Original subtitles

[theme music]

[music playing]

You know what's wrong with the kids today?

Hmm?

They don't bother to learn the three R's.

I mean, your basic three R's.

I mean, they can't even solve the simplest problem.

I know when I was a kid, I mean, we really worked on that stuff.

You give us any combination of numbers,

words, boy, we could solve it like nothing.

Kids today, they expect somebody to give them the answer.

You were real good in math when you were in school.

Oh, boy.

I was a whiz.

I've got a little problem for you.

Hey, well, lay it on me.

Old "Numbers Gordon" will solve it like that.

All right.

These three sailors going to a hotel.

They say they want to rent a room, share it.

So the manager said, that'll be $30.

So each sailor gives the manager $10.

A little while later, the manager feels guilty.

He thinks he overcharged them for the room,

so he calls the bellhop over and gives him $5.

Says, give them back their $5.

On the way back up to the room, the bellhop thinks,

well, they didn't tip me for carrying their bags,

so he keeps $2.

Goes to the room, gives each one of the sailors back $1.

So instead of paying $10 each, they only paid $9 each.

Right.

3 times 9 is 27.

The bellhop kept $2.

That's $29.

Where's the other dollar?

[inaudible]

Hmm?

Come on, give me the answer.

You know that's the trouble with old bearded guys today.

They expect everybody to give 'em the answer.

[laughs]

Oh, that's cute, Jonathan.

Cute.

[laughs]

[music playing]

No luggage?

Uh-uh.

Staying long?

A week or two.

No luggage, staying a week or two.

Yeah, that's right.

You'll be needing a laundromat.

It's right around the corner.

Thanks very much.

There you go.

Since you don't have any luggage,

you'll have to pay in advance.

Mm.

There's for a week.

[clank]

You don't have any pets, do you?

Do you see any pets?

CLERK: Well, you never know.

Have a nice stay.

Thank you.

Hey, after we get settled in, why don't we take a walk?

Sounds good to me.

Yeah.

I got the feeling this is gonna be a good assignment.

Well, they're all good assignments.

Yeah.

From your point of view, OK.

But let's face it.

Some of them have taken place in some pretty

tough neighborhoods.

Places where you'd be afraid to walk alone in the daylight,

let alone at night.

We go where we have to go.

Yeah, well, I prefer this.

Place where we can walk along unmolested.

You know, enjoy the evening air.

[chuckles] Yeah. I--

All right.

Hold it right there.

Now come on.

Give me your wallets.

Come on, come on.

I don't have all night.

Jonathan, do something.

Yeah, Jonathan.

Do something, like give me a wallet.

I'm sorry.

I can't do that.

What?

I said I can't do that.

What are you, nuts?

Give me your wallet or I blow his head off.

Hey, now. Wait a minute.

I don't like to be threatened.

You don't like to be threatened?

MAN: All right, tough guy.

He gets it. - Oh!

Oh!

[sputters]

Hey!

What the--

MARK: [chokes]

Oh, baby.

JONATHAN: Mark, wait!

What do you mean, wait?

He's getting away.

What, you want to get yourself killed?

What? Come on.

With a water gun? Come on.

JONATHAN: It's not a water gun. It's a real gun.

I used the stuff.

If I'm not with you, I can't help you.

Oh, that's great.

That's just great!

We've been together what, five years?

Five years.

We're supposed to be partners, right?

Right.

MARK: Wrong!

Partners are supposed to be equal.

There's nothing equal in this partnership.

And you know why?

Because you got to stuff and I don't.

(QUIETLY) Oh, boy.

Mark, come on now, will you?

Don't be like that.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

I can't give you the stuff.

Yeah.

Well, the boss could if he wanted to.

Look.

The only reason I've got the stuff is I'm dead.

I'm an angel. - Ah, don't.

Don't give me that old argument.

I mean, Moses looked pretty healthy

when he parted the Red Sea.

You're telling me the boss didn't give him the stuff?

All right, he gave him the stuff, but that was Moses.

So what's the difference?

I work for him.

My name begins with an M. I have a beard.

I don't think he's being fair.

Come on.

I wish you wouldn't talk like that.

Hey, I'm just telling it like it is, huh?

And you know I'm right.

[thunder claps]

Ho-ho, the truth hurts, huh?

[thunder claps] Fine.

All right, all right.

I get the story.

I get the picture.

So I just spend the rest of my life doing what I'm told.

Jonathan here will take care of me.

He'll see that I've got shelter, he'll see I've got food,

and that nobody hurts me.

I'm like a dog.

Jonathan is the master and I am man's best friend.

[barks]

[dog barks]

Yeah, that's cute, Jonathan.

Cute, cute, cute.

Jonathan?

[dog barks]

Where did you go?

[dog barks]

Oh, hi, dog.

Jonathan, come on.

Talk to me.

[dog barks]

Hey, dog.

Will you lighten up?

I'm a little busy right now, you know?

I'm trying to find my friend.

So if you don't mind.

[dog whines]

Jonathan!

[dog barks]

What's going on here?

What, is your name Jonathan?

[dog barks]

[chuckles] Cute, cute, cute.

[dog whines]

Nah, can't be.

[dog whines]

A dog?

[dog barks]

Come on.

[dog barks]

[dog barks]

You're not-- are you?

[dog barks]

[dog whines]

[dog barks]

Did you do this?

Jonathan, if this is your idea of a joke,

I don't find it very funny.

[dog barks]

[dog whines]

[dog barks]

[explosions] - Ah!

Ah!

Somebody please help my get my baby!

[baby cries]

[dog barks]

WOMAN: [sobs]

[explosions]

Please, someone!

Ah!

Somebody please help me get my baby!

Hey, if you really are Jonathan, for heaven's sake,

do something.

[dog barks]

Not bark.

Oh, boy, I wish I had the stuff.

[dog barks]

What, what, what?

[dog barks]

You're telling me I got the stuff?

[dog barks]

[explosions]

[dog barks]

You sure?

[dog barks]

OK, OK.

[screams]

[baby cries] - All right.

It's all right.

It's fine.

Stay back, stay back. Stay back.

There we go.

[baby cries]

[cheers and applause]

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

[baby cries]

Oh, my god.

You're safe.

Oh, bless you.

Bless you.

Thank you, ma'am.

I already have been.

Oh!

Jonathan, I gotta tell you, I take back

everything I said about the part of not being fair.

I don't know how long this is gonna last,

but I'm gonna enjoy every minute of it.

I got the stuff.

[chuckles]

[music playing]

(WHISPERING) He's back in the back.

I'm gonna go in first.

When I give you the signal, you sneak across to the stairs, OK?

And for heaven's sakes, don't bark.

OK, stay.

[whistles]

[dog barks]

Shh!

What was that?

What was what?

I heard a bark.

I heard a dog bark.

[barks]

Pretty good, huh?

I do-- I do bird whistles, too.

See, I was on "The Gong Show" one time.

I almost won.

Lady showed up with a talking chicken.

Look, I'm really sorry I woke you.

Cute, Jonathan.

Cute.

[dog barks]

[sputters] No, don't!

Jeez!

[sighs]

[dog whines]

Jonathan, please.

The way I figure it, our biggest problem is communication.

Now, you seem to, you know, more or less understand

what I'm talking about.

But I am not sure that I am getting anything from this arf,

arf, arf, stuff, you know?

[dog whines]

What?

What did I say?

[dog barks]

What, do you want to go out?

[dog barks]

Now?

[dog whines]

[dog barks]

No, no.

Is it an assignment?

[dog whines]

No, it's not an assignment.

Um--

[dog barks]

You want to go for a walk?

[smack]

That's it.

You want to go for a walk.

We can't go for a walk.

The guy downstairs sees you, we're out of here.

[dog groans]

What we're gonna have to do is we're just gonna have to relax.

Relax and find out what the next assignment is.

[dog whines]

Ah, Jonathan.

Jonathan!

Oh!

[dog whines]

I don't believe it, Jonathan.

You never went to the bathroom before.

Well, maybe angel dogs are different.

[dog whines]

How long are we gonna have to wait for our next assignment?

[dog whines]

Oh, great.

Well, then let me ask you this.

How in the heck are you gonna be able to tell me

when we are working, huh?

Brother.

[dog whines]

I mean, you know, a bark is a bark is a bark is a bark,

you know?

MAN: Hey!

What do you think you're doing back there?

Come back here.

I'm gonna get you, you no-good thief.

I'll break your neck.

[dog barks]

Hey, do me a favor, will you?

Just stay out of the way here.

I think I'm going to use a little of the stuff

and get me another bad guy.

[dog barks]

[music playing]

[rattle]

All right.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Get away from me.

You're not police.

Hey, it's either me or the guy who wants to break your neck.

All right.

Well, what were you doing?

Nothing.

Oh, he was yelling about nothing, huh?

He doesn't like people in his trash can.

He acts like it's gold or something.

What were you doing in his trash?

I was hungry.

You would-- [dog barks]

What?

What, what, what?

[dog barks]

This is it?

[dog barks]

This is our assignment?

Do you always talk to your dog?

Well-- [sputters] never mind that.

Still hungry?

Why?

Why do you want to know?

Well, because I am.

And I thought if you were, maybe we could get something better

than what was in the trash can.

I think I kind of lost my appetite.

MARK: Well, suit yourself.

I'm gonna eat.

Well, I think maybe I can force myself.

Oh.

Well, that sounds fine.

All right, let's go.

What's your dog's name?

Jonathan Smith.

Jonathan Smith?

I never heard of a dog with a last name.

Yeah, well, he's a very unusual dog.

[dog barks]

[music playing]

Wish we didn't have to leave Jonathan outside.

Are you sure he won't run away?

Nah, we're a team.

So where do you live?

Mm, I'm not from around here.

What do you mean, around this neighborhood

or around the city?

I tell you the truth, do you promise

not to go to the police?

Well, I don't know about that.

I mean, what if I find are you're some kind of criminal

or something like that?

No, it's not that.

I'm an alien.

Oh.

Across the border, huh?

No, from outer space.

I'm an extra-cholesterol being.

Hmm.

That's funny.

I mean, you look just like a little boy.

Pretty good disguise, huh?

[inaudible] that's where I'm from.

I don't really look like this.

Mm.

What, you don't believe me?

No, I didn't say that.

I just like to keep an open mind about these things.

What's your name?

Mondre.

Should have known.

Mondre what?

Just Mondre.

Well, I tell you what, Mondre.

Why don't you finish up while I go pay this tab?

Hey, that your mutt?

Not a mutt.

Whatever he is.

Is he yours?

Um-- what's the problem?

We've got a law here that says you

take your dog out for a walk, you keep it on a leash.

Oh.

Well, look, I sort of found him, you know?

I figured I'd keep him for a couple of days,

see if I could find his owner.

Well, far be it from me to keep

a good Samaritan such as yourself

from doing a good deed.

But you're gonna have to get a leash for him, OK?

Yeah.

Thanks.

[sighs] Well, that's it, pal.

First thing tomorrow morning, we get you a leash.

[dog barks]

Hey, I'm sorry.

Angel or no angel, you can end up in the pound.

Now what did-- where's the kid?

[dog barks]

Jonathan, why'd you let the kid run off?

How in the heck are we gonna--

I'm right here.

Why were you hiding?

Are you kidding?

Do you realize what I'm worth to the foreign governments?

I'm an alien, remember?

Oh, yeah.

Right.

I wasn't thinking, you know?

Hey, it's getting late.

Do aliens need sleep?

You bet. MARK: Good.

Come on.

[dog barks]

Come on, come on, come on.

All right, let's see.

When's the last time you slept in a bed?

Oh, you mean an earthling bed?

I should have known.

Well, you sleep in that earthling bed

and I'll grab this couch here.

[lapping]

Aw, Jonathan.

Come on.

Jonathan, I'll get you a bowl.

I think maybe he's hungry.

Who, Jonathan? Nah.

Doesn't eat.

[dog barks]

[dog whines]

Of course he's hungry.

Aren't you, boy?

[dog barks]

Shh, shh, shh, shh!

All right, I'll go out and get something.

But you keep an eye on him.

OK.

I'm talking to the dog.

[door closes]

Cookies here.

Wonder which one of these Jonathan will like.

Hey, this is the ticket.

Kinda looks like Jonathan.

[chuckles] Woof!

[hums]

[gasps]

Let me have all the money in the register now.

You, on the floor, face down.

Not again.

What's the world coming to?

Come on, hurry it up.

All right, all right.

Just-- just don't shoot.

What am I doing?

Hey, punk.

You talking to me, old man?

Do you see any other punks around here?

Don't do that, mister.

Please.

I want you to hand me that gun.

I'll give you the gun.

[click]

[exhales]

[clicks]

[chuckles]

[thump]

[laughs] Struck you out.

[siren wails]

Lucky for you he had three empty chambers.

One more pull and you'd be dead meat.

Well, I had a feeling it wouldn't go off.

How'd you figure?

Well, I got the--

I-- I used to be a cop up in Oakland.

You used to be a cop?

Mm-hmm.

Then you ought to know better.

[chuckles]

The stuff, I love it.

Love it!

[music playing]

Hi, Justin.

Oh, no.

Justin?

My name isn't Justin.

It's Tommy.

I thought it was Mondre.

When Mr. Gordon called, I had a suspicion it was you.

You called her?

Boy, is that cruddy.

MARK: Hey, I told you I'd find your parents.

You wouldn't tell me who you were,

so I had to call in the troops.

I take it you two know each other.

Old friends.

He's a habitual runaway.

I've taken him back at least seven or eight times.

MARK: What do his parents say about all that?

OFFICER: His mother has the custody.

Father's out of the picture.

Why do you run away all the time?

I ain't saying nothing without my lawyer.

Huh.

So what happens now?

I take him to the station and call his mother.

Why don't I save you a trip?

Let me take him home.

Maybe I can talk to her.

What do you think?

[sighs]

It's worth a try.

You can't do any worse than I have.

[music playing]

Quite a place.

If you like living in a zoo.

Yeah!

[yells]

Don't ever do that.

I got the stuff.

I could have brrrk.

You'd have been all over the place.

Hi, [inaudible].

Hi, Ochi.

Thought the cop said your name was Justin.

It's Tommy.

Justin, darling.

[giggles] Oh, where have you been?

I've been looking all over for you.

It's Tommy.

Oh, I have no one but the nature in here to play with.

I make the music.

Yeah, I bet you do.

What music is that?

All the music of the universe.

Big place.

Don't tell me.

You've come to talk about the showing in Denver.

It was fantastic, wasn't it, darling?

I wasn't there, Mom.

You weren't?

Oh, what a shame.

It was absolutely chilling.

You would have loved it.

I was striving to reconstruct the resounding cacophony that

pervades the silent transformation that grows

between two people who have this intense love-hate

non-relationship.

Mom.

VANESSA: [sighs] In a minute, darling.

[sighs] This piece began on a darkened stage

with these two incredibly fat actors eating these delicately

thin ice cream cones.

Meanwhile, Astarte here--

Mom, Mark isn't--

VANESSA: Oh, Justin, please.

Astarte came in and began spray painting

these deliciously vulgar words on the backdrop.

I make the music.

And it was brilliant.

It made Stravinsky sound like ragtime.

Tommy.

Oh, that's all right, darling.

He does that sometimes.

Now, where were we?

Mrs. Baldwin--

Oh, call me Vanessa.

Vanessa, we've got--

I go make the music.

[snaps]

Now, look, Mrs.-- um, Vanessa, I am not here about Denver.

Oh?

I found Tommy or Justin or whoever last night.

Found him?

You mean he was lost?

No.

He had run away.

Oh, he often does that.

He wants to attract my attention.

Doesn't seem to be working too well.

Don't be Victorian, darling.

You're much too cuddly for that.

I do nothing because I want Justin

to grow up unfettered and free of adult strictures.

I want him to see all there is to see

so that he can decide what to do with his life, not me.

There is a wonderland outside those doors,

filled with magic and music.

I want him to hear all there is to hear so--

ah!

The beast has desecrated a priceless boot.

Get him out of here.

Probably just trying to get your attention.

Out!

Both of you, out!

[dog barks]

We're going.

[dog barks]

Now do you know why I ran away?

[huffs] [sighs]

[music playing]

[door opens]

[sighs] Listen, I've gotta go out for a while.

And where you going?

MARK: I've got some work to do.

Listen, I want you to take Jonathan

for a walk in the park.

I'll meet you there in about two hours, all right?

Just me and Jonathan?

MARK: Yeah.

Think you can handle it?

Are you kidding?

Sure I can.

See you in a couple hours.

Finish up your breakfast, boy.

Then we can go play, OK?

[dog barks]

OK.

[phone rings]

It's not worth it, believe me.

Come on.

Let me get this straight.

The kid runs away.

You find him, you take him back home.

He runs away again.

That's putting it in very simple terms.

Let me get a little more complicated.

What have you done to stop this vicious circle?

Help the kid somehow?

I mean, you've seen his mother.

Think she's a cross between Isadora Duncan and Auntie Mame.

And it can't be a healthy environment for a kid that age.

How Mrs. Baldwin chooses to raise her son is her business.

It's not our job to get involved in that aspect of the case.

[sighs] She hasn't abused the child.

[chuckles] What about the father?

The mother has custody.

MARK: You know where he is?

Did you ever think that maybe this is none of your business?

No.

Now come on, give.

Look, you're not even a relative.

And how do I know-- MARK: Come on.

I used to be a cop.

I know the drill.

Check bank records, credit cards, former employers.

You know, that's an awful lot of work.

You know you could save me some time.

His name is Justin, but he calls

himself Tommy after his dad.

[exhales] Thomas Baldwin, 337 Rowena.

Thank you.

OFFICER: It won't do any good, you know?

And it won't do any harm, either.

[doorbell rings]

Yes?

You're Thomas Baldwin?

Yes.

You have a son named Tommy or Justin?

I have a son named Justin.

I don't know anything about the others.

What's this all about?

Can I come in?

What's wrong with Justin?

He runs away, a lot.

Vanessa says it's his cry for attention.

Who's Vanessa?

His mother, Vanessa Baldwin.

You mean Katie.

[chuckles] Katie.

She never liked her real name.

It wasn't artsy enough.

- May I come in? - Come on in.

I'm having lunch.

Do you mind if I finish?

No, go ahead.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

What's your interest in Justin?

Social services, what?

I found him.

So?

So I see the zoo he lives in.

So?

I thought you'd be interested.

I am.

Oh.

Enough to let him come here and live with you?

No.

Well, why not?

I mean, he's your son.

Don't you care?

Who the hell do you think you are, coming in here

and giving me that righteous crap?

Care?

Why do you think I left in the first place?

You tell me.

Give me one good reason.

Justin.

Dirty pool.

Hey, well, sue me.

OK.

After the divorce, I got to go see

my son on alternate weekends.

Trouble was, when I'd show up, she would have

taken him away for the weekend.

Sometimes she'd call and tell me he was sick on Friday night.

By Monday, he was well again.

There was a three-month spell where I didn't seem him at all.

And when I finally did, he asked me why I didn't

want to come see him anymore.

I felt this high.

Yeah, I can believe it.

[sighs] There was no way I could fight her.

She was tearing my heart out and there wasn't

a thing I could do about it.

So you took off.

Right.

MARK: Chickened out.

Right.

Turned your back on your son.

Yes.

I mean, don't you ever want to see him?

I'm afraid to now.

It's been so long, he probably hates me.

You're probably right, but that doesn't

mean he doesn't love you.

Come on, man.

Have some guts.

That boy is your son.

[dog whines]

Hello, Justin.

[dog barks]

Tommy!

[dog barks]

I don't wanna see him.

MARK: Why?

'Cause I hate him.

Oh, you hate him.

Why do you call yourself Tommy?

Look, I know you're hurt.

You're angry.

You've got every right to be.

He ran out on me.

My mom may act kind of funny, but she never ran out on me.

Well, you run away all the time.

What are you doing?

Why?

Why?

I have my reasons.

MARK: Maybe he did too.

I don't know.

But you aren't ever gonna know unless you talk to him.

Hey, come on.

I'm not asking you to love him.

Not even asking you to like him.

But I really do think you ought to talk to him.

What do you say, pal?

You wanted to tell me something?

You've grown a lot since I saw you last.

I've had a lot of time to grow since you saw me last.

Why didn't you want to see me?

My excuses are stupid.

I was wrong.

Your mother and I both did things that

were wrong because of anger.

And all we did was hurt you.

Look, I don't blame you for how you feel about me.

But if I talked to your mom and she said it was all right

if you spent some time with me, do

you think you'd give me a chance to make up for what I've done?

[music playing]

I missed you so bad.

I missed you, too.

[dog barks]

[music playing]

Vanessa!

Quiet!

I'm creating.

Oh, it's my hairy poet.

Did you find my vagabond?

Hello, Katie.

Hello, Thomas.

Look, I wanted to talk to you about Justin.

I'd like to have him spend some time with me.

I know we've had our problems.

Justin?

Yes, Mom.

I want you to go and live with Thomas for a while.

Huh?

How about the custody agreement?

It will be a great adventure for Justin.

After all, he's already experienced

the delight of a warm, caring, nurturing mother.

Now it's time he has a father.

Hunting, fishing, baseball, all those fatherly things.

I don't know what to say, Katie.

Something elegant, like, "Thank you, Vanessa,"

will do nicely.

And now, Justin, my dearest love, come here.

Learn from your father.

Learn all the things necessary to be a bold, adventurous man.

And then hurry back to the mother

who loves you with a whole heart

I will.

And remember, there is a wonderland out there,

filled with magic and music.

Don't let those awful people out there make you tone deaf.

I promise.

Oh!

[kiss]

Dimitri?

Dimitri!

I've never done a piece on parenting.

Will start in black, with the sound of water, the womb.

Ah!

[flush]

I make the music!

Oh!

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it!

Yeah.

One thing.

No more running away.

You too?

You're a pretty sassy kid.

You must take after your mom.

Is it a deal?

Absolutely.

Mark?

Yeah.

Can I keep Jonathan?

I heard you tell the policeman you found him.

Well, I wish you could, you see.

But it's not that easy.

We are very close, you know?

He wouldn't want me to leave him.

I understand.

So long, Jonathan.

I love you and I'll never forget you.

Thanks a lot, Mark.

[dog whines]

OK, kiddo.

Come on, Jonathan.

[dog whines]

Jonathan, what are you doing?

Come on.

[dog whines]

[dog barks]

You and I are gonna have to have a talk.

Come here.

[dog whines]

Now, what the heck's going on?

This will never work.

If the kid wants a dog, we'll get him a dog.

[dog whines]

What?

Now listen, I know that things happen for a reason, Jonathan.

But I mean, this is way, way out in left field, you know?

[dog barks]

You sure about this?

[dog whines]

Oh, Jonathan.

I don't want to say good bye like this, you know?

I mean, I knew you'd have to go sometime, you know?

I always thought we could say it face to face,

you know, kind of like man to angel.

Not like this.

[dog whines]

Me too, buddy.

So long.

[dog whines]

[dog barks]

Take care of him.

I will.

I promise.

[dog barks]

I was talking to the dog.

WOMAN: [screams]

[all yelling]

MAN: Come on.

MAN: It's not that bad.

MAN: Don't jump.

Don't jump.

My first assignment, alone.

This one's for you, Jonathan.

Hurry, please.

He's going to jump.

Tell the police to relax.

I'll save him.

[music playing]

[crowd yelling]

Don't jump, buddy.

Listen, I know you think the world stinks,

but there's always tomorrow.

Things will get better.

Sure, I know.

Don't worry, be happy.

Oh, well, I wouldn't put it that way.

Don't come near me.

I can't let you do this.

I'm warning you.

You come near me, we both die.

Oh, I can't die.

What are you, crazy?

You're about to jump off the building,

you're calling me crazy?

[laughs] Come on, give me your hand.

You'll go with me.

JONATHAN: Mark!

Jonathan.

Be with you in a minute.

Jonathan, what are you doing here?

Will you get in here before you get yourself killed?

[chuckles] I can't get killed.

I got stuff.

[chuckles]

Why aren't you with Justin?

Justin?

Who's Justin?

What do you mean, who's Justin?

The little boy who loved you when you were a dog.

I was never a dog.

You-- you--

the boss didn't turn you into a dog?

JONATHAN: No, I've been on another assignment.

And I don't--

I don't have the stuff?

No, of course. MARK: Never?

Never had the stuff?

Never.

Nev-- never.

Never!

Mark!

[yells]

[all screaming]

Ah!

[breathing heavily] Oh, oh, it's a dream.

It's just a dream.

Oh, brother.

That was weird.

That was weird.

Jonathan, I just had the worst dream of my life.

I dreamt that you were--

[dog barks]

[theme music]

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