All language subtitles for The Bernie Mac Show s01e17 If I Were N Riched Man.eng

♪♪

America, we've had some
good times together, right?

So now you know me.

Even with the television show,
I'm still Bernie Mac.

I still say the things
you want to say, but you can't.

I'm not saying it's easy.

See, every week somebody's
in my face, talking about

"Bernie Mac, you can't say this.
Bernie Mac, you can't say that."

I told you television
was not going to change me,

and it hasn't.

I still say what I want.

You hear me?

I'm still not sure
what the problem is.

Is Bryana hurt?

Oh, something she said.

Well, what did she say?

You don't want to discuss it
over the phone?

Okay, I'm on my way.

What did baby girl say?

I thought in the time
it would take you to get here

I would have the courage
to repeat it.

But, um...

You can't say?

Well, can you write it down?

I already did.

Baby girl said this?

Now, see, what
I cannot understand, Mr. Mac,

is where she could have
heard it.

I mean, who would have said

such an ugly,
hateful, angry thing?

Hey, baby?

Hmm?

The phone bill's
kind of high this month.

Look at that.

Oh, Vanessa was
doing good in school

so I let her
call some friends.

Nessa?

Mm-hmm.

You still got
to watch her, baby.

I mean, she already
thinks we're rich.

Well, compared to
where she's from...

Yeah, but she thinks
we're all country club rich.

Old money rich.

Shoot, we're just
nigga rich.

What?

Look at that.

I don't mean to talk
out of turn,

but we here at Wellington

don't consider this to be
appropriate language.

You know, I agree,

and I'm going to talk
to baby girl,

and I guarantee you she will
never use that word again.

Well, that's great.

-But, Mr. Mac?
-Yes?

I don't mean to talk
out of turn again,

but I'm not sure that

it's appropriate
for anyone to say.

Well, it's...

Look, I don't mean to overstep.

No, no, no. Step.

I mean, maybe I'm not in
a position to say...

No, no, you're in a position.

-If I'm speaking
out of turn... -It's your turn to speak.

But isn't this such an ugly,

hateful,
angry word?

You know, let me explain.

I'm not quite sure
I really know how to explain,

but when I was growing up,

we used this word
in many different ways,

and we didn't really
mean anything by it.

For example, if someone
did something ridiculous,

we would say,
"Look at that crazy..."

Or if a brother
was real tough,

we'd say,
"That's one bad..."

You know, or if
a cat smelled real bad,

we would say,
"Old stinkin'..."

Okay. Thank you, Mr. Mac.

I understand your point.

Now hold up, America.

See, Bernie Mac is not condoning
the use of this word.

I'm just trying to explain
to her

how I used it in the past,

and I'm quite sure
some of you...

But that's all right.

Bernie Mac ain't mad at you.

Anyway, I've used it, too.

See, I'm just being truthful,

so before y'all start
casting stones,

let's move on.

Let me sh...

No, y'all don't need to see
everything.

You don't need to know
everything.

She said ...

(water running)

(talking while
brushing teeth)

...everybody watching me,
and I ain't got no privacy.

I understand, baby.

But we should watch
what we say in front of Bryana, though.

Honestly, sweetheart,

I didn't know
she was over there.

I wasn't trying
to hurt nobody.

She over there
eavesdropping.

Honey...

I think it's more
than that, you know?

When it was just
you and me in the house,

there were certain things
that we could do,

certain things
that we could say,

and now we have
a house full of kids.

We're role models now.

Role models!

Role model?

Huh. I'm already a role model.

Oh, come on, America.

Y'all see me every week.

I feed those kids,
I keep them in line

I put a roof over their head

and you're going to tell me
I'm not a role model?

Please. Now granted,

sometimes my methods are
a little coarse,

but I don't have any
outside kids,

you know what I'm saying?

Now, see, Bernie Mac,
he's one of those...

Uncle Bernie?

Did I say something bad?

Come here, baby girl.

Oh...

You know...

I said something bad,

and I shouldn't
have said it. My big mouth.

And I don't ever want you
to say it again, okay?

Okay.

Uncle Bernie?

Hmm?

Are you going
to say it anymore?

I'm going to try
my best not to,

and I want you to pray for
your Uncle Bernie, okay?

Okay.

Now do me a favor.
I want you to go in the kitchen,

pour yourself
some chocolate milk,

and I'm going
to come in there,

-and we're going to have
some together, okay? -Okay.

Hey, I love you.

You didn't say nothing back.

There you have it, America.

I guess Bernie Mac
can't say whatever he wants.

All right,
I learned my lesson.

End of story.

Sorry, America,
I guess it's a short one tonight

and I don't think
I need to tie up any loose ends,

you know what I mean?

So, what can I possibly say
right now?

What could be said?

Come on, Mr. Cooley.

What do you mean
we got a problem?

No, I said
"potential problem."

Potential problem?

Well, Mr. Mac,

the teacher doesn't want
to talk out of turn,

but she's concerned about
your choice of words

around the children.
They seem hostile to her.

Hostile? Cooley, I ain't said
nothing hostile to those kids.

Well, weren't you angry
about a phone bill?

Yeah, I was ang...

I mean, I wasn't angry
when I said...

Um...

I know she told you
what I said.

Once again, she didn't want
to talk out of turn.

For somebody who doesn't want
to talk out of turn, she sure is bumping her gums.

-Mr. Mac...
-Come on!

You've known me
for a while now.

I'm a good person.
I do good by those kids, man.

You know, and I mean,
to some other kid,

I'd probably be a role model.

I'm not going
to file a report.

This was obviously
a misunderstanding.

All right, fine, that's
what I'm talking about.

So we're cool again, right?

Just one word of advice.

I know her kind.

She's one of those
touchy-feely Berkeley types.

Just be extra-careful
what you say around her,

especially in anger.

Oh, come on now,
Cooley, come on...

Then you won't have
to have somebody like me

coming around
and wasting your time.

I want to go play.

No, you don't.
You're going to sit right there

and you're going to
wait on your sister.

Come on, Uncle Bernie.

Jordan, I said sit there
and wait on your sister.

That's what I mean.

You want to race?

No, I don't want to race.

I just want to sit right here
and wait on your sister.

There she is.

(door thumps)

Jordan! No, you don't.

You better not have
put a dent in my car, I swear.

There's a dent,
I'll put your hand

right in the door and smash it.

I'm not kidding.

Every time I try to tell you
something...

(yells)
Oh, Jordan!

What's wrong with you?

Are you blind?

Huh?

What do I have to do to put

some sense in your head,
Jordan?

Beat you in the head
with a dictionary?

It ain't going
to do no good,

'cause you ain't
going to see it coming,

your big, thick pop-bottle
glasses you got on.

Jordan, I swear,
you make me so doggone angry,

I just want to wring your neck,
you stupid little beetle!

You...

Hi, Uncle Bernie!

Stupid little beetle?

Oh, Lord...

Hi.

The boy dented my car, Cooley.

I'm not saying that
you're not justified.

What you saying, then?

I get peeved myself.
You're not a bad man.

It's just the words you chose.

-Cooley...
-Look..

it's not like I'm here
to take away the kids.

You know what, Cooley?

That's not a bad idea.

That's a solution.

You need to
take away the kids. I'm a bad man, Cooley.

Okay, Mr. Mac, if I
thought you were serious,

I'd be worried,

but I know that your heart's
in the right place, okay?

Okay, man, that's it.

Well, not quite.

I'm going to have to
visit you periodically

-over the next week
for observation. -What?

Just to make sure
this isn't a hostile environment.

See, Cooley,
there you go again

with that doggone word
"hostile."

What do you mean by "hostile"?

Well, it's just
standard procedure.

Oh, Cooley, you...

Mr. Mac,

this is nothing to be
overly concerned about.

Just watch your words.

Watch my words.

Come on, America, how am I
suppose to watch my words?

(mutters)

What the hell is this?

Let's move on.

What?

Did you remember to sign
my permission slip

for the Covina meet?

You do your homework?

Yeah.

All of it? Your math?

Yeah.

Well, Nessa, if you
did your homework,

you'd know that
your permission slip

inside your math book.

Nessa, you just
lied to me.

Just for that,
you spend two days in your room.

Two days? That's not fair.

You know what? You're right.
Let's make it three.

Two plus one is three.

You'd know that if
you did your math.

-But...
-But nothing.

What you mean "but"?

You keep on talking, you
get a life sentence.

You'll never see the sun.

Now, go to your
room, Nessa.

You little liar.

Baby girl, come on,
put some clothes on.

But I'm Beach Barbie.

Baby... baby girl, look.
Look.

It's too cold for you
to wear that.

You going to mess around,
you're going to get sick.

But Beach Barbie
wears a bikini.

But Beach Barbie
can't catch a cold, baby.

(sighs)

Okay, you want to wear that,

you're going
to catch the flu.

And if you catch the flu
and start throwing up,

I'm not going to do nothing.

And if you start throwing up,
I'm going to make you lie in it.

-Now, you want to do that?
-No.

Baby girl, could you please
put on some clothes?

-Okay.
-Thank you.

Now, that's good parenting.

Jordan, put that ice cream up.
You're about to eat dinner in a few minutes.

Oh, but I'm hungry now.

I didn't ask you that.
I said put it up.

Oh, come on, Uncle Bernie.

If I tell you again, Jordan,

you're going to
be holding the carton

to the lump I put
on your head. Put it up.

Aw...

What's that you're writing,
Jordan?

Nothing.

Let me see it.

Move.

"State of California,
Department of Social Service."

What the hell is this?

That's a standard
Social Services form.

For what?

Well, sometimes in our
passionate expressiveness,

we can be careless with
the words we choose.

And this is just
a little exercise

to help us with
our awareness.

It's an awareness exercise.

Oh, Cooley, I'm aware.

I'm aware I got a couple
of stool pigeons

trying to send me down
the doggone river, Cooley.

No, Mr. Mac, they're just
writing down your words.

Uh, for instance,
Vanessa said here

that you would lock her
in her room

and she would never
see the sun?

Uh-uh, now-now,
Cooley, Cooley, that was...

that was taken out of context.

Well, not seeing the sun
in any context is harsh.

Let's move on.

Okay.

Jordan said he'd have
to hold ice cream

to the lump you gave
him on his head.

No, no, no,
I'm-I'm not going down for that.

I was referring
to the ice cream.

Well, lump on a child's
head is hostile.

Wh-Wh-What'd you suggest I say?

Knot? Bump? Contusion?

I'm just saying that
a head injury to a child

is inappropriate.

Oh... that's bull!

"Bull."

Can you believe this?

They got the kids diming on me.

All right, cool.

Let them twist
Bernie Mac words

to sound like they're angry
or hostile.

I'm going to tell you
what I'm going to do, America.

I'm going to slap the taste
out of one of their mouths.

That's right.
I can see them now.

"Uncle Bernie,
I can't taste my breakfast."

That's because Uncle Bernie

slapped the taste
out of your mouth.

Did I go too far?

Stool pigeon. Rats. Tricks.

"How would you like
a four-knuckle tattoo"?

No, no, no, no, now hold on.
Hold on, now, Cooley.

I never said nothing...

Let's... let's move on.

"Jump down your throat
and stomp on your liver"?

Hold... Cooley, hold on.

Now, you know that's not even
physically possible.

You know that, Cooley.

"Nanny-nanny boo-boo.

Stick your head in doo-doo."

What? That's good, right?

"I'm going shopping
for a tiny pink coffin"?

Look... look here.

I was talking about
the little Barbie doll.

There's no way in heck

I was talking about
little baby girl like that.

Come on, you know I wouldn't say
nothing like that.

Cooley, I swear. Come on.

I can't eat... but I...

See, that's...

I can't say...

All right, fine. Fine.

I ain't saying nothing.

-No, you don't.
-Yes, I do!

-No, you don't.
-Be quiet!

You baby, be quiet!

You stupid jerk!

Cut it out!

-Shut up!
-Leave me alone!

-You always
get your way. -No, you don't.

-Yes, I do!
-No, I don't!

Yes, you do!

-No, I don't!
-Yes, you do, little baby!

-No, I don't!
-Yes, you do, little ugly baby!

So what happened?

Yo, all kinds of stuff.

She had this little paddle.

Wanted me to act like
a naughty boy.

(laughs)

This girl was fine,
too, man.

I'd take a spanking
from her.

-Would you?
-Yeah, I would.

Would you take one now?

Give me all the chips,
baby, all the chips.

Yes, sir.

Hey.

I took five dollars off
your dresser for nail polish.

Oh, okay.

(chuckles)

Hey, man.

Uh-huh.

You all right?

Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.

I think she said she
took your money, man.

I heard her.

Yo, yo, man, uh,

you want me to
handle up on this?

Look, fellas, I'm fine.

Come on, I thought we
were going to play cards.

Okay, I'll deal, then.

Yeah, well, just
deal the cards.

Bernie.

You sure you're
all right, man?

I'm fine.
You all right?

When the last time
you had a physical?

Six months ago.

You check your hearing?

I said I'm fine.
You fine?

Deal the damn cards.
Deal them.

-All right.
-Oh, go on, man. I'm fine.

Damn. Let's play some cards.

Ooh, Chewy Bears.

Ugh, those are...
I hate those.

Hey!

Jordan, baby girl,
stop it, please.

What you looking at?

Did I say anything to you
when you picked about, what,

15, 16 items?

Don't turn your back on me
when I'm talking to you.

You the one started it.

Yeah, you better walk away.

Yeah, walk away and judge
somebody else's kids.

That's right.
What everybody looking at?

Everybody all in my business.

America, you know
what need to be done.

You know what they need.
I can't do nothing.

My hands are tied.

Look, they took that
away from me.

America, I am truly sorry
about that.

I just couldn't hold it in.

I shouldn't have
taken it out on her.

If any one of you all
know her out there,

please tell her that Bernie Mac
is sorry, please.

I know better than that.

I was brought up
better than that.

Big Mama gave me home training.

I just act like I drank
or something. I don't...

Ignorant.

Uh, dog!

Huh!

Wanda!

What's wrong, baby?

Come here.

Bernie, you all right?

No, I ain't all right.

I almost broke
my doggone neck

because you got a million
pair of shoes up in here.

Why you got so many shoes?
You only got two feet.

Bernie, I'm not going
to argue with you about these shoes.

I'm not arguing, Wanda.

I'm just telling you
how I feel.

What's going on?

Wanda, I can't take it.
I swear I can't take it.

I keep biting my tongue
around these kids,

I'm going to pop,
I'm going to lose it.

I can't be myself,
I can't be Bernie Mac.

And if I can't be
Bernie Mac,

this is how it's
going to come out.

Somebody got
to pay the price.

You all I got.

Can you hold me, baby?

I'm pitiful, Wanda.

That's okay, baby.

Jordan says you gave him
a threatening look.

But I'm not going
to put that down.

And Vanessa says

that you mumbled
something incoherently.

That's not a big deal.

So it seems like things
have gotten a lot better.

Yeah, Uncle Bernie's been
on excellent behavior.

His word choice
has been phenomenal.

I learned that.

Heh, heh, heh.

Yeah, he's much more
pleasant to be around.

Great. Okay.

Mr. Mac, you have
anything to add?

Nothing?

For what, Cooley?

Anything I say is going
to get twisted around,

and you're going to write
down in that little pad.

Actually, no.
Anything that's said within this meeting

is between us
and goes no further.

It's completely confidential.

Completely confidential?

Yes, like an attorney-
client privilege.

-Really?
-Yes.

So I can say anything
I want, right?

As long as it's within
the context of this meeting.

So I can talk about grabbing
somebody by the ponytail,

shaking their head till
they're damn near dizzy,

till water start
pouring out their eyes,

you know what
I mean, Nessa?

I can talk about
that, can't I?

And you, Jordan,
you know doggone well

you're not supposed
to throw no candy.

As a matter of fact,
you're not supposed to throw anything.

I should've put a dent
in your head the same way you did in my car.

It's all right for me
to do that, Cooley?

And you, baby girl, yeah.

You're just too cute.
That's the only way you get away with it.

But that's not going to last.

It'll last
till you're around six.

What are you,
five and three-quarters?

Yeah, and then you'll be
right along with them.

And you know what,
when you get with them,

POW! Slap all
three of y'all.

Boy, I feel so much better,
Cooley.

See, the beauty of it

you all ain't hear
the real Bernie Mac

two-piece. Pow-pow!

So you ain't going
to see the second one,

'cause the first one
knocked you out.

Mr. Mac, I can no longer be
a party to this abusive tirade.

No, come on, Cooley.

I can't keep
watching what I say in front of these kids.

It's going to come
out like this.

You leave me
no other choice.

Jordan, you got
one more time

to sit at that breakfast table

and chew your food
with your mouth open,

breathing through your nose.

I'm going to give you a jab
in the bread basket.

I swear that'll clear up
your sinuses.

Oh, Mr. Mac.

No, you're not
there, Cooley.

You don't see them
every morning--

-(nasal smacking)
-This has got to stop.

This has been going on
for over an hour.

Look here, Cooley,

I'm just starting
to enjoy myself.

I ask you, you going
to come tomorrow?

I wasn't planning to.

Well, come on, hey, kids,

don't y'all want to see
Brad Cooley tomorrow?

Say yes.

Please, Mr. Cooley,
make him stop.

Very good, Mr. Mac.

Very good.

Bernie Mac is back, baby.

I can say what I want again.

Well, for the most part.

But you know
what I'm talking about.

Life is good, America.
Life is good.

These kids taking me
through all that.

They're just
a pain in the ass.

That's what they are, America,
just a pain in the ass.

Y'all got kids, you know.

I just deal with mine
up front.

I don't go behind the curtain,
you know.

Just a pain in the ass.

Ooh, every time you know
it's a kid around.

When your booty start hurting,
it's a kid around.

A kid is close.

Ooh, my booty hurt.
It's a kid somewhere.

Ow!

It's children.

Bryana, what did you
just say Billy was?

I said Billy
was a pain in the...

Ass?

I understand, baby.

We should watch
what we say in front of Bryana though.

Honestly, baby, I didn't
know she was over there.

I didn't mean nothing by it.

She over there eavesdropping.

Honey, I think
it's more than that.

You know, when it was just
you and me in the house,

certain things
we could do,

certain things
we could say.

But we have a house
full of kids where...

(faucet sputtering)

-(man laughs)
-(bleeping)

-MAN: Cut!
-Did you pay the bill?

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