Original subtitles

>> Settle down, gonads.

Oh, sweet Jonas,

it's cold out here.

(popping)

I hope that's a third nipple.

It's time for our annual

polar bear plunge,

where brave souls run headlong

into the icy surf.

Stupid people, take your places.

>> Bro, how are you

not freezing?

It's like 60 degrees!

>> Back in Jersey, this is

primo belly shirt weather.

>> Can you believe this freakin'

heat wave we're having?

>> It's a freakin' scorcher.

"Deck my balls."

Oh, that's a good shirt.

>> Yeah, or maybe he's warm

because he has the thick,

insulating blubber layer

of the arctic walrus.

Thanks for tutoring me

in marine science, babe.

Couldn't have made

that fat joke without you.

>> At least he has

the balls to participate.

>> Come on, Mondo,

this is gonna be fun.

>> Sometimes I fear I'll end up

sad and alone, like the

Ecuadorian hermit crab.

Damn, that girl can tutor.

(gunshot)

(all screaming)

>> Ah!

Cold, cold, cold!

>> I got hy-- I got hypo--

Hypotherm-- I'm very cold!

This is all you, bro.

>> That's my boy!

>> You're awesome, Mondo!

>> I can't feel my legs!

(all gasping)

Is that my bathing suit?

(all laughing)

And my pride?

**

>> Congratulations, ladies.

I know it was a tough night.

But based on personal

experience, pool parties,

unconfirmed sextings, and

vicious rumors, we have finally

compiled our most comprehensive

ranking of penis size

at Playa Del Toro High ever.

Bitches, I give you the D-list.

>> Stop the presses!

Big news from the

polar bear plunge.

There's something

you need to see.

>> I really think you're making

way too much out of this, Mondo.

>> Mondo? I know not of this

"Mondo" that you speak of.

I am sheriff Mustachio Van Dyke,

transfer student from...

Cowboy City, USA.

>> No sane person's

gonna buy it, bro.

>> Morning, Woodie.

Sheriff Van Dyke.

(sighing)

>> Aah!

Mondo, you have got to quit

sneaking up on people like that.

By the by, I was at the arcade,

and it seems a certain dynamic

duo now has the top score

on MMA Blood Blast!

>> Tokens accepted!

Blood brothers!

Join the fight!

(mimicking martial arts)

>> Bam!

What are all these flyers?

>> Oh, these are--

>> Nothing.

Nothing that pertains to you.

>> The "D-list"?

What's this about?

Every guy in school is on here.

Turk's first, and I'm...

at the bottom.

>> It's the--

>> Dude list!

And you're the newest dude

in town, so you're last.

And let's not talk

about it anymore.

>> Oh, hey, Mon-dork.

Congratulations on your

last place showing.

>> Thanks, Milan.

It's just a pleasure

to be included.

And I hear we're getting some

Chinese transfer students soon.

Ought to bump me up

a few places, right?

>> I guess... gross.

>> Oh, hello there,

Mondo Brando.

Allow us to formally

welcome you to hell.

>> What?

>> We're your neighbors

at the bottom of the D-list.

>> I'm also the valedictorian,

and he's a National Merit

scholar.

But no one seems

to care about that.

>> Gentlemen, adieu.

>> Oh, that little one

gives me the creeps.

>> I'd like to thank

my balls for support,

my best girl Jeena for being

with me through the ups

and downs.

Boobs for all the hard times.

You know whose you are.

And especially

the little people.

(all laughing)

>> The D-list isn't

the dude list, is it?

Uh, you better shake a leg, Ma,

the movers will be here

in the morning.

>> We're not going back

to Jersey.

Look, honey, kids are always

gonna be little pricks.

I-I-I mean, cruel.

This sucks, munchkin,

I'm not gonna lie to you.

But you can't just run away.

You gotta find a way to

stand up for yourself.

Remember the family motto.

>> "You mess with a Brando,

you get the back of the hando."

>> You know,

in my mud wrestling days,

I had that on the back

of a cape.

>> Look at you.

Comfortably average, cute

enough, extremely sensitive.

You're like the Michael Cera

of penises.

>> I call mine "Will Smith"

because he's got urban cred,

but white women find him

non-threatening.

(laughing)

>> Oh, this is bad, dude.

I was up all night,

imagining ways to flash

my room temperature

schlong to the whole school.

>> Be careful, Lonnie did that

once by accident, and now he

can't park within 300 yards

of the playground.

>> Yeah, besides, I gotta find

a way to take down that list,

not just for me,

but for all the other guys

stuck at the bottom.

>> That's very noble

of you, bro.

>> I know, right?

>> Guys, a little help?

Guys?

>> Give 'em hell, bro.

(phone ringing)

(slurping)

>> Mmm...

>> We're, like, having

a D-list top ten party later.

Bonfire on the beach.

>> So why are you telling me?

>> You don't know?

>> We totally hope you

can make it, number five.

(chuckling)

>> * Is that my bathing suit *

* My pride my bathing suit *

* My pride *

* I can't feel my legs **

(laughing)

>> There he is!

I was just making you

my ringtone!

How funny is that?

>> Hey, Principal Gurniel,

um, I was hoping we could talk

about something, discreetly,

just between you and me.

>> Sure, sure.

Slip off your shoes,

and pull up a pillow.

I'll light

a conversation candle.

>> All right, I was hoping to

get the D-list banned

from school.

See, it's harassment,

it's bullying, and it's ruining

people's lives.

>> Those are some serious

gripes, amigo.

But before I hit shuffle

on my policy-pod,

I better hear the B-side

of this argument.

(feedback)

>> Milan Stone, please report

to the principal's office.

>> No! I said "discreetly!"

>> Chill out, compadre.

You've gotta mellow

those dramatics.

Now, I'm just gonna go ahead

and light a conflict

resolution candle.

>> If this is about us creating

a fake profile with Zac Efron's

picture and setting up a date

at the diner with that fat girl,

and then there was nobody there

but us, laughing at her stupid,

fat face...

It wasn't me.

>> No, no, that's not it.

It seems Mondo here has

a little problem with your list.

>> He can't tell me

what to do.

>> Milan makes

an excellent point.

>> Huh?

>> I believe Milan is exercising

her First Amendment right

to freedom of speech.

>> I don't need to exercise.

He does.

>> Are you kidding me?

I doubt the founding fathers

had a penis chart in mind when

they wrote the Bill of Rights.

>> Ratifying this document

will protect the liberties

of all of our citizens.

Now everyone whip out their

Hancocks to see who signs first.

(zipping)

>> Uh, you can't

get rid of the D-list!

It's like... an institution!

>> Slavery was an institution!

>> Ooh, he said slavery.

That's racist.

Suspend him.

>> Whoa, whoa! Oh!

I can see we've got

a hot button issue here.

And I have the perfect way

to put an end to it.

>> Thank god.

>> Attention, students.

This Friday's assembly will be

a debate about the D-list.

Arguing on the side

of free speech, Milan Stone.

Arguing on the side

of tiny penises, Mondo Brando.

(students laughing)

>> * My pride my bathing suit *

>> Hey, it worked!

>> * I can't feel my legs **

**

(barbershop singing)

>> Nice pipes, boys.

And to think, before the D-list,

we couldn't fill a seat.

Now put on your Viking helmets

for the opera finale.

>> You okay, man?

>> Hmm, well, let's see.

Public nudity, public speaking,

Throw in spiders and

a Sarah Palin presidency,

and all my nightmares

have come true.

>> Very cool.

Very political.

>> I know, right?

There's no way in hell

I'm doing this stupid debate.

>> 'Sup, Woodie?

'Sup, master debater?

(chuckling)

I think it's awesome

that you're debating Milan.

Maybe we'll take down this

stupid list once and for all.

>> So how are you gonna

get out of the debate?

>> Get out of the debate?

The hell's wrong with you?

You heard the lady,

I'm in it to win it!

Besides, it'll be good

to finally put an end to this

kind of sexual objectification.

>> Hi, Woodie.

>> Whoa! She's, like,

a 9.2 on the dichter scale!

That's, like, the fifth hot girl

that's creeping on you.

What's that about?

>> I don't know, man.

Maybe it's my new... shampoo.

>> Hi, Woodie.

>> Hi, Woodie.

>> I said hi first!

(screaming)

>> Man, I gotta get me

some of that shampoo!

>> Ah, there's my stooges.

You guys missed another great

performance of the glory

hole "te-atre."

I hear next season,

they're doing "Spermalot!"

So if you don't have

any plans tonight,

I thought us boys could bone up,

plug away, grind it out,

cram it good, put our heads down

and bury our noses in it.

>> What?

>> Get your mind

out of the gutter.

I am talking about doing

debate research at the library!

I always wanted to do it

in a public place.

>> That would be awesome.

I can use all the help

I can get.

>> Uh, yeah, guys,

you know what?

I'm gonna meet you there.

I just have an errand

I gotta run.

>> This is so empty.

How can they afford

to stay open?

>> The same way they keep

city parks and hospitals open.

They rent out space

to the adult film industry.

>> I'd like to return this book,

but it's too big

to fit in the slot.

>> Maybe you should push

a little harder.

>> That dialogue is terrible.

>> No, that's

the actual checkout desk.

Porno is over there.

>> "Do Me Decimal System,"

take two.

>> Oh, hello, fellow readers.

Welcome to the library.

The only safe haven from those

jerks at the top of the list.

>> Until now!

Some cyber-bully just hacked my

Facebook and tagged me with

hundreds of penis photos.

>> That's not right.

They're even calling you

"Dick Noodle."

>> Nope, that's my name.

It's pronounced "Nu-dell."

>> All right,

let's get started.

I just gotta fire up my iPad.

>> Why did we come here

if we're using that?

>> Untraceable Wi-Fi!

And the softest toilet paper

in town!

>> I need some reading material.

Oh, Maya Angelou!

That's my jam.

>> Whoa! Where are you going,

beanpole?

>> I'm number five.

>> Why didn't you say so?

Right this way.

>> * She dance, she dance *

* The way she dance... **

>> Woodie!

>> What's up, Wood-man?

How about a drink?

>> I don't know.

I'm not planning on staying

that long.

>> Yeah, cool, totally.

Hey, you mind holding this

a second in your mouth?

(gulping)

(cheering)

>> I'm afraid our argument

to control free speech

is not looking good.

Apparently, laws have protected

these scandalous gossip rags

throughout history.

>> I know! They even

had sexting back then.

Check out this dirty telegraph

From President Taft

to his mistress.

"You're turning me on.

Stop.

Why did you stop?

Stop.

Undo your corset.

Stop.

Disregard my stops.

Stop.

Oh, baby.

Stop.

Here it comes, stop, stop, stop.

Stop-stop-stop.

I've stopped it

all over your face.

Stop."

Ugh! This is getting

us nowhere.

And where the hell is Woodie?

I can't believe

he stood me up.

>> Well, whatever he's doing,

he cannot possibly be having

as much fun as we are.

>> Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo, yeah!

>> Oops.

>> Will you stop

dropping your pencil?

>> Sorry! Butterfingers.

>> Hey, thanks for helping me

out, Wadska.

You really came through.

>> I'm a little worried

about Woodie, though.

He didn't even call.

>> Why are you worried?

He looks like he's having

the greatest time of his life.

>> Woodie?

Woodie! What the (bleep)?

>> Hey, Woodie, you better

go control your woman.

>> Ooh, ice cream.

>> Hey, dude!

>> Don't "hey, dude" me.

(sniffing)

You're drunk.

I can smell it on your breath.

>> Oh, sorry, I guess I got

caught up at this

top ten party.

I'm number five.

>> Number five!

Why didn't you tell me?

>> You saw the list.

But all you cared about

was your own name.

Besides, I didn't wanna

hurt your feelings.

>> So you got wasted with Turk?

And four of the hottest

half-naked girls I've ever seen?

Well, okay, one's kind

of a butterface, but--

How can you be so selfish?

>> Selfish?

Because for one night, I went

to an awesome party instead

of hanging out with you?

>> But you're my friend,

and they're the enemy.

>> They're not my enemy.

>> Come back, dude.

Your beer's getting warm,

and your girl's getting cold.

>> Maybe you should go back

to your new friends

and their perfect breasts.

But dear God, that one...

She's like a Schnauzer.

What is she, somebody's cousin?

Go ahead, go!

>> Maybe I will.

>> Good.

>> Good.

>> Ice cream!

I didn't know what you wanted,

so I took a risk.

Fudge ripple!

Oh, I knew I should've gone

with vanilla.

**

(yawning)

(bullying laugh)

>> Sorry, Mon-dumpster.

You had your mouth open.

I thought you were

the garbage can.

(bullying laugh)

>> Dude, that wasn't very cool.

>> Whoa, number five doesn't

tell number one what's cool.

Unless he wants to end up

in a 69 with my fist.

Now, come on, we got rehearsal

for "Damn Wankees."

>> Oh, thank God,

you guys made up.

Oh, that's just the garbage can.

>> * I'm through with love *

* Since you took *

* Your love away from me *

* I'm blue because... *

(laughing)

>> Ahh!

>> You ditched me.

That's the definition

of ditching.

>> * I'm through with love *

* Since you took *

* Your love away from me *

* I'm blue because *

(yawning)

* Won't even stay with me *

* Won't play with me *

(dogs barking)

>> Oh, that used to be us.

Oh, why, Babs Brando?

Why are men so difficult?

>> If I could answer that

riddle, honey, I wouldn't

be standing here serving

you Shirley Temples.

Wadska, are you okay?

Is this going to be like

the time you tried to fly

with a cocktail umbrella?

>> Ha-ha-ha! No.

It's Mondo and Woodie.

Those boys are driving me crazy!

I never realized how much

I loved being a third wheel.

Coming up with wacky schemes,

then ducking out before

the consequences hit.

God, I miss that.

>> We were the three caballeros,

and it worked for us.

All the best things in the world

come in triangles:

The Great Pyramids,

Hamentaschen cookies, triangles.

>> Oh, let's think.

There has to be a way we can

bring them together again.

(order bell dinging)

Here you go.

Tsunami burger with M-M-A.

>> M-M-A?

>> Mustard, mayo, and avocado.

>> That's it, Babs, M-M-A.

I have got to get to the arcade!

Wadska, away!

>> Tokens accepted.

Blood brothers, join the fight.

>> You know this doesn't

change anything.

>> Why would it?

>> So ready for the debate

tomorrow?

>> Been working on it nonstop,

but I don't have much

of an argument.

Guess I lack

the killer instinct.

Gaaaah!

>> Well, if it makes you feel

any better, the whole deal

is just a scam.

Saw Casa taking a leak.

He's hung like a peanut.

>> That does make me

feel better-- gah!

You're a real dong detective.

Ooh!

>> Hyuh, hyuh!

Okay, big finish.

Remember the move?

>> Are you kidding?

I invented it.

We did it, we did it!

>> Hey, Mondo...

>> I know, buddy, me too.

Let's never let our peckers

come between us again.

That sounded way better

in my head.

>> I wonder who this Winnie is.

>> Player three

has joined the game.

>> Your first name is Winnie?

>> Winthorp Aguilera Wadska.

That's my name.

Don't wear it out.

>> Yeah, I don't think anyone's

going to wear that out.

Now let's see

if we can win a debate.

D-list is going down.

>> Hug?

>> Sure.

>> Kiss?

Oh, all right, after the debate.

**

>> Are you ready

for some penis...

debate?

>> Freedom of (bleep) speech!

Get it? You can say (bleep),

because if they don't let you

say (bleep),

then it is censorship.

>> Close your face holes,

miscreants.

For today's debate,

we'll follow basic

parliamentary rules.

We'll break every 15 minutes

so I can smoke a Parliament.

Miss Stone, we flipped a coin,

and despite the results,

you shall go first.

>> Hey, guys.

Instead of just talking

about freedom of expression,

I thought I'd just

express myself freely.

Hit it, girls.

**

>> I just love this country

so much.

**

>> Well, I think

we have a winner.

Oh, yeah.

You're on the clock,

shrinky-dink.

>> All right.

I guess I gotta fight sex

with sex.

>> No, no, no, no, no.

>> That's how

we got into this mess.

>> Here's your speech.

Now, just follow this verbatim

and victory will be ours.

>> Wadska, these are blank.

>> Precisely!

Because the answer is in here.

It's been in there all along.

>> No! Wadska,

I really need that speech.

>> 30 seconds left.

>> Hello, everybody.

(clearing throat)

I guess all I can do

is speak from the heart.

>> * My pride my bathing suit *

* My pride *

>> * I can't feel my legs **

(sobbing)

>> Oh, what's up, Pinocchio?

>> Hey, Sis.

Brad Abelson told everyone

I took a dump

in the sink at school.

But I didn't!

That dump was already there.

(crying)

>> Oh, just tell everyone

he's a hermaphrodite.

The only way to kill a rumor

is with a better rumor.

>> Could we have a brief recess?

>> Five minutes.

>> Okay, remember

what I told you.

>> Thanks, dude.

>> Hey, you're my blood brother.

>> Milan, can I talk to you

privately?

>> There's nothing my friends

can't hear.

>> Okay, just wanted you to know

that I'm going to distribute

these papers in the morning.

It's called the "S.P. List."

I'll give you a hint.

The first word is "smelly."

>> Beat it, nosey bitches.

Look, I know what

you're trying to do here.

But it's not going

to work, okay?

Everyone knows I smell

like roses and butterscotch.

Your rumor is a total lie.

>> So is the D-list.

Mm, but I suppose you're right.

People don't listen to rumors.

Anywho, I'm off

to the copy machine.

>> It seems Miss Stone

has forfeited the debate.

Victory belongs

to the little penis.

>> Once again, this school

does nothing to prepare you

for the real world.

>> According to the terms

of the debate, the D-list

will be abolished forever.

And, to be consistent,

we're also abolishing

the honor roll.

>> All right!

Whoo! That's so wonderful!

>> Congratulations, Mondo.

You did it!

>> Thanks, and, uh... ahem,

just to clear the air,

I don't really have

a small penis.

>> Oh, I know, we all know.

Your fly was open

the entire time.

All right.

I'll give you props on that.

>> I'm so proud of you.

I think you earned this, champ.

>> Thanks, man.

Milan totally caved

about the S.P. list.

>> Yeah, the smelly people list

would have rocked Del Toro High

to its core.

>> And now for that kiss.

**

**

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