All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine.NineS08E07.ION10

- Good morning, Cousin Tommy.
I love you.

- Good morning, Cousin Mel.
I love you.

Good morning, Cousin Sam.
I love you.

- Good morning, Cousin Tommy.
I love you.

Good morning, Cousin Becca.
I love you.

- Good morning, Cousin Sam.
I love you.

Good morning, Pappy Boyle.
I love you.

- Good morning, Becca.
I love you.

- Ooh, extra-long hug.

What got into you
this morning, Pappy?

Pappy?

Pappy!

♪

- Oh, Charles.

I'm so sorry
about your great-uncle Pappy.

You holding up okay?

- I've been managing.

- Mm...
Have you though?

- Number two, step up.
Say, "Charles,

it's Pappy.
I'll always love you."

- Okay.
Uh, "Charles, it's Pappy.

I'll always love you."

- Then why did
you leave me?

Anyway, thanks for coming
with me to the funeral.

I think we're all packed.

I just got
to go grab the coffin.

- Wait, why are you
bringing the coffin?

- I brought a coffin
to my nana's funeral on a whim,

and it was a big hit.

So now, guess who's
the coffin cousin?

- Got to say, Terry,

I'm a little surprised you're
coming to this.

- Honestly, I need a break
from the kids.

Cagney and Lacey keep trying
to trick me into falling

down the stairs on TikTok.

Terry can't
sprain another ankle.

- Well, I, for one, am pumped
to be going.

- To a funeral?
- I'm so bored, Terry.

I've been suspended
for 87 days.

Mac gets dropped off
at day care,

and I just sit at home
playing "Animal Crossing."

But no one will buy
my bugs or fossils.

I'm desperate for some
normal human interaction.

- Coffin delivery!

- Okay, fine.
It doesn't have to be

normal or human.
Any interaction will work.

- Yo.
You forgot your lunch.

- Oh.
Thank you, Diaz.

- Sir, I didn't realize you
were still staying at Rosa's.

I thought couple's counseling
was going well.

- Not anymore.

At Kevin's request,
I offered to reduce

my work hours by 26%.

Kevin countered with 50.

Which I countered with 30.

Then Kevin says 40--

- Seems like a lot
of math for therapy.

- That's what
Dr. Cheryl said...

which is why we fired her,

and now we're working
with Dr. Ramanujan.

He's a physicist with a nice,
concrete worldview.

Anyway, Kevin refuses
to budge from 36%.

And I'm starting to worry
that I might lose to him.

- You mean lose him.

- No.
Lose to him.

Therapy is a chess match.

And...

I will prevail.

- Or it's about saving
your marriage.

You should make
a grand romantic gesture.

- Ugh, so dumb.
- Seriously?

From the woman who
loves Nancy Meyers movies?

- Yeah.

Here's what
I've learned as a PI.

People suck, everyone cheats,
and love is an illusion.

Nancy Meyers is a fool,
and Holt should start dating.

What?
- You heard me.

It's the only way
you're gonna beat Kevin.

- I'm thinking about it.
I'm considering it,

and I've decided.

I'm in.
-

- Here it is.

Pappy Boyle's farm.

I spent every summer
here as a kid.

- Got to say, it's
nicer than I was expecting.

- Pappy did well
for himself.

He went to
business school in New York.

He got a job
in Wall Street.

And one day his hand
got caught in a subway door.

And he was dragged
from Times Square into Queens.

Largest settlement
in city history.

- Ew.

Pappy should've used
that cash on pest control.

There's giant rats everywhere.

- Those are nutria, Terry.

They're nothing like rats.

They have meatier haunches,

and their teeth
are more orange.

You know, nutria
are actually great pets.

They're affectionate
and smart.

They know how
to open doors.

Plus, you can milk them.

- But...

should you?

- Pappy drank nutria milk,

and he was fit
as a fiddle.

Anyway, you got
to see the house.

I can't wait to show you
the rug I was born on.

- Sure it's been
cleaned since then.

- Charles Boyle,
I love you.

- Sam Boyle,
I love you.

Where's that dead body?

- He's in the barn,
and he looks adorable.

- Ah, terrific.

And everything's set
for the funeral?

- There's one little issue.

We can't find Pappy's will.

- What?
- He wanted to leave the farm

to the Council of Cousins,

but if we don't
find those papers,

it goes to Cousin Lyndon.

- Oh, no.

- Who's Cousin Lyndon?
- Pappy's son.

He's the black sheep
of the family.

- Wait, so we have
a wealthy patriarch

who mysteriously died,
a missing will,

and a black sheep set
to inherit everything?

Am I the only one
who suspects foul play here?

- He didn't die mysteriously.
He was 93.

- He was fit as fiddle, Terr.

From all the nutria milk.

- Don't be ridiculous.

No Boyle would
ever commit murder.

Boyles don't even
get mad at each other.

Except in that rare instance
of cousin-on-cousin jealousy.

- You're just bored
from your suspension

and desperate
to find a case to work.

- No.
That's not it.

I'm just telling you,

something doesn't
smell right here.

- Oh, yeah.
That's Pappy's body.

Cousin Mel did
the embalming in here,

and I think she forgot
to add something.

- Well...

that's a disturbing revelation.

- Hey.
What's going on?

- I'm helping Holt
pick a dating site.

- Oh, this looks good.

- PhDs only.

- Uh, actually
in this context,

PHD stands for
Pretty Huge

- Oh, my.

I can only assume that MDs only
stands for Medium

- Rosa, can I talk
to you for a second?

What the hell are you doing?

Why are you trying to get Holt
and Kevin to break up?

- I'm trying to get Holt
and Kevin back together.

He and Kevin are perfect
for each other.

He just needs
to realize that.

Once he sees what other
trash is out there,

he's gonna go running straight
back into Kevin's arms,

just like
in a Nancy Meyers movie.

- So you still love
Nancy Meyers?

- I will never turn my back
on Nancy Meyers.

- Okay.
I'm in.

Let operation
"Lucky Number Kevin" begin.

- I'm out.
- No, no, no.

We don't have
to call it that.

- Okay, then I'll think
I'll finish up by saying

Pappy Boyle
was the best hugger.

Which is surprising because
he lost his hand in the subway.

But he always said,
"You don't hug with your hands,

"you hug with your heart.

And your groin."
He got that groin involved.

- Uh, a lot of groin talk
for a eulogy.

- Everyone,

there's something you need
to see in the barn.

The game...

is afoot.

- Pappy Boyle was 93.

Who would've suspected
that his death stemmed

from anything other than the
cruel embrace of Father Time?

To suggest as much
might get someone labeled

a crackpot, a kook,

someone that's
"bored with their suspension."

- Can you cut the
"Harriet The Spy" windup?

It stinks in here.

- What you're smelling, Terry,
is duplicity and deceit.

- I think it's
actually Pappy's organs.

- Sam, you're kind of messing
with my flow right now.

Point is, I was examining
the body,

and I found something.

Classic ulceration
and desquamation of the mouth.

Telltale signs
of poisoning.

- In other words...

What we have ourselves here

is a good
ol' fashioned murder...

- Oh, no.

- Of a man
who you all loved dearly.

I shouldn't have done
the "Knives Out" accent.

- All right.
A man has been poisoned,

his will is missing,

and there's only one person
who stands to profit.

Lyndon Boyle.

- Lyndon's not a killer.

- I mean, he did skip a Boyle
family Zoom last summer.

- Yeah, it's true.

It's seven hours out
of your day.

How hard is that to fit in?

- Okay, let's set up
an interrogation room.

I wanna make this guy as
uncomfortable as possible.

I thought we were going
for uncomfortable.

What's with the rocking chair?

- It's a farm.
All the chairs are rockers.

But don't worry,
I under-steeped the tea.

- Ugh.
It's so weak.

Why am I being treated
like a criminal?

- Okay.
I stand corrected.

We'd like to ask you
a few questions.

Tell us about your last contact
with your father.

- Pappy?

Well, I saw him
at his birthday party.

- Mm-hmm.
And was there anything

unusual about that night?

- Nothing unusual at all.

We ate a pig
from snout to anus,

and then took turns giving
each other head massages.

I was tired.
So I found Pappy,

wished him a happy birthday.

We hugged
for six minutes.

It was the last time
I saw him alive.

- Did you see those tears?

No way he did it.

- Are you serious?

Anyone can fake cry.

You just have
to think of something sad.

Like that episode of
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"

when Leonardo was in a coma.

- And that works?

- Yeah.

Yeah, it does.

Now, come on.

Let's go poke some holes
in Lyndon's story.

- It was such a great party.
Everyone had the best time.

I mean, except for Lyndon.

- Lyndon wasn't happy?

- Yeah, it was strange.

He was passing
through the living room.

I asked him
if he wanted a little HJ.

But he just ignored me.

I mean, who doesn't want
an HJ from their cousin?

- Hold up.
An HJ?

- A head job.
A massage.

Isn't that what
everyone calls it?

- You bet.
- Absolutely not.

- Okay, so why
was Lyndon angry?

- I bet it was whatever
Pappy said to him.

- Wait.
What Pappy said when?

- When they were
in Pappy's study.

We heard raised voices.

And then Lyndon said...
- Good night.

- Walked out of the room,

and closed the door
behind him.

- That's all he said?
Good night?

Gentlemen...

I just solved this case.

- Sir, if you wanna get a date
off of these sites,

you're gonna have
to give me a little more

from your profile photo.

- I just gave you
a series of eight poses,

each increasing
in sexual provocativeness

by one-eighth.

If you wanted septiles
or deciles

of sexiness,
you should've told me.

-
- What?

Why do you care
so much, Santiago?

I thought you didn't like
the idea of me dating.

- Yes, initially.

But then I thought
about your metaphor

about how relationships
are like a chess match.

- Mm-hmm.
- And it really convinced me.

- That was
a strong observation.

- So why don't you think
of this profile photo

as an epic chess move?

- Like Vladimirov's
Thunderbolt of 1987.

Close the door, Diaz.

I'm removing my collar stays.

- Why am I back here?

Like I told you,
it was a typical night.

- Right.
Cousin kissing circle,

everyone gets burped
after dinner--

normal stuff.

But let's talk about
what happened

after the burping,
shall we?

- What are you getting at?

What exactly do you think
happened that night?

- I'm so glad you asked.

I think Pappy called you
into his study

and told you he was cutting
you out of his will.

Tempers flared.
Voices were raised.

- What?
- You were furious

you wouldn't
be inheriting the farm.

- I don't even
want the farm.

I've always been more
of a city boy.

I live in Poughkeepsie.

- Well, I guess
that settles it.

- Except you didn't
say I love you.

- Excuse me?

- When you left,
you said "good night."

You didn't say
"I love you."

Now, you may be a black sheep,
but you're still a Boyle.

And a Boyle always says
"I love you."

- Not always.
- Look around you.

It's written everywhere.

- Okay, fine.
We were fighting.

But not over the will.

Pappy was mad at me for missing
that Zoom call this summer.

- I mean honestly, Lyndon, what
did you expect would happen?

- He said I was a disgrace
to the Boyle name.

So I didn't say "I love you."

I just stormed out
to the shed.

I went to get
the Grandmother Dough.

- The Grandmother Dough?

- Here it is.

The original Boyle family
sourdough starter,

the mother
of the mother dough.

It's still good,
but the lid on the jar

has been stuck
for over a hundred years.

- There's an old family legend
that it can only be opened by

The One True Boyle.

- I wanted to show
my dad that I was

not a disgrace
to the family.

But I couldn't budge it.

Maybe he was right.

- Oh, Lyndon.
What a tale.

But I don't think that's why
you came in this barn at all.

I think you came in here

for this.

- Is that nutria poison?

- It's rat poison.
Nutria are pets.

You psychopath.

- Ah.
Nitrobenzene.

That causes the exact type
of ulcers

we found
in Pappy Boyle's mouth.

And look what we have here.

A single brown hair,

belonging to the murderer.

Terry, please send this off
to the local police station

for a DNA test.

Now all we need is one
of your hairs, Lyndon.

- I didn't kill my father.

Why am I being singled out?

- Why not take a hair
from every Boyle

so Cousin Lyndon
doesn't feel that way?

- Sure, great idea.
I'll go first.

- I mean it's more work for the
lab, but it's fine with me.

Are you okay
with that, Lyndon?

- Oh, wow.
Went with a nose hair.

Didn't see
that coming.

But it's definitely
long enough.

- No.

- Okay, sir.
This app's pretty simple.

If you don't like the guy's
profile, you click "dang,"

and if you do,
you click "daaang."

- That sounds
needlessly confusing.

- Why?
"dang" is bad

and "daaang" is good.

- Okay, let's thin this herd.

Untucked shirt,
no thank you.

Born in San Diego, yikes.

An adult named Todd?

So this is what
online dating is like?

I didn't realize.

- Realize how good
you have it with Kevin?

- No, how it hasn't changed.

You still have
to pick someone based on looks

and hope
for a connection later.

Oh, Lord, help me.

I'm going for it.

I'm clicking "dang."
- No.

"Dang" is bad.
Click "daaang."

- Why is this so confusing?

How do I get Hot Todd back?

- DNA results are in.

- Ooh, and?
Who did it?

It was Lyndon, right?

- Hair is...

"rodent in origin."

- What?
Doesn't make any sense.

Here, forward it to me.

- Must've been a nutria hair.

Those things are everywhere.
Ugh.

- Wait a minute.
This is weird.

According to the DNA results,

everyone in the Boyle family
is related except one.

- Lyndon?
- No.

- Charles.

- Charles Boyle

isn't a Boyle.

- That DNA test has
to be wrong.

I mean, Charles is the most
Boyle-y of all the Boyles.

- You know what?
I'm gonna call Charles' dad,

get to the bottom of this.

Hey, Lynn?
It's Jake.

Hi.
Hey, can I ask you

about Charles' paternity
real quick?

All right.
Thanks, Lynn. Bye.

- What on Earth
took so long?

- Well, the first five hours

was mostly just sobbing
and gasping for air.

Then he told me
that Charles' mom had an affair

with a rival florist.

Lynn always suspected
he might've been Charles' dad,

but he decided he loved him
so much, it didn't matter.

- I don't understand.

Charles looks just like all
the other Boyles.

- Apparently that's
not genetic.

The Boyles cuddle
their children so much,

it shapes
their bones that way.

He likened it to how they
grow square watermelons.

- Oh, my God.

We can't tell Charles.

- You wanna lie
to our dear friend

about the one thing
that's most important to him

in the whole world?

- Yes.
- Okay, good, me too.

Now all we have to do is prove
that Cousin Lyndon is

the murderer before Charles
asks about the DNA results.

- Hi, guys.

- Ah.
Hey, man.

Where'd you come from?

- I slinked up.

- You know how good
Boyles are at slinking.

It's because
of our fleshy toe pads.

- Right.
And you, Charles,

have said fleshy toe pads

because you are a Boyle,

from snout to anus.

- "A Boyle from snout
to anus."

That is so sweet.

I'm stealing that
for the eulogy.

- Ah, you don't have to.

- Huh.

It's the exact time we agreed
to meet for our date,

and he's not here.

- I'm sorry.

I know how you
value punctuality.

- In my employees.

But in potential suitors,
I don't mind

one or two minutes
of tardiness.

I like a bad boy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go to the bathroom
to wash my hands,

in case we shake.

- Ooh.

I thought the point was
for Holt to bail

before he got
to an actual date.

- It is.
But this works too.

I mean, did you see
the dude he matched with?

He calls himself a doctor,

but he's actually
a chiropractor.

- Are we sure Holt doesn't
respect chiropractors?

I'm kidding.

Ooh.
There's Todd.

- And here's Holt.

Started off strong,
nice big smile.

Oh, not anymore.
He just noticed Todd's loafers.

- Oh, Todd, you fool.

Holt thinks any shoes
without laces are flip-flops.

- Now the moment that will send
Holt running toward the exit.

When he asks Todd
what he would like to drink,

Todd orders,
"Whatever you're having."

- Oh Todd, you fool.
Have your own opinion.

Wait a second.
Are they gonna sit down?

In a booth?

Oh, no, Rosa.

Todd's not the fool.

We're the fools.

- I have eyes on the package.

He's headed towards you.

- I'm on it.
- Seriously, guys,

why are we doing this?

We should just wait
for the DNA test.

- We will.

But the lab said
it would take a week.

They had to get
a new tech.

- Oh, no.
Why?

The old one had
a bad allergic reaction to...

beakers.
- Ugh.

Labs are full of them.
That's awful.

- Yeah, and real.

Anyways, since Lyndon
is our only actual suspect,

we might as well investigate.

- Let me ask you this.
Is he gushing?

- Don't say those words.

- The pressure
of keeping secrets

makes Boyles stress-sweat.

Once, we played Mafia,

and you'd never seen
so many dripping wet cousins

in one room.
- Come on.

- Wait.
He's leaving the property.

- Can you stay with him?

- Yeah.
I think so.

I just have to get
around the barn and--

- Terr-bear?

- I'm sorry.
I was following Lyndon

and I crawled
into that thing.

- That thing has a name.

- It's Muffin.

- Well, thanks to Muffin,
we lost Lyndon.

- Yes.
But also thanks to Muffin,

I just solved the case
of who killed Pappy Boyle.

- We're right here.

- Yeah. I didn't think
it would feed back.

- Oh, no, Rosa.
They're leaving together.

What are we gonna do?

- We stop them.

Even if it means we have
to kill Todd.

- Smart.
Let's go.

- Looking for someone?

- Sir.
Uh, what's going on?

- What's going on is that you
were trying to manipulate me,

but it is I
who manipulated you.

How does it feel

to suckle from
your own tainted teat?

- Not as bad as it feels
to hear you say "suckle."

- So you were never really
going home with Todd?

- You actually think I would
have relations with him?

His watch has a cloth strap.

- I really thought
we had something.

- Wake up, Todd.
I'm out of your league.

You thought you could meddle
in my personal life,

but I was ten moves ahead
the whole time.

And now, checkmate.

- Ooh.
I love chess.

Have you seen
"The Queen's Gambit"?

It's a TV show.
- Todd, I swear to God.

- The person who killed Pappy
wasn't a person at all.

It was Muffin.

- I checked her mouth,

and Muffin had the same ulcers
that Pappy had.

Muffin ate the poison,
and then Pappy drank her milk.

- Charles, you said nutria
could open doors.

Muffin must've let herself
into the barn.

- Which explains why we found
her hair on the box.

- So Lyndon was innocent.

- Wait, how did you know
it was Muffin's hair?

Did you get
the DNA report back?

- Exactly.
- Wait, but I thought

the report was gonna
take a week

because of
the lab tech's allergies.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

But then they decided
to use a subcontractor

who was allergy-free,
so let's just move on

and talk about
something else immediately.

Three "uh-huh's"?

Clearly you're lying
about something.

- Why you being a jerk to me?

- Show me the report, Jake.

- Okay, fine.
But just look at the top result

'cause that's all
that matters.

"Specimen hair was rodent
in nature."

and that's that.

- Oh, my God.

I'm not a Boyle.

- Okay.
I love you too, Dad.

Did you guys change clothes?

- Yeah, Charles.
It's tomorrow now.

You been on the phone
for 14 hours.

- Well, you know
what they say,

"Time flies when God
pulls down his pants

and takes a dump
on your life."

- Oh, buddy.
I'm so sorry.

- Being a Boyle was
the backbone of my identity.

Without the Boyle backbone,
I'm just a bag of flesh.

I'm goo.
- Come on, you're not goo.

Being a Boyle is about more
than blood.

It's what's in your heart.

- Blood is what's in
your heart.

You're making it worse, Jake.

- Okay, fine.
Then what about Nikolaj?

He was adopted, so technically,

he's not a Boyle,
but that never bothered you.

- I didn't even think
about Niko.

He was already a Boyle
once removed

which is tough enough.
Now he's twice removed?

Twice-removed Boyles
are a total clown show,

okay?
Niko's basically Cousin Andrea.

Sorry, Andrea.

- I know what I am.

- Well, damn.
- Look, let's go home.

- We're leaving?
What about the funeral?

What about the eulogy?

- I don't feel right
giving it now.

Sam offered to step in.
I'll have him do it.

- No, no, no.
Wait.

Assemble the cousins.

Today, we learned
that Pappy Boyle's death

was not foul play.

But even though
there was no murder,

there was a robbery.

Charles had his sense
of self stolen from him

by Sam Boyle.

You said it yourself, Charles,

the Boyles have a long history
of cousin-on-cousin jealousy.

Sam couldn't stand that you
were chosen to give the eulogy.

Think about it.

It was Sam who made sure we
knew the will was missing.

- We can't find Pappy's will.

- Then Sam again who suggested
you all get your DNA tested.

- Why not take a hair
from every Boyle?

- And finally, Sam who made
sure we all knew the results.

- Did you get
the DNA report back?

This is ridiculous.
I love Charles.

- Okay, well then.

I'm sure you wouldn't mind
giving him a hug then.

Since you love him so much.

- Sure.
I always like to hug my cousin.

- He's gushing!

- Darn it.

I thought these would hide it,

but I gushed
through my pit diapers.

All right, fine.

I always suspected
that Charles wasn't one of us.

I mean, he went
through puberty at 13,

instead of 25,

like a normal Boyle.

And when he got chosen
to give the eulogy,

something inside
of me snapped.

So I hid the will.

I admit it.

Are you happy now?

- Very.
- Not at all.

- Wait, what?
Charles, we solved the case.

He confessed.
- Doesn't matter.

I'm still not a Boyle.

I'm just a normal person.

Normal from snout to anus.

- We wanted to apologize.

- And if you wanna gloat
about how you outsmarted us,

go ahead.
We deserve it.

- I won't be doing
any gloating.

I mean, I did last night.
I went home and had a drink

to toast to your humiliation.

But it didn't feel right,

because I had no one
to toast with,

no one to share my glee.

I had won,
but I was alone.

And I realized,

this is exactly what
I'm doing to Kevin.

Trying to win therapy.

And it hit me.

I care so much about winning

that I've lost everything.

- Tell Kevin how you feel.

- It's raining.
You could run to him.

- This is the real world,
Santiago.

Relationships end
in unsatisfying ways every day.

People don't run
to each other in the rain.

- Raymond!
Raymond Holt!

- Kevin?

- Raymond!

Raymond, am I too late?

- Too late?

- My friend saw
your dating profile

and your photo
without collar stays.

I thought I'd lost you.

- You will never lose me.

I'll do anything
to keep you.

I'll compromise on everything.
The work, the--

♪

- Nancy Meyers never fails.

- Now that we're doing it,
it feels kinda weird

to be staring at your friends
while they kiss.

- Are you kidding?
It's beautiful.

♪

- I love you.

- Okay, I'm packed.
Let's go home.

- Charles, I'm sorry.

I feel like
this was all my fault.

- Why?
Did you inseminate my mother?

- What?
Ew, no.

- Don't say ew.
She's my one blood relation.

Remember, I'm not
a real Boyle.

- Okay, fine.

Maybe you're not
a real Boyle.

But what if

you're a true Boyle?

What if

you're The One True Boyle?

- No, no.
You want me to open

the Grandmother Dough.

That jar is stuck shut.

Nobody's ever been able
to do it.

- But you have to try.

Terry, go grab it.

All right, now let's reassemble
those cousins.

- I'm not gonna
be able to do this,

and I'm gonna be
even more humiliated.

- Just try.
I believe in you.

So did you loosen it?

- I tried, but it's slippery,

and that thing
is sealed on tight.

I couldn't budge it.

- Oh, no.
Uh, hey, Charles.

Remember when I said
that I believed in you?

- Yes.

It's the entire reason
I'm doing this.

- Oh.
Godspeed.

♪

- Ah!

I did it!

- He's The One True Boyle.

- Oh, my God.
What is that stench?

It's the Grandmother Dough.

- It smells horrible.

- Not to a Boyle.

Pappy's hugs were long
and firm.

- Okay, here's what I think
might've happened.

You loosened the jar,
but you didn't realize it

because you're a Godzilla man,

and you don't know
your own strength.

- First of all, thank you
for calling me a Godzilla man.

- Yeah.
- Secondly, that's not it.

The jar was too slippery.
- All right, how about this?

Charles was so freaked out
about not being a Boyle

that he got an adrenaline rush,
and that made him stronger.

- Or maybe Charles
is the One True Boyle.

- And I know that Pappy's
up there

shopping for beige slacks

at that Mervyn's in the sky.

Ah, Mervyn's!

- Yeah, he's
the One True Boyle.

- Not a doctor.
Shh.

- Fremulon.