Original subtitles

Yes, I'm smiling.

It's a good day.

It's Sunday, and it's Bernie Mac Day.

And every kid in this house knows Bernie Mac Day.

And that means, you can't look at me.

You can't touch me.

You can't talk to me.

And you better not breathe around me.

Uncle Bernie, Jordan won't...

Oops, I forgot-- it's Bernie Mac's Day.

Bernie Mac's Day.

♪ Bernie ♪

♪ Bernie ♪

♪ Bernie Mac ♪

♪ Whoa. ♪

Now hold on, let me tell you something.

I give them kids six days out of the week.

It's only fair that I have one.

Now, the Lord even said we should rest on the seventh.

Now, I'm not saying I'm the Lord,

but I will put forth a mighty vengeance

if I'm disobeyed.

♪ Boom boom boom, Bernie Mac Day ♪

♪ Boom boom boom, Bernie Mac Day ♪

♪ Boom boom boom, Bernie Mac Day ♪

I love mac and cheese.

You got what you wanted, son.

What's that?

What's that?

My Bernie Mac Day cereal.

Okay. (claps) That you picked out.

♪ Bernie Mac Day ♪

♪ Bernie Mac Day ♪

♪ Bernie Mac... ♪

(growls) ♪ Bernie Mac Day... ♪

That's the way it works.

It's tradition.

On every Bernie Mac Day Eve,

I let them pick out whatever they want,

from cereal, sugar, toys, cookies, ice cream.

I got them push-ups, roll-ups, I don't care if they throw up.

Just don't bother me on Bernie Mac Day.

SPORTS ANNOUNCER: He said he still has some

bad blood that he wants to settle.

(toilet flushing)

(toilet flushing)

Stop playing with that toilet!

That toilet is not made for playing!

Help me, help me!

Commence...

Underwater...

Rescue!

Aw, come on, come on!

Where you going, baby girl?

Vanessa, I know you hear me. Where you going?

I can't talk to you. It's Bernie Mac Day.

You can't initiate conversation.

But you can answer a direct question.

Addendum to the rule.

Article Nine, Subsection C.

Let's try it again. Now, baby, where you going?

Michele's.

Michele?

I thought you said she moved out of town.

All right, fine, Paula's.

(turns off TV)

You're just going to sit there

and tell me a lie like that, right?

A bold-faced lie like that, huh, Nessa?

If you don't want me to lie, don't talk to me.

You know what, let me tell you something.

If I'd have ever talked to Big Mama

the way you talk to me, girl

she'd a knocked me up to kingdom come.

Kingdom Come? Is that near Child Services?

(exasperated sigh)

-(toilet flushing) -I don't what to say...

Major malfunction.

I done told y'all about playing with that doggone toilet!

(screaming)

St... stay right there.

We're not done.

We're not done.

Boy, you begged me for those army men.

-(laughing) -(mock laugh)

You got all that hair in there.

Ruined my Bernie Mac Day.

WANDA: Bernie, don't you think you're being a little dramatic?

Nope.

They lie.

They don't know right from wrong, Wanda.

They're heathens.

They're kids.

(knocking at door)

We're busy!

Did you hear what I said?

Can I have my army men back?

You're just not listening.

Didn't I tell you to get out?

See that? You see what I'm talking about?

You see what I'm talking about.

They couldn't have gotten away with that

when Big Mama was around.

You can't tell me that.

Right. You're right.

Man, baby, let me tell you something.

Big Mama had two things that kept us in line.

That was church, and whippings.

Church and whippings.

Well, you can't whip those kids.

It's just been a bad Bernie Mac Day all the way around.

Your Aunt Wanda and I have decided that you kids

need to get churched.

Church?

Is that like a whupping?

No, it's like, bad English.

Now see.

Like that.

Talking back.

You don't see nothing wrong with that.

So you kids gotta learn.

You all gotta get the fear of God in ya.

Honor thy mother and thy father figure.

So, next Sunday... (chuckles)

We're all going to spend it in church.

But what about Bernie Mac Day?

We'll spend it in church.

Don't the Bears play the Raiders next Sunday?

-You sure? -Mm-hmm.

I thought they had a bye.

Uh, no, you must be thinking of the Vikings.

They have bye next week.

(clears throat)

Well, they just going to have to play without us.

Because next Sunday, we'll give our day to the Lord-a.

We're going to church.

Church!

(grunting and preaching)

♪ Send it on down, Send it on down ♪

♪ Lord, it's the Holy Ghost Come on down ♪

♪ Lord, send it on down ♪

♪ Send it on down... ♪

Come on, now.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Stand up. Come on now.

Stand up, baby.

Ain't this nice?

This real nice.

Uncle Bernie?

Shh, no talking in church.

What if I have to use the bathroom?

Jordan, you can hold it for an hour.

A whole hour?!

You mean to tell me you can't hold your urine for God?

Do it for the Lord, Jordan.

All right.

Good boy, good.

♪ Come on down. ♪

Come on, sit down.

(cheers)

Get up. Get up.

Come on, now!

♪ I love to praise Him ♪

♪ I love to praise His name ♪

(song ending)

(organ plays)

Come on, get up. Get up.

(choir sings)

♪ Yes, it is! Yes, it is! ♪

Stand back up, stand back up.

Baby, stand back up.

And you're visiting us from where?

Church of the Lord in, uh, Tyler, Texas

where the Reverend Joe McQueen presides.

Praise God.

CONGREGATION: Praise God. Amen.

Welcome to First Faithful.

Thank you.

Glory be to God!

Are there any other visitors?

BRYANA: We're visitors!

Uh, yes, uh...

First, I'd like to say, uh, giving honor to God.

Bishop, members, and friends.

My name is Bernie Mac, and this is my lovely wife Wanda,

and we're taking care of my sister's kids,

and my wife and I have decided

that we want to try to get the fear of... I mean,

the love of God...

ALL: Amen.

...into these children.

Because every child need the Lord.

(all assent)

Did I say it right?

Did I say it right?

Well, Mr. Mac.

Yes, sir.

Everyone needs the Lord.

Needs the Lord!

He's one of the Original Kings.

Oh, the "Original Kings."

Well, that's a mighty high claim, your majesty.

It's just a name, Bishop, to sell tickets.

That's all it is.

Do you sell a lot of tickets?

Yes, sir.

Praise God.

And so you had a big audience, thousands of people.

Amen.

Would you call that a multitude?

No, sir, Bishop, I wouldn't call it a multitude,

but, uh, we was all up in there.

(laughing)

Yeah, and while you was all up in there,

did you feed that multitude

with two fish and five loaves of bread?

I don't think so!

You see, there's only one original king,

and his name is what?

CONGREGATION: Jesus!

-Tell him! -Jesus!

Welcome to First Faithful.

(cheers)

The ushers will now lead the children under five

to the assembly hall.

What's going on?

Oh, we always do this

about halfway through the service.

-Halfway? -Halfway.

Take me with you, baby girl.

Baby girl?

Uncle Bernie, let go.

Bernie Mac.

Ouch! What are you giving me that Big Mama pinch for?

Because you are acting like a fool up in here.

It's taking too doggone long.

Black churches, make up your mind.

I gotta get outta here.

(clearing throat)

Vanessa?

I left my Bible in the car.

Let me slide by you, right quick. Excuse me.

Oh, I got it, I got it. It's cool.

Here you go.

What makes you so helpful today?

I'm filled with the Holy Ghost.

BISHOP: ...and your faith must lead.

Forgive me, Big Mama, huh, for what I'm about to do.

Hmm. I'm about to bust a move.

Pop. Psheww!

Gone, split. See ya'!

(whispers) Wet yourself. Wet yourself.

What are you talking about, Uncle Bernie?

I want you to use the gift God gave you.

Start wheezing and coughing.

You know what you can do.

Is there a problem?

Yes, sir. My nephew, he has to use the bathroom.

I don't want to interrupt the service, so...

-Not a problem. -No, no...

-I'll take him. -No, no, no, no. No, I'll take him. I'll take him.

No, no, no. You just stay there

and enjoy the word.

Stop it, Bernie Mac.

You are making a spectacle of yourself.

I'm not making no spectacle of myself.

You are. We will be home soon.

When is soon, baby?

I got to get out of here. I can't take it.

I'm sorry, Big Mama, I gotta get out of here.

Why didn't you just leave with Vanessa?

Well, Vanessa...

Why she didn't take me with her?

You know she don't like you.

She act like she hate me.

I could left my sister, I took all those...

Shh!

Cut it out.

Just listen to the preacher.

You're acting worse than the kids.

(wrapper crinkling)

Shh!

(snoring)

(snorts)

(sneezes)

(sniffles)

(snores)

Bernie. Bernie Mac, wake up.

You fell asleep, you missing everything.

BISHOP: Well, now, brothers and sisters,

all I need is just one more soul to save today,

and then we can all go home.

WOMAN: A soul for Jesus!

Just one, just one.

He said if we save one more soul, we can go home?

Just one?

Yes!

Hallelujah!

Yes!

Praise God! Praise God!

Hallelujah!

Save one!

Saved, I'm saved.

-Yes! -Yes, sir.

Yes, sir!

Lord, it's a wonderful day!

Thank you, Jesus!

Well, that's our service for today.

You all will follow me in a minute.

New member orientation shouldn't take more than a few hours.

But I'm feeling the spirit today, so don't hold me to it.

Amen!

CONGREGATION: Amen!

And for the rest of you, I'll see you next week.

Have a blessed one.

Yes, sir!

Yes, sir, God bless you.

Welcome, welcome to the church.

God bless you, sister.

Handle that, huh?

The Lord giveth, and Bernie Mac taketh.

Oh, man.

-(doorbell chimes) -God must be letting you win,

because He knows that's the only way

He can get you back in church.

(laughter)

Let me tell you something. I ain't never going back in that church.

I don't care if Moses's speaking.

I ain't never...

-Man, that was the most boring church -Uncle Bernie.

I ever been in my life.

Uncle Bernie.

Yeah, baby? Bishop, Bishop.

Hey, Brother Bernie, how you doing?

-I'm... -Well, this is Deacon Willis,

and we just wanted to stop by

and personally welcome you to the First Faithful family.

First Faithful family.

Now, if this is not a good time,

we can always come back.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no--

y'all are family. Come on in.

Oh, well, God bless you.

-Amen. -Amen.

Uh... Here, I kind of missed last Sunday.

(chuckling)

And, uh... couple Sundays before that.

(chuckling)

Amen, Brother.

In Jesus' name.

Why don't y'all pull up a seat?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Well, now, no, we've really got to go,

but, uh, well, if you insist.

Yeah, yeah, sit down.

Bernie don't mind, right?

I guess not.

Let me put my cigar out.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You go on and enjoy your cigar.

See, God wants us to have pleasures.

Lord, bless him, and relieve him

of that evil tobacco demon.

Evil demon.

-Amen. -Amen.

ALL: Amen.

(clearing throat)

Well, you, um... mind if we join you?

Well, um, we're playing poker.

Well, we know how to play poker.

Just 'cause we men of the cloth

don't mean that we ain't men.

Amen.

Join in, dawg.

Hey, all right.

Uh, now, y'all, y'all, y'all ain't, ain't playing for money, are you?

Uh, a little pocket change, that's all.

Uh-uh-uh.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Well, I'm not here to judge what you did before.

-Amen. -But the rest of this night why don't we

-Bishop, Bishop... -these chips aside

and play for the glory of the Lord?

Glory of the Lord.

Glory of the Lord.

-Yeah. -Amen.

BISHOP: I'm going to deal.

Go on, deal, man!

Shake it up, Deacon.

Yes, sir.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

No, Bishop, I won't be able

to cut the homeless' hair this morning, I'm sorry.

What they need a haircut for anyway?

They homeless.

If I cut their hair, they'll lose their strength.

What?

You, you really gettin' on my nerve

in the name of the Lord, you really are.

Look, Bishop, I got, I got to take a leak.

What? A salaam alaikum.

I mean, praise the Lord.

These people just don't leave you alone.

I thought church ended on Sunday.

They got it leakin' through the rest of the week.

Now, don't get me wrong.

There's nothing I'd rather have

than a long-term commitment with the Lord at any church.

But this church--

I'd rather have a one-night stand.

Now, understand something--

I know the Lord got soldiers working for him,

but for some reason, I feel like they just attacking me.

Excuse me.

-Bernie Mac. -Yes.

We saw you get saved at First Faithful.

Hallelujah, yeah.

We sure proud of you.

You sure enough blessed.

Thank you.

We hopin' the Lord will bless us with a car one day.

Amen.

He will.

-Pray for us. -For sure.

Don't have to be as nice as this, though.

As long as it's nice.

Yeah.

Sure, you're right.

Could she just get a little bit of air conditioning?

You never know when that bus is going to come.

Yes, ma'am.

Let me turn it on max for you, okay?

How's that?

(people sighing)

Uh, listen, how far are you all going?

God going to bless you real good, Bernie Mac.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

I just...

(doorbell chiming)

Nessa, Nessa, Nessa, Nessa.

Don't answer the door.

Why?

It's the Bishop!

The Bishop.

That's why.

Look here, I'm going to the den.

Tell them I'm busy, okay?

You want me to lie?

No, I don't want you to lie. Just tell them I'm not in. Can you do that?

So, you're hiding?

Ain't nobody hiding.

Every time I ask you to do something you can't never do

you act like I'm a cell mate.

I'm your blood.

Just do it.

Okay, but...

what would Jesus do?

Jesus got nothing to do with this.

Go to your room, Vanessa.

(doorbell chimes)

Why folks always got to bring the Lord in it?

Hey. Brother Bernie.

Bishop. Bishop.

Yes, sir.

Brother Bernie.

Deac.

Y'all bring the choir with you?

(laughing)

So, um...

How you all doing?

Just fine. Just fine.

Listen, forgive us for intruding like this,

but the last time we was here,

we couldn't help but notice how much space you've got.

God has blessed you with a beautiful home.

Beautiful home.

Well, uh, also I've saved my money, Bishop,

and I've worked hard over the last past years, so...

Yeah, that goes without saying.

Well, I just thought I'd say it anyway.

Amen.

(all laughing)

Brother Mac, we felt that, uh,

since you have all these blessings

that the best way for a baby Christian

like yourself to evolve into the fold

is to invite the fold to your house on Thursday night

for Bible study.

Which used to be your poker night.

Used to be.

-Amen. -Amen.

Mm-mmm.

I'm sorry.

What am I supposed to do?

Y'all see this relationship ain't working for me.

If I wait too long, stuff going to get messy.

Feelings going to get hurt.

Might be name calling.

No, uh-huh. That's it.

One thing, make a clean break.

You're smothering me. Smothering me.

I, I, I, I, I thought everything was going so well.

Uh... Is it another church?

I didn't want to say in front of the children.

-No. -Yeah.

But... it's okay.

It's okay.

I just hope we can still see each other.

A-As friends.

In Christ.

I'll call you.

He ain't gonna call.

♪ Boom boom boom, Bernie Mac Day ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom... ♪

I'm ready for church, Uncle Bernie.

Oh, baby girl, I forgot to tell you.

We're not going to church today.

But, Uncle Bernie, won't God be mad at us?

Well, see, um... look, uh...

I can't lie to you, baby.

Church is too long for Uncle Bernie.

But, Uncle Bernie, don't we love God?

See the thing is, it's not about God.

It's just the service takes forever.

You know, if I knew a church that had shorter time

and go half that length,

baby, I would take you to church right now.

Right now.

You know what?

Catholic mass is only one hour.

-Really? -Really?

I'll get the car keys.

(laughing)

Go and get dressed.

(monks singing)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

JORDAN: (laughing)

Oh, baby, it wasn't that bad.

Uncle Bernie, you were right.

We learned so much in Sunday school.

Oh, son.

Uncle Bernie, I'm sorry I talk back to you.

My ignorant child.

Uncle Bernie, I love you.

This is what it's all about.

Bernie Mac.

Bernie. Bernie Mac, wake up.

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