Original subtitles

Look at this.

I bet y'all don't even know what this is.

No, this ain't no video.

This right here's my savior.

The perfect baby-sitter.

See, it doesn't use my phone or eat my food

or even ask can a friend come over.

See, what this baby-sitter does is give me an hour

so I can have some peace and quiet.

Now, hold on, now.

I hear you out there.

"Bernie Mac, are you doing your job as a parent?"

Hell, yes.

In Bernie Mac's opinion, part of being a good parent

is being aware of your child's interests.

Hey, Jordan, you want to get some ice cream

or maybe go to Disneyland?

Uncle Bernie, please!

Sorry, baby.

See, he's interested, and I'm liberated.

Same as baby girl. Come on.

(kids' show playing)

Hey, baby girl!

Want to play Barbie?

No.

I want you to help me with my Spanish.

I'll be glad to help you with your Spanish.

(show playing in Spanish)

Look, see?

Did I tell you?

The perfect baby-sitter.

See, now Nessa doesn't need one of these.

She got that ignorant teenage attitude.

Can't stand nobody and don't want to talk to nobody.

She makes it easy. Watch.

Hey, Nessa, you want to do something?

(mumbling) I don't know.

No, thanks. I got something else to do.

Works every time.

Now, who said parenting is hard?

You just got to know how to put it on autopilot.

You are going to throw up.

My dad wants you and your family

to come over for dinner Saturday night.

My whole family?

Bernie Mac, too?

I know, it's so stupid.

But we hang out together so much,

and my dad read somewhere that

"a parent is involved in every facet

of their child's life."

Okay, look, Shannon,

you have got to tell your dad

to stop reading those parenting books.

I hear you, but please?

It'll chill him out, and I'll get major points.

You owe.

Thanks.

Jordan, Bryana?

Hello, excuse me.

I want you two to be on your best behavior tonight.

That's right, 'cause if anybody embarrass me,

I'm not kidding, I'm going to pop you right under the eye.

Bernie, you not going to pop no one underneath the eye.

You watch-- I declare, that makes people...

Use the knuckle-- pop, right under..

Can't we just stay home?

Shut up!

Bernie, Wanda, welcome to our home.

Thank you.

You know what, Ed?

I think you and I got a couple of Olympic gymnasts

on our hands, huh?

That would be great.

So long as she keeps up her grades.

Isn't that right, honey?

We both know, it takes more than somersaults

to get into Harvard.

I agree.

That's why baby girl-- see, she's only five,

but she's learning Spanish right now.

Baby girl--

why don't you razzle-dazzle us

with some Spanish?

Listen to this, Ed.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, um...

Seis.

Ah, you know your numbers, too, huh?

Well, actually, he's been fluent for about a year.

No.

Isn't that right, son?

Sí, papa.

Voy a estudiar en España algun día.

Y tu?

(whispering) Sí.

Sí.

The boy's four years old.

That's impossible.

Imposible.

Wow.

You know, Bernie, I keep telling my kids,

it's not enough these days to be in honors classes

or do well on the SATs.

I think they should do away with the SATs.

(laughs) That's teenagers for you, huh?

Defend your position.

Dad, the SATs are widely considered to be

a culturally biased assessment of scholastic aptitude.

And studies have shown

that they aren't an accurate test of achievement

or how a person does in college.

But you're still planning on getting a perfect 1600, correct?

Touché.

Ed, you must tell me,

how in the world do you keep your kids so disciplined?

Honestly... do you whip 'em?

No, caning them.

(laughter)

I like the work ethics, man.

How about some music?

We'd love some. Some music?

(classical piece playing)

Susan...

This is so lovely.

Next time you have to come to our house for dinner.

Right, honey?

Huh?

Come to our house?

I can only imagine.

Nessa, where you going?

Baby, she peacing me out!

No! What's going on here?

Where's baby girl?

Oh, Lord!

Oh, man, that's yours.

I'm so sorry.

Get down from there, boy!

Jordan, are you crazy?

Get down!

Get down from there, boy!

Oh, my God.

Was it the two of spades?

Jordan, that's okay.

The king of hearts?

(polite chuckling)

Ed, Susan, truly-- thank you.

On behalf of my family.

Seven of diamonds?

Uh, get in the car.

I'm sorry. Good night.

It's okay.

I got two of clubs.

Good night, Bernie.

BERNIE: Ten of diamonds, ten of diamonds.

Jordan and his doggone magic tricks.

Did you see those kids play their instrument?

Bernie, our kids are not in a competition.

Wanda, I got to prepare our kids for the real world.

You saw that five-year-old boy.

He spoke Spanish.

Our kids can't even talk English.

From now on, I'm doing something.

Will you teach us Ebonics?

Mm-hmm, okay. All right.

I'll tell you one thing, when I get done with you...

(snickering)

He-he nothin'!

When I get done with y'all,

y'all be smarter than your sister's mouth.

(whispering) Impossible.

Smart aleck.

Oh, I was serious when I told those kids

there wasn't going to be any more video watching.

From now on, in this house, it's going to be all about

higher learning, education and schooling.

Shoot, if I don't nip it in the bud,

Ed's kids are going to be CEO-ing Fortune 500 companies

while my kids will be calling bingo numbers

in a church basement.

Hey, Señorita Bryana,

meet me in la cocina

in diez minutos por un snacko.

Si, Tío Bernito.

I talked to Bryana's teacher,

and she said the best way for a child to learn a language

is to immerse her.

So we ain't speaking nothing but Spanish to her,

and she ain't speaking nothing but Spanish to us.

JORDAN: Uncle Bernie, what's this?

I don't want to play the piano.

And I don't want a dummy for a nephew.

Look, Jordan, I rented this thing,

and you going to play it.

Come on, sit down.

I'll show you.

Come on, sit down.

Now, dig this here. Look.

(playing "Chopsticks")

Or when you get better,

you'll be able to bring it off like this here.

(playing jazzy tune)

Trust me, Shannon, you don't.

Now, I would trade my family for yours any day.

Say adios.

I'm not Bryana.

Look, I'll call you back.

You're not calling anybody back.

You going to start hitting these books.

You're going to get your math grade back up.

But I'm not good in math.

You're not good in math, Vanessa,

because of your study habits.

With a little hard work, you'll get there.

Why? 'Cause you're a Mac.

And what did you get in math?

It's not about me.

It's about you.

So, get to studying.

Sounds like a "D" to me.

I got your "D."

BERNIE: Hey, what you doing in here, son?

It's time for dinner.

No. Dinner ain't for another 20 doggone minutes.

You get right back up in there,

and let me hear some fancy fingering.

Come on, let's go, Jordan.

I didn't rent that piano for nothing. Let's go.

(grumbles)

(humming "Chopsticks")

You can do it. Let's go.

(whines)

You don't know nothing.

Uncle Bernie, can I have a glass of milk?

Is that how you ask, baby girl?

Oh, baby girl.

Uncle Bernie, please?

No, sweetheart, in Español. Remember?

We spent all morning covering milk.

I forgot.

Leechee.

WANDA: It's leche.

And, Bernie, she's just five.

I know she's only five, sweetheart.

There's a lot of five-year-old kids over in Mexico,

and they know how to say it,

and some right here in California.

Show Auntie Wanda you know how to say it.

Go ahead, baby girl.

Leche, por favor.

I told you.

She sounds Italian.

She's only five.

I'm proud of you.

Hey, Bryana, have you seen my new CD?

Mm-mm.

We ain't got no time for no music.

Honey, we eat dinner in 20 minutes.

I'm not hungry.

Well, if you ain't hungry

that gives you more doggone time

to go up in there and study.

And give me that Walkman.

Give it up.

Yeah, you study your math.

Two plus two is four.

Four plus four is six.

Am I right?

Yeah.

No! Eight!

That's why you need to get up in there and study.

Here you go. I brought you some lemonade.

I'm studying.

I know it.

That's why I give you a little break.

You've been studying so hard.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

I'll let you get back.

What's this, baby girl?

Nessa...

a "D"?

You got a "D"?

It don't make no sense.

You been here studying all the time.

-How you get a "D"? -It's hard.

Vanessa, if it's hard, why don't you ask for some help?

I'll help you.

-No. -You won't let me help...

Well...

is this how you study, Nessa?

Answer me.

Is this how you study, Nessa?

I don't know.

Then you ain't got no shame, right?

Okay, then, Nessa...

I got a math problem for you.

"D" plus your attitude

equal grounded.

You should think about that, Nessa.

'Cause it's going to definitely give you a chance

to think about what you just did.

And give you more time to study.

Did you see that?

She didn't even care she got a "D."

In my day, when I got a "D," I felt bad.

Bad because I let myself down and Big Mama down.

Oh, just thinking about the look Big Mama would give me.

Ooh, I mean, still make me shiver.

She didn't have to say nothing.

Just a look was enough.

She didn't even have to punish me.

I punished myself.

Put myself on lockdown till I brought home a better grade.

That darn Vanessa.

Now, America, you tell me again why I can't whip that child.

♪ ♪

Yo, man. Come on, dog.

Let me turn up the radio.

See, let me tell you something.

Y'all better enjoy it while you can,

because when those tickets cost $300 at Carnegie Hall,

don't call me for no hookup.

Brother, I don't think you're going to have

to worry about that.

-Okay, okay. -(laughter)

Go and get off.

But I'm going to tell you something right now.

See, I'm pushing my kids towards excellence.

That's right.

And baby girl, she's going to be a language expert.

I'm immersing her in Spanish.

You want to immerse her in Spanish,

bring her over to my house.

My in-laws are visiting.

We ain't speaking nothing but Spanish, man.

It's like Mexico, 24/7 up in there.

She'll learn a lot, man.

Are you serious, Chuy?

Yeah, man, bring baby girl over.

I think that would be great, man.

That would be good for her and less work for me.

Thank you, baby.

No problemo, papi.

Oh, Bernie got you speaking Spanish, too?

(phone ringing)

Si, si, gracias a mi.

Hello? Hey, Ed.

No.

Shannon's not here.

They went to a party over at Stephanie Johnson's house.

Hey, baby.

You let her go to a party?

I got her on punishment.

I didn't know.

Let me talk to him.

Ed, hold on.

Let me talk to him.

Hello, Ed?

Yeah, this is Mac.

I'm on my way.

Game over.

(dance music playing)

I told my dad I was going to a get-together.

Say the word "party" and he gets all paranoid.

Yeah, fortunately, my Aunt Wanda took pity on me.

She seems pretty cool.

Yeah, but she could have married anybody,

and she married Bernie Mac.

I don't get it.

♪ ♪

Hey, how about some brews?

BOTH: Dieting.

(doorbell rings)

Ah, cool, you're not the cops.

Yo, man, Vanessa here?

I don't know.

(sniffs)

What is that? Smoke?

Y'all smoking in here?

Y'all smoking in here.

Where your parents at?

Man, it's not my house.

Hold on, man. Unsupervised party?

Son, you best get out of my way.

Yo, Vanessa!

Oh, God, and there's no way out.

Nessa!

You all know Vanessa?

That's all right.

I'll find her.

You're too young to die.

Hi, Nessa.

I thought I had you on punishment, Nessa.

What you doing at a party where there's alcohol?

BERNIE: How you doing, Ed?

It seem like our girls lost their mind

at an unsupervised party where there's drinking.

Were you drinking?

No, Dad.

How can I believe anything you say?

You told me you were at Vanessa's house.

-Dad... -No more gymnastics.

Let's go.

No more gymnastics?

But I didn't do anything.

I said, let's go.

-You knew you was on doggone punishment. -Yeah, unfair punishment.

It ain't for you to call what's fair or unfair.

That's my job.

I'm trying to protect you

so you don't make a mess of your stupid, little life.

You should be in the room studying

besides being at some party where there's alcohol.

First of all, I didn't know there was going to be drinking.

That's my point. That's my point right there.

There's a lot of hidden dangers out there, Nessa.

And as you get older and get in high school,

you're going to be exposed to a lot worse than alcohol.

I have been exposed to a lot worse.

Or did you forget where I used to live?

Oh...

Girl got a good point.

Damn.

I don't know what you're so upset about.

I don't want to drink. It's stupid.

And besides, nobody on the gymnastic team drinks.

Okay, Nessa, I'm going to hold you to your word.

You can stay on the gymnastic team, baby.

Thank you.

When your grades get better.

Grades.

(scoffs)

(door slams)

So she don't want to study.

She just wants to do gymnastics.

Well, that's fine.

I'll send her to Russia,

and all the time she ain't studying,

she can spend her time standing in line

for toilet paper and bread.

Oh, who am I kidding?

You just can't send your kids away.

America, this is it.

I'm checking out.

No mas. Adios.

I can't take it no more.

(Jordan pounding on piano keys)

And I'm taking that doggone piano with me.

Hey.

Hey.

So, I guess you don't have to worry

about being late for gymnastics practice.

No kidding.

Is your dad still mad at you?

He's not speaking to me, Vanessa.

Did you at least try to tell him?

Vanessa, he's not even speaking to me.

It's like he hates me.

(sighs)

Told my mom he should send me off to boarding school.

So, now do you want to switch families?

VANESSA: Can I talk to you guys for a second?

I just wanted to tell you guys I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

I really am.

I know you guys want the best for me.

We want the best for you, Nessa,

but you got to want the best for yourself.

I do.

That's what you say.

I hear you talking, but talk is cheap.

You have to do something.

Math is really hard.

(sighs)

Nessa, I know math is hard.

Trig is hard.

Calculus is hard.

Doing a triple back flip is hard,

but I seen you do it.

Will you help me?

Nessa, I'd be glad to help you.

America, I got some exceptional kids.

Sometimes they just need a little push.

Well, in Nessa case, a big push.

But it doesn't matter, just as long as they get there.

And you know what?

They will.

Why? 'Cause they're Macs.

(Jordan playing " Chopsticks" badly)

Take five, Jordan.

Take five!

Take a nap, take something.

I should have put that boy in Spanish class like baby girl.

"Help me" in Spanish. How do...

Llame el policia.

That's close enough.

(Jordan continues playing)

iLlame el policia!

iLlame el policia!

iLlame el policia!

iLlame el policia!

iLlame el policia!

iLlame el policia!

iLlame el policia!

-Llame... -(piano playing stops)

Start taking lessons, my damn-- let's move on.

Yo no voy! Yo no voy!

She said, "I'm not leaving, I'm not leaving."

Oh, that's what she said?

(screams)

Come on, baby...

What's the matter? What's wrong?

Baby girl...

Oh, come on, baby...

No, Papa. No, Papa, no!

What you mean, "No, Papa"?

Hey, you're scaring her, man.

You got her going Elian Gonzales on me.

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0