Original subtitles

Uh, sex. Ha ha ha.

Well, yeah, sex.

Um...what do you say, really, you know?

Uh, you like a guy, you do it with him,

sometimes he calls. Sometimes he doesn�t.

Oh...hi. -What are you doing here?

I had a lunch break, so I came by to say hello.

God, your teacher is such afox.

He�s coming back. He�s coming back.

Uh, why don�twe talk about that...later?

And I just want to say that the burning sensation...

is totally normal.

Um, sex is really fun.

When you�re old enough,

which none of you are.

Trust me, I should know.

�Cause when you lose it to some guy named Junior--

with bad breath in the back of a van...

at a Guns �N� Roses concert...

you�ll wish you listened to your mother when she said,

"Nobody�s gonna wanna buy the whole ice cream truck...

when you�re handing out the popsicles for free."

Ahh!

Any questions?

Oh, I know it�s hard...

I mean difficult, difficult,

but safe sex is really important.

OK, so just imagine that the bananas...

are the real thing.

In a land called Every Man�s Fantasy.

God, I can�t do this.

That�s because we don�t have sex with bananas.

OK, wait a second.

Do you really think she hooked up with our Rob?

I mean, they�re so different.

Well, sometimes opposites attract.

You know what, though?

I feel like I�m really ready to do it.

You know, like, have sex for the first time.

It�s a big deal. -I know.

Just make sure you�ve found the right person.

You know, Ad�lie penguins,

they spend their whole lives...

looking for that one other penguin,

and when they meet them, they know,

and they spend the rest of their lives together.

But I�m not a penguin.

Oh, it�s an analogy.

Excuse me.

I have to go die now.

Hey, kids, Cindy here.

Bad news about the prom.

East Glen East is gonna do Millennium, too.

What?!

Calm down. Calm down.

Calm down! Sit!

OK, let�s focus, all right? It�s--it�s prom theme.

All we need is a new idea.

Um, how about Under the Sea?

Yeah, right.

Oh, please. -Been done.

How--how about the eighties?

What do you think we are, amateurs?

All right. All right.

Josie.

That�s not a theme.

Thankyou. Uh, no...

OK, Josie will have the answer.

Uh, h-how--how--how about Meantfor Each Other:

Famous Couples Throughout History.

Absolutely. Absolutely!

we love it. -That was so brilliant.

Here, try these.

Gus, listen, it is a great story.

They keep the tags on...

and then they return the clothes afterthey�ve worn them.

Gus?

Hi.

Hi. -What�s up?

I was just looking at this cardigan.

Isn�t it cool?

Oh, my God. Like, there goes another lemming.

Good play! Good play! -Go, Rob!

Go, sexy boys.

You guys, victory dance.

Kegger party tonight at my house.

Yeah!

Hey, that was a great play, Rob. Great play.

You know, you may be just what South Glen needs...

to win state this year.

Will I get to play in the championship game?

Play in? You�re gonna start! Short stop, and listen,

I don�twant to put extra pressure on you,

but there�s going to be some pro scouts out there looking.

Thanks, Coach Romano. -You�re welcome.

Just glad to be part of a team again.

Josie, you�ve totally transitioned.

Transitioned?

Yeah, you crossed over...

Into our group.

It�s so hard to do.

People try all through school to transition,

and never make it.

Wannabes.

Guy is totally crunching on you.

Do I want to be crunched?

By Guy?

Oh, yeah. -Oh, yeah.

Hi.

Splendiferous?

Totally.

I�m not going to her again.

She calls it a pedicure?

She wants me.

Bye. Out. Good night. Bye.

Ms. Haskell is gone and forgotten. Next...

sack races at the company picnic.

Yes or no?

Sorry I�m late.

I love that top.

Thank you. The horse shoes.

It�s all about horse shoes.

Excuse me?

I�m trying to get to a tennis game.

Could you please tell me,

what is the status of your story, Ms. Geller?

Oh, uh, great.

Totally rufus.

Is this something I possibly could see?

I--I have some notes.

I don�t need your notes. I need your story.

Though I must speak for all of us here,

I have seen your tapes. Compelling stuff.

But I want the story in two weeks.

Two weeks, Ms. Geller,

or I�ll "rufus" you right outta here.

I think you�re going to be a great reporter,

but if you aren�t, you and Gus are fired.

Next order of business.

Yes or no?

Hello, you guys.

Hi, guys. -I�m Rob�s prom date.

Really? -Yeah.

Oh, my God. Wow!

Yeah...yeah...

She�s 16 years old, Rob. -l know. And a gymnast.

Rob, it�s completely and totally illegal.

I�ll tell you why, for the following reasons--

Hi. -Hi.

Uh...

I gotta talk to you.

I need some air.

I�ll see you around the cellblock, Mrs. Robinson.

Hey, Rob?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Ball player.

Yeah, I know, but, I mean, what if you don�t make it?

I mean, you don�t want to be working...

at the mail place for the rest of your life.

Uh, it�s OK for an after-school job, but...

"Hi, I�m Rob and I run the Tiki Post"?

Totally lame.

Is this like a lemon meringue pie color or something?

It�s--it�s, uh...

Oh, you know what?

Maybe we should go into another room.

Uh, I�ve checked each and every one of these rooms.

There�s, I mean, serious couples in there.

This is fine. This is fine.

Someone�s gettin� hooked up. -Yeah, baby.

Wow. Rob�s sister is a loser.

Um, please come here.

I need to talk to you about something.

It�s a comfy bed.

OK.

Yeah, it�s nice. It�s nice.

Uh...

I know that you�ve probably already heard...

that I want to ask you to prom, but, uh...

there�s something different about it asking in person.

I know that we didn�t hit it off in the beginning.

And, uh, I--I really--

Yes.

Yes.

It�s rufus.

Uh...

Where do I pick you up?

How do we arrange this? What do I do?

Uh, we can meet here at Rob�s,

and we can all share a limousine together.

Thank you.

H-h-have a good evening.

And--and thank you.

Hey, Josie. Hey, Rob.

Lookin� good, guys.

Josie, Robster, rufus kegger.

You were wasted.

It�s so unbelievable.

I waited my whole life to fit in,

and I finally feel like I do.

You do.

Hey, Rob. Hi, Josie.

Who did Archie date, Betty or Veronica?

Yeah, both. -See?

I always liked Betty better.

Really?

Betty was so fun and spunky.

I mean, Veronica had the great legs.

She was too moody.

Very high maintenance.

You can�t refuse to sell me a ticket to prom!

Listen, Alpo,

we can do whatever we want to.

Oh, I see. You can�t count change?

My God, I�ll like make it easy, OK?

Here�s the money. I�m taking the ticket.

Oh, my God!

She was mocking us.

Did you see that?

We got ta make her dog food. Seriously.

She is going down.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got you a meeting with the admissions guy...

from Dartmouth.

Dartmouth?

But, um...

I wasn�t going to go to college.

No, no. I pulled some strings.

And I got them to look at your writing,

and, he agreed to meet with you.

You believe in me that much?

Of course I do, Josie.

You owe it to yourself, to your writing,

to go to college.

You are a great writer.

You just have to find your story.

He is your story.

You�re crazy. No.

No!

No.

What do you mean no?

He�s got it all-- sex, intrigue,

immorality in the education system.

He�s my teacher.

Yeah, that�s the best part.

"Student-teacher Relations: How Close is Too Close?"

Josie, we�re gonna blow the lid off it.

There is no lid.

There�s nothing going on between Sa--

Mr. Coulson and me. -Who are you kidding?

Everyone in this office is here every day, watching you two.

It�s like the goddamn Young and the Restless.

Rigfort is salivating over it.

You pitched this to Rigfort?

Josie, this isn�t a joke.

You heard Rigfort. Both our asses are on the line.

Now, this is the story.

Call me when you�ve got it.

Josie, you look so...

Rufus?

Yes, exactly.

Major rufus.

What are you supposed to be?

Duh.

Tom Cruise. Risky Business.

That�s nice.

Thank you for everything, Rob.

It�s all really happening,

and I know it�s because of you.

My wallet.

Where are you gonna put it?

Come on, beautiful.

Let�s go.

Hey, how you doing?

Hello! If you don�t hurry,

we�re gonna miss the whole thing.

Yeah, we�ll talk.

Oh, my God.

You totally ripped off my Malibu Barbie idea.

Uh-uh. I�m Disco Barbie.

And I�m Evening Gown Barbie.

Hey...

Josie darling, you look rufus.

Who are you guys?

Wait, wait, wait. Don�t tell me.

You�re Medieval Barbie?

Get over it.

We�re Rosalind and Orlando.

Shakespeare?

Look, I get to have a sword.

Oh, my God! -That is so awesome!

It�s so big. I want a sword.

All right, look at this place.

Yeah.

Come on, let�s dance. I�m Tom Cruise.

Hi. How are you?

This is the most beautiful prom I�ve ever been to.

Work, work, work. Work it. Merk, Merk.

Thanks.

I guess I know...

Kristin, what are you doing?

Practicing my surprise face for when they name prom court.

Ohh.

Oh, sorry. There�s no room at this table.

It�s just too bad for them.

Heh heh heh heh.

Oh, wait. I forgot.

A little surprise for ya.

Did I miss the crowning?

No, but I�m closing the pool in 5 minutes.

Josie�s odds are 3 to 1.

2 to 1 for the prom court.

Even money that that kid pokes himself with the sword...

by the end of the evening.

The time is now to start the show...

OK, maybe we should sit down.

OK.

OK.

Whoa.

No.

Are you having fun yet?

Uh, yeah.

Definitely.

Guess what. -What?

Gibby gave me champagne. -That�s nice.

Rob...

I�ve been thinking.

And I think...

I mean, I know...

You�re the one.

Oh. Heh heh.

My penguin.

I want you to be my first.

Once the floor stops spinning, -Oh, God.

Let�s have sex.

You�re gonna hurtyourself. Putthat down.

All right. Um...

Tell you what, Tracy. -What?

I�m flattered...

But, um...

I�d say I�m gonna go get some more punch,

and then we�ll go on the dance floor and boogie.

That�s good.

No. Oh...

Help. I�m stuck.

Brett.

You guys, what is the one thing that could ruin my senior prom?

Heh. That you would trip on your Barbie heels,

and I�d be named prom queen?

Did I just say that out loud?

So, who are you supposed to be other than freaks?

Yeah.

We�re DNA. Double helix.

Oh, but I guess you�d actually know that...

if you�d passed Bio.

No, no, no.

Don�t touch the hydrogen. It�s rented.

Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Give it upfor Mr. Coulson and Ms. Knox.

OK, OK. Enough.

Well, our 1999 prom court.

And the princesses are...

Miss Kristin Davis...

Miss Kirsten Liosis and Miss Gibby Zerefski.

And the princes are...

Mr. Thomas Salomme...

Mr. Jason Way...

And Mr. Rob...

Mr. Rob...

Mr. Rob! Yeah!

Mr. Rob!

That�s me!

Yeah!

All right!

Next up, South Glen�s prom king--

Guy Perkins.

Very nice.

And this year�s prom queen--

ladies and gentlemen...

Josie Geller.

Yeah!

Yeah!

I knew you could do it, girl.

Yeah!

And as is custom...

the king and the queen...

will now have their first dance.

I never made it to my prom.

Really?

I only made it to the parking lot.

Tell me what you�re thinking.

I was thinking about Shakespeare.

How he described a night like this.

"Look how the floor of heaven...

is thick inlaid with pateens of bright gold."

What are you thinking about?

My sword.

Oh. Heh heh.

Josie, you rock my world.

You�re like the most amazing girl that I�ve ever...dated.

You�re so fun to be with. You�re smart. You�re...

crazy.

You are...

You rock my world.

Heh.

You said that already. -Yeah.

Is this chocolate? OK.

Hey. -Hi.

Wow. Josie, you make a really beautiful prom queen.

Really?

Thanks. So do you.

Heh. You know, I always feel like kind of a goofball...

in these penguin suits,

like I�m at my own wedding or something.

Do you wanna-- do you wanna...

OK.

Hello.

Aldys, I figured since it�s prom,

let�s put all the shit behind us,

and I would love nothing more than to dance with you.

All right.

That�s, of course,

if it�s OK with the rest of the double helix.

Yes? OK?

Haven�t had a dream in a long time

See the life I�ve had to make...

You know what�s funny?

Proms always make me a little sad.

They�re so final.

You know, graduation,

everyone scattering, moving on.

Is your girlfriend here?

No, no. I�m alone.

Infact, we broke up last week.

Really?

That�s funny because, you know,

actually, prom comes from "promenade,"

And you can�t promenade alone, can you?

You�re amazing, Josie Geller.

Oh, oh. Come here. -Come on.

Come on.

Have you thought about Dartmouth anymore?

Yes.

And, um...

There�s something that I want to tell you.

Tell him what?!

No, no, no, not now. Not now!

There�s...

There�s something I want to tell you, too.

No!

No!

I knew it.

You are a loser!

You ruined everything.

You so do not deserve to be prom queen!

Let me tell you something.

I don�t care...

about being your stupid prom queen.

I�m 25 years old!

I�m an undercover reporter...

for the Chicago Sun-Times.

And I have been beating my brains out...

trying to impress you people.

Let me tell you something, Gibby,

Kirsten, Kristin,

you will spend your lives...

trying to figure out how to keep others down...

because it makes you feel more important.

Why her?

Let me tell you something...

about this girl.

She is unbelievable.

I was new here, and she befriended me,

no questions asked.

But you, you were only my friend...

after my brother Rob...

posed as a student...

and told you to like me.

Robbie Rob? Ew.

All of you people--

there is a big world out there,

bigger than prom,

bigger than high school,

and it won�t matter if you were the prom queen...

or the...the quarterback of the football team...

or...the biggest nerd in school.

Find out who you are...

and try not to be afraid of it.

E-excuse me.

Whoo!

Whoo! Yeah!

That was just like Carrie.

I thought she was gonna kill us all.

All right, you guys. Go Rams.

Well, all right.

Can somebody take the Alpo girls outside...

and hose �em off?

South Glen class of 1999,

are you ready to party?!

Hello. We lost the feed. Gus is going nuts.

He�s calling every five minutes.

Did you get the story?

No.

Please tell me you got something on Coulson.

No.

I�m just gonna go.

So...

Surprise.

S-surprise, you were doing a story on me?

No, I couldn�t. I mean...

Surprise, I was hoping...

What? What, you were hoping what? What?

That--that I�d be happy?

Why? Because itturns out I was allowed to be attracted to you?

You were attracted to me?

God damn it, Josie, you set me upfor a story.

No, I--I--

Just--just dropthe act.

OK?

I mean, every word out of your mouth...

has been a complete lie.

I don�t know you at all.

Look, if we could just spend some time together,

you could get to know me again.

Wait. Please don�t walk away.

I just can�t look at you the same way.

Rob.

Hey, Josie.

Came by to check on you. I was worried about you.

Really?

No.

Not really.

Not really, Josie.

How could you do this to me?

I helped you. I got you everything you wanted.

And how do you repay me?

You blow everything...

two days before the championship.

I wasn�t even thinking.

No, you weren�t.

Did it ever occur to you that the only time I�ve been happy...

in the past five years is when I�m playing ball,

when I�m part of a team?

Josie, it�s not even about playing.

I taught those guys things,

I helped them.

My life had meaning.

I...

Justforget about it. It�s over.

Back to the Tiki Post. Totally lame.

Josie Geller blows her cover.

And we were scooped.

We�ve got nothing.

Zippo.

Josie, you totally and completely screwed both of us.

Maybe--maybe I could talk to Rigfort,

tell him the whole story.

You know, I�ll tell you a story, OK?

It�s about this shy copy editor...

who makes a total mockery of herself and her boss...

when she completely botches...

her first assignment as a reporter.

We are not...screwed.

Yes, I made a mistake.

But we will have a story, OK?

You will have an amazing story.

Please.

Oh, please. Oh, please.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I suggest you cover up what you don�t want seen.

Thank you.

Coach Romano? -Yeah.

I�m Josie Geller from the Chicago Sun-Times,

and I have a favor to ask you.

Do you know the sports guy--Jim Lankin?

Sure. Everybody knows Big Jim.

They try to get him to come out and watch all their games. Why?

Well, what if I told you...

that I can guarantee you that Big Jim...

and every other reporter in the area...

would cover your game?

Well, I�d say you could have whatever you wanted, young lady.

Someone once told me...

that to write well, you have to write what you know.

This is what I know--

I�m 25 years old,

and I have never really kissed a guy.

A geek to the core, most of my childhood years were spent...

doing extra homework I requested from the teacher.

High school was more of the same.

Then, at 17,

it seemed as if my luck was aboutto change.

The cutest guy asked me to the senior prom,

but it turned out he invited me as a cruel joke,

and I have never fully recovered.

Yes, it is embarrassing to share this with the world,

but it would be hard to explain...

what I learned and how I learned it...

without sharing this humiliating history.

I received an assignment, my first as a reporter,

to go back to high school and find out about kids today.

What I ended up finding was myself...

and that high school hasn�t changed.

There�s still that one teacher who marches to her own drummer.

Those girls are still there,

the ones that, even as you grow up,

will remain the most beautiful girls...

you have ever seen close up.

The smart kids,

who everyone else knew as "the brains,"

but I just knew them as my soul mates,

my teachers,

my friends.

And there�s still that one guy...

with his mysterious confidence...

who seems so perfect in every way.

The guy you get up and go to school for in the morning.

South Glen would not have been the same without him.

High school would not have been the same without him.

I would not have been the same without him.

I lived a lifetime of regret...

after my first high school experience.

And now, after my second, my regrets are down to one.

A certain teacher was hurt on my path to self-discovery,

and although this article may serve as a step,

it in no way makes up for what I did to him.

To this man...

You know who you are...

I am so sorry.

And I would like to add one more thing...

Movers! Hang on a second.

I think I am in love with you.

And so I propose this--

as an ending to this article and perhaps a beginning...

to the next chapter of my life,

I, Josie Geller,

will be at the state championship baseball game,

where myfriends, the South Glen Rams,

are playing for the title.

I will stand on the pitcher�s mound

for five minutes prior to the first pitch.

If this man accepts my apology,

I ask him to come kiss me...

for my first real kiss.

Thank you all for coming.

Josie.

Oh, my God. There are so many people here.

It�s great, Josie.

They�re behind you.

They feel like they know you.

It�s romantic what you�re doing,

and they want to be a part of it.

Well, I�m glad that you guys are.

Oh, Anita.

Sweet Jesus, Geller. I had no idea...

there�d be this many TV crews here.

You have held up your end of this bargain.

I want you to get out there and get him.

Josie...

Josie...

Josie...

Josie...

Yay, Josie!

Josie!

We love you!

Thankyou.

Um, may I have five minutes on the clock, please?

Wieners. I got hotwieners.

Hiya, Mr. Rigfort.

Get in your own row!

Gotwieners here.

Thank you.

Have a wiener.

Ahh...I love this.

Sun-Times readers out here en masse,

relating personally to one of our reporters.

It�s amazing, isn�t it?

That is so wrong.

Hey.

Well, it�s been building up inside of me

For, oh, I don�t know how long

I don�t know why, but I keep thinking

Something�s bound to go wrong

But she looks in my eyes

And makes me realize

And she says

Don�tworry, baby

Don�tworry, baby

Don�tworry, baby

Everything will turn out all right

Don�tworry, baby

Don�tworry, baby

Don�tworry, baby

Sorry I�m late.

It took meforever to get here.

I know what you mean.

All right.

That a girl.

All right, let�s play ball, kids!

Yeah. -Come on!

Monday mornin� came too soon

I think about you now, layin� in my room

Hearin� everything you said

I play it back a hundred times in my head

But then I slip into a dream

Feeling inside, that�s 10 stories high

Never knew what love was

Until you loved me

Never knew what love was

Oh, yeah

�Cause it feels so good sometimes

Don�tyou know that iffeels so bad sometimes

The way you love me, love me

La-la-la-love the way you love me, love me

Oh....yeah

Ooh, aaah

Yeah, yeah

You know that I wantyou

You know that I need you

Never knew what love was

Until you loved me

Never knew what love was

Ooh, yeah

�Cause it feels so good sometimes

Don�tyou know it feels so bad sometimes

The way you love me, love me