Bernie,
I was so worried.
213
00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:02,604
Shh! He's sleeping.
214
00:08:02,674 --> 00:08:03,834
But he's fine.
215
00:08:03,908 --> 00:08:06,068
Doctor told me
to keep him level.
216
00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:11,475
There you go, America,
the perfect crime.
217
00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:13,978
Oh, don't look at me like that.
218
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:15,280
It was victimless.
219
00:08:15,353 --> 00:08:16,553
No one got hurt.
220
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:20,250
As long as Wanda never find out,
no one will.
221
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:33,251
Here you go, sweetie.
222
00:08:33,329 --> 00:08:35,849
I thought you would
enjoy these.
223
00:08:35,924 --> 00:08:37,844
Double-fudge brownies!
224
00:08:37,917 --> 00:08:39,387
You thought right.
225
00:08:42,714 --> 00:08:43,734
What's wrong, Aunt Wanda?
226
00:08:43,807 --> 00:08:46,717
Jordan, I was
so scared last night.
227
00:08:46,801 --> 00:08:48,131
About what?
228
00:08:48,211 --> 00:08:51,601
All I could think about
was you in the emergency room,
229
00:08:51,681 --> 00:08:53,131
not being able to breathe.
230
00:08:53,208 --> 00:08:55,228
Oh, you don't have
to worry, I'm fine.
231
00:08:55,310 --> 00:08:57,490
I've been told I have
the lung capacity
232
00:08:57,562 --> 00:09:00,332
of someone ten times my age.
233
00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:03,947
You're such a brave
little soldier.
234
00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:07,051
You relax and I'll fix
your favorite dinner.
235
00:09:14,203 --> 00:09:15,633
But why?
236
00:09:15,705 --> 00:09:17,415
Because Dark Deception
is R-rated, restricted.
237
00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:19,762
No one under 17 admitted
without a parent.
238
00:09:19,834 --> 00:09:21,264
And Aunt Wanda and I
already saw it.
239
00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:23,510
End of discussion,
Nessa.
240
00:09:23,588 --> 00:09:25,058
I can't believe you.
241
00:09:25,140 --> 00:09:26,310
What's the problem, baby?
242
00:09:26,382 --> 00:09:28,272
In four years,
you'll be able to rent it.
243
00:09:28,343 --> 00:09:30,143
Give you something
to look forward to.
244
00:09:30,219 --> 00:09:31,439
-Uncle Bernie.
-Yeah?
245
00:09:31,512 --> 00:09:32,562
You know, our secret?
246
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:34,269
I've been thinking
247
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,272
maybe we should tell
Aunt Wanda the truth.
248
00:09:35,350 --> 00:09:38,780
He too doggone young
to have a conscience.
249
00:09:38,853 --> 00:09:40,863
She was really worried
about me last night.
250
00:09:40,938 --> 00:09:42,348
It made me feel bad.
251
00:09:42,424 --> 00:09:45,084
Jordan, I don't want
you to feel bad.
252
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,620
The last thing
I want you to do
253
00:09:46,694 --> 00:09:48,104
is worry about Aunt Wanda.
254
00:09:48,179 --> 00:09:50,409
See, sometimes
in order for us to have a little fun,
255
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:53,210
we have to... bend
the truth a little bit.
256
00:09:53,284 --> 00:09:55,344
-You mean lie?
-No.
257
00:09:55,411 --> 00:09:57,881
Uh-uh, I don't mean lie.
I mean bend the truth.
258
00:09:57,955 --> 00:09:59,245
There's a difference.
259
00:09:59,324 --> 00:10:02,014
See, we sometimes let off
steam in a manly way,
260
00:10:02,085 --> 00:10:03,285
like basketball.
261
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:05,800
And, see, your Aunt
Wanda, she's a woman.
262
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:07,730
And see, women,
they're different.
263
00:10:07,807 --> 00:10:09,777
They're more sensitive.
264
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:13,689
That's why they cry at
movies and commercials and stuff like that.
265
00:10:13,763 --> 00:10:15,563
You cried during
The Lion King.
266
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,980
I didn't cry,
I was thinking about something sad
267
00:10:19,060 --> 00:10:20,800
like what would happen to you
268
00:10:20,879 --> 00:10:23,949
if you were to tell Aunt Wanda
about this basketball business.
269
00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:28,083
And besides, you don't
want to hurt Aunt Wanda's feelings, do you?
270
00:10:28,152 --> 00:10:30,752
Last thing you want to do
is make her cry, Jordan.
271
00:10:30,822 --> 00:10:33,252
Yeah.
272
00:10:33,324 --> 00:10:35,834
I think you need to
really forget about this
273
00:10:35,844 --> 00:10:38,714
telling Aunt Wanda
business, okay?
274
00:10:38,788 --> 00:10:40,328
Okay, I guess.
275
00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:42,587
Okay, good. And remember,
we're not lying;
276
00:10:42,667 --> 00:10:45,677
we're bending the truth
just to get what we want.
277
00:10:45,753 --> 00:10:47,353
Right.
278
00:10:47,422 --> 00:10:49,342
Oh, I don't care what
you're thinking, America.
279
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:52,016
It's not like I taught the boy
how to boost a car or anything.
280
00:10:52,093 --> 00:10:53,533
This is harmless.
281
00:10:53,603 --> 00:10:55,603
Just a little black boy
telling a little black lie.
282
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,230
No harm, no foul.
283
00:10:57,306 --> 00:11:00,106
You grownups,
y'all do it every day.
284
00:11:00,184 --> 00:11:02,204
Get out my face.
285
00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:08,696
(groans)
286
00:11:08,776 --> 00:11:09,946
Bryana, stop!
287
00:11:10,027 --> 00:11:11,297
What?
288
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:12,279
Those cookies are spoiled.
289
00:11:12,355 --> 00:11:14,035
If you eat them, they'll
have to take you away
290
00:11:14,115 --> 00:11:15,705
in an ambulance and
pump your stomach.
291
00:11:15,783 --> 00:11:17,483
But I already ate one.
292
00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:19,632
Hurry, go to the bathroom
and brush your teeth!
293
00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:21,718
Hurry! There's still time!
294
00:11:21,798 --> 00:11:24,098
Hurry! Hurry!
295
00:11:27,795 --> 00:11:30,465
Uncle Bernie said you
were supposed to wash these dishes.
296
00:11:30,482 --> 00:11:33,772
What? That's not my job.
I'm going to Shannon's.
297
00:11:33,843 --> 00:11:35,393
I heard him talking
to Aunt Wanda.
298
00:11:35,470 --> 00:11:37,350
He said he'd come over
there and get you.
299
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:40,610
If I were you,
I'd get it over with.
300
00:11:40,683 --> 00:11:43,993
(sighs)
Fine. Better washing dishes than him embarrassing me
301
00:11:44,061 --> 00:11:46,701
in front of my friends
with his big dumb mouth.
302
00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:48,083
Yep.
303
00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:51,028
(snickering)
304
00:11:51,110 --> 00:11:55,910
♪♪
305
00:11:55,990 --> 00:11:57,540
Oh, Mr. Mac.
306
00:11:57,617 --> 00:11:58,577
Hi, Sister Arlene.
307
00:11:58,659 --> 00:11:59,919
Mary. How are you?
308
00:11:59,994 --> 00:12:01,384
BOTH: We're fine.
309
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:04,214
We just wanted to know
how your wife was feeling.
310
00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:06,010
My wife is fine, why?
311
00:12:06,083 --> 00:12:07,433
Oh, Jordan's been
quite upset
312
00:12:07,502 --> 00:12:09,092
about his aunt's
sudden illness.
313
00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:10,464
Sudden illness?
314
00:12:10,539 --> 00:12:12,929
We just wanted you to know
that we were aware of it.
315
00:12:13,007 --> 00:12:14,347
Oh, and I've told
the other teachers
316
00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:15,929
not to assign
any homework
317
00:12:16,010 --> 00:12:18,440
as long as
the crisis exists.
318
00:12:18,513 --> 00:12:19,463
Crisis?
319
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:23,939
Jordan has got enough
on his mind.
320
00:12:24,018 --> 00:12:26,828
Sisters, thank you.
321
00:12:30,274 --> 00:12:32,244
Lying to a nun.
322
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:34,238
Saying his aunt's sick.
323
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,290
He's the one about to be sick.
324
00:12:36,364 --> 00:12:39,674
Going to contract a sudden case
of "ass-us beat-us red-us."
325
00:12:39,742 --> 00:12:43,212
That's Latin for I'm going
to whup his ass till it glows.
326
00:12:43,287 --> 00:12:45,707
I'm pissed, America.
327
00:12:45,790 --> 00:12:47,430
And I ain't lying.
328
00:12:53,589 --> 00:12:54,759
(screaming)
329
00:12:54,841 --> 00:12:56,271
Uncle Bernie,
you stepped on Powerman.
330
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:57,682
What's your Powerman
doing on the floor?
331
00:12:57,752 --> 00:12:59,312
I thought I told you
to clean this mess up, Jordan.
332
00:12:59,387 --> 00:13:01,397
Hold your horses,
I'm watching television.
333
00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:02,546
Hold my horses.
334
00:13:02,624 --> 00:13:03,824
Boy, I'm about ready
335
00:13:03,891 --> 00:13:05,191
to go Clydesdale
on you.
336
00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:06,822
What's up, guys? Hey.
337
00:13:06,894 --> 00:13:08,524
Hey.
338
00:13:08,596 --> 00:13:10,706
Nothing. Uncle Bernie's just
helping me practice my shot.
339
00:13:10,782 --> 00:13:11,952
Swish.
340
00:13:12,024 --> 00:13:14,664
Yeah, I was... uh, fouling him.
341
00:13:14,735 --> 00:13:16,585
JORDAN:
Uncle Bernie,
342
00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:21,041
would it be okay if I cleaned up
this mess after the TV show?
343
00:13:21,117 --> 00:13:22,917
No, I want you to clean
your mess up now, Jordan.
344
00:13:22,928 --> 00:13:25,088
Swish!
345
00:13:25,162 --> 00:13:28,342
The boy isn't just evil,
he's an evil genius.
346
00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:30,336
A little black Lex Luthor.
347
00:13:30,418 --> 00:13:32,548
He really got some dirt on me.
348
00:13:32,628 --> 00:13:35,478
This is blaxploitation,
I'm telling you, America.
349
00:13:35,557 --> 00:13:37,137
Blaxploitation.
350
00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:40,426
This ain't nothing but
some blaxploitation.
351
00:13:40,511 --> 00:13:41,651
Huh, he's good.
352
00:13:43,097 --> 00:13:45,147
This damn bed.
353
00:13:45,224 --> 00:13:46,194
WANDA:
Bernie!
354
00:13:46,267 --> 00:13:47,647
Yo.
355
00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:50,037
Did you tell the gardeners
to cut down my cherry tree?
356
00:13:50,113 --> 00:13:51,533
No, Wanda,
of course I didn't.
357
00:13:51,606 --> 00:13:53,236
Well, they did.
358
00:13:53,316 --> 00:13:56,196
And they are gone first
thing in the morning.
359
00:13:56,277 --> 00:13:57,687
Oh, baby, just chill.
360
00:13:57,762 --> 00:14:00,372
Now, go in there and get you
a glass of wine, just relax.
361
00:14:00,448 --> 00:14:02,208
It's probably
a misunderstanding.
362
00:14:02,283 --> 00:14:05,263
No, it was a misunderstanding
when they killed my azaleas.
363
00:14:05,336 --> 00:14:07,876
This is unforgivable.
364
00:14:07,955 --> 00:14:11,045
They are gone.
End of discussion.
365
00:14:11,125 --> 00:14:12,215
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
366
00:14:12,293 --> 00:14:13,883
Speaking of your foliage, okay,
367
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:17,184
Christina called talking
about your eyebrow appointment
368
00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:19,636
at 6:00, or something
like that, tonight.
369
00:14:19,717 --> 00:14:20,807
Tonight?
370
00:14:20,885 --> 00:14:22,365
Tonight.
371
00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:25,225
But I'm supposed to be going
to Bryana's play tonight.
372
00:14:25,306 --> 00:14:26,726
Oh, this is
just a bad day.
373
00:14:26,807 --> 00:14:28,977
Well, I mean, just call
and reschedule, baby.
374
00:14:29,060 --> 00:14:30,490
Quit tripping.
375
00:14:30,561 --> 00:14:32,241
Reschedule? You can't
reschedule with Christina.
376
00:14:32,313 --> 00:14:33,823
She's booked
months in advance.
377
00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:34,872
Oh, stop it.
378
00:14:34,949 --> 00:14:36,279
Now, that's just
totally ridiculous.
379
00:14:36,359 --> 00:14:38,279
You talking about
waxing some eyebrow.
380
00:14:38,361 --> 00:14:40,491
How difficult is it,
waxing some eyebrows?
381
00:14:40,571 --> 00:14:44,001
You give me some candles,
tweezers and a razor blade,
382
00:14:44,075 --> 00:14:44,995
lie across the bed...
383
00:14:45,076 --> 00:14:46,166
I'll hook you up, baby.
384
00:14:46,243 --> 00:14:47,713
Pluck it out...
385
00:14:47,787 --> 00:14:49,087
I'll call and reschedule.
386
00:14:49,163 --> 00:14:52,093
You know, you look kind of sexy
when you're dirty.
387
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,590
Whatever.
388
00:14:53,668 --> 00:14:55,888
Baby girl, have you
been jumping on my bed?
389
00:14:55,962 --> 00:14:59,852
-No, it wasn't me,
Uncle Bernie. -(doorbell rings)
390
00:14:59,924 --> 00:15:01,894
(Bernie sighs)
391
00:15:01,968 --> 00:15:03,308
(groans)
392
00:15:03,386 --> 00:15:05,446
(ratchet turning)
393
00:15:07,732 --> 00:15:09,002
Oh...
394
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:11,025
I guess you're here
for your last check, huh?
395
00:15:11,036 --> 00:15:13,486
Mr. Mac, we are very sorry
we cut your tree.
396
00:15:13,562 --> 00:15:17,622
Yeah... I bet next time you'll
be a little careful, won't you?
397
00:15:17,692 --> 00:15:22,462
Si, but your son
told Luis that you wanted it down.
398
00:15:27,159 --> 00:15:29,549
I'll see you next week.
Don't worry about it.
399
00:15:36,460 --> 00:15:38,640
Oh, baby girl,
I can't get over
400
00:15:38,713 --> 00:15:41,563
how wonderful you
were in that play.
401
00:15:41,632 --> 00:15:42,812
Thank you.
402
00:15:42,883 --> 00:15:44,233
You're welcome.
403
00:15:44,301 --> 00:15:45,981
And you were so talented.
404
00:15:46,053 --> 00:15:48,483
And by far
the prettiest one up there.
405
00:15:48,556 --> 00:15:51,106
It just made
my heart soar.
406
00:15:51,183 --> 00:15:53,233
Yeah, I know what
you did, Jordan.
407
00:15:53,310 --> 00:15:54,650
I know it was you.
408
00:15:54,729 --> 00:15:57,459
It was you that cut
down that cherry tree.
409
00:16:00,443 --> 00:16:01,913
Jordan, you're trying
to punk me.
410
00:16:01,986 --> 00:16:04,576
I'm going to let you know
I'm unpunkable, okay?
411
00:16:04,655 --> 00:16:06,995
Uncle Bernie,
I need a haircut.
412
00:16:07,074 --> 00:16:08,934
Do you have any clippers?
413
00:16:11,912 --> 00:16:13,842
No, I don't have any clippers.
414
00:16:13,914 --> 00:16:15,384
But I'd be more than happy
415
00:16:15,458 --> 00:16:18,008
to take you to the barber
shop next to the bakery.
416
00:16:18,085 --> 00:16:19,965
You know the bakery, son,
417
00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:22,096
the one that
sells cherry pies.
418
00:16:22,173 --> 00:16:24,103
I like the name Michael,
419
00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:26,639
and I like the name Jordan.
420
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:29,729
Michael... Jordan.
421
00:16:29,805 --> 00:16:30,975
Michael Jordan.
422
00:16:31,057 --> 00:16:33,567
What do you think, Uncle Bernie?
423
00:16:33,642 --> 00:16:35,662
I think I ought
to punch you.
424
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,610
That boy must be crazy--
playing tit-for-tat with me.
425
00:16:40,691 --> 00:16:42,741
Bernie Mac don't play
no tit-for-tat
426
00:16:42,818 --> 00:16:45,448
with no eight-year-old.
He think he smart?
427
00:16:45,529 --> 00:16:47,579
He don't know
who he's dealing with.
428
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:50,370
I'll beat that boy
by being a bigger man.
429
00:16:50,451 --> 00:16:52,751
I'm going to screw him
by being honest.
430
00:16:52,828 --> 00:16:55,378
I'm a top-thologist
when it come to bull.
431
00:16:55,456 --> 00:16:56,956
You went to the Clipper game?!
432
00:16:57,041 --> 00:16:58,421
Jordan cut down
your cherry tree.
433
00:16:58,501 --> 00:17:00,851
-Stool pigeon.
-You did what?
434
00:17:00,928 --> 00:17:04,888
You know how excited
I was about that little tree.
435
00:17:04,965 --> 00:17:06,265
Why did you do that?!
436
00:17:06,342 --> 00:17:08,482
JORDAN:
Well, I was playing NFLwith a friend,
437
00:17:08,552 --> 00:17:11,232
and every time one of uswould go out for a pass,
438
00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:13,519
that stupid cherry treegot in our way.
439
00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:17,109
So, I kind of toldthe gardeners that Uncle Bernie
440
00:17:17,186 --> 00:17:18,396
wanted them to cut it down.
441
00:17:18,479 --> 00:17:20,609
I fired our gardeners
for nothing.
442
00:17:20,689 --> 00:17:23,409
Yeah, and they got families,
big ones.
443
00:17:23,484 --> 00:17:26,414
Oh, stop it, America.
444
00:17:26,487 --> 00:17:28,197
Check the census.
445
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,540
This boy's a bad apple--
a rotten one.
446
00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:32,916
Yeah, that fell from
the Bernie Mac tree.
447
00:17:32,993 --> 00:17:34,403
-Hey...
-She's right.
448
00:17:34,478 --> 00:17:37,298
Bernie, how do you have
the audacity to have your nephew
449
00:17:37,373 --> 00:17:38,923
fake an asthma attack?
450
00:17:38,999 --> 00:17:41,259
I was worried
sick about him.
451
00:17:41,335 --> 00:17:42,925
Have you no shame?
452
00:17:43,003 --> 00:17:44,803
Yeah, baby, I...
453
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,260
It was Michael Jordan.
454
00:17:47,341 --> 00:17:49,611
How many comebacks
do you think he's got left?
455
00:17:51,262 --> 00:17:54,192
I am disappointed
in you both.
456
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,769
Lies...
457
00:17:56,851 --> 00:17:58,651
deceit.
458
00:17:58,727 --> 00:18:01,107
You're worse than
that awful family
459
00:18:01,188 --> 00:18:02,278
in Dark Deceptions,
460
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,280
and that was a horror movie.
461
00:18:04,358 --> 00:18:05,688
Yeah, I bet we have bodies
462
00:18:05,768 --> 00:18:07,618
buried under our floorboards,
too.
463
00:18:07,695 --> 00:18:09,865
What you know about
the floorboards, Nessa?
464
00:18:09,947 --> 00:18:11,707
My friend told me about it.
465
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:12,821
Yeah, right.
466
00:18:12,901 --> 00:18:14,171
WANDA:
Wait a minute.
467
00:18:14,243 --> 00:18:17,503
That was you.
468
00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:19,344
What are you
talking about?
469
00:18:19,415 --> 00:18:21,595
WANDA:
I was waitingfor my appointment.
470
00:18:21,676 --> 00:18:23,796
As usual,Christina was running late.
471
00:18:23,878 --> 00:18:25,758
I was flipping throughthe Cosmo
472
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:28,808
when I glanced out ofthe window for just a moment.
473
00:18:28,883 --> 00:18:31,613
That's when I thoughtI spotted Vanessa.
474
00:18:33,470 --> 00:18:36,770
I thought your uncle and Iwere crystal clear
475
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:39,189
about you not seeingR-rated movies.
476
00:18:39,268 --> 00:18:43,198
I can't believe I gave youthe benefit of the doubt.
477
00:18:43,272 --> 00:18:46,492
Lucky for us you spotted her
during your eyebrow appointment,
478
00:18:46,567 --> 00:18:49,657
or you would have got away
with cold-blooded murder.
479
00:18:49,737 --> 00:18:51,407
Oh, don't play
innocent, Bernie.
480
00:18:51,488 --> 00:18:53,288
You're in it
just as deep as she is.
481
00:18:53,365 --> 00:18:54,665
Okay, then, that's fine.
482
00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:56,712
You want to talk about
innocence?
483
00:18:56,785 --> 00:18:58,495
How you like
baby girl play, sweetheart?
484
00:18:58,579 --> 00:19:00,099
And what was
your favorite part?
485
00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:02,513
Don't change the subject.
486
00:19:02,583 --> 00:19:04,113
Yeah, Aunt Wanda,
487
00:19:04,185 --> 00:19:05,675
what was your favorite
part of the play?
488
00:19:05,753 --> 00:19:09,773
I loved all of it, sweetie.
489
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:12,469
Did you like the part
where she came out like a beautiful flower?
490
00:19:12,551 --> 00:19:13,781
Oh, I loved that part.
491
00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:16,523
She was precious,
and she looked adorable.
492
00:19:16,597 --> 00:19:17,807
She did look cute as a flower.
493
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:19,520
And you know that song
that she sang?
494
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:21,280
-Uh-huh.
-You know the one.
495
00:19:21,352 --> 00:19:23,282
Oh, I loved it. You were
most magnificent, baby girl.
496
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:25,398
BERNIE:
Oh, sweetheart,
497
00:19:25,481 --> 00:19:27,361
she wasn't a flower.
498
00:19:27,441 --> 00:19:30,281
She was a rabbit
the whole time.
499
00:19:30,361 --> 00:19:33,131
BRYANA:
I didn't sing, either.
500
00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:35,206
I hopped the whole time.
501
00:19:35,282 --> 00:19:37,752
This is getting good.
502
00:19:37,826 --> 00:19:39,956
VANESSA:
I guess you're as bad as we are.
503
00:19:40,037 --> 00:19:43,257
Except I didn't lie
to a five-year-old.
504
00:19:43,332 --> 00:19:46,182
Oh, God.
505
00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:48,300
Oh, baby girl,
506
00:19:48,379 --> 00:19:49,509
I'm so sorry.
507
00:19:49,588 --> 00:19:52,928
I-I-I tried to make it
to your play,
508
00:19:53,008 --> 00:19:54,728
really, honestly, I did.
509
00:19:54,802 --> 00:19:58,272
I didn't realize my appointmentwas going so long.
510
00:19:58,347 --> 00:20:01,187
I drove as fast as I could.
511
00:20:01,267 --> 00:20:03,277
But by the time I got there,
512
00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:06,736
the playwas already over.
513
00:20:06,748 --> 00:20:10,038
(applause)
514
00:20:19,243 --> 00:20:21,843
(sighs)
515
00:20:21,912 --> 00:20:22,922
Please...
516
00:20:22,997 --> 00:20:24,257
don't be mad at me.
517
00:20:24,331 --> 00:20:25,971
I am so sorry,
baby girl.
518
00:20:26,041 --> 00:20:27,881
I know you're not
going to understand,
519
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,050
but, see, Christina,
she's booked solid
520
00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:31,289
for the next two months,
521
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:33,064
and you wouldn't want
your Aunt Wanda
522
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:35,602
walking around with the unibrow,
would you?
523
00:20:35,676 --> 00:20:36,926
BERNIE:
Stop it.
524
00:20:37,011 --> 00:20:38,691
Stop it.
525
00:20:38,762 --> 00:20:41,152
All of us should be ashamed
of ourselves.
526
00:20:41,223 --> 00:20:42,493
All of us.
527
00:20:42,567 --> 00:20:43,607
Everyone here
except baby girl,
528
00:20:43,684 --> 00:20:46,444
because she's the only good one
in the bunch.
529
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:48,490
I tell the truth.
530
00:20:48,564 --> 00:20:49,864
You sure do.
531
00:20:49,940 --> 00:20:51,210
I wish you would
tell the truth.
532
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:52,464
You always try
to kill my spirits.
533
00:20:52,535 --> 00:20:53,945
Take him to the
emergency hospital.
534
00:20:54,028 --> 00:20:56,078
You better watch-- I got
to watch you with binoculars.
535
00:20:56,155 --> 00:20:57,615
I feel better, America.
536
00:20:57,698 --> 00:21:00,458
See, here I was thinking
I was a snake,
537
00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:02,708
feeding the boy
forbidden fruit,
538
00:21:02,786 --> 00:21:06,206
when it turns out the whole
garden brimming with serpents.
539
00:21:06,290 --> 00:21:09,600
The entire family is low-down
and deceitful as I am.
540
00:21:09,677 --> 00:21:13,387
See, I got to lead
by a better example.
541
00:21:13,464 --> 00:21:15,894
From now on, no more lying.
542
00:21:15,966 --> 00:21:19,136
The only one who hasn't been
corrupted is baby girl.
543
00:21:19,219 --> 00:21:22,399
See, she's still like Eve--
I mean, before the apple.
544
00:21:22,473 --> 00:21:24,943
Innocent, pure as snow.
545
00:21:25,017 --> 00:21:27,947
(giggling)
546
00:21:41,617 --> 00:21:43,267
Not funny, Bernie.
547
00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:49,090
Anyway, America,
they did have a good time.
548
00:21:49,166 --> 00:21:50,426
The boy
didn't have a good time,
549
00:21:50,509 --> 00:21:53,759
but now he's got to get past
one last hurdle.
550
00:21:53,837 --> 00:21:55,257
(wheezing)
551
00:21:55,339 --> 00:21:57,649
I'm just kidding.
552
00:21:59,510 --> 00:22:01,600
You got a lot
of nerve, Billy.
553
00:22:01,678 --> 00:22:03,768
You want something to drink?
554
00:22:03,847 --> 00:22:05,227
(wheezes)
555
00:22:05,241 --> 00:22:07,951
(laughing)
556
00:22:09,478 --> 00:22:11,618
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
557
00:22:11,668 --> 00:22:16,218
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