Original subtitles

Hey! Come on! Are you dead? Wake up!

Hey! Wake up!

Perhaps, the problem was that I was unable to accept

that I could get screwed over in love.

Anyway, as they say,

if you didn't get screwed over in love, what did you achieve in life?

Take me to the pub.

Hey, handsome! Wait!

Did you quit the broker's job?

That's my part-time job, handsome. This is my full-time job.

By the way, you don't look like someone who would be into prostitutes.

You don't look like someone who is--

A prostitute?

I had come here to buy booze.

That's a good excuse.

Hey!

I don't give a damn if you believe me or not. Got it?

Didn't you see? I didn't touch anyone.

Do you want to now?

By the way, what's this Tara's story?

Darling, I've stolen my dad's gold chain.

Just wait for two days. I'll buy you a new phone with a camera.

I could sell my neighbour's house for you!

Listen...

Did you call me here to listen to this nonsense?

No, man. I called you here so that you could meet Tara. Give me my phone.

Are you crazy? I don't want to meet anyone now.

Why don't you want to meet her?

- What will I do when I meet her? - Should I tell you that?

Buddy, as it is, I'm very scared of asking her out.

I did it with such difficulty, and just then...

Buddy, you...

Forget it, man. My luck is cursed.

Why are you getting worked up, man?

Many people have fits.

The problem is not that I have fits.

It's that I always have them at the wrong time!

What must Tara be thinking about me?

Yes, tell me. What must Tara be thinking?

Just that it's a medical condition.

- Tara, I'm really sorry. - Come on, Kunal!

You're not coming to school for such a minor reason!

What is this childishness?

As it is, it took you two years to ask me out.

And now that you have...

How did you know that?

I'm not blind.

Every time I see you, you're staring at me.

And when I go home and open Orkut,

your name always shows up in the list of recent visitors.

But you never mustered up the courage to send me a friend request.

We finished 10th grade, then 11th grade,

we're almost done with the 12th grade.

Who takes so long to ask someone out?

By the way,

my answer is yes.

You mean...

Yes! I mean I love you too!

Damn...

Yes!

Have you gone crazy?

I love you so much, Tara! I love you!

By the way, the way you asked me out was quite boring.

I love you, Tara.

I love you.

When I embraced Tara,

I felt like my greatest wish had come true.

But I wish...

I wish Tara had rejected me.

I wish I had never fallen in love with Tara.

I wish my wish remained unfulfilled.

Because you have to pay for some wishes

by getting f**ked in the a**.

Did she dump you?

She didn't just dump me.

She f**ked my life up.

What do you mean?

Did she sterilise you and run away?

Are you crazy?

You're so miserable over a girl!

A woman who sleeps with a new man every night wouldn't understand true love.

She wouldn't get how it feels when everything is going fine,

and suddenly, in an instant, everything is ruined.

Hello.

What are you doing, baby?

I was missing my boyfriend.

He'll go to Mumbai tomorrow, right?

Don't laugh! I'm missing you!

I'm missing you too, baby.

Can you come and meet me?

Sure.

So, come over.

I'm here!

We're not sex chatting. Don't make me fantasise.

I thought you'd really come.

I'm really here, baby!

I'm standing on your balcony.

Seriously?

My lady called me. So, I'm here!

You're here today, but what about tomorrow?

You'll be in Mumbai then.

How far is Mumbai anyway?

If I board a bus at night, I'll be in Indore in the morning.

I'll come to meet you every month.

So, only once in a month?

We'll have to compromise for three years, Tara.

Once I become a merchant navy officer, we'll get married.

"Married?"

Yes, we'll get married!

Did you think we're just having a fling?

No, it's not a fling.

But we aren't the right age for marriage.

Why think so far ahead into the future?

I didn't get you.

Oh, dear! Tomorrow, you'll go to Mumbai.

There, you'll make new friends.

Some of them may be girls too.

What if you fall in love with someone else?

Tara, I'm in love with you. How can I fall in love with someone else?

Really?

I love you, Tara.

So much that you can't even imagine.

I love you too, Kunal.

Tara!

Sh*t! Kunal, bye!

Tara! Tara! Tara!

Tara!

Are you fine?

No one can replace you in my life.

Are you okay?

Absolutely!

I love you, Tara!

You're crazy. Completely crazy.

I love you too.

Hi, Tara. Yes, I've reached Mumbai.

Listen, I'll call you later.

Yes. I love you. Bye.

Ma'am, he is Vikram sir's relative.

He'll stay here for a few days.

Please give him the key to sir's house.

Okay. Thank you.

Hi.

Vikram called me. You're from Indore, right?

Yes.

- Kunal... - Marathe.

Marathe. Yep. Just give me a second. I'll get the keys.

Yeah.

F**king hell!

Amazing, Altaf!

♪ We both burned with the feeling of love. ♪

I love you, Tara!

Whoa!

I'm taking a bath. Come back four hours later!

Bloody hell... I'm coming, man!

I'm opening it! Wait a minute!

I'm opening it!

Kunal?

Yes. Who are you?

Mahesh. Vikram has sent me here.

Hello!

Did Vikram not tell you?

He told me someone would come.

But he also told me that he was a decent boy.

- Where's the bedroom? - What?

Where's the bedroom?

To the left.

Thanks.

Will you get out of our way? Come on.

Hey! Where are you going, man?

Listen, man! Hey! Listen to me!

Hey, d**khead.

Who kisses his girlfriend's photo, man?

Hi. I'm Mahesh.

My dad is in the navy with Vikram.

The same shipping company.

After graduation, the navy bug bit me too.

Vikram told me that a f**king fool was coming to Mumbai

to take the entrance exam.

He asked me to stay with you and prepare for the exam.

Did Vikram call me a f**king fool?

Kidding, bro.

By the way, in Mumbai,

you get many girls to bang,

but you don't get rooms to bang them in.

But now,

I have this place.

Here.

I don't smoke.

F**king fool...

And, buddy, that's my towel.

So?

What will you drink?

Vodka or whiskey?

I don't drink either.

You will.

When your life gets f**ked up, you'll start drinking too.

Really?

When did that happen to you?

Buddy, that's Vikram's stock, man!

Yes. It's a great collection, right?

- Hi. - Hi, Kamini.

- Kamna. - Oh, sorry.

My mom made chicken today. I hope you like chicken.

Oh, that wasn't necessary.

It's not too spicy, so...

I just love chicken.

Especially if it's cooked by a gorgeous lady.

Our maid cooked it.

Our maid cooked it.

Given how you look, I'm sure your maid must be a looker too.

She's older than us.

You like chicken, right? Take it and get lost.

You get lost. I'm in the mood to stand at the door.

Mahesh, go inside.

-Thank you. -Welcome.

Even cowards become lions when a girl is watching.

Wow!

- I'm sorry. He's a little-- - Oh, no. It's okay.

Some people are just born jerks.

No problem.

- See you. - Bye.

Neetu, my love! Look at you!

You look so hot!

I hope you had no problem finding the address.

You're so good at everything that I never face a problem.

I know.

Baby, who was that girl?

Kunal's girlfriend. He's a nymphomaniac.

But I only love you, baby.

Me, a nymphomaniac?

He has f**ked two women in two hours,

but I'm the nymphomaniac?

The people in Mumbai are strange, man!

- Mahesh! Mahesh! - Neetu!

- Take me higher! - Yeah, baby!

- Harder! - F**king hell!

- Harder! Harder! Harder! - He's turned this flat into a brothel!

Mahesh, motherf**ker!

Hi, baby.

Were you asleep?

No, baby. I was missing you.

How was your day?

Forget about the day.

The nights are especially difficult here.

Why?

Because every time I close my eyes,

I only see you.

Nude.

Really? But I'm wearing clothes.

So, take them off!

I can't take them off.

Why can't you take them off?

Because I'm not wearing any undergarments.

I think I'll have to dirty my boxers today!

Sh*t! I'm wet!

So fast?

I spilled water on my clothes.

That's why I'm asking you to take your clothes off.

What will you do if I take them off?

What will I do?

Come on! Neetu! I love you!

I love you!

Mahesh, man! You motherf**ker!

Stop it, man! Let me study!

Mahesh, I'll fail because of you!

Please stop it!

Jimmy, I'm so loyal to you. So honest.

And yet, you cheated on me! Why? For Sheena?

If you don't want to get back together with me, it's okay.

But we can still be buddies, right?

You know, f**k buddies...

You're sick! Just get lost!

Okay! I'm sorry!

Can we just make love one last time?

You know, like a goodbye f**k or something...

Jimmy, just stop it!

- Hey! Let her go! - Just go!

She said no! Get lost! Come on, get lost!

Now, who the f**k is he?

Will you leave, or should I call security? Come on, leave!

I see, you are not going to listen to me.

Jimmy, just go.

If you don't leave immediately, I'll call security! Leave!

She said no!

Get lost!

Thank you.

No problem. Such d**kheads are two a penny in Indore.

You take care.

F**king hell! This is wrong, man!

Do what you want to do in the room!

There's another man here who's in a long distance relationship!

It hurts, man!

Do you have no sense?

Why are you driving yourself crazy?

If you want, jerk it off and then go to sleep.

Bloody nympho!

As***le...

Mahesh!

I'm making coffee. Do you want some?

I'm in the bathtub. Come here and talk to me.

Mahesh, coffee...

S... sorry.

Hey, wait!

Meet Anju.

My maths teacher.

Hello, ma'am.

- This is Kunal. - Oh!

Hi, Kunal.

Why are you nodding? You have your exam tomorrow, right?

Come on, study with us.

What are you staring at?

She won't mind. Right, ma'am?

- Would you mind? - Of course not!

See? She won't mind.

Come on.

Come on, man!

Hey! Come on!

Are you crazy, you as***le?

Hey!

How dare you swear in front of the teacher?

Ma'am, he's a bad boy.

- Very bad. - I know.

F**k!

Hey, did you leave the exam midway?

You didn't spend even two hours in there.

Forget about me. Tell me about yourself.

Why does your face look so f**ked up?

Physics f**ked me over, man!

The exam is done, man!

Forget about it now.

Worrying like a sh*thead won't improve your score now.

Hey, Tara is calling! Wait.

What's going on, Tara? Why aren't you answering my calls these days?

We haven't talked in four days! Are you so busy?

Baby, I know that your college has started.

But can't you take out ten minutes for me?

Okay, fine! Go and study. Call me when you're free.

Bye.

When a girl starts avoiding her boyfriend,

it can mean only one of two things.

Either someone else has wooed her,

or she has wooed someone else.

Don't judge someone you don't know.

Her college has just started. The poor thing must be under pressure.

You can fool the world, buddy.

But don't ever fool yourself.

What?

You'll know eventually. Get in.

F**king fool! Damn you!

Tara's phone is busy again!

Hi.

Hi!

Altaf Raja?

Nice song.

Do you mind sharing it?

- Sure! - Thank you.

So, for how long will you be staying here?

I mean at Vikram's house.

- Till I get admission to a college. - And then?

Then, I'll stay at the college hostel.

- In Mumbai? - Yes.

- Nice. - Hey, nymphomaniac!

This idiot will die drinking.

- I'll go and help him. Sorry. - Sure.

- No problem. - See you soon.

- Take this! Take this! - Oh God!

Did you buy this stock for a whole year?

Hey, dumba**!

I'll be happy even if this lasts for a month.

And listen, you nymphomaniac.

You pretend to love Tara in front of me,

and here, you're making plans to secretly bang Kamna!

Jimmy! Jimmy, please!

- Shut up! - Jimmy, stop it!

- Hey, wait! - Stop it!

You bloody...

- Jimmy, just go! - Back off!

Speak up, you f**king fool!

Mahesh?

Come on, Jimmy!

- How do you know him? - We went to school together.

Wow, Mahesh! Wow!

You bloody forgot your old friends for the sake of this new guy!

That's not the point. What were you doing to this girl?

I see!

Now, the biggest playboy in Lokhandwala will teach me

how I should behave with a woman!

You pr**k, I've slept with more women

than you have jerked off to.

And there is something called consent.

If the girl agrees, everything is fair.

But if she says no, it's a f**king no!

You beat him up so good, buddy!

But seriously, thank you so much, guys. Really!

Oh...

And I'm sorry, Mahesh.

I misunderstood you.

You turned out to be a good man.

Keep your character certificate to yourself, you d**khead.

I'm fine the way I am.

Oh, f**k!

Oh, f**k! Two at a time!

Did you think you could two-time us both, and we wouldn't find out?

- No, Ritu. I was... - Sh!

So, you've played with us a lot.

But now, it's our time to play with you.

Both of us

together.

Alright! I'm all yours, ladies!

Consent.

And whatever you both want to do, do it on the sofa.

The bedroom will be occupied all night. Good night!

Please don't mind him. He blabbers on like an idiot.

I love you, Kunal.

Sorry, but...

I have a girlfriend.

Oh!

- Oh! - No, it's okay. I--

It's okay. It was a mistake.

I mean, I'm sorry...

No problem.

- I... I'll just-- - Yes.

Good night.

We live once. We die once.

We get married once.

And we fall in love only once too.

Shah Rukh Khan said that, not me.

- Hi, Tara. - I was asleep, Kunal.

Can you talk to me for five minutes?

I have to wake up early tomorrow and study.

Please let me sleep.

I love you.

I know. Good night.

If there's one thing that f**ked over half the population of India,

it was Bollywood movies.

They screwed up our f**king minds.

My idea of love was as depicted in those movies.

Till death do us part and all that bullsh*t!

But the fact is

this kind of bullsh*t works only in the movies.

And inspired by these sh*tty movies, f**king fools like me

try to find true love in real life,

and those d**kheads belong neither here

nor there.