Original subtitles

Motherf**ker!

Motherf**ker!

Every love story needs two characters.

A hero and a heroine.

A hero and a heroine.

But this story is a little different.

It has a heroine

It has a heroine

and a f**king idiot.

I found the key.

Come on, I'll show you the room.

Come on, man!

Greetings, uncle.

What's up, Reshma? Has your business slumped?

My business is going great. No worries.

Hey! Can you still not bathe on your own?

- Greetings, Miss. How are you? - I'm good. How are you?

- Greetings, Miss. How are you? - I'm good. How are you?

I'm okay, Miss.

Paradise

It was closed for a long time. Maybe it's jammed.

It was closed for a long time. Maybe it's jammed.

Come on, open up!

What a nuisance!

I'll get the door repaired. First, see if you like the room.

I'll get the door repaired. First, see if you like the room.

Come on.

Even if you scour the whole of Mumbai, you won't find a cheaper room than this.

Even if you scour the whole of Mumbai, you won't find a cheaper room than this.

It's sea-facing, there are boats... it's got it all.

Whose things are these?

There was a guy named Jojo.

He had come to Mumbai to become a painter.

He stayed here for five years.

He stayed here for five years.

Why did he leave his things behind?

Well, he couldn't have taken his things with him to the afterlife, sir.

Well, he couldn't have taken his things with him to the afterlife, sir.

Three months ago, he died one night after smoking weed.

His corpse was found a week later. It was rotten.

His corpse was found a week later. It was rotten.

He died in this very bed.

That is why the rent is so low.

People are afraid of living here.

Well,

I hope you don't mind.

I hope you don't mind.

I've changed the mattress, by the way.

This is the first time

I'm seeing a girl working as a property broker.

The need to survive is what forces people to sell their bodies.

By the way, why did you leave that place to come live in these ruins?

By the way, why did you leave that place to come live in these ruins?

When one is f**ked up to the core,

palaces and ruins all look the same.

palaces and ruins all look the same.

I can ruin myself there

or here, who cares!

This story starts in Indore.

This story starts in Indore.

It's a small, colourful city at the heart of Madhya Pradesh,

known as the heart of India.

Even though it's known as mini Mumbai,

Even though it's known as mini Mumbai,

but any typical Indori will tell you

that neither is this city like Mumbai, nor are the people here.

that neither is this city like Mumbai, nor are the people here.

You f**ked with my mind early in the morning, man!

Who the hell listens to Altaf Raja's songs in 2008, man?

Who the hell listens to Altaf Raja's songs in 2008, man?

F**k off.

I have the soundtrack of 'Om Shanti Om'. Do you want it?

I've got a tool. Do you want it?

And, as***le, how many times have I asked you not to sit in Hari's seat?

Come on, get lost.

Man, if you only want to get it on with Hari,

Man, if you only want to get it on with Hari,

there are plenty of seats here. Go and sit elsewhere.

Because I'm sitting in this seat. Do what you can.

Because I'm sitting in this seat. Do what you can.

Really?

Enjoy your seat.

Are you crazy?

You're never on time! I waited for so long that the jalebis have turned cold!

Wow, my man!

Wow, my man!

This is my best friend. Hari Mathur.

That one friend whose loyalty I never doubted.

Oh, Shefali!

That one friend who didn't leave my side even in this cruel world full of idiots.

That one friend who didn't leave my side even in this cruel world full of idiots.

Hello, Kunal!

My sweetheart!

My sweetheart!

- At least, brush your teeth! - For you, I will.

- Hey, wait! - Why? What happened?

Sit.

Sit.

Wow, you cleaned the seat for me!

Here you go. I got pohe-jalebis for you!

Eat them. They've turned cold.

Hey! You're not going there! I saved the seat for you!

Hey! You're not going there! I saved the seat for you!

No, man! I came here for you! What are you saying?

But I'll be back in a minute.

You're a slippery one, man!

You're a slippery one, man!

Shefali!

Shefali!

Unless it's about a girl.

Unless it's about a girl.

Even the strongest relationships can crumble before a woman.

How could this friendship be an exception?

Well, at least, he brought pohe-jalebi for me.

And for us Indoris, this is the biggest proof of true love.

True love is like unprotected sex.

It's very risky.

With the exception of a few lucky people,

the Romeos and Juliets who take love seriously

get f**ked in the end.

get f**ked in the end.

Just like I did.

Then, some people move on.

Some run away from the disease that is love.

Some run away from the disease that is love.

And some poor souls even lose their lives.

And some poor souls even lose their lives.

And then, there are some f**king fools

like me

who don't understand

what the f**k happened to them.

Tara!

- First, deduct-- - May I come in, sir?

- First, deduct-- - May I come in, sir?

My life was all fun and games.

My life was all fun and games.

But the thing is, when one's youthful urges take over,

one shoots oneself in the foot to destroy one's own life.

one shoots oneself in the foot to destroy one's own life.

And that bullet is called 'Love'.

And that bullet is called 'Love'.

Tara!

"Scrotum."

Man, why don't they make us study reproduction practically?

I mean, they take us to the lab all the time for physics and chemistry.

Bloody double standards! Scoundrels!

Buddy, we have to arrange those practicals on our own.

Please arrange mine for me.

Shut up, you f**ker!

Buddy,

if ogling were enough to woo girls, every dumba** would have a girlfriend.

if ogling were enough to woo girls, every dumba** would have a girlfriend.

Pay attention to the board, dumba**.

What's there to pay attention to? What's there is here too.

What's there to pay attention to? What's there is here too.

Hello! What is it?

Hello! What is it?

Come and sit in my lap.

- Stupid! - Tara, sorry. No.

I was looking outside. You're mistaken.

- I was-- - "Stupid!"

Shut up!

You're hopeless, you f**ker!

You boys must stand here for two hours.

Shameless students!

Shameless students!

Useless!

Get lost, you f**ker!

Duffer!

Duffer!

What do you mean?

Duffer!

Tell me something.

Will you keep ogling her all your life, or will you do something?

Will you keep ogling her all your life, or will you do something?

I mean, for how long will your eyes have all the fun?

Use your other organs too.

Use your other organs too.

It's not like I never tried to ask Tara out.

In fact, I tried twice.

Hurry up! She'll be gone!

Mine is still going. Look.

I'm talking about Tara, idiot!

I'm talking about Tara, idiot!

Listen, guys. I'll go now. I have my tuition classes.

- I've got to go. - Hey, wait for some time.

No, please. I'm leaving.

What if she rejects me?

A boy whose only companion is his hand isn't afraid of rejection, bro!

A boy whose only companion is his hand isn't afraid of rejection, bro!

Just go and ask her out. We'll worry about the rest later.

Just go and ask her out. We'll worry about the rest later.

- Go on. - Yuck!

You filthy f**ker!

You're a hopeless f**ker! You are the poor man's R Madhavan!

You're a hopeless f**ker! You are the poor man's R Madhavan!

It's a simple fact.

If you chase something that's not destined to be yours,

it'll f**k you up.

it'll f**k you up.

What do you mean?

I mean, God is giving you signs to stop! You should listen to them!

What signs?

That Tara is not made for you, you f**ker!

Don't chase her!

Don't chase her!

You'll be left with nothing but your d**k in your hand.

To hell with you and your signs, okay?

To hell with you and your signs, okay?

Oh! Have you forgotten what happened at the annual function?

- I'm terrified, man. - Why?

- I'm terrified, man. - Why?

- Good evening, sir. - Good evening, sir.

If she rejects me, I'll be heartbroken.

Listen, you f**ker. You've been wanting to ask her out for two years.

Listen, you f**ker. You've been wanting to ask her out for two years.

A better man would have wooed the girl and made babies by now!

You haven't even been able to ask her out! F**king hell!

You haven't even been able to ask her out! F**king hell!

I wrote her a love letter, buddy.

Will you make a perfectly symmetrical cone of it and shove it up your butt?

Will you make a perfectly symmetrical cone of it and shove it up your butt?

Go!

Hey! She has left, you f**ker!

Hey! She has left, you f**ker!

So, go after her! Go!

- Go, go, go! - Okay.

Tara!

Hi, Tara.

Kunal, what are you doing here?

I want to give you something.

What is it?

What is it?

No. I mean, I wrote something for you.

But... why here?

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

Kunal, what are you doing in the girls' washroom?

Signs!

We all live two lives in our school days.

We all live two lives in our school days.

The first is the life of friendship, fun and love.

And the second

is the life of exams, results and the ensuing parental reactions.

is the life of exams, results and the ensuing parental reactions.

If you fail at the former, it causes heartbreak.

If you fail at the former, it causes heartbreak.

And if you fail at the latter, your a** is on fire.

Are these your grades?

Did we send you to such a good school so that you could get these grades?

Look at his grades!

Look at your dear son's grades!

Look at your dear son's grades!

You're reacting as if I have failed!

I've got the third rank!

I've got the third rank!

I'm out of town 25 days a month.

I drive the truck myself to avoid having to pay a driver!

I drive the truck myself to avoid having to pay a driver!

Your mother

requests extra work from her office just to make some extra money!

requests extra work from her office just to make some extra money!

We're not doing all this so that you could get the third rank!

You should get the first rank, son!

You should get the first rank, son!

I've seen your report cards in the cupboard.

You struggled to pass your exams, but you want me to ace mine.

Rein him in.

He's getting out of hand.

He's getting out of hand.

At least, sign it!

At least, sign it!

Find another father. I won't sign this.

Mom, please sign it.

Mom, please sign it.

I don't want to find another father just for this.

- Hey! - Don't even ask!

I'll slap you if you ask me!

Do you have no shame? Is that how you talk to your father?

- Shouldn't he understand-- - He's a heart patient.

- Shouldn't he understand-- - He's a heart patient.

He takes four pills at a time. Don't you understand?

He has no manners!

So, he should understand too!

So, he should understand too!

I've got the third rank out of thirty students!

He scolds you because he's concerned about your future.

He's worried about you.

Do you remember?

Do you remember?

Even I had asked him not to enrol you at such an expensive school.

But he said that if you went to a good school, you'd dream big.

But he said that if you went to a good school, you'd dream big.

That you'd achieve something big in life.

And you talk back to him!

Go. First, apologise to dad.

Please sign it first.

Apologise to dad first.

You're all so dramatic!

You'll drive me crazy!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, dad!

Score over 90 percent in the next exam. We'll talk later.

Score over 90 percent in the next exam. We'll talk later.

So, we'll never talk.

What do you mean?

What's up, Tara's admirer--

What do you mean?

Greetings, uncle. How are you?

Greetings, uncle. How are you?

Yes, greetings.

But what did you mean by "Tara's admirer"?

Uncle, it's...

Uncle, it's...

it's a movie title.

Kunal and I were planning to watch it together.

Kunal and I were planning to watch it together.

It'll cheer us up.

And then, we'll do nothing but study till the annual exam.

And then, we'll do nothing but study till the annual exam.

- "Tara's Admirer"? - Yes.

Do you guys go to Smriti Talkies to watch obscene movies?

Do you guys go to Smriti Talkies to watch obscene movies?

No, uncle. That's not the case at all! Why don't you tell him?

Yes, dad. What are you saying?

We're not that pathetic.

Okay.

And, my boy,

what percentage did you score?

- Uncle, I-- - 48.

And just like I got the third rank from the top,

And just like I got the third rank from the top,

he got the third rank from the bottom.

And yet, his father didn't scold him as much

as you scolded me for scoring 78 percent.

as you scolded me for scoring 78 percent.

Look, son.

You want to become a merchant navy officer, right?

You want to become a merchant navy officer, right?

One's 12th grade board exam results matter a lot.

Focus on your studies. Okay?

Focus on your studies. Okay?

You have your whole life ahead of you.

Yes, dad.

Go and watch Tara's Admirer.

Go and watch Tara's Admirer.

Here you go.

But you must only study after you return.

Yes, dad.

Come on, buddy.

- Take this. - I'll take it.

- Hey! - Let's go.

- Uncle, look. - See you, dad.

- Uncle, look. - See you, dad.

- Goodbye, uncle. - Let's go!

Dad was very angry today.

- Forget about-- - I'm in deep trouble.

- Forget about-- - I'm in deep trouble.

Forget about that, man! I've got such great news for you

that you'll kiss me in joy.

Are you getting a sex-change operation done?

Oh, please! You're not so lucky.

Oh, please! You're not so lucky.

Your Altaf Raja is coming to Indore! He's performing at the palace tomorrow!

I know, man!

I know, man!

But you don't know that all the girls from our class will be there too,

including Tara!

including Tara!

You're f**king with me, right?

Why would I? Tara will be there!

Oh, buddy!

Oh, buddy!

Amazing, Altaf! I love you!

Amazing, Altaf! I love you!

Hi.

Oh, Tara! What a surprise!

Oh, Tara! What a surprise!

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Have you come here to see Altaf Raja?

No. I've come to see Sonu Nigam.

Really? Is he here too?

Oh, sorry. Stupid question.

Oh, sorry. Stupid question.

You've come to Altaf Raja's show. Of course, you're here to see Altaf Raja!

Didn't your parents come with you?

Why?

Did you want to meet them?

No, actually--

No, actually--

By the way, how come you're alone? Where is Hari?

By the way, how come you're alone? Where is Hari?

Hari? He's in the parking lot with Shefali.

You know them. They get started anywhere!

And who is this gift for?

For you.

For me?

Yes, it's for you.

- What is it? - See for yourself.

- What is it? - See for yourself.

Take it.

- Are you sure it's for me? - Yes, open it and see it.

- Are you sure it's for me? - Yes, open it and see it.

- Should I open it? - Yes.

What is this?

Actually, I'm going to Mumbai after we finish school

Actually, I'm going to Mumbai after we finish school

to become a merchant navy officer.

Okay...

Okay...

So, I want to say something to you before I go.

Say it.

You know, actually...

You know, actually...

Say it. Don't be shy.

I love you!

- What? - I love you, Tara!

I see.

So...

So...

Don't you think you're going a little too fast?

Don't you think you're going a little too fast?

Kunal?

Kunal, are you okay?

Kunal, are you okay?

Ku-- What?

Hari!

- Kunal? - Hari!

What?

What?

There's an old saying

that some people are fate's b*tches.

that some people are fate's b*tches.

In matters of love, fate kept playing me for a fool.

In matters of love, fate kept playing me for a fool.

Hari was right.

One is not destined to have some things.

One is not destined to have some things.

And if one still keeps chasing them, one gets f**ked up real bad.

And if one still keeps chasing them, one gets f**ked up real bad.

But back then, I didn't understand this.

But back then, I didn't understand this.

I was meant to ruin myself further. I was to ruin myself terribly.

I was to ruin myself f**king completely.

I was to ruin myself f**king completely.