Original subtitles

Hi. Dom? What on earth are YOU doing here?

I've been living in my car for the last three weeks.

I just need to have a poo in a warm loo.

HE SNORES

I can see what you saw in him.

SHE CHUCKLES

ELECTRONIC TUNE

Geri.

This badge is because of you, sir.

You were my mentor, sir.

Course.

Billy, hi, yeah, I'll be there in 20.

I've never been more excited in my life.

Mandy, she smashed Lara's father in the head,

and I think that he is...

Oh, God.

Call an ambulance.

This is your mess, Mandy,

and you have already stolen the first part of my life -

you do not get this bit!

Oh, Miri! NO!

He's gone! John!

Hey, he must be OK.

Miri, I'm in.

What does that... What does that mean? It means I'm in.

In for the long haul.

Dead people or no dead people.

Hi, this is Mandy.

I can't get to the phone right now, please leave a message.

Hm.

Hi, this is Mandy... SHE SIGHS

MAGPIE CAWS

Oh, fuck off.

SHE EXHALES SHARPLY

KETTLE BOILS

PHONE RINGS

Shit. Janice?

Are you OK? Yeah.

Are you sure? Yeah, why? No reason.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Have you heard something? No.

What, has something happened? No.

Good. Good.

You sure? Yeah, why?

Oh, you were just all up in my head while I was doing something

but it doesn't matter. Good. Good.

Great. Great. I'm so great. Me too. Woohoo!

OK, uh... So, I'll... I'll see you on Wednesday. Fabulous.

Incredible.

Be safe, Miri.

Stay out of trouble. Of course. SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Of course, I mean, why would I...why would I not?

Why would I stay in trouble? I stay out of trouble. Bing bang bong.

Huh? What's a bing bang bong?

An imaginary drum.

Jesus! Anyway...

Good luck with your driving test.

What? It's Monday, I thought you said...

Oh! Shit!

DOM WHISTLES HAPPILY

Morning, guys. Er, coffee, tea?

Coffee. Tea. Oh, er, sorry about this.

My clothes are in the washing machine.

I got a little...a little splash of you-know-what on them,

but I have made poached eggs and eggy bread.

Sit down. Please!

Erm... Oh!

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Has...has, er, Mandy got back to you?

Er, no, but I'm sure it's fine, right?

I mean, it HAS to be fine because I'm fine so he will be fine.

Yeah. And are you sure you're up to doing this?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah. It's just a driving test.

Just, cos you didn't sleep at all.

But I had a...I had a very strong coffee.

Although I haven't had coffee before, really. Oh, right.

Yeah, it's making me feel very fast in my mind. Yeah. Fine.

Erm, he would have limped off, knock on the head,

little concussion - it's all good. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.

Now, go pass your driving test 20 years too late.

Go on! OK.

I hope you guys are ready.

Hey! Come in, take a seat.

Poached egg?

Lovely. Mm, delicious.

It's the perfect consistency. I'm a big egg man.

Hang on! Hang on, what is going on?

Yeah, quite. What IS this? I don't know.

Why are you all in your jammies and why are we eating poached eggs?

This is fucking weird.

It's not what you think! I didn't, but now... Oh! Now I do.

Oh, my God! No, no, no, no, no, no! Christ, Miri! No!

Guys, cool it. Come on.

I needed a poo. What?

Your mum and dad very kindly let me use their facilities.

I was a little out of sorts.

And here we are, a thank-you brekkie, and that is everything.

It was falling out of him, Miri.

We couldn't say no.

Fine. OK. Look, whatever, whatever. Dad, it's my driving test

in half an hour. DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, good God. Yes! I know, I know.

I've got to get some clothes and just get out of here!

Oh, er...

Lazy morning?

Oh, yes. Slow start. Can I help?

Just dropping these off.

I thought you could leaflet your neighbouring roads.

Hello, Laura. Oscar.

How's the planet?

Oh, still dying due to the ignorance of the common man...and woman.

Of course. Thanks. Fantastic.

Mum, can I borrow some big, clean knickers?

If you've finished the leaflets, erm,

there's a committee meeting at 2pm, on the dot.

You're very welcome. Oh, I'd love to. See you then.

DOM: Can I get a shower?

I just need to wash my bum-bum after last night.

Argh! LAURA GASPS

Oh, goodness. She's going to think... Oh, let her.

But... Look, you'll never have her approval.

Let it go.

Guys! Can we get we get a move on? We're going to be late!

Can I use this towel? Erm, well...

Yes? Cool.

Miri! I'll take you! No. I...I'm going to.

No, no, please. Let me.

You can see Dom out. Oh, er, right. Yes, of course.

Call for help! Call for help!

What's wrong? There's someone in the water!

In the water! Where?

INDISTINCT WORRIED CHATTER

You don't have to come in. No, no. Moral support.

It's OK to be nervous. It's not nerves. It's coffee.

Are you OK? Everything OK?

Yeah, I'm great.

With the Bobacks being back, we haven't really... Yeah.

Mandy? Yeah. Why?

Well, living there?

Ah, I mean, well, you know Mandy. Hm.

Complicated girl. Hm.

Always was. Hm.

Well, you know where we are if you need anything.

What?

DOOR OPENS

Er, oh, oh, erm...

Mum, can you look after Geri?

I don't want her to beep during the erm, er...

Oh! Oh, no, no, no. Oh, God, no.

No! No, no. No!

It'll survive an hour. No, I, erm...

I haven't seen her since last night.

Oh, no.

It's OK, Miri. It's only a toy.

Miri Matteson? Er, yeah.

Knock 'em dead!

Please don't.

Follow me to the vehicle. Come on. Uh-huh.

ELECTRONIC TUNE

I'm off. Oh, right.

OK.

Er, see you around. Yeah.

I just wanted to say thank you so much for your hospitality.

Seriously.

It takes quite a man to let me in.

I'm very grateful.

And clean, finally!

It's no problem.

Er, if there's anything you need done around the house -

I don't know, anything - please, just say.

It's not like I've got anywhere to go.

Well, what about work? I lost my job.

Boss got...

Chlamydia? Sick of me.

Said I needed some time off.

Erm, shelves put up? I...I'm handy.

No. Is there anything at all?

So, you're THE Miri Matteson?

Yeah.

I examine driving, not character.

That's good to know. We'll see. Yes.

And you've been learning for...?

20 years with a big gap.

You seem nervous. I am nervous. Yeah. You seem it.

I definitely am.

Seat belt on? It is.

Oh.

It's the first thing I did.

You hid it behind your hair. No, I...I didn't.

You placed your mane over it so I couldn't see it.

I literally just put my seat belt on. Hm.

So we'll start.

Follow my instructions and directions. Right.

And when I do this,

I want you to perform an emergency stop. OK.

That could happen at any time. Right. When you least expect it.

Understood. SHE SLAMS FOOT ON BRAKE PEDAL

No, we haven't started yet. No.

SIREN BLARES

You do know how to start a car? Yes.

ENGINE STARTS

SIREN BLARES

Every day, approximately eight million pieces of plastic pollution

find their way into our oceans.

Even now, a shipping container of rubber ducks lies on the seabed

of this very coastline.

SIREN BLARES

The streets and beaches of Hythe are in grave danger.

Turn right here.

INDICATOR TICKS

Should we go another way cos it's a bit distracting...? No.

Right here, as directed. OK.

Right! Leonard's on paternity leave. Excuse me.

Chief Inspector!

Sir, are you, erm...?

It's me, it's me, Tina.

Tuna?

He's dead, love.

Yes.

He does indeed seem to be...

..dead.

You're correct.

Well done.

Very good work.

Hundred percent dead.

SIREN BLARES

Maybe I...we should turn.

No, no. Left here.

OK.

Bloody hell! That's a lot of emergency vehicles.

I'm tapping. I tapped.

Oh, it's a body.

Oh, God, it's a dead body.

Awful.

Maybe a granny went for a swim.

Strong tides.

Tragic.

Anyway...

..you've passed.

You've passed.

Have I?

I'd ask you to drive back to the centre,

but I think we've been taped in.

How exciting.

What are you doing here? Revisiting the scene of the crime?

No, no.

Er, just a driving test.

Bit old for that, aren't you?

You can't do them in prison. Fair point.

Bye, Tina.

Er, aren't you even interested in what's happened?

It is none of my business.

OK. What just happened?

Somebody has died.

That's terrible. Are they OK?

No. He's dead.

Oh, yes.

I mean, would you be OK if you were dead? I don't know.

Actually, maybe I would because then I wouldn't have...I wouldn't have to talk to you.

That's a bit unkind. Sorry. Sorry.

Don't you even want to know who it was? I mean, you knew them.

Yeah, but don't you need to notify the next of kin

before telling anyone? Yes, yes, I do. Yes.

It's a small town. I'm sure... I'm sure that I will find out.

Yeah, I expect you will when we arrest you for the crime.

Look, whatever it was, I had nothing to do with it.

That's what you think. Yes, it is.

I mean, that is what you think you want me to think.

Can I go now?

Yeah. Thank you.

Dead bodies are horrible, aren't they?

Yeah.

Right foot. Right foot.

That's your left foot! PHONE VIBRATES

I can't do it! Nice one.

Over here somewhere. You'll fall over in a minute!

GROANING

Left foot, red, please. Chop chop! Left foot, red. Left foot. Red.

Mandy? Oh, my God, left foot.

All right.

OK, Phoebe...

They found him.

I don't think you should stay here any more... His dead body.

And, look, Cerys is furious about her bike

and you stole Phoebe's scooter

so, you know, I think it would be too tense.

You need to go to the police, Mandy.

Your bags are packed. Mandy!

I feel better than I've ever felt.

I'm finally enjoying some family time.

Yeah? So the police can come to me if they want me.

But they will come to me! They will.

He was a Chief Inspector, for fuck's sake.

I can't go back to prison, Mandy. I am begging you.

Mandy! Mum! Mum!

My family need me.

Ah, she's gone! Let's have a look here.

OK, left hand, yellow. Oh, left hand. Right, right.

I'll put that there. Very good, Daddy!

FUCK! Fuck! FUCK!

Fuck...

SHE SIGHS

Join us at Make Hythe Clean for litter picking tomorrow.

3-5pm.

Let us take matters literally into our own hands!

Maybe condense it a bit?

They need the information. You need to get their attention first.

All right? Hey. Thank you.

Afternoon, ladies. That's brilliant, thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Listen to Mummy, listen to Mummy. Come on, then, you two.

Shall we see if we can see it?

HUSHED CONVERSATIONS

Oh, what now?

Huh, I see.

Get Caroline to do the leaflets then gossip behind my back.

That nasty old witch has jumped to sordid conclusions.

He came for a crap, Laura, not a bonk. OK?

Honestly, you're like Mean Girls with hip replacements.

You're a bunch of nasty ungodly bitches!

You haven't heard yet, have you?

What?

Oh, fuck off or come back with a friend!

SHE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Miri Matteson's mobile phone.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Hi, Miri, it's me. I've got it. It's amazing!

Home in a minute. Come meet me.

I, er...I hope the test went well.

Call me. Bye. ICE-CREAM VAN PLAYS THE BLUE DANUBE

Ugh, how do you turn the music off?

What's happened?

The Chief Inspector. Found in the water.

Oh, Christ.

Sorry, I'm a bit discombobulated.

I'll have a Funny Foot, if you've got them.

Oh, sorry, I've just bought it. We don't have any stock.

Do you do hot dogs? Erm, n-no, I don't. No.

Three Snowballs, please. Oh! I don't have any...

I can't even turn the...

Here, can we get a Screwball and a...

Go away!

Oh! Ridiculous! Miri? Call me.

Well, I wonder if any of them will show up tomorrow.

I hope so.

Pint or something? No.

Er, Caroline will be expecting me.

She's made a kedgeree. Yeah.

Well, thanks again for letting me into your home.

Chin up.

Yeah. It is.

I just miss my family.

I mess everything up and I just don't know how not to.

You're young, you can work on that. There's still time.

I just sometimes think there's not much point in me, you know?

Nonsense.

You...were a very good bag of rubbish.

And you make wonderful poached eggs, which is very hard to do.

Mine always look like testicles.

So, there's that.

Thanks, Oscar.

Look, if you really want your wife back,

you...you need to work hard, really fight for it.

Don't give up. Don't just say, "I love you."

Show her every single day.

It's actions, not words. Actions.

And, for God's sake, be patient with her.

It takes time -

a long time, it turns out - to forgive someone properly,

so give her that.

I can't even run away properly.

PHONE RINGS

I'm not going to talk about this to anyone.

I didn't see you halfway out of town with your bags packed, OK?

I wasn't here.

And, anyway, this is my free time,

so technically I'm acting as a friend, do you understand?

I didn't touch him, Janice. I... Sh-sh-sshh!

Do not say anything, Miri, do not, because I am legally obliged!

OK.

But if you know anything, if you were involved in anything,

then you need to go to the police.

You need to nip that shit in the bud, girl.

He was the Chief Inspector, Miri,

and you're the town criminal with a grudge to bear.

They're coming for you first, and don't you forget it. I know.

Oh, you're a pain in my poom-poom, Miri, you really are.

Rich little white girl.

You're like a lint roller just picking up all the shit

and making my tarot cards freak out.

I want you to have this.

It might help you tonight.

Biscuit. Marshmallow. Boom. It's a marriage.

Oh, Janice, I haven't had one of these for...

Just take it before I change my mind.

I don't want to see you back inside, Miri.

Don't give up on yourself.

Don't you dare.

Bitch gonna make me cry.

Hello.

KNOCK AT DOOR Mrs Boback?

SHE KNOCKS AGAIN It's Tina from the...the police.

ELECTRONIC TUNE

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