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1
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♪♪
2
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America,I'm paying the price.
3
00:00:39,064 --> 00:00:41,914
I mean, paying the price
for being Bernie Mac.
4
00:00:41,983 --> 00:00:44,703
Paying the price
for telling the truth.
5
00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:46,288
Speaking my mind.
6
00:00:46,363 --> 00:00:48,583
I don't want to hurt
anybody's feelings,
7
00:00:48,657 --> 00:00:51,877
but sometimes people take
my words the wrong way.
8
00:00:51,886 --> 00:00:54,506
They make a big deal
out of nothing.
9
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:57,758
You don't think so?
You watch this.
10
00:00:57,833 --> 00:00:59,343
You've been
briefed, baby.
11
00:00:59,417 --> 00:01:01,427
Let me tell you
something, Clyde.
12
00:01:01,437 --> 00:01:02,177
I'm listening.
13
00:01:02,254 --> 00:01:03,344
I love my wife
14
00:01:03,414 --> 00:01:04,974
but if something
happened to her, man,
15
00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:07,605
I'm telling you, America,
I'll never get married again.
16
00:01:07,684 --> 00:01:08,894
Oh, come on.
17
00:01:08,969 --> 00:01:10,319
You can't say that.
18
00:01:10,395 --> 00:01:11,555
You didn't answer
the question.
19
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:12,972
You know what?
20
00:01:13,048 --> 00:01:16,528
I ain't making love
to no woman but my wife.
21
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:17,640
Okay, wait a minute.
22
00:01:17,719 --> 00:01:19,649
-You're a movie star.
-Okay.
23
00:01:19,729 --> 00:01:21,459
You must have worked
with beautiful women.
24
00:01:21,532 --> 00:01:23,952
Okay. True dat,
but I'm a professional.
25
00:01:24,025 --> 00:01:25,905
When I'm on the set,
it's all about work.
26
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,786
Okay, okay, we got all that.
27
00:01:27,863 --> 00:01:30,553
But if you had a free pass,
who would you sleep with?
28
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:32,964
-There you go.
-Don't ask nothing personal.
29
00:01:33,034 --> 00:01:35,044
-Who would
you sleep with? -Halle Berry.
30
00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:37,634
-(laughing)
-(electronic boing)
31
00:01:37,706 --> 00:01:38,956
Wasn't it quick?
32
00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,230
Halle Berry,
if you're out there!
33
00:01:41,301 --> 00:01:43,341
No, I'm saying if something
were to happen to my wife.
34
00:01:43,420 --> 00:01:44,800
Like, say,
for instance, she dead.
35
00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:46,430
Okay?
36
00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:48,216
Okay, when she laying
in the coffin,
37
00:01:48,300 --> 00:01:49,900
she laying up in there...
Mmm... the music,
38
00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:51,437
singing and everything.
39
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,518
I would invite Halle Berry
to sit right next to me.
40
00:01:53,597 --> 00:01:55,317
Ooh!
41
00:01:55,399 --> 00:01:57,859
Okay, we go to the funeral.
You know, I supposed to be sad.
42
00:01:57,934 --> 00:02:00,744
I'll look weak. You know,
go through all the burial, man.
43
00:02:00,812 --> 00:02:02,242
Throw that first dirt on her.
44
00:02:02,314 --> 00:02:04,784
You know, I might get
some sympathy sex from her.
45
00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:06,698
Oh! Taking Halle to the grave!
46
00:02:06,776 --> 00:02:08,116
I will play it
to the end.
47
00:02:08,195 --> 00:02:10,655
Know what I'm saying, man?
48
00:02:10,739 --> 00:02:12,179
Hey, he had a point, though.
49
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:14,917
Oh, my wife is all right,
but Halle's better, baby.
50
00:02:14,993 --> 00:02:16,353
Ha-ha-ha!
51
00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:18,168
Bernie Mac's here
all week, everybody.
52
00:02:18,246 --> 00:02:19,876
We'll be
right back.
53
00:02:19,956 --> 00:02:24,216
See? I was just entertaining
the people on the morning drive,
54
00:02:24,294 --> 00:02:26,124
doing what I do best.
55
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:30,266
Now, I ask you: who could
possibly be upset by that?
56
00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:35,148
Bernie, do you know
how embarrassed I was?
57
00:02:35,222 --> 00:02:37,902
Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry.
58
00:02:37,974 --> 00:02:39,654
I swear
I didn't mean nothing by it.
59
00:02:39,726 --> 00:02:41,986
How do you think
it makes me look?
60
00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:43,782
The Richters are my friends.
61
00:02:43,855 --> 00:02:44,905
You stood us up.
62
00:02:44,990 --> 00:02:47,700
We waited for you
for 45 minutes.
63
00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:49,246
The Richters?
64
00:02:50,487 --> 00:02:52,417
Ooh...!
65
00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:56,577
Oh, my God. Baby...
66
00:02:56,660 --> 00:03:00,590
I was supposed
to have drinks with y'all today.
67
00:03:00,664 --> 00:03:01,464
I'm sorry, baby.
68
00:03:01,539 --> 00:03:04,629
I'll reschedule.
I'm sorry.
69
00:03:04,709 --> 00:03:06,189
Forgive me?
70
00:03:08,046 --> 00:03:09,546
Thank you.
71
00:03:09,631 --> 00:03:11,351
(sighing)
72
00:03:11,424 --> 00:03:13,314
I feel so much better.
73
00:03:13,385 --> 00:03:17,435
I thought you
was upset about something else.
74
00:03:17,514 --> 00:03:20,204
What else would I
be upset with you about?
75
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,855
Let's move on, baby.
76
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,897
Bernie?
77
00:03:25,981 --> 00:03:30,781
Well... you know
I did a radio show this morning, right?
78
00:03:30,860 --> 00:03:31,870
America,
79
00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:33,695
I learned my lesson.
80
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:37,330
From now on, I'm not saying
a doggone word.
81
00:03:37,409 --> 00:03:40,339
I'm keeping my big mouth shut.
82
00:03:40,412 --> 00:03:44,052
You said that on the air?!
83
00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:45,548
They're just
jokes, baby.
84
00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:48,835
It's not funny.
85
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:49,880
Oh, come on, Wanda.
86
00:03:49,955 --> 00:03:51,845
You just uptight
about the Richters.
87
00:03:51,923 --> 00:03:53,133
Oh, no, Bernie.
88
00:03:53,208 --> 00:03:55,728
I was annoyed
about the Richters.
89
00:03:55,802 --> 00:03:58,822
I am livid about this.
90
00:04:02,434 --> 00:04:06,034
Livid?
That's two degrees past pissed.
91
00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:08,408
Thank you.
92
00:04:12,569 --> 00:04:15,869
Mm-mmm!
93
00:04:15,947 --> 00:04:17,247
This is delicious.
94
00:04:17,324 --> 00:04:18,874
Kids, I want you
95
00:04:18,950 --> 00:04:21,340
to tell your Aunt Wanda
how good dinner is.
96
00:04:22,203 --> 00:04:25,343
-The fish is bony.
-Shut up.
97
00:04:25,415 --> 00:04:27,505
The best fish
I ever tasted, baby.
98
00:04:27,584 --> 00:04:29,934
Bernie, I know
what you're doing.
99
00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:31,443
You know what I'm doing?
100
00:04:32,422 --> 00:04:33,472
Baby, I just want you to know
101
00:04:33,548 --> 00:04:36,678
how much I appreciate you
in my life.
102
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:37,680
Oh, really?
103
00:04:37,761 --> 00:04:39,031
Yeah.
104
00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:39,897
You appreciate me in your life.
105
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:41,280
Yeah.
106
00:04:42,849 --> 00:04:45,439
(gagging and coughing)
107
00:04:45,518 --> 00:04:48,608
Ow! I think that was a bone.
108
00:04:48,688 --> 00:04:50,238
I'm sorry.
109
00:04:50,315 --> 00:04:53,915
That was
your Uncle Bernie's piece.
110
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:56,424
(coughing continues)
111
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,218
Now, the part
about me being dead--
112
00:05:10,293 --> 00:05:12,593
did that come from you
or from them?
113
00:05:12,670 --> 00:05:15,510
Come on, now, Wanda.
It came from me.
114
00:05:15,590 --> 00:05:19,140
And you brought Halle Berry
to my funeral as a date?
115
00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:21,349
You wasn't dead yet.
116
00:05:21,429 --> 00:05:24,859
I mean, it was
just a fantasy.
117
00:05:24,933 --> 00:05:27,233
Just a fantasy.
118
00:05:27,310 --> 00:05:28,650
Yeah.
119
00:05:28,728 --> 00:05:29,858
Oh.
120
00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:33,528
I mean, the woman
is driving me crazy.
121
00:05:33,608 --> 00:05:35,118
America, was I so wrong?
122
00:05:35,193 --> 00:05:37,123
Was I so wrong?
123
00:05:37,195 --> 00:05:39,365
Hell, yeah, you was wrong.
124
00:05:39,447 --> 00:05:40,527
Now, get back in here
125
00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:43,327
so we can finish
this discussion.
126
00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:45,460
Ha-ha! Like Halle Berry
would want you.
127
00:05:45,471 --> 00:05:48,341
You trippin'.
128
00:05:48,415 --> 00:05:49,625
Now, that's cold.
129
00:05:49,707 --> 00:05:51,417
I'm talking about Alaska cold.
130
00:05:51,501 --> 00:05:53,471
Have you ever seen
a black Eskimo?
131
00:05:53,479 --> 00:05:55,389
Hell, no.
Looking like this here?
132
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:57,307
You know we can't
take no cold.
133
00:05:57,382 --> 00:05:59,432
Women always want
to put you down,
134
00:05:59,509 --> 00:06:02,479
take you down, tell you
Halle Berry don't want me.
135
00:06:02,488 --> 00:06:05,398
If she don't start tightening up
and acting right,
136
00:06:05,473 --> 00:06:07,153
she'll be spending
the rest of her night
137
00:06:07,225 --> 00:06:08,565
all by her doggone self.
138
00:06:08,643 --> 00:06:11,153
She got to put me down,
kill my spirit.
139
00:06:11,229 --> 00:06:12,489
"Halle Berry don't want you."
140
00:06:12,564 --> 00:06:14,164
You'd be surprised who want me.
141
00:06:14,232 --> 00:06:16,992
Uh. Huh.
I still got a little bit left.
142
00:06:17,068 --> 00:06:18,958
I still got a little...
143
00:06:23,241 --> 00:06:25,171
(horn honks)
144
00:06:25,243 --> 00:06:27,053
(grunts softly)
145
00:06:30,623 --> 00:06:34,133
You see, America,
I ain't lying.
146
00:06:34,210 --> 00:06:35,640
She's sleeping alone.
147
00:06:35,712 --> 00:06:36,932
And if she don't calm down,
148
00:06:37,005 --> 00:06:39,135
she going to sleep alone
again tomorrow.
149
00:06:39,215 --> 00:06:40,855
I'm still the master
of this house.
150
00:06:43,261 --> 00:06:45,601
And y'all better recognize.
151
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:47,660
And I'm going to tell you
something else.
152
00:06:47,732 --> 00:06:50,872
I'm going to do the radio show
again tomorrow.
153
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:53,294
So, excuse me, America.
154
00:06:53,363 --> 00:06:55,083
I got to get some rest.
155
00:06:58,485 --> 00:07:00,495
It ain't bleeding, is it?
156
00:07:08,661 --> 00:07:11,301
-Jordan, come out
of there. -No!
157
00:07:11,372 --> 00:07:14,592
You can't stay
in there all day.
158
00:07:14,667 --> 00:07:16,597
How long they been teasing him,
Father?
159
00:07:16,678 --> 00:07:19,678
Ever since you
humiliated the boy
160
00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:21,010
on the radio, Mr. Mac.
161
00:07:21,091 --> 00:07:26,521
(suspenseful ominous
organ music)
162
00:07:26,596 --> 00:07:28,306
You want to know
how I got into this?
163
00:07:28,389 --> 00:07:30,319
My second day on the radio.
164
00:07:30,391 --> 00:07:31,321
(woman laughing)
165
00:07:31,392 --> 00:07:32,452
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!
166
00:07:32,527 --> 00:07:34,317
Bernie Mac,
you know you funny!
167
00:07:34,395 --> 00:07:36,315
Baby, I'm telling you
the truth.
168
00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:37,411
The boy is soft.
169
00:07:37,482 --> 00:07:40,032
He's so soft,
I mean, like ice cream.
170
00:07:40,109 --> 00:07:42,659
Like a kitten head.
His nickname is Pillow.
171
00:07:42,737 --> 00:07:45,327
Well, why can't you
do something to toughen the boy up?
172
00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:47,050
What you want
me to do, Clyde?
173
00:07:47,125 --> 00:07:48,325
I hit the boy for nothing.
174
00:07:48,409 --> 00:07:49,499
I throw him down.
175
00:07:49,577 --> 00:07:50,497
It don't do no good.
176
00:07:50,578 --> 00:07:52,048
Hit him in the face, you know.
177
00:07:52,121 --> 00:07:53,921
I took him to the batting cage,
right?
178
00:07:53,998 --> 00:07:56,548
I held him, let the ball hit him
all up in the chest,
179
00:07:56,626 --> 00:07:58,176
you know, did it on purpose.
180
00:07:58,253 --> 00:07:59,433
I'm a switch hitter.
181
00:07:59,504 --> 00:08:00,764
I'm hitting the ball
left and right.
182
00:08:00,838 --> 00:08:02,228
He's sitting up there.
183
00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:05,137
He's looking through the fence,
crying, wheezing.
184
00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:07,308
He looking
through the gate, you know, wheezing.
185
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:08,387
(imitates wheezing)
186
00:08:08,471 --> 00:08:09,941
MAN:
So, what he looking at?
187
00:08:10,014 --> 00:08:12,574
There's a pottery shop
across the street.
188
00:08:12,642 --> 00:08:14,822
-He want to go.
-(wheezing)
189
00:08:14,894 --> 00:08:16,034
I said, "No, you can't go.
190
00:08:16,104 --> 00:08:17,574
I'm going to show you
how to bat."
191
00:08:17,647 --> 00:08:18,867
Wife over looking at me,
192
00:08:18,949 --> 00:08:20,819
thinking I'm abusing him,
you know what I mean?
193
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:22,330
I take the punk
across the street.
194
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,582
MAN:
You took him there?
195
00:08:24,654 --> 00:08:25,624
I think the punk going
to browse, and everything.
196
00:08:25,697 --> 00:08:26,947
You know, he inside.
197
00:08:27,024 --> 00:08:29,384
I'm waiting outside, you know,
waiting and waiting.
198
00:08:29,459 --> 00:08:31,079
He come out, man,
two hours later.
199
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:32,250
Guess what he done did?
200
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:33,212
BOTH: What he do?
201
00:08:33,288 --> 00:08:34,208
He made us some cups.
202
00:08:34,289 --> 00:08:35,579
(woman laughing)
203
00:08:35,657 --> 00:08:36,887
MAN:
He made you some pottery cups?
204
00:08:36,967 --> 00:08:37,957
Nice cups.
205
00:08:38,035 --> 00:08:39,425
Designed. Got all
our names on them.
206
00:08:39,511 --> 00:08:40,841
-Oh!
-Lord.
207
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,100
Hey, Jordan, you
want to come to my house and play?
208
00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:44,426
Sure.
209
00:08:44,507 --> 00:08:45,727
Good, 'cause my sister's
having a tea party.
210
00:08:45,809 --> 00:08:48,389
You can make the cups.
211
00:08:48,469 --> 00:08:50,399
Aw, don't pout, Kitten Head.
212
00:08:50,471 --> 00:08:53,271
(laughing)
213
00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:54,953
(groaning)
214
00:08:55,026 --> 00:08:57,316
They've been pretty hard
on him, huh?
215
00:08:57,395 --> 00:08:59,355
I don't know the
specifics, Mr. Mac,
216
00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:01,739
but when those kids
get to teasing,
217
00:09:01,816 --> 00:09:04,786
they could reopen
the wounds of Jesus.
218
00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,248
(clearing throat)
219
00:09:08,323 --> 00:09:11,083
Jordan...
220
00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:13,709
Listen, son,
I didn't mean anything.
221
00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:18,756
I'm a comedian, and sometime
I put 100 on ten.
222
00:09:18,833 --> 00:09:21,883
And that mean
I make little things big.
223
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,895
It's make-believe, son.
224
00:09:23,972 --> 00:09:26,682
That's what show business
is all about.
225
00:09:26,758 --> 00:09:28,428
You said I was soft.
226
00:09:28,509 --> 00:09:30,149
(snickering)
227
00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:33,858
Y'all believe that, huh?
228
00:09:33,931 --> 00:09:35,981
Y'all think he's soft?
229
00:09:36,059 --> 00:09:37,439
Well, how many of y'all think
230
00:09:37,518 --> 00:09:40,898
y'all could beat
Jordan up?
231
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,664
Every last one of you, huh?
232
00:09:42,732 --> 00:09:45,412
All right, well,
how many of you all think
233
00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:46,995
y'all could beat me up?
234
00:09:47,862 --> 00:09:48,862
I do hope
there's a point
235
00:09:48,939 --> 00:09:51,869
to this line of
questioning, Mr. Mac.
236
00:09:51,949 --> 00:09:54,789
As doubting Thomas said,
"Show me the stigmata."
237
00:09:54,869 --> 00:09:56,679
Let me handle this,
Father.
238
00:09:58,006 --> 00:10:00,466
Let me tell you all something
right now.
239
00:10:00,541 --> 00:10:02,561
That boy's not soft.
240
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:05,926
He's bold, he's fearless.
241
00:10:06,005 --> 00:10:08,425
Let me tell you all
a story.
242
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:11,018
I had a deep-dish
apple pie.
243
00:10:11,094 --> 00:10:13,104
I went to the refrigerator.
244
00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:14,689
Apple pie gone.
245
00:10:14,764 --> 00:10:16,694
I mean, pie nowhere.
246
00:10:16,766 --> 00:10:19,106
Nobody's in the house
but me and Jordan.
247
00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:21,485
There's Jordan sitting
at the end of the table
248
00:10:21,562 --> 00:10:23,492
with a face full of crumbs.
249
00:10:23,564 --> 00:10:25,494
I asked him
what happened to my pie.
250
00:10:25,566 --> 00:10:27,486
He say
he surprised a food burglar.
251
00:10:27,568 --> 00:10:29,328
I said, "What?!"
252
00:10:29,404 --> 00:10:30,544
I knew it was a lie.
253
00:10:30,613 --> 00:10:32,293
I just wanted to hear it again.
254
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:35,875
He said, "I surprised
a food burglar, Uncle Bernie-- hee-hee."
255
00:10:35,952 --> 00:10:37,922
Hee-hee, nothing.
256
00:10:37,995 --> 00:10:39,475
Let me tell you something.
257
00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:42,625
You can't be soft and tell
a bold-faced lie like that.
258
00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:45,553
You got to be bold
259
00:10:45,628 --> 00:10:47,048
to be that doggone stupid.
260
00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:50,560
So, let me ask you all
another question.
261
00:10:50,633 --> 00:10:52,023
Which one of you all think
262
00:10:52,102 --> 00:10:53,692
y'all bold enough
to eat my apple pie?
263
00:10:53,761 --> 00:10:54,731
Say it.
264
00:10:54,804 --> 00:10:57,034
Say it out. Go ahead.
265
00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:01,899
I didn't think so.
266
00:11:01,978 --> 00:11:05,448
So, I guess this boy
ain't soft after all.
267
00:11:05,523 --> 00:11:06,913
And let me tell
you all something.
268
00:11:06,983 --> 00:11:11,203
I got a million stories
like that I could tell you.
269
00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:13,039
That boy ain't soft.
270
00:11:13,114 --> 00:11:15,924
He's my comic inspiration.
271
00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:18,076
Tell them about the time
I put your car in gear
272
00:11:18,161 --> 00:11:19,541
and let it roll
down the driveway.
273
00:11:19,620 --> 00:11:20,580
Oh, that's a good one.
274
00:11:20,655 --> 00:11:21,845
That was you?
275
00:11:25,793 --> 00:11:29,443
(classmates apologizing)
276
00:11:35,636 --> 00:11:36,596
Is everything
okay with Jordan?
277
00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:37,719
Everything is fine, baby.
278
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:40,568
Bernie Mac
saved the day once again.
279
00:11:40,641 --> 00:11:41,671
Might as well
give your man some hug.
280
00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:42,902
Why don't you
let Halle hug you?
281
00:11:42,977 --> 00:11:45,607
Why don't you stop doing that?
282
00:11:45,688 --> 00:11:46,568
All right.
283
00:11:46,647 --> 00:11:47,927
Why don't you pick somebody?
284
00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:49,568
That's the only way
you'll feel better.
285
00:11:49,650 --> 00:11:50,580
Go on, pick somebody.
286
00:11:50,651 --> 00:11:51,981
No, it's stupid.
287
00:11:52,062 --> 00:11:53,372
No, it's stupid
for you to keep talking about Halle.
288
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:54,906
Go on, pick somebody.
Who it going to be?
289
00:11:54,989 --> 00:11:58,459
Denzel, Wesley,
Chestnut, Tyree?
290
00:11:58,468 --> 00:11:59,838
Go on, pick
somebody,
291
00:11:59,919 --> 00:12:01,379
'cause it ain't
going to bother me like it bothers you.
292
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:03,634
-It bothers you.
-You not letting it go?
293
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,880
No, you not letting it go.
294
00:12:04,957 --> 00:12:07,007
All right, fine,
I guess I pick Roland.
295
00:12:07,084 --> 00:12:08,684
See? Came right
out your mouth.
296
00:12:08,753 --> 00:12:10,813
See, Roland...
297
00:12:13,007 --> 00:12:15,597
Howard Rollins, used to
play on Soldier's Story?
298
00:12:15,676 --> 00:12:16,596
He dead.
299
00:12:16,677 --> 00:12:19,307
I mean Roland, my mechanic.
300
00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:20,562
Your mechanic?
301
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:21,570
He ain't no celebrity.
302
00:12:21,649 --> 00:12:22,819
So?
303
00:12:22,892 --> 00:12:24,942
So, you're supposed
to pick a celebrity.
304
00:12:25,019 --> 00:12:27,149
Like Halle Berry.
I don't know her.
305
00:12:27,230 --> 00:12:28,560
You know him.
306
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,050
You see this cat
every time you go get a oil change.
307
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:33,834
-I don't know him.
-Yes, you do.
308
00:12:33,903 --> 00:12:36,663
You saw him
when we dropped my car off.
309
00:12:36,739 --> 00:12:39,669
Roland.
310
00:12:39,742 --> 00:12:42,592
Roland. Which one
was Roland?
311
00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:45,092
♪ What a man, what a man,what a man ♪
312
00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:46,964
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
313
00:12:47,041 --> 00:12:48,471
♪ Gotta say it again now ♪
314
00:12:48,543 --> 00:12:50,643
♪ What a man, what a man,what a man ♪
315
00:12:50,711 --> 00:12:51,971
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
316
00:12:52,046 --> 00:12:54,056
♪ He's a mighty mightygood man ♪
317
00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:56,015
♪ What a man, what a man,what a man ♪
318
00:12:56,092 --> 00:12:57,772
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
319
00:12:57,778 --> 00:12:59,438
♪ Yes he is ♪
320
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,312
♪ What a man, what a man,what a man ♪
321
00:13:01,389 --> 00:13:03,359
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
322
00:13:03,432 --> 00:13:04,732
♪ Yes he is ♪
323
00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:05,733
♪ What a man ♪
324
00:13:05,810 --> 00:13:07,650
Him?!
325
00:13:07,728 --> 00:13:08,988
Oh, Wanda, come on, now.
326
00:13:09,063 --> 00:13:09,863
You know what, Bernie?
327
00:13:09,939 --> 00:13:12,579
I do feel better.
328
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:13,689
(roaring loudly)
(screaming)
329
00:13:13,768 --> 00:13:15,448
BERNIE:
What's wrong with you?
330
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:17,908
You almost gave Aunt Wanda
a heart attack.
331
00:13:17,989 --> 00:13:20,329
That's funny,
right, Uncle Bernie?
332
00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:22,458
Yeah, you can use that
in your act.
333
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:26,005
I'm going to go think
of some more funny stuff.
334
00:13:31,502 --> 00:13:34,642
Hey, hey, you're gliding
with Clyde and Shirl
335
00:13:34,714 --> 00:13:36,154
here on Bernie Mac Week.
336
00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:38,324
So, Bernie, how did
the kids come to live with you?
337
00:13:38,393 --> 00:13:40,393
Don't mention those
doggone kids to me, man.
338
00:13:40,469 --> 00:13:42,849
Every time I think about them,
I want to kill 'em.
339
00:13:42,930 --> 00:13:44,610
CLYDE:
Oh, come on. Can't be that bad.
340
00:13:44,682 --> 00:13:45,822
It is that doggone bad,
Clyde.
341
00:13:45,892 --> 00:13:47,072
Let me tell you something.
342
00:13:47,143 --> 00:13:48,583
It's a long story, first of all.
343
00:13:48,653 --> 00:13:50,243
See, my sister on drugs.
344
00:13:50,313 --> 00:13:52,363
And I wanted to get the kids
before the state did.
345
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:53,400
Oh, Bernie.
346
00:13:53,475 --> 00:13:54,525
Oh, there
you go again.
347
00:13:54,609 --> 00:13:57,119
That's good.
The man doing the right thing.
348
00:13:57,194 --> 00:13:59,874
I tried to help my sister
time and time and time again.
349
00:13:59,947 --> 00:14:01,367
She don't want no doggone help.
350
00:14:01,449 --> 00:14:03,749
I put her in rehab.
Know what she told me?
351
00:14:03,826 --> 00:14:04,826
What she say?
352
00:14:04,903 --> 00:14:06,293
The last time
I tried...
353
00:14:06,370 --> 00:14:07,970
She ain't going there.
That's for quitters.
354
00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:11,057
She going
to keep smoking it till she get it right.
355
00:14:18,299 --> 00:14:19,169
Hi.
356
00:14:19,242 --> 00:14:21,312
Excuse me.
Aren't you Vanessa?
357
00:14:21,385 --> 00:14:22,885
Yeah.
358
00:14:22,970 --> 00:14:24,490
Is your uncle
a comedian?
359
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:26,404
Yes, he is.
360
00:14:26,474 --> 00:14:27,904
Oh, my gosh.
361
00:14:27,975 --> 00:14:29,725
I heard him on the radio
this morning.
362
00:14:29,810 --> 00:14:30,990
You know, he is
really funny.
363
00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:34,236
I think
that it is so cool
364
00:14:34,315 --> 00:14:36,235
how you and your brother
and sister
365
00:14:36,317 --> 00:14:37,907
survived your mom's crisis.
366
00:14:37,985 --> 00:14:41,295
Your life is really
interesting.
367
00:14:46,836 --> 00:14:47,926
Hey, baby.
368
00:14:48,004 --> 00:14:49,714
Hey, whatever happened
to that old fat guy
369
00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:51,709
used to work
on your car?
370
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,171
I don't drive
a Camry anymore.
371
00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:54,720
You will starting Monday.
372
00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:56,144
Let it go.
373
00:14:56,212 --> 00:14:57,762
I ain't letting
go of nothing.
374
00:14:57,838 --> 00:14:59,138
Hold on.
375
00:14:59,215 --> 00:15:01,015
She's walking in
the door as we speak.
376
00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:02,806
I'll call you back.
Where you been, Nessa?
377
00:15:02,885 --> 00:15:04,295
At school.
378
00:15:04,379 --> 00:15:06,689
You wasn't at school
when I came to pick you up.
379
00:15:06,764 --> 00:15:09,774
Maybe 'cause I didn't
want to ride with you and your big mouth.
380
00:15:09,850 --> 00:15:11,530
What did you
say to me?
381
00:15:11,602 --> 00:15:14,532
You don't need to be
telling my mother's business to everybody.
382
00:15:14,605 --> 00:15:17,065
If you got a problem,
you come and talk to me,
383
00:15:17,149 --> 00:15:18,919
so we can try to work it out.
384
00:15:18,993 --> 00:15:21,293
I'm not trying
to be in your act.
385
00:15:21,371 --> 00:15:24,161
I'm sick of you closing doors
up in my house.
386
00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:25,794
I'm sick of you
talking about my mother.
387
00:15:25,866 --> 00:15:26,666
Who do you think you are?
388
00:15:26,742 --> 00:15:28,422
Who do I think I am?
389
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:30,714
I'm the guy that got you
and your brothers and sisters
390
00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:32,052
up in here in my house.
391
00:15:32,123 --> 00:15:33,803
I'm the man who puts
clothes on your back
392
00:15:33,874 --> 00:15:35,094
and food in your belly.
393
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:36,481
That's the man
who I think I am.
394
00:15:38,879 --> 00:15:41,469
You know, you're right.
395
00:15:41,549 --> 00:15:42,519
What?
396
00:15:42,591 --> 00:15:44,481
You're absolutely right.
397
00:15:44,552 --> 00:15:47,312
It's not that big a deal,
and I overreacted.
398
00:15:47,388 --> 00:15:50,738
You have the right to say
whatever you want to say.
399
00:15:54,103 --> 00:15:58,243
Okay, it's squashed, right?
Everything seems cool.
400
00:15:58,315 --> 00:16:00,365
But didn't it come
a little quick?
401
00:16:00,443 --> 00:16:03,043
I know I did right.
Now keep watching.
402
00:16:03,112 --> 00:16:05,162
This is what happened
the next day.
403
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,413
You're on The Morning Glide
404
00:16:06,490 --> 00:16:08,460
with Clyde, Shirl,
and Bernie Mac.
405
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:09,844
Shirl in the house.
406
00:16:09,919 --> 00:16:11,039
You're looking good, baby.
407
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,000
We've got
another caller.
408
00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:13,753
Hi, Uncle Bernie.
409
00:16:13,831 --> 00:16:14,851
BERNIE:
Who's that? Nessa?
410
00:16:14,924 --> 00:16:15,974
You're a big fake.
411
00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:16,966
CLYDE:
Oh.
412
00:16:17,043 --> 00:16:18,183
Look, look, here, Nessa...
413
00:16:18,252 --> 00:16:19,482
-Oh!
-Come on.
414
00:16:19,554 --> 00:16:21,264
Anybody ain't got no time
for this bull now.
415
00:16:21,338 --> 00:16:22,508
Ooh, this could be hot.
416
00:16:22,590 --> 00:16:23,890
Go ahead, Nessa.
417
00:16:23,966 --> 00:16:25,176
You're always talking about
418
00:16:25,259 --> 00:16:27,149
keeping it real
and telling the truth,
419
00:16:27,228 --> 00:16:28,938
but you don't keep it real.
420
00:16:29,013 --> 00:16:30,443
Clyde, why don't you take
another call?
421
00:16:30,514 --> 00:16:32,154
We ain't got time
for that foolishness.
422
00:16:32,224 --> 00:16:34,234
Not now, Bernie.
Uh, go ahead, Nessa. Elaborate.
423
00:16:34,310 --> 00:16:36,830
He's always smoking
these Cuban cigars.
424
00:16:36,904 --> 00:16:38,574
Isn't that illegal?
425
00:16:38,647 --> 00:16:39,987
Last time I checked.
426
00:16:40,066 --> 00:16:41,616
Unless his last name's Castro.
427
00:16:41,692 --> 00:16:43,832
Let me tell you something,
you little stool pigeon.
428
00:16:43,903 --> 00:16:44,993
How come you
ain't in school?
429
00:16:45,071 --> 00:16:47,201
No. You know what?
It gotta be a gift.
430
00:16:47,281 --> 00:16:48,831
You know how
the people give you a lot...
431
00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,452
CLYDE:
Uh-huh.
432
00:16:50,526 --> 00:16:52,666
But he's the only onethat smokes the good cigars.
433
00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:55,375
His friends just think
they smoke Cubans.
434
00:16:55,456 --> 00:16:58,636
He puts Cuban labels
on the cheap ones he gives them.
435
00:16:58,718 --> 00:16:59,838
That-that's not true.
436
00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:01,189
That's not true.
437
00:17:01,262 --> 00:17:03,552
See, see, see, Chuy--
he only smoke a little bit.
438
00:17:03,631 --> 00:17:06,151
I tell him,
"These cigars cost $20 a stick.
439
00:17:06,225 --> 00:17:07,885
You just don't keep wasting them
like that."
440
00:17:07,968 --> 00:17:09,058
Clyde, what would you do?
441
00:17:09,136 --> 00:17:10,136
You're right. You know?
442
00:17:10,221 --> 00:17:11,561
You gotta smoke it
all the way up.
443
00:17:11,573 --> 00:17:12,473
You know what I mean?
444
00:17:12,549 --> 00:17:13,899
What else you got there, Nessa?
445
00:17:13,974 --> 00:17:15,284
Have you ever noticed
446
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,440
how he's always calling himself
"Bernie Mac"?
447
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,320
"Bernie Mac's so great,
Bernie Mac's so smart."
448
00:17:20,397 --> 00:17:22,907
Bernie Mac just likes
to say "Bernie Mac."
449
00:17:22,983 --> 00:17:24,373
You know, I did notice that.
450
00:17:24,443 --> 00:17:25,863
No, Bernie Mac ain't amused.
451
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:27,870
First of all, I ain't
that kind of vain.
452
00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:29,657
I'm not that vain
of-of a person.
453
00:17:29,740 --> 00:17:32,670
Plus he's been nice to you guysall week,
454
00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:34,667
but you don't hear
what he says about you
455
00:17:34,745 --> 00:17:35,875
when he comes home.
456
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,055
Oh, and what
does he say?
457
00:17:37,131 --> 00:17:38,671
Let's move on
with this here. This...
458
00:17:38,749 --> 00:17:40,259
Go ahead.
Go ahead, Nessa.
459
00:17:40,334 --> 00:17:43,314
Well, he says that that ladyis lucky she works in radio.
460
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:48,318
(dial tone)
461
00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:52,858
I, I-I...
Let's take another caller.
462
00:17:52,939 --> 00:17:54,189
CLYDE:
Do that. Let's do that.
463
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:55,939
Let's do that.
All right, all right.
464
00:17:56,016 --> 00:17:56,936
Yeah, let's take
another caller.
465
00:17:57,017 --> 00:17:58,137
Let's see here
what we got here.
466
00:17:58,219 --> 00:18:00,779
We got Chuy on line three.
What's up, Chuy?
467
00:18:00,855 --> 00:18:01,645
You on with Bernie Mac.
468
00:18:01,730 --> 00:18:03,570
Chuy?
469
00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:05,159
Chuy, we need you
to speak right now.
470
00:18:05,234 --> 00:18:07,624
Look, I ain't never tried
to hurt...
471
00:18:07,695 --> 00:18:09,405
I never said nothing
about your mama.
472
00:18:09,488 --> 00:18:12,288
Now my man Chuy
won't even talk to me,
473
00:18:12,366 --> 00:18:14,326
and I lost
my Cuban connection,
474
00:18:14,410 --> 00:18:16,540
and I still got
to go in tomorrow.
475
00:18:16,620 --> 00:18:18,000
I'm tired of this.
476
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,890
It ends today.
477
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:24,468
Hey, listen.
478
00:18:24,545 --> 00:18:26,965
I want to talk to all
of you all.
479
00:18:27,047 --> 00:18:28,597
Where's your brother?
480
00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:30,694
Here I am.
481
00:18:30,768 --> 00:18:32,138
I'm Backwards Man.
482
00:18:32,219 --> 00:18:33,139
(laughs)
483
00:18:33,220 --> 00:18:34,560
Isn't that stupid?
484
00:18:34,638 --> 00:18:36,518
You can use that in your act
tomorrow on the radio.
485
00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:38,403
Jordan, come over here
and sit down.
486
00:18:38,475 --> 00:18:40,025
I'm not using nothing
in no act.
487
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:41,336
You're not going to be here,
488
00:18:41,412 --> 00:18:42,782
so you might as well stop
your antics.
489
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:45,325
Now zip your pants up.
I can see your ass.
490
00:18:48,110 --> 00:18:50,330
Now, look...
491
00:18:50,404 --> 00:18:52,314
I know you all were very upset
with me this week
492
00:18:52,390 --> 00:18:55,460
because of some of the things
I went on the radio and I said,
493
00:18:55,534 --> 00:18:58,424
and I want you all to know
that I'm deeply sorry.
494
00:18:58,495 --> 00:19:00,165
But you all
need to understand,
495
00:19:00,247 --> 00:19:03,127
I went on the radio
with great intentions.
496
00:19:03,209 --> 00:19:05,889
I went on the radio
to make people laugh,
497
00:19:05,961 --> 00:19:08,011
'cause that's what I do.
498
00:19:08,088 --> 00:19:10,008
I'm a comedian.
499
00:19:10,090 --> 00:19:11,470
And the last thing
500
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:13,317
I want to do is hurt the people
I love the most.
501
00:19:14,094 --> 00:19:18,314
But you all got
to let me be me.
502
00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:22,950
I just happen to know
how to make fun of my problems.
503
00:19:23,979 --> 00:19:26,859
And to Nessa...
504
00:19:26,941 --> 00:19:28,751
I want to say I'm sorry.
505
00:19:29,652 --> 00:19:31,332
I said some things
about your mother,
506
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:33,497
and I know
that it hurt you deeply,
507
00:19:33,572 --> 00:19:34,992
but what you got to understand,
sweetheart,
508
00:19:35,065 --> 00:19:38,705
that's my sister,
and I love her, too,
509
00:19:38,786 --> 00:19:41,246
and we just deal with our pain
differently.
510
00:19:41,330 --> 00:19:44,920
And no matter
what the outcome is,
511
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,930
I love you guys,
512
00:19:47,002 --> 00:19:50,272
despite what I might say.
513
00:19:55,261 --> 00:19:57,281
We cool?
514
00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:02,276
All right, go in your room.
515
00:20:06,438 --> 00:20:08,028
Uncle Bernie?
516
00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:09,467
Yeah, baby girl.
517
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:12,945
You didn't say anything bad
about me on the radio.
518
00:20:13,028 --> 00:20:14,128
(laughs)
519
00:20:14,205 --> 00:20:16,955
Baby girl, go in your room.
520
00:20:18,993 --> 00:20:21,473
(sniffling)
521
00:20:24,665 --> 00:20:27,045
I heard everything
that you said.
522
00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:30,426
That was very sweet.
523
00:20:30,504 --> 00:20:32,944
I'm fine if
you're fine.
524
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:37,273
Well, I feel much better now.
525
00:20:37,344 --> 00:20:38,604
I'd feel even better
526
00:20:38,679 --> 00:20:42,109
if you dropped it
like it was hot.
527
00:20:42,182 --> 00:20:43,072
Drop it
with me, baby.
528
00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:45,072
Ooh.
529
00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:46,074
Ooh.
530
00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:47,865
(laughs)
531
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:49,237
I won't mention
Halle Berry
532
00:20:49,315 --> 00:20:50,525
if you don't
mention Roland.
533
00:20:50,607 --> 00:20:52,907
Roland?
I was just kidding you.
534
00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:54,405
Mm-hmm.
535
00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:55,786
I love you, Wanda.
536
00:20:55,863 --> 00:20:58,083
I love you,
too, baby.
537
00:20:58,157 --> 00:20:59,007
Come on.
538
00:21:01,043 --> 00:21:04,253
Oh, Wanda, Wanda.
539
00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:06,960
Bernie, it's time.
540
00:21:07,041 --> 00:21:08,551
Yeah, I know you right.
541
00:21:08,625 --> 00:21:11,925
I just can't believe
she gone, baby.
542
00:21:12,004 --> 00:21:13,104
What am I gonna do, Lord?
543
00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:14,642
Bernie, she was cute,
544
00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:18,309
but you got to
get over this.
545
00:21:18,385 --> 00:21:20,265
Come on.
You think I won't?
546
00:21:20,346 --> 00:21:21,646
What time my flight, baby?
547
00:21:21,722 --> 00:21:22,822
Now.
548
00:21:24,892 --> 00:21:26,402
What, what?
549
00:21:26,477 --> 00:21:29,487
Taking Halle
to my funeral.
550
00:21:29,563 --> 00:21:31,283
Baby, you dreaming
about Halle?
551
00:21:31,357 --> 00:21:34,117
Not anymore.
I'm up.
552
00:21:34,193 --> 00:21:35,203
I was, too.
553
00:21:35,277 --> 00:21:36,877
You're in trouble.
554
00:21:43,577 --> 00:21:44,537
Cute toes, though.
555
00:21:44,620 --> 00:21:45,540
Yeah, she don't cook.
556
00:21:45,621 --> 00:21:46,651
She did have
some cute toes.
557
00:21:46,730 --> 00:21:48,840
-What's wrong
with that one? -That one broke.
558
00:21:48,916 --> 00:21:53,546
-Okay, (bleep) y'all.
-(all laughing)
559
00:21:53,629 --> 00:21:56,099
I don't know why
you married her in the first place.
560
00:21:56,173 --> 00:21:57,853
I'll tell you
why he married me.
561
00:21:57,859 --> 00:21:59,329
'Cause I'm (bleep).
562
00:21:59,410 --> 00:22:01,520
-Get your ass out.
-Oh, I'll get my ass out.
563
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:04,559
Don't make me take
my shoes off.
564
00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:05,400
Help me.
565
00:22:05,474 --> 00:22:06,154
Oh, Lord!
566
00:22:06,225 --> 00:22:08,365
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
567
00:22:08,415 --> 00:22:12,965
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