Original subtitles

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Argh...

Well, I guess this is the part of the trip

where we start drinking our own pee.

Well, what do you say? You do me, and I do you?

We can't go on like this. We need...

water!

Water! We're saved!

[PANTING] What?

No. No, no, no, no!

Benny! This water is dry!

- What happened? - Ah, don't worry.

It just means that the heat's starting to melt your brain.

Guys! You made it!

Dingus? I thought you were chasing after Trig.

I was, yeah, but then she shot my horse

and left me stranded in the desert.

Man, I thought I was a goner,

until I stumbled across this swingin' pool party!

[CHUCKLES] Hold on. Let me get out of the pool.

Okay, he's gonna die.

I want to introduce you guys to my new friends.

Gentlemen, this is

the brilliant Professor Von Ziegler.

I almost had you in that last chess match.

[CHUCKLES] And this is the one and only

Mr. Marvellous!

Oh, that rabbit! Did you see that rabbit?

He was in there the whole time!

- Wow. - And last,

the alluring countess.

Enchanté.

Okay, well, it was great to meet all you folks

but we really should get going.

Oh, no, no, no!

They're just about to start the limbo contest, so...

You grab his legs, I'll go for his arms.

How low... can they go...

- Okay. - What are you guys doing?

You're embarrassing me in front of my new friends!

Countess! Write to me! I love you!

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

All right, let's get these wagons

roped up nice and tight!

These mountains here are the last things standing

between us and Oregon.

[ALL CHEER]

Oh, Dingus. You feeling any better?

Yeah, a little better.

So it's, uh, looking like I'll be riding with you guys

for a little while while I recuperate.

You know, I just wanted to clear the air

in case there's any weirdness between us.

- Why would there be weirdness? - You know,

because I dumped you to start bounty hunting Trig?

Ah, water under the bridge, my friend.

My time spent with the Native Americans

gave me a completely different outlook on life.

I've learned to shed my foolish ego.

Now I take pleasure in the simple things,

like the rush of the wind,

or the beauty of a single leaf on a tree.

Wow, you got all of that from one day.

What's a day? Oh, you mean a "moon."

Sorry, I think of time in terms of "moons" now.

And I think of distance in terms of "canoes."

But more on that later. [CHUCKLES]

What's all this about?

Getting ready to go over the mountain. Remember?

We each agreed to do an equal amount of the work?

Cool. Didn't ask for your whole life story.

I'm looking for the Reverend. Have you seen him?

Oh! He and Prudence are having one of

their special bible study sessions in your wagon.

Ah, my Ezekiel. He's such a good man.

[LOUDLY] Unlike you filthy sinners!

[HISSES]

Bible studies, huh?

[SCOFFS]

- [WAGON RATTLING] - ♪♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪♪

PRUDENCE: Yes! Yes! Yes!

EZEKIEL [EXCITEDLY]: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John!

That was amazing.

God, I've been married to Todd for so long,

I forgot sex is supposed to feel good.

These have been the happiest days of my life.

It's so strange, I know the Bible says

what we're doing is a sin, but everything about it

- feels so right. - Maybe it is right.

I mean, we're both trapped in bad relationships.

Once we get to Oregon,

we'll come clean to our partners

and start our new life together.

That sounds perfect.

I just can't shake the feeling

we're gonna be punished somehow.

TODD: Prudence! Ezekiel!

PRUDENCE: Todd!

Uh, it's not what it looks like.

I should have known all along...

what an amazing man you are!

Excuse me?

You're the reason we're getting to Oregon.

And I know I have been a harsh critic at times.

I was wrong, okay?

I apologise.

Don't mention it. Everyone makes mistakes.

And, on a personal note,

I just want to thank you

for all the special attention

that you've been paying to my wife lately.

I know you've been putting in the long hours

with the bible study lessons.

I mean, I can hear her screaming "Oh, God, oh, God."

So I know that it's working.

Can't really figure out why the two of you

are butt naked right now, but...

I'm sure that's part of it, too.

Yeah, yeah, it is, mm-hmm.

Well, I'll let you guys get back to it.

Hey...

give it to her good, Rev.

The bible study lessons, I mean.

- That went surprisingly well. - [CHUCKLES]

Should we get back to our lessons?

♪♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪♪

So, Phaedra, girl, fill me in!

You know, what's the hot goss around the wagon train?

Ooh, let me think. [GASPS]

Juliette made one of Martha's pie recipes,

and didn't give Martha any credit. What?

That's not hot goss.

I mean, that's not even warm goss.

That's like days-old, left-out-on-the-counter goss.

Is this hot enough for you?

Round 'em up.

[SCREAMING, CLAMOURING]

Trig. We meet again.

Please don't kill me, okay?

You won, fair and square! Just let me live

and I'll never chase you again, I promise!

Come on, man, have some dignity.

- I'm not here for you. - [COCKS GUN]

I'm here for him.

Hey! Aah!

Zeke. Zeke!

Look, I'm sorry, it's my first time trying this.

My heart's in the right place.

No, that was good. But something is wrong outside.

I don't understand. I thought you beat me already.

I thought I did, too,

until I started reading the headlines.

"Freight Train Robbed by Daughter of Benny the Teen."

"Trig's Reign of Terror...

Following in Daddy's Big Footsteps."

Do you know how frustrating it is

to be the number one bandit

and still be compared to you?

In all fairness, you're a fantastic bandit, Trig,

but Benny's the greatest of all time.

How can you say that?

I mean, look at the stats.

I'm beating him in lifetime murders,

bank robberies, and riverboat heists.

But you're looking at it through an 1844 lens.

The game is way different than it used to be.

The guns are heavier,

they didn't have zone shooting,

not to mention all the advancements in bandit nutrition.

Yeah, but Trig is still a rising star.

I mean, she hasn't even hit her peak yet.

- Thank you. - Now that's a fair point.

What we gotta do is graph

Trig's expected trajectory with Benny's prime,

- which was... - 1823.

***

Hey, you know what? Shut up, all of you!

We don't have to speculate about who the best of all time is,

because I'm gonna prove it right now.

- [CLANG] - [ONLOOKERS GASP]

Drop your guns, or I'll pump you full of lead.

By the way, that whole begging for my life thing

I was doing earlier was obviously just a ruse.

So when we get to Oregon, can you not tell

the other bounty hunters, please?

[GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION] Hey, pumpkin.

I bet you're happy to see this, huh?

Benny the Teen, back on top.

No, you've got it all wrong.

I'm not the same man I used to be.

I have found internal peace and happiness

and I want to share those gifts with you.

I'm wanted dead or alive, right? Can I choose dead?

[SIGHS]

It is amazing you happened to be

in the exact right place and time to get the drop on Trig,

and doing it in your underwear

so she wouldn't hear your clothes rustle!

Smart!

- Yeah, that's why we did that. - Loud clothes, correct.

Heroes.

- Well, that was pretty lucky. - That was more than lucky.

Not only are we not being punished for our affair,

but it actually just helped everyone!

Maybe what we're doing isn't a sin after all.

Maybe... maybe God just wants us to be happy.

- [THUNDER CRASHES] - [LIGHTNING ZAPS]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Did you see that?

A bolt of lightning just killed Claire.

That's strange... A single bolt of lightning

on a perfectly clear day

directly striking our lead ox?

Oh, well. Sure it's nothing.

Should we head up the mountain?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Oh, God.

Heave!

[MEN GRUNTING]

EZEKIEL: Heave!

- [WOOD CRACKS] - JOHN: Aww!

Damn it! That's the third broken wheel today.

Ever since we started coming up this damn mountain,

everything's gone wrong. It's like we're cursed!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! "Cursed" is a strong word, John.

- "Inconvenienced," perhaps. - Well, how would you explain it?

People keep getting injured.

There's a mysterious plague sweeping through the camp,

and Granny McGill keeps spontaneously combusting.

Did somebody say my name?

Eeek! Ooh!

- Oh, not again! - I mean, that... that's pretty normal.

- I've seen that before. - What is happening here?

We are being led by a righteous man.

Our trip should be protected by God.

I mean, nothing's changed, right?

You're still a completely faultless man

with nary a blemish of sin on your perfect soul?

Oh, yeah, sure am. Totally.

Squeaky clean Zekey over here.

- Um, excuse me a moment. - Oh, yeah.

Oh, hey, Zeke. Crazy day, huh?

Levi's having a bit of a temper tantrum.

[DEMON-VOICED] Salute Satanum!

[CONTINUES SPEAKING LATIN]

Now Levi, what did we say

about praising Satan in ancient Latin?

[DEMON VOICE] Shove it up your ass, bitch.

[CHUCKLES] He's such a scamp.

Are you not the tiniest bit concerned

that the sudden downturn things have taken

might be our doing?

- What do you mean? - I feel like God is punishing us

for the affair.

Come on, not this again.

I thought you said you were over it.

I thought I was, but look around you.

Things are not going great right now.

Everything's fine.

You're just stuck in your own head.

So, the wagon's free at lunch.

What do you say I help you get out of your head, huh?

[ROARS]

I should probably deal with this, but come by later.

[DEMON VOICE] Shove it up your ass, bitch.

You already said that one.

[DEMON VOICE] Oops. Sorry about that.

My name is Gorgeous Pete, and I'm a bandit.

ALL: Hi, Gorgeous Pete.

This is a painting I made of myself.

It's a scary outlaw.

But that's not the real me on the inside.

I want to be a dancer.

You don't have to be that guy anymore. Let it go.

All right, who wants to go next?

Uh, Trig?

Sure. Um...

This is a painting of me.

As you can see, I'm giving you the middle finger.

[LAUGHS] Okay.

We have a hard case here, don't we?

I get it. I used to be just like you.

Every weekend I was out robbing banks,

sticking up stagecoaches,

but I felt empty on the inside.

That is, until I did the work

and I became the fully enlightened person

that you see now.

Oh, my God, I'm in hell. This is hell.

No, Trig.

Why can't you achieve the same level of growth as me?

Because it's bullshit.

One spiritual weekend retreat does not change a lifetime

of being a selfish asshole.

Except in my case, that's exactly what happened.

Because I did the work.

Stop saying you did the work!

What work? What does that even mean?

It's the work. It's what I did.

- Yeah, he did the work. - Shut up, Kevin!

Okay, all right, look, why don't we move on

to our Kundalini exercises?

I think we need to release

the negative energy from our buttholes.

All right, everybody up. Come on.

On your feet, and bend over.

- Yeah. - [ALL GROAN]

Loosen those hips. Let it out.

Hey, Zeke. Sorry I'm late.

There was a freak outbreak of frogs.

Honestly, it was just more random than bad.

Whoa.

♪♪ A-a-amen ♪♪

- Oh, hey. - Hey. You decorated.

I thought our S-E-X could use a little G-O-D?

That way, we can continue our affair

and appease our vengeful lord and saviour.

Uh, I mean, it's a little distracting

but if it's what you need...

First, we set the mood

with a naughty little sprinkle of holy water.

Wow, you're really using a lot.

Yeah. Make sure to get some on your face.

[SPUTTERS] Uh... very nice.

And can I interest my lady

in a taste of bitter ashes?

Maybe we can just skip to the part

- where we make out? - Of course.

And I have the perfect thing for that.

What? What is that?

Just a little contraption I built.

The hammer will continuously strike me in the testicles as we kiss,

thereby removing all pleasure from the sexual experience.

- Shall we take it for a spin? - Uh, are you sure?

I don't think that's...

[SCREAMS IN PAIN]

Oh, wow! That did damage!

Oh, one blow is utterly devastating!

I can't imagine doing that even once more,

let alone for an entire make-out session.

Um, I'm sorry. Can we stop?

This isn't working for me.

How's it supposed to make me feel

that you have to punish yourself to be with me?

It's just... it's the only thing I've thought of

to atone for our sins.

Zeke, I'm ready to share my whole life with you.

But I need you to be in it, too,

and not think that our relationship is a sin.

I'm sorry. No, no, no, no.

Of course, of course I want to be with you.

I... you're right. I am being ridiculous

and if you will still have me,

I'd like to make out with you super hard right now.

There we go.

[WAGON RATTLING]

Oh, that's not good.

- Rockslide! - We're all gonna die!

Jesus, Martha, we're right here!

You don't have to yell!

- Take cover! - Oh, shit!

- Hurry up with that lock! - I'm trying!

- Aah! - Ow! Ah!

- Oh... - It's okay, Benny.

You taught us all how to abandon our selfish ways.

We'll all stick together till the bitter end.

Yeah, about that...

it's every man for himself. Good luck!

See ya, suckers!

- Ooh! Ee! Ow! - Ah, ah!

- What's he doing? - Being the same ol' Benny.

MARTHA: It's gonna collapse!

Well, at least we're together.

[SCREAMING]

Dear Lord, I repent my wicked ways.

I committed the sin of adultery with Prudence.

- The hell? - I was too weak

to resist the temptation of the harlot's flesh!

She bewitched me with her devilish charms,

and ankles that just won't quit!

It was wicked and wrong,

and I promise I will never disobey you again, oh, Lord!

Yes! Yes! It worked! Thank you!

Thank you, oh, Lord, for your infinite mercy!

Pru, you see that? We're saved.

Well, I guess I know how you really feel now.

Oh, Pru, wait.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, hey, guys.

[CHUCKLES]

So, that happened.

Now this is hot goss!

So, things got a little crazy there.

Some personal stuff came to light

that I'm obviously not particularly proud of.

But the main thing is

we are back on track to make it to Oregon.

- So... - Enough!

Why should we listen to you anymore?

You seduced me away from my fellow Noonans

only to make the beast with two backs with that wench.

You are not a righteous man, Ezekiel Brown.

You are evil.

No one messes with my girl Phaedra

and gets away with it.

Team Phae-Phae for life, bitch!

And... and... this... This is how all of you feel?

None of you are Team Zeke-Zeke?

I have an idea! I can get my shunning kit!

[SQUEAKS HAPPILY] Oh, uh, thank you, God.

This... this does help.

Hmph!

[EXCLAIMING INCOHERENTLY]

My God, how dare you betray me?

You've made a proper cuckhold of me. Oh, God.

I can feel my cuck's horns growing in already.

I'm sorry, Todd.

Clearly, I made a mistake with Zeke.

How did you even find the time

to have an affair between all the bible study sessions?

- Uh... - Doesn't matter.

Just stay in the wagon. Try not to bone

too many dudes while I'm out.

God, that no good, stinking reverend!

I never should've trusted him. Gosh!

Hey there, Todd.

Rough day, huh?

I shouldn't be talking to you.

Well, I just think it's messed up what he did to you,

stealing your girl like that.

You know, everyone's laughing at you.

- They are? - Yep.

And it's all because of him.

Yeah! Though, if I'm being honest with myself,

I wonder if I had a small part to play in this.

I don't think I was always a good husband...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You had it right the first time.

You're perfect, he sucks.

Yeah! That British little shit!

God, I wish there was a way I could get back at him.

Maybe there is,

but first, you have to do something for me.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[GRUNTS OF EXERTION]

Put your backs into it!

Oof, why did they make these wagons so heavy?

- Hey, I'm gonna take five. - What?

Howdy, Rev.

Oh, you're not supposed to talk to me, remember?

- I am shunned. - Eh.

How you holding up, anyway?

Yeah, not great.

The beggar's cloth

scratches my skin with every step that I take

And the stone of shame

feels like it's about to snap my neck.

And I lost the love of my life forever, so...

[SIGHS] But, if it gets us back on God's good side,

all worth it, right?

[TODD LAUGHS]

Todd? What are you doing?

This is what happens when you disrespect Todd Aberdeen!

- No, no, no, no. - [TODD LAUGHING]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[EXTENDED CRASHING]

JOHN: What the hell are you thinking?

How we gonna get off this mountain now?

You're not getting down. I am!

Help!

- Prudence! - Zeke!

Help!

Ah, ah, ah! Not so fast, loverboy.

And sorry I can't stick around

and listen to more of your bullshit, Benny.

I gotta get back to being the best bandit of all time.

Trig, wait!

You're right. I haven't changed.

I'm still the same selfish jerk I've always been

but I... I'm trying.

And I meant it when I said

I care about you and I want you to be happy.

I don't believe a damn word you say.

The only thing that would make me happy

is you freezing to death on top of this mountain.

Let's ride.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

You were saying something about God protecting us?

"Congratulations on your new Testicle Kicker 900,

"the very latest in self-punishment

from your friends at the Ouch Corporation."

Uh... aha!

"Connect the testicle-crushing hammer

to slot C."

Where is slot C?

Seems like a really key piece of information.

Ow.

I know we're being cursed,

but do you have to make the print so tiny?

That seems unnecessarily cruel.

Get in there, get in there, get in there, aah!

Yes! Ha ha!

Oh! Yaa!

Aah, yes! Right in the junk.

Prudence is gonna love this.